The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - Adam Spielberg - full transcript

Adam loves director Steven Spielberg so much and decides to film an original script he wrote about Indiana Jones and his passion for directing is called into question. Meanwhile, Murray and Barry make a bet about whether or not a cheesesteak sandwich in New Jersey is the best one ever.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I grew up at the movie theater.

There was nothing I loved more

than escaping into the
wonder of the big screen

The lights, the sound,
the snacks, it was magic.

What I loved more than
anything was seeing a new movie

from my all-time favorite
director, Steven Spielberg.

In fact, I didn't just want to see
his movies, I wanted to live them.

Stop playing with
your food, moron.

I'm not playing! It's
from Close Encounters.

There's your close
encounter. Now, eat!

ADULT ADAM: My favorite movie geek
hobby was re-creating all his classics.

- Yo.

ADULT ADAM: In this case, E.T.

Then one day, I came across
something so legendary,

it would take my Spielberg
obsession to the next level.

Psst. Nerd. Girl nerd.

- I got your hookup.
- Really? Let me see it.

- What the hell's happening?
- Shh. Be cool.

Johnny's my bootleg VHS dealer.

You name it, I'll get it.

ADULT ADAM: Back before
everything was on YouTube,

cult videos were passed
around like contraband,

and Johnny Atkins
had all the goods.

And the pièce de résistance...

ADULT ADAM: What I saw
next would change my life forever.

That year, two kids from
Jersey made a shot-for-shot

re-creation of
Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Turns out, there were other
Spielberg fanatics out there,

and their homemade masterpiece
made me feel like anything was possible!

I thought this was the stuff
of geek legend, but it's real.

Whoa. These guys are super-hot.

Your lady really has a
type. I feel sad for her.

Know what? If these kids can
remake Raiders in the basement,

maybe it's time I take the leap.

If my dream is to
become a Spielberg,

I gotta write and direct my
own original Indiana Jones story.

If you need a butt double for your
movie, you know where to find me.

ADULT ADAM: And so, I set off
to write my first actual movie script.

And to my surprise,
it was fun as hell!

Whatcha doing, boofaloo?

- Writing a script.
- Yay! (LAUGHS)

So, what's the name of
your big, fancy new movie?

Let's see.

Indiana Jones and the...


Glove of the Prime...
Mutant! That's it!

Indiana Jones and the Thunder
Glove of the Prime Mutant.

- It writes itself!

You looked around the room,
and you came up with a title!

March 7th, 1980-something...

And my dad and Pops were having
the most important Philadelphia debate,

who makes the best cheesesteak.

- It's Geno's!
- Come on, it's Pat's!

- It's Geno's!
- It's Pat's!

You're making
a fool of yourself.

Hey! What's all
the yelling about?

This old putz thinks Geno's makes
a better cheesesteak than Pat's.

Guys, relax.

Pat's and Geno's sell
the same, exact thing

right across the
street from each other.

They're both fine,
but not the best.

If you say Jim's Steaks,
you no longer have a home.

Jim's is down the block, Barry.
It's not even on cheesesteak row!

I'm not saying it's
Jim's, Pat's, or Geno's.

The best Philly cheesesteak
isn't even in Philadelphia.

ADULT ADAM: In Philly,
that was blasphemy.

What are you saying?
What's he saying, Murray?

- I don't know.
- It was early December.

I was on my way to watch the
Flyers play the Devils in New Jersey.

Stop! There's no cheesesteak
story that ends in Jersey.

But there is. I took the
wrong off-ramp and got lost.

As night fell, I grew
desperate and hungry.

And then, like a
cheesy beacon of hope,

I saw a lone sandwich
shop glowing in the darkness.

Stop. Just tell us the name
of the sandwich shop already.

That's the thing.

I was so overwhelmed by the
flavor, that I didn't get a chance

to look up from my poppy-seed
Kaiser roll to get a name.

Poppy-seed Kaiser
roll on a cheesesteak?

It can't be done!

Oh, they did it.

It was the poppiest of rolls,
combined with the whizziest of cheeses.

It was like eating the sweet
butt meat of an angel in...

Hey! I'm still talking! I didn't
finish my awesome true story!

