The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Dinner With The Goldbergs - full transcript

Erica warns Geoff about going to dinner with her family to celebrate her birthday, but he insists. Upon arrival, it's apparent this will be no ordinary dinner out: the family changes tables multiple times; Beverly sends her food back; Murray insists that Adam order off the children's menu; and Barry wants to change his order, but it's too late. By evening's end, Geoff hits his breaking point.

Restaurants of the '80s.

Back then, dining out with your
family was the highlight of the week.

Unless, of course, you
came from a loud family

with no sense of boundaries.

A family like mine.

I can't believe
you're really here.

So, you're not mad that I
surprised you at college?

I know you hate
that kind of thing.

Geoff, you being here
is the perfect gift. Really.

But you know what's
an even better gift

than just the two of us
celebrating your birthday?

ALL: Surprise!

Wait, it's your birthday?

You all told me we
were coming here

so I could be scouted by
the Washington Bullets!

Oh, my God! You
invited my whole family!

To dinner! In public. Why? How?

We all drove down together!

- Murray made me pump gas.
- And nobody rides for free.

Do you mind giving me
a sec with my special guy,

so that I can
thank him properly?

Hurry back! Our
table's almost ready.

Hi, can you grab our
menus? We're ready to sit.

I'm sorry, there's a few
parties ahead of you.

I'm hungry, Bevy.
What's the girl saying?

The girl's saying there's
people ahead of us,

but I'm just gonna noodge
her until she gives in.

It'll just be a few
more minutes, ma'am.

What do you mean
a few more minutes?

That table just sat down, and
they arrived five minutes after us.

Ma'am, I understand. But
there was a two top ready.

So, just because I decide to
build a life around my family,

- I'm suddenly to blame?
- I'm starving, Bevy.

Here's the thing.

My husband's blood sugar is in
freefall, we're on borrowed time.

- Bevy, I'm starving!
- Hear that, he's starving.

How could you? My
family, Geoff? My family?

Yeah? Am I missing
something here? It's just dinner.

At a restaurant? It's the worst
humiliation known to man.

Their most terrible qualities
are magnified by a thousand.

You don't even understand the
events that you've set into motion.

Leave right now, or
this relationship is over.

You're gonna break up with me
over a dinner at Beefsteak Charlie's?

No! You're gonna
break up with me!

You're never gonna want to stay
after the horrors you see tonight.

Bevy? This isn't good.
I'm getting shaky hungry.

If I don't eat soon, I'm
gonna have to lie down.

I'll get you a roll, Murray.

Ma, Dad's lying on people again!

All right, either get us a table, or
give this man a hot buttered roll.

- No pumpernickel.
- He says no pumpernickel!

BEVERLY: For the love
of God, no pumpernickel!

Geoff, look at me.
Whatever happens tonight,

I need you to know that I
love you with all of my heart.

I'm getting scared, Erica.
What's gonna happen?

I'll tell you what's
gonna happen.

Dinner with the Goldbergs.

dinner at a restaurant

begins with being
seated at a table.

But for my picky family,
no table was good enough.

Here we are, folks.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a
noodge, but this table is garbage.

I mean, look it's right
next to the kitchen.

No worries. Right this way.

ADULT ADAM: And so, this
embarrassing display always happened.

(SHIVERS) This one's right
under the air conditioner.

We want dinner, not pneumonia.

I can't eat here. There's
an echo. Do you hear it?

We can't do a booth, my
husband has a bad back.

He's got to sit in a
chair like a human being.

This is way too
close to the bathroom.

It has a wobble.

Hello? There's an echo.

This just has a bad vibe.

ADULT ADAM: Every meal with
the Goldbergs began the same.

First, my dad would ravenously
attack the bread basket.

Followed by this
classic mom response.

No, Murray! No!
One roll for you only.

The same goes for the rest of you. I
will not have you filling up on bread.

What's with your
mom and the rolls?

Her worst fear in life is
that we'll fill up on bread.

But she also can't let
anything go to waste.

So, that's where her
food purse comes in.

"Food" what now?

It's a bottomless
purse lined with foil.

Hi. We need some more rolls.

Oh, I'm not your
waiter, but I'll tell him.

Wait! It says free
refills. I'll have a Sprite.

Again, I'm not your waiter,

- but I'll let him know.
- MURRAY: Whoo-hoo!

This family now has a bottomless
soda. We're beating the system.

ADULT ADAM: Next, Barry would
have his traditional middle child meltdown

over the struggles
of being left-handed.

