The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Goldberg Girls - full transcript

Beverly creates her own mom group, while Erica reaches a breaking point with Geoff.

ADULT ADAM: Ah, the '80s,
the golden age of TV theme songs.

Seemed like every show had a
tune you couldn't get out of your head,

but the catchiest
was The Golden Girls,

a show about four saucy seniors
enjoying their twilight years.

When they came on, you
couldn't help but sing along.

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the
road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidant

Boom boom boom

And if you threw a party

And invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

Good song, great ladies.



I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

January 3rd, 1980-something,

and winter break was
going great for Erica.

She was sleeping
in, chilling out,

and still falling for her
boyfriend, Geoff. Hard.


What the hell? (GRUNTS)

Good morning, clumsy pants.

What the hell?

It's day 27 of our winter break.

I wanted to surprise you
with something special.

- How did you even get in here?
- Love finds a way.

Also, there's a basement
window that doesn't lock.

Dude, you've done something
special every single day.

- Aw. You noticed.
- I've noticed.

The flowers, the mix tapes,

the mariachi band that
was really nice at first,

and then they
overstayed their welcome.

Okay, well, did you ever think
that I do all this to compensate

for what you do,
which is nothing?

I'm on winter break! I'm
supposed to do nothing!

I'm just saying it would be nice

if you went all out
for me once in a while.

Where are my rose petals and
mariachis who play three songs too many?

Look, you know that
I love you and stuff,

so what more do you need?

- White horses.
- What?

- White horses...
- What?

White horses? Get them, try it.

Okay, I don't know what you're
saying, but don't count on it.


Why the hell are my
stairs covered in garbage?

That was all Geoff.

Yeah, he threw a bunch of

wildly dangerous rose
petals all over the place.

Which I adore.

This isn't a damn botanical
garden. Go get a broom, Schwartz.

I see where you get it from.

Is he going to go
get a broom or what?

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
turned a cold shoulder to love,

my mom was warming her
heart with her favorite TV gal pals.

Shmoops. The Golden
Girls are on. Come sit.

We'll watch and picture how we'll
spend our golden years together.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Do you actually think you and I

are going to share a
house when we're old?


Barry and Erica
will be there, too.

Oh, balls. We need to find you
three nice ladies to keep you occupied.

Adam, stop with the panicking.
I've got plenty of friends.

Let's make a specific list so
we're all on the same page.

- Oh, I got it. Virginia Kremp.
- Good. Just name two more.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, there's my friend
from Jazzercise...

She sounds incredible.

She's got the headband
and the thingy...

Definitely lifelong
friend material.

What is her name?

We don't need names!
Just lifelong friends.

Essie Karp! That's it.

Wow. I really lost
touch with her.

Whoa. Focus on the positive.
All we need is one more.

This will be part of the
big Bevolution, then.

I need to find a life outside
of my little snuggle bugs.

Looking for a posse, huh?
You've come to the right place.

Yes! Barry's rudely butting
in like he always does.

It's your lucky day, 'cause
I happen to command

the greatest friend group
ever assembled, the JTP.

- That's fun.

You say three letters to them, and
they always scream them back at you.

And with my help,
you can have that, too.

All you got to do is make
sure you pick friends

that have a specific
role in the group.

Oh, like my beloved
Golden Girls.

Yes, for instance,
I'm the Dorothy,

the strong, masculine leader
who keeps everyone in line.

Oh. You are my
handsome Bea Arthur.

And Andy here is our Sophia,
the tiny, adorable spitfire.

No filter, yo.

Naturally, Naked Rob is our Blanche,
the sensual one, free with his body.

My parents got me someone
to talk to once a week about it.

And Matt Bradley
here is our Rose,

dumb as rocks and always
messing everything up.

- I just treasure these friendships.
- Ah! Ooh!

Brain freeze! Hurry! I need
my best friends to rub my head.

Mmm. Yes. Ah.

This is what I want.

Barry was feeling the love,

I was going to show my
girlfriend just how much I loved her.

What are you two doing?

Your brother's such a dork.

I surprised Jackie by
writing romantic lyrics

to music from her
favorite sci-fi movies.

