The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - We Didn't Start the Fire - full transcript
When Erica tells Beverly she is going to spend the first night of Hanukkah with Geoff and his family, Beverly worries and starts a competition for who hosts the best Hanukkah party. Meanwhile, Barry seeks advice from Pops on how to be cool and suggests entering into the school's talent show. However, when Pops hears Barry sing, he tries to stop him from performing, but will it be too late?
ADULT ADAM: Ever since I was a
kid, Billy Joel was my musical idol.
I loved every album and video,
but he blew my mind when he
released a song like no other.
(SINGING) We
didn't start the fire
ADULT ADAM: We Didn't Start
the Fire was an instant classic.
The moment I heard
it, I was obsessed.
Joseph Stalin, Malenkov,
Nasser, and Prokofiev...
What is he doing?
It's like Billy Joel is
singing, but also rapping.
No, it's like he's
rapping, but also singing.
ADULT ADAM: It became a
point of pride to memorize the lyrics.
- Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
- (REWINDING)
ADULT ADAM: And
back before the Internet,
the only way to learn
them was to just listen.
The hell are you doing?
It's the middle of the night!
Dad, thank God!
Is it "Pumajob"? "Pac-Man job"?
Put on the damn headphones.
What is he saying?
He's saying you're a moron.
Now go to bed, and
also learn some history!
ADULT ADAM: And
the best part? I did!
Billy Joel actually
made me good at school.
So, yes. We
didn't start the fire.
In fact, it burned right
from Harry Truman
to the great cola wars.
Normally, I am not a
fan of popular music,
but this song teaches
and entertains.
You don't like music?
No. I enjoy the dulcet
tones of AM talk radio.
That's sad. I feel sad for you.
I mean, traffic, sports,
weather, you've got it all!
ADULT ADAM: But
most importantly,
Billy Joel taught me
girls dig rock stars.
Rock and roller cola
wars, I can't take it anymore
Wow! That was totally badass.
You like how I flipped
over the He-Man table?
You know what?
You should perform that
song in the holiday talent show.
- You think?
- I know.
Not to completely objectify you,
but the whole thing was insanely hot.
Me, hot?
Yeah.
Never thought I'd hear that from a
girl. Is it warm? My cheeks are burning.
What can I say? You
make quite the Billy Joel.
More like Boopie Joel.
Schmoo didn't start the fire
But his cheeks are gushy
and his tushy's squooshy
Give me a little nibble.
Just look away,
Jackie! Look away!
I am looking away, but
there's a mirror right there.
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day
ADULT ADAM: It was
December 13th, 1980-something,
and Erica was back from
college for winter break.
I have an announcement.
We've spent a lot of time
together this holiday break...
Too much in fact.
You've been home for one day.
You're feeling it, too.
Which is why I will be spending
the first night of Hanukkah
- at Geoff's house.
- What?
His parents invited me,
and I don't want to be here,
so it's all lining up.
Murray, your daughter
wants to spend
the holiest day of the
year without the family.
- Say something!
- Holy?
Most years, we give
up halfway through.
Murray, don't interrupt.
It's a very special day,
so at the very least,
we should come with you.
Ooh. One problem...
- You're not invited.
- Please.
Linda and Lou Schwartz are
friends. They'd love to have us.
You've never
even talked to them.
Well, I sent Linda a
beautifully-worded note
when Murray ran over her foot.
I signed my name at the bottom.
You are not crashing
their dinner, end of story!
Damn it! Quick, grab your pants.
The Schwartzes are clearly
making a play to take Hanukkah!
- Who's doing what now?
- Murray, it is crucial
that we establish
ourselves as the fun parents
who host all the holidays.
That way, if Geoff and
Erica ever get married,
they come to us.
Not those bastards. Us.
Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry
about things far in the
future that I don't care about.
Oh! You better care!
Hanukkah is a gateway holiday.
If they take that, then
they take Thanksgiving,
then the Fourth of July,
then we're left with some
crap holiday, like Labor Day!
What's wrong with Labor Day?
It's quiet and we eat hot dogs!
ADULT ADAM: And so my
mom swore she'd win Hanukkah.
Meanwhile, I was ready
to win over the crowd.
Ow!
(LAUGHS)
That's the best.
Still getting used to
wearing my shades indoors
like the Piano Man.
You're no Piano Man.
Tell that to Jackie,
who strongly urged my hot
bod to do the talent show.
Come on! What upside-down
world are we living in here?
How do you have a
girlfriend and confidence
and a modest
amount of popularity?
Hello!
Pops!
He's helped me with all of it.
He's even the one who gave
me the idea to serenade Jackie,
and like always, he was right.
Wait, you take love
advice from our old grandpa
who uses an entire tin of
cream cheese on one bagel?
He helps me every day.
You're just realizing that now?
That's why you're
always chatting him up?
What did you think I was doing?
I thought you were
trying to get his gold.
He doesn't have any gold.
All old people have gold.
The gold is his wisdom.
- Lame!
- Fine.
Pops is lame, and so am I.
ADULT ADAM: Lame or not, Barry
couldn't deny Pops had helped me,
and so, with great humility,
he asked for guidance.
- Hey! My bagel!
- Forget the bagel.
Schmear me with
knowledge, old timer.
Wait. Are you actually
coming to me for advice?
