The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - George! George Glass! - full transcript

Erica and Adam follow the lead of Jan from The Brady Bunch (1969) when dealing with relationship problems. Beverly reaches her limit when it comes to dealing with Murray's stubbornness after he causes her to miss the Beach Boys at Live Aid.

Back in the '80s,

Philadelphia hosted one of the
most legendary charity rock concerts

ever assembled, Live Aid,

and no one wanted to
go more than Big Tasty.

Dad, we need to have
an insanely important talk.

And if you say, "Go to your mother,"
there will be serious consequences.

Not listening. Go
to your mother.

Okay, you know how all
the awesome stuff happens

in New York and L.A. and
Florida, but never here?

You do know that Philadelphia

is the birthplace of
our country, right?

Enough with your folk tales,
old man. I'm talking about now.

It's called Live Aid. The
world's biggest rock concert ever

is happening here this
weekend, and I need your car.

- What's wrong with your van?
- Doesn't start.

I think it needs new spark
plugs or gas or something.

Point is, give me your
keys and wallet. Hurry.

Here's the thing... No.

But I presented
such a strong case.

This concert's been
all over the news.

There's gonna be a million
morons pouring into the city,

each one with bad
hair and worse ideas.

But I have the worst
ideas. I should be there, too.

No way I'm allowing my car
to be driven in that madness.

It'll never return.

Do you even know who's
performing at Live Aid?

I don't know, and more
importantly, I don't care.

Rick Springfield,
REO Speedwagon,

the Hooters, Black
Sabbath, RUN-DMC,

Simple Minds, Judas
Priest, Led Zeppelin,

Bernard Watson, Joan Baez,

Four Tops, Billy
Ocean, Bryan Adams,

Crosby, Stills & Nash,
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young,

Neil Young,

Bob Dylan, George
Thorogood & the Destroyers,

most of the Rolling Stones,

all of Hall & Oates,

Madonna, Phil
Collins, Duran Duran,

Eddie Kendricks and
David Ruffin, Patti LaBelle,

The Cars, Kenny Loggins,

Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers,

Santana, Pretenders,
Ashford & Simpson...

Ashford & Simpson? I'm in.

- Really?
- No.

None of these names
mean anything to me.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was October 5, 1980-something,
and I had a genius plan

to be the coolest freshman ever.

Big news. I'm starting a club.

- Ugh. Here we go.
- It'll be awesome.

We can wear costumes
and perform skits

and do all their greatest
characters, like the Church Lady.

Isn't that special?

- Cut the crap, dude.
- You sound crazy.

We're freshmen now.

We got to start
thinking about our reps.

You look mah-velous.

- Please. We're in public.
- Girls hate that stuff.

We really do.

Impressing girls is the
least of my concerns.

I'm just trying to make
it through the day.

Oh, balls.

It's her. She's here.

It's Waffle Girl.

Waffle Girl?

Oh, yes, Waffle Girl.

She was my first crush ever. I
hadn't seen her in three years,

but now that I was a freshman,
I was back in her world.

So many confusing feelings.

That's all in the past, bro.

We're in the now,

and that means you
got to go rock that body.

Don't do that.

You already laid the groundwork
when you were a small child.

Close the deal.

How? She's a
junior. I'm just a boy.

Not anymore.

Back then, you were
just a creepy kid.

Now you're a man,
so it's not creepy at all.

Nope, still creepy.

Just walk on over
there and be like,

"Yo, Waffles, remember me?

"Powdered sugar, sliced
banana, side of sausage.

"Name's Adam Goldberg."

I can't say my name.
It's too confusing.

There's another Adam
Goldberg in school.

He's a senior.

He told me in no uncertain terms

that he's got dibs on
the upper-class girls.

Stop using the other Adam
Goldberg as an excuse.

Yeah, there's just so many
other reasons why it won't work.

What do you know about girls?

Look, all you got
to do is show her

that older women
don't intimidate you.

You're right. It's all
about confidence.

Oh, crap, here she comes.


What's that?

I'm a man now.

Oh, my God.

Uh... Alan, right?

You used to come by
the House of Waffles.

I am Alan, yes.

