The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 24 - Graduation Day - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Ah,
going away to college.

Back in the day,
packing up your life

for a fresh start was a sacred ritual
for high-school seniors everywhere.

And no one was more excited
to go away forever than my sister.

Okay, I'm all
packed for college.

Now all I need is
to befriend my R.A.

so that I can throw a kegger
without consequences.

(CHUCKLES) Well,
you're three months early.

You haven't even
graduated high school yet.

I may have jumped the gun a bit,

but it's only because I'm
counting down the hours



until I get out of this
hellhole. You get it.

Well, I still have three months left
where you're my little baby schmoo

that I want to gobble up
because you're just so delicious!

Nyum, nyum, nyum!

Aww. Your mom-brain
is fighting this. It's funny.

There's nothing funny about
losing a child... To college.

Mom, face it. Our
family is changing.

Everything that you've come
to know over the past few years

is about to be
turned on its head.

Don't say that!

The Goldbergs will
always stay the same!

Nothing will ever
change in this house.

Nothing except Lainey
leaving for fashion school

and basically taking
a dump on my dreams.



Okay, fine. I acknowledge
that's also big.

Erica and Lainey
are going to college.

But that's it. No more changes.

Hey, Ma, can you pick
up some BIC razors?

Mine's a little dull from
scraping the old scruff.

No! Bad boy! You do not shave!

I gotta. My old lady,
Jackie, likes me smooth.

But I'm your old lady.

You know, saying that
kind of stuff was cute

when I was a tiny child,
but now it's getting weird.

Fine. Erica and
Lainey are leaving.

My little baby boy has grown into a
gangly, deep-voiced, furry young man.

But that's it. No more changes.

Look out, everybody. Make way!

Erica said that I can have her
room now that she's gone, right?

Oh, right. You're here, too.

That's right. From now on, it's gonna
be W-M-A-R-V playing all the hits.

I'm calling the shots now, Bev.

Screw it! I give up!

Nothing will ever be the
same again in this house!

I'm home! Nobody bother me!

TV's mine!

Never change, you
beautiful, miserable man!

(GROANS)

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
May 17th, 1980-something,

and I was with my favorite girl,
watching my favorite film franchise.

I don't want to overstate it,

but Police Academy 2:
Their First Assignment

is literally the most
important movie of our time.

Sure, it's a critical darling,

but if we're talking
about laughs per minute,

then you got to go with Police
Academy 3: Back in Training.

Point taken. Hey, do
you have time to stay

and watch Police Academy
4: Citizens on Patrol?

Obviously. Police Academy
5: Assignment: Miami Beach

comes out tomorrow, and
we can't go in unprepared.

Oh, my God! I have a girlfriend
who actually likes Police Academy!

You just called
me your girlfriend.

Oh, balls. Did I go... I
went too far. I went too far.

I mean, no. You said it, so
I'll say it, too. (CHUCKLES)

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.

- Boyfriend.
- A-girlfriend.

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend!

Damn it! Why do you insist

on ripping my heart
from my shredded pecs

and punting it into a
cauldron of flames?

Look, we only have a few
months left before I go to college!

Let's not waste it fighting!

But I want our Barry/Lainey
Summer of Love Farewell Tour

to be perfect!

And I want that, too,

but this list of mandatory
activities is just too much.

I mean, come on. Look at this...

"Road trips, picnics,
concerts, skiing,

"apple picking, berry picking,
pear picking..." So many fruits.

I don't want to work this hard.

(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) Hi.

This sounds like an intensely
personal conversation,

so you may want to
take it far, far away

from me and my girlfriend.

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.

(GROANS)

Ugh.

Look at us!

Look at us closely
and know that one day

you'll end up just like us,

you ridiculous children.

This is getting
weird and insulting.

All right. You'll see. We're the
future you, and it sucks hard.

That'll never be us, right?

Come on. We're rock-solid.

Nothing can shake that.

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.

- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.

ADULT ADAM: It was official.

I had a girlfriend who
liked Police Academy.

Life was finally looking
up until this happened.

- Oh, balls.
- Adam?

Yep. We've all been there.

Running into your
ex with your new love.

Naturally, I
handled it like a pro.

Dana! Hey!

How are things going up in here?

I was gonna call. I'm
back for the summer.

This summer? That's crazy!

I'm crazy! Summer!

Hot times! Fun in the sun!

Camp.

I'm Jackie.

Hi. Dana.

Sorry! Yes! Jackie, meet Dana!

Dana, meet Jackie!
Introductions, new friends...

Not friends, just street
ladies, ladies of the street.

No. You know what I mean.

Well, when you're free, we
should get together and catch up.

Ketchup!

(SINGING) Mustard, pickles

Onions on a sesame-seed bun

Well, great seeing
everybody. Bye, now.

Wait! What about Police Academy?

ADULT ADAM: As I desperately
escaped my worst nightmare,

my mom was dreaming up ways
to spend the summer with her baby.

Erica and Geoff. So
funny running into you here.

Damn it. She's
got the chalkboard!

Oh, no. I'm upset, but why?

That thing only comes out when
someone wants something dumb

that only makes
sense with a visual aid.

Hey, there's nothing dumb
about my Cuddle Calendar.

Oh, God, it's got a catchy,
but terrible name. Run, Geoff.

Shield your innocent
eyes! Go, go, go!

I can't! The board's
blocking us! We're trapped!

According to my calculations,

you have 63 days left
before you leave this house

and break my heart,
literally killing me dead,

which is why I made this schedule,
to maximize mommy-daughter time.

Okay, according to
this ridiculous calendar,

I'm spending every
waking second with you.

When do I hang out with Geoff?

Well, you see
that little sliver?

Right there is a little sliver.

