The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Recipe for Death II: Kiss the Cook - full transcript
Adam makes his own action movie, but an unlikely replacement steps in when Barry goes missing for playing the lead.
ADULT ADAM: The '80s were the pinnacle
of the badass, jacked-up action hero.
They tore up the movie screen
and inspired every kid to
let out their inner commando.
Dude! It's like
looking into a mirror!
(MIMICKING ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER) I'll be back.
You're not going
anywhere, mister.
You got schmutz all over your
face. Here, let Mama get it off.
No! I'm Commando.
Commando? No, no, no.
Go put some undies on. You're
gonna chafe your little gumdrops.
ADULT ADAM: Yep. Growing up,
a new Arnold movie was an event.
Remember, Sully, when
I promised to kill you last?
That's right, Matrix, you did!
I lied.
Schwarzenegger really
is the coolest man alive.
And his acting gets slightly
better in every movie.
Hoo-hoo!
Look at Commando go!
He just punched that guy dead!
ADULT ADAM: Like
most dads in the '80s,
Murray Goldberg loved
action movies as much as me.
No, Commando!
Don't go in that shed!
Adam, Commando won't listen!
(WHISPERING) You
know who is listening?
(NORMAL VOICE)
The entire theater!
ADULT ADAM: But my dad
just couldn't contain himself.
Incredible!
That had everything
you want in a movie!
Explosions, revenge,
a steam pipe being
thrown through a guy.
All movies should be Commando.
Or Rambo.
Or any action movie with
an "O" on the end, I'm in.
ADULT ADAM: For the first time,
me and my dad had
something in common.
Naturally, I'd
use it for my gain.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Arnold said six lines in that movie
and your dad talked over every one?
No! This is my
big ticket to get him
to finally pony up some dough
for a homemade action movie!
- Dude, when are you gonna learn?
- What?
It's like every week
you go to your dad
and ask him to support one
of your insanely geeky hobbies.
(SCOFFS) Name one.
Robots, swords, video games,
Space Camp, D&D, Magic, Fraggles,
a new computer so you could
"Weird Science" up a hot girl.
I live a rich life, Dave Kim!
But this time's
gonna be different
'cause for the first time,
we love the same thing.
He can't say no!
And yet, I think
he'll find a way.
ADULT ADAM: And so began
the presentation of a lifetime.
Evening, Dad. Full disclosure.
I'm gonna do that thing
where I present you
with an awesome idea
and ask you to fund it.
Kiddo, please don't put
us all through this again.
It's hard to watch.
Not this time!
I've decided to make
my first action movie.
And I need you to help
me realize my vision.
Behold!
- It's called Recipe for Death.
- I'm in.
I play John Cook,
the street-wise chef
whose brother was
kidnapped by the mafia.
Now the only thing I serve
- is vengeance.
- I'm in.
Let me finish
before you mock me.
My movie stars the world's
biggest, baddest action hero.
He's not from
Austria, like Arnold,
or Belgium, like Van Damme,
or wherever Steven
Seagal is from.
Probably Central Florida.
No! This superstar
lives in our house!
Me.
Stop talking! I'm in!
We get it, you're out,
just let the poor yutz finish.
What part of "I'm in" don't
you get? The answer is yes.
Oh, sweet balls! I've
never made it this far.
What do I ask
for? I'm panicking.
He's having some sort of
episode. Get everything you can.
Just take my 80 bucks.
Dear Lord! This is
a big-budget movie!
I'm making a big-budget movie!
Yoo-yah! (GRUNTS)
I'm already regretting this.
Too late!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day
ADULT ADAM: It was
November 9th, 1980-something,
and my sister was
obsessed with the one thing
every teen girl loved, fashion.
Seriously! That dress could
literally not get any radder.
It's a sweater
dress from Benetton.
They can take even the
lamest and lumpiest of all clothes
and make it sleek and sexy.
Well, Benetton is the
Italian word for "style."
I agree.
It's the perfect dress for
our homecoming party.
Me and Barry are
gonna look so classy.
God! I want a
sweater dress so bad.
- I wish I could afford it.
- Maybe you can get a job.
And maybe you can try and help
me instead of talking nonsense.
Well, then just ask your
mom to buy it for you.
No way! Shopping
with her is a nightmare.
She always turns it into a
daylong bonding marathon
with brunch and mani-pedis
and ice cream and long talks.
You mean like a loving mom
who you can always count on?
Ugh, I know, right?
Well, the question you
have to ask yourself is
how bad do you want
that sweater dress?
ADULT ADAM: The answer?
Bad. So bad that she did this.
Mommy, remember that one
time when I lived in your tummy?
(GASPS) So weird. I was
just thinking about that.
Anyway, can we go
shopping for a dress?
Wait, to clarify,
I'm being invited to go shopping
by you, my delicious little pickle.
Yeah, that's me. A
pickle. Whatever it takes.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Oh!
I just had to capture the moment
so I could remember it forever.
The moment when my
daughter became my best friend.
So that's a yes?
Heck, yes! Grab your coat!
Look out, Gimbels! The
Goldberg gals are coming in hot!
Actually, I was
thinking a different store.
Oh, but everybody loves Gimbels.
