The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Weird Science - full transcript

Beverly and Murray move Erica into college where her roommate is also named Erica. Later, Beverly has a hard time letting go and ends up sleeping over in the dorm, much to Erica's dismay. Meanwhile, Adam tries to give Barry the perfect girlfriend, even trying to build one like in the movie "Weird Science," as he embarks into his senior year.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the
'80s, my life changed forever

when I saw the
movie Weird Science.

For a geek like me,
nothing was cooler

than two social outcasts
using their tricked-out computer

to create a magical dream-woman.

Was it absurd? Sure.

Did it stop me? No.


By the way, why are we
wearing bras on our heads?


- Cut.
- So how'd we do?

May I just point out
how incredibly flawed

the gender politics
of all of this is?

Please don't judge me.

I just have an unhealthy desire

to live in each and every
John Hughes movie.

I'm just hoping
this actually works

and we magically create a
foxy babe for me to smooch on.

Wait, you do realize
none of this is real.

Let Dave Kim have this.



It worked?

Yes! I built an Erica.

Hey, weirdos. I'm leaving for college
in 30 minutes, and I need my bras.

Ooh! I put it on my head!

You told me these
belonged to your grandma.

Which is not much better
now that I say it out loud.

Okay, I'm off to college.

Adam, I'll miss you.
Dave Kim, the opposite.

You keep telling yourself that.

ADULT ADAM: I particularly
related to the brother dynamics.

Wyatt was bullied by Chet,
and I had to live with Barry.

Hey, that's my serving
of fruit for the day.

Then maybe you
should have some punch.


Okay, morons.

We're only gonna be
gone for three days.

Try and be alive
when we get back.

All right, that's everything.

Whoa, what's all this stuff?

When I went to college, all I brought
were some flip-flops and a cookie.

Hold on, Shmoo. There
is one thing you forgot.

Time to give
Mama all the kisses.

Come on, dude. Really?

It's what we've done every first
day of school since kindergarten.

Now, give me all the kisses
so I can store them away

for a rainy day like
little love-acorns.

No, I don't even
remember how to do it.


Eskimo kiss,

butterfly kiss,

cheek kiss, cheek kiss,

and one last kiss for your palm

to ball up and
stick in your heart.

Gotcha. Well, I am gonna
put this in my bag for later.

Don't put my kiss in
your dark duffel bag.

Take it out and
put it in your heart.

Stick my kiss in your heart.

ERICA: I don't want the
kiss, Mom. Okay, okay. Stop.

I will take your precious
kiss out of the dark bag

and put it in my heart.

Fake out. It's gone.

No! I caught it, and I'm
throwing it back to you.

- No, take it back.
- You take it.

- Take this kiss, Mom.
- You keep it.

I'm not going to
college with a kiss.

- You're killing me.
- Quit it.

I don't want it!

This is gonna
be a long car ride.

Weird science

ADULT ADAM: It was August 27,
1980-something, college move-in day,

or for my mom,
the end of the world.

I can't believe we're already
moving you into college.

It seems like only yesterday,

I was trying to get your
preschool teacher fired

for letting you smell
those toxic markers.

I hate this humidity.

It feels like someone opened up a
dishwasher mid-cycle in my pants.

You can change your swampy
chinos when you get to Erica's room.

Got it.

Listen, I know it's
hard to say goodbye,

which is why I'm giving
you a very generous

three hours to part ways. Cool?

Not cool. I need six to 20.

Mom, look around.
Where are we right now?

D.C. School of the Arts.

And who got in off
the wait-list last-minute,

enraging Dad 'cause he
lost his deposit at Emory?

- You.
- Point is, I know it goes

against everything you stand
for, but you have to say goodbye.

Bye. Bye, now.


- See you on the flip-flop.
- What are you doing?

Practicing the different
ways of saying goodbye.

It's gonna be very hard
when that day comes.

- That day is now.
- Leave that.

Go get the rest of
your stuff out of the car,

and I'll help you unpack.


By any chance, are you
Erica Goldberg's RA?

Yes. I'm Srini. You
must be Erica's mother.

Don't worry. Your
daughter's in great hands.

That is so good to hear.

Now shut your (BLEEP)
mouth and do everything

- I'm about to tell you.
- Oh, dear.

