The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - Hail Barry - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my brother discovered rap music

and he was immediately
obsessed. But he wasn't the only one.

Even pro sports
players got in on the mix.

And the most famous of all,

was the Chicago Bears'
Super Bowl Shuffle.

(RAPPING) I didn't come
here looking for trouble

I just came to do the
Super Bowl Shuffle

Look at this garbage. You're
cocky and overrated, Bears!

The team, and the animal!

You think I can't grab a
trout from a stream? I can!

They're the worst, and
so is their stupid shuffle.



We're not here
to start no trouble

We just came to do
the Super Bowl Shuffle

Super Bowl Shuffle

ADULT ADAM: And after the Bears,
a ton of NFL teams made rap videos.

Including our beloved
Philadelphia Eagles.

ALL: Quick six Wide receiver

They thought the name was a
joke But I made them all believers

See, that's how an NFL
team is supposed to rap.

The Eagles have a subtlety
the Bears can only dream about.

And yet, I still sense
opportunity for improvement.

What it needs is real stars.

Name's Big Tasty I bust a move

Also, my skin is
silky and smooth

I'm Naked Rob And
I make the tackle



I cover my receiver
like a wall with spackle

It's creamy Geoff Schwartz
Got hands with no match

Just throw me the ball
and I'll make the catch

Watch out, world
we're causing a kerfuffle

We rap our rhymes
and do the JTP Shuffle

Okay, stop. What is the
deal with these lyrics?

Who says "kerfuffle" and calls
out their own silky smooth skin?

- When you got it, flaunt it.
- It's true. It's almost buttery.

It's all very odd.

This is good. All
the best football raps

strike a delicate balance between
simple and awkward. Roll it!

Cut! Stop it right now.
Hand me that football.

You might as well be
holding a live grenade.

You know the rule.
My little schmoopie's

are too fragile and squishy
to play contact sports.

We're not even playing,
we're just singing and shuffling.

This is a gateway ball.

It starts with a
fun little shuffle,

and then you go out and break
your ankle, or shatter a pelvis.

I should be rolling at this.

We have plenty of safe,
fun balls for you to play with.

The funnest ball of all, beach.

You literally ruin everything.

Oh, you just need to
give it a try. Here, catch.

Okay, try again. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. All right. See,
it doesn't even hurt.

Okay, sports are fun.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
February 28, 1980-something...

The year of my mom's Bevolution,
where she tried new things.

Like, cutting my
hair with a vacuum.

Oh, balls! Do you
know what you're doing?

I feel like you don't
know what you're doing.

That's the beauty of the
Flowbee hair cutting system,

I don't have to
know what I'm doing.

I prefer the old system,

where we go to your salon
and Chantal washes my hair,

which feels way too good,

and I ask her to do it longer, but
then it gets weird and she stops.

- What the hell is this?
- I'm experimenting with my Flowbee.

It only takes two minutes
to go from drab to fab! Done.

That's it?

Chantal usually hands me
a mirror to look at the back,

and brushes the
hair off my neck.

Leaning in ever so
close to inspect her work.

Please go.

Bevy, what's with all this crap?

A Thighmaster, a
Veg-O-Matic, a Salad Shooter,

a Pocket Fisherman?

Our people don't fish, fish. We
buy fish, and then we schmear it.

Schmear? What
schmear? White fish? Lox?

This isn't about shopping.

Anything kippered?

It's about the Bevolution.

Isn't that about you finding
purpose outside of our moron kids?

And I found it. Come with me.

So, this QVC, it's a TV show.

It's a whole channel.

they invented at-home shopping
with their groundbreaking TV channel.

People can shop from their home
using just a phone and a credit card.

Who would do
something like that?

Yes, I'm calling about
the exciting shower radio.

Hang up my phone, Al!

But this amazing product allows
me to listen to music while I'm wet.

See, Murray, QVC is just regular
people like me selling big ideas.

We're living in the future.

Now I only bought that stuff as
research to figure out what I could sell.

You know what?
That's not a bad idea.

Oh, that is so typical.

Why would I ever expect
my own husband's support?

Did you hear what I
said? It's not a bad idea.

How can you stand there,
and mock the love of your life?