I realized you made
Adam suck way less.
Be my sensei,
and I will follow
whatever ancient wisdom
you have in that tired
old frame of yours.
As insulting as
that is, why not?
I like a good challenge.
I am a challenge.
ADULT ADAM: He was, but my
mom faced an even bigger challenge,
making sure she didn't lose
Hanukkah to the Schwartzes.
Linda, my God, these
latkes are to die for!
Oh, it was nothing.
She's not one to toot her
own horn, but I will. Toot-toot!
Am I crazy, or is this
actually going well?
Oh! Almost forgot.
Presents!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait! Wait, wait.
No one said anything
about a gift exchange.
- We didn't bring anything.
- Oh, don't worry.
We just got you a little something.
Classic first night gift, no big deal.
Holy crap! Streisand tickets?
Summer sausage?
Who are you?
An indestructible rubber
Sony Sports Walkman?
I always get crappy
socks on the first night.
Not always!
Last year, we forgot
about it completely,
and then on the fourth night,
we were like, "Hanukkah!"
Ha! She's wrong.
She's a big stupid liar.
Point is, the holidays
are just as special to us.
A savings bond?
I can't touch this for 10 years!
- So sensible!
- Look at that punim!
We're like twins! Look at us!
Well, look at this!
We're twins, too! Mmm!
See this? This is the real gift.
Erica and the Goldbergs
here for the holidays.
It's the best! You
guys are the best.
- Those people are human trash!
- Come on!
All the man did was
give you Streisand tickets.
Third row center?
Best seats in the house?
These people are monsters
who will steal our children.
ADULT ADAM: While my
mom envisioned a lonely future,
Pops was reminding Barry of his
epic freshman year talent show routine
when he karate-kicked
his way to glory.
That was quite a night, huh?
It was the first night
Lainey noticed me.
Best of my life.
What if I said I
could help you top it?
You think if I do that show,
I can get a new Lainey?
If Adam can impress
a girl with a serenade,
so can you.
ADULT ADAM: And so,
Barry took Pops' advice,
perhaps a little too literally.
Mr. Glascott!
Oh, my God. Oh, my Pop-Tart!
- Today was my cheat day!
- I have huge news.
I'm signing up for
the talent show.
I know it's last minute, but I
will not take "no" for an answer.
And you won't have to.
There's like 14 spots left.
Then consider it your lucky day
'cause you just got
yourself your opening act.
Okay, you seem way
too fired up about this.
Let me be painfully clear.
This is a holiday talent
show. None of it matters.
Oh, it matters.
This is the game-changer I need
to become the most popular
kid in high school once again!
It's really not.
Honestly, this isn't some
high-stakes, life-defining event.
It's just a wasted night.
Then it's up to me
to prove you wrong.
No! Do not use me to
raise the stakes any further.
Just sign up and move on.
Mr. Glascott!
Big news, I'm gonna sing
We Didn't Start the
Fire at the talent show.
No one cares!
What he means to say is you
can do anything but that song.
I'm opening the show with it.
You can't just take my song.
I'm just doing as my
sensei, Pops, commands.
Pops isn't your sensei.
He's my Jedi Master,
and he'd never tell you to
do the same song as me!
Hey, Barry, heard you were
opening the talent show with Billy Joel.
Why, yes, I am, Jamie Weisman.
See you there.
What do you know?
It's already working.
How the hell did she already
know you were doing the show?
It literally just happened.
ADULT ADAM: She knew
because Barry woke up early
and posted a few
fliers around school...
A few hundred.
Balls!
"Holiday Talent Show
featuring Barry Joel"?
Don't worry. I'm still
gonna sing our song.
It's kind of feeling like
your brother's song.
It does feel that way.
ADULT ADAM: It was the
second day of Hanukkah,
and my mom had
her eyes on the prize,
stealing the holiday
back from Lou Schwartz.
Thank you so much for seeing
me last minute, Dr. Schwartz.
That's Lou to you. We're
practically family now.
Aw. Speaking of, I wanted
to thank you for last night
by hosting you guys for the
second night of Hanukkah.
Hold still for drops.
While I do appreciate the offer,
night two is a Schwartz family
favorite, so we'll be hosting it.
Well, your son already
formally RSVP'd.
I cornered him at school, and
he signed the response card.
Fine. You take night two.
We'll do nights
three through eight.
Six nights and the closer?
Okay, then you
can take night four.
The hump day of
Hanukkah? How dare you?
How dare me, what?
I don't understand why
you're so worked up.
Cut the crap, Schwartz!
You're trying to steal
Hanukkah, and it ain't happening.
ADULT ADAM: Like always,
my mom had spiraled out,
but this time, she was right.
- Fine!
- I knew it!
- You got me.
- You are not taking Hanukkah.
Oh, I'm taking it.
I'm taking all the big-ticket
holidays, and you can't stop it.
Oh, I'll stop it when I throw
the most mind-blowing
night two in Hanukkah history!
- You'll see.
- Too bad you won't.
What did you do?
In a few minutes, your
pupils will dilate up real nicely.
Good luck frying up
a latke in a hazy blur.
You blinded me from Hanukkah?
Yes. For three whole hours.
You have made a dangerous
mistake, Lou Schwartz!
Blinding me has
only fueled my anger,
and I will use my rage
to peel more potatoes
- than I've ever peeled!