Aww. You were such a cute kid.

Well, see you around.

As I was out to prove to
my first crush I was a man,

Barry was still fighting my
dad about going to Live Aid.

Mom, talk some
sense into this bad man.

He's not letting me go to the
world's most awesome concert.

Well, if you're jonesing
for some bitchin' tunes,

what do you say we go to
the Beach Boys concert, huh?

God only knows what
I'd be without Schmoo

Oh, my God, what
are you singing?

Come on, go on a surfin'
safari with your mama.

- I got two tickets. Come.
- Never.

The only concert Big
Tasty is going to is Live Aid,

and nothing will stop me.


Well, nothing except
for an empty gas tank.

Doesn't matter!

I'll run there if I
have to! Live Aid!

But Barry still
wasn't deterred...

Oh, cramp, cramp!

Until the tummy cramp
and the pebble in his shoe.

Stupid pebble.

Clearly, he wasn't going to
the Beach Boys with my mom,

so she dragged along my dad.

I can't believe I let
you talk me into this.

Who knew so many people loved

the delicate doo-wops
of the Beach Boys?

They what? Let me
see those tickets.

Live Aid?

The Beach Boys are
playing at Live Aid?

You just took me into
the eye of the storm!

I had no idea.

But come to think of it,

the guy at Ticketron did mention
a couple of opening bands.

Thirty bands. We got
to turn around right now.

Stop being so dramatic.
It's just a little traffic.

You go into the Live Aid.
I'll circle for three hours.

No, don't circle. For once,
can you not be so stubborn?

We could be here for days.

Damn it.

This is my nightmare!

As my dad was desperate
to get out of traffic,

I was desperate to figure
out a way to show Waffle Girl

I wasn't a little kid anymore.

Like any sensible adult,

I stole an idea from
The Brady Bunch.

But I do have a boyfriend.

It was a legendary episode

where Jan fakes a
boyfriend by naming him...

George... Glass... George Glass.

That's it. George Glass.

Oh, Jan Brady, you giver of
genius middle-child wisdom.

She's no Marcia, but
she does have moxie.

That's how I'll
impress Waffle Girl.

I'll make up a fake
older girlfriend,

and then she'll know I can
hang with mature ladies.

I don't know what that sentence
means, but go for it, kiddo.

Oh, my God. Do not
"George Glass" anyone.

It's too late. My plan
is already taking shape,

and her name shall be...

Lampy... Tableson.

- Lampy's not a name.
- She's foreign.

She just transferred to Villanova
from the University of Europe.

This Lampy sounds hot to trot.

Only a sad, desperate loser

would stoop to George
Glass-ing someone.

His name's Jordan Wahlberg,
and he just transferred to Villanova.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe your new
boyfriend's in college.

Yeah, Jordy's on a swim
scholarship. He's crazy hot.

You are so lucky.

But not as lucky as finding
a guy like my Geoffrey.

Yeah. I can do this.

A lot of people can do
that. We are just so happy

that you have finally,
finally found someone, Erica.

Thanks. What about you, Geoff?

Are you happy for me, or is it
more complicated than that?

- What?
- Nothing.

Are you freaking
kidding me right now?

Uh, I got to call Jordy. Bye.

While I was furious
that Erica stole my idea,

my furious father
was still stuck in traffic.

Damn it. Move, already.

And then it happened.

Mur, look.

The parking gods
took pity on my parents.

A space.

Not just any space.

That's the greatest
space of all time.

- Son of a bitch.
- Oh, come on.

Hey, buddy, I was here first.

What's he doing?
He's ignoring me.

Stop it. Where are you going?

Get back in the car.

Hiya, buddy.

Listen, uh, this
space... It's mine.

What are you... What
are you honking?

He's honking.

We'll find another space.

We will not find another space.

Now you're honking at
a private conversation

between a man and his wife.

Fine. Two can play at that game.



My dad spent the next
hour screaming his face off.

Meanwhile, I was about
to face off with a thief.

Well, if it isn't my sister,
who pulled a George Glass

after she specifically
told me it was stupid.

For you.

You lack the pathological
qualities needed to pull it off.

- Me? Easy breezy.
- Jordan Wahlberg?

