The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Hogan Is My Grandfather - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
being the only kid in my school

with his own video
camera had its advantages.

Most notably, I could use it to get
out of tough homework assignments.

Rolling.

ADULT ADAM: For
example, AP Spanish.

By the power of Grayskull!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

ADULT ADAM: The movies I made for
school never failed to dazzle my teachers.

Well, that content
was shockingly simple.

But wow. You have
a video camera.

That's not nothing.
A-plus, señor!



ADULT ADAM: It was the
ultimate scam to get out of work

I didn't wanna do.

Athletics saves lives!

Get fit, or you'll
end up like this!

Damn it. My foot
swelled up again.

Bevy, help me!

It's locked in tight!

That's a moving
cautionary tale, Goldfarb.

You can sit out dodgeball
for the whole week.

ADULT ADAM: Even the toughest teachers
in school fell for my homework hack.

Like Doc, the classic '80s teacher
who was rough around the edges

and a sniper with
a piece of chalk.

Yeah, this kind of student
cruelty was only a thing of the past.

All right, I hope you were all taking
notes, 'cause it's term-paper time.



I want 10 pages on World War II,

not including bibliography.

Would you prefer
double-spaced or triple-spaced?

Hey, that was close!

It's called a warning
shot, fresh mouth.

Always single-spaced.
Goldberg, speak.

As you may know, filmmaking
has been a passion of mine

since my early years
here at William Penn.

Yeah. I think we all know how
that's held you back socially.

Indeed. I was wondering
if, instead of the paper,

you'd accept a cinematic re-creation
of an important event from the war.

Sounds like someone's trying
to get out of doing real work.

Other teachers have said yes,

and they've been very
pleased with the results.

Ask around the lounge. I
think you'll hear good things.

I am no longer
welcome in that lounge.

Lucky for you, Doc likes a
good World War II movie.

But you better
wow me, or it's an F.

High stakes. I like that game.

He gets to make a movie?

Seriously, why does everyone
jump up and down for this kid

just 'cause his parents spoiled
him with a video camera?

Son, it is taking all my energy
not to chuck an eraser at your head.

Dave Kim's voice
will not be silenced!

How is this allowed?

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
October 4, 1980-something,

and my sister Erica was in
college, parent-free and loving life.

- Damn washing machine!
- ADULT ADAM: Well, kind of.

My jeans are completely bleached

and not in the cool,
acid-washed kind of way.

How much, like,
bleach did you use?

I don't know. One?

One bleach?

You realize you have, like, no
basic life skills, and it's gross.

Okay, I just messed
up a little laundry.

As if! I mean, look at
your side of the room.

- It's a total garbage heap.
- It's an organized heap.

I have a system.

It's like you don't know
how to pick up after yourself

or make a bed for
yourself or feed yourself.

What? I prefer to eat out

because I don't know how to cook
ramen or boil a cow or whatever.

Look, we're friends and stuff,

but if you don't learn how
to take care of yourself,

I'll talk to the RA and get
you evicted or whatever.

- You can't do that!
- Oh, I can.

Get it together, or you'll be
living in the mature-students dorm.

I can't live with moms who
are going back to school

to get their lives on track!

You either learn fast, or your
new roomie will be a divorcee

who takes pottery classes
and listens to Yanni.

- Not Yanni!
- Yanni.

Okay, I am an adult.

I can fix this on my own.

ADULT ADAM: But she couldn't,
so she came home instead.

We need to talk, woman!

- Sweet God, am I dreaming?
- You ruined my life!

Dang it. It's real.

In my dreams, we wear matching
sweaters and you drown me in nub-nubs.

Mom, I'm a total
mess at college.

Because of you, I've
never had to clean or cook

or act like a human
in the real world.

Are you saying I failed as a mother
by being too good of a mother?

Yes! I am bleached
and stinky and hungry.

Well, let Mama do
your dirty laundry

and fill you with eggs
and breads and meats.

Well, I kind of took a bus at
5:00 a.m. to learn adult skills,

but your thing
sounds way easier.

Feed me the meats!

Why are you here? Why
are you eating my meats?

- Hi, Daddy.
- Huge news, Murray.

