The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Opportunity of a Lifetime - full transcript

Ah, baseball.

America's pastime.

Growing up, my brother Barry
was one of those kids whose dream

was to take the mound
at Veterans Stadium.

And then, one day, he got an actual
shot to become a Philadelphia Phillie,

thanks to one of the
greatest gimmicks of the '80s,

the radio call-in contest.

Angelo Cataldi here with
the opportunity of a lifetime.

The 100th caller throws out
the first pitch at the Phillies game.

Lucky, Adam, thank
you for joining me.

Today, Big Tasty wins the
most coveted prize in AM radio.



You do realize these are
virtually impossible to win, right?

Not when you invented
a top-secret formula

that guarantees me
to be the 100th caller.

Seriously? How?

Two words, math matics.

Just hit caller 85. So close.

It's 1.7 seconds per call,

so if I multiply the amount
of callers by the rate of calls,

then I dial them
up in exactly...

Dial right now! Don't
wait another second!

Thirty-seven minutes.

Yeah, that's not right.

Just hit caller 90.

You should call right now!



You dare question
my Texas Instruments?

It's from Texas. That's
where NASA is, bro!

Caller 95! Get off
your ass and call!

Now we just sit and wait, Lucky.

Congrats. You're
the 100th caller.

What? That's impossible!

What's your name,
and where you from?

Adam Goldberg.
I'm from Jenkintown.

Oh, no!

This is amazing. I've
literally never won anything.

What the hell are you doing?

Yeah, I'll hold. Just stole
your stupid baseball pitch.

You can't, dude! This pitch
is an opportunity of a lifetime!

- How?
- 'Cause once the Phillies

see my flamethrower, they'll
give me a brand-new Mustang

as a signing bonus.

Aw. That's a shame, 'cause
instead, you get to watch me.

Please. I'll give you
anything you want.

Go on.

- My Sports Illustrated football phone.
- No.

A Rubik's Cube with
all the stickers taken off

- so you always win.
- No.

- A leaf that looks like a boob.
- Nope.

This incredibly
stretched-out Coke bottle

- filled with colored sand.
- Nah.

- Limited-edition butt mug?
- Pass.

Super Madball Touchdown...

- terror football.
- Uh-uh.

This awesome drawing
I made of a leopard.

Do better.

My prized Kathy Ireland poster

personally autographed to me.

You misspelled Kathy.

Final offer.

Whenever Mom tries to
snuggle you in any way,

I will act as a human
shield to protect.

Now that I'll take.

- Ha! Sucker.
- Oh, yeah?

Hey, Mama. Those vanilla
chunk cookies smell amazing.

You know what else is
an amazing vanilla chunk?

You.

- Whoop! Not on my watch.
- Barry, no.

This neck nuzzle is for Adam.

Well, you have no choice
but to nuzzle my neck instead.

Well, that's an
unexpected win-win.

Ah! Don't doubt yourself, Barry.

Do it for the Phillies.

This is so worth it.

This really is!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was May 2nd,
1980-something...

And Erica was showing
her best friend, Lainey,

around the greatest
place on Earth.

Seriously, college is the best.

My classes are,
like, so interesting.

Mine, too. I'm always
like, "I did not know that."

I love the parties and
meeting smart people

and living with my
roommate, who is awesome.

Oh! Tell me about it.

I love my roommate, The Raven.

The wha?

It's her Wiccan name.

She's so cool and
artsy and chain smokes

and flicks the ashes
at me while I sleep.

Yeah, she doesn't sound great.

That's 'cause she's not!
She's horrible and scary!

And I hate her and
everything else at college.

Oh, thank God! Me too!

- Really?
- Yes!

I only said that
college is the best

because you seemed
really positive about it.

Oh, no! Fashion school
was such a mistake.

I like buying clothes
and the wearing 'em part,

but making my own stuff sucks
'cause I have to do the sewing.

You know what's worse?
I came here to play music,

but all they make me do is read
these big, boring textbooks about it.

- You could sue.
- For sure!

I'm not a lawyer, but I
have a real case here.

God, I miss high school so much.

You and me, singing in my
room, dreaming of being stars.

We were so young last
year. Such a happy time.

