The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 22 - Let's Val Kilmer This Car - full transcript

Ah, the school prank.

Back in the day, it was a
pure and simple art form.

You didn't care about
posting some video to go viral.

No. You'd pull a prank
to become legend.

Yes! Seniors rule!

In my school, the '80s was
the pinnacle of the pranking era,

and our success was
measured by one thing,

how much it pissed
off our principal.

Oh, no.

Darn seniors!

I'm going down.



Naturally, no one loved a good
prank more than my brother, Barry.

Good fountain.

- Trusted posse of Jenkintown.
- TPOJ!

I think we can all agree

our senior year's been a
complete and utter bust.

I actually had a real nice year.

I aced AP Bio,

and I really got to know
my pen pal, Yoshi Takanabu.

And I reconnected with
my grandma, Naked Nana.

And even though Erica's at college,
our love has never been more rock-solid.

And I'm just happy
to be included.

Ugh, well, my whole school
year's been a complete dook fest

'cause my one true
love, Lainey, left me,

and no one in this
hellhole even noticed me.



Hey, Barry. Everything cool?

I'm talking to some
friends, Jamie Weisman.

- So rude.
- Unreal.

- Totally.
- Is it?

Lucky for me, it's prank week.

With my evil brain smarts,

I will finally become the
school legend I am in my mind.

Couldn't help but overhear you might
be in the market for a legendary prank.

What's it to you, douche box?

It just so happens I have
the single best resource

for school prankery
the world has ever seen.

Real Genius, a filmic
ode to shenanigans,

where brilliant
dreamboat Val Kilmer

pulls a series of the most
epic pranks ever seen.

He is a dreamboat,
which is why I'm listening.

Here's a good one.

You take apart a car, and put
it back together in a tiny room.

- Unimpressive. Next.
- You ice the hallways,

so the whole school
becomes a giant skating rink.

Too easy. Next!

Then go for the ultimate prank,

and fire a NASA laser beam

at a 50-ton Jiffy Pop,
causing a popcorn avalanche.

No! The good news is your lame
ideas have given me an incredible one.

- Mother!
- What is it, boopie?

- I'm in need of your sewing skills.
- On it. What for?

Something so
brilliant, so elaborate,

that the school will
never be the same.

Ha! You got khaki pants!

Khak attack!

- You like pranks, huh?
- Up here.

Honestly, I don't even understand
what's comical about this.

Goldberg does it
again! Give me some.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was May 16th, 1980-something,

and Erica had officially
dropped out of college.

But for my mom, she was just
happy to have her baby home.

In honor of my
schmoopie-poop's arrival home,

and back into my loving arms,

I present the most tender
brisket ever brisketed.

How can you brisket
at a time like this?

Dad's about to come
home and lose his mind

when he hears I dropped out.

That's the point. I know exactly
how to butter up your father.

You do it with meat
and actual butter.

I'm home!

I hit a lot of personal and
professional lows today,

so give me a wide berth.

Go, go, go. Work your
Mama magic. I love you.

With that, my mom lulled my
dad into a rare state of calmness.

Here you go, honey.

A little light brisket
snack to take the edge off.

You just sit there and enjoy.

A little Manischev to help
the meat go down nice.

There you go, my big tiger.

You just relax those
big, hardworking muscles.

Backy-scratchies for my man?

Huh? I just pressed
these nails on fresh.

- Is he lulled yet?
- No!

What is the
girl-moron doing here?

This better not be about
dropping out, so help me.

Yup. Few things were
as important to my dad

as a college education.

You're not skipping
out on college.

You're studying and
going to a good school.

Your whole damn
future depends on it!

Here's a plan, college!

College. College.
College. College.

Don't think of it
as dropping out.

Think of it as me
transferring to your house.

This school rejects your
application. You go now.

He doesn't mean it, love bug.
It's the Manischewitz talking.

Damn right, I mean it!

What makes her think
she can move back in here,

eat our food, sit on our furniture
like she's one of our children?