You just took two
New Kids on the Block

- and mashed them together.
- Jordy is much more than a name.

He's got big plans, and I
put them down in this dossier.

For example, after he
goes to the Olympics,

he's going to med school
to become a urologist.

That's crazy. No one
wants to be a urologist.

Face it, I'm unbeatable.
I've thought of every detail.

I was made to George
Glass me a guy.

Well, I was made to
George Glass me a gal.

Oh! So sad, you guys have
to make up pretend lovers

instead of knowing the
joy of an authentic one.

I'm talking about my
long-time companion, Lainey.

- Sad.
- Idiot.

You had a fake girlfriend
from Canada for three years.

Marian Lemieux wasn't
fake. I met her at camp.

We went to the same
camp. There was no Marian.

She spent all her
time at the lake,

but then had to leave for
a modelling emergency.

- It happens.
- Whatever.

Point is, there's only room

for one George Glasser
in this family, and it's me.

The battle had begun.

It was time for me
to bring Lampy to life.

Are you sure about this, dude?

Yes, I'm taking my fake
girlfriend to a whole new level.

A hickey equals proof. Engage.

It kind of tickles.

Don't make this any
weirder than it already is.

- How's it look?
- Like you got some action.

Then do more.

I want people to know me
and Lampy are the real deal.

- What's a Lampy?
- Just hickey me, already.

This cannot fail.

- Fail.
- I can see that, Dave Kim.

While the vacuum was
threatening to blow up my spot,

my dad was still
refusing to give up his.

How long are we gonna
do this? Just give it up.

I was here first.

According to parking
rules, this space is mine.

We all know that there
are no rules to parking.

Look. I'm in more of the
spot than you are, so it's mine.

You just said, "No rules,"

yet you just told me
a rule, you moron.

Murray, it's a stupid parking
space. Stop being so stubborn.

Never. I will stay here forever.

I will make this my
home if I have to.

That's absurd.

How would you
get ready for work?

I would leave my job
and move my family here.

Don't be an idiot.

This spot can hold
three people, max,

not a whole family.

I will forsake my wife and
kids and my life as I know it

just for this parking space.

That is a horrible thing to...

Your wife is
sitting right there.

- Thank you, Larry.
- Yes.

Thank you, Larry, because
this is my new home.

- Not the pants.
- Oh, yes, the pants.

Don't you do it.

And this feels just like home.
Whoo! Whoo! It feels good.

You know, I like to dig in,
but this is next level, buddy.

Good luck to you, Beverly.

You see that, Bevy?

This is what victory looks like.

And that's what the end
of a concert looks like.

But we won the space,
and that's not nothing.

Oh, my God.

My plan with the vacuum sucked,

so my only option
was to double down.

I know I keep saying this, man,
but I don't know about this, man.

Shut up, Dave Kim.

My only choice is to turn
these obviously fake hickeys

into a convincing
paintball injuries.

Oh, balls!

Balls. Oh, balls. It hurts.

It hurts so bad.
Next time, warn me.

Thought it would be better
to surprise you. Ready?

Oh. It hurts worse.

It's worse when you
prepare. Don't let me prepare.

Go back to the other way.

Oh, man. Manischewitz!

- Sorry.
- Funky Cold Medina!

- So sorry.
- Mommy. Mommy.

Everyone okay? Thought
I heard a woman scream.

Yeah, probably scared
some freshman ladies

with my extreme p-ball training.

I had no idea you played
paintball. It's totally my thing.

It's totally my thing, too.

I used to go with
my college girlfriend,

- Paintsy McBallerson.
- Want to go with me sometime?

I'm always looking
for a battle partner.

- Uh, yeah, for sure.
- Great. It's a date.

Oh, my... Ow!

Dad, it has recently
come to my attention

that the Beach Boys concert
Mom invited me to 16 times

- was, in fact, Live Aid.
- How about that?

Yes. "How about that?" indeed.

What the hell is that?

This, Father, is a
traditional mok jong,

or as the uninitiated call
it, a karate training post.

Well, why is it blocking
The Rockford Files?

