The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Hooters - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Ah! Wood-shop class.

Back in the '80s, this
sawdust-covered danger zone

was a place where students
handled heavy-duty machinery

no kid should ever touch.

Whoa!

That almost hit me, dude!

I know! I should not be
around this equipment!

ADULT ADAM: No matter
what school you went to,

all shop teachers were cut
from the same piece of wood.

Ours was Mr. Crosby.

And, remember. Safety first.



There's no room for
tomfoolery, shenanigans,

or joyful horseplay
in this class.

And why is that?

ALL: (MONOTONOUSLY)
We'll cut off our finger.

And why do we
always measure twice?

ALL: (MONOTONOUSLY)
We'll cut off our finger.

And how do we
know this to be true?

ALL: (MONOTONOUSLY)
You cut off your finger.

That's right. I cut off
my finger. And this one!

This one, they sewed back
on, but it doesn't work right.

Finger rejected the host.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, wood
shop was grueling and difficult,

and only came naturally
to the select few.

Check it, Mom. I
made a spice rack.



Oh, my God,

I was literally just saying
this is exactly what I need.

Whoo-hoo! Look at you, saving us
money! We can put spices in that.

ADULT ADAM: Me,
on the other hand...

Hey, Mom, look what I made.
It's a doorstop or a bookend.

Oh! Look. Murray,
Adam made a thing.

Whoo-hoo! Look at you,
saving money on firewood!

That's what it is. A starter
log. I feel good about this.

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, I guess you
could say I didn't nail wood shop.

So, instead, I used the class
to hone my comedic skills.

All right. This is a butt joint.

See here?

You line up the studs, and
then you pound that butt joint

until it locks in
tight. Questions?

I got a question.

What's the best thing to
use to wipe your butt joint?

(ALL LAUGHING)

He took something
wholesome, like a butt joint,

and made it hilarious!

Since we're all in the
mood to have a laugh,

why don't you show the
class your midterm project?

You've got it, sir.

I call it "Really Big Jenga"!

(STUDENTS LAUGH)

That's just a bunch of two-by-fours
you sawed in half and stacked up.

You didn't even sand them.

Geez, if it's such a big
deal, I'll use this thingy

to sand the wood,
and then we can play.

Nobody's playing Really
Big Jenga, Mr. Hardeeharhar!

- Give me that wood.
- Oh! Balls!

- Whoa!
- (CRASHING)

Jenga.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
January 17th, 1980-something...

And my sister was going through
a true freshman rite of passage...

Becoming a pretentious snob.

God, it all has to go, Erica.
Poison, Madonna, New Kids?

How did I ever buy into all
of this top-40, MTV garbage?

I'm actually embarrassed
by who we were

before we took Music Deconstruction
101 with Professor Chang-Silverstein.

That class has, like, opened
my eyes. No, like, my ears.

No, like, my mind.

Well, get ready to have your mind blown,
because I asked Geoff to get us tickets

to the Avant Garde Music
Festival of New York City.

Stop, we are
actually going to see

Philip Glass and the
Tibetan Throat Singers live?

Plus, there's a rumor that Yoko Ono is
gonna scream onstage for a whole hour!

I'm gonna scream from the
audience for a whole hour!

I can't believe that our lame-ass
RA called us "poser freshmen

"who are going through
a pretentious phase."

These personas we just
discovered, like, last week,

are, like, who we are and are
gonna be for the rest of our lives.

Exactly. I'll never
return to who I was.

Oh! My baby's back!

Oh, how long were you
standing there, waiting?

So long. Come right in.

Would anyone like to sample
a flight of Hamburger Helpers?

Oh! We're not doing
processed foods anymore,

and especially not the kind
that have a spokesglove.

What's, like, the raddest sushi
place you have in Jenkintown?

You like fish?

Uh, well, we have a Long
John Silver's. No! Wait!

I've got Tuna Helper right here.

Geoff, crack open a can.

Hey, Erica, it's me,
your boyfriend, Geoff.

Oh, he's plating it all wrong.

I said, "Two heaping
scoops," Geoff.

Two!

Hey, babe, you get the tickets?

You know it. The
Hooters, third row.

Okay, why would we
go see The Hooters?

Um, because it's our
hometown's favorite band,

and also, you're, like,
the hugest fan ever.

