The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - Spaceballs - full transcript

Growing up, I was
obsessed with Mel Brooks.

He was a true comedic genius
who mastered the movie parody.

Naturally, my favorite was Spaceballs,
a brilliant satire of Star Wars,

led by the legendary
Rick Moranis.

He introduced the galaxy's most bumbling
Darth Vader, aptly named Dark Helmet.

I can't breathe in this thing!

I not only memorized
every line of Spaceballs,

but I made sure I
looked the part, too.

This was a weekend well spent.

Seriously, how am I not the
most popular guy at school?

That's what I keep asking
kids when I go to pick you up.



Mystery solved.

Like any true fan,

I made it my mission to
start a Mel Brooks club,

and nothing would
stand in my way.

No.

This is crazy.

Every week, I come in here
tryin' to get a new club going,

and you always shut me down.

How can you say no to a school-sponsored
Mel Brooks appreciation club?

Let's just add it to the list.

The Ed Grimley club, the Q-Bert
club, the Garbage Pail Kids Kids,

the Highlander Society.

But guess what?

No one joined those
clubs except for you.



To be fair, there
can be only one.

- See what I did there?
- No.

No one knows what
you're talking about.

And that's why we need my club.

To educate people
on awesome things.

Fine. But you need to have at least
three members, and one has to be a girl.

Jackie!

Huge news! My freshly minted Mel
Brooks club needs a Princess Vespa.

I would love to, but I'm
swamped with the school paper.

Damn it. This is gonna
be harder than I thought.

I have no choice but to comb
the hallways for members.

I love how confident
you are in your bad jokes.

I'll join your spacenuts club,

but only if I can be treasurer
and hold all the money,

which will go missing,
along with that big-ass comb.

Just take the comb.

Yes. I'm gonna
do so many things.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was May 9th, 1980-something,

and my sister had decided
to drop out of college

to pursue music full time
with her best gal pals.

Seriously, dropping
out of college

to start the world's greatest girl band
was, like, the best idea we've ever had.

I know. It feels so good to
finally be free of this prison

where we have to learn stuff and
party all weekend and wake up at noon.

Honestly, it was like
a weight was lifted

after I told my dad
I left fashion school.

- So it went well?
- No, he cried.

Like an ugly cry,
where you gulp for air.

Well, my dad said I'm cut
off and can't ever move back,

which reminds me, I'm
homeless and scared.

Don't worry.

We'll get a place in
Philly and live together

so we can practice and get in
nasty fights that'll fuel our songwriting.

So, your parents are
actually on board with this?

My parents get it.

They will... When I tell them.

- What?
- You, like, suck.

Relax. My plan's always
been to tell them face-to-face

when they come up
for parents' weekend.

- Enough stalling! Today's the day!
- You, like, suck!

You're right. The moment they step
on campus, I'm dropping the bomb.

- Kiddo!
- Schmoopie!

Hey! Sorry, can't do it.

- Howdy, girls.
- Yeah, hello, hello, hello.

Let's just go to your
room. I gotta sit down.

You just sat for
the last three hours.

Driving isn't sitting!

Take me to your dorm.

You know what? Who wants to sit in a
lame dorm when it's parents' weekend?

There's a faculty mixer
and Frisbee golf in the quad.

There's even an improv show!

Wouldn't mind sharing a few
laughs with yuk yuk goose.

No, forget it.

Well, time for a tour!
Come on. Let's go this way.

So sorry.

- You have to tell them!
- You're a traitor.

Okay, come on!

As Erica stalled on
breaking the news,

things were revving
up at our school paper.

Okay, guys, no
more fluff pieces.

I want hard-hitting stories,
shocking exposés, and fiery op-eds.

What do you got?

The price of tater tots in
the cafeteria has skyrocketed.

Where's all that
extra dough going?

Good! Follow the money! Next!

I can tackle the recent scandal
in Coach Mellor's health class.

Hey, nobody told me I had
to do a whole unit on weenies!

- Anyone else?
- Hey-o!

It's me. Sorry to intrude.

Goldfarb! Hit the bricks.

This is newspaper staff only.

Actually, I've got something super
important and need to get the word out.

You're thinking of
joining the paper?

Just hoping you'd print
this on the back page,

along with the ads
and word jumble.