- Damn it, Geoff, stop!
- What?

You're mashing your
dominant hand into mine!

I can't eat like this!

Ignore him. Barry just acts like
a big baby because he's a lefty.

You don't know the
pain of the southpaw.

I feel like a left-handed prisoner
of war. Geoff, switch with me!

Enough. You're sitting
where you're sitting.

- Whoo! It's a cheddar biscuit.
- No, Murray, no!

now decision-making time.

And for my dad, the only
choice was how to save money.

Okay. It's time for
Murray's menu rules.

Remember, no prime
cuts, no fancy sides.

No out-of-season
vegetables. No market price.

No salad bar. No
items in French.

No dry aged anything.

And most importantly...

TOGETHER: No appetizers of any
kind 'cause that's how they screw you.

Does that include a nice soup?

Are you for real?
Is he for real?

You're gonna eat a little meal
before you eat a big meal?

How many meals do you need?

Dad, stop it. If Geoff
wants a cup of soup,

let him get a cup of soup!

I don't need the soup. I'm
sorry I even brought it up.

You know what, I don't trust
anyone. Hand me your spoons.

Murray, it's a special night. Let
the kids order whatever they want.

- Yes! I'm gonna get the Porterhouse.
- Everyone but you. Excuse me, waiter.

Yoo-hoo! Can we have a
children's menu for my baby?

Oh, again, I'm not your
waiter, but I'll let him know.

Mom! That menu is specifically
for kids eight and under.

I'm in high school now. No
one's gonna buy this act anymore.

Hey, moron. I'm not paying for
you to get a steak and eat three bites.

Daddy's right, you may be a big boy,
but you've still got a little-boy belly.

Here you go, buckaroo,
and here's a cup with a lid.

Thanks. I know it's an octopus but
I'm gonna connect the dots, anyway.

- I'm sorry.
- Stop apologizing. We're fine.

Fine? We haven't
even begun, Geoff.

- We haven't?
- Not at all.

Because after we sit, we order.

Waiter, we're ready to order.

Got ya. I mean, I'm not
your waiter, but I'll just take it.

- Great, my husband here will have...
- What's with you always ordering for me?

I know what you like.

And I don't? I'll order my
own damn meal, thank you.

I'll have the, uh...

ADULT ADAM: Whenever it came
time to order, my dad had this crazy glitch

where he would immediately
forget what he liked or wanted.

Ah, come back to me.

My grandfather also had
his own way of ordering.

Excuse me?

Befriending anyone
within a ten-table radius.

What's that golden hunk of
meat you're enjoying there?

It's a pork chop.

- Is it good?
- Very.

I'm not in the mood for treif.
What about your handsome friend?

What are you working with?
Is that some kind of pilaf?

It's wild rice.

You go, Adam. I get a feeling
these people have a story to tell.

I'll have the Li'l Wrangler
dog and apple sauce.

Sorry. Children's
menu is eight and under.

He is eight and under.

Yes, I'm this much.

All right, Wrangler dog it
is. And what can I get you?

then there was Barry.

Without fail, he'd always
order the wrong thing.

You know what? I think
I'm havin' a nice piece of fish.

No. Stop right there.
This is Beefsteak Charlie's.

Steak is in the name,
that means no fish.

- How's your steamed trout?
- It's not great.

- Heard ya loud and clear. Trout me.
- Dude, no. Don't do this.

Well, since you've
all been such jerks,

I won't be sharing my
delicious trout with any of you.

ADULT ADAM: And with
Barry's stubborn defiance

came my chance to
stage my own revolt.

Done! I was right.

It's an octopus with a lasso,
but my childhood ends here.

Garçon, bring me the
biggest steak you got.

No, Adam, no. Your tummy
can't handle that big-boy food,

it'll destroy your
insides and tushie.

I'm taking a stand.
I'm a grown-ass man,

and I demand my
big honkin' meats.

Fine. But if you don't
finish it, so help me God.

- Ready now, sir?
- I'll have the come back to me.

And what can... Sir?
Uh, how about you?

Hold on. I'm talking to Donald and
Vicki over here, about their potato.

Okay, you know
what? I will just go.

I will have the rib eye, and a
side of corn bread. Geoff, order.


(SOFTLY) Just, um,
some... Some soup.

- I'm sorry, what's that?
- Soup.

- I can't really get you.
- Soup.

Are you saying "snook"?

Soup. He'll have the soup,

French onion, a bowl
not a cup. Deal with it.

Are you trying to
ruin the entire night?

And, uh, what else
can I get for you?