Honestly, I wish we could
just forget about college,

start a band, and
have fun again.

- Then let's do it.
- Do what?

Lainey, we're adults now. We
can do whatever the hell we want.

Yeah, I don't think I can just
blow off school to start a band.

I have a mid-term
project due next week.

So? I have a music
theory final tomorrow

and I haven't even cracked
open this giant book.

Is this really happening?

Are we blowing off school to
become a rock 'n' roll super group?

We'll be like Joan Jett
meets The Bangles.

- Meets Madonna.
- Obviously!

All we need now is a
kick-ass lady drummer.

Ooh. That's gonna
be hard to find.

- I'll do it.
- Wait, really?

I thought you were
an art history major.

My stupid mom forced me to take
marching band in middle school.

So you still play?

No, but I air-drum to
Genesis, like, all the time

and I'm, like, sick at it.

Okay, we got our
drummer! It's fate!

Seriously, what are the chances
you end up with a roommate

who likes the idea of drumming?

This literally can't fail.

Dude, look at her go!

That probably sounds amazing.

And so, my sister happily
threw away her college education.

Meanwhile, my dad
was about to learn

that Barry was one throw
away from baseball glory.

Father! In preparation
for my pitch at the Vet,

it is essential I have a
top-of-the-line radar gun

that clocks my
explosive fastball.

How are you throwing out the
first pitch at a Phillies game?

WIP call-in contest.

My boy's throwing
out the first pitch?

Here, take my card.
Buy whatever you need.

I cannot wait to
show Mike Schmidt

the nasty aspirin tablet
I fire-hose in there!

You only have one chance to
dazzle the Phillies with your arm.

- Am I right?
- That's what I was thinking!

'Cause there is a world
where they see my bazooka

and I immediately get
a contract and uniform.

Sixty-five thousand
people at the Vet

are gonna see that
flamethrower of yours.

I'm sorry. I was just
de-turding some shrimp

and I couldn't
help but overhear.

Sixty-five thousand people?

This is the opportunity
of a lifetime.

My boy's gonna make
the Goldberg name proud.

I won't let you down, Dad.
I'm gonna bring the thunder.

I cannot believe

you're gonna be standing on
the same grass with Mike Schmidt.

- It's too much!
- Same grass?

We're gonna be on the same team.

Can you imagine sharing a
locker room with Schmidty?

I'll grow a sweet mustache to match
his and then we'll date twin weather girls.

Promise me you'll
grow a 'stache.

Promise!

Murray, are you sure about this?

You know how Barry caves
under the slightest pressure.

I played baseball in high
school. Barry's got this.

That makes no sense!

One thing has nothing
to do with the other.

Every day, my moron
kids come in here

asking me for money for
the dumbest of dreams.

Finally, I found one
I can get behind.

But you don't actually believe

that Barry will be
scouted onto the Phillies.

Of course not, but
you never know.

So you do think so?

Not a chance!

Unless it happens.

Okay, kinda giving
me mixed signals here.

Listen to my words.

I know Barry will never
play for the Phillies,

although crazier
things have happened.

For the first time ever,

my mom was doubting
one of her precious children.

As for Erica, she was certain
of her rock 'n' roll destiny.

A-one, two. A-one,
two, three, four.

That sounded awesome, guys!

That's, like, a
totally tight intro.

What a crazy-productive first day.
I mean, we decided on our look.

Super-feminine, but tough.

And our band name, The Tangles.

It, like, captures who we
are, but also doesn't, at all.

Now all that's left
is the easy part,

writing a totally original hit song
that changes rock 'n' roll forever.

Actually, I've been
working on a little riff.

Well, let's hear it.

Keep going. I think
I got something.

I enjoy rockin' out

So put another tape
in the boom box, baby

Within seconds, The Tangles
stumbled upon an epic hit,

but in their excitement,
no one realized

how shockingly similar it was
to a little song sung by Joan Jett.

I like rockin' out

So come on over and jam with me

Whoo! I have chills!

- Oh, my God!
- Am I crazy, or is this a hit song?

- Oh, my God!
- You are not crazy.

- It's bad-ass...
- Like, oh, my God!