Geoff, I specifically left a
message for you to get tickets

for the Avant Garde Festival.

Right, and I didn't
understand what that was,

so, I ignored it and
got third-row center.

I cannot miss
this festival, okay?

Yoko Ono is finally gonna
free herself from the shadow

of her husband's bubblegum band.

- You mean, the Beatles?
- You know what? It's fine.

I'll just do my own thing, and you
can take Barry to go see The Hooters.

At least let me buy you girls dessert.
Oh, there's a new wudder ice place.

Oh, man! Their
wudder ice is amazing!

Okay. What are you
people talking about?

- Wudder ice.
- Wudder ice.

- Wudder ice.
- What's "wudder"?

They're trying to say "water
ice." It's a local dessert.

Ew! Your food and
words are gross.

I say we drive straight
until we find some culture.

(CHUCKLING) The Hooters.

Did my daughter just say
"water" like she's from Delaware?

- I think she did.
- Oh! College was a mistake.

Huge.

Thank you for coming
down here, Mr. Goldberg.

It seems there's
been a serious mishap

- with some machinery?
- Damn right.

Why do you always wear
a tie in shop class, anyway?

It literally can get
caught in everything.

I dress nice for the wood
because I honor the wood.

I expect the same
from my students.

I get the boy can be a bit of
a smartass, but it's just wood.

I don't know why
you got to honor it.

- I'll tell you why, sir.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I lived in a suspended
bamboo cage for three years.

Oh, boy. Derek, while we
all thank you for your service,

I don't think we need to hear...

It was a simple design,
but sturdy as hell.

Naturally, I tried to saw
through it with a crude tool

I had fashioned from my
hair and some toenails.

Could we just stay on course...

But as time wore on, the
jungle madness took me.

I tried to summon a
monkey army to free me

from my elegant fortress.

Okay, just speed
through to the end.

I soon realized that I needed to
forgive the wood that encaged me.

Just, uh... (WHISTLES)

And when a monsoon
swept my captors into a river,

that cage became
a raft to freedom.

And so, I have dedicated my life

to the art of woodworking.

Okey-dokey.

I'm thinking maybe a week of
detention should do the trick.

- No. You're grounded for a month, too.
- What?

You got to get serious
with your schoolwork.

Because in the future,
jokes can't pay the bills.

Oh, yes, they can. Ask Sinbad.

I'm going to stop this.

Could we just agree no more
goofing around in shop class?

And you will personally
apologize to the wood.

You don't have to do that.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad
was rejecting my comedy,

Geoff was finding out Erica
had rejected our hometown.

Geoff? I thought you ended
up going to the concert.

No. Erica's doing her own thing.
Which is great. I totally get it.

Even though it's hurtful
and I don't get it at all.

Don't worry. Our girl's just
going through a little phase.

Is she?

'Cause it kind of feels like
Erica's outgrown The Hooters,

and cooked fish and attractive
clothing, and Philly's own wudder ice.

- She kind of...
- Kind of what? Say it.

I can't say it.

- Say it, Geoff.
- I don't wanna say it.

If you don't
say it, I'll say it.

- No, don't say it.
- Then say it.

Erica is a giant... (BLEEP)

- Whoa!
- What were you gonna say?

That college has made
her snobby and pretentious.

- That's what I meant!
- That's not what you said.

No! I'm so upset!

You made me say
it! Now I feel horrible!

Pull it together, Geoff!
If we don't do something,

Erica's gonna leave
Jenkintown behind

to experience the world, and
become an interesting person!

- But how do we stop it?
- You can't stop it.

Your only choice
is to become it.

Barry, no. That brie
wheel is for an entire party.

I can now handle the
richest of party cheeses

since I've become accustomed
to how the other half lives.

Now, pardon me, and
prepare to be amazed,

- as I drink this "water."
- (BOTH GASP)

He said it right. How, Barry?

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, Barry
had been obsessively studying

the ways of the wealthy, thanks
to one iconic '80s TV show.

Lifestyles of the
Rich and Famous?

Thanks to Robin Leach,

I now know everything there
is about class and wealth.

I study all the episodes
to prepare myself.

For what?

For when I'll be the Sixers
star player and team doctor,

which means, if I get injured,

I'll be able to perform
surgery on myself.