No, that's, that's it,
just... Just the soup.

Decided yet?

I finally got it.

God damn it! Come back to me.

Okay, ma'am?

Okay, write this
down very carefully.

I would like the sirloin, medium plus,
with garlic butter sauce on the side.

I would like the
vegetable medley,

but instead of asparagus, I
would like six pieces of shrimp.

We don't substitute
shrimp for vegetables.


That changes everything.

- My God. Here we go.
- What's wrong now?

It takes my mom
10 minutes to order.

To her, the menu is
just a vague suggestion.

I would like the hanger
steak Pittsburgh style,

but instead of béarnaise
sauce, I would like crab cakes.

We also don't swap out
sauces for actual food.

Okay, got a whole lot of rules
that don't make any sense.

All right, here's
what we're gonna do.

I would like sirloin, medium plus,
with garlic butter sauce on the side.

Okay, let's start over.

I would like a baked potato
with sour cream and chives,

but extra sour
cream on the side.

I would like a petite
filet, a large petite filet,

red peppers, and
beans, and asparagus,

and cream spinach, and add
the horse radish on the side.

I'm not, like, starving,
so cut the potato in half,

and put half of it to go.

And all the mushrooms you have.

Perfect. You, sir, you look
like you're ready to order.

Please come back to me.

There's no one left. Just
pick your meat already.

Why don't I just come
back in a few minutes, and...

No, we're too far in.

He'll have the T-bone,
a little pink inside.

- Oh, yeah. That is what I like.
- All right.

I almost forgot, it's our
daughter, Erica's birthday today,

and I believe that means
we get a free piece of cake.

- Absolutely.
- Dad, stop.

- And by the way, it's his birthday, too.
- Me?

They're twins. They'll have
two free big pieces of cake.

Well, happy birthday
to both of you.

- I'm sorry.
- Baby, it's fine. Ow!

Hands off. You're twins.

- My kidney.
- I...

- Barry, stop elbowing.
- May I take your order?

- No, Marc, no. Just walk away.
- Stop elbowing.

You got a sweet Hawaiian roll.

No, Murray, no.

Hey, look at the size
of Garry's giant filet.

I just wanna drink this
soda like a human being.

Oh, God! It's so
cold, but I'm fine.

Waiter, refill on the soda.

And rolls, and sugar
packets and more rolls.

ADULT ADAM: It seemed
like dinner hit rock bottom,

but it was gonna get much worse.

ADULT ADAM: Geoff had gotten a
taste of dinner with the Goldbergs,

but the worst was yet to come.

God. I know exactly
what's gonna happen,

but it's still a nightmare
to live through.

You gotta calm down, okay?
Honestly, you're making it worse.

- Me? I'm the problem?
- It's just, you're so yelly.

Yeah. I'm trying to protect you.

I don't need protecting.
Just chill out a little.

Fine. From here on
out, you're on your own.

And believe me, the
worst is yet to come.

Hey, no salad bar. That
counts as an appetizer.

I tried, buddy. Good luck.

we ordered dinner,

came the hardest part of the meal
for my impatient family, waiting.

I cannot believe our food isn't
here. Must be some kind of a mistake.

Excuse me, I can't see
our waiter anywhere.

No, that's me, I'm your
waiter. Remember, "Marc"?

All the tables that ordered
after us already got their food.

First, we ordered. Then
that table, then them.

ADULT ADAM: Like all smothers, my
mom watched each table order like a hawk,

so she knew when it
was our turn to get served.

Then them, then them, and then
that big group over there with my dad.

They have names, Bevy.

This is Doug and Fran,
and Lee-Ann and little Bobby.

I'll check on it
right away, ma'am.

I'm getting shaky hungry.
I'm gonna have some rolls.

No, Murray, no. Do
not touch the rolls.

Oh, wait. Finally.
Here it comes.

ADULT ADAM: At long last,

our piping-hot dinner was
on its way to my family.

And we would feast upon
Beefsteak Charlie's finest meats.

And, still not our order.

What in the actual... (BLEEP)

That waiter just gave
them our food by mistake.

- Those bastards.
- We gotta get our food!

Wait, like go take it from them?

I want my fish.

I'm getting shaky hungry. I
can't wait. I gotta eat the rolls.

Don't touch the rolls.
Geoff, Barry, let's go.

Really? Get the food
from those poor people?

ADULT ADAM: Okay, you may
not believe what happened next,

but this is all true,
this happened.

Hi, hello. You have our food,

so, we're just going to
take that out of your way.