And totally defines The Tangles.

Okay, I wasn't gonna
mention this in case we sucked,

but now that we're amazing,

I think it's time I make a call
and get us a gig at CBGBs.

What?

My uncle Louie's a bookie
who knows the booker.

Your uncle's the booker's bookie
at the grittiest rock club in the world?

Guys, playing New York has been my dream
ever since we got together this morning.

We gotta make a bunch of fliers
and rent a van for all our gear.

Plus, we need to make some
super-cute merch that our fans will demand.

We're gonna need
money and lots of it.

I'll cash in my meal card.

It's like every decision we
make continues to be perfect.

Oh!

Tangles forever!

Let's go.

Look that ball in
the face and catch it!

No flinching!

- Rick, we need to talk.
- Lemme guess.

Barry's throwing out the
first pitch and you're worried.

Oh, you know about the pitch.

Everyone does.

He got on the PA

and assured us we'd all be forgotten
when he becomes a major league star.

Well, he is throwing out a
ball in front of Mike Schmidt,

so there's a small
chance, right?

Wrong. You see
that boy right there?

That's Ruben Amaro
Jr., baseball star,

recruited nationally and currently
dominating seven of his peers

with the sheer
power of his rifle arm.

And yet his chances of making
it to the pros are almost zero.

- Wait, what?
- If anybody can do it, it's you, Ruben!

So if Ruben might
not be a Phillie,

what's the best
case for Barry here?

Best case?

Barry uncorks a wild pitch
and blinds a peanut vendor.

I don't get it.

Murray usually destroys
the kids' dreams,

but for some reason, this
one time, he's on board.

Well, unfortunately,
your husband is suffering

from what we in the athletic
community call "sports goggles."

I heard something
crack inside of me.

Sports goggles are when
a father gets so swept up

by the promise of
his son's athleticism,

he's unable to see his
own child's limitations.

Interesting. I have
never heard of that.

Well, it's not unlike
the thick "mom goggles"

that you strap on every day

that prevent you from seeing the
staggering mediocrity of your children.

Please. I would never be so blind as to
think that Barry could become a Phillie.

A professional model, sure,
or doctor, or doctor-model.

The point is, you gotta get those
sports goggles off your husband.

But how?

This is the first time I've
ever seen that light in his eyes.

If you really love your son,

you better figure out a
way to snuff that light out.

I'd like to go back to band now.

No flinching!

My mom was determined

to protect Barry from
becoming a laughingstock,

and so began her mission
to shut down the big pitch.

Murray, we have a major issue
we have to talk about right now...

Sure thing.

Just need another 20 minutes
for the lotion to settle in.

What am I looking at?
Why is this happening?

My pitching coach is
loosening up the ol' slingshot

so I can show Tug
McGraw what's what.

And you're gonna
be doing it in style.

Oh! Is that what I think it is?

A Phillies jersey?

I can't wait to call all
my friends and tell them.

- It's nothing.
- No, Dad.

You made me the
happiest boy in the world.

You know, I always
had a dream...

Mur? Really gotta talk.

To one day pitch for the
Phillies and that never happened.

- Really gotta talk.
- And now, with you?

- You never know.
- We don't know, do we?

And that's why I'm here.
I have some information

that suggests we know more than we
think we do... Oh, God, I see Murray tears.

- I can't help it!
- No, don't you cry.

If you cry, I'll cry.

I'm just so damn proud.

You know what? Talk to your mom.

Let me get my bearings.

I just... I wanted
to tell Barry...

Don't pitch.

Did you just call
me a "dumb bitch"?

No, I said, "Don't pitch."

What? That's even worse!

Look, I spoke to Coach Mellor.

He said the most likely outcome
here is that you'll be a city-wide pariah.

The fish that have teeth?

Yes! They're the
sharks of the river.

Not piranha, Barry. I'm
saying you'll be a laughingstock.

Wow. This is just
so typical of you.

Beverly Goldberg, always
stepping on her kids' dreams.

No, I do the opposite!

Everyone knows that!
Murray, back me up here.

I have to side with
Bar on this one.

You know, if I don't support his
talent, then I have failed as a father.