She's just trying to improve
herself, and this is how you act?

Okay, I get it. You're both not
used to me being supportive.

- Shame.
- I don't like this look on you, Mur.

Both of you, listen.

I'm sincerely saying that I
believe you can do this, Beverly.

You always have great ideas. You
never give up. You're made for this.

So, there's really no angle?

No angle, just love and support.

Why can't anyone accept
that I'm capable of this?

I accept it with all my heart.
Thank you for believing in me.

ADULT ADAM: And just like
that, QVC did the impossible.

Made my dad a
supportive husband.

And Barry was also doing the
impossible. Going against my mom.

Cunningham feeds
back, he looks left!

Boom! Refrigerator Perry
busts through the line!

Hey, over here! Mike
Quick is wide open!

I forgot my player's name!

- Cunningham heaves it!
- Yes!

The Ref indicates touchdown and
wonders if he'll get a chance to play.

- He won't! Good job, dude.
- Dude, Barry. Your arm is a cannon.

And that's a Nerf, which is way
harder to throw than a real football.

Wow, you know a
lot about science.

Uh, time to call it. Real
team needs the field.

Damn it. I wish my crazy
mom would let me play.

If she didn't hold me back,

I could've been a star
wide-receiver for the Eagles.

Forget your mom, just join
the team and don't tell her.

We're talking about
Beverly Goldberg!

Her only purpose is
to mix into our lives.

So, what I'm saying is, I will no
longer be able to mix into your lives,

because I'm going to
become a QVC mogul.

- What?
- I know.

I won't be around as
much to take care of you.

It's hard for me, too.

Then I should probably Chantal and
make a series of hair appointments.

When won't you be
around? I need specifics.

I guess, after school.

So, you'll have no
idea where I am,

or what I'm playing during
the hours of 3:00 to 5:00?

If my business takes off, I may
never be at your school again.

(CHUCKLES) I'm so sad right
now, I need to try on these cleats.

- Anyway, off to bed.
- Wait!

ADULT ADAM: Barry
thought he was busted.

But instead, my mom got a
business idea that fit like a glove.

Little static cling, there.

Bye, now.

ADULT ADAM: A glove that
would fulfill her QVC dreams.

Yep, like a mad genius struck
with a lightning bolt of vision,

my mom called inspiration
from every part of her life.

She snipped, sewed, measured,
and worked around the clock

to create the coolest jacket
the '80s had ever seen.

Or, so she thought.

- So, what do you think?
- Look, I don't know from fashion.

But if you say it's stylish, I'm
sure they'll sell like hot cakes.

See, the problem with jean
jackets is they're almost entirely jean.

But Bev-wear has fun,
flash, doilies and tic-tac-toe.

Those jackets are
gonna sell themselves.

I love the new,
supportive Murray.

Frankly, he is different than the
man I originally married, but he's great.

So, now, what? You
show this to QVC?

Yes, I already sent them
one, and I left 10 messages.

I find it very unprofessional that
they haven't called me back yet.

- Even after I threatened them.
- Their loss.

You know what we'll do?
We'll ship 'em off to Erica,

all her arts and college
friends, they'll flip for 'em.

Yes! We'll get the young taste
makers to create some buzz.

And then QVC'll come
knocking down our door!

You've got a business
plan, little lady.

ADULT ADAM: And just like
that, my parents were convinced

the jackets were gonna be a hit.

- These jackets straight-up suck, Dad.
- Stop. They do not.

Why would you encourage
Mom to start a fashion line?

The lady wears rainbow colored
sweaters with duck puns on them.

- They flatter her figure.
- Ew.

Look, this is important
to your mother.

She put her heart and soul
into making those jackets.

And that's very disturbing
because they look like

they were bought
from a craft fair in Hell.

I'm not asking for much here.

Now, go sell your mother's expensive,
homemade jackets to college kids.

Look, this is a
lost cause, okay?

You sent me a giant
box, and I only sold one.

And honestly, I wasn't
very ethical about it.

Okay, when I stumble
home from a frat party

at 4:00 in the morning, it is super
not cool to trick me into buying stuff.

I'm on a business call, roomie.

It was dark, and you
said this was Gucci.

