The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Scrunchie Rule - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Who
can forget the gruff,

no-nonsense gym
teachers of the '80s?

They were true
athletic authorities

who demanded respect and
ruled our lives with an iron whistle,

none more than William
Penn Academy's Coach Mellor.

Well, aren't you a
tall glass of Gatorade?

Go get them, Ricky!

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- After a great deal of legal wrangling,

I am excited to introduce a
new unit, full-contact Red Rover.

(ALL GROAN)

Did I hear somebody
say "full-contact"?



ADULT ADAM: But like clockwork,
my smother would always save me

from the dangers of
physical movement.

I forced Principal Ball to give me
an advance copy of all your units,

and my baby is not
doing anything full contact.

It's all very embarrassing,
but so worth it.

ADULT ADAM: It sure was, till one
fateful day when everything changed.

Today, we will be climbing
the celebrated gym rope.

Fear not.

This inch and a half of blue
cushion will probably break your fall.

- Goldfarb, kick us off.
- Sorry, Coach.

My old lady likes to keep
all this on safe ground.

She'll be here in
three, two, one...

Mama!

Face it, Goldfarb,
she's a no-show.



Time to let the rope get
to know every part of you.

Thing is, my mom's
doing this whole Bevolution

to reinvent herself and kind of
dropped the ball on her schmoopie.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Move!

ADULT ADAM: For the
very first time, I was Momless

and had to face the
infamous rope on my own.

And like many gym scrubs
before me, I sucked real bad.

Coach believes in you, kiddo!

Dig down deep!

Failure is not... And
he's coming down!

(ALL GASP)

- I'm alive!
- Oh, no.

Coach, you okay?

Pain is just weakness
leaving the body.

Now, make room for me to acrobatically
leap to my feet like a jungle cat.

- Should I call Nurse Steve?
- No need! Just a tiny sprain!

It is not a tiny sprain!

I've ruptured my C2 vertebra.

As a result, I can no
longer aggressively sneeze

or use my full head
to properly whistle.

Man, I feel like this is kind
of partially my fault, Coach.

Oh, it is 100% your fault.

And as such, I will unfairly
put you on a dodgeball team

with a bunch of weak armed
scrubs so you get yours.

Game on! (BONES CRACKING) Ah!

Let me just grab
a couple ball...

(ALL GIGGLE)

Who did that?

Who laughed at me? Admit it!

I can't turn my head,
so I couldn't see.

You will not laugh at Coach!

You will respect
your sports leader...

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
March 21st, 1980-something,

the week my sister hit an
important college milestone,

growing to hate her roommate.

And the tipping point...

A box of chewy fruit snacks.

Have you seen my Shark Bites?

I've seen no Shark Bites.

Weird, because, um, when I went
to class, my Shark Bites were here.

And now, my Shark
Bites are gone!

Are you, like, suggesting
I ate your Shark Bites?

Oh, I'm saying you
ate my Shark Bites.

You owe me Shark Bites!

And you owe me half a Taco
Bell taco I left out last night!

- So, you admit it.
- Oh, I admit it. I ate them all.

And my tummy is super jacked up,
but it was worth it to even the score.

I will eat everything you own!

(SHRIEKS)

- Stop it! No! You can't have it!
- It has my name on it!

ADULT ADAM: Yup. Living on
top of each other finally got to them.

(PLAYING OFF-KEY)

- Really?
- It's for class, so suck it.

You know, I'm getting really tired of
how crazy passive aggressive you are!

Me? You purposely
didn't refill the ice tray.

I couldn't because
somebody made it all crusty

from the Jell-O shots
that she made in it.

I have no memory of that entire
night, so I win this argument.

- Did you?
- No!

My special ice tray!

ADULT ADAM: And things
went from bad to worse

when Erica came home
to a scrunchie on the door.

Back before
texting, this message

meant your roommate had
romantic company, so go away.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Um... Hello!
Scrunchie on the door.

Just open up. I'm exhausted.

Oh, I'd love to help you,
but I'm entertaining Hector.

- He plays the flute.
- I don't wanna know Hector facts.

I wanna sleep in my own bed.

I'm sorry, but it's
the scrunchie rule.

Go sleep in the common room
with the other loveless losers.

- Bye...
- Wait!

The only space in there is
next to the leaky microwave!

Then go home!

Bye...