- I believe in you, cocoa tush!
- So, you really think that

Erica's like these fancy
people on this show?

She's seeing Yoko Ono
being weird and artsy.

She's fancy, all right.

Turn us into horrible
rich people, Barry.

- I'm in, too.
- Yay, no other options.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom and Geoff
were trying to break into the upper class,

I was just trying to
break out of my room.

Why are you doing out of your room?
You're grounded for being a moron!

I can't be in that
room anymore, man.

It's like a prison with all
my toys and video games.

That's what you get for telling bad
jokes instead of getting good grades.

It's not like I'm gonna use
anything I've learned in shop class.

Or math, or science, or history.

Sex ed cleared up
some rumors, but that's it.

Why do you only show interest
in the most ridiculous careers

that no Goldberg has
ever succeeded in?

Ridiculous? Give me one example.

Movie directing. Puppeteer.
Animation. Foley artist.

Arcade hustler. Sci-fi cartoonist.
Stage combat instructor. Stunt man.

And to top it all off, now you
want to include "comedy guy"?

Damn right. Laughter's
a real profession.

- And I'm all in.
- In what?

This house when you're 30?

I see you have your
doubts, so how about this?

If I make you laugh right now,

then you'll have to
fully embrace my destiny

as a professional funny man.

And what happens when I
don't laugh? Because I won't.

You can ground me
for the whole year.

This is a bad deal for you.

Oh, you're on.

Or as Hans and Franz would
say, "I'm gonna pump. You up."

Don't do this deal.

I don't want you hanging around
this house for a whole year.

Don't worry. I'm just
getting warmed up.

Or as James Brown would say,

"So hot! In the hot tub!" (GRUNTS)
"Yow! Too hot in the hot tub!"

This is why it's dangerous
to believe in yourself.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,

I gave him every comedic
weapon I had in my arsenal.

I started with some Pee-wee.

I know you are, but
what am I? Heh-heh-heh!

I did some classic movies.

I'll have what she's having.

Impressions...

Whoo! I found
out I'm color blind.

The diagnosis came
completely out of the purple!

Wacky wordplay...

We have clearance, Clarence.
Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Prop comedy...

Where did you get that
coconut? They're out of season.

Even puppetry!

High five? (HIGH-PITCHED)
"I can't! My mouth will break!"

This guy...

"S'all right."

Why did you make that deal? Why?

'Cause I'm a funny boy,

and I'm gonna be a funny big
boy who makes money from it.

That's truly the first
humorous thing that you've said

this whole conversation.

The problem isn't me.

It's my joyless grump of a dad
who has no sense of humor.

Enough with the comedy, moron!

You're gonna get a regular
job like everybody else!

- Like what?
- I don't know.

A police officer, a doctor, a
construction worker, an Indian chief.

You're just listing
the Village People!

You have more chance of
being in a disco supergroup

than you do from making
money telling jokes.

We'll see about that.

Ah!

- Too forced. Didn't buy it.
- I can do that again.

ADULT ADAM: My mom and
Geoff would do whatever it took

to get Erica back, even if it
meant listening to this fancy lad.

Ahoy, and welcome aboard.

On our journey to
riches and fame-awcity.

Hmm... I bet the
letters stand for stuff.

Oh, yes. It's called
a mammogram.

And we start with
"C", for Clothes.

From now on, you'll only wear
the finest fabric known to man.

Velvet, silk, all the leathers.

Okay, I guess we could
hit Filene's Basement,

see if there's anything
in the bargain bin.

Never! You now only
shop upstairs at Filene's,

where they have fancy
windows and you pay full price.

Full price? Can
that even be done?

ADULT ADAM: Oh! It could.
Next was "L", for Laughter.

The kind of condescending
cackle only reserved

for rich folks who know
they're better than you.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Wow, yeah. That was
incredibly dismissive and hurtful.

ADULT ADAM: Then came "A", for Accents,
which means you sound sophisticated,

and from anywhere but Philly.

Now, tell me what's in
this glass! Don't think! Go!

Water! Oh, my God! I'm learning!

And last, the double "S",
which stood for Snooty Sauce.

All you had to do was
learn how to ask for it.

BOTH: Pardon me, have
you got any Grey Poupon?

