The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - MTV Spring Break - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the
eighties, there was no more

awesome rite of
passage than spring break.

Thanks to MTV's
infamous weeklong

coverage, every kid in
America wanted to be there.

Beastie boys!

MTV!

Spring break eighties!

I cannot believe I'm spending spring
break in sucky Jenkintown instead of on

a Fort Lauderdale beach
the way God intended.

I heard that the beer
flows like water down there.

Like, literally, you turn the
faucet on and boom! Beer!



That's 'cause all their water is
reserved for wet t-shirt contests.

The city of Fort Lauderdale actually
elected Spuds MacKenzie as their mayor!

America's favorite
party dog is their mayor?

How could we not be
in Florida right now?

Wait a minute, Florida.

That's it! Look!

Pops sent us a postcard from his
condo complex in Fort Lauderdale!

That's ground zero
for all the horniness!

Damn it, why
didn't I actually read

his card instead of automatically
throwing it in the garbage?

Look, Pops says his place has a
beach house and a pool with a bar!

We had MTV spring break under
our nose and didn't even know it.

- We gotta get there.
- True, but how?

- Question. Can you cry hysterically?
- Oh, for sure.



It's well-established I'm
an emotional time bomb.

Follow me.

I just miss Pops
so much that I can't

stop the sad water
dripping from my eye holes.

And now I'm crying
'cause you're crying.

I miss him, too, Bar.

Wait, this gives
me a fresh idea.

What if we went to visit him?

Please, Mom? Let me see
my grandpapa in Georgia?

- Florida, honey.
- Ugh, so swampy.

- Oh well, this is about Pops and not us.
- Well, then, it's decided.

Look out, world! The
Goldbergs are going to Florida!

ADULT ADAM: Oh, yes!

Erica and Barry's spring
break dreams were happening!

- Stop! Nobody speak.
- Oh, no, wait, here's Murray.

There's no way I
am paying for all you

morons to go gallivanting
around the sub-tropics.

You weren't even in the room.
How do you know what's going on?

I heard money being spent!

Well, there is one way this trip
could cost you a fraction of the price.

Well, that's what I wanna do. That
thing. Whatever her cheap idea is.

ADULT ADAM: And so Erica and
Barry scored the ultimate spring break,

one without parents.

Spring break is awesome!

I saw a girl wearing
a bikini on the plane!

It was unsanitary,
but she went for it.

We're not in Jenkintown
anymore, Goldbergs.

- Welcome to spring break.
- Woah!

"Female body inspector?"
Where do you train?

Wherever female bodies are.

See you fools on the beach. Really
hoping this year I get to make out

with a Beastie Boy.
Fingers crossed!

- This is gonna be so rad!
- The raddest!

Lucky for you, the
party has arrived!

ALL: (CHEERING)
Spring break! Spring break!

Spring break! Spring break!

ADULT ADAM: It was
spring break, 1980 something,

which typically meant
one thing in Jenkintown.

Damn cold front movin' in.

I meant to pull out the ol' compression
socks, keep that foot blood movin'.

Know what else is
good for the cold?

Mink, sable, fox,
fur in general.

ADULT ADAM: Yup, back
before we cared about tiny animals,

the fur coat was coveted
by every yenta in America.

What is this? What are
you jammin' in my face?

Just a luxurious coat that shows
off how much my husband loves me.

How many coats do ya need? I
got you that brown one with the hood.

That was eight years ago!

ADULT ADAM: And so, my
mom's quest for the coat began.

It started with the
subliminal messages.

Beverly deserves a fur coat
to show her how I feel and stuff.

(MURRAY SNORING)

ADULT ADAM: Soon, the hints got less
subtle and just became ugly demands.

For the love of God, just buy
me a stinkin' fur coat already!

Since when do
you want a fur coat?

I've been dropping hints and serving
extra meaty dishes for six months!

Well, you could've just asked. I
would've said no a long time ago.

You do know that Essie and
Ginny and Linda all have them, right?

- I don't know who those people are.
- They're my best friends.

You've had dinner with
them many times. But it's fine!

I don't need a warm luxury jacket. I'll
just go out in cold and freeze to death.

(EXHILARATING
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

- What's that?
- It's a fur coat!

I know. I bought it for you.

Oh, why did you buy it for me?

'Cause I wanted to show
you how I feel and stuff.

It's a fur coat!

It's a fur coat!

It's a fur coat! A fur coat!