- You




And nice and cool and smart

- And funny and strong
and pretty - (SONG STOPS)

Dude, that is so stupid.

And yet so adorable.


- Wait, are you being serious?
- Don't mind her.

Her heart is a dusty
cavern, void of romance.

Wait a second,
you're dad's kid, too.

So, how did you not inherit
his crappy outlook on love?

'Cause I've chosen other,
way better paternal role models,

like John Hughes.

The reclusive billionaire
who saved his bodily fluids?

No! That's Howard Hughes.

I'm talking about the filmmaker
who makes romantic teen movies.

That's who I
model my life after.

Like, on my birthday,
Adam brought me a cake

and we sat on the dining
room table to eat it together.

Sixteen Candles.

And on Valentine's Day, he
painted this amazing portrait of me.

Some Kind of Wonderful.

And on our anniversary, he
showed up on a lawnmower

and we rode off into
the sunset together.

Can't Buy Me Love.

Not a Hughes flick, but
clearly influenced by the master.

So, what? I ride Geoff
around on a mower

and he stops being
lame for a few minutes?

Kind of missing
the point, but yes.

Dad, I need your stupid mower!

Now you want to mow the grass?

It's the middle of
winter! It's about to snow!

It has nothing to
do with mowing!

- Then why do you need it?
- It's a whole freaking thing!

Just stop asking questions!

I'll ask questions, all right!

Damn it, I'm in college!

I shouldn't even have to ask to
use the stupid gardening equipment.

When I'm done soaking this
toe, I'm going to go in the garage,

and so help me, if that
lawnmower's missing,

it's curtains for you! Curtains!

Well, good luck catching me
with that swollen Cheeto toe!

Thanks for the love help.
This is gonna go great.


ADULT ADAM: As my dad was
trying to stop Erica's romantic plan,

my mom was trying to start
some lifelong friendships.

Ginzy. Over here.

Hey. Haven't seen you
at the PTA in a while.

Oh, I know, I've been so busy, and
also I was banned for complaining

about the crappy
sangria last time.

But here I am,

and everyone's too afraid
to say anything to my face!

Well, we could certainly use your
help. We have a huge agenda tonight.

Winter formal
planning, fundraising...

Creating a tight-knit group of
friends so we don't die alone?

Think about it, Ginzy.

You and me, living it up in a
Miami bungalow like sisters.

Um, I kind of have actual
sisters that I can live with.

Well, your sisters can
(BLEEP) themselves.

- I'm sorry, but they can.
- Okay.

- Look at me, Ginzy.
- I'd rather not.

Look at me right now.

It's you and me
until the day you die.

- Okay, okay.
- There you go.

We'll be just like the Golden
Girls and you'll be Sophia.

What? The grumpy older one?

Exactly. Just look at your face.

You're totally her,
you goofy old bat.

- Settle down, people. PTA is in session.

First order of business, we
need a group of volunteers

to organize a senior ski trip.

Rick. I'll head up the
senior ski committee.

Virginia Kremp's in, too.

No, I don't even have
a kid in the senior class.

I just need two more volunteers.

- I can help.
- No!

Sorry, Ruben Amaro Sr. I
didn't mean to yell, but sit down.

But my son loves that trip.

And we love Ruben
Amaro Jr., Ruben Amaro Sr.,

but this committee
is ladies only.

I don't think you can do that.

Ooh. Sassy. I like the
cut of your jib, Essie Karp.

You're in, you giant floozy.

I don't know how
to reply to that.

And last but not least, Linda
Schwartz, you're just what I need.

Actually, I'm on two
other committees.

Well, that's on you for
overextending yourself

like a big, dumb
airhead. (LAUGHS)

Every group has one, am I right?

We're good to go,
Rick. What do you say?

It's weird, Beverly.
It's really weird.


We're going to be best friends!

I mean, a very good committee.

ADULT ADAM: Fearing she was destined
to become an unromantic loaf like my dad,

Erica embarked on her
first grand romantic gesture.

Thanks to me, she'd use
the movie Can't Buy Me Love

to mow her way back
into Geoff's heart.