- No!
- BOTH: Pardon me.

Do you have any Grey Poupon?

- No.
- BOTH: Pardon me.

Do you have any Grey Poupon?

Oh, yes.

Your lesson in
"class" is complete.

Now, go out there and
make the world a worse place.

Look out, high society, a mom
and her daughter's boyfriend

are going to New York!

Yeah, is it weird that
we've been hanging out?

A little.

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff
and my mom were classing up,

I was discovering my
dad was down to laugh.

- (LAUGHS)
- What was that?

- What was what?
- You're actually laughing!

At 227? What is happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

Big Tasty's getting a
taste of the high life.

Please, I'm in the middle of a
very important discovery right now.

Do not butt in
with your insanity.

You know what's insane?
This delicious jar of caviar.

How the hell are
you paying for caviar?

No! This is not
about him right now!

I cashed in one of Nana's bonds
to get a little taste of Beverly Hills.

Oh, no!

- It's so salty!
- They're fish eggs, you moron.

Fish lay eggs?

(LAUGHS)

It's stuck under my
tongue! I need milk!

That one never disappoints!

Holy balls! First you laugh
at Jackée, then at Barry?

You literally laugh
at everyone but me!

- (CHUCKLES)
- Wait. I did it? Did I do it?

(LAUGHS) This show's hilarious!
They never leave the stoop!

My world was rocked. For
the first time, nothing was funny.

Now, I want everyone
to look at my stool.

This is a very loose stool.

(RATTLES)

See? I know it's just a stool
sample, but it's a real mess.

(LAUGHTER)

Thanks to my dad, my
dream of comedy died.

Meanwhile, Erica's avant-garde
music adventure had just begun.

It feels so liberating
to be here with, like,

like-minded people, you know?

Absolutely. I just can't
wait to sit down and...

Holy crap! Geoff
and my mom are here!

(GASPS)

Fancy seeing you here.

- So fancy.
- Indeed!

Okay, why are you
here and talking like that,

and dressed like
the cast of Dynasty?

What, you mean these
old new full-priced rags

from the real Filene's
above ground?

We stopped there
on the way here.

Pocket square?

No, I don't want a pocket square,
Geoff! Again, why are you here?

Yeah. Are you
guys, like, on a date?

On a date with culture.

I'm most excited for...

M'baku O'Shaughnessy and the
Afro Celtic Warbling Experience.

I read about this little musical
powwow in The New Yorker.

No, you didn't. I literally
told you I was coming here.

Did you, now? (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

What is that? Why
are you doing that?

Stop ho-ho-ing. You
sound like douchey Santas.

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Why are you doing it?

It seems like what you do.

Okay, I don't know what you
two are doing, but you need to go.

We're just trying to like what
you like, 'cause, you know,

you're a big snooty jerk now.

So I'm not allowed to go away
to college and change and grow,

like a normal person?

Look, of course we want
you to learn and grow.

We just don't want you
to grow away from us.

Well, none of this is helping
your case. Now, please leave.

Fine. Maybe I'll see
you back at home.

I know this isn't what
you want to hear right now,

but they're actually
kind of cute together.

Thanks for coming.

Mr. Crosby here insisted
we do this in person.

There was another
incident in shop class today.

Sounds like we could have
covered this in a phone call,

but I'm here, so go for it.

I was demonstrating
how to perform a mitre cut.

When I bent down to
retrieve some lumber,

I split my pants clean
down the middle.

Having lost my balance, I
reached out for the nearest item

to steady myself, which,
unfortunately, was an active band saw.

Now, while the blade did
not connect with any fingers,

it did shear off one
millimeter of this pinkie nub.

Thinking fast, I ripped my
already split pants wide open,

and used the fabric
as a tourniquet.

Now, bottomless and afraid,

I Donald Ducked about
the room in search of ice.

Thankfully, I had confiscated
a Slurpee from a student.

So, I plunged my hand directly
into the beverage to numb the pain.

As you can imagine,
I slipped on the mess,

toppling directly into my
star student Jonathan Atkins.

His body was pinned under
mine, rendering him immobile,

which was problematic,

as I had completely thrown
out my back upon impact.

The students
howled with laughter.

Once my shoulder dislocated,
I was able to free myself

and shimmy towards the door.