She is one of our
children, Murray.

Fine, the dummy can
stay as long as she pays

for food and rent
like a normal person.

I'm putting my
foot down on this.

Come on! This is my home!

You can't make me pay
for goods and services.

Plus rent. The foot has spoken.

So, like...

When exactly do you tell
your dad I'm living here, too?

Yeah, he didn't take
my news so well,

so I was thinking
that we never tell him

and I sneak you
snacks like a pet turtle.

This is a nightmare, but I
have no options, so I am a turtle.

Hey! What are you guys
doing in my fart chamber?

This is my room, and we
left college to start our band.

- Also, what?
- Wait.

Does this mean Lainey's back
and she threw away her future, too?

My God, is Lainey
all you care about?

Yes! Other than
losing my fart chamber,

things are finally going my way!

We should air this place out.

And so Barry raced off to
win back the love of his life

in the most mature,
subtle way possible.

Oh, no! No! No! No!

Good to see you, too, Mr. Lewis.

I hear Lainey
dropped outta college.

Horrible timing, Barry!

First, you drop out
and break my heart,

and now you bring
this back into my life?

Dark cloud, silver
lining, I hear ya.

Anyhoo, I'm here to ask
your daughter to prom,

'cause she just dropped
out of college and all.

Please stop reminding him
that I dropped out of college!

Is all of this just to hurt me?

Is that what this is?

Dad, go feed the fish.

So good to see
his ol' mug again.

Barry, my life is in utter chaos, and
you're here for some dumb prom?

And possibly marriage.
Just floating that out there.

- Is that a yes to both?
- It's a no!

Everything's a mess right now.

I'm not even sure my
dad will let me stay here.

So, you really don't wanna go to
prom with me, or elope to Kokomo?

I don't have time to deal
with this high-school drama.

If you need a date so
bad, just go with that girl

that always says,
"Hey" in the hall.

I don't wanna go
with Jamie Weisman!

She was just a stall
until you came back.

My life is stalling!

I was gonna do amazing
things like take a pottery class,

or talk to that lady that
hoses down the trucks at work.

No one says you can't talk
to the hose woman, Dad!

Keep feeding the fish.

I'm sorry, Bar. I just can't
deal with us right now.

Take your time. But before I go,

tell me once and for all if
you're gonna be my forever lady.

I'll field this one.

- Tell me.
- There we go.

While Barry's romantic
plan bit the dust,

Erica was learning what it
meant to be a starving artist.

Whatcha working on there?

Black 'n' white
cookie? Looks fresh.

Help yourself. I got a dozen.

Hold on!

No black 'n' white cookies
unless you pay for it.

I bet that chews up real nice.

This is hard to watch.

I think it's delightful.

Pet-store janitor,

gas-station
attendant, fish scaler?

Yup, back before you could
post a résumé on Linkedln,

the only way to find a job

was in this crazy thing
called a newspaper.

This one says, "Wanted: Lady."

You don't wanna
call that number.

I know!

This whole situation is poop.

There is no world
where I am gonna sit by

and watch my baby
become a fish monger,

or take a job as a lady.

Bevy, she's been
at it for two days.

Erica will find her way.

Or even better, I
find her way for her.

Don't do that. Murray
put his foot down.

Which was great,
and now it's my job

to ever so gently lift it up.

Nothing about Murray
can be lifted gently.

Believe me, Dad, I can be
very subtle when I need to be.

Earl. This will not be
subtle. You're helping me.

Wait, what's happening?
You haven't stormed in here

demanding unreasonable
treatment for your children all year.

I've been in a Bevolution,

trying to figure out a
life without my kids.

Please, keep doing that and go.

Forget the Bevolution.

I'm here to make you hire
Erica's band to play the prom.

You wanna pay me to pay
your daughter with your money?

Oh, yeah.

I've missed us, you know?

As my mom pulled some
strings to boost Erica's confidence,

Barry's prom plans had
completely unraveled.