You might be the other kids' RA,

but when it comes to
my little pickle, you're me.

It's your job to see that she's
fed, well-rested, and regular.

Actually, I'm pretty sure my
job is to hand out pamphlets

and make sure no one's
being loud after 10:00.

Not anymore.

Here's a variety of medicines to help
with Erica's allergies and sour tummy.

Now, if flu season
comes early this year,

how's your chicken soup game?

Soup's really not my area.
I'm more of a resident adviser.

You have a freezer
in your mini-fridge.

Keep this in there in
case of emergencies.

I can take out the tiny little ice tray,
but I'm still not sure that would fit.

You have given me zero confidence
that you are up for this important task.

I agree. I'm not up to it.

There she is. There's my baby.

Erica, this is Srini, your RA.

Hi. I'm Erica. I hope
my mom is behaving.

- Um, she's... Uh...
- So, what room am I in?

Um, 103 with Erica Coolidge.

Oh, no.

You're both named
Erica. Please don't be mad.

It's crazy how much you care.

Erica, you're in
very good hands.

Hey! Hi, I'm your roommate,
apparently also Erica.

Like, hi.

I totally for sure
call top bunk,

mostly 'cause your dad
already took the bottom.

Your roomie's a valley girl.

Just like in that movie where
everybody's rude and unlikable.

She'll be gone very soon.
Anyway, it's nice to finally meet.

- For sure.
- For sure.

- For sure.
- For sure.

- For sure.
- For sure.

Or whatever. I'm not
mocking your people.

This is so great. You two are gonna
be best friends for the rest of your...

Oh, no! Is that a hot
plate? That has got to go.

You're gonna burn the place down.
You know, that's how Buddy Holly died.

Bevy, Buddy Holly
died in a plane crash.

We don't know there wasn't
a hot plate on that plane.

She'll be gone soon,
Erica. Just hang in there.

She's totally a barf
bag, but I'll manage.

I was actually
talking to myself.

- Sorry I called your mom a barf bag.
- No, no. Your instincts are good.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
couldn't wait to lose my mom,

my brother was
trying to find love.

Prepare yourselves, ladies.
The impossible is now possible.

- Barry Goldberg is on the open market.
- What is this?

Your destiny.

So, who amongst
you is ready to battle

in a Thunderdome-like
cage match for my affection?

Dude, what world do you
live in? You're, like, a 2 at best.

ADULT ADAM: Naturally, Barry
was delighted by the flirtation

until he realized just
how bad he got burned.

Like always, he took it out
on me and my pudding cup.


Huge news, baby brother.

My senior year of
awesome begins now.

I've got a three-part plan
to achieve legendary status.

Step 1, lock down a new girlfriend
way hotter and smarter than Lainey.

I'm realistic,

which is why I've allotted
48 hours for her to find me.

It's in her court now.

Step 2, become starting
varsity power forward?

Weren't you kicked off the
basketball team in seventh grade?

Well, Coach McCoy said I could join
the team after I learned how to pass.

But he died, so
the ball-hog's back.

- Next?
- Wait. Step 3 is me.

What does that even mean?

I've penciled you in for a
daily display of dominance

and humiliation to
boost my visibility

in front of the more
popular, meaner kids.

It's so detailed.

Purple nurples, dead
arms, swirlies, butt hat.

What's a butt hat?

I hate this hat. Take it off!

Show's over, folks.

You did good work today, champ.

Love you.

- Well, we now know what a butt hat is.
- This is bad.

Without Lainey around,
Barry's gonna concentrate

all his horrible energy on me.

Well, there's only one thing left
to do, find him a new girlfriend.

- Let me help.
- Don't.

He has a wildly unrealistic
view of his general appeal.

- Lainey fell for him, right?
- She was a unicorn.

There's no way we'll ever find someone
so blind to Barry's idiocy ever again.

Well, maybe I can. Just give me
a list of the things he's looking for

and we can find him a girl.

I'll try, but he doesn't
really open up to me

besides his butt
cheeks to make a hat.

Yeah, I wouldn't
keep bringing that up.

ADULT ADAM: As I enlisted
Jackie to help find a girl for Barry,

Erica had finally found peace
in her dorm, or, so she thought.

Oh, there you are.

I have something
special for you.

That's like every lame
RA pamphlet that exists.

Please, just take them.