ADULT ADAM: With no bed to
sleep in, that's just what my sister did.

Such bull crap.

I used to be best friends
with my roommate,

and now, we fight over who
left the cap off the toothpaste.

- It was you.
- Well, it was obviously me,

- but that's not the point.
- Okay, I think I may have the solution.

When I went to visit
my cousin at UCLA,

I found out that there's one
thing that overrules the scrunchie,

an out-of-town guest.

I mean, you can't make a
visitor sleep in the common room.

- That's just rude.
- And it's perfect.

All I need is an
out-of-town guest, and I win!

How about a foxy one who no
longer needs his asthma nebulizer

because he went through a yearlong
course of shots for dust mites?

That was supposed to
sound cooler than it did.

Gah!

- These CDs are impossible to open!
- Yes, Barry!

Come back to college
with me this weekend!

- Him?
- He's the awful answer to my problems.

You know how you always annoy
me on purpose and drive me crazy?

It is my greatest joy in
life, which reminds me...

- Hyah!
- Yes! You are the worst!

Can you channel that
hateful, abrasive energy

at my roommate
and drive her away?

Child's play, but my
skills don't come cheap.

See to it.

Sure, I'll get cracking
on this while you pack.

- Sucker!
- What about me?

I can be mildly
irritating sometimes.

Oh, well, if you wanna
help, you can open this

because it's impossible.

Okay, fine, but I'm not gonna
clean up the soda that Barry spilled.

I'm just gonna blot it, okay?

Just in case anyone
slips and hurts themselves.

I'm off to Dave Kim's.

He just got Super
Mario Brothers 3,

so chances are I'm
coming home Sunday night

with some wicked Nintendo thumb.

Enjoy your Italian
game, schmoopaloo.

Ooh, Mom, could you do me a solid
and whip up some of your lemon loaf?

- Check your backpack.
- No!

A fresh one for Coach Mellor.

He got hurt pretty bad,
and it's sorta my fault

because I fell off a rope,

which is sorta your fault,
because you didn't bail me out.

That's on me. I was just
trying to improve my life

by reading a book on boundaries.

Did you know I
love you too much?

Does this goodbye feel
too long to you guys, too?

Well, enjoy the house
all to yourselves.

You know, he's right.

All my squishy-tushes
are gone for the weekend.

Listen to that.
What do you hear?

Just your loud breathing.

You know, it weirdly
sounds both wet and dry.

Exactly. No kids to ask me for
money or touch the thermostat.

No one to feed or clothe
or tickle their backs to sleep.

Which is a good thing. It's why
you got the whole Bevformation.

Bevolution.

And you're right.

I need to accept the fact that soon,
I will have no one to take care of.

Look at me. I promise.

When our kids leave, I
will never, ever wash a dish.

That's my gift to you.

ADULT ADAM: With
little prospects at home,

my mom decided the best prospect
for mothering was elsewhere.

Oh, hi.

Welcome to Mellor Manor.

Heard you weren't feeling great,
so I whipped up a healing lemon loaf.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

I can't wait to mash that up
and drink it through a straw.

Where are my manners?

- Do you want some coffee and cheese?
- Oh, my God, Rick, are you okay?

I'm tip-top!

Aside from the fact that
I gotta sleep standing up

and I can't take this shirt off.

Isn't there someone
who can take care of you?

I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.

Aside from washing,
eating, and...

Opening damn cheese!

You are coming home with me.

- I could never intrude like that.
- Oh, intrude away.

My house is empty and
lifeless this weekend.

- It's no bother.
- You think you could pack a bag for me?

I have limited range of motion.

Also, I'm so scared to be alone.

I can't tell you how badly I
needed to hear that just now.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
found a replacement for her children,

my sister found the solution
to get back at her roommate.

Hey, bad news.

Me and Hector saw Roadhouse,

so it's for sure another scrunchie
night, because, you know, Swayze.

Save it for your hair, because I
have my own guest from out of town.

That's me!

Ooh!

Hey! My super-cute outfit!

Sorry. I need a place for my
Drakkar Noir line of shampoos,

soaps, shaving
creams, and of course,

- cologne.
- Oh, no.

It smells like the boys'
cabin at Camp Ramah

before the Shabbat social!

I guess the bad news is for you,

because he's staying the whole
weekend, which means you go.

I'll grab the rest of your colognes
and ninja weaponry from the car.