Erica's gonna come home every
weekend so I can care for her needs!

That's ridiculous.

She's got to learn how to take care
of herself, not have you baby her.

No! Let her baby me,

or I'll be rooming with
someone's colorful aunt

who's trying to reinvent herself,
but she can't because it's too late.

Stop eating my meats.

No babying, just teaching.

You act like I baby
them on purpose, Murray.

Mom, I'm starving!

Turn this magic dust
into pancakes for me?

No! This stops now, moron!

Make them
yourself like an adult.

Fine!

Now all we do is wait.

Start now.

Start teaching them how
to live without their mother

so they don't end
up here forever.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
tried to help his helpless kids,

Pops was patiently waiting to
hang with his favorite grandson.

There he is.

You all ready to hit the
auction house, kiddo?

Aw! I'm sorry. I can't go.

But we pretend
we're titans of industry

and drive up all the
prices of the nonsense art.

Pops, I'm busy.

I'm in high school.
I got a girlfriend.

I'm making a movie
on World War II.

World War II? Why
didn't you say so?

That's my war! Let me help.

Guess I could interview you
and get some cool stories.

You want stories? I got stories.

Did I ever tell you about my
crazy friend Boxy in basic training?

This is good. Was he a boxer?

No. We called him Boxy 'cause
his family owned a box factory.

He tripped over a
table in the mess hall,

hurt his foot, was sent
home, became an orthodontist.

Okay. Well, maybe you should
talk more about the actual war stuff.

Well, for most of the war, I
was actually on a supply ship.

Shipping bullets
and bombs and stuff?

Mostly canvas. And rope.

And one time, we were
loaded up with pants.

Yeah, I think I want my
movie to be less about pants

and more about saving the world.

But we can hang
out some other time.

ADULT ADAM: Pops
could see he was losing me.

So in that moment, he
decided to spice things up

with some stories from the
classic '60s sitcom, Hogan's Heroes.

I got one.

My supply ship got captured
and I was taken prisoner.

Prisoner? Why didn't
you lead with that?

- I was building up to it.
- ADULT ADAM: And I was hooked.

Every tale Pops told
was better than the last!

And we got all our
instructions from London

through a radio we had
hidden in a coffee pot.

That does make sense.

I had to convince the colonel
to let me form a jazz band,

- which would trigger an avalanche.
- Unbelievable.

The chimpanzee
had nowhere to go,

so it only made sense he
live with us in our barracks.

This is gonna be an awesome
movie! The script is gonna write itself!

Go get 'em, Slugger.

I'm just gonna
jog the ol' memory.

ADULT ADAM: While Pops
got schooled on Hogan's Heroes,

my mom was reluctantly
teaching Erica and Barry life skills.

And you pinch the shoulders,

flip in the sleeves, and hello,

store-quality folded shirt.

Hope you're happy, Erica.

I was enjoying my life of leisure
with my mom-butler and you ruined it.

Calm down. All we're doing

is learning a few easy
things to appease your father.

Yeah, learning won't hurt.

Then we wouldn't have to leave
an awesome place like college

to go to a lame place like here.

So you want to learn
so you can leave?

Exactly. Help us leave you.

ADULT ADAM: After hearing
my sister's change of heart,

my mom decided not to teach
them, but to bring them down.

Okay, then.

Let's start with something
simple, a fitted sheet.

If you can't fold a simple sheet,
there's really no hope for you.

What the hell? Where does it
begin, and where does it end?

Just give it to me, dude.
I'll show you how to do it.

Oh, no! I'm stuck!

I'm stuck inside! I'm
inside of the sheet!

- BARRY: You got it?
- No. Wait.

BARRY: Oh, no. ERICA:
Grab the stretchy part.

Nope, that's not
the stretchy part!

BARRY: I'm gonna die in here!
ERICA: You're making it worse!

Oh, my God. You are
so good at Mom stuff.

I know. It's so frustrating.

You can't come to where I am.

I wish there was a way
I could go someplace.

Wait! What if you came to us?

Say it, Erica. Say every detail
of every idea you just had.