No! That's the thing that I say.

"I failed as a mother."

You said it, not me.

What's up, Manhattan?
We are The Tangles!

Whoo! I'm dating the lead singer

and I took a bus up
here at the drop of a hat

'cause I wanted
to be supportive!

- We're gonna play now.
- I love you.

A-two, three, four!

I'm out here living on
my own and it's the dream

Nobody screaming at me
to keep my bedroom clean

With that, The Tangles
unleashed their hit single.

It was catchy, it was rocking,
and it was already a Joan Jett song.

I enjoy rockin' out

So put another tape
in the boom box, baby

I enjoy rockin' out

So go to Sam Goody and buy a CD

You gotta stop.

Is it 'cause we're too good?

Are you gonna sign us right
here in the middle of the song?

No. This club
has a strict policy.

- No cover bands.
- What?

But this is a totally original
song that we wrote ourselves.

Babe? You know I totally
love everything you do,

but that was clearly
I Love Rock 'N' Roll.

No way! That song goes...

I love rock 'n' roll

So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby

Ours goes...

I enjoy rockin' out

So put another tape
in the boombox...

Oh, wow, we
ripped off Joan Jett.

Yeah. That's why it
sounded so familiar.

Okay, well... That happens,
but you know what?

We promise, there is no band as
groundbreaking as The Tangles.

I agree.

Now that you say it out loud, our
name sounds a lot like The Bangles.

Also true.

Okay. Well, aside from
ripping off our song and name,

our style and look
is totally original.

You do realize that you're all
dressed like Madonna, right?

You're supposed to be
on our side, Uncle Louie!

Just play something else.

Stop pressuring
us. I am freaking out.

Okay, don't freak
out. We got this, girls.

Two, three, four.

We got nothin'.

I love you.

As The Tangles flamed out,

my brother's baseball
career was heating up

and that meant locking down the
perfect look for his Topps trading card.

But not everyone around
him was stoking the flames.

Whatcha boys doin'?

We're working on some poses
for our rookie baseball card.

I like the stance. Very rugged.

Bup-bup! Only people
who believe in me

are allowed to comment
on how rugged this stance is.

About that. I'm
sorry I panicked.

Of course I believe
in you, boopie. In fact,

I bought you some balls so
Mama can see that arm cannon.

All right, 17. Go
get your glove.

Wow. We haven't
had a game of catch

since I got kicked out of
T-ball for throwing the bat.

Ooh! You put some
hot sauce on that one.

Here comes some
cheese with extra hot sauce.

See, Bevy? Kid's a natural.

He really is.

You know, I cannot wait to watch
you pitch from 60 feet, six inches.

Why would we do that?

'Cause that's how far the
mound is from home plate.

I thought they just threw
from where it feels right.

Come on. You
got this. Back it up.

Okay. There.

Go back a little
further, schmoopie.

Okay, halfway there.

Keep going. Almost there.

And stop.

Oh, I forgot I
marked it with tape.

Anyway, let 'er rip!

Man, looks closer on TV!

You got this, 17!
Smoke it in here! Let's go!

It's got the height!
I just need control!

- Just a warm-up.
- Are you sure it's this far?

Kinda seems like it'd be
very taxing on a pitcher's arm!

No, that's right. I
looked it up in the library.

Okay. Here comes the
heat for real this time.

- This is bad.
- Yes, it is.

Whoo!

When I throw, I
feel God's power!

We can't let him do this.

We're.

My dad finally saw the light.

As for The Tangles, they
were facing their dark future.

I don't know what's worse.

The fact that we bombed so hard

or the fact that we blew
all our money on merch.

Way to make a
splash, rock stars!

Geoff, I love you, but please
don't try to spin this disaster.

Okay, so you got a little ambitious,
but forget about the merch.

At the end of the day,
you're still in college

with a roof over your head
and food in your tummy.

I cashed in my meal plan.

Uh-huh. That makes sense,
but why would you do that?

But it's fine because
it's all about the sacrifice.

Just ask The Beatles.

We failed out, which
at the time made sense

because we were
gonna be rock stars.

Say what now?

And... Someone stole the van.

We are not good at this.