Oh, my God! Adam,
this is fantastic!

Look, you guys! This is
exactly what this paper needs,

a political cartoonist!

Uh, what's that now?

Oh, man! He's using Darth
Vader as a commentary

on Reagan's destruction
of our environment!

We are not printing this
smear piece, commie!

Ronald Reagan's
an American hero,

and he created the presidential
physical fitness test with his bare hands!

I feel like I should've been

a little bit clearer on the
information I was tryin' to convey.

We're printing this, Coach.
It's called freedom of the press.

I do love freedom.
Damn it! You can proceed!

- You did it, buddy!
- Did I?

I had no idea that you
cared about any of this stuff,

but I'm so glad to
know that you do.

Turns out, my girlfriend

had been waiting for me to
show my passion for politics.

Just one problem, I had none.

- Since when are you political, bro?
- Since never, Dave Kim!

That was an ad for
my Mel Brooks club.

I've always been
aggressively non-political,

mostly 'cause it's
boring and bums me out.

That makes way more sense.

It's fine. It's a stupid cartoon
in the back of a paper.

No one will even notice.

This is very noticeable.

And so my love of Mel Brooks

had been mistaken
as a political statement.

Oh, balls!

Or, in my case, Spaceballs.

But that day, things
were even worse for Erica.

They have cocktail shrimp on
ice and tiny corns on the cob.

Oh, I feel like such
a fancy academic.

Well, I'm gonna get back some
of that tuition money in shrimp.

You take your time.

Chew slowly.

Let's talk now
while Dad's feeding.

And remember, we are in public,
which means you can't freak out on me.

- Schmoopie, what's wrong?
- Nothing.

I actually have really
great news, which is...

I'm dropping out of college to
start a girl band with my friends.

I just remembered, I don't
wanna be here for this.

No, you stay!

I need you here supporting
me on this like you always do.

But you know who believes
in me more than anyone?

My mama.

Right?

You're gonna kill your father.

No, don't do your whole
"I'm-killing-Dad" guilt routine.

You're gonna kill your father
dead right where he stands.

Mom, this is my dream in life.

So it's your dream
to kill your father dead

with your bad decisions?

That's your big dream?

Pops, I really need
you here, man.

- You just killed your father.
- What are you doing?

You gotta support
me like you always do.

You want me to support
you killing your father?

Bevy, put this in
your food purse.

Erica's ditching
college to form a band.

- No.
- Well, look at that.

Dad's still alive and oddly calm,
considering I'm dropping out.

The reason I'm so calm is
because it's not happening, moron.

I was a deadbeat
loser before college.

It turned my life around.

And dropping out was
the biggest regret of my life.

- I could've been a lawyer.
- She could have been a lawyer!

And I didn't because no college!

It's like you're trying to kill
me dead right where I stand!

This is a disaster!

- I could've been a lawyer!
- She coulda been a lawyer!

So much for not
screaming in public.

Yup, my parents hadn't
taken Erica's news well.

Meanwhile, I was
doing everything I could

to stay out of the headlines.

No kids in the teachers' lounge.

This is where we go
to be regular people.

I need a place to hide out.

People are trying to
engage me about politics.

- You?
- Please just let me in.

Trust me, nobody
reads that paper.

Yo, Goldnerd!

What's with this leftist load
of crap you put in the paper?

No, you've pissed off the
self-righteous Alex P. Keaton club!

Okay, there's been a little
misunderstanding here.

See, this president's
from the movies.

Don't belittle Reagan 'cause
his humble roots are in acting.

The gipper rules!

Yo, Ad!

Awesome the way
you slammed Reagan!

We really are
living in the empire!

Oh, no! You've also attracted
the whining liberal democrats!

Back off, Dave Sirota.

There's no free handouts
for you and your lefty leeches.

Says the dude who
supports a jelly-bean lover

out to destroy the planet.

It's a smear campaign.

It is not. It's genius.

- This paper is biased.
- Meet your stupid president!

Okay, enough! This is a quaker
school, not the senate floor.

All right, come on,
guys. Let's get to class.

Quick, hide in the
teachers' lounge.

But plug your nose. Someone
heated up crab rangoon.

Adam! Can you believe it?

Everyone either
hates or loves you.