Well, we know how it ends. With
you being a giant moron, you moron.

No! I hate it when
you call me a moron.

I only call you a moron 'cause
you act like a moron. So, it's on you.

Then it's my life mission to find
this Jersey oasis, and take you there.

And when you eat the greatest
steak sandwich of your life,

I will prove you wrong, and you
shall never call me a moron again!

And what happens when I
hate this imaginary sandwich?

Then I'll accept, once and
for all, that I'm truly a moron.

- No, you won't.
- Oh, I will.

In fact, if I'm wrong, I will legally
change my name to "Moron."

Okay, I'll take that deal.

My crusade for the
Hoagie Grail begins now.

ADULT ADAM: While my brother was
preparing for his cheese-steak quest,

I was prepping my shot
list to bring my script to life.

Look what I found
and immediately read.

My Indy script?
How'd you get this?

I hid it under my mattress
and sleeping body.

Well, you may not know this,
'cause you're a very deep sleeper,

but every night at
01:00 a.m. sharp,

I lead you to the
bathroom to make a pishy.

I did not know that.

Well, point is, I found it when I
moved your unconscious body,

and this, for sure,
will be our calling card.

I'm sorry. "Our"? To be clear,
I'm making this movie on my own.

Of course. I'll just be there
to watch and, also, help you.

You only wanna help
me for selfish reasons.

Me? Selfish? (SCOFFS)

- Me? Selfish?
- Selfish.

You only wanna help me,
so, if I become a real director,

you can say it's
all 'cause of you.

Well, that's the truth,
so, why wouldn't I say it?

Mom, someday, if I'm ever
in charge of a sound stage,

there is no way you're
setting foot anywhere near it.

You cannot deny my love and
support, Adam. Mark my words.

One day, I will make
everyone who works for you

very uncomfortable
with my intrusive energy.

And mark my words.
I'm doing this on my own.

In fact, I'm already in the process
of locking down my cast and crew.

ADULT ADAM: Okay, I exaggerated,

but this awesome flyer
was sure to lock them down!

And that's how movies are made.

But while I was looking for a crew,
Barry was in search of answers.

And that's how you
prove you're no moron.

ADULT ADAM: He said, making
the most moronic flyer of all time.

What's with the flyer, Goldberg?

I made this life-changing bet
with my dad, and I can't lose.

Blood feud with
your old man, huh?

I didn't talk to Coach
Senior for six years

until we finally
arm-wrestled it out.

He won. But I let him.

No, my thing's not weird.

I just have to legally
change my name to Moron

if I don't find the best
cheesesteak in Philly.

- But there's a catch.
- It's not in Philly.

- You know?
- Oh. Coach knows.

If you need answers, follow me.

ADULT ADAM: And with
those mysterious words,

Barry was one step
closer to the Hoagie Grail.

Wait. The answer's in the gym?

Not in the gym, Goldberg.

Under it.

ADULT ADAM: So, it wasn't exactly
the catacombs from Last Crusade,

but this dusty old storage room
held the answers Barry needed most.


Here. I believe that's exactly
what you're looking for.

This is the place! Such a regal
name for a glorious sandwich.

ADULT ADAM: Donkey's Place, a confusing
name for a cheese-steakery, but still...

The donkey is the most
noble of all work beasts.

Now, go. Show your
father who the real moron is.


In my hand, I hold a map
on the back of the menu

that leads to the world's
greatest meat sandwich.

We're going tonight. Don't argue!
Put on your pants, and move!

- Let's go.
- Whoa.

You got up so fast. I didn't
know that was possible.

It's a win-win for me.

You see, either you're right and I get
the greatest cheesesteak of all time,

or you're wrong, and I get the greatest
gift of all, you're a permanent moron!

Prepare to literally
eat those words.

To Donkey's in Camden!

Indiana Jones himself,

my brother suited up
for the ultimate crusade.

Just one problem, Barry
was behind the wheel.

This is a living nightmare.

- Should I take this exit?
- No, don't take this exit.

Blinkers on. I'm taking it.

I'm not lost! I'm positive
I'm not going the right way!