- Better watch your fingers.
And you better
bring your appetite,
'cause once I sour cream
and applesauce up a latke,
it is game, set, Hanukkah!
This is a war you won't win!
I already have!
ADULT ADAM: As my mom
stumbled off to dominate Hanukkah,
my brother was
mastering Billy Joel's lyrics.
(SINGING) Harry
Truman, Doris Day
ADULT ADAM: Back before Google,
it took patience and a good ear.
Sadly, Barry had neither.
Joe is stallin' Mellor's cough
Nose hairs and pro coffee pots
Rock your fella, salmonella
Chickens say "Bock!"
Toy bone, on the phone
Tossed panini, yay scones
Ben's friend Lew Falls
Walk around the block
Barf-o, booed a breast
Slamma Jamma, crew's chest
Prince is great, paper plates
Trouble with Aunt Suzy
We didn't start the fire
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah, blah, blah...
You get it! What do you think?
I think it's amazing.
Do this song exactly like that, pal.
Never let me stand in your way again.
A more insecure man would
wonder why he's so pleased.
But I'm not such a man.
Bar, I think you messed
up a couple of lyrics there.
Mmm... No.
Dude, whose awful idea was this?
That'd be me.
I'm his sensei.
Mr. Grandpa, sir, I would like to
go on record and respectfully say
that your advice will
destroy Barry's life
and that you suck at this.
ADULT ADAM: While Pops
was regretting the talent show,
my mom couldn't wait to show
the Schwartzes a real Hanukkah.
Knock, knock!
Not sure if you can
see us, but we're here!
Doesn't matter! I can cook
dinner with my eyes closed.
Come on in. Sorry the
place is such a mess.
A mess? Look at this house.
It's like a Hanukkah
winter wonderland.
Yeah, what's the deal?
We usually just light a candle
- and get a lame gift, like dental floss.
- Stop.
When it comes to
the Festival of Lights,
the Goldbergs really
know how to turn it on.
Wow. That is so festive.
And dangerous.
Last thing I'd want is for
you to burst into flames
so we'd have to host
Hanukkah every year.
You know what's
even better? Presents!
A hundred dollars?
That's insane!
That's what you get when
you do Hanukkah here.
Remember that.
And, uh, we have
a gift for Erica.
We do?
Thirty-two dollars.
And a chamois for your glasses.
Don't be silly. It's
time for dinner.
I hope you have enough
room for eight courses.
Prepare your tummies!
- Whoa!
- Damn!
Face it, Schwartz,
you're out of your league.
That's it. We settle
this the way our people
have settled fights
for thousands of years.
- In court?
- No.
With a game of dreidel.
Winner takes all eight nights.
And I never lose with
my lucky spinning top.
Until now.
Let's light this candle.
(DREIDEL SONG PLAYING)
(SINGING ALONG)
Together, we will play
Hey, kiddo.
I've been thinking
about the talent show.
Maybe we should give
that little song back to Adam.
No can do.
I already sent Billy Joel
the parking directions.
No, that's smart,
but I think you'd make
a much bigger splash
by doing something funny.
But it took me forever
to perfectly memorize
every word of that song!
(SHUSHING) You promised
to do everything I say, right?
Yes. Forgive me, sensei.
So, what's your idea?
The greatest Abbott and
Costello routine of all time,
guaranteed to kill.
It's a famous skit about the
players and their funny names.
It's called "Who's on First?"
- Who?
- Exactly! So you know it?
- What?
- Yes! What's on second.
You started this
thing! You tell me!
Okay. Let me clear this
up. Who is the player.
Who is on first.
Why won't you tell me?
You know what? I think you're
gonna need some visuals.
Then you'll know Who's on first.
Who?
(SIGHS)
Okay, now you
can clearly visualize
where each and every player is.
So, who's on first?
Easy. Von Hayes.
No. It's Who.
Who is on first.
I just told you, Von Hayes.
I'm not asking you
about the Phillies lineup.
- I'm telling you. It's Who!
- Von Hayes.
Okay, look at me.
Ask me the name of
the player on third base.
I don't need to ask you.
It's Mike Schmidt, right?
Wrong. This is "I Don't Know."
How do you not
know Mike Schmidt?
He's a Gold Glove winner
and a perennial All-Star!
Barry! Just listen!
Who is on first!
Who! I'm telling you!
Who is the name!
And I told you! His name is...
Don't you dare say Von Hayes!
(MUTTERS) Von Hayes.
Okay.
Now we're literally
on a baseball field
with your friends
holding up the names.
It cannot be any clearer.
So, tell me the name
of the player on third.
I Don't Know.
Barry, do you really not know
or do you know it's I Don't Know.
It's I Don't Know.
And What's on second.
- And Who's on first.
- Yes!
- Yeah, baby!
- Only two hours!
Can we go home now?
One question. Why is it funny?
No one on Earth would
name their son Who!
- He's right.
- Kind of lame.
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna make this actually
funny by changing all the names.
Don't change the names.
First base is Mr. ClownFarts.
Second base is Bob Frapples.
And third base is
Giant (BLEEP) Face.
No! Those aren't real names!
They're more real than
your first baseman, Mr. Who!
It makes no sense!
No parent with the last
name of (BLEEP) Face
would name their
child Giant! Ever!
