The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Stefan King - full transcript

Back in the '80s, Stephen
King was the master of horror.

The man seemed to write
a new book every week,

and I devoured them all.

But my favorite, Misery,

a story about a woman
who kept a writer captive

till he wrote her the
story of her dreams.

Schmoop-a-loop.

Don't forget we're going
underpants shopping tomorrow.

I remember you saying that.

I don't remember agreeing to it.

I suppose you're too
old for Underoos now?



Yes! I'm in a high school!

God, this is a nightmare
I can't escape from.

Guess I'll have to put
these in my scrapbook now.

Stephen King made me
want to write horror stories, too.

I just hadn't found anything
horrific to write about.

Let me see.

What is scary?

Kissy monster attack!

And if my writer's block
weren't bad enough,

I had this to deal with, too.

Whoo! That was good for me.

Okay, meatloaf burgers in 20.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

Oh!



Wait. That was it.

I already lived in my own
Stephen King horror tale,

and I was gonna write about
the scariest monster of them all...

Kissy monster returns!

My horrifying smother.

Feeds on chubby cheeks!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was October 29th,
1980-something,

and, unfortunately for Erica,

the Halloween dance
was fast approaching.

Me and Evy came up with
the perfect couple's costume.

I'm gonna be Seymour
from Little Shop of Horrors.

And I'll be Audrey Il,
the man-eating plant.

- Fits.
- Excuse me, now?

I hope it fits, the costume.

And who exactly are you
taking to the dance, Erica?

I've got someone lined up. It...

Lainey's hot cousin Nate.

What? Nate didn't tell
me you were going...

Yeah, he doesn't
tell you everything.

Oh. Yeah.

He did say you're in a
very serious relationship.

It's not that serious.

I mean, we could break up any
time, so I can date other people.

Totally. 'Cause you
have trouble committing?

Nope. I'm very open to that.

Just with the right person,
which it's not right now.

Point is, I have a
date. Okay. Bye.

Yep, my sister had
resorted to making up a date,

and no one was more
pleased than my brother.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

How the mighty have fallen.

Okay, I can't deal with
whatever this is, so get out.

This is me rejoicing
in your social failures.

I know you have no
date this Halloween,

most romantic of all holidays.

Okay, I get it. You're
here to bust balls,

but please, I need you
to cut me some slack.

Did you ever cut me slack
during the last 16 years?

Before I had Lainey, you tortured
me for being the world's biggest loser.

Come on. I wasn't that bad.

You made a puppet
out of a tube sock

and told everyone
it was my girlfriend.

Soxanne.

You wrote an op-ed
in the school paper

about what a loser I was.

I changed your name! No one
knew that Gary Boldberg was you.

You spread a rumor about
me dating the lunch lady!

Doris is just a friend!

Okay, fine! I've
done a few evil things.

But that doesn't mean I
deserve comeuppance. Please!

Oh, no!

I've been waiting my
whole life for this moment

to come in here and
call you the sad sack.

Oh, my God. You're right.

I'm you. I'm the Barry.

"I'm the Barry"? What
the hell does that mean?

You know, the
mopey loser, the Barry!

Okay, that is not what
being the Barry means.

I don't want to be the Barry,
but that's exactly what I am!

This is my moment of triumph!

Don't feel sorry for
yourself for being me!

But I really do feel
like a hopeless Barry,

while you're happily living
your life like anything but a Barry.

Okay, I am happy,
but I'm not the Barry.

I mean, I am the Barry, but in
a good way! God! Just shut up!

As Barry wasn't
getting his revenge,

I was about to find out that my
mom had read my horror story

based solely on her.

- Hey.
- Don't "hey" me, mister.

I found your little story.

Oh. Okay.

Any resemblance to
actual persons living or dead

or big-haired and blond
is purely coincidental.

I just don't understand
how you could do this.

Why would you hide something
so amazing from your mother?

You actually liked it?

Liked it?

This is as good, if not better,
than Stefan King himself.

Stephen King. And
you've read his stuff?

Not a word. But I'll
tell you something.

He'd better look out
for Adam F. Goldberg.

Love the middle
initial, very author-ly.

It's only there 'cause there's
another Adam Goldberg in school.

He's in 11th grade
and has a beard.

Ooh. What if we send
this story to Mr. King?

Maybe he could get it published.

I would love that,
but it's just a first draft.

If he's gonna read
it, it has to be perfect.

You keep working on it, and
we'll keep it under wraps until then.

Great news, everyone.

I've picked the new
book for book club.

Ooh. Who's it by?

Only the greatest
American novelist.

- Hemingway?
- Hemingway? Pfft!

Yuck!

My little Adam.

Beverly, we usually do
classics or award winners.

The point of book club
is to enrich our minds.