It makes no sense.

What 19-year-old college dropout

doesn't wanna go back
to her high school prom?

Why don't you just tag
along with me and Andy?

Yeah, it's our second
year going stag as a couple.

No. I'm not gonna be the
third wheel on your stag date.

Either I go with Lainey,
or I don't go at all.

So, you're not going?

If I don't go, I'll
forever ruin my rep

as one of Jenkintown's
top five party people.

So, you are going?

- Without Lainey? Never!
- So, you're not going?

And be forever known
as a prom-less loser?

So, you're both
going and not going?

Gah! Stop asking dumb questions,
and provide a solution for once!

But instead of answers, all
Barry got was crickets. Literally.

As you all are now
painfully aware,

Mr. Atkins has
released a duffel bag

full of live crickets
throughout the school.

I am a legend!

No! No! No! No!

Hear this now!

The next person to do a senior
prank will be banned from prom.

In that moment,

Barry saw the perfect way
to avoid prom altogether.

No one would call
him a dateless loser.

They'd call him a
pranking legend.

- Hey, my thing!
- Forget your thing! This is important.

You know that movie I introduced
you to when you told me about it?

You mean Real Genius?

The movie on my
shirt and poster?

I think it's time we take a
page from their prank book,

but I can't do it
without your help.

Yes! I'm essential now!

Thank you for the
opportunity to live my dream.

You don't know how
much this means.

Bar, wait up!

Behold, our principal's
prized Suzuki Samurai!

Over the next nine
to twelve minutes,

we shall take it
apart piece by piece,

then quickly
reassemble it in his office.

Dude, we can't just take a car
apart. It's not made of Legos.

Which is why I brought
this Allen wrench.

Time to become a legend.

As much as I loved Real
Genius, my brother was not one.

Erica had been a college
dropout for a whole week,

and nothing was going her way.

That is, until my
mom stepped in.

Holy crap and hell yes!

We'll be there!

That was Principal Earl J. Ball
offering me a job playing prom.

Yay!

When I said, "Get a
job," I meant get a real job.

He's paying me $1,000.
Real enough, old man?

Actually, none
of this seems real.

You know, this is a
classic rock 'n' roll tale.

Drop outta college,
start a band,

and immediately get paid too much
for a gig you didn't even look for.

Oh, I can't believe my
angel got her first job.

I love you so much.

Thank you so much
for believing in me.

And thank you for this
cookie, because I just got paid.

- We got paid! Deal with it!
- Who the hell is this?

I'm in her band and
also live here now,

so start a tab for me, too.

Take it all. You deserve it.

Murray, my baby and her
strange-sounding friend really did it.

They went out and got a job.

You did this.

Why did you go behind my
back? I put my foot down!

Erica doesn't need
your foot, Murray.

She needs loving mama arms
to hold her in her time of need.

Ya can't ignore the foot.

If the foot has no power, the
whole system breaks down.

I'm sorry I went behind
your back and foot, okay?

But trust me.
Getting Erica this job

is gonna give her the boost
of confidence she needs.

I'm gonna hit the mall and buy
some new sexy boots to wear on stage.

Rock 'n' roll. It's so easy.

See? She's very confident.

I did that.

As my mom foolishly
filled Erica with confidence,

one could say Barry's big
prank didn't fully come together.

You've done it now, people!

Until the perp is caught
or comes forward,

prom is canceled.

What? No.

Don't let one horrible human
being ruin it for all of us!

Yeah! I'm so angry at your
harmless prank gone wrong.

Me, as well!

Yeah, I've been
doing this a long time.

And it's safe to
say this is the work

of a true monster who
belongs behind bars.

Whoever did this,
turn yourself in!

Yeah, you big prom-ruining jerk.

We're now going to run
away to find some clues. Bye.

We looked for nothing.

Instead, we stupidly got
ready for a life on the lam.

- Lainey, we got to talk.
- Thank God you came back.