A fur coat!

ADULT ADAM: In case it
wasn't clear, it was a fur coat.

It's a fur (BLEEP) coat!

Oh, I love you, I love you, I love
you, I love you, I love you, I love you!

ADULT ADAM: She loved the coat,
and she made sure everyone knew it.

Beverly, we're starting. Sure you
don't want to lose the top layer?

I'm fine. Thank you.

My husband bought me a fur
coat. He does very well for himself.

ADULT ADAM: It's safe to say the
coat paid off just as much for my dad.

There you go. Rib pot
pie with no peas or carrots.

It's just crust and
meat! Thank you!

Don't thank me. Thank minky.

"You're welcome.
I was a great gift!"

ADULT ADAM: And one
that could help me, too.

It is a great gift!

Even though it's
a sad, dead animal

whose spirit still
haunts that dead pelt.

- I'd like to borrow it.
- Boofaloo, I love you just as much as

this coat, but there's no way
I'm ever taking it off my body.

What if I told you there's a way
minky can be on national television

and discussed by consistent
working actor Jack Palance?

He's in all those westerns
and other stuff. Go on!

There's a new show called
Ripley's Believe It Or Not!

And I have a surefire
way to get on it,

but it all hinges on your
amazing, deeply upsetting coat.

Nothing would fill my friends with more
red-hot jealousy than coat being famous.

- So it's a yes?
- Not just yet.

I have terms. Giving
you my prized minky

is done only with the
understanding that

- I trust you as an adult.
- An adult? Wow. Big step.

Go make my coat a star, Schmoo.

So, we're saying Bigfoot was
spotted in suburban Philly?

That's the beauty of the show.
It's up to them to believe it or not.

Please, no one in their right mind would
ever buy sasquatch hangs near a Wawa.

(YELLS) Ah! Bigfoot
lives among us!

Balls!

I've angered it!

Balls!

ADULT ADAM: As my
mom's pelt was pelted,

Erica and Barry were
ready to hit spring break.

Welcome to the Manners
of Inverrary, kiddos.

My red-hot winter retreat.

This here's our beach club.

Yeah, where is the beach?

Thirty minutes, by
car, which I don't own.

'Cause I can't drive.

Tell your grandkids no splashing
or running or yelling or horseplay.

That's Itzel playing cribbage.

POPS: I'm handling it, Itzel!

Try to steer clear of Itzel.

(RETCHES)

Sorry, the cigar smog
makes me queasy.

Can we go to the pool?

ADULT ADAM: It was now clear they
weren't in the spring break seen on MTV.

This was the grandparent part of
Florida filled with the oldest of farts.

Here's a knish. It's all
they had at the snack bar.

A knish?

A fried dough pocket
filled with potatoes and oil.

I know what a knish is. It's the
last thing I wanna eat in the sun.

We have no choice!
Let's just sit and lay low...

We can't sit. This little
footrest is all I could find for us.

The old fart altacockers get up at
the crack of dawn to reserve chairs.

I'm not wakin' up at the
crack of dawn for a pool chair.

We have to, Barry. From now
on, we come here at five a.m.

And sit on a chaise in the
darkness until the day starts.

Screw that! I'll just
float all day in the pool.

No. Rafts and kick boards
are against the rules.

Same goes for
running, chicken fighting,

diving, and cannon-balling.

But that's my signature
entry into the water!

Hey, kiddo, we need to talk about
the rules if you wanna go swimming.

You gotta wear the
required bathing cap.

No, I'm not gonna wear
a required bathing cap.

You gotta wear the
required bathing cap.

- (YELLS) Look at all that hair, Albert!
- I'm handling it, Itzel!

That's all gonna end up in the filter if
she doesn't wear required bathing cap!

- Gotta wear the required bathing cap.
- BARRY: Let me help.

It's on fine!

Oh, you look great. Like a
beautiful, nonslip shower mat.

ADULT ADAM: Yup, the
once-promising trip to Florida

was looking like
a colossal bust.

And back home, my friends were
helping me to avoid getting busted.

This isn't working.

Oh, man! We gotta fix this or
my parents are gonna kill us!

- Oh, God. I'll go get Erica.
- She's in Florida on spring break.

Wait, my girlfriend went to MTV
spring break and didn't even tell me?

Sounds like trouble in paradise.

Dave Kim smells a door opening.

- What?
- I'm not gonna hide my feelings, bro.