I have a good feeling
about this unpaved road.

I gotta pee.

- Hold it.
- I gotta go.

- Hold it.
- I gotta go, Dad.

Hey, pelicans!
We're near the ocean.

Just drive me in.

BARRY: Uh-oh. I left my wallet at home.
MURRAY: Of course, you did, moron!

Yo, bro. We heard about
your movie. JTP wants in.

Seriously? You want to be in it?

I was thinking more cameraman.

Naked Rob's tired of always
being objectified for his body.

Technically, you're the one
who gets naked, but, yes.

Can I be the prop guy?

You know, everyone's always
focused on the characters in a movie,

but I'm always, like, "Where'd
they get that salt shaker?"

And I can be your gaffer. That
way, I can find out what a gaffer is.

I guess I could do whatever
job a handsome, charismatic guy

with a camera-friendly
smile would do.

You tell me.

Actually, I'm looking
for my Indiana Jones.

Me? (GASPS) I never
would've thought of that.

Can I help build
sets for your movie?

I have over eight years of stage crew
experience. Please, please, please.

Yo, nerd. I hear you need a
snake for your badass movie.

I own six, so, count me
in as animal wrangler.

I'll do costumes 'cause stealing
clothes just for me has gotten old.

Wow. This is coming
together incredibly fast.

All because of one
little flyer. (CHUCKLES)

What flyer? No,
we read your script.

How'd you get my script?

Just read the first page! I
promise you'll fall in love!

Mom! No! Leave the
nice students alone!

I thought I was clear.
No Mom on this movie.

No, you said I
couldn't be on set,

which is why I'm here,
acting as your agent.

But don't worry. I'll take my 10%
in belly kisses. (IMITATES BABY)

No! I don't need an agent.

Food. What about food?
Let Mama do the catering.

You know I can make a lasagna
so dense, it can feed 62 people.

Fine! You can be
my craft-service lady,

but only 'cause a fed
crew is a happy crew.

But you're not to say
anything to anyone.

Oh, yay! We're making a movie!
I mean, you're making a movie.

I'm not making anything
except banana bread,

and 100 phone
calls to my friends.

ADULT ADAM: Like always,
my smother couldn't stay away.

But there was one family member
I happily welcomed on board.

- I want in on your movie.
- Seriously?

Geoff said it's a good script,

and that it's not just your
mouth-breathing loser friends helping.

It's also real people.

I can't believe it!

Composing for a minor motion picture
is gonna be huge for my music career.

So, what do you say?

Yes! I always knew one day we'd
collaborate on something amazing.

Okay, I don't take notes,
and I'll call you when I'm done.

And she's gone. Concerning.

- Don't be nervous, love bug.
- Not nervous.

This is everything you've
ever hoped and dreamed about.

Now, I'm nervous.

ADULT ADAM: It was the
first day of my big movie.

The sets were built. The
cameras were loaded.

And I couldn't wait
to call, "Action!"

Holy balls! Dan, this is unreal!
How'd you pull it off so fast?

I melded together
the old sets from

The King and I, Oklahoma,
and Damn Yankees.

Also, I have a lot of
spare time on my hands

'cause I struggle socially.

And you can see it in your work,
pal. Now, where's my actors?


Oh, wow!

You guys really look just
like the real characters.

Are those the security
tags from Benetton?


Excuse me. Trail mix? Apple
slices? Little cup of tuna?

No thanks, craft service.

Now, please stay in
your designated area.

As you wish, Director Goldberg.
Did you hear that, everybody?

This squishy tushy monster is
in charge of the whole enchilada.

Ignore the kooky food lady,
people! Now, let's make a picture!

- All right.
- ALL: Yeah!

ADULT ADAM: As my adventure began,
my brother's crusade had come to an end.

(GASPS) There it is!

a long, grueling journey,

but as Barry gazed
upon Donkey's,

shining like a delicious
beacon of hope,

he knew it would
all be worth it.

Nothing could stop him now.

Hey! Open up!

they got there too late.

Please, crusty old man!
Just one. One sandwich.

One. But choose wisely.

ADULT ADAM: It wasn't
an immortal Templar,

but the pressure was still on.