Put a sock in it, Elaine.

Last week, you picked
that suck-ass Joy Luck Club.

Bevy, that book was a
heart-wrenching masterpiece.

Okay, what are you
even doing here?

This is a book club for ladies.

That's exactly why I'm here.

Albert Solomon, book lover.

Dad, stop trying to
take over book club.

Okay, everyone.

Read my boopie's book.

I guess reading one
little short story won't hurt.

Yay!

I'm so glad you already love it.

Yay!

Yay!

As my mom was helping
me get my big break,

my sister was about
to get one of her own.

Are you okay, Geoff?

Oh, my gosh, did you break up?

If so, that is sad.

No. Evy's Gam-Gam's
in the hospital.

She can't go to the
Halloween dance.

That is also sad.

Hey! I have a fun idea.

Why don't you two do a
couple's costume together?

As friends.

Yes. Just a couple of friends.

We can even do
Little Shop of Horrors,

like you wanted.

I thought you had a date.

Lainey's cousin?

No, his grandma's sick, too.

She must have caught the
same bug as Evy's grandma.

I don't think you can
catch slipping in a tub.

Well, we're not doctors.

I don't know. I mean, Evy
was the one making them,

and I don't even know how...

Bup-bup. Don't you worry.

I am going to make a
Broadway-quality costume

with my own two hands.

Boom!

Look what I rented
with my own two hands.

You are so gonna take Evy's man

while she's tending
to her ailing Gam-Gam.

Don't say it like that,

'cause you make it sound
like I'm the bad guy here.

Eh, it's dicey, but
you're my best friend.

I'm on your side.

That day, Erica wasn't the only
one with delusions of grandeur.

Okay, blah-di-blah.
Enough small talk.

All your weeks were the same.

Nothing important
happened in your lives.

All right, down to business.

Who here loved Adam's story?

Beverly, it was
good, really good.

I knew it! My baby's
the next Stefan King.

Just one tiny little thing.

Did you happen to
notice anything familiar?

What? What are you getting at?

Uh, Albert, you
want to field this?

Fine. I'll take the hit.

Listen, Bevy, it's clear

the soul-sucking
monster in the story is you.

Mmm, I don't see it.

Its name is Veeberly,
has blond hair,

and wears colorful sweaters.

Mmm, not connecting the dots.

Just look at the cover.

It's clearly your head on a
spider-like creature's torso.

Mmm...

Beverly, it's you!

Wait, does everybody
here think I'm a monster?

No! No, no, no!
We don't think that.

Just your child.

He's the one that called
you, let me get the words,

"A vicious she-spider
whose strength comes from

"her children's blood
and Jazzercize."

Well, that...

That's not Adam's final version.

He still has many,
many changes to make.

I get it.

Once, my son said that
my chicken was a little dry.

Oh, your chicken was dry!

Get out.

I love you, but get
your ass out of here.

Book club is over.

Oh, good. They're gone.

Can you believe they think
Adam's short story is about me?

Here, let me take a look.

"It was blond and angry
and was rude to waiters."

- No, this tracks.
- That could be anybody.

"The colorful sweaters
and neon leggings

"hid the darkness in her heart."

Why am I even discussing this?

I've got shrimp parm
to make for dinner.

"She lured her victims with promises
of cheesy seafood casserole."

Yes, we all know,
clearly, it's me!

As my mom was finding
out she was my monster,

Erica was about to
get a fright of her own.

Hey. Hi. Hello.

You're back.

Great news, Evy's Gam-Gam
made a full recovery.

Oh, that's just so great!

'Cause now we're not
going to the dance together.

Or... How's this work?

I think it works like

I'll go with my girlfriend,
but see you there?

For sure! I'm going
with Nate again.

His grandma's doing better, too.

Vitamins, am I right?

Anyway, I'll catch you there.

Okay.

Thanks for agreeing to
go with him as friends.

So sweet of you.

Also, I'm onto you, homewrecker.

- Wha?
- I lied about Gam-Gam doing better.

She's in a
medically-induced coma.

But I'm staying here to make sure
you don't lay your mitts on my man.

Evy, I have no idea why you...

Oh, sweet Erica.

I get what he sees in you.

The olive skin,
chestnut auburn hair,

easy smile.

Thank you?

You had your chance
with my Geoff last year,

but you blew it.

Blew it.

Oh, Evy.

Sure, you're smart and
confident, but it won't be enough.

Don't you drag the back of
your hand down my cheek

in a soft but threatening
manner. Only I do that.

Well, it seems like
I'm doing it right now.

Only the woman with
the upper hand does that.

Shh!

- We both know who that is.
- Shh!

Don't you shush my
lips with your finger!

I am the one who shushes!

Enough!