I'm actively
rooting against you.

- What's that smell?
- Fire.

- Fire?
- Fire!

- There's fire on the coat!
- I see the fire, Dave Kim!

ADULT ADAM: With ninja-like
reflexes, I dealt with the blaze.

And in the process,
I killed minky.

I just destroyed the one thing
my mother loves more than me.

- What do I do?
- I'd blame Lucky.

Just say that she ripped it
to shreds and then burned it.

Just blame Geoff.

He's not gonna be around
much after the breakup.

Here's an even crazier idea.

I don't lie or blame anyone.

- But what other option is there?
- I tell the truth.

I don't understand
a word you're saying.

My mom gave me the coat
'cause she finally thinks I'm an adult.

So, I'll do the adult thing and just
apologize for this awful accident.

- Honesty.
- Huh.

Interesting.

It's so crazy it
just might work.

MURRAY: (YELLING) You have any
idea how much it cost to get a fur coat?

BEVERLY: You have broken the unbreakable
bond between a mother and child!

MURRAY: Five-hundred and seventy-eight
hours me working myself to the bone...

BEVERLY: I have failed as a
mother for raising such a careless...

They don't seem to
appreciate the honesty idea.

They will soon.

I just gotta take my lumps,
and then we'll all move on.

- They still mad?
- Very.

- No more TV or movies or Walkman or GI.
- Gone! Gone! Gone!

Or G.I. Jims.

Tell him things,
Bevy! She's telling you!

But I'm sure they'll start to
value my honesty any minute now.

BEVERLY: You never even liked minky!
MURRAY: You like making movies, right?

- All you ever saw was some poor...
- Well, I'll show you a movie!

BEVERLY: Dead animal
sewn together for my...

Oh, sweet God, this has to stop!

Excuse me?

I am the only child in history
who did the adult thing and took full

responsibility for my mistakes! I
get you're mad, but enough already!

Hey! We'll say when
we're done, big shot!

Don't you walk away
from your father!

You take one more
step, and it's over!

Murray! He took one more step!

Hey, mister, stop walking
or it's curtains for you!

- He's still walking, Bevy!
- Wrestle him to the ground.

Use your hips and
groin to pin him down.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Stop! He didn't
listen when I yelled.

That's my only move as a parent.

It's as if we lost
all our power.

We've lost all our power.

ADULT ADAM: As
my parents lost control,

Barry and Erica were tryin' to
steer spring break back on track.

Was that a hearty soup or what?

And a bottomless bowl!

Gotta love that
early bird dinner.

Oh, yeah. That soup
was so rich and beany.

Yeah. Also, this place sucks!

The fact that you
don't get it means

that this place is turning
you into one of them, man.

Stop. I'm the same party
pops you've always known!

- (TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
- If that's true, then take my hand.

Come with us, party pops.

Join us on the brown, sandy
beaches of Fort Lauderdale.

It'll be strange to bring our
grandfather to an inflatable dance club,

but we'll do it
together. As a family.

Why aren't you taking my hand?

I'm sorry, but no one's going to
some farkakte beach party at this hour!

- Then where are you going?
- To bed, and so should you.

It's 5:50. The
sun is right there.

This is just wrong!

Carla and Johnny
Atkins are partying

poolside with the Beastie Boys, and
we're stuck in this geriatric nightmare.

If Pops won't let us go to MTV spring
break, then we'll just have to bring

MTV spring break to us.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

- Time to get our hair wet.
- Hells yeah.

Let's break some rules.

- Marco!
- Polo!

Marco!

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- No!
- No!

- Sleep.
- Sleep.

We got a crime
in progress, officer.

I wanna go to sleep, but some
hooligans broke into the pool

and throwing a party.

How big of a party are
we talking about, sir?

If I had to guess?
Two-hundred kids.

On our way.

These damn punks are gonna
get what's coming to them.

Check it!

I just spent the last four hours

creating brand-new punishments
to remind Adam we're in charge.

"No video games,
no smiley pancakes,

"no pillow forts, no
acting in school musicals."

Strike that one. I can't deprive
the world of his brilliance.

You realize he's just gonna
say no again and walk out?

But why?

Barry and Erica never did that.

'Cause they were always
guilty as hell, and they knew it.

You're right.

Adam's my perfect little snuggle
monkey who told the truth,

and we just yelled for days.

Come on. All kids are the worst.

I guarantee Adam
is guilty of something.