Mmm. Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

- That's the good stuff I remember.
- I gotta admit, not bad.

Ooh. It's got a
little heat to it.

Whoo. Coming on kinda strong.

It's fighting back pretty hard.

Oh, that's a spicy
punch to the mouth.

- The biting is relentless!

What the hell did
you put on this thing?

Something called
Donkey Kick Sauce.

- It was in the condiment section,

but sounded special,
so, I smeared it all over.

He chose poorly.

What the (BLEEP) is
wrong with that guy?

- No idea!
- Gimme the keys! We're going home.

Oh, no!

It's not like we lost the keys.
We know exactly where they are.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry and
my dad dealt with a spicy mess,

I was feeling cool
in the director's seat.

Or so I thought.


I made the boulder that's gonna roll
down these temple steps right for Indy.

Um, I think that should
be, like, 10 times as big.

That makes sense. Man,
you're super good at directing.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
directing is, like, really hard.

Okay, I'm back, and I nailed it.

Oh! So, you want, like, a big
one. Like, not a rock, but a boulder.

Okay, this one's
smaller, so, that's on me.

ADULT ADAM: And props
were the least of my problems.

Okay, time for the snake.
Where's my wrangler?

Bad news, bro. No snake.

- No snake?
- No snake.

- No snake.
- Snake got away.

- Snake got away?
- Snake's gone.

- Snake's gone?
- No snake.

- No snake.
- Don't worry.

He's super-fast and hungry.
He'll make himself known.

I'll just fix it in post.

ADULT ADAM: Then came
the problems with the actors.


Let's fight a boulder,
and karate chop a tank!

Matt, stop chugging Jolt Colas.

Can't! I could do
this all day, bro!

Yo, Adam, I think your Indy
clearly has a major sugar problem.

ADULT ADAM: Then, of course,
there were the technical difficulties.

No, no, no! Dude! You can't expose
any of the film to actual daylight!

So, what's the least
upsetting way of saying

we gotta reshoot
lots and lots of stuff?

It's fine. I'll just cut down on my
shot list and fix the rest in post.

ADULT ADAM: Thankfully,
my composer would rescue me.

Buckle up, movie makers.

Guess who just composed the
greatest movie score of all time.

Erica! It's my sister, Erica!

Oh, thank God you came
home from college to help me!

wasn't a movie score,

just a lame pop song

- to further her own career.

on, DJ, play that song

Let's party all night long

I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for your body

I'm Indiana
Jonesin' for your lips

You're tearing my heart
Right outta my chest

And now I'm Indiana
Jonesin' For that whip


Come on! Do the Indy!

And Indiana Jones whip Yeah!

It's fine. I'll fix it in post.
Let's just keep shooting.

All right, let's go!
Everybody out!

It's 07:00. Volleyball
team's gotta practice.

Coach, I can't just
lose my location.

How's about I shoot around you
guys, and then I'll fix it in post?

Shoot around them? They just
put up a net in front of the set.

Everyone, stop asking questions.
Too many things have changed.

My shot list is useless!

Uh... Help?

- Hey, you found my snake.
- Guys!

He's looking for
food. Just go limp, bro.

It's fine! I'll fix it in post.
Let's just keep shooting.

Adam, maybe you
should take five.

Sure! I've got nothing but time!

It's not like this whole thing
depends on what I decide every...

Ha! He's melting down!

Single second!


Help me!

Shake it off, Goldberg!


I'll fix it in post.

was in production hell,

Barry and my dad were stuck
at the worst place on Earth,

a Jersey bus station.

Looks good. That from Donkey's?

Oh, yeah, worth the trip for the
best cheesesteak on the planet.

Hear that? "Best on the
planet." That's proof that I'm right.

Truth is, Barry, I'm never
calling you a moron ever again.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm beginning to think after
today, that you're an actual moron.

And if you are an
actual, factual moron,

then to keep calling you
one is just plain mean.

No, I don't wanna not be
called a moron for that reason.

I wanna not be called a
moron 'cause I'm not a moron.

How about "Barry"? You like
"Barry"? Is "Barry" good for you?

That's even worse!

then it happened.