See, I have achieved a rage
so pure, so overwhelming,

I have no choice but to
channel it into this wooden thing

for the next three hours.

This is gonna be a
whole thing, isn't it?

Up windmill. Down windmill.

Cross block. Hyah-hyah!

Monkey steals the peach.
Tiger climbs the tree.

Looks like I'm not the only one
upset about missing their concert.

Look, I'm a stubborn
guy. I can't change that.

- You can change, and you will.
- It's an impossible ask.

To start, you're
taking me to Chi-Chi's,

and I'm finally gonna try those

sizzlin' fajitas
everybody's raving about.

You know my rule about
Mexican food. Can't do it.

That's the whole point.

You won't eat
Mexican food 'cause

once you had bad
nachos at a Phillies game.

There was a war inside me, Bevy.

That's on you for ordering
beans and liquid cheese

in an outdoor stadium in July.

I reject all Mexican
foods forever.

We're going to Chi-Chi's,
and you're gonna like it.

Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah!

Oh, my God.

Jordan's frat threw this sick
rager, and I was out till, like, dawn.

The best parties are
always at Omega Sig.

Wait. My cousin Brett goes
to Villanova, and he's Omega.

Oh? Wow!

Yeah, I thought they
can't have parties anymore

since T-Bone fell off the roof.

Maybe it's not Omega
Sig. It's Omega Beta.

That's right. I'm tired.

Actually, Omega
Beta is a sorority.

Yeah, we know because they
put out a calendar every year.

It's quite tasteful, and
the proceeds go to charity.

You don't know which
frat your boyfriend's in?

Wait. Fast. What
color are his eyes?

- Breen.
- Breen?

Oh, my God, are you
George Glass-ing us?

George what?

I mean, I don't even know
what you're talking about.

Come on. Erica, of all people,
wouldn't need to make up a boyfriend.

Thank you, Geoff. I mean, I've
never even seen The Brady Bunch.

Oh, you clearly just referenced

the thing you said you didn't
know, so now I feel sad for you.

- Me too.
- It's all unravelling.

Jordan Wahlberg.

All you did was combine two
names from New Kids on the Block.

So cute.

It's not cute. It's real, and it's
college, and breen is a color.

It's brown mixed
with green, so suck it.

Well, I guess we'll believe
it if and when we meet him.

You know, my nana says that
sometimes wishing makes it so.

- Your pity makes it worse.
- Agreed.

Well, well.

It appears even my
pathological sister

can't pull off a George Glass.

And like you're
doing any better?

In fact, I am. I have a romantic
paintball date with Waffle Girl.

How is paintball
romantic in any way?

Trust me, our love will
be forged on the battlefield

once she witnesses my unflinching
courage and legendary bravery.

I'm so scared. That one
grazed my hand a little.

Don't hurt me.
I'm just a little boy.

Wait. Alan, you
dropped your gun!

I don't care!

Isn't this great, Mur? See
how much fun we can have

when you're not busy
being a stubborn grump?

I have to admit,
it's not that bad.

And the chicken fajita
for the lovely señorita.

And for the señor...

Bup, bup. I ordered
the steak fajitas.

My sincerest apologies,
señor. No more steak fajitas.

- No more steak fajitas?
- Murray, chicken's fine.

Those people over there,
they were seated after us,

and they got
their steak fajitas.

This dinner is supposed to show
me how not stubborn you are.

Don't ruin it by
being extra stubborn.

Look, here's what's
gonna happen.

You're gonna go to every
table with steak fajitas,

take one off their
plate, put it on my plate.

Problem solved.

You take those chicken fajitas

and put them in a corn tortilla
right now, or I'm going home.

- Well, then go...
- Excuse me.

Because I'm not leaving until
my fajitas are good and steaked.

End of story.

See, Bevy? It all worked out.

We didn't get fajitas, but
we got something even better,

cheesesteaks from Jim's.

Yes, Murray, it all
worked out... For you.

- You can't still be mad.
- Ho-ho, I am.

Mom, you should practice
fighting my wooden post.

It took four hours, but I
punched all the rage out of me.

- Look. You're just as bad as me.
- Me stubborn?

When Adam gets a bad grade,
who storms down to school

and refuses to leave
until they change it?