So we just need to figure
out what he's hiding from us.

And then we bust him, and we make
him feel guilty and bad about himself!

- And then he listens to us again.
- I'm really excited about this plan.

It's a great plan, and
we're great parents.

We are great parents!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

There's nothing under his mattress,
not even an M80 or a switchblade.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Lock box.
Let's see what Adam's up to.

- That's not good.
- It doesn't matter.

All that matters is
what's in this box.

BEVERLY: There's a
note. I can't look. Read it.

Oh, that damn honest moron.

It's actually, uh, Father's
Day gift ideas. Now what?

Well, we do exactly
what Adam would.

Be adults and come clean.

- We were robbed!
- What?

Enough with the questions!
Can't you see your mom's a mess?

ADULT ADAM: As I was
caught in my parents' web of lies

a spring break rager was
cooking at Pop's place.

Another round of knishes
comin' up because that's what I do.

Look at me! My body's
on four different chaises

and I didn't even have to
use a towel to reserve 'em!

OFFICER DAN: Freeze!
Everyone down! Down!

Don't shoot! I'm all potential!

We got a call about an out-of-control
party! Where is everyone?

It's just me and no
one else. I swear.

(MICROWAVE DINGS)

We see you reachin' for the little
microwave handle. Come out now.

She's not comin'.
Send in the dogs.

(YELPS) No dogs! I'm
here. I'm coming out.

- What's in your hand? Drop it!
- A knish! It's just a knish!

Sweet mother of
mercy, I hate Florida!

ADULT ADAM: Yup, it's true. My siblings
were America's first knish bandits.

Meanwhile, I was facing
an actual crime scene.

Balls! Oh, God, oh, balls!

I can't believe we were robbed!

We really were. Those robbers
came in and robbed us real bad.

So they found all your jewelry?

No, no. They mostly just
focused on this room, but...

They broke all your toys and
your tiny Donkey Kong machine.

- But why?
- Adam, these are bad people.

Yes. Bad people.

There's no point in trying to
figure out why they did this.

(COINS JINGLING)

- They left my piggy bank.
- It's just loose change.

And Pops' coin collection?

I think they were just
tryin' to send a message.

And the message is, "Don't ask
anymore questions about this crime."

We gotta call the police.

No. If you call the police, they
said they'd come back and kill you.

- What?
- What?

- You talked to them?
- They left a note!

Where is it? That's evidence.

It was written in
blood on the wall!

I don't wanna live here anymore!

You don't need to be scared.

You are a sweet boy who wants to
buy batteries for Father for Father's Day.

Wait. How do you know I was
gonna buy batteries for Father's Day?

The robbers said so.

It was in their blood message
scrawled above your bed. So troubling.

- It was your mother's idea.
- My idea?

It was you. You guys
ransacked my room and broke my

tiny Donkey Kong machine
and then lied about it!

When I messed up, I
told the truth like an adult.

You'd think my parents
could do the same thing.

Exactly, we're the parents.

That means when we say you're
grounded, you don't walk out the door.

If anyone is grounded
here, it's you guys.

Now go to your room and
think about what you've done.

You think you can just go
around punishing us like...

I'm goin' to my room.

(YELLS) But not to think
about what I've done!

Go!

I can't believe this.

We were supposed to be having
the craziest week of our lives.

I know!

I was finally gonna live out my
number-one dream of riding a sea turtle.

You two are so lame.

How can anyone
not love spring break?

Please don't tell me that you
got to party with the Beastie Boys?

No. But I did barf on
Larry "Bud" Melman.

- Wow!
- Wow!

I stole a jet ski and
then I got chased

by the coast guard and then I
crashed the jet ski into a pier.

I'm lucky to be
alive. It was so funny.

- That is funny.
- So cool.

So what'd the po-po
snag you guys for?

(BARRY CHUCKLES)

You know, just, typical
spring break craziness, heh.

- We, um stole a... (MUMBLES) Knish.
- What'd you say?

- Can't hear you, bro. What?
- Enunciate!

We stole a knish, okay?

- Like, from a wet t-shirt contest?
- No!

Just a regular ol' knish
at a retirement home.

You stole from old people, dude?
That's not cool. My step-dad's old.

OFFICER DAN: Goldberg
and Goldberg, you're free to go.

- Pops, thank God!
- We're saved!

- You kiddos okay?
- No!

Some grumpy-ass altacocker
called the five-o on us.