Please just try
and sell a few more.

Okay, fine. But
just to be clear,

I have zero investment
in how this turns out.

- I want my money back.
- Honestly, the jacket says "sexy" to me.

Really? 'Cause to
me, it just says "jacket."

Oh, that's bad.

ADULT ADAM: Yep.
Bev-wear was nowhere,

but my brother's football
career was about to arrive.

Your prayers have been answered.

Big Tasty is finally
joining the football team.

We've been through this,
Goldberg. Your mommy won't allow it.

Well, my mommy's going through
a time-consuming midlife crisis,

so, now, I get to
chase my dream.

Our team could use some
of that Goldberg moxie.

- What are you playing these days?
- Oh, I play it all.

You'll probably have to
diagram some new plays

to take advantage of my
amazing skill set. May I?

Normally, I'd say no, but I
wanna see where this goes.

I call it the "Hail Barry."

In this play, I both throw and catch
the winning touchdown as time expires.

That literally cannot be done.

And yet, I've done it against my
brother, Adam, over seven times.

All right, let's hit the field,
and see what you got!

I'm unconscious! I'm unconscious!
I've been knocked unconscious!

Um, Coach, Goldberg
says he's unconscious

even though he's talking.

You okay, Goldberg?

Just a little
unconscious, Coach.

Hey, I just thought of something. Do
you have any of those Fig Newtons?

They always perk me back up.

Lot of athletes don't know this,
but the Newton is a power food.

Power food, Goldberg?
Man, get off the damn field.

- I'll handle this.
- Yeah.

We're handling it, Assistant Coach
Fast. Or should I just say "Assistant"?

Oh, hell no.

- Okay, walk away, Ike.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

All right. Starters, line up.

Let's move those chains.
Where do you want me, Coach?

The bench.

But if I'm on the bench, how
could I be your star player?

It's like this, Goldberg.

You know when you
gaze into the dark night sky,

and you see all those
shimmering stars?

I got a secret for
you. They're not alone.

There are a bunch of weak,
crappy stars right behind them

on God's great space bench.

Shining their dim,
pointless light. Think about it.

I thought about it, Coach. And I
don't wanna be on the space bench.

Please. I'm a star!

ADULT ADAM: And so, Barry
convinced Coach to give him one last shot.

(BARRY GRUNTS)

BARRY: I'm down!
I'm unconscious again!

ADULT ADAM: My brother
had officially been benched,

and he was not a
good sport about it.

Yo, wanna play some Tecmo Bowl?

No football for me. Coach said
I'm not good enough to start.

But football is your game. Did
you tell him about the Hail Barry?

Many times! It just seemed to annoy
him. Now, I'm stuck on the bench.

Know what I think?
Coach is testing you.

We're talking about sports,
nerd. What do you know?

I know sports movies.

And the Coach always benches
his star to test his leadership.

Oh, my God. I'm the
star of this real life movie.

It's the only logical
conclusion. What happens now?

You just need to prove to Coach
that you can unite your team

in a highly unconventional,
and cinematic way.

That leaves only one
clear option. A football rap.

Speaking as a guy who
knows nothing about sports,

this makes all the
sense in the world!

Time to blow off practice and write
some dope lyrics to bond my squad.

Sports!

ADULT ADAM: As Big Tasty
put together an uplifting song,

Bev-wear was falling
apart at the seams.

Look at that. You made
a fresh batch of jackets.

(SOBS) No, Mur.
Erica sent them back.

What the hell? She
sent 'em all back?

- Nobody wanted them!
- No, people want them.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

You're not a failure!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

I'm beyond positive. Those
kids aren't even your market.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

A Bev-wear customer
is a sophisticated adult.

Yeah, I'll even
sell 'em for you.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

ADULT ADAM: Selling
Bev-wear wasn't easy,

but if anyone could do it,
it was my salesman Dad.

Your total is $396.87,

and just for today,
with every sofa you buy,

you get this charming
jacket half-price!

- No.
- All right, 75% off.

Just the couch, please.

Hey, Mur. How does this jacket
work? The pockets are on the back.

Not now, Al! How about this?
Free. You bought the sofa, take it.

This jacket is very ugly.