I have so much
awesome stuff to tell you.

No time! I'm here to
tell you how I really feel,

just in case I never
see you again.

There's the big
man! Hey, get in here.

Let's flex those
hugging muscles.

What's happening? Why is everyone
suddenly so happy to see me?

Things have really
turned around over here.

I spoke to the hose lady.

She is not interested,
but at least I have closure.

We got our first gig.
That's why I wanted to talk.

I'm sorry I was putting
all my stress on you.

No! You were right.

I'm not the same naive boy who
knocked on your door yesterday.

I'm a hardened man with
real grown-up problems.

I mean, they canceled
prom, and I don't even care.

- What?
- Prom was canceled?

- Oh, no!
- What? What'd I say?

That's my gig! We were
getting paid 1,000 bucks for it!

I didn't know you were getting
wildly overpaid to play prom.

No one told me.

Prom was the only
glimmer of hope I had.

We have no glimmer.
We've lost our glimmer.

Oh, no!

Thanks for nothing.

That day, the news about
prom traveled like lightning,

but my sister would
be struck the hardest.

Hey, Mom, what do you
think about these bad boys?

Gotta spend money to
make money, am I right?

Um, baby, sit down. I've got
some bad news about prom.

As much as it hurt,

my mom had to tell the truth
and break her baby's heart.

It was canceled. No prom.

So, no gig.

Eh, another school will hire us.

Um...

Those calls might not come
in as easily as you think.

See, I might've paid Principal
Ball to hire you. I'm so sorry.

- Sorry? This is sweet.
- What?

All you gotta do is pay
another school to hire me.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- You're right.

Let's just cut out the middle
man. Just pay me directly.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I see how that would
be easier than accepting

every single adult
responsibility.

I'm glad we're on the same page.

Anyway, I'm gonna go
take a nap in the bath.

Or instead of napping,
you could open a newspaper

and see if there's
anything there for you.

Why would I want help?
I got you, silly Mom.

No, I'm putting my foot down!

I love you so much,
but I will throw your

right out onto our
suburban street.

Um, isn't that Dad's thing?

I've got a foot, too, missy!

Homegirl's gonna find out
what it means to work for a living.

So, you better get ready
to sew some buttons,

and hot-tar some roofs
and tend to them chickens!

What era do you
have me working in?

- What's with all the yelling?
- Mom put her foot down.

- Really?
- And that's not all.

I want the boots.

But I earned these
boots with my potential!

You can go barefoot until you learn
how to make an honest paycheck.

So, I'm gonna take all
your shoes, all your clothes,

your pillows and your vitamins!

Okay, she's new at this, so it's
not making sense, but you get it.

I am so angry, and
I can't stop yelling!

Barry knew it was up to
him to make Lainey happy,

even if it meant going to jail.

It was me.

- I'm sorry?
- No, I am.

In a childish effort to avoid
prom, I Val Kilmered your car.

I see.

Well...

Quite a surprise
and disappointment.

- We're good here.
- What?

Don't you have
to call the police?

- Do I?
- Do I?

'Cause that'd be a
hard phone call to make.

Mr. Goldberg, look out the
window and tell me what you see.

A fly-ass T-top Pontiac Fiero?

And do you have any idea
who that car belongs to?

That awesome dude Randy who
always wears the flip-up sunglasses?

No.

That cool sub who's always
teaching with rap lyrics?

- No.
- Charles Barkley?

Power couple Burt
Reynolds and Loni Anderson?

- No.
- The lead singer of UB40?

- No.
- The cast of Benson?

- Bo Jackson's cousin Todd, Todd Jackson?
- No.

- Jermaine Jackson?
- No.

- Bo knows Todd.
- No, me, me, me!

It's my car! And you
know how I got it?

Because the old
aluminum can I was driving

was vandalized by a criminal,

and insurance paid for the
Fiero, no questions asked.

- But...
- No questions asked.

- I don't...
- No questions asked.

- Wha...
- No questions.