Yeah, it's like traveling back to
a simpler, less-fashionable era.
- I was thinking more Benetton.
- Ooh, yes.
That's the place where
you order the meats
and they cook them
right there next to you
and then they flip the
meats into your mouth
and then you eat the meats.
- That's Benihana.
- Okay, then.
So, Gimbels first,
then flying meats,
then we get our nails
done, then a sherbet stop,
then I gotta pick up
your dad's prescription,
then paddle boating in the
park, and then who knows?
The moon!
(CHUCKLING)
I just want a sweater
that's also a dress.
ADULT ADAM: Lucky for
Erica, Gimbels wasn't an option.
"Going out of business"?
What could that possibly mean?
I think that means they're
going out of business.
Gimbels is the biggest
shopping chain in America.
That's like saying
Blockbuster Video shut down,
or B. Dalton Books, or
Circuit City. It's impossible!
It seems possible and
very much happening.
I think you need to
shut your face-mouth!
I'm sorry. This is the
worst day of my life.
No. No way. Why are they
naked? Give them their decency!
They need bulky khakis
and nylon blouses!
Calm down, Mom.
It's just a store.
Not to me. I've had my
best memories there.
Just think of all the
coupons I've doubled.
All the managers I've made cry.
All the clothes I've
worn for a decade
and then returned,
no questions asked.
No wonder they're
going out of business.
Now I'm store-less, Erica.
Life will never be the same.
Hey. It doesn't matter
that Gimbels is closing.
What matters is that we're
spending time together.
Now, come on.
Let's buy me stuff.
ADULT ADAM: While
Erica was playing my mom,
I was about to play my
cinematic masterpiece
for my producer, my dad.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
Yah!
(GUNSHOT)
(GUNSHOT)
- Cool, right?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Lots of good stuff there.
Dad, you're actually
interested in my movie!
I want your feedback. Good
or bad. We're partners on this.
Partners? Okay then.
Well, it's all dark
and hard to see.
There were some lighting
challenges. Note taken.
And the camera
shakes like crazy.
- Camera's kinda heavy, so...
- Also, it sounds like crap.
Wow. Lotta thoughts.
And it looks cheap as hell.
All right, maybe ease off.
Like a washed-out,
crummy public-access show
that's on at midnight.
- I'm just a boy!
- I gave you $80 to make a real movie.
You said you were gonna
do some real "Van Damage."
Look, a film camera and lights
and boom mic cost a ton of money.
It's not just going
to fall in my lap.
- Here's the stuff. Make it good.
- Wow!
Where'd you score this?
My cousin Russ films
bar mitzvahs for a living.
He said you could borrow it.
Whoa, wait. All this
time, I've had access
to high-tech Hollywood film
equipment, and you've never told me?
I guess I never
connected the dots.
Oh, my God.
There's, like, a warm
sensation inside my heart.
Don't make it weird.
It's like you're one of
those dads in the stands
cheering me on 'cause I'm good
at athletic-sport competitions.
You made it weird. Now,
just take the stuff and go.
Now that I'm a real director,
I've gotta write a
script and hire a crew...
And hire your leading man?
You've come to the right place.
And I accept your offer.
We didn't come to
you, and there's no offer.
Wait. Maybe this is the one time
Barry would actually be helpful.
This is the one time, bro!
I've extensively studied
the work of Chuck Norris
and know what it takes
to be a badass action star.
Karate!
Stunts!
(GROANS)
Acting. Surprise! Anger!
Surprise! Anger!
And most important, love scene.
No. Please don't
show us love scene.
Oh, sweet Lord.
He's never getting married.
Adam, a word. Are
you serious about this?
The guy's a moron.
- He's your son.
- That's how I know!
Trust me. Barry's
gonna be amazing.
- Also, I have no other options.
- So do I have the part?
- No.
- Yes.
I see what's happening.
You're negotiating.
I will reduce my
normal fee of $1 million
and will work for
free. No, wait. $1,000!
No. I'll pay you!
Damn it. I blew it.
ADULT ADAM: While Barry
was preparing for his new role,
my mom wasn't at all
prepared for Benetton.
Welcome to the
future of clothing.
The United Colors of Benetton.
It's very bright
and it smells weird.
Forget Gimbels.
This will be just as fun.
Hey. What's the one thing you love
doing most when we go shopping?
Nodding yes or no
as you try on outfits
like they do in the movies.
Well, then get ready to nod yes
because we have some shopping to do.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh-uh.
I used to think maybe you
loved me Now, baby, I'm sure
Stop shaking no.
I need a yes. Shake yes!
I can't shake yes.
Just try.
It won't do it. My neck
loves Gimbels too much.
Well, I don't care
about your stupid neck
as long as your
credit card is nodding.
I'm trying.
(SIGHS) Perhaps a
dollop of tuna salad
from the Benetton cafe
will calm my nerves.
There is no cafe.
Oh, (BLEEP) no!
I will find tuna.
Give me (BLEEP) tuna!
What kind of store
doesn't have tuna?
ADULT ADAM: It was
the morning of the shoot,
and while my star
was ready to shine,
my dad was ready
to pull the plug.
And the Oscar for
Best Actor goes to...
Barry Norman Goldberg!