That's when my trick knee gave out,
and I rolled right into the belt sander,

which toppled
directly onto my groin.

Upon impact, I farted.

Real bad and real loud.

- I'm gonna stop you there.
- Really? There?

Yeah. What does any of
this have to do with Adam?

Today, there was one student that
did not laugh at my ballet of tragedy.

In fact, he was so composed,
he turned off that belt sander

moments before it
plunged onto my genitals.

- Your son.
- Really?

You must be very proud.

Stop right there.

- We need to talk.
- Why?

You heard the guy.
I'm his star student.

He was Donald Ducking!

If you don't laugh at a Donald
Ducking, then we got a big problem. Big.

You're the one who told me
I needed to focus on school

to get a normal job.
That's what I'm doing.

I just wanted you to
be a little more realistic.

You told me I'd never make it
in any form of entertainment...

Not even puppetry.

I think we both know
there's no money in puppets.

That's not the point!

I'm not good at sports, or science,
or math, or stupid woodworking!

But making people laugh was
the one thing I thought I could do.

- Adam...
- No, I get it now. You were right.

All I'll ever be is
just a Goldberg.

- ADULT ADAM: With my mom gone...
- (BAGPIPE PLAYING)

Erica could finally enjoy
her new, sophisticated music.

If you could call it that.

It says this piece
is about Nixon.

That was my first thought. It's
so very haunting and painful.

- True. It's so painful.
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)

I can feel the music banging in my
head, and rattling my teeth and gums.

(BANGING)

That's how you know it's good.

I really love how the bagpipes
blend horribly with the gonging

and the off-putting
bird noises...

And I just can't do
it! This is the worst!

- Shh!
- Quiet down.

This isn't the Hooters concert.

Yeah, 'cause God forbid we
listen to some catchy tunes

that you can sing and dance to.

God, when is this over?

We have, like, three hours left.

- Three hours?
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)

I ditched my boyfriend
and awesome band for this...

Avant-garbage? I got to go.

Hi. Excuse me.

Have you seen a young
man in a semi-silk jacket

with an older lady who looks
like a villain in a soap opera?

You're literally
describing everyone here.

They're gone.

- Erica?
- Oh, thank God you're still here.

Why are you missing the show?
The bagpipe solo's about to start.

Listen, I wanted to be more
than just a girl from Jenkintown.

The truth is, I love my
town, and all the things in it.

I live in Jenkintown.

Do you, now?

She's back. My normal,
beautiful baby is back.

- Mom!
- No.

You can't take it back.
You said you love us.

I really do. God help me.

Anyway, what do you say we head
back to Philly, and grab a wudder ice?

Actually, I have a better idea.

(SINGING) And we danced, like
a wave on the ocean, romanced

We were liars in
love and we danced

Swept away for a
moment by chance

ADULT ADAM: That night, Erica
learned that you don't have to give up

where you're from
in order to grow

into the kind of person
you always wanted to be.

Hey.

I rented Stripes. I know
how you love that movie.

I'm not feeling it.

Okay. There's something
you should know.

- You really are funny.
- Stop.

No, it's the truth. I just
didn't want to encourage you.

So you were just trying to
scare me away from it all?

I was, and I'm sorry.

Wow.

Never heard you
say "sorry" before.

Look, I always thought
I'd be the kind of dad

who would help guide
you with your career.

But all those things that you
love, they make me feel helpless.

- Why?
- I sell furniture, Adam.

I don't know anything about movies,
or comedy, or magic, or puppets.

Point is, I don't get any
of your crazy dreams.

I really don't.

But if that's what
you really want, I'm in.

That's... Thank you.

Just... Thank you.

Hey, Dad?

What do you call
a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
Here's a little tip...

Don't ever do
that joke in public.

Uh, what do you call
a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

- Do any of you like impressions?
- (CHEERS)

Damn. I got to learn
some impressions.

Okay, I got you the fancy
rich-people food you wanted.

- But I just don't think...
- This is my new way of living.

Bring me my first course.

- I present to you, pâté.
- Like a hamburger pâté? Yes!

No! Ugh!

It's like meat, but it's
smooth like peanut butter!

Come on. Let mama make you
a shrimp parm and a chili pot pie.

Yes! Let's cheese up some
shrimps and pie up some chili!