Ugh! How did you live
with your sister for so long?

I was a baby for the first part,
so I don't remember anything.

But once I was able to
form memories, it got awful.

- So, I get it.
- She used to be so cool.

- And now, she's...
- Not cool!

- Totally. She, like, sucks.
- Sucks.

What?

Did we just finish
each other's sentences?

Sentences? Wow.

We did it again!

Your Drakkar suddenly
smells good to me.

My sweat activates it.

Awesome.

(KNOCKING LOUDLY)

- What's up?
- Open up!

Can't. Your roomie has company.

- You?
- Me.

- Ew!
- Yeah.

Erica, you cannot scrunchie
my disgusting out-of-town guest!

That is against the rules!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

And turn off that sexy mix-tape!
Geoff made me that tape!

Not to mention... Ew!

ADULT ADAM: Meanwhile, my mom
was making Coach feel right at home.

Holy cheesy seafood!

Your shrimp parm is the
Super Bowl of all meals.

Easy, sweetie. You're getting
sauce all over your white shirt.

Here, put on this clean one.

Oh, it's still warm
from the dryer!

Finish up because I got
Push Pops for dessert.

Push Pops? Score! Ow. I'm okay.

- Hey, Bevy! Hey, Bar.
- Hey, Mr. G.

This isn't our moron. This is a
grown man with a neck brace.

- Good eye.
- Literally, the first weekend

that our kids are gone,
you're already replacing them?

Please. I'm not trying
to replace anybody.

He's eating all my food and
wearing Barry's dumb orange shirt.

- Your face is dumb.
- What?

- Nothing.
- Don't listen to him.

Why don't you run
upstairs to your room,

and I'll bring you your
Push Pop later, okay?

Cherry. Don't forget.

Bevy, this is insane.
What are you doing?

Oh, stop. I'm just
helping a coach in need.

I changed my mind. I want grape.

- Where are you going?
- To fix this!

Yeah, well, no, you know
what? I want strawberry.

No! Wait. I don't know.

Surprise me. But
anything but orange.

ADULT ADAM: With Coach
Mellor living under our roof,

my mom was excited
to be smothering again.

Hope you're hungry
for some noodle kugel

and a smoked fish medley.

No dinner for Coach. I
got a mutiny below deck.

Did you make today? Did you
make poo-poos? Any poo-poos?

'Cause that's poison
in the body, you know.

- I suppose Coach could use some prunes.
- Mmm.

Great news! I solved
everything! You're welcome.

ADULT ADAM: Oh,
yes, my dad went big.

He brought in Coach Rick's
massive older brother, Coach Nick.

Wait. This is your
big idea, Murray?

You try to fix things by
calling his actual family?

Right, I'm the crazy one.

Look, the last thing I need is
for my brother to take care of me.

You wouldn't say that
if you tried my soup!

Boys, stop. I see
what's happening here.

Coach Rick has a hurt neck,

but Coach Nick's heart
is in a lot more pain.

Whatever. Doesn't matter.

No, in this house,
our feelings matter.

I feel they both should go.

(SHUSHES) Talk to your little
brother, Coach Nick. Use your words.

When you didn't ask for
my help, it made me sad.

'Cause, you know, my love
for you is as big as my pecs.

That's, like, the biggest
love a man can have.

Well, that's gotta make
you feel special, Coach Rick.

Maybe special enough
to share your feelings?

Well,

it's like my neck is so jacked
up, I can't even blow my whistle.

Bro, you never been
so real with me before.

I guess it's my turn
to get even realer.

- I don't have a home.
- Oh, boy.

Kathleen kicked me out

because I didn't notice
she changed her hair.

My God, Coach Nick,
where have you been staying?

At the gym.

I sleep on the weight bench
and use a kettle bell as a pillow.

You can stay with me in my
junior single condo, brother.

With one tiny bed?

No, no. You're both
staying here for the weekend.

- I won't take no for an answer.
- Oh, boy.

Rick, why don't you show
Nick where Erica's room is?

She has a keyboard.
It's awesome.

- I can play Axel Foley's theme!
- Ah!

Hey, no running, boys.

You do realize that you're replacing
our children with grown men?

Stop. They're simply
sleeping in their rooms,

wearing their clothes,
and playing with their toys.

Now, if ya don't mind,

I need to get some prunes
into our son's gym coach.