Mur, just come over, and
unzip a pocket on my back.

I wanna put away these Chiclets.

All right, look.
Take the jacket!

You don't even have to
wear it. Put it on the snowman.

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

Hey! The sofa's free,
just take the jacket.

It's a bad jacket.

Bev can never know the truth.

We'll take 'em
to a thrift store,

and then tell her that
they sold like crazy.

It's a bad jacket.

I know that, Al.

(RAPPING) Big
tasty Wide receiver

I catch the ball like
a golden retriever

Unlike those dogs I
don't have bad hips

I fly down the field
For touchdown trips

Ruben Jr. Quarterback

I move so fast I
can't get sacked

I pass the ball through the air

Come see me play Pull up a chair

I'm Sergei Tarbokomous
I kick field goals

Am I nervous? Yeah, I suppose.

- Where the hell is everybody?
- (RAPPING CONTINUES)

SERGEI: The game
is over before it starts

ALL: Mellor's watching you

He's watching Yes, he's watching

Quakers fight on through
Quakers fight on through

They are really
gonna regret this.

If you don't you're gonna
make our coach angry!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Why the hell is my team
dancing with so little rhythm,

and not out on the
field doing drills?

Well, as team leader, I thought
we could use a little bonding.

I made it clear that
you ride the pine.

But my brother said you were
testing me like he saw in the movies.

This is real life, son. Where people
of your meager skill set don't play,

don't win, and don't get carried
off on somebody's shoulders.

Hey, ease up, Coach.

I don't need you to defend
me, Assistant Coach.

'Cause fact is, if I don't
play, no one else will.

Come on, fellas.
Let's get out of here.

Really? Not one of you?

Sorry, bro. We barely know you,
and this has all been really weird.

Fine! If this team doesn't want me,
then I don't want me on this team.

Oh, my goodness. I can't
believe I made all this money.

That's what happens when
you sell out all of your jackets.

- Aren't I right, Al?
- Right-a-roo, Captain Choo-Choo.

- What the hell you talking about?
- I hate lying.

Don't make me a part of this.

Hey! Who's the business
mogul with the wad of cash?

(LAUGHS) I am so fired up.

I gotta sew more stuff on
jackets right this minute.

No, no, no! Now's the time you relax
and you enjoy all your success. Right, Al?

Okey-dokey, Smokey Jokey.

- You okay, Dad?
- (SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

He is fine.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi, I'm from Jenkintown
Swap Thrift Store.

Is there a Murray Goldberg here?

I'm cracking, Murray. I'm out.

Yeah, I'm him. We got
a family thing going here.

Look, we always appreciate donations,
but we can't take these insane jackets.

- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
- There's just so many of 'em

and it quickly became clear that we
were gonna be stuck with them forever.

Yeah, that's a
lot of information.

We have a few crazy-bag ladies who
will literally take anything off our hands,

but in this case, the
jackets just agitated them.

No need to go on.

We then dumped them in
the alley, but all the street cats

instinctively
attacked the jackets.

Now, I gotta be rude!

So, nobody wanted the jackets?

- I'm sorry, Bev.
- Guess this money is yours.

No, it's for your business.
It's just a bump in the road.

Just keep it. And all
your loving support.

The jackets were a
failure, and so am I.

ADULT ADAM: Even though Barry
was making the Eagles crush the Patriots,

his real life football
career was done.

- Hey, don't you have a game tonight?
- No. Coach wasn't testing me.

He thinks I suck. I don't
know, maybe he's right.

ADULT ADAM: If I knew
anything about sports movies,

this was the moment our
hero got an inspiring pep talk

from the least likely of
places. On this day, it was me.

Well, if there's one thing I
know, it's that you can't just quit.

Dude, enough with
your dumb sports movies.

This isn't from a movie,
it's what I learned.

Even if I don't ever get a chance
to play, I can still help my team.

Like, how you filmed the
baseball games like a weird creep?

It's game film. It
helps them improve.

Or like when the basketball
rolls under the bleachers,

and you climb under to get it?

I fit in small spaces.

So, even though you're an
unbearable loser with no athletic ability

and everyone talks about
you behind your back,

you still find a way
to make a difference?

And you can, too. Also, what?