And maybe, please, let your
mom know that I gave them to you.


Wow. Right in front of me.

I just met a totally radical
guitarist, so don't wait up.

Really? 'Cause I thought that we could
hang out and get to know each other.

I feel like I already know you

because your mom's been
telling me, like, a lot of stories.

Why are my parents still here?

Your dad napped and then
took a cab back to the hotel.

He's a sweaty man.

Anyway, like, bye.

ADULT ADAM: Erica knew it
was time to send my mom home...


But my mom brought
our entire home to her.

This seems concerning.

I made it look just
like your old bedroom

so you wouldn't get homesick.

I even brought Donnie,

your favorite new boy
in the neighborhood.

He's a New Kid on the Block,

he doesn't belong
here, and neither do you.

Just please go.

I can't leave now.
It's dark outside.

- So?
- So, I have horrible night vision

and can't get behind the wheel.

You have a perfectly good
bed back at your motel.

You need to get
in the car and go.

And miss a turn and
hit a semi and flip the car

and end up pinned
under the steering wheel

while the station
wagon burns around me?

Is that what you
want for your mother?

ADULT ADAM: It was classic
Bev guilt, which totally worked.

College is fun.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
settled in for a co-ed nightmare,

Barry was dreaming about
his old flame Lainey Lewis.

Hey, handsome.

Just for fun and
no other reason,

what qualities are you
looking for in a lover?

Wait, why are you asking me
about beautiful bikini babes?

I just thought, maybe, I could
help you find a new girlfriend

to start your year of awesome.

Why would I let someone who wears
my butt as a hat set me up with a girl?

ADULT ADAM: As expected, Barry
wasn't biting, so I had to get creative.

Too bad, 'cause my plan was to
Weird Science you up a hot girl.

Dude, a computer
can't really do that.

It can do anything.

Did you know a computer just defeated
the world's greatest chess champion?

- In chess?
- Yes!

No! Why wasn't I told?

Stupid Dan Rather!

Just jot down some things
you might like in a lady,

and I'll use your list to whip
you up a hot babe of your liking.

While I'm excited to put
all my eggs in this basket,

I still need scientific proof.

Mr. Connelly, it's a
scholastic emergency!

Come as fast as you can.

You're a really good
science teacher.

- I got a question.
- No, no.

- Don't bother the man.
- Zip it, little nerd.

I need to talk to the big nerd.

Sir, in your expert
scientific opinion,

is it possible for me to
Weird Science up a girlfriend?

ADULT ADAM: It was game-over.

Scientifically speaking...

ADULT ADAM: My teacher
always took science seriously.


ADULT ADAM: Until he didn't.

I knew it! Watch
out, Kelly LeBrock.

Big Tasty's coming for you.

Why would you lie like that?

Between you and me,

I have a butt-wad of
an older brother, too.

You know, I'm using that movie to find
him a girlfriend so he won't beat me up.

Would he actually fall for that?

Dude, come on!

Let's go make me
this girl already.

Every week, he surprises us.

Whoo! Year of awesome!

was so psyched to be spending

the first night of college with
Erica, she literally couldn't sleep.

Okay, stop. What are you doing?

Assembling your safety credenza.

First aid, fire ladder,
canned foods, powdered milk,

and a handheld siren to alert
rescuers when you're caught in rubble.

It's really loud. Want to hear?

I am in college. I don't
need any credenzas.

Now go to bed before someone
finds out that you're still here.

Evening, Erica.

I wanted to inform you and
Erica of tonight's freshman mixer

that the school has
mandated me to throw.

"Jamaican' Me Crazy" party?

Ya, mon!

This doesn't come
naturally to me.

Can this be over, now?

As long as you're there.
The kids you meet tonight

might end up being
your friends for life.

Of course, my college friends
are now doctors and lawyers

while I pursue a foolish dream of
making art from everyday garbage.

Like Nick from Family Ties?

It was my idea first.

Anyway, thanks for the invite,
but I have company in here already.

As in romantic company?

Why do you care?

I just don't know what
I'm gonna tell your mother!

She got to you, didn't she?
You've been compromised.

Srini betrayed
me! Open that door.

No way! No one can ever
know about this shameful night.

Is that a fire alarm?
I hear a fire alarm.

Mom, relax. This is college.