Let's do this!

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
wasn't as easy as it looked.

Yo, Schwartz! Open your window!

All that romantic
crap is happening.

Why are you mowing my
lawn? It's the middle of the winter!

ERICA: Damn it! It's stuck!

Get off my lawn!

Erica? What are you doing?

This is supposed to be like
that movie Buy Me Some Love.

Can't Buy Me Love?

I thought you said that
was a corny chick movie.

What's the hold-up, man?

Just come down here and
take my sweet romance already.

She's not very
good at this, Geoffy.

I know! Doing this stuff
just makes me feel so stupid.

That's the whole point.

You're supposed to be
vulnerable for the person you love!

Geoff! Come down
and push her out!

It's fine. I got it.

Oh, no! No! No! No!

- My Peugeot!
- Dad's Peugeot!

I am so sorry.
I'll pay to fix it.

You got to order the parts
from France. It's a whole thing.

God, do you see what happens
when you guilt me into being romantic?

Guilt you?

That's not what I meant.

I just wanted to hang and
relax and enjoy my winter break.

Well, you got two days
left. Enjoy them without me.

- What?
- There's a senior ski trip.

I think I'll have a
better time there.

But I'm going back to college.
I won't see you for months.

Kind of seems like
you need a break.

You could have just read a poem.

Okay, let's review
everything I taught you

about being a bodacious
leader of a friend group.

- Rule one...
- Always bust balls.

Yes. Friendship is about
breaking down the walls

to figure out what really
bothers a person. Rule two...

Pick a badass name for the
group and yell it as often as possible

to display a terrifying
show of unity.

I chose the JTP. Three
letters, but powerful.

Well, I'm looking
for my Golden Girls,

so I chose Goldberg
Girls. Goldberg Girls!

- Rule three?
- Uh, create opportunities to bond.

May I suggest
lighting your farts?

It's really brought me
and my friends a lot closer.

I was more thinking we would
bedazzle matching sweaters,

like fashionable street toughs.

Ah, very lame. So, it's perfect!


There they are!

The Fearsome Foursome
is back together again.

Come in! Come in,
I made cheesecake.

Ha! I'll dish while we dish.

Actually, I told my husband
that I'd be back by 9:00,

so maybe we should
just jump right in?

I bet you'd like
that, you little hussy.

But sure, let's get cracking.

Okay, I got everybody
a BeDazzler.

Now, tell me,

- what color jewels should we use?
- Jewels?

For our matching
sweaters, you big slut.

Bevy, why are you
being so off-putting?

Don't listen to her,
she's old and cranky.

Cough up some
dust, why don't you?

What's happening?

Classic Linda.

She's such a clueless dummy,
right? But in a good way.

Okay, why do you
keep calling us names?

Hey, I'm just busting balls. That's
what we do in the Goldberg Girls.

That's our cool new
name, by the way.

(LAUGHS) Goldberg Girls!

We'll get there.

So you can buy someone love,
'cause it happened in this movie,

which is super creepy and weird.

I mean, she gives up her
cool friends for the gardener?

Okay, this movie sucks.

Yep, there's no helping her.

Wow. You really are
a closed-off Murray.

No! I refuse to accept that.

Now, give me
another cornball movie

that'll show Geoff he's
my number one fella.

Oh, you know what Adam
did for me that was amazing?

He stood on my front lawn
with a boom box over his head.

- And played In Your Eyes.
- Say Anything.

Wait, I thought that's
how you got Dana.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What's that?

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What...

Did you recycle
that movie on me?

- Pardon?
- Wait, I was wrong.

It wasn't his first love, Dana,

it was you, the new one.

- Stop talking.
- The better one.

- Stop talking.
- Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

I have a past, too.
Ruben Amaro Jr.

Yeah, he's going to Stanford
on a baseball scholarship.

I have to go.

My God, lady!

Next time you need help
with love, go somewhere else!

I didn't mean to drag
you down with me!

- But you did!
- I know! I'm sorry!

Okay, I can win Jackie back.

Just, uh, just need some
fresh romantic movie material.

Wait, Short Circuit!
That's romantic.

It's really not.