Every weekend, you can
visit and clean my filthy dorm,

cook me food, and do
laundry while I'm at class

- and partying with my friends.
- What about me?

Fine. She can
alternate weekends.

You just solved your
unsolvable problem!

Yay!

Hey, morons. Let
me get this straight.

You two have officially decided

to let your mom take care of
you for the rest of your lives.

- She seems very open to it.
- Of course she is.

How do you not see what
she's doing after all this time?

Dude, do you think she gave us
the impossible sheet on purpose?

Yes. She manipulates you into
needing her week after week.

What are you talking about?

She made up a medical condition

so she could have a
sleepover with you in your dorm

on your first night of college.

Well, that certainly
is an example.

Well, it ends today!

Mom will no longer control
me with her mommery.

Yeah! Let's stick it to her
by learning the life skills

that we should've
learned as small children.

I'm scared, but I'm in.

Take my hand, Father.
Leap with us into the unknown.

Thank you, and welcome.

Once in a generation, a
student project comes along

that not only triggers
an automatic A,

but launches an illustrious
filmmaking career.

Get to it, Rex Reed. I
got a whole bucket here.

ADAM: Enjoy.

The year was 1943,

and I was a prisoner of
war behind enemy lines.

As fate would have it,

the camp was guarded
by two bumbling fools

who I outsmarted
on a weekly basis.

If it wasn't for me,

Colonel Klink and his
surprisingly lovable sidekick,

Sergeant Schultz,
would have won the war!

(INAUDIBLE)

All right, Goldberg.
Stop the tape.

- Is this some kind of joke?
- I know what you're thinking.

It's too good.

This is not your
grandfather's war story.

You stole it from
Hogan's Heroes.

No! I've never even
seen that show.

This came straight
from my grandfather.

I demand an apology
and an A-plus!

More like an F and a week's
detention for being a liar!

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Did you just throw
my chalk back at me?

(SCOFFS) Wha...
You threw it to me.

I threw it back at you. It's a
game of catch! We have fun!

Principal's office. Now.

Way ahead of you.

ADULT ADAM: After turning
Pops' war stories into cinema,

only enemy in my
teacher's eyes was me.

Sorry. Doc is insisting

that your grandfather's
stories are all lies.

I will never believe that!

That's a year's detention,
you sassy bastard!

Okay! Everybody calm down.

Mr. Goldberg, you
know that plagiarism

is a very serious
academic crime.

I didn't plagiarize anything!

- Let's go to the tape, then, shall we?
- Let's.

- Please, Colonel Solomon!
- Please, Colonel Hogan!

- How else do we get the tank in?
- How else do we get the tank in?

- Tank?
- Tank?

So we can take it apart.

It's only until tomorrow,

and then he's gonna
take it off again...

- after he steals the tank...
- Oh?

- From the Panzer division...
- Oh?

And brings it here
into the barracks.

I see nothing!

I was not here!

I did not even get
up this morning...

Wow.

That is incriminating.

I guess we have to face facts.

Hogan stole that story
from my grandfather.

No, wait! Hogan
is my grandfather!

And I'm Granny from
The Beverly Hillbillies.

- Give it up!
- Never!

Pops is my best friend in the world,
and there's no way he'd lie to me.

- Yeah, I lied to you.
- Balls, man!

Big balls! I'm in real trouble
here! I could be expelled.

- Wait. That movie was for school?
- Yes.

I made a movie instead
of writing a term paper.

Why do they keep letting you make
movies instead of doing actual work?

It's a Quaker
school. It's very loose.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to get you in trouble.

I was just excited to
spend time together again.

- Now I feel terrible.
- Don't feel terrible.

Same thing happened
with Erica and Barry.

Everybody grows
up. Tell you what,

I'm gonna go talk to your
teacher and fix this mishegas.

He won't listen. He's a hard-ass

and a sniper with
a piece of chalk.

I can handle him.
I fought in the war.

Don't you mean you brought pants
to the boat that went to the war?

ADULT ADAM: As Pops
enlisted to fight for my grade,

my brother and sister had been
defeated by an enemy close to home.

Unbelievable!

The way that woman
fed us, cleaned our rooms,

loved us day and night...

She's been playing
us for suckers!