A lot of other actors
would say, "Thank you."
I'm saying, "You're welcome."
Hey, Barry, are you sure
this is how you want
to spend your Saturday?
Dude. This movie is
gonna be my calling card,
and it'll make Jamie
Lee Curtis notice me.
Don't tell Lainey! No, wait,
tell her. She needs to know.
All right, first off, I wouldn't
rock the boat of that relationship.
And secondly, I think I saw
your Jenkintown Boys Club
down at the Wawa parking lot.
The JTP? Who was leading them?
I don't know. Some new guy.
- Was it Dan?
- Sure.
Stupid Dan. I will challenge
him to a game of smashball
and reassert my dominance.
(TIRES SCREECH)
ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
when it came to being a producer,
my dad knew how to get
exactly what he wanted.
Why would he pass
on the role of a lifetime?
Why? We're screwed blue!
We have no time to recast.
I'm way ahead of you.
Coach is here and
ready for his close-up!
I am your clay. Mold me.
Coach Mellor? He's our star?
Oh, yeah. I slipped him the
script. He responded to the material.
Well, I guess you're my only
option, so you got the part.
- You honor me.
- Do you know your lines?
I memorized the whole
script. I love the zingers.
My favorite one...
"See you ladle."
I like how you wrote "ladle"
instead of "later." 'Cause I'm a cook.
"See you ladle"?
I didn't write that.
That'd be me. I did some
noodling with the script, partner.
Dad! You can't
rewrite my script!
But you didn't have any snappy
one-liners like Arnold says.
That's the best part
of an action movie.
Now you got a bunch of 'em.
Sear you later.
Spat-u-later.
Cheese ya grater.
They are all the same!
Dad, I appreciate the support,
but this is still my movie.
Hey. Everyone knows that
you're the creative vision
behind Recipe for Death 2.
Two? We haven't
even filmed part one.
The best action movies
are always the sequel,
so we're just skipping
ahead to the good stuff.
Know what? We're a team.
The important thing here is
we're working on this together.
Pops, I need a new producer.
Done. What am I producing?
- 80 bucks and no back talk.
- I'm in.
ADULT ADAM: While I had found a
way to push my dad out of the picture,
Erica had finally
found her new look.
- Find everything you need?
- (GRUMBLING) Mmm-mmm.
We did. Thank you.
Whatever.
I have a coupon.
Oh, I'm sorry, this
coupon is for Gimbels.
Correct. It's a competitor's
coupon, so you match the price.
And when we're done here,
I'm gonna need this back
so I can use it at other stores.
Yeah, we don't really
consider Gimbels a competitor
because we're fresh and cool
and hip and fun, and they're closing.
Oh, God. Um... Just run
the credit-card machine thing.
Let me get this straight.
Benetton thinks it's
better than Gimbels
because you have all these
glossy posters hanging around?
These kids were clearly
dressed against their will.
Come on, make the ch-chunk.
This is bull corn.
Okay. I'm going to have to ask
you to take your business elsewhere.
Ho-ho!
You're banning
me from your store?
No-no, sister.
I'm banning you.
- You can't ban me.
- Oh, I just did.
You are Ban-ettoned!
That's not a word.
Oh, it is now. I Ban-etton you
from having the pleasure
of us in your store, sucka!
Come on, Erica.
BEVERLY: No!
ADULT ADAM: While my mom was making
a scene, I was directing a scene of my own.
We meet again, Blade.
Well, well, John Cook.
I'm surprised you
survived the series of traps
I set in my deadly labyrinth.
Well, I'm back...
And I'm ready to spoon-feed
you a delicious mouthful of pain.
I'll see ya ladle.
Looking for something?
Cut! Cut. Cut.
You're not selling it, Dave Kim.
Think about how
dumb your haircut is.
Use your pain.
Steady up the boom, Taz.
- What's a boom?
- It's the thing you're holding.
I kept whispering "boom"
so you'd raise it out of frame.
Oh! I thought you
were going like,
"Boom! We just got another
great cinematic moment."
Huh...
What's all this?
Oh, hey. I thought sending you
to get donuts at the airport
would take much longer.
- You're shooting movies without me?
- Kinda.
I thought we were doing
this whole deal together.
Uh...
I decided to go with
a different producer.
(MUMBLING) I have no notes.
I love everything the kid does.
I don't get it. You said
you wanted my support.
I do! I... I did. I don't.
You can't give back support.
- I just did.
- No.
You keep the support.
And you're gonna get much more.
I'm gonna support you but good!
Don't you dare say that!
Oh, you heard me! I'm
a big blanket of support!
A big blanket!
You monster.
Fine! Do what you want.
Also, you got some kind of bag
so I can bring home this fruit?
- You sure about this?
- Oh, I'm sure.
My mom gets me
banned from Benetton?
Then I'll just bring
Benetton to me.
Uh... (SCOFFS) You can't
just make a sweater dress.
Can't I?
ADULT ADAM: She could.
My sister had access to the
biggest, loudest sweater collection
in the greater
Philadelphia area.
She has a sweater that
celebrates the culture of sweaters?
My mind is melting!
Hey. This one shows promise.
Yeah, but those sleeves. Ugh!
But...