ADULT ADAM: Even though my dad failed
at getting rid of his unwanted guests,

Erica had a plan
to get rid of hers.

- What the hell?
- Bup-bup!

Ninety-eight, ninety-nine...

First of all... (GAGS)

Second of all, I hope you'll
enjoy brushing her greasy mane

in the common room because
that's where you both will be tonight.

I don't think so.

Your brother is now
my out of-town guest,

and he's not going anywhere.

Oh, well, that's a shame because
I called in a new out-of-town guest.

- Barry?
- Lainey-love!

- Who is she?
- Who are you?

Lainey, my sucky roommate.

Sucky roommate, this is my best friend,
who's also the love of Barry's life.

Was. Seems like he moved on.

Babe, she means nothing to me.

Hey, when I say "nothing,"
I meant everything.

- Don't even!
- My sister was right about you!

Hey, sis, got you a sweet comb.

Don't try to make
nice with me, traitor.

Lainey's my new out-of-town guest,
which means both of you, beat it.

So, I just sat on a
stinky bus for six hours

to be used like some pawn in
your battle with your roommate,

who's now apparently
your brother's new girlfriend?

And it's fun to get together.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

No? Not working?

You? No?

You? Last chance. Okay.

Dad! I got your message and
rode Dave Kim's sister's bike

the whole way here.

- What's the emergency?
- Go snuggle your mother.

- I thought this was serious.
- It is!

Your mom's in a bad place,

and the only thing
that'll snap her out of it

is her delicious little
snuggle monster.

- What?
- You'll always be your mother's baby.

Now go let her smell your head.

(SINGING) My brother's...

Damn it.

My name is Nick.

Hey, I'm not ready
to share this yet.

- Dad?
- Your mom's going through some stuff.

- What do we do?
- You know what to do.

(SIGHS)

Mama!

- I need you!
- Schmoopie! You're home!

I came home
because I missed you.

And I got scared.

Will you give me
sniffies on my head?

I am gonna sniff the
(BLEEP) out of your head!

Mama G! Good news, my
tummy's feeling way better.

- I made real good.
- That is fantastic!

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Can you guys pipe down a
bit? I'm working on my music!

What have I done?

(MICROWAVE BEEPING)

- Did I say you could use that?
- Sorry.

Just preparing a little something
for my out-of-town guest.

He may be peckish
from his travels.

- Geoff?
- Ah, there's my guest now!

Come, join me in the
kitchen for some heated water.

They're being real uppity
about sharing actual food.

You misplayed this
one, douche lord!

Geoff will clearly be
my out-of-town guest,

- which means all of you need to get out!
- No!

You had your chance to make
me your out-of-town guest,

but you chose Barry.
And then Lainey.

- Hey, Lainey. How you been?
- Not great. You?

- Pretty good.
- Well, then, since Geoff remains

my out-of-town guest,
all you ladies must leave

- unless Lainey wants to stay.
- I don't.

- Or Valley Erica?
- Nope.

Then it's settled! Me and Geoff
will stay in this room that's not ours.

Have a taste of the chef's
special. The secret's the heat.

No! I don't wanna
be your guest either!

You only asked me here to piss
off your sister for inviting your ex.

Fine! If you won't take my side,
then I'll call in someone who will!

ALL: JTP?

Uh... Bar? We just
drove three hours.

You said there was a
sick college rager going on.

Did I say "rager"?

Pretty sure I said "angry
standoff in a dorm room."

Dude, I missed my
nana's birthday for this.

Yeah, man. This is the worst
thing you and Geoff have ever done.

- What?
- I told them it was your idea.

You get it. Also seems like a good
time to say I still have feelings for you.

- It may be the worst time.
- Okay, Lainey's not on board.

What's he talking about?

He's talking about
overriding the scrunchie rule,

which is what I'm gonna do.

What the hell?

I was promised Neil Peart
from Rush would be here.

- Oh, look, there's Barry from school.
- Hi, it's Carla.

- That's Carla from school.
- Enough.

I'm telling the RA you're the worst
roommate on the planet and you gotta go.

Not if I tell him that you're
worser and you gotta go!

Srini, open up!

My roommate's a monster who
refuses to cap the toothpaste!

She ate my Shark Bites!

The world is her pantry!
So, if anyone's out, it's her.

Actually, you're both out.

Geoff, don't you
scrunchie that door!