- Are you sure?
- Uh, yeah.

We ordered first,
and look at this.

That's medium plus,
that's what I ordered.

- That's rare. These are ours.
- Yeah.

Sorry about the mix-up.

Oh, boy. Everybody look away
'cause this is not gonna be pretty.

Damn it. I waited this whole time,
and they still don't have my dinner.

Waiter, excuse me. My
boy never got his river fish.

I'm not your waiter, and
where did this come from?

They took it from our table.

Ma'am, this is not your food.

Oh, no. Did we just touch and
steal food from those nice people?

Okay, here we go
every... Oh, boy.

ADULT ADAM: And that's
when our dinner really did arrive.

Uh, hi, hello. Over here.


So sorry about the mix-up,

you can just come
and take your food back.

No. You poked it.

Well, it was just a little poke.

I didn't poke anything.

But I did. I jammed my
thumb in there like a champ.

Many apologies, sir. We'll
rush out another order.

Where are you going with that?

- To throw it out.
- No, that's a waste.

Pack it up. We'll take it to go.

You want to take home
the meal that wasn't yours?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna
throw it in a big garbage bag.

Why don't you put it in a
little doggie bag? We'll take it.

Okay, now, he's
actively stealing.

Don't look at me.

I'm busy enjoying
the other table's fries.

Sure, it's no problem.
We'll wrap all of this.

ADULT ADAM: For my family, dining
out wasn't about the quality of the food,

it was about the quantity.

And it was best
expressed with one word.

The portions, huh?
(CHUCKLES) Such big portions!

The biggest portions in town.

Can you believe the portions?

I don't like my large portion.

This portion's not good.

My portion's, like, huge.

Why are there three baked
potatoes on here, too? It's madness.

Psst! I'll trade you this
fish for anything you got.

Dude, if I don't eat
this whole giant steak,

Mom's never gonna let me
order off the adult menu again.

What's going with you? Is
your little tummy full already?

Nope. Barry's just mad 'cause
I'm gonna finish this all on my own.

I told you not to get that fish.

Geoff. I'm your best friend, pour
half of your soup into my glass.

- Geoff, do not.
- I'm so hungry, please.

He knew better than to
order trout at a steak house.

Don't support his bad judgment.

Erica, please help me.

I wouldn't worry about it. Everything's
gonna be sent back, anyway.

What do you mean?

Oh, it's all going
back. You'll see.

I don't wanna see. Just
tell me what's gonna ha...

ADULT ADAM: We finally began
our meal, and it tasted damn fine.

But fine was not good enough for
my yenta mom, who always did this.

Excuse me, waiter.
My fries are ice-cold.

Hi, I kind of switched with Alex
'cause you keep ordering from him.

Feel them, ice-cold.

Also, I ordered the T-bone a little
pink inside, but it's way overdone.

I'll fix both of
yours right away.

Geoff, didn't you order a
bowl of soup? That's a cup.

No, I'm fine, totally fine.

It's not a problem. I'll take it
back and make sure it's right.

If things are getting sent back,

maybe I should get the petite filet
instead of this Longhorn Gutbuster?

Also, please take
back this stinky fish.

Oh, no. You got the
fish, you keep the fish.

You all get to send back for new meat,
and I'm stuck with this old soggy trout?

Do me a favor, uh,
wrap that up, we'll take it.

You want me to wrap
up the food you don't like?

What is it with this
restaurant and wasting food?

We'll also have a
refill on the soda.

And more rolls and straws
and Sweet'n Low and more rolls.

always, Barry hated his order.

As for the rest of us, we finally
stopped yelling and started eating.

At this point, my hungry dad
would go into a blissful food zone,

and then, this would happen.

- He'd choke.

Um, is your father okay?

He's fine. This is just what he
does when he gets in the zone.

- But he's choking.
- He'll power through it.

Doesn't seem like he will.

Trust us, there's plenty of
air going around the meat.

There's no air.

Look at him. This is
a full-on real choke.

No. Look, he's trying to put
mushrooms on his fork right now.

Why is he doing that? Why
does he continue to feed?

The man is dying!

What's with all the hubba?

I can't just sit here and
let him choke like this.

Against my better judgment,

I'm letting you know that this
is the happiest my dad gets.

Don't worry, Mr. G. I'm
a lifeguard at the JCC.

Arms up. Find the sternum.

Don't find the sternum!

Why are you touching
me? Don't touch me!

GEOFF: I'm trying
to save your life!

Why? Sit down.