Then what would they name him?
- Josh!
- Screw it!
I'm going back to
being Barry Joel.
Barry, don't do that show. I'm
just trying to protect you here.
- From what?
- From yourself!
You don't know any of
the words to that song,
and I can't help you
like I did with the karate!
What do you mean, help?
I swapped in a board
made of balsa wood!
Balsa wood better be
the strongest of all woods.
Bro, it breaks
like a Kit Kat bar.
That better be the
strongest of all candy bars.
It's not, dude.
Look, if I didn't actually
break that board,
then the best night of
my life is nothing but a lie.
That's not true, kiddo.
No. I get it.
Even you can't help
me. I'm unfixable.
ADULT ADAM: As
everyone waited for dinner,
my mom's plans to win Hanukkah
were spinning out of control.
Boom! Squiggly again!
Send the bread to
Fred, the Schwartzes win.
Okay, double or nothing.
You win, you get Thanksgiving.
- You're on!
- Okay.
- My turn, I'll spin.
- No, no, no. It's my dreidel!
- I'm the spinner!
- No, no!
Yes! Squiggly! The Goldbergs
are back on the board.
Look at that! You got one.
Game's over. Happy Hanukkah.
Hey! Hey, wait! Wait!
That's six squiggles in a row.
What?
- Is this a loaded dreidel?
- No!
Did you bring a loaded
dreidel into my home?
- There's no such thing.
- Is that right?
(GASPS)
You can prove nothing!
Okay, what is all
the yelling about?
I thought we were
supposed to have dinner.
- Lou, what is going on?
- The kids need to pick!
Which one of us is
gonna be the fun in-laws
you spend all the holidays with?
What are you talking
about? Why is your shoe off?
He was cheating at dreidel!
Okay, everybody stop!
There is no holiday
house! We're just dating!
- Pick right now!
- Erica, say us.
Say us or I have no daughter.
You have to pick me, Geoffrey,
or you're out of my will forever!
You know, the whole
point of this holiday
was for our families to
get to know each other.
Yeah. Thanks for ruining it.
(DREIDEL SONG PLAYING)
ADULT ADAM: My mom may
have lost her precious holiday,
but I had found my new
act for the talent show.
Okay. What am I looking at here?
Not that it's any
of your business,
but I'm working on a new
super-sexy act for the talent show.
Put the scarves away, kiddo.
You can do the Billy Joel song.
What? Barry gave up?
Just on me.
He finally came to me for
help, and I let him down.
No, don't do that! Don't
make me feel sad for him.
The guy stole my song
and my Jedi grandpa.
Kiddo, I've helped you your
whole life, and now I need your help.
Hey, can we talk
about the talent show?
Look, if Pops sent you in here,
tell him I'm not doing
his stupid comedy routine.
Forget about "Who's on First?"
I'm here to tell
you to do the song.
Please. We both
know I suck at it.
That's why we're gonna combine
your rap skills and showmanship
with my greatest talent,
audio-video wizardry.
ADULT ADAM: And so,
united by our sensei granddad,
me and Barry decided
he wouldn't just rap.
He wouldn't just sing.
He'd rap-sing the most important
song in our school's history.
Barry Goldberg, JTP
William Penn Academy
Fighting Quakers, North Philly
Principal Ball
Coach Mellor is good at sports
And he wears those tiny shorts
Cecil the janitor is
mopping up the hall
It's true!
He mopped up something
I spilled this morning!
Mr. Glascott is a nerd
Feather Locklear is his bird
Miss Tabs habla Espanol
Lunch lady is really old
Mr. Woodburn is so mean
Cinoman's the drama queen
Then there's Doc throwin' chalk
That guy is out of control
Burnouts, nerds, and jocks
Jamie Weisman's really hot
Taz Money, Dave Kim
Chad Kremp, what's up with him?
Jackie and my brother Ad
My sensei is my granddad
Watch me flip this on the floor
I can't take it anymore
Yeah!
Ohhh!
Mr. Glascott! Come
quick! It's super important!
No, it's not. None
of this matters.
But Barry started a fire!
Dang it! It does matter!
It matters real bad!
- (SONG CONTINUES)
- We didn't start the fire
Hello.
Hi. My wife made you a kugel.
Mmm. Smells delicious.
You both really know your
way around a Hanukkah dish.
Right back at you.
You were right.
Never take on Beverly
Goldberg in a Hanukkah war.
What do you say we stop
worrying about the future
and just enjoy the great
kids we have right now?
I'd love that.
What?
You'll get used to
it. We're family now.
ADULT ADAM: That night, my
mom started a new holiday tradition,
and Barry didn't
just start a fire,
he started his comeback.
- (SONG CONTINUES)
- And on and on and on and on and on
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning...
ADULT ADAM: And as for my mom,
she realized the best
way to spend the holidays
was together.
What's all this?
We decided to share the holiday.
There's enough nights to go around.
ADULT ADAM: In the end,
the holidays aren't about
the number of nights
you have to celebrate.
All that matters
is you're together,
laughing, eating,
and making memories.
(ALL GASP)
(SIGHS)
ADAM: Mom! Stop
watching me sleep!
BEVERLY: Can I just
get one head sniff?
ADAM: Mom, just
say, "Night, night."
- BEVERLY: Night, night.