If you took these sleeves
and the bottom half
of this sparkly one,
that could totally be a dress!
And if you took the
rhinestones from this one...
And used this fringe
and these ruffles
and these weird tiny pockets,
that would totally work!
So cute!
ADULT ADAM: And so they sewed.
They searched. They glued.
They ripped,
snipped, and glittered.
Okay. The big reveal.
Eat your heart out,
Bene... Oh, my God!
- This did not work!
- No, it did not!
- This does not look like Benetton!
- No, it does not!
We need to cut up
more sweaters and fix it!
ADULT ADAM: And
so they did it again.
They sewed, they cut, they tore.
They generally made a
mess, until they got it just right.
(VOICE BREAKING)
I made it worse.
You really did!
Why?
Why? (GASPS)
My sweaters! My
glorious sweaters!
I'm realizing now this whole
thing got away from me.
Gimbels is out of business!
I can't replace them.
They're all I had.
It's not my fault!
I mean, it is.
What I did sucks, but
what you did sucks, too!
You got me Ban-ettoned!
That is not a word.
And I thought that the
most important thing
was us spending time together.
What mattered was
the dress! Not you!
Fine.
(SMACKS LIPS)
Go buy it.
Hope you feel good knowing
the real price you paid.
- I think the price was her.
- I know the price, Lainey!
ADULT ADAM: It had been
a day since me and my sister
tricked our parents
into supporting us.
And now my mom and dad
were farther from us than ever.
Look at her. She's not
even parming the shrimp.
Without her parm,
it's just plain shrimp.
Wow! You really messed her up.
Wow! You really messed him up.
He's wearing pants and
not touching his rocky road?
This is bad.
This is awful.
All I wanted was for my
mom to leave me alone.
All I wanted was for my dad
to be a little more involved.
Now I've completely
pushed him away.
I know this is the last
thing you want to hear,
but you've gotta figure out
a way to make her feel good.
Then just figure out
a way to get him back.
Damn it, why are
you always right?
Damn it, you're right.
- 'Sup?
- What the...
Where'd you come from?
Dad said Dan took over the JTP,
and I had to stop him at all costs.
- Who's Dan?
- No idea.
So I gave everyone in
school named Dan a wedgie.
Look. Movie's done, bro.
Damn you, Stallone!
I assume he took
the part after I fell out!
Get your coat.
We're going shopping.
Nice try. I'm done being
used for my charge card.
Actually, this
time it's my treat.
The Gimbels downtown store is
having a going-out-of-business sale.
One day only.
Everything 50% off.
Big whoop. Sales come and go.
I also believe you've been
collecting a lifetime of coupons,
one of which is good for
50% off your entire purchase.
Again, not interested.
You should also know that I
called my old Gimbels manager
and he said he would
honor my employee discount.
Another 50% off.
That's half of half of half off.
The shopping trifecta.
Only the luckiest
yentas ever get to see it.
I know I messed up.
But what do you say we go
do some damage? Together.
Let's go make some memories!
ADULT ADAM: That
day, my mom and sister
went on the shopping
spree of a lifetime.
Racks were emptied,
displays were toppled,
sweaters were replaced,
and carts were overflowing.
Go, go, go!
Housewares up ahead! I'm on it!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
All I need is a miracle...
The reason he's cheating on
you is 'cause your house is so filthy.
Right?
This is my mom's!
All of these are!
This is the proudest
moment of my life.
ADULT ADAM: And if Gimbels
wasn't going out of business before,
they sure would have after my
mom and sister were done there.
Yes!
(LAUGHING)
We did it! We did it!
Hey, can we talk?
No talk. I'm fine.
Well, then just
sit in your chair.
I've never said no to that.
I wanna show you something.
ADULT ADAM: That something
was my very first big-budget movie.
And I anxiously
awaited the first review.
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
All I need is a miracle
All I need is you...
Wow. Your movie
turned out really good.
Our movie.
See you ladle.
(THUD)
Hey, you kept in my one-liners.
Yeah. You're a pretty
good producer after all.
Even though I kind of fired you,
it was really awesome
having your support.
(SIGHS)
You know I'm not the kind of dad
who cheers and screams
from the sidelines.
But it's really important
for you to know
that I'll always
be rooting for you.
Always.
I'm gonna love you
for the rest of your life...
ADULT ADAM: That day, my
mom got her picture-perfect ending.
Just not in the way she thought.
Because in the end,
it's not about the
costumes or the music,
or the explosions,
for that matter.
It's the characters.
And in our house, you
never had to look too far...
I don't know how you did that.
To find the perfect cast.
(SCREAMING)
See you ladle.
My dad has a
seriously freaky talent
of making action-movie
zingers. Watch.
Hey, Dad.
What would Arnold say if
he threw a guy off a cliff?
"My favorite season is fall."
"You've been grounded."
"It's a bird, it's a
plane, it's a dead guy."
"Surprise! Hope
you weren't thrown."
What would Arnold say to
a guy he just fed to a lion?
"Pleased to eat you."
"This won't hurt, or am I
lyin'?" "Show some pride."
What would Arnold say if he
just ripped a guy's heart out?
"You're under cardiac arrest."
"Be my Valentine."