Whoever ratted us out is the
lamest old fart of all the farts.

Or he's not a lame fart
at all. We don't know.

I bet you it was
that putz, Itzel.

It was for sure itzel!

It was me, okay?

Why are you protecting Itzel?

- I'm not! It was a mistake.
- What?

You called the police on
your own grandchildren?

The pops we know would hop the fence,
crank the music, steal all the knishes.

Yeah, dude. What
happened to that Pops?

I guess Pops moved to
Florida and you know what?

He likes it.

Sorry to be such
a disappointment.

Hey. Can we talk,
schmoopy-poops?

No, and don't call me that.

Look, everyone makes
mistakes. You ruined a fur coat.

We terrified you with a
deadly home invasion.

We're just not used to a kid
who's not a total lying moron.

Point is, we taught you to be a kind,
honest human, and you lived up to that.

I'm sorry we
couldn't do the same.

Well, you guys tried to ground
me and I refused to listen.

I'm sorry.

No more apologies. It
just makes me feel worse.

Here, Mama fixed
your Donkey King game.

Let's just move on.

BEVERLY: Woah!

What the hell is that?

(STUTTERS) Money. Just
normal, everyday money.

Where did you get all of this?

See... Lucky ate your wallet.

No, no, no! It was Ed McMahon!

He stopped by to tell me I'd won the
Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes

and gave me a big check,
but I asked for it all in singles.

No, no! Forget all that.

I'm a stockbroker.

No, wait! A CPA. No,
wait! A male exotic dancer.

Oh, God. I borrowed
it from Dad, okay?

I didn't lend you that money!

I may have grabbed
a dollar here and

there for the past two years to
save up for a DeLorean. You get it.

You know what? You're grounded.

- You're grounded till you go to college!
- You stole money from your father!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I am very disappointed in
your lies and deceit, mister!

Oh, thank god! He's
been robbing us blind!

Our little baby is a thief!

He's as bad as the other
morons! Maybe even worse!

Now we have all our power back and I
can go back to being a great mama again!

I can yell at him again! And
I'm gonna yell at him but good.

I know.

Hey! We woke up at 5:00 and
booked a shuffleboard court.

Who's ready to get hustled?

And I'm wearing a swim cap, so I don't
shed when we go non-splashy dip after.

Kiddo, you don't have to pretend
to like this place on my account.

Look, we're sorry for what we
said. You're not an altacocker.

Maybe I have slowed down a
bit, but I don't wanna hold you back.

Go to the beach, have
your MTV spring break.

It's not a spring
break without you.

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on. Take my hand.

No, I'll just get in the way.

Okay, so you eat dinner super early
and you called the swat team on our two

person knish party, but the Pops we
know will always be the life of the party.

I always like a good party.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's ride.

Woah!

- Pops, since when do you drive a Jag?
- I don't.

I just stole the keys from Itzel
when he was yelling at some kids.

Now, that's the Pops I know.

ADULT ADAM: And so, while
they were off breaking rules,

I was shocked to learn my
world had been put back together.

What the...

We used the money you took from
your dad's pants to fix your room.

But why? I stole all that
money from you guys.

Look, there are no real adults
here. Let's just call it even.

Are you sure you don't wanna use
the money towards another fur coat?

No coat warms me as much as you.

Also, a very angry
young lady threw

red paint on Linda Schwartz's coat
when they were out to dinner, so...

Totally get it.

ADULT ADAM: Truth is,

even when you slow down, you
can still be the life of the party.

And even though Erica and Barry
didn't actually meet the Spuds MacKenzie,

thanks to Pops, they still got
the MT spring break of a lifetime.

- No!
- No!

- Sleep!
- Sleep!

- 'til Brooklyn!
- 'til Brooklyn!

- No!
- No!

- Sleep!
- Sleep!

- 'til Brooklyn!
- 'til Brooklyn!

ERIC GOLDBERG:
So, the knish incident.

We had nothing to do in the evening,
so we went to the pool, clubhouse there.

We were playing music.

I was hungry, so I
put the potato knish

in the microwave, and while
the microwave was going, I heard,

"Police! Freeze!"

So I ducked underneath
the kitchen counter.

Five seconds later, the microwave dings,
and I hear the policeman outside say,

"Send in the dogs." So I
slowly raised my hand up.

And told them, "I'm right here."

You were almost in
jail because of a knish.

Because of a potato knish, yes.