Me, but...

And who had a two-hour
standoff at the deli counter

about how to slice
turkey breasts?

Our family only eats
paper-thin meats.

And who argued
about the warranty

of a decade-old washing machine
and somehow got it replaced?

I didn't do those
things for me, Murray.

I did them for
the people I love.

So, yes, I'm stubborn
when it comes to my family.

But you? You're only
stubborn for the things you want.

And that's not just
being stubborn.

That's just being plain selfish.

My date with Waffle Girl
had turned into a massacre...

Of my dignity.

Alan, I'm pinned!
You have to help me!

Um, okay, Waffle Girl.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

They keep hitting my hand.

Ugh. Your lady's pinned, dude.

You're gonna have to
flank left, draw enemy fire.

I'll break right,
she'll go for the flag.

Or another battle plan.

I flee back to the parking lot
and hide under your Tercel.

On three. Three!

Oh! Oh, balls!

I surrender, damn it.

Aah! Ew! Ow, ow, ow, ew!

I got it. That's game.

You saved us, wuss bag.

I had 100 bucks riding
on this, so I owe you one.

Turns out, love can sting.

But as much pain as I was
in, my sister hurt even more.

Fun time at paintball?

Yeah. I kind of made
an ass out of myself

in front of Waffle Girl.

Can't be worse than me.
You saw what happened.

Evy outed me, and everyone
thinks I'm a total joke.

Even Geoff?

Especially Geoff.

Anything I can do?

I wish.

Truth is, at this point, there
is nothing anybody can do.

It hard to watch someone
you care about hurt,

but every once in a while, love
can turn around and surprise you.

Murray? What is this?

I screwed up.

So I, uh, went
back to Chi-Chi's.

You went back to the
Mexican restaurant for me?

Look, I'm a stubborn
bastard. I always will be.

But I realized the most important
thing for me to be stubborn about

is making you happy.

That night, my dad gave
up his stubborn ways.

Eh, sort of.

Not bad.

It's not as sizzly when you
do them in the microwave.

But I don't know how to work
an oven, and I refuse to learn.

And yet my dad still learned
for one person, my mom.

Hey, Jan Brady.

You heading to Tappa Tappa Keg
to meet up with Donnie McIntyre?

It's Jordan Wahlberg.

Erica! Why haven't
you called me back?

Kappa Phi is throwing
a kegger tonight.

You coming or what?

Holy... He's real?

Sorry, Jordan Wahlberg, who is
clearly very real and very handsome.

- I told you, we're over.
- Okay, wait. Adam said if I...

It's done, so please just go.

Hey, sorry you guys had to
see that. He's taking it hard.

Looks like it.

Are you okay?

Yeah. He just wasn't the one.

Wow. Looks like you're a
true George Glass master.

Why did you help me?

Look, Waffle Girl is
just some random crush.

I don't even know her name,
and she thinks mine's Alan.

But you and Geoff,
that's the real deal.

No one's perfect
when it comes to family.

Easy. I'm still really sore.

Sometimes we lie,
sometimes we're stubborn.

Sometimes we get so
caught up in ourselves

that we forget to look
out for each other.

Oh, that's the Beach
Boys. Who was I thinking of?

- The Monkees.
- Ah, yeah, they're funny.

Maybe they'll be
at the next Live Aid.

But that's family for you.

In the end, God only knows
where we'd be without each other.

Punchy, punchy, kick, kick.

No, man, don't do that.

I tried to park, and you
jumped into the parking spot.

Yeah, that's great.

I got 20 other people who
could say the same thing.

- You don't got a camera.
- Do you?

- Yes.
- Come on down with it.

- I got what I want.
- Hi, Mom.

You made some headway
on Operation Waffle Girl.

Only took you four
years, but worth the wait.

I want to ask her out again,
preferably to something not painful.

Oh, no, you don't, Mister.
No more Waffle Girl.

She is much too old for you.

Mom, I'm an actual man
now, a man with needs.

And I'm gonna show Waffle
Girl just how much of a man I am,

and it's gonna get
so freaky that she...

She's right there
behind me, isn't she?

I'll come back in
another four years.