"Don't be so heartless."
He could be an action star.
Bevy! I need your
strong fingers!
Or maybe not.
of the badass, jacked-up action hero.
They tore up the movie screen
and inspired every kid to
let out their inner commando.
Dude! It's like
looking into a mirror!
(MIMICKING ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER) I'll be back.
You're not going
anywhere, mister.
You got schmutz all over your
face. Here, let Mama get it off.
No! I'm Commando.
Commando? No, no, no.
Go put some undies on. You're
gonna chafe your little gumdrops.
ADULT ADAM: Yep. Growing up,
a new Arnold movie was an event.
Remember, Sully, when
I promised to kill you last?
That's right, Matrix, you did!
I lied.
Schwarzenegger really
is the coolest man alive.
And his acting gets slightly
better in every movie.
Hoo-hoo!
Look at Commando go!
He just punched that guy dead!
ADULT ADAM: Like
most dads in the '80s,
Murray Goldberg loved
action movies as much as me.
No, Commando!
Don't go in that shed!
Adam, Commando won't listen!
(WHISPERING) You
know who is listening?
(NORMAL VOICE)
The entire theater!
ADULT ADAM: But my dad
just couldn't contain himself.
Incredible!
That had everything
you want in a movie!
Explosions, revenge,
a steam pipe being
thrown through a guy.
All movies should be Commando.
Or Rambo.
Or any action movie with
an "O" on the end, I'm in.
ADULT ADAM: For the first time,
me and my dad had
something in common.
Naturally, I'd
use it for my gain.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Arnold said six lines in that movie
and your dad talked over every one?
No! This is my
big ticket to get him
to finally pony up some dough
for a homemade action movie!
- Dude, when are you gonna learn?
- What?
It's like every week
you go to your dad
and ask him to support one
of your insanely geeky hobbies.
(SCOFFS) Name one.
Robots, swords, video games,
Space Camp, D&D, Magic, Fraggles,
a new computer so you could
"Weird Science" up a hot girl.
I live a rich life, Dave Kim!
But this time's
gonna be different
'cause for the first time,
we love the same thing.
He can't say no!
And yet, I think
he'll find a way.
ADULT ADAM: And so began
the presentation of a lifetime.
Evening, Dad. Full disclosure.
I'm gonna do that thing
where I present you
with an awesome idea
and ask you to fund it.
Kiddo, please don't put
us all through this again.
It's hard to watch.
Not this time!
I've decided to make
my first action movie.
And I need you to help
me realize my vision.
Behold!
- It's called Recipe for Death.
- I'm in.
I play John Cook,
the street-wise chef
whose brother was
kidnapped by the mafia.
Now the only thing I serve
- is vengeance.
- I'm in.
Let me finish
before you mock me.
My movie stars the world's
biggest, baddest action hero.
He's not from
Austria, like Arnold,
or Belgium, like Van Damme,
or wherever Steven
Seagal is from.
Probably Central Florida.
No! This superstar
lives in our house!
Me.
Stop talking! I'm in!
We get it, you're out,
just let the poor yutz finish.
What part of "I'm in" don't
you get? The answer is yes.
Oh, sweet balls! I've
never made it this far.
What do I ask
for? I'm panicking.
He's having some sort of
episode. Get everything you can.
Just take my 80 bucks.
Dear Lord! This is
a big-budget movie!
I'm making a big-budget movie!
Yoo-yah! (GRUNTS)
I'm already regretting this.
Too late!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day
ADULT ADAM: It was
November 9th, 1980-something,
and my sister was
obsessed with the one thing
every teen girl loved, fashion.
Seriously! That dress could
literally not get any radder.
It's a sweater
dress from Benetton.
They can take even the
lamest and lumpiest of all clothes
and make it sleek and sexy.
Well, Benetton is the
Italian word for "style."
I agree.
It's the perfect dress for
our homecoming party.
Me and Barry are
gonna look so classy.
God! I want a
sweater dress so bad.
- I wish I could afford it.
- Maybe you can get a job.
And maybe you can try and help
me instead of talking nonsense.
Well, then just ask your
mom to buy it for you.
No way! Shopping
with her is a nightmare.
She always turns it into a
daylong bonding marathon
with brunch and mani-pedis
and ice cream and long talks.
You mean like a loving mom
who you can always count on?
Ugh, I know, right?
Well, the question you
have to ask yourself is
how bad do you want
that sweater dress?
ADULT ADAM: The answer?
Bad. So bad that she did this.
Mommy, remember that one
time when I lived in your tummy?
(GASPS) So weird. I was
just thinking about that.
Anyway, can we go
shopping for a dress?
Wait, to clarify,
I'm being invited to go shopping
by you, my delicious little pickle.
Yeah, that's me. A
pickle. Whatever it takes.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Oh!
I just had to capture the moment
so I could remember it forever.
The moment when my
daughter became my best friend.
So that's a yes?
Heck, yes! Grab your coat!
Look out, Gimbels! The
Goldberg gals are coming in hot!
Actually, I was
thinking a different store.
Oh, but everybody loves Gimbels.
Yeah, it's like traveling back to
a simpler, less-fashionable era.
- I was thinking more Benetton.