You're so badass and polarizing.

Classic me doing
me stuff, right?

I even showed your cartoon
to my parents and guess what?

They wanna have
you over for dinner.

Dinner with Lynn and
Vinny? That's a huge deal.

Wait. You haven't
met her parents yet?

What's the deal with that?

Actually, I was kinda
wondering that myself.

No, Adam, you did
meet my parents.

You guys had a nice
chat after the musical.

You mean when I was dressed
like Rum Tum Tugger from Cats?

I see what this is.

They think you're a dweeb,

and Jackie doesn't
wanna prove them right.

I'm sure that's not it at all.

No, he's right.

My parents were hippies
at Queens College,

and my dad was
arrested protesting the war.

Hmm, I thought that only
happened in the movies.

Look, I was worried that you
guys wouldn't have anything

to talk about over dinner, but
this cartoon changes everything.

Yes! I can't wait to show your parents
just how much I know about politics.

You could bring all of your
drawings over for dinner

and impress them all over again.

What a lovely evening.

Oh, balls!

Or, again, in my
case, Spaceballs.

Yup, Erica was dropping out.

That is, until my
mom decided to fix it.

Okay, okay, no need to panic.

I will just do my Mama thing and
threaten whoever's responsible.

Mom, this isn't high school.
There's no way to fix this.

Trust me, Mama can fix anything.

I don't even have books
or a meal plan anymore.

I cashed it all in to
fund our band's demo.

- Mama can fix that.
- But I don't even have a room next year!

Mama can fix that.

I skipped the housing
lotto for a gig in New York.

Mama can fix it.

I also skipped finals, which isn't ideal
because I'm on academic probation,

which means I'm more
failing out than dropping out.

Mama can fix that.

I also never wear flip-flops
in the shower, so my feet...

Are not good.

Oh, for sake, Erica!

You have purposely
made this unfixable!

I'll fix it.

Fix it how?

How is he moving
so fast on a bad foot?

Your father's been activated.

It's a combo of aggravation,
frustration, and rage so powerful

it makes him the most
determined man on the planet.

Look at him go!

How is he across
the quad already?

Is he climbing stairs?

He's climbing stairs two
at a time, and without a rail.

Even stairs can't stop
him when he's activated.

As my activated dad went
to fix Erica's bad decisions,

I was starting my
career as an activist.

Hey, guys? Sorry to
interrupt your Tetrising,

but I'm tryin' my
hand at political satire,

and I could really
use a little feedback.

- What you got?
- Okay, so, my first one's all about

how people protest injustice.

So then I thought, "You
know who's really got it bad?

"Pizza. And you know
who's always eating pizza?

"The Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles."

So, the slices, like,
rise up in protest.

This is good.

- I knew it.
- This is real good.

What is this for, exactly?

I'm having dinner with Jackie's
parents and have to show them

that I'm a smart guy who knows stuff
about the world and politics and junk.

Oh, boy.

You're gonna need some others.

For sure! See, here we got
lasagna protesting Garfield.

'Cause he loves
lasagna. Slam dunk, dude.

Um, do you have any different
concepts aside from a food protesting

the thing that eats it?

No, but I do have this.

That's Baby Ruth picketing
Sloth from The Goonies.

This is the one!

You for sure show
this to Jackie's parents.

- Please don't.
- Kudos.

No, my point is, you
gotta watch the news,

read the paper, be able to discuss
things that aren't The Goonies.

He's not getting it,
Adam. Let me explain.

See, Sloth eats Baby
Ruths, like, all the time.

- I get it.
- Do you?

'Cause an entire
line of candy dies out,

and you just want them
to sit there and take it!

Keep stickin' your
head in the sand, sheep!

If Sloth is left unchecked,
there are no more Baby Ruths!

How are you not getting this?

- I do get it.
- Do you?

Yeah, you should probably
teach me some of the basics.

Yeah.

Um, why is all our
stuff back here?

Erica's father's been
activated, sweetie.

This is crazy!

Dad's been gone for 45 minutes!

How on Earth can one
person do so much so fast?

That's what happens
when a father gets activated.

Stop saying "activated"
like it's a thing.

Clearly, it is. All
our stuff's back here.