- (LOUD STOMPING)
ADAM: I know you're still
there! I see the sweater!
BEVERLY: Fine! I'll go for real!
(DOOR CLOSES)
(DREIDEL SONG PLAYING)
ADAM: This is my
worst nightmare!
kid, Billy Joel was my musical idol.
I loved every album and video,
but he blew my mind when he
released a song like no other.
(SINGING) We
didn't start the fire
ADULT ADAM: We Didn't Start
the Fire was an instant classic.
The moment I heard
it, I was obsessed.
Joseph Stalin, Malenkov,
Nasser, and Prokofiev...
What is he doing?
It's like Billy Joel is
singing, but also rapping.
No, it's like he's
rapping, but also singing.
ADULT ADAM: It became a
point of pride to memorize the lyrics.
- Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
- (REWINDING)
ADULT ADAM: And
back before the Internet,
the only way to learn
them was to just listen.
The hell are you doing?
It's the middle of the night!
Dad, thank God!
Is it "Pumajob"? "Pac-Man job"?
Put on the damn headphones.
What is he saying?
He's saying you're a moron.
Now go to bed, and
also learn some history!
ADULT ADAM: And
the best part? I did!
Billy Joel actually
made me good at school.
So, yes. We
didn't start the fire.
In fact, it burned right
from Harry Truman
to the great cola wars.
Normally, I am not a
fan of popular music,
but this song teaches
and entertains.
You don't like music?
No. I enjoy the dulcet
tones of AM talk radio.
That's sad. I feel sad for you.
I mean, traffic, sports,
weather, you've got it all!
ADULT ADAM: But
most importantly,
Billy Joel taught me
girls dig rock stars.
Rock and roller cola
wars, I can't take it anymore
Wow! That was totally badass.
You like how I flipped
over the He-Man table?
You know what?
You should perform that
song in the holiday talent show.
- You think?
- I know.
Not to completely objectify you,
but the whole thing was insanely hot.
Me, hot?
Yeah.
Never thought I'd hear that from a
girl. Is it warm? My cheeks are burning.
What can I say? You
make quite the Billy Joel.
More like Boopie Joel.
Schmoo didn't start the fire
But his cheeks are gushy
and his tushy's squooshy
Give me a little nibble.
Just look away,
Jackie! Look away!
I am looking away, but
there's a mirror right there.
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day
ADULT ADAM: It was
December 13th, 1980-something,
and Erica was back from
college for winter break.
I have an announcement.
We've spent a lot of time
together this holiday break...
Too much in fact.
You've been home for one day.
You're feeling it, too.
Which is why I will be spending
the first night of Hanukkah
- at Geoff's house.
- What?
His parents invited me,
and I don't want to be here,
so it's all lining up.
Murray, your daughter
wants to spend
the holiest day of the
year without the family.
- Say something!
- Holy?
Most years, we give
up halfway through.
Murray, don't interrupt.
It's a very special day,
so at the very least,
we should come with you.
Ooh. One problem...
- You're not invited.
- Please.
Linda and Lou Schwartz are
friends. They'd love to have us.
You've never
even talked to them.
Well, I sent Linda a
beautifully-worded note
when Murray ran over her foot.
I signed my name at the bottom.
You are not crashing
their dinner, end of story!
Damn it! Quick, grab your pants.
The Schwartzes are clearly
making a play to take Hanukkah!
- Who's doing what now?
- Murray, it is crucial
that we establish
ourselves as the fun parents
who host all the holidays.
That way, if Geoff and
Erica ever get married,
they come to us.
Not those bastards. Us.
Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry
about things far in the
future that I don't care about.
Oh! You better care!
Hanukkah is a gateway holiday.
If they take that, then
they take Thanksgiving,
then the Fourth of July,
then we're left with some
crap holiday, like Labor Day!
What's wrong with Labor Day?
It's quiet and we eat hot dogs!
ADULT ADAM: And so my
mom swore she'd win Hanukkah.
Meanwhile, I was ready
to win over the crowd.
Ow!
(LAUGHS)
That's the best.
Still getting used to
wearing my shades indoors
like the Piano Man.
You're no Piano Man.
Tell that to Jackie,
who strongly urged my hot
bod to do the talent show.
Come on! What upside-down
world are we living in here?
How do you have a
girlfriend and confidence
and a modest
amount of popularity?
Hello!
Pops!
He's helped me with all of it.
He's even the one who gave
me the idea to serenade Jackie,
and like always, he was right.
Wait, you take love
advice from our old grandpa
who uses an entire tin of
cream cheese on one bagel?
He helps me every day.
You're just realizing that now?
That's why you're
always chatting him up?
What did you think I was doing?
I thought you were
trying to get his gold.
He doesn't have any gold.
All old people have gold.
The gold is his wisdom.
- Lame!
- Fine.
Pops is lame, and so am I.
ADULT ADAM: Lame or not, Barry
couldn't deny Pops had helped me,
and so, with great humility,
he asked for guidance.
- Hey! My bagel!
- Forget the bagel.
Schmear me with
knowledge, old timer.
Wait. Are you actually
coming to me for advice?
I realized you made
Adam suck way less.
Be my sensei,
and I will follow
whatever ancient wisdom
you have in that tired
old frame of yours.
As insulting as
that is, why not?
I like a good challenge.
I am a challenge.