- Ooh, yes.
That's the place where
you order the meats
and they cook them
right there next to you
and then they flip the
meats into your mouth
and then you eat the meats.
- That's Benihana.
- Okay, then.
So, Gimbels first,
then flying meats,
then we get our nails
done, then a sherbet stop,
then I gotta pick up
your dad's prescription,
then paddle boating in the
park, and then who knows?
The moon!
(CHUCKLING)
I just want a sweater
that's also a dress.
ADULT ADAM: Lucky for
Erica, Gimbels wasn't an option.
"Going out of business"?
What could that possibly mean?
I think that means they're
going out of business.
Gimbels is the biggest
shopping chain in America.
That's like saying
Blockbuster Video shut down,
or B. Dalton Books, or
Circuit City. It's impossible!
It seems possible and
very much happening.
I think you need to
shut your face-mouth!
I'm sorry. This is the
worst day of my life.
No. No way. Why are they
naked? Give them their decency!
They need bulky khakis
and nylon blouses!
Calm down, Mom.
It's just a store.
Not to me. I've had my
best memories there.
Just think of all the
coupons I've doubled.
All the managers I've made cry.
All the clothes I've
worn for a decade
and then returned,
no questions asked.
No wonder they're
going out of business.
Now I'm store-less, Erica.
Life will never be the same.
Hey. It doesn't matter
that Gimbels is closing.
What matters is that we're
spending time together.
Now, come on.
Let's buy me stuff.
ADULT ADAM: While
Erica was playing my mom,
I was about to play my
cinematic masterpiece
for my producer, my dad.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
Yah!
(GUNSHOT)
(GUNSHOT)
- Cool, right?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Lots of good stuff there.
Dad, you're actually
interested in my movie!
I want your feedback. Good
or bad. We're partners on this.
Partners? Okay then.
Well, it's all dark
and hard to see.
There were some lighting
challenges. Note taken.
And the camera
shakes like crazy.
- Camera's kinda heavy, so...
- Also, it sounds like crap.
Wow. Lotta thoughts.
And it looks cheap as hell.
All right, maybe ease off.
Like a washed-out,
crummy public-access show
that's on at midnight.
- I'm just a boy!
- I gave you $80 to make a real movie.
You said you were gonna
do some real "Van Damage."
Look, a film camera and lights
and boom mic cost a ton of money.
It's not just going
to fall in my lap.
- Here's the stuff. Make it good.
- Wow!
Where'd you score this?
My cousin Russ films
bar mitzvahs for a living.
He said you could borrow it.
Whoa, wait. All this
time, I've had access
to high-tech Hollywood film
equipment, and you've never told me?
I guess I never
connected the dots.
Oh, my God.
There's, like, a warm
sensation inside my heart.
Don't make it weird.
It's like you're one of
those dads in the stands
cheering me on 'cause I'm good
at athletic-sport competitions.
You made it weird. Now,
just take the stuff and go.
Now that I'm a real director,
I've gotta write a
script and hire a crew...
And hire your leading man?
You've come to the right place.
And I accept your offer.
We didn't come to
you, and there's no offer.
Wait. Maybe this is the one time
Barry would actually be helpful.
This is the one time, bro!
I've extensively studied
the work of Chuck Norris
and know what it takes
to be a badass action star.
Karate!
Stunts!
(GROANS)
Acting. Surprise! Anger!
Surprise! Anger!
And most important, love scene.
No. Please don't
show us love scene.
Oh, sweet Lord.
He's never getting married.
Adam, a word. Are
you serious about this?
The guy's a moron.
- He's your son.
- That's how I know!
Trust me. Barry's
gonna be amazing.
- Also, I have no other options.
- So do I have the part?
- No.
- Yes.
I see what's happening.
You're negotiating.
I will reduce my
normal fee of $1 million
and will work for
free. No, wait. $1,000!
No. I'll pay you!
Damn it. I blew it.
ADULT ADAM: While Barry
was preparing for his new role,
my mom wasn't at all
prepared for Benetton.
Welcome to the
future of clothing.
The United Colors of Benetton.
It's very bright
and it smells weird.
Forget Gimbels.
This will be just as fun.
Hey. What's the one thing you love
doing most when we go shopping?
Nodding yes or no
as you try on outfits
like they do in the movies.
Well, then get ready to nod yes
because we have some shopping to do.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh-uh.
I used to think maybe you
loved me Now, baby, I'm sure
Stop shaking no.
I need a yes. Shake yes!
I can't shake yes.
Just try.
It won't do it. My neck
loves Gimbels too much.
Well, I don't care
about your stupid neck
as long as your
credit card is nodding.
I'm trying.
(SIGHS) Perhaps a
dollop of tuna salad
from the Benetton cafe
will calm my nerves.
There is no cafe.
Oh, (BLEEP) no!
I will find tuna.
Give me (BLEEP) tuna!
What kind of store
doesn't have tuna?
ADULT ADAM: It was
the morning of the shoot,
and while my star
was ready to shine,
my dad was ready
to pull the plug.
And the Oscar for
Best Actor goes to...
Barry Norman Goldberg!
A lot of other actors
would say, "Thank you."
I'm saying, "You're welcome."