Kids pull alarms
every two seconds.

No, you're right. You're right.

I'll just hang here and
keep a low profile...

And I smell smoke!


Follow the sound of
my hand siren to safety.

Oh, dear. Oh, my.

ADULT ADAM: Mom was right. Hot
plates and dumb college kids do not mix.

Please refer to the
pamphlet on fire evacuation

I provided earlier...

Or just run for your lives!

Make a hole, people!
Make a hole! Make a hole!

Erica Dorothy Goldberg,
you come find your mama!

College is fun.

ADULT ADAM: While my sister's
freshman year went up in flames,

I had to bring Barry's
cool new girlfriend to life,

or at least make
it seem like that.


Let's get weird.

What are my
responsibilities here, again?

I needed bras,

and you're the only guy I
knew who could get them.

Time to hack into NASA.

hack into NASA we did.

All we needed was my
trusty modem, a little luck,

and my girlfriend
on the other end

pretending to be the most
powerful space agency in the world.

It's working. We're
making a lady.

With Barry on board, it
was time for the next phase,

figure out his taste.

As you can see, NASA needs to know
exactly what your dream-girl looks like.

Again, this is just
between me, you,

the American space
program, and no one else.

That makes me feel safer
about opening up to you.

- Sure.
- Tell NASA she has to have

Heather Locklear's
eyes, Julia Roberts' smile,

Delta Burke's top
stuff, Bo Derek's hair,

but most important,

Chuck Norris' sense of justice.

- Oy vey.
- Time to press that button

and make that closet explode
with lightning and hot ladies.

ADULT ADAM: But, naturally,
Barry's dream woman didn't exist,

so I had to get
him back on track.

Odd. It's not working.

What the hell, man?
You promised me a lady.

I already spent a fortune
on candles and erotic oils!

I think the computer
just needs more data,

for example, grounded,
realistic qualities

you could find in women you'd
see in everyday life or at our school.

Give me that typer!

I'll punch in all the
lady data it can handle.

This list is ridiculous.

How am I supposed to find a
girl who likes "sensual karate"

and "can kick a
50-yard field goal"?

Good news is he's looking
for a very specific kind of gal.

"Ability to communicate with
dolphins and a savage tan"?

Adam, this list is insane.

Look, this began with me
worrying about my physical safety,

but now I think Barry
really needs this.

Okay, sure. I'll try
to find someone

with "Morgan
Fairchild's side-butt."

- I don't even know what that is.
- I believe in you.

I put my faith in Jackie,

my sister was losing faith
that my mom would ever leave.

So, I guess it doesn't
matter if I go on record

- and say, "I'm sorry."
- No.

I allotted you a very fair
three hours to say goodbye.

Instead, I'm forever known
as the girl who had her mommy

sleep in her dorm on
the first night of school.

Honey, this is college.

There's no judgment here.

You let your mom sleep
over on the first night?

That is very memorable.

In a negative way.

That's it. You are leaving right
now, and never coming back.

The sun's up, so
there are no excuses.

I might have
out-stayed my welcome,

but that's because
saying goodbye is so hard.

No! I'm supposed to be
making life-long friends,

and you took it away from me

because you refuse
to say goodbye.

Fine. I'll go.

Right after brunch,

and then we'll spend a few
hours at the Smithsonian,

and then to top it all off, you
have to give Mama all the kisses.

You can forget about
getting all the kisses.

- Not even butterfly?
- No!

Surely, Eskimo kisses
are still on the table.

You will never again experience

the warm nose-love of
our chilly Native friends.

That is literally the worst thing a
daughter has ever said to a mother.

swore off coming home forever,

I swore Jackie and I had found
the perfect girl for Barry's senior year.

Barry, great news!
I have a girl for you.

Yes! I knew science was real.

I don't think that
was up for debate.

I meant Jackie found someone.

You gave her my lady recipe?

That was for NASA's eyes only!

I know. But she found someone

who's got everything
you asked for. Right?

I didn't hit everything
on your list,

but at the top, you asked
for a girl, and I got that part.

That's not nothing,
mister. I got goosebumps.

Let's stop talking and
bring out our mystery girl.


Carla? Are you insane?

She's a loose cannon,
and not the good kind

like a vigilante cop

who endlessly frustrates
his commissioner.