ADULT ADAM: He was, but my
mom faced an even bigger challenge,
making sure she didn't lose
Hanukkah to the Schwartzes.
Linda, my God, these
latkes are to die for!
Oh, it was nothing.
She's not one to toot her
own horn, but I will. Toot-toot!
Am I crazy, or is this
actually going well?
Oh! Almost forgot.
Presents!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait! Wait, wait.
No one said anything
about a gift exchange.
- We didn't bring anything.
- Oh, don't worry.
We just got you a little something.
Classic first night gift, no big deal.
Holy crap! Streisand tickets?
Summer sausage?
Who are you?
An indestructible rubber
Sony Sports Walkman?
I always get crappy
socks on the first night.
Not always!
Last year, we forgot
about it completely,
and then on the fourth night,
we were like, "Hanukkah!"
Ha! She's wrong.
She's a big stupid liar.
Point is, the holidays
are just as special to us.
A savings bond?
I can't touch this for 10 years!
- So sensible!
- Look at that punim!
We're like twins! Look at us!
Well, look at this!
We're twins, too! Mmm!
See this? This is the real gift.
Erica and the Goldbergs
here for the holidays.
It's the best! You
guys are the best.
- Those people are human trash!
- Come on!
All the man did was
give you Streisand tickets.
Third row center?
Best seats in the house?
These people are monsters
who will steal our children.
ADULT ADAM: While my
mom envisioned a lonely future,
Pops was reminding Barry of his
epic freshman year talent show routine
when he karate-kicked
his way to glory.
That was quite a night, huh?
It was the first night
Lainey noticed me.
Best of my life.
What if I said I
could help you top it?
You think if I do that show,
I can get a new Lainey?
If Adam can impress
a girl with a serenade,
so can you.
ADULT ADAM: And so,
Barry took Pops' advice,
perhaps a little too literally.
Mr. Glascott!
Oh, my God. Oh, my Pop-Tart!
- Today was my cheat day!
- I have huge news.
I'm signing up for
the talent show.
I know it's last minute, but I
will not take "no" for an answer.
And you won't have to.
There's like 14 spots left.
Then consider it your lucky day
'cause you just got
yourself your opening act.
Okay, you seem way
too fired up about this.
Let me be painfully clear.
This is a holiday talent
show. None of it matters.
Oh, it matters.
This is the game-changer I need
to become the most popular
kid in high school once again!
It's really not.
Honestly, this isn't some
high-stakes, life-defining event.
It's just a wasted night.
Then it's up to me
to prove you wrong.
No! Do not use me to
raise the stakes any further.
Just sign up and move on.
Mr. Glascott!
Big news, I'm gonna sing
We Didn't Start the
Fire at the talent show.
No one cares!
What he means to say is you
can do anything but that song.
I'm opening the show with it.
You can't just take my song.
I'm just doing as my
sensei, Pops, commands.
Pops isn't your sensei.
He's my Jedi Master,
and he'd never tell you to
do the same song as me!
Hey, Barry, heard you were
opening the talent show with Billy Joel.
Why, yes, I am, Jamie Weisman.
See you there.
What do you know?
It's already working.
How the hell did she already
know you were doing the show?
It literally just happened.
ADULT ADAM: She knew
because Barry woke up early
and posted a few
fliers around school...
A few hundred.
Balls!
"Holiday Talent Show
featuring Barry Joel"?
Don't worry. I'm still
gonna sing our song.
It's kind of feeling like
your brother's song.
It does feel that way.
ADULT ADAM: It was the
second day of Hanukkah,
and my mom had
her eyes on the prize,
stealing the holiday
back from Lou Schwartz.
Thank you so much for seeing
me last minute, Dr. Schwartz.
That's Lou to you. We're
practically family now.
Aw. Speaking of, I wanted
to thank you for last night
by hosting you guys for the
second night of Hanukkah.
Hold still for drops.
While I do appreciate the offer,
night two is a Schwartz family
favorite, so we'll be hosting it.
Well, your son already
formally RSVP'd.
I cornered him at school, and
he signed the response card.
Fine. You take night two.
We'll do nights
three through eight.
Six nights and the closer?
Okay, then you
can take night four.
The hump day of
Hanukkah? How dare you?
How dare me, what?
I don't understand why
you're so worked up.
Cut the crap, Schwartz!
You're trying to steal
Hanukkah, and it ain't happening.
ADULT ADAM: Like always,
my mom had spiraled out,
but this time, she was right.
- Fine!
- I knew it!
- You got me.
- You are not taking Hanukkah.
Oh, I'm taking it.
I'm taking all the big-ticket
holidays, and you can't stop it.
Oh, I'll stop it when I throw
the most mind-blowing
night two in Hanukkah history!
- You'll see.
- Too bad you won't.
What did you do?
In a few minutes, your
pupils will dilate up real nicely.
Good luck frying up
a latke in a hazy blur.
You blinded me from Hanukkah?
Yes. For three whole hours.
You have made a dangerous
mistake, Lou Schwartz!
Blinding me has
only fueled my anger,
and I will use my rage
to peel more potatoes
- than I've ever peeled!
- Better watch your fingers.
And you better
bring your appetite,
'cause once I sour cream
and applesauce up a latke,
it is game, set, Hanukkah!
This is a war you won't win!
I already have!