Hey, Barry, are you sure
this is how you want
to spend your Saturday?
Dude. This movie is
gonna be my calling card,
and it'll make Jamie
Lee Curtis notice me.
Don't tell Lainey! No, wait,
tell her. She needs to know.
All right, first off, I wouldn't
rock the boat of that relationship.
And secondly, I think I saw
your Jenkintown Boys Club
down at the Wawa parking lot.
The JTP? Who was leading them?
I don't know. Some new guy.
- Was it Dan?
- Sure.
Stupid Dan. I will challenge
him to a game of smashball
and reassert my dominance.
(TIRES SCREECH)
ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
when it came to being a producer,
my dad knew how to get
exactly what he wanted.
Why would he pass
on the role of a lifetime?
Why? We're screwed blue!
We have no time to recast.
I'm way ahead of you.
Coach is here and
ready for his close-up!
I am your clay. Mold me.
Coach Mellor? He's our star?
Oh, yeah. I slipped him the
script. He responded to the material.
Well, I guess you're my only
option, so you got the part.
- You honor me.
- Do you know your lines?
I memorized the whole
script. I love the zingers.
My favorite one...
"See you ladle."
I like how you wrote "ladle"
instead of "later." 'Cause I'm a cook.
"See you ladle"?
I didn't write that.
That'd be me. I did some
noodling with the script, partner.
Dad! You can't
rewrite my script!
But you didn't have any snappy
one-liners like Arnold says.
That's the best part
of an action movie.
Now you got a bunch of 'em.
Sear you later.
Spat-u-later.
Cheese ya grater.
They are all the same!
Dad, I appreciate the support,
but this is still my movie.
Hey. Everyone knows that
you're the creative vision
behind Recipe for Death 2.
Two? We haven't
even filmed part one.
The best action movies
are always the sequel,
so we're just skipping
ahead to the good stuff.
Know what? We're a team.
The important thing here is
we're working on this together.
Pops, I need a new producer.
Done. What am I producing?
- 80 bucks and no back talk.
- I'm in.
ADULT ADAM: While I had found a
way to push my dad out of the picture,
Erica had finally
found her new look.
- Find everything you need?
- (GRUMBLING) Mmm-mmm.
We did. Thank you.
Whatever.
I have a coupon.
Oh, I'm sorry, this
coupon is for Gimbels.
Correct. It's a competitor's
coupon, so you match the price.
And when we're done here,
I'm gonna need this back
so I can use it at other stores.
Yeah, we don't really
consider Gimbels a competitor
because we're fresh and cool
and hip and fun, and they're closing.
Oh, God. Um... Just run
the credit-card machine thing.
Let me get this straight.
Benetton thinks it's
better than Gimbels
because you have all these
glossy posters hanging around?
These kids were clearly
dressed against their will.
Come on, make the ch-chunk.
This is bull corn.
Okay. I'm going to have to ask
you to take your business elsewhere.
Ho-ho!
You're banning
me from your store?
No-no, sister.
I'm banning you.
- You can't ban me.
- Oh, I just did.
You are Ban-ettoned!
That's not a word.
Oh, it is now. I Ban-etton you
from having the pleasure
of us in your store, sucka!
Come on, Erica.
BEVERLY: No!
ADULT ADAM: While my mom was making
a scene, I was directing a scene of my own.
We meet again, Blade.
Well, well, John Cook.
I'm surprised you
survived the series of traps
I set in my deadly labyrinth.
Well, I'm back...
And I'm ready to spoon-feed
you a delicious mouthful of pain.
I'll see ya ladle.
Looking for something?
Cut! Cut. Cut.
You're not selling it, Dave Kim.
Think about how
dumb your haircut is.
Use your pain.
Steady up the boom, Taz.
- What's a boom?
- It's the thing you're holding.
I kept whispering "boom"
so you'd raise it out of frame.
Oh! I thought you
were going like,
"Boom! We just got another
great cinematic moment."
Huh...
What's all this?
Oh, hey. I thought sending you
to get donuts at the airport
would take much longer.
- You're shooting movies without me?
- Kinda.
I thought we were doing
this whole deal together.
Uh...
I decided to go with
a different producer.
(MUMBLING) I have no notes.
I love everything the kid does.
I don't get it. You said
you wanted my support.
I do! I... I did. I don't.
You can't give back support.
- I just did.
- No.
You keep the support.
And you're gonna get much more.
I'm gonna support you but good!
Don't you dare say that!
Oh, you heard me! I'm
a big blanket of support!
A big blanket!
You monster.
Fine! Do what you want.
Also, you got some kind of bag
so I can bring home this fruit?
- You sure about this?
- Oh, I'm sure.
My mom gets me
banned from Benetton?
Then I'll just bring
Benetton to me.
Uh... (SCOFFS) You can't
just make a sweater dress.
Can't I?
ADULT ADAM: She could.
My sister had access to the
biggest, loudest sweater collection
in the greater
Philadelphia area.
She has a sweater that
celebrates the culture of sweaters?
My mind is melting!
Hey. This one shows promise.
Yeah, but those sleeves. Ugh!
But...
If you took these sleeves
and the bottom half
of this sparkly one,
that could totally be a dress!