Barry saw his opportunity
to prove to our dad,

once and for all, that
he wasn't a moron.

That's it.

We are eating a Donkey
steak if it's the last thing I do!

Sit down, and do not mess
with that man's sandwich.

We'll just switch it with
our flaming hot one!

He's a giant. He'll
never notice the spicy.

That's not how spicy works.



Oh, crap!

Sir, please don't chase my son!
He's a moron! It's not his fault!

Ow! My cheesesteak-eating arm!

Please don't. I
have to win a bet!

ADULT ADAM: After my
disastrous day of filming,

I was truly left a broken man.

Fix it in post.
I'ma fix it in post!

Let me take a look.

ADULT ADAM: And so, I screened
the only usable footage I had...

This is why I got into showbiz.

Do you think any of
them noticed me gaffing?

That's a wrap,
weirdos! Outta my gym!

- Go, go, go!
- Come on, scram!

ADULT ADAM: It wasn't great.

Question. Just how
much can you fix in post?

Honestly, I don't care 'cause
I, like, suck at directing stuff.

Don't say that. You are
my little Stevie Spielboopie.

I'm not. I'm gonna be
painfully honest here.

I always said I wanted to direct,
but I didn't really know what it meant.

And now, I do, and I
hated every second.

But this is all you've
ever talked about.

If not this, what else
are you gonna be?

I guess nothing.

abandoned my first directing gig,

feeling hopeless and broken.

But not nearly as broken as
Barry's cheesesteak-eating arm.

- How's the arm?
- Broken. Like the rest of me.

So, you lost some
car keys. Who cares?

Fact is, I am a total moron,
and I deserve to be called one.

Do you know why I point out
your stupidity 20 times a day?

- 'Cause all I do is make stupid choices?
- For sure.

But you're also
a really smart kid.

And it's a father's
job to help make sure

his kids grow up to
make smart choices.

So, when you call me a moron, it's just
'cause you really want the best for me?

Something like that.

And under everything, it
just means, "I love you."

Don't push it, moron.

But, uh, yes. For sure.

ADULT ADAM: That day, the real
treasure my dad and brother found

wasn't a sandwich at all.

Admit it, it's the best, right?

You know what? Leaving
those keys behind,

may be the smartest
thing you've ever done.

You chose wisely.

What is his deal?

Where you going, schmoops?

Returning this camera,
'cause I'll never need it again.

No, I can't let you do that.

Mom, please don't
make this about you.

I'm not.

Adam, what you do with your
life is not my story, I know that now.

But I can't let you quit your
dream of being Spielberg.

You really should.

Come on. There must've been
some little part of this that was fun.

I guess when I was
by myself, writing.

- Well, that's a start.
- Just writing?

Adam, you may not be
a big star like Spielberg,

but I know you'll find your
way to shine just as bright.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,

when you let your loved ones
see you for who you really are,

that's where the
adventure truly begins.

Here we go, Dan.

You're an evil billionaire who
hustles pool for religious artifacts.

Do it with feeling and purpose.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, my
real quest was finding my calling.

It feels good to
just be the writer.

One might say, I
made that happen.

No! You did not make
anything happen! I mean it.

ADULT ADAM: And there was one
person who saw it in me the whole time.

But thanks, Mama.

Of course, schmoopy.

And, action!

Eight ball, corner pocket.


You're calling the eight ball?
Why, that's ludicrous, Indiana Jones!

Eight ball, corner pocket.


I watched all three Indy movies,

and now, I really know what
kind of song you're looking for.

- Erica, I'm not directing...
- Just give me another chance!

(SINGING) I'm Indiana
Jonesin' for that music

I'm Indiana Jonesin'
For those skeleton bones

I'll throw you the idol
You throw me your whip

I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for Indiana Jones

Yo, girl, it's Indy,
make some room

Wanna take you Back
to my Temple of Boom

Girl's so hot, that I say,
"Damn, you belong in a museum"

All around the map
from Paris to Prague

No, they named me after the dog

Drop you like you're
a German soldier

Run over you like
a big-ass boulder

Indiana Jones,
you can raid my ark

And, also, I'm afraid of snakes