We should have seen the caring
and nurturing for what it was, a ruse!

Erica? Oh, my God! You're back!

Did you come all this
way to surprise me?

Oh, man!

- I mean, hey, you!
- I've missed you so much!

Same. But also, I am kind
of busy dealing with this thing.

- Can I help?
- Do you know how to do laundry?

Totally. There's this laundry
chute by my bedroom,

and I just put all
my dirty clothes in it.

And then a few days later,
boom, they're back in my drawer.

- You're useless to me.
- Yep.

Wait! Wait.

I know someone who's been
surviving on his own forever.

He can teach us for sure.

- Who?
- The wisest man I know.

Well, you've come to the
right efficiency apartment.

My perpetual single-tude has given
me an amazing array of domestic skills.

Make yourselves at home in my
living room/gym/sitting area/lanai.

Brisket? I made that in
my gentleman's Crock-Pot.

So tender! It falls
apart at fork's first touch.

Also, how long are
we gonna be here?

Dude, look at the
laundry basket!

Is that one of those
impossible-to-fold sheets

- Mom was tricking us with?
- You mean fitted?

I've danced with a few.

ERICA: They're perfect.

You folded them? How'd
you find the corners?

You don't find the
corners of the sheet.

The corners find you.

Teach us everything
you know, Coach.

Never surrender

Very well.

If you got the heart
and the will to win

and you have a basic understanding
of how to use a vacuum,

then your training in the
domestic arts begins now!

It's all from here.

And then you just
power through the seams.

Let your hips do the work.

- Ten-hut!
- What's all this now?

Name's Albert Solomon,

veteran of the Army
Quartermaster Corps.

I'm here to get my grandson
Adam a second chance.

Would you do that for a veteran?

Sir, while I appreciate
your service,

grades are non-negotiable.

I think you'll change that
policy when you hear me out.

Also, I don't remember
this jacket being so hot.

- Would you mind if I...
- Please, by all means.

That's better. Where was I?

You're here to defend Adam,
even though he plagiarized

the greatest show
in television history.

No. I... I told him those stories
so I could spend time with him.

Also, is this shirt
snug? It... It feels snug.

- It's incredibly snug.
- Would you mind if I...

Be my guest.

- Where was I again?
- You were saying

you misrepresented your
life as Hogan's Heroes

in order to impress
your grandchild.

- What's going on now?
- It's the helmet.

Damn strap is so
tight on my chin.

You served this country,
sir. Just get comfortable.

That's some sweet relief.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna stop all this.

I'm gonna let Adam
redo his project.

But just know, he has to
really impress me this time.

Thank you for showing
me the dignity that I deserve.

At ease.

ADULT ADAM: Pops'
mission was a success!

Meanwhile, Erica
had successfully

put some of her new
life skills to the test.

Morning, Mom.
Fresh-brewed coffee?

Yes, thanks, and what
the (BLEEP) is this?

We just whipped
up a little breakfast

of toast, bacon,
sausage, ham steak,

freshly squeezed juice,
and eggy in the hole.

I use a melon baller now.

Why would you
make eggy in the hole?

I'm the one who
makes eggy in the hole.

Not anymore. We
eggy our own holes now.

Your reign of eggy-ing
our holes is over, woman.

Dad told us all about your
little plan to make us need you,

but guess what,
we learned stuff.

We can egg any hole, ball
any melon, fold any sheet,

top or fitted.

Murray, how could you do this?

Make our children
responsible adults?

I don't know what got into me!

Face it. We know
basic life skills now.

Your days of manipulating
us into needing you are done.

Manipulating you?

I have never done
anything so awful.

You faked a pelvis injury

so I'd cook Thanksgiving
dinner with you.

You tricked us into filling up a
swear jar with enough money

so we could take a family
trip to Colonial Williamsburg.

You forged Mother's Day coupons
from us to get unlimited snuggles.

Okay! I do it every week!
What do you want from me?

- To be normal.
- You know I can't do that!

Well, you're gonna have to,

'cause after all these years
of tricking us into staying close,

all you've done
is drive us away.

They're right, Bevy,
and you know it.

Of course I know it.