- How?
- Murray sweet-talked

the head of the housing office, then
got a bunch of hacky-sacking kids

to bring everything back
for a plate of nachos.

But Erica dropped
all her classes.

Then he went to the
registrar, lobbed a few threats,

greased a few palms, and boom!

Your class schedule
for the next year.

But I failed out.

The dean literally
asked me to leave.

Then he saw the dean and begged
and pleaded and even shed a few tears.

- You cried?
- I did what I had to do.

So, what, you just want
me to give up on my dream?

Trust me, I know from experience
you have to see this through.

It's too important.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Please, just listen
to our first song.

I know you'll see that this
is what I'm meant to do.

- Gross.
- How are you already asleep?

Your father's been
deactivated, sweetie.

He won't wake for
another two to 16 hours.

His feet are on your pillow.

I'm just a bill,
yes, I'm only a bill

Schoolhouse
Rock! This is perfect!

That piece of paper has a
little briefcase like a human!

I totally get politics now.

You really should read
The New York Times,

but I think this is
more your speed.

Armed with political knowledge,

I took on dinner with
Jackie and her parents.

No, all I'm saying is,
I didn't get arrested

for protesting at Queens College
to have the country run like this.

If we did it your way, we'd
never get anything done.

- Guys, behave.
- No, I actually agree.

Sometimes a bill just waits around
on those Capitol Hill steps forever.

My point exactly, Adam.

These things
take time. Tell him.

Tell her, Adam.

Tell her what happens
when a bill just languishes.

Yes, what does happen next?

Uh...

I'm just a bill
yes, I'm only a...

Adam?

Is that Schoolhouse Rock?

No...

'Cause it sounds like
Schoolhouse Rock.

Does it?

Yes, it sounds like you don't
know about basic government,

so you're singing Schoolhouse
Rock to remind yourself.

No.

It's, uh... No.

Hey, you know what would be fun?

Adam, why don't you
show us some new cartoons

that you made for the paper?

Maybe after dinner?

Listen, you wanna stir
things up with your drawing?

You should hit Star Wars.

Vinny, stop.

Last thing Adam needs is to
hear you rant about Star Wars

and overblown budgets.

By pure fate,

the conversation suddenly
pivoted to the one topic

that I could debate like a pro.

No, no, no. I promise you I can
convince anyone to love Star Wars.

All right, I can see you're a
man of passion, like myself.

Convince me.

Unfortunately, Jackie's
parents were arguing about

this defense system from the
'eighties nicknamed Star Wars.

I only knew about the other one.

Look! It's Han and Chewie!

They came back
to help the rebels!

'Cause what's more important
than space money? Friendship.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Never underestimate tiny bears!

Open the blast doors!
Open the blast doors!

While IG-88 didn't play
a huge role in the movie,

he did get his
own action figure.

See? It shows that everyone
in the galaxy is important.

Oh, no! They're dying, R2!

And Luke's all, "Ah!"

And then Vader chucks the
emperor down the reactor chute,

and we realize,
there's still good in us!

And that, my friends, is
why Star Wars is the best.

They're talking about a
missile-defense system.

Good stuff.

That night, Jackie's
parents saw the real me.

And the next morning, the real
me had some explaining to do.

Yeah, we gotta
talk about last night.

Oh, is that whole thing
still on everyone's mind?

Adam, what happened to the
guy who drew that political cartoon?

Jackie, that guy doesn't
exist. He never has.

It was just a flyer for
my Mel Brooks club.

So, you lied to me?

Of course, I did. You
looked so relieved

and happy when you
thought I was Mr. Politics man.

Adam, you don't have to
pretend to be somebody you're not

just to make me happy.

You admitted that I was too
embarrassing to meet your parents!

No, that's not how I meant it.

No, it is. Look, I tried to
be political, and I sucked.

But when I'm not political,
I'm just not good enough.

So I can't win no
matter who I am.

Even though Jackie knew
I wasn't much for politics,

my work was still
being boycotted.

Hey! Goldnerd!

- Oh, man, now what?
- You and me, bro.

Lunchroom debate on foreign policy,
Lincoln-Douglas style, no moderator.

Lincoln who? What's happening?

You are so on! Goldberg's
gonna tear you apart!

I'm not debating anyone! Let
me say this once and for all.