ADULT ADAM: And so I called upon

my trusty action
figures for inspiration.

- Weekend at Bernie's! That's it.
- It's not.

- Road House.
- Eh.

- Innerspace.
- No!

- Taxi Driver?
- Seriously, no!

- Mac and Me?
- Stop!

- Krull.
- I don't even know what that is!

- Halloween!
- How many toys do you have?

Disney's Black Hole?

At least take them out of the
package and play with them!

- Beastie Droids?
- That's not even a movie.

Wait, the Highlander!

There's a tiny love story
before all the sword fighting.

Sure, why not.

- It's not going to work.
- I know.

Buck Rogers?

BEVERLY: Good news, JTP.

The 14-layer dip I made for
the Goldberg Girls is up for grabs.

- What happened?
- Linda got whooping cough,

Essie got pink eye,
and Ginzy got both.

- Please.
- Sounds highly unlikely.

Okay, what are you implying?

We're not implying,

we're saying they
stone-cold dissed you.

Also, I saw them
all at the school.

Okay, we're talking about
the Goldberg Girls here.

You boys are dead wrong.

Nope. They were meeting
Coach Mellor about the ski trip.

Well, that's a kick in
the downstairs stuff!

This is the classic friend diss,

like the time I only had three
tickets to the Eagles game

and told Matthew we all
got stuck in an elevator.

- What?
- Do you mind? I'm helping my mom here.

They're meeting without you,

just like we all met for
ribs after the Eagles game.

Stop telling him about
our special day, dude!

I'm trying to be cool about
this, but it's getting hard.

It's not always about
you, Matt Bradley!

And don't be a Matt Bradley.
Be the Barry and take charge.

I'd say your best exercise,
pre-skiing, is probably the wall sit.

Now, the wall is just there,
just keeps you honest.

Well, well.

If it isn't the Goldberg
Girls, minus the Goldberg.

Beverly, great news! Our pink
eye and our scurvy cleared up!

It was whooping
cough, and save it.

Look, we didn't want
to hurt your feelings,

but the ski trip is tomorrow, and
we still have a ton of work to do.

Skip it, Linda.

And to think I wanted to
live with the three of you

in a beautiful Miami bungalow

with wicker furniture
and bright floral patterns.

Is that what this is about? You
forcing us to be your Golden Girls?

Well, I don't know about
"forcing," but maybe "tricking."

How about we do neither and
plan a ski trip like normal people?

She's right. I just don't have
time to be a Goldberg Girl.

But I thought we could travel
down the road and back again.

My heart is true. You're
pals and my confidants.

I don't even know you.

Essie, if you threw a party
and invited everyone you knew...

Yeah, we all know
the theme song.

You would see, the biggest
gift would be from me.

And do you know what the
card attached would say?

- "Thank you for being a friend"?
- Exactly.

Bev, we all have families
and millions of things to do.

We just don't have
time for friends.

Good luck with your ski trip.


All right, anyway, back
to what I was saying.

So, you want to use the
wall for a wall sit, okay?

Hold this position for
at least half an hour.

ADULT ADAM: The Goldberg
Girls may have iced out my mom,

but Barry was ready

to crush fresh powder
on the senior ski trip.

All right, me and the
JTP are off to the slopes.

Check the news for an avalanche,

'cause Big Tasty's going
to hit that mountain hard.

Well, have fun
with your friends.

- At least one of us will.
- You okay?

What happened to your
stupid Goldberg ladies club?

They're busy moms.
There's no room for friends.

ADULT ADAM: My mom's
posse had abandoned her,

which offended
Barry to his core.


Hi. Is your mom home?

Your kind is not welcome
in my home. So, beat it!

No, no, I'm here. I'm
here. What's wrong?

There is a huge snowstorm
upstate, all the roads are closed.

And so is this conversation.

No one disrespects my mama!
You're all a bunch of garbage!

Hey, Barry, dial
it back a little bit.

Bevy, we are really
sorry for excluding you,

but you are the only
one who can help us!

Put a sock in it, Kremp!

We both saw this day coming.

Come on! Hit me! Free
punch! Right there! Right there!