Thanks for inspiring me, loser!
Football team, here I come!

Thirty-one to nothing in the
first half. What a disgrace!

Coach, we're doing our best.

Save the excuses for Ruben
Amaro Sr., Ruben Amaro Jr.

I want somebody to step up,

and show them what
we're made of. Anyone?

Big Tasty. Wide receiver.

Dude, now's not the time.

I catch the ball like
a golden retriever.

- What's he doing?
- Unlike those dogs,

- I don't have bad hips.
- What are you doing?

I fly down the field
for touchdown trips.

Enough!

Mellor's watching
you He's watching

Ruben! I mean it!

Yes, he's watching And
the Quakers fight on through

This song is not catchy!

So, better play that D

Play, play, play!

If you don't you're gonna
make our coach angry

ALL: Yeah!

Now, let's kick
Germantown's ass!

ALL: Yeah!

Let's go, baby.

I'm glad you didn't quit, Goldberg.
It's a nice ending to your little movie.

Thanks, Coach. But you know
what would be an even better ending?

We're not doing the Hail Barry,
and you're still never playing.

Then you know where to find me.
I'll be on the bench, doing nothing!

Yes! Whoo! I don't
even need this!

What's going on here?

Just the end of Bev-wear.
And the whole stupid Bevolution.

The Beverly Goldberg I
know never quits, ever.

Well, there is a first
time for everything.

Let me tell you something.
Look, when I first met you,

when I was trying to
make something of myself,

I failed at
everything that I tried.

Well, I always
knew you'd make it.

Exactly. You never
stopped believing in me.

I'm giving you back
everything you gave me.

Murray...

So, you'll keep at it?

Like you said, Beverly
Goldberg never gives up.

Ever.

ADULT ADAM: With that, the
Bevolution was back on track.

And Barry was gonna help lead his
team, even if it was from the bench.

Look alive, team!
Let's go, Quakers!

Can you believe it, folks? I may
just be the sixth grade Latin teacher,

but I can safely say, this is
the comeback of a lifetime.

Yes! Touchdown! Watch for the
sack! Yes, yes, yes! Go, go, go!

Man, Barry rules that bench!

I can't take my eyes off of him!

Let's hear some noise, people!
The actual players need us.

Come on! Here we go!
Taz is open! Hail Mary!

He could go all the way!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

MR. MERYLL:
Touchdown! Quakers win!

In all my three weeks of
announcing high school football,

I have never seen
anything like this!

ADULT ADAM: My brother never
did become an NFL wide receiver,

but that day, all his sports
movie fantasies came true.

I'm a part of it. I'm
holding his heel!

ADULT ADAM: And as
fate would have it, one day,

Barry Goldberg would finally
get his chance to fly like an eagle.

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions

Of the world

Welcome to the
battle of the JTP.

We've got Philadelphia Eagles
Hall of Famer, Mike Quick,

playing automatic
QB for both sides.

Ready, set, go!

MR. MERYLL: Look at
the hands on Goldberg.

They say he could have
been a pro wide receiver

if his mother didn't
hold him back.

Schwartz sees
nothing but daylight.

Very fitting since he's one of
Philly's top ophthalmologists.

Damn it, Schwartz!

And, go!

MR. MERYLL: My God. It's
the Hail Barry. And it didn't work.

Because no one can pass to
themselves in an actual game.

- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- And Naked Rob has gone pants-less.

Ten, go!

MR. MERYLL: Quick
six. Drops back to pass.

Touchdown! Goldberg!

(BAND PLAYING)

On behalf of the entire
Eagles organization,

we'd like to present the
winners of the JTP Bowl.

Here are your winners,
the one and only JTP!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles!

This is the real Beverly
Goldberg. She has graced us today.

So, I snuck into Barry's room
and took one of his jean jackets.

And I decided I was going
to decorate them with things.

The hand was like a
Michael Jackson hand.

A pillow on the
back. Very punk rock.

It's very big because
it was Barry's jacket.

This thing weighs a
(BLEEP) thousand pounds.

And was, like,
super big and I...

Let's get the
shoulder pads in...

- Did you ever sell any of your...
- Not a one.

I had never sold one jacket.