And if you took the
rhinestones from this one...
And used this fringe
and these ruffles
and these weird tiny pockets,
that would totally work!
So cute!
ADULT ADAM: And so they sewed.
They searched. They glued.
They ripped,
snipped, and glittered.
Okay. The big reveal.
Eat your heart out,
Bene... Oh, my God!
- This did not work!
- No, it did not!
- This does not look like Benetton!
- No, it does not!
We need to cut up
more sweaters and fix it!
ADULT ADAM: And
so they did it again.
They sewed, they cut, they tore.
They generally made a
mess, until they got it just right.
(VOICE BREAKING)
I made it worse.
You really did!
Why?
Why? (GASPS)
My sweaters! My
glorious sweaters!
I'm realizing now this whole
thing got away from me.
Gimbels is out of business!
I can't replace them.
They're all I had.
It's not my fault!
I mean, it is.
What I did sucks, but
what you did sucks, too!
You got me Ban-ettoned!
That is not a word.
And I thought that the
most important thing
was us spending time together.
What mattered was
the dress! Not you!
Fine.
(SMACKS LIPS)
Go buy it.
Hope you feel good knowing
the real price you paid.
- I think the price was her.
- I know the price, Lainey!
ADULT ADAM: It had been
a day since me and my sister
tricked our parents
into supporting us.
And now my mom and dad
were farther from us than ever.
Look at her. She's not
even parming the shrimp.
Without her parm,
it's just plain shrimp.
Wow! You really messed her up.
Wow! You really messed him up.
He's wearing pants and
not touching his rocky road?
This is bad.
This is awful.
All I wanted was for my
mom to leave me alone.
All I wanted was for my dad
to be a little more involved.
Now I've completely
pushed him away.
I know this is the last
thing you want to hear,
but you've gotta figure out
a way to make her feel good.
Then just figure out
a way to get him back.
Damn it, why are
you always right?
Damn it, you're right.
- 'Sup?
- What the...
Where'd you come from?
Dad said Dan took over the JTP,
and I had to stop him at all costs.
- Who's Dan?
- No idea.
So I gave everyone in
school named Dan a wedgie.
Look. Movie's done, bro.
Damn you, Stallone!
I assume he took
the part after I fell out!
Get your coat.
We're going shopping.
Nice try. I'm done being
used for my charge card.
Actually, this
time it's my treat.
The Gimbels downtown store is
having a going-out-of-business sale.
One day only.
Everything 50% off.
Big whoop. Sales come and go.
I also believe you've been
collecting a lifetime of coupons,
one of which is good for
50% off your entire purchase.
Again, not interested.
You should also know that I
called my old Gimbels manager
and he said he would
honor my employee discount.
Another 50% off.
That's half of half of half off.
The shopping trifecta.
Only the luckiest
yentas ever get to see it.
I know I messed up.
But what do you say we go
do some damage? Together.
Let's go make some memories!
ADULT ADAM: That
day, my mom and sister
went on the shopping
spree of a lifetime.
Racks were emptied,
displays were toppled,
sweaters were replaced,
and carts were overflowing.
Go, go, go!
Housewares up ahead! I'm on it!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
All I need is a miracle...
The reason he's cheating on
you is 'cause your house is so filthy.
Right?
This is my mom's!
All of these are!
This is the proudest
moment of my life.
ADULT ADAM: And if Gimbels
wasn't going out of business before,
they sure would have after my
mom and sister were done there.
Yes!
(LAUGHING)
We did it! We did it!
Hey, can we talk?
No talk. I'm fine.
Well, then just
sit in your chair.
I've never said no to that.
I wanna show you something.
ADULT ADAM: That something
was my very first big-budget movie.
And I anxiously
awaited the first review.
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
All I need is a miracle
All I need is you...
Wow. Your movie
turned out really good.
Our movie.
See you ladle.
(THUD)
Hey, you kept in my one-liners.
Yeah. You're a pretty
good producer after all.
Even though I kind of fired you,
it was really awesome
having your support.
(SIGHS)
You know I'm not the kind of dad
who cheers and screams
from the sidelines.
But it's really important
for you to know
that I'll always
be rooting for you.
Always.
I'm gonna love you
for the rest of your life...
ADULT ADAM: That day, my
mom got her picture-perfect ending.
Just not in the way she thought.
Because in the end,
it's not about the
costumes or the music,
or the explosions,
for that matter.
It's the characters.
And in our house, you
never had to look too far...
I don't know how you did that.
To find the perfect cast.
(SCREAMING)
See you ladle.
My dad has a
seriously freaky talent
of making action-movie
zingers. Watch.
Hey, Dad.
What would Arnold say if
he threw a guy off a cliff?
"My favorite season is fall."
"You've been grounded."
"It's a bird, it's a
plane, it's a dead guy."
"Surprise! Hope
you weren't thrown."
What would Arnold say to
a guy he just fed to a lion?
"Pleased to eat you."
"This won't hurt, or am I
lyin'?" "Show some pride."
What would Arnold say if he
just ripped a guy's heart out?
"You're under cardiac arrest."
"Be my Valentine."
"Don't be so heartless."
He could be an action star.
Bevy! I need your
strong fingers!
Or maybe not.