This is a fight you can't win,
missy, 'cause I already won.

Ugh. We watched this whole thing,
and they're not gonna wrestle at all.

- This school sucks.
- Totally.

Let's go smash some pumpkins.

It was Halloween night,
and I was gonna be

the scariest kid on the block.

Little did I know, something
scarier was right behind me.

Going somewhere, love bug?

I thought I'd go trick-or-treating,
you know, for old times' sake.

Of course.

But first, you have
some rewriting to do.

See, I showed your
story to my book club.

They had some concerns.

- Not me, of course, them.
- Like what?

The main character,
the Veeberly,

they think she should
be more lovable.

- What?
- And kind. And snuggly.

Snuggly? For a horror story?

That makes no sense.

I don't know, I'm not a
writer, but do that exactly.

Type-y, type-y.

Oh, my God! You figured out the
story was loosely based on you.

"Loosely"? On page
two, you accidentally wrote

"Beverly" instead of "Veeberly."

It's just a story.
It's no big deal.

Well, I'm glad
you feel that way,

'cause you're gonna change it
all and make me a great mama.

My friends think my own
son sees me as a monster.

Do you know how
much that hurts me?

You realize what
you're doing to me, right?

- You're Misery-ing me.
- That's not a word.

You're trapping me in my room

and forcing me to make
changes to my story

just like the crazy lady
in Stephen King's book.

Squishy, you can leave
whenever you want,

once you fix the story.

Now, stop with the cockadoodie
attitude and get to work!

Yay.

As I was being
forced to keep working,

Erica had completely given up.

Hey, sport. How you feeling?

Awful.

Never felt so much like
a Barry in my entire life.

You do know he's my
boyfriend and I love him, right?

I know.

Well, I've got some
news that'll cheer you up.

My cousin Nate has agreed
to take you to the dance.

- Hot Nate? Really?
- Hey... No.

It's Nate. Hi. Hi, Nate.

- Lainey, can I see you in the hall for a sec?
- Uh-huh.

Okay.

- You're going!
- No. That's not happening.

- You're gonna...
- No. No. Good luck.

Um, Nate just realized that he had a
Halloween night dental appointment

that he can't reschedule.

There is no Halloween night
dental appointment, is there?

No. He kind of saw you and left.

- Say I'm the Barry.
- You're the Barry.

Oh, heard my name!

It better be in
reference to someone

with exceptional talent, who
can rap and break-dance.

Okay, that's enough. Erica, get up.
No one is gonna be the Barry tonight.

Hey!

You're doing a couple's
costume with your sister.

- End of story.
- No way!

We already agreed to go
as Harry and the Hendersons.

We're supposed to be
When Harry Met Sally.

Yeah. You're Sally Henderson.

I can't do a couple's costume
with my stupid brother.

What if people find out?

He'll be completely hidden inside
the costume. No one will know.

You said this costume
was awesome.

I'm a stupid
flower. Get it off me!

Calm down. Remember
why you're doing this.

Ugh! Because you're making me!

No, 'cause you love your sister.

Wait. That's why? Then no!

- I'm no one's puppet!
- You kind of are.

Lainey, this is the
worst idea you've had

since you said
yes to dating Barry.

- I will fight you!
- Well, come on!

You just messed
with the wrong...

Both of you, shut
up! This is happening!

No way! I'm supposed
to be mocking her pain,

like she did with me.

Maybe I'll just do a
little victory dance.

And it goes a little
something like this!

Ooh! Take it! Take it!

Sweetie, the costume's only
making your dance adorable.

Damn it. Everything I do in
this costume fights my agenda.

Okay, we're pulling the plug.
Someone get me my Cool Whip.

Stop it! Both of you
need to suck it up

and be there for each other.

Fine! I'll do it!

But only 'cause
I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

Come here. Give me some sugar.

Get away from me!

Trick or treat.

Look at you guys, I
turned on the sprinklers,

and you still made it through.

Yeah. Happy Halloween.

Psst. Where's Ma?

She's taking Pops home.

Perfect. I can hit a few houses.

Whatever you do,
do not tell Mom that...

Oh, wow. You're just
walking away, don't care at all.

My captor was
gone for the evening.

Or so I thought.

Balls! Balls!

Oh! Stupid clown shoes!

Just like Misery,
she'd come home early.

Come on, come on, come on!

Every moment counted!

I hadn't just written
a Stephen King story,

I was living it!

Hey, pumpkin.

How's it going?

Just writing and making
the world come alive.

I know you've been
out, mister man.

No, I was right
here the whole time.

My photo cube
was moved, darling.

I always proudly display it
with your picture facing out.

Because you're
my little baby star.

But all I saw was this.

Photo cube.

This conversation is over.

Time to get to work.

Oh, God. Don't break my ankles.