It's true. The court-appointed
psychiatrist gave up on me.

I didn't even know you liked me.

I don't. But he dated
Lainey, and she's my rival,

so I'm taking what's hers.

Give me her address so I can
send her photos of us in love.

No. I don't want this aggressive
loony toon as my special lady.

- Well, that's all we got.
- Thanks, Adam.

You've officially made
a mockery of our plan

to have a computer
print out a girl for me.

Oh, my God, dude!

Weird Science isn't real!

There will never be
a year of awesome

or girls fighting over
you in a Thunderdome,

and you're not gonna
live with Kathy Ireland!

All you are is Barry!

Believe me. I know.

And I know that
movie's just a movie.

Then why did you...

I just wanted to believe
things would be okay.

That... That...

Lainey wasn't a fluke.

That someone would
actually love me again.

- Barry...
- No.

You're right.

Looks like I'm back to being me.

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to
me, Barry had hit rock bottom,

so it was time for me
to get him back on top.

What's this?

I've revised your daily ass-kicking
schedule for your year of awesome.

Go away. I don't need your pity.

Before you reject my
offer, I think you'll agree

that I've really jazzed
up your options.

- No.
- Yes.

You get to pants me in
public, and not just anywhere,

at the first pep
rally of the year.

In front of the entire school?

That'd be the Holy Grail of
younger-brother humiliation.

Indeed. And I'm offering
it to you wearing this.


That's a loose garment
ideal for pantsing.

But it gets better.

ADULT ADAM: It really did.

I then presented Barry with the ultimate
little-brother sacrifice, my drawstring.

The uncinched sweats will be
loose beyond your wildest dreams.

Have you gone mad?

To get you back to
your rightful place on top,

I would rip the drawstring from
every loose-fitting pant I own.


You really are a good brother.


none of this changes
the fact that Lainey's gone

and I'll never find
anyone like her.

Listen, Weird Science might not
be real, but you'll find your dream girl.

I know it in my heart.

- You think?
- Of course.

Someone's gonna see
what Lainey saw in you,

what I see in you,

and that's a legend.


I don't know whether to
give you a hug or a butt hat.

Both sound very uncomfortable.

Let's start with this.

that, I helped Barry realize

that he could still have
an epic senior year,

even if it wasn't quite
what he imagined.

Morning, or whatever.

Same clothes. Fun night?

From what I hear,
not as fun as the night

you had with your mommy?

So, want to help me
take down all this crap?

ADULT ADAM: That day,
Erica finally got her new start

by letting go of the past.

But sometimes
that's not so easy.

That's a cute photo.

It was the first day
of kindergarten.

I was so scared, and she
stayed with me the whole day.

That's a good mom.

Damn it, why do I miss her?

Seriously, something's
wrong with me.

I mean, yeah, your folks
are weird and intrusive,

but they were here.

My parents were
too busy to come.

And that's bad?

I didn't think it was until I
saw your mother cared enough

to bring your home right here.

You're lucky.

And, thanks to Erica,

Erica realized how
fortunate she really was.

"Bad night vision"? Really?

That is a real thing.

I hear my dad complaining
about it all the time.


- My baby's back!
- Mom, I'm just here to say goodbye.

So, you don't hate me?

Look, I know I've been pushing
you away since we got here.

I guess it's just
easier to do that

than actually
accept that this is it.

So, now what?

so, after everything,

my mom got exactly
what she wanted.

The idea that
leaving for college

was just as hard for my
sister as it was for her.

And one last kiss in your palm

for you to ball up
and stick in your heart.

Just half a chance

Make sure that
one night you're here

But next night, you're not...

ADULT ADAM: As for Barry,
well, he realized his senior year

could be a little easier
if he teamed up with me.

Here you go, little bro.




It's kind of sweet how you
look after your little brother.





end, you'd be surprised

what a little help from your
loved ones can do for you.

No matter how far away you are,

you can always keep
a little piece of home

close to your heart.


Hey, Jackie. Are you
staying for dinner?

I'm making chicken-fried
chicken Parm.

Thanks, but I
should just get going.

Eskimo kiss.

Butterfly kiss.

Cheek kiss. Cheek kiss.

And one last kiss in your palm

so you can ball it up
and stick it in your heart.

I taught her all the kisses.

You don't mind, do you?