I'm sorry, but you guys
have been best friends all year

and all of the
out-of-town guests agree

that you need to grow
up and work it out.

Best friends?

She's just some random girl
picked from a hat to live with me.

It's madness. Strangers shouldn't
be forced to sleep four feet apart!

Wow!

That's all I am to you,
some random stranger?

That's not what I meant.

No, I get it.

You win.

Take the stupid room.

ADULT ADAM: Realizing she had
swapped out her kids with coaches,

my mom knew it was
time to call the game.

Oh, hot damn!

Smells like Mama G's
cooking up a storm in here!

Well, I figured it would be nice
to send you off with full bellies.

Send us off? Did we
do something wrong?

It's my fault, huh? I
ate all your apples.

No, you've both been
very well-behaved

large and double-extra-large
house guests.

It's just that, at some point,
it's time to leave the nest.

It's so cruel and
lonely out there.

And you have pillows here.

My big brave boys
are ready to go.

I mean, look at
you, Rick, with your...

Being clean now, and,
uh, Nick with your...

- Music.
- You think?

I know! Now spread
your wings and fly!

Look out, world! Here
come the Mellor boys!

Now grab your snackies.

Oh, um, actually, you know,
neither one of us drove, so is it...

She said fly!

(SIGHS) So much
for the Bevolution.

It's the first weekend ever without
our kids, and I completely lost my mind.

Well, we still have a few
more years to ease into it.

And what am I gonna do
when they all leave for good?

Honestly, it's gonna
be awful for both of us.

Please.

For the last four years
all you've talked about is

how you want them all to leave so
you can have some peace and quiet.

Bevy, you know I hate change,

but it's easier for me to
say, "I want them out,"

than to admit I love
our crazy, loud family.

You're gonna miss them, huh?

Really helps to
know I'm not alone.

Oh.

Hey.

- Welcome to the common room.
- It's just for the night.

Housing is getting me a new
roommate this weekend, so...

Okay, this is crazy.
You can't move out.

It's not like we're friends.

I'm just some random girl
that got picked from a hat.

Look, college has been
way harder than I thought,

but you've been the only
thing that's made it easier.

I'm sorry I ate
your Shark Bites.

I'm sorry I stole your ice tray.

I'm sorry I played the
trumpet in your face.

I'm sorry that I lured half
my high school up here.

- I'm sorry I made up Hector.
- What?

He's so not real. I just,
like, needed you to go away.

That is brilliant and totally
something I would do!

Come on. Let's get our room
back from my out-of-town guests.

No way they're letting us
back in after what we pulled.

Well...

I think I have a way
to make it up to them.

(ALL SINGING ALONG) I just
want to use your love tonight

I don't want to lose
your love tonight

Thank God the one thing I learned at
college is how to throw a good party.

I gotta admit, that six-hour
bus ride was almost worth it.

I'm so sorry, Lainey.

It's okay. It was
so good to see you.

And Barry, too, kind of.

I heard that!

- She said it was kind of okay to see me!
- Cool.

This is kind of the
greatest night of my life!

(ALL CHEER)

ADULT ADAM: Turns
out, one little scrunchie

that was meant to keep my sister
away brought everyone together.

As for my parents, for the first time,
their future alone didn't seem so scary.

Murray, what's all this?

Adam went back to Dave Kim's,
so you're stuck with just me again.

In fact, the future
looked brighter than ever.

You made me dinner.

You said you weren't even
gonna wash the dishes.

People change.

Well, don't go
changing too much.

You don't have to worry.

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes,
fate can bring strangers together

in the most random of ways.

But suddenly,
everything falls into place

and that stranger
becomes family.

But no matter what the
universe has in store,

you can face even
the biggest of changes

when the people you love most

pull up a chair and
never leave your side.

Hi, I'm Rick Mellor.

Just to have your name mentioned
on the TV like that was kind of crazy.

I didn't believe it when people
first started telling me about it.

I don't miss a show now.

The worst part about the
whole thing, my neighbors think

I actually act like
that when I teach.

Think you guys are ready for the apex
of rubber-ball-based sports, dodgeball.

The next day at school, "Mr.
Mellor, can we play dodgeball?"

So we had them start playing
dodgeball again because of the show.

When you're a phys-ed
teacher, you do stuff like that.

You have fun with the kids.
You do stuff with the kids.

The kids accuse me
of breaking their ankles.

I never did that.