ADULT ADAM: And with
that, the Goldbergs officially

broke the sweetest
boyfriend in the world.

Waiter. Over here.

No! This has never
been our waiter!

Look at his face. He's an
entirely different person.

Geoff. You're making a scene.

Oh, right. Because
the last thing we want

is some unwanted
negative attention.

This family should be barred from
any and all dining establishments.

I'm talkin' Beefsteak Charlie's,

China Garden, Applebee's,
even Tony Roma's!

I hear they make a
top-notch shrimp scampi.

Oh, my God. At a steak
place, you get steak!

And in a place for ribs, you
eat ribs with your dominant hand,

without complaining that the
world is prejudiced against you.

Burn. He got you good.

And, you. You know,
despite your age,

you still sound look like
and sound like a tiny boy,

so just order accordingly.

He's right, you barely
touched that steak.

And you. You turned your
purse into a mini fridge.

You took an hour to order,

then stole food from that
table, and then sent it back.

Hey! We're trying to enjoy
Devon's graduation dinner in peace.

And you!

That's just a nice family trying
to have a special meal together.

Leave them alone!

What's Captain
Soup going on about?

And you!

With your menu rules
and your communal soda,

and you're forcing
me to just eat soup?

You think I didn't want
steak? I chose this place!

I love their meats
and their sides,

and why do you keep eating through
everything I'm saying right now?

You know, you really are
ruining our good people's name

and you know what
I'm talking about.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, Erica and Geoff

Happy birthday to both of you!

ADULT ADAM: It was time
for the final stage of dinner,

the moment Beverly
ceased to be a mother,

and became the world's
greatest forensic accountant.

Well, it's a good thing I
travel with my calculator,

because we are being
aggressively overcharged.

Okay, the cake is free, double
check there's no cake on there.

- I'm gonna go outside.
- Waiter,

it says we're being
charged for a larger steak

when my son
switched to the petite.

And don't forget
one soda, make sure.

Also, you said you'd take
off for the icy cold fries.

Zero cake, one
soda, triple check.

All right, Murray, you're
just slowing me down.

All right, which one
of you is the waiter?

I'll tell you who
your waiter was.

- No, no, Alex, it's not worth it.
- You're right, you're right.


Look, I don't need
to hear "I told you so."

I just wanted to be
closer to your family,

but I made a mess of everything.

No. You didn't.

Look, I have to admit something.

I love you, but I never thought
that we could go the distance

because I didn't think
you could handle my family.

But... Man, the way you
stood up to them was awesome.

You're one of us, Geoff.

- You think?
- I know.

MURRAY: Bup-bup!

Remember, you guys are twins.

Keep the lie up until I
get my credit card back.

We're having a moment, Dad.

I need to have a moment with
Soupy Sales if you don't mind.

Don't worry. I'll be
very nice. I promise.

Look, before you say anything,

just let me apologize for,
you know, grabbing you,

and yelling at you and
suggesting that you're a thief.

What are you apologizing for?
That's what happens at all our dinners.

So, you're not mad?
Even about the soup?

The next time, you can
have soup and an entree.

Wow, that's... Really?

Just don't tell the others.

ADULT ADAM: That night,
Geoff did the impossible.

He survived dinner
with the Goldbergs.

But even better, he
gained my dad's respect.


Thank you for making sure
my schmoo had a great birthday.

It was a special night.

Yeah, I certainly
will never forget it.

And they're gone.

At least until they realize
they left Pops inside.

Wait, he's still in there, talking to
that couple that just got engaged?

For sure. So do you wanna
go get actual food now?

Yeah, all I had was soup,
and Barry stole half of it.

ADULT ADAM: In the end, this dinner
with the Goldbergs was like any other.

It was noisy, messy,
highly embarrassing,

but somehow, we
always left feeling closer

and our hearts filled with love.

And my mom's
purse filled with rolls.

MURRAY: Barry! Barry!

Happy birthday to you

Breakfast is served.

The only thing better than
eating out is leftovers the next day.

Steak and eggs for you. Steak
and eggs for you, and for Barry,

a fishy scramble made from
last night's half-eaten trout.

What? That thing should've
never left the restaurant.

And let it go to waste?

Oh, no, mister. You
eat that fishy scramble.

I don't want the fishy scramble.

You eat that fishy
scramble right now!


Mmm. Wow!

This fishy scramble is yummy.

- Want to get on this, Adam?
- I'm good.

How about you, old man?

It's like fish-scramble
heaven over here.

Please take that
plate away from me.

(SHOUTS) Eat it!