My dad was desperate
to protect Barry,

so he turned to a
seasoned athletic scrub, me.

Hey, pal. Lookin' spry.

It's a power pad.

Look at my son, the sports nut.

It's more like
tap-dancing than sports.

So it's settled. You're gonna
take the pitch from Barry.

Good talking to ya, pal.

Whoa. Stop!

I can't throw an
actual ball in public.

Come on. It's the
opportunity of a lifetime.

An opportunity of a
lifetime I don't want.

Mom, help me out!

Don't make me do this
opportunity of a lifetime, please.

So help me, if you don't take
this opportunity of a lifetime,

I will ground you.

Okay, I cannot stand by and
let this opportunity of a lifetime

tear this family apart.

Let's just give this godforsaken
opportunity of a lifetime back.

You can't just give it back.

It's the opportunity
of a lifetime.

Opportunity of a lifetime?

I'm intrigued.

Great. Al will throw out the
first pitch at the Phillies game.

Oh, God, no!

What kind of a ferkakte
opportunity is this?

Barry, you like baseball.

Have I got an opportunity
of a lifetime for you.

Are you trying to give away
my opportunity of a lifetime?

Come on, Bar. We both
know all that stuff was just talk.

But I promised I'd
make you proud.

I just don't wanna
see you get hurt.

Too late.

You know, even though
we totally bombed

and threw away our futures
and have no money to get home...

These past few days
have been the most fun

that I've had since
going to college.

It really was like
the old days, huh?

Totally...

If I were there.

- Oh, I'm not...
- No, you are.

I mean, we are.

Be generous if you
like what you hear.

Beat was going strong
Playing my favorite song

- What are you doing?
- Getting us home.

I could tell it wouldn't be long

Till he was with me Yeah, me

Singin' I love rock 'n' roll

So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby

I love rock 'n' roll

So come and take your
time and dance with me

- What are you doing?
- Just getting rid of this old junk.

Old junk? The Phillie Phanatic?

You used to take this
with you everywhere.

I was a dumb kid back then.

You do realize that if
you throw out the pitch,

you'll meet this goofy
green bastard in person.

Come on, we all saw what
happens when I try to throw the heat.

Look, it's my fault.

This whole baseball thing made
me feel like a kid again and...

It was... It was great.

I was living through my
boy, but I took it too far.

Oh, hey. I was just walking by.

Whatcha guys talking about?

How Dad believed in me too much
and you didn't believe in me at all.

Well, that was a shocking
change of pace, and I'm sorry.

But the truth is, it doesn't matter
how we feel about the pitch.

What matters is
that you go for it.

Just toss the ball
around and have fun.

Now that I can do.

Turns out, that pitch was
the opportunity of a lifetime.

It wouldn't make
Barry a Phillie,

but it did get him playing
catch with my dad again.

I love rock 'n' roll

So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby

I love rock 'n' roll

So come on, take the
time and dance with me

I'm gonna make you proud, Dad.

You already have.

Sure, I had one of those dads

who wasn't much of a dreamer,
but thanks to my brother,

for one night, he got to be.

There it is. He
lobbed it right in there.

He was so good!

Oh, he's a natural!

He didn't even throw
from the mound.

They're gonna sign him!

They're gonna sign my baby!

Just let her have this.

- He's a pro all right!
- Yes!

So come on, take your
time and dance with me

Wow. This seems like
more than enough money

for you to get back to school.

Oh, I'm not goin' back.

This right here? This
is what I wanna do.

- Well, you're not doin' it alone.
- Screw it!

I'm in!

I love rock 'n' roll

It was official.

Erica was dropping out to
chase her rock 'n' roll fantasies.

That's the thing
about dreaming big.

If you believe just enough,
you can make anything a reality.

Throwing out our ceremonial
first ball is Barry Goldberg.

Could you imagine,
though, growing up here

- and you get to throw out a first pitch?
- No question.

From the Philadelphia
Phillies, Michael Schmidt!

You're throwin'
out a first pitch

to the greatest
Phillie that ever lived.

I think the greatest
thing about that first pitch

is Barry saying,
"That's Mike Schmidt."

Tell you what,
give him credit, too.

He threw a strike.