They've just grown
up so fast, Murray.

I'm their mother. I've
given them everything!

And it is so hard to be reminded

that your time
with them is over.

It's not over. It's
just changing.

And you just got to figure
out a way to change with it.

I have returned
for my melon baller.

Good day to you.

Ouch.

ADULT ADAM: After
ripping off Hogan's Heroes,

Pops helped me
get one final shot

to save my butt and my grade.

Hey. I'm just gonna
skip the preamble

and show you what really happened
to my grandfather in the war.

It was October 8, 1942.

I signed up for basic training
and was shipped off to Alabama.

The heat was brutal,

and we lost a lot of
good men along the way.

I'm sorry, Al. I got to go.

Damn it, Boxy!
Don't you leave me!

I got no choice! I
tripped and hurt my foot.

No!

POPS: It was summer. Our
boat was headed for Florida

loaded with 1,000
crates of pants.

Problem was, no one knew
which were the small pants

and which were the large pants.

It was up to me to make sure

everyone got the
right size pants.

Sir! These pants
are too short, sir!

No!

We docked at dawn, and by
God, we delivered those pants,

which fit perfectly on
the bravest soldiers

this world has ever known.

ADAM: Turns out, heroes
come in all shapes and sizes.

I know Pops didn't storm
the beach at Normandy,

but he still put
his life on the line.

And that's why he's my hero.

DOC: Damn.

That got me.

My gramps was a cook on a Navy
barge that never left Hudson Bay.

So I don't fail?

Son, that was the best damn
term paper I've ever seen.

And I suggest you
keep making more.

ADULT ADAM: And
I did, thanks to Pops.

Turns out, every
once in a while,

we get so excited to
be around our family,

we lose sight of
doing what's right.

- Whatcha doing?
- You were right.

I'm always trying to

stop the kids from changing,
stop everything from changing.

But now I realize
that's impossible.

It's time for me to change, too.

So, the visit's over? I
mean, it just felt so fast.

Well, we have a few
minutes right now.

Let's make the most of it.

Kids, I need to talk
to you. Geoff, get out.

You know, I don't mind staying.

Sometimes, I kind of feel
like I'm part of the family. Okay.

Mom, don't even start. I get
enough lectures at school.

It's not a lecture.
It's an apology.

I've done a few
questionable things

- to keep you kids close to me.
- "A few"?

I've done a ton of
questionable things!

But no more.

You kids are
changing. There's...

There's no reason I can't, too.

It's time for an evolution,

a Bevolution.

- That sounds expensive.
- It will be.

But it's something I want
to do. What do you say?

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes,
the toughest decisions in life

end up giving us
the best results.

I say it's really awesome.

And I'm proud of you.

ADULT ADAM: And we come to appreciate
our family for who they really are,

and who they help us become.

Wow.

No more going home for
Mommy to do your laundry?

Nope. I'll just be
going home for her.

ADULT ADAM: And in the
end, it's not just the stories

we tell each other
that are important.

It's the people who tell them.

I ain't wastin' no more time

- Ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.

What do you want me to do?

- My name is Albert... Actor Albert...
- ADAM: Look at the camera.

Actor Albert S. Solomon.

ADAM: That's so
depressing. Say it nicer.

ADAM: Don't throw that!

My name is Albert S. Solomon.

I am 80...

ADAM: Oh, my God!

- Do you want me to lie to you?
- ADAM: No, no, no. That was good.

Up next, from the
Von Thurston estate

is this abstract expressionist
painting of unknown provenance.

The bidding starts at $5,000.

$30,000!

- AUCTIONEER: I have $30,000.
- Whoa! Pump the brakes, kiddo.

Don't worry. The whole
point is to force these dopes

to pay double for
this ridiculous art.

I have $30,000 going once.

I'm pretty sure that
guy raised his hand.

- No.
- No?

- You sure?
- I am sure.

- I have $30,000 going twice.
- Come on, people!

Look at that beautifully
rendered depiction

of despair or
joy or horses. I...

Who knows what it is,
but just buy it, people!

Sold to Mr. Skywalker
and his associate, Dr. Zaius.

Run, Adam. Run
and don't look back.