My drawing was about the
bumbling president from Spaceballs!

Damn right! Reagan's bumbled his
way through his whole presidency.

And that is exactly
why I hate politics!

There is no debate
with you people.

You've just made up your
mind and refuse to listen!

So, our side wins, then?

There is no side!

What happened next
surprised even me.

I reached down deep
and gave the greatest,

most awkward non-political
speech ever delivered.

Look, I'm just a simple dude who
likes movies and puppet-based sitcoms.

That's what I wanna do with my life,
make people happy with clean family fun.

Yes, it's super lame.

But it also helps
bring people together!

I don't see that happenin', man.

But it can. 'Cause no
matter what side you're on,

there's one thing
we can all agree on,

and that's that Mel
Brooks is freaking hilarious!

Agreed! He's done the finest fart
work ever committed to the silver screen.

Gotta admit, I do love
Young Frankenstein.

It's pronounced
"Fronk-en-steen," but not the point.

That day, I helped everyone
find some common ground.

And I finally
founded my first club.

I'm twisted up inside
but nonetheless,

I feel the need to say

'Cause even the toughest
debates can be won

if you open up your
heart and listen.

Don't know the future

But the past keeps
gettin' clearer every day

Catchy stuff.

I know... Doesn't mean I can
let her throw her future away.

Unless this is her future.

I just...

Always wanted Erica to do what
I never could and finish college.

Dad, look at me.

My kids are all grown up,
and I'm searching for who I am.

Last thing I want is for her
to end up like me, you know?

But Erica's not searching.
She's found what she wants.

In that moment, it was
my mom who got activated,

and when that happens,
there's no stopping her.

I'm twisted up inside but
nonetheless, I feel the need to say

Mom, why are you back?

Don't know the future

I listened to your song, Schmoo.

And you were right.

It's great.

And you need to
give this a shot.

But you said that finishing
college is the only thing that matters.

Well, this really
isn't about me.

What about Dad? He's gonna flip.

Mama will fix it.

I hope.

Truth is, it's easy to let our
differences drive us apart.

It's not so hard to remember
we all have so much in common.

Whoa!

Your club still looking
for a Princess Vespa?

What about the newspaper?

I figured I could
use a little fun.

That's why I'm
with you, you know.

Because you make me laugh.

The world could use
more people like you.

No, the world needs you.

I mean, you inspired me so much.

I actually learned how a law
becomes a bill because of you.

Bills become laws.

We'll just listen
to the song again.

You know, our club is about
to have a little field trip. You in?

My childhood in the
eighties was a magical time.

For me, it wasn't about
the President or politics.

It was about the
movies that shaped me,

the laughter we shared,
the schwartz in all of us.

This is terrible! Do something!

Why didn't somebody
tell me my ass was so big?

Man, the President
is such a dope!

- Dude.
- Chill, I'm talkin' about the movie.

Seriously, how do
people not get it?

Now, there's a show on
ABC called The Goldbergs.

- Oh, yeah.
- You know, about my family and...

The creator's takin' heat,

because they say he's
criticizing the president

when, in fact, he was criticizing
the president from Spaceballs.

Yeah. WOMAN 2:
Look at the hashtag!

- It's very clear!
- I mean...

What the...

Dark Helmet?

Take my hand, Adam F. Goldberg.

Join me, and together we can
rule the galaxy as father and son.

Dude, you're not my dad.

Oh, yeah? Then explain this!

No! That's impossible!

I will never join you!

Oh, I see your
schwartz has grown.

I'm in high school now.

Yeah, I was a late
bloomer myself.

Now die!

What's this? DARK
HELMET: Uh, nothing.

"Spaceballs Two."

Oh, it's just a little
script I'm noodling with.

It's stupid.

Actually, I'm super proud of it.

Read it if you
want. I don't care.

You know what? I'd
love to act it out for you.

And so Pizza the Hutt says,

"Dark Helmet wins the
intergalactic ski race!"

And I'm like, "You know it."
Then all my subjects cheer,

and the princess is like,
"Kiss me already." And I do.

Awesome!

I give you my word.
I will get this made.

Oh, stop.

Take my hand Dark Helmet! Join me
and together we can make this sequel!

Oh, my little schmoopie's
having a bad dream.

No! This is my nightmare.