Ankles?

I'm making you a pumpkin pie.

- I got to smash up the insides.
- Oh.

That's very thoughtful.

And you can have some
once you fix the story.

Boop!

As I remained captive,

Erica was trying to
capture Geoff's heart.

Dude, sick costumes.
Those put ours to shame.

It's not a competition.

It really isn't.

But if it was, I'd win.

- Kind of feels like I've won.
- Have you?

Who's in the plant?

It's Nate, Lainey's hot
cousin. He doesn't speak.

- Are we at the dance yet?
- He doesn't speak.

Hey, cuz, why don't you shut up
and come over to the punch bowl?

Lunch? Great! I'm hungry!

- See you on the dance floor?
- For sure.

So fun.

Erica's plan was
going perfectly.

- Which way am I going?
- No, no, Barry.

- Barry, no...
- This plant is hard to steer!

Barry, no!

Did I fall? I think I just fell.

Ew! Erica's date is her brother!

I...

Wow.

That is rough.

It was Halloween night,

and I had finished
rewriting my story.

How's Adam's masterpiece?

Oh, my God. You're sighing
deeply because you love it!

Well, the story
sure is different now.

In a good way, right? The
Veeberly isn't a momster at all now.

Yes, she's made of pure love,

and her sole mission in
life is not to fail as a mother.

That's why her children
let her move in with them!

Beverly, this is wrong
on so many levels.

Did you even see the
new cover Adam made?

Schmoopie Loves Mommy.

That's a very off-putting title.

Mmm... Not seeing
a problem here.

In Adam's first story,

Veeberly was a complex,
three-dimensional character.

What are you saying?

You inspired Adam. You.

It's the whole reason
his writing worked.

- You mean I'm his muse?
- Oh, no.

I'm his muse!

Actually, Stephen King is his...

My baby loves me and
honors me with his words.

Not at all.

I have to make this right.

No, Veeberly...

I mean Beverly. Oh, damn it.

Erica?

Go away.

It's really not as
bad as you think.

Please. Just leave me alone.

Man, she really is the Barry.

- No offense.
- No, she's the me.

I've never seen her like this.
I can always cheer her up.

Well, maybe there's
someone else who can.

Hey.

Barry said you
could use a friend.

And Seymour always knows
how to cheer up his Audrey, right?

Not this time.

Come on. I've known you
since, like, kindergarten.

There's always one thing that
can cheer you up, no matter what.

I'm not singing, Geoff.

That's okay. I'll start.

What? You think I won't?

I will. I'm not afraid.

Lift up your head

Wash off your mascara

You're really doing this?

Here, take my Kleenex

Wipe that lipstick away

Oh, no.

Show me your face

Clean as the morning

I know things were bad

But now they're okay

Come on, I know you
want to sing. I can see it.

Suddenly Seymour

Is standing beside you

Don't leave me hanging.

Don't need no makeup

You? Never.

Don't have to pretend

All together now.

- Suddenly Seymour
- Suddenly Seymour

- Is here to provide you
- Is here to provide you

- With sweet understanding
- With sweet understanding

Seymour's your friend

Thanks for being
such a good friend.

Always.

You feeling better?

Kinda.

Geoff said you sent
him in to cheer me up.

You know, I tortured
you for years,

and you really had every
right to throw it back in my face.

I just didn't like seeing
you be the Barry.

You got in a plant for me.

You

were there for me.

If that's being a Barry,
then I'm okay with that.

Know what a Barry
would do right now?

Get back on that dance floor
and have an awesome night.

You don't have to move the
computer back down here.

You can keep it in
your room if you want.

Not so sure writing's for me.

Well, I am.

You got Stephen
King's actual address?

I know a few yentas in Maine.

Eh, I'm not so sure Stevie King's
gonna love Schmoopie Loves Mommy.

Oh, God, no! I'm
sending him the Veeberly.

But I thought you hate it.

Oh, I do.

So much.

But you keep writing
about me, about this family.

It may not all be true,
but it's pretty darn good.

Thanks, Mama.

Sometimes we put on disguises,

but, fortunately, the
people who love us

always know what's
going on on the inside

and are always willing to
help us get back out there.

Turns out, the best stories are the
ones that come from a real place,

the ones that come from home.

My name is Stephen King.

My best book was Stephen
King's Skeleton Crew.

"It's great," says
one... Says one writer.

It's great!

My name's Stephen King.

Most people know me for
my suspenseful, chilling...

Beverly!

Where's my Sports Illustrated?

Don't make me read
a shampoo bottle!

Cujo.

"Big friendly dog chases a
rabbit into an underground cave,

"a sleeping evil crueler
than death itself."

This ought to hold me for
about nine to 16 minutes.

Yeah.