ADULT ADAM: As my mom
stumbled off to dominate Hanukkah,
my brother was
mastering Billy Joel's lyrics.
(SINGING) Harry
Truman, Doris Day
ADULT ADAM: Back before Google,
it took patience and a good ear.
Sadly, Barry had neither.
Joe is stallin' Mellor's cough
Nose hairs and pro coffee pots
Rock your fella, salmonella
Chickens say "Bock!"
Toy bone, on the phone
Tossed panini, yay scones
Ben's friend Lew Falls
Walk around the block
Barf-o, booed a breast
Slamma Jamma, crew's chest
Prince is great, paper plates
Trouble with Aunt Suzy
We didn't start the fire
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah, blah, blah...
You get it! What do you think?
I think it's amazing.
Do this song exactly like that, pal.
Never let me stand in your way again.
A more insecure man would
wonder why he's so pleased.
But I'm not such a man.
Bar, I think you messed
up a couple of lyrics there.
Mmm... No.
Dude, whose awful idea was this?
That'd be me.
I'm his sensei.
Mr. Grandpa, sir, I would like to
go on record and respectfully say
that your advice will
destroy Barry's life
and that you suck at this.
ADULT ADAM: While Pops
was regretting the talent show,
my mom couldn't wait to show
the Schwartzes a real Hanukkah.
Knock, knock!
Not sure if you can
see us, but we're here!
Doesn't matter! I can cook
dinner with my eyes closed.
Come on in. Sorry the
place is such a mess.
A mess? Look at this house.
It's like a Hanukkah
winter wonderland.
Yeah, what's the deal?
We usually just light a candle
- and get a lame gift, like dental floss.
- Stop.
When it comes to
the Festival of Lights,
the Goldbergs really
know how to turn it on.
Wow. That is so festive.
And dangerous.
Last thing I'd want is for
you to burst into flames
so we'd have to host
Hanukkah every year.
You know what's
even better? Presents!
A hundred dollars?
That's insane!
That's what you get when
you do Hanukkah here.
Remember that.
And, uh, we have
a gift for Erica.
We do?
Thirty-two dollars.
And a chamois for your glasses.
Don't be silly. It's
time for dinner.
I hope you have enough
room for eight courses.
Prepare your tummies!
- Whoa!
- Damn!
Face it, Schwartz,
you're out of your league.
That's it. We settle
this the way our people
have settled fights
for thousands of years.
- In court?
- No.
With a game of dreidel.
Winner takes all eight nights.
And I never lose with
my lucky spinning top.
Until now.
Let's light this candle.
(DREIDEL SONG PLAYING)
(SINGING ALONG)
Together, we will play
Hey, kiddo.
I've been thinking
about the talent show.
Maybe we should give
that little song back to Adam.
No can do.
I already sent Billy Joel
the parking directions.
No, that's smart,
but I think you'd make
a much bigger splash
by doing something funny.
But it took me forever
to perfectly memorize
every word of that song!
(SHUSHING) You promised
to do everything I say, right?
Yes. Forgive me, sensei.
So, what's your idea?
The greatest Abbott and
Costello routine of all time,
guaranteed to kill.
It's a famous skit about the
players and their funny names.
It's called "Who's on First?"
- Who?
- Exactly! So you know it?
- What?
- Yes! What's on second.
You started this
thing! You tell me!
Okay. Let me clear this
up. Who is the player.
Who is on first.
Why won't you tell me?
You know what? I think you're
gonna need some visuals.
Then you'll know Who's on first.
Who?
(SIGHS)
Okay, now you
can clearly visualize
where each and every player is.
So, who's on first?
Easy. Von Hayes.
No. It's Who.
Who is on first.
I just told you, Von Hayes.
I'm not asking you
about the Phillies lineup.
- I'm telling you. It's Who!
- Von Hayes.
Okay, look at me.
Ask me the name of
the player on third base.
I don't need to ask you.
It's Mike Schmidt, right?
Wrong. This is "I Don't Know."
How do you not
know Mike Schmidt?
He's a Gold Glove winner
and a perennial All-Star!
Barry! Just listen!
Who is on first!
Who! I'm telling you!
Who is the name!
And I told you! His name is...
Don't you dare say Von Hayes!
(MUTTERS) Von Hayes.
Okay.
Now we're literally
on a baseball field
with your friends
holding up the names.
It cannot be any clearer.
So, tell me the name
of the player on third.
I Don't Know.
Barry, do you really not know
or do you know it's I Don't Know.
It's I Don't Know.
And What's on second.
- And Who's on first.
- Yes!
- Yeah, baby!
- Only two hours!
Can we go home now?
One question. Why is it funny?
No one on Earth would
name their son Who!
- He's right.
- Kind of lame.
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna make this actually
funny by changing all the names.
Don't change the names.
First base is Mr. ClownFarts.
Second base is Bob Frapples.
And third base is
Giant (BLEEP) Face.
No! Those aren't real names!
They're more real than
your first baseman, Mr. Who!
It makes no sense!
No parent with the last
name of (BLEEP) Face
would name their
child Giant! Ever!
Then what would they name him?
- Josh!
- Screw it!
I'm going back to
being Barry Joel.
Barry, don't do that show. I'm
just trying to protect you here.
- From what?
- From yourself!