He's sweet defending
you, but this isn't about us.

It's okay. He's
just a little riled up.

Yeah, I am! Come
get some, Ginzy!

Maybe we should come back.

Maybe you should screw off for
making my precious mother so sad.

Barry, not okay. Go in
the yard and clomp it off.

- Fine!

The school canceled the senior
ski trip. We don't know what to do.

The whole class is
heading to the bus right now,

and they are going
to be heartbroken.

No hearts are gonna break today,

not if our ski committee
has anything to say about it.

Okay, we've got tons
to do and no time to do it.

Ginz, hit the bakery, get
hot chocolate and donuts.

Linda, call Principal Ball,
tell him to unlock the school

so we can access the cafeteria.

Essie, hit the
Baederwood Market.

We need a dolly, wax paper,

- and white Zin!
- On it!

This is going to be the best non-ski
ski trip the world has ever seen!

Listen up and settle down!

The trip is off! There's
nothing we can do!

But I've been waiting
four years for this ski trip.

It's very disappointing.


- Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the
road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidant

Look, it's four hot moms.

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

BEVERLY: Step aside, Mellor.

These kids won't be
denied their special memory.

Not on our watch.

Thank you for being a friend

ADULT ADAM: That night, my mom's
ski committee waxed up some lunch trays

and gave the senior class
a night they'd never forget.

Thank you for being a friend

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, all it
takes to have a legendary weekend

is friends at your side, no
matter what the weather brings.

- Hey.
- Don't "hey" me.

- You saw the mower?
- I saw the mower.

This is your fault! I'm you!

I'm stubborn and irritable

and don't like talking
about my feelings.

And now I'm going back to school

and I don't even get to
say goodbye to Geoff.

All right, I'm going
to tell you something

that I've never
told anyone before.

When I was your age, I stood
outside of your mom's window

and I read her a poem, that I wrote,
about her beautiful emerald eyes.

Point is, if you're
really like me,

then there's a little
romantic in you, too.

ADULT ADAM: And just like all those
romantic movies Erica hated to watch,

she found herself
running through the night

to stop her one true
love from getting on a bus.

Unfortunately, it was long gone.

But as fate would have it,

she still had the chance
to speak from her heart.

- Erica?
- Geoff.

Okay, what's going
on? Why are you here?

Listen, I am never
going to be the kind of girl

that covers stairs with flowers,

or stands on your
lawn with a boom box.

But you need to
know, really know,

that I love you
more than anything.

And I wish that I
could put how I feel

into some kind of amazing,
romantic gesture, but I can't.

Well, that's a
pretty good start.

ADULT ADAM: Truth is, the
people you love don't always act

like they do on TV
or in the movies.

In real life, it's about
weathering the storm together

and learning to laugh
when things get tough.

Thank you for being a friend

I wanna thank you

ADULT ADAM: In the end,

that's the greatest thank
you for being a friend.

Yeah, we really do make one
heck of a ski committee, huh?


You know what, I think we could make
a pretty damn good group of friends.

What are you saying?

We're saying after this,
we should find a restaurant

that has cheesecake on the menu.

- And white Zin!
- Essie, you are such a Blanche!

I really am!


To the Goldberg Girls.

The Goldberg Girls!

My God, this white
Zin is to die for.

And I have a coupon.

Oh, you guys, look over there.

So cute, right?

I hope that's us when we're old.

Did that lady
just call us "old"?

Some people are just so
(BLEEP) rude these days.

Oh, this white
Zin is to die for.

And I have a coupon.


This is the kind of friendship
where we just laugh.

Barry kept saying, "I wish
Mrs. Kremp was my mother."

And I'd say, "Good. Go
across the street and live there."

Beverly is definitely
our Dorothy.

The leader of the group,
I'd say, probably is Bev.

She's the one with the big
mouth that, you know, takes over.

Could Beverly have ever been
a lawyer? Are you kidding me?

Beverly could definitely
have been a lawyer.

No one argues like me.

She has a brain like nobody
else's I have ever seen in my life.

What are you doing?

- Okay... Can we bleep that?

Yeah. Let's bleep that.