- I don't... Zip... Zip.
- Zip. Zip.

So, does this mean
prom is back on?

For everyone but you.
Consider it your punishment.

But also, thank you
for the boss new ride.

Good news, Quakers.
Prom is back on.

That day, my brother really
was a hero, even though

no one would ever know it.

Guys, this is bad. My
mom put her foot down,

which means I gotta
move in with Lainey.

No. My dad kicked me out.
I came here to live with you.

How did we blow this so bad?

Hey, guess what. Prom's back on.

- What?
- How is that even possible?

You didn't hear it from me,

but Barry took the fall
so you could play prom.

Why would he do that for me?

'Cause the people who
care about you most

would do anything
to make you happy.

That's the crazy
thing about life.

Just when you're at your lowest and
think that things can't get any worse,

the people who truly love you
find a way to get you back on top.

I took away her vitamins.

Her Flintstones Chewables.

Now she's a teeny-tiny bit
less nourished because of me.

Okay, I think you've had enough.

Hey. I have some good
news. Prom's back on again.

- God, no.
- No, no.

This time we're just getting paid $10,
but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Can't buy a lot of black
'n' white cookies for that.

That's why tomorrow I'm gonna
find a real job and pay you rent.

And I never said this, but thank
you for getting us our first paid gig.

Oh, don't thank me.

Not after I tried to take
your boots and bedding.

No, I deserved it.

It's just,

all your support and hugs
and love made me feel so safe.

Too safe.

And I just wanted to hide out
here with people who love me.

But I can't do that anymore.

No matter what happens,

this house will always
be a safe place for you.

- You mean it?
- I do.

I'm putting my foot down.

Truth is, when
you're surrounded by

your family and friends,

it's much easier
to face the music.

It's more than a feeling

When I hear that old
song they used to play

That's my prom date! I swear!

And I begin dreaming

Till I see Marianne walk away

Oh. Look at her, Mur.
She's so grown up.

God, everything's changed.

Or not. We still got
three kids in the house.

For now. But I'll take it.

There's nothing
scarier than growing up,

not just for us kids,
for our parents, too.

But no matter how old you are,

what gets you through is
knowing that you're not alone.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd you know I was here?

C'mon. This is where you spent all
your dances before we got together.

Wish I could be
there for your first gig.

I know. And I wish I
could be your prom date.

- But you said that...
- I know what I said.

One dance. Better make
it fast. Erica needs me.

Did you ever think we'd
come back here again?

I really didn't, but I'm
really happy we did.

Happy enough to marry me?

This is for you,
girl. I pick you.

For sure.

Is that a yes?
You never say yes.

I'm saying it this time. Yes.
I'll marry you, you big dummy.

I'm a high-school senior who's
gonna marry a college dropout!

This year turned out awesome!

Till I see Marianne walk away

We're getting married!

Whoo!

Did he just say that...

Tomorrow's problem.

When I look back, it
really was a year filled with

so many changes.

There was the Bevolution,

my sister defied my dad to
follow her rock 'n' roll dreams,

and, of course, Barry's misguided
engagement the day Lainey came back.

Sure, all those details from
1980-something fade over time,

but the love my family shares
was real and would last forever.

And the crazy thing is, the
biggest changes were yet to come.

I look like Babs?

Total Streisand.

Welcome to the
battle of the JTPs!

Eight ball, corner pocket.

Hey, boopie. It's Mama.

Adam, this is the
third time I've called.

Please pick up the phone.

If I don't hear from you soon,

I'm getting on the next plane.

Call! Me!

Hey, Ball. Sounds like you
didn't quite get all them crickets.

Ha! You tried to fix it, but
you didn't, which is hilarious.

Enjoy yourself, kids.

After today, prank
week is officially over.

Gotta admit, Atkins, that
cricket prank was pretty good.

Face it, Goldberg, I'm a legend.

Well, let's not get
carried away, hmm?

Oh, sweet God! Not the Fiero!