You don't know any of
the words to that song,
and I can't help you
like I did with the karate!
What do you mean, help?
I swapped in a board
made of balsa wood!
Balsa wood better be
the strongest of all woods.
Bro, it breaks
like a Kit Kat bar.
That better be the
strongest of all candy bars.
It's not, dude.
Look, if I didn't actually
break that board,
then the best night of
my life is nothing but a lie.
That's not true, kiddo.
No. I get it.
Even you can't help
me. I'm unfixable.
ADULT ADAM: As
everyone waited for dinner,
my mom's plans to win Hanukkah
were spinning out of control.
Boom! Squiggly again!
Send the bread to
Fred, the Schwartzes win.
Okay, double or nothing.
You win, you get Thanksgiving.
- You're on!
- Okay.
- My turn, I'll spin.
- No, no, no. It's my dreidel!
- I'm the spinner!
- No, no!
Yes! Squiggly! The Goldbergs
are back on the board.
Look at that! You got one.
Game's over. Happy Hanukkah.
Hey! Hey, wait! Wait!
That's six squiggles in a row.
What?
- Is this a loaded dreidel?
- No!
Did you bring a loaded
dreidel into my home?
- There's no such thing.
- Is that right?
(GASPS)
You can prove nothing!
Okay, what is all
the yelling about?
I thought we were
supposed to have dinner.
- Lou, what is going on?
- The kids need to pick!
Which one of us is
gonna be the fun in-laws
you spend all the holidays with?
What are you talking
about? Why is your shoe off?
He was cheating at dreidel!
Okay, everybody stop!
There is no holiday
house! We're just dating!
- Pick right now!
- Erica, say us.
Say us or I have no daughter.
You have to pick me, Geoffrey,
or you're out of my will forever!
You know, the whole
point of this holiday
was for our families to
get to know each other.
Yeah. Thanks for ruining it.
(DREIDEL SONG PLAYING)
ADULT ADAM: My mom may
have lost her precious holiday,
but I had found my new
act for the talent show.
Okay. What am I looking at here?
Not that it's any
of your business,
but I'm working on a new
super-sexy act for the talent show.
Put the scarves away, kiddo.
You can do the Billy Joel song.
What? Barry gave up?
Just on me.
He finally came to me for
help, and I let him down.
No, don't do that! Don't
make me feel sad for him.
The guy stole my song
and my Jedi grandpa.
Kiddo, I've helped you your
whole life, and now I need your help.
Hey, can we talk
about the talent show?
Look, if Pops sent you in here,
tell him I'm not doing
his stupid comedy routine.
Forget about "Who's on First?"
I'm here to tell
you to do the song.
Please. We both
know I suck at it.
That's why we're gonna combine
your rap skills and showmanship
with my greatest talent,
audio-video wizardry.
ADULT ADAM: And so,
united by our sensei granddad,
me and Barry decided
he wouldn't just rap.
He wouldn't just sing.
He'd rap-sing the most important
song in our school's history.
Barry Goldberg, JTP
William Penn Academy
Fighting Quakers, North Philly
Principal Ball
Coach Mellor is good at sports
And he wears those tiny shorts
Cecil the janitor is
mopping up the hall
It's true!
He mopped up something
I spilled this morning!
Mr. Glascott is a nerd
Feather Locklear is his bird
Miss Tabs habla Espanol
Lunch lady is really old
Mr. Woodburn is so mean
Cinoman's the drama queen
Then there's Doc throwin' chalk
That guy is out of control
Burnouts, nerds, and jocks
Jamie Weisman's really hot
Taz Money, Dave Kim
Chad Kremp, what's up with him?
Jackie and my brother Ad
My sensei is my granddad
Watch me flip this on the floor
I can't take it anymore
Yeah!
Ohhh!
Mr. Glascott! Come
quick! It's super important!
No, it's not. None
of this matters.
But Barry started a fire!
Dang it! It does matter!
It matters real bad!
- (SONG CONTINUES)
- We didn't start the fire
Hello.
Hi. My wife made you a kugel.
Mmm. Smells delicious.
You both really know your
way around a Hanukkah dish.
Right back at you.
You were right.
Never take on Beverly
Goldberg in a Hanukkah war.
What do you say we stop
worrying about the future
and just enjoy the great
kids we have right now?
I'd love that.
What?
You'll get used to
it. We're family now.
ADULT ADAM: That night, my
mom started a new holiday tradition,
and Barry didn't
just start a fire,
he started his comeback.
- (SONG CONTINUES)
- And on and on and on and on and on
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning...
ADULT ADAM: And as for my mom,
she realized the best
way to spend the holidays
was together.
What's all this?
We decided to share the holiday.
There's enough nights to go around.
ADULT ADAM: In the end,
the holidays aren't about
the number of nights
you have to celebrate.
All that matters
is you're together,
laughing, eating,
and making memories.
(ALL GASP)
(SIGHS)
ADAM: Mom! Stop
watching me sleep!
BEVERLY: Can I just
get one head sniff?
ADAM: Mom, just
say, "Night, night."
- BEVERLY: Night, night.
- (LOUD STOMPING)
ADAM: I know you're still
there! I see the sweater!
BEVERLY: Fine! I'll go for real!
(DOOR CLOSES)
(DREIDEL SONG PLAYING)
ADAM: This is my
worst nightmare!