Well, maybe you don't
see it, but it says "G.S."

Oh, that's me. I get Erica time.

- Bro, let me handle this.
- Check.

Okay, here. Let me draw
you a chart of my own.

This circle represents how I'll
be splitting up the rest of my time.

Erica, please.

I'm just gonna miss you so much.

I need to spend as much
time with you as I can.

Babe, as much as I
love your circle of Geoff,

I couldn't enjoy it knowing
it's killing your mom.

I'll be back for my sliver.

Until then, be with her.

No! Stop feeling so deeply!

It's what I love about you,

- but it's very inconvenient right now!
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Gah! This is exactly
why I can't wait

to leave this house
and never come back.

Oh, poop. We both know
you're gonna miss my cuddles

and snuggies and
plubbies next year.

I'm sorry. "Plubbies"?

It's something I've
been work-shopping,

and I think it's ready to go.

(CHUCKLES) Guard
your belly button.

Gah!

Hey.

Hey.

Look, I'm sorry.

Dana was my first real girlfriend,
and seeing her took me by surprise.

That's all. I swear.

- It's okay. I get it.
- You do?

Yeah. It's... It's still weird
between me and my old boyfriend.

Uh, where is he?

All I see is Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Casually displaying his athleticism.

Yeah. That's my ex.

Wait. You were with
Ruben Amaro, Jr.,

the Ruben Amaro, Jr.?

From seventh to
ninth grade. Why?

You spanned three
grades with the guy

who isn't afraid to change
into his gym clothes

without a towel
around his waist?

This is not okay!

Oh, so, you can be weird around
Dana, but I can't be weird around my ex?

I'm not worried
about you being weird.

I'm worried about you
two still having a spark.

I didn't say there was a spark.

It's Ruben Amaro, Jr.

Even I feel a spark
when he walks by.

Okay, is this what's
going on with Dana?

Do you still have
feelings for her?

Don't try to turn
this around on me.

I'm still turning
this around on you.

Okay, you're being insane,

so have fun figuring
things out with your ex

and don't let
me be a part of it.

Told you, bro. All love ends.

Stop! We'll work it out.

No, you won't. You'll
just end up like me,

sniffing a sweater Lainey left
in my room to remind me of her.

- That's Mom's.
- No!

ADULT ADAM: Time was
running out for Barry and Lainey,

and the same was
true for Geoff and Erica.

Just look at everyone,
cleaning out lockers,

signing yearbooks,
saying goodbye.

Let's cherish these
moments, people!

Cherish my butt!
You suck, Schwartz!

Sorry. That was uncalled for.

I have a hard time
with transitions.

Why are you the
one freaking out here?

I'm graduating, not you.

I can't help it. Don't you
realize this is the last time

we'll ever walk down
this hallway together?

Last time we'll ever reach
your locker side-by-side?

Last time I'll ever watch your
nose crinkle as you spin that lock?

Last time I overlook
that you might be gross?

Okay, please stop
narrating all my last things.

There is so much stuff in here.

What's with all these
notes from your mom?

She put one in my lunch
every day like a crazy lady,

and I just chuck them in here.

"Dear Schmoo, I love you more
today than I ever have before.

"I am here for you always."

Okay, that one's kind of sweet.

"Dear Boopie,
you're a perfect angel,

"and Drew Kremp
doesn't deserve you.

"P.S. His Mustang now has
some serious scratches"?

Holy crap. She's the one
who keyed Drew's car?

"Dear Squishy, I know change is
hard, but I promise you, sweetie,

"your boobies will grow
just like the rest of you."

Okay, maybe I
shouldn't read all these.

Wow. I should have paid a
bit more attention to these.

You okay?

I'm really not.

I just realized...

My mom is amazing.

I'm gonna miss her so damn much!

- What?
- She's always been there for me.

How will I survive without her?

Maybe you should ask her.

Don't be mad. I'm
not here to bother you.

I'm just subbing
for Señora Gomez.

But I did make you these
marshmallow fudge chubbies.

Adios, mija. (SMOOCHES)

- So good.
- I know.

These are my last
marshmallow fudge chubbies.

God, I hate her so much for
making me love her like this!

ADULT ADAM: The big
day was here. Graduation.

It was a time to celebrate the
past, look forward to the future,

and, for my family, be
irritated in the present.

- (SOBBING)
- Bev, stop with the crying.

I can't hear the children
say stupid things.

But my baby is graduating
from high school,

a day I've been dreading since
she graduated from my body.

She's gone forever!

Hoo-hoo! One down, two to go!

I think both of your attitudes

are very extreme and terrible.

And now the moment
we've all been waiting for...

I'd like to invite our
graduating seniors

to get in line and
receive their diploma.

(POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE PLAYING)

(SIGHS HEAVILY) I can't believe
my baby's going off to college

in just a few days.

You mean a few months.

Uh, sure. Months.

Not on Tuesday morning
before traffic gets bad.

- What?
- I didn't borrow

my cousin Greg's flatbed
truck. So, yeah, months.

It sounds like you borrowed
your cousin Greg's flatbed truck

'cause my girlfriend
is leaving on Tuesday.

- You should talk to Lainey.
- Lainey!

- I didn't mean now.
- Sit down!

What is this about you
leaving in a few days?

Mr. Goldberg, could you please
not interrupt our joyous ceremony?

Oh, God. He knows I'm leaving early
for Savannah. How does he know?

I'm sorry, baby!
He got it out of me!

William Vanica. Dang it!

If you're not
graduating, take a seat!

Oh, crap! He's on the move!

He's coming over. What do I do?

I don't know, man.

I got a really deep emotional
thing with my mommy going on.

I'm, like, not okay in the head.

Dude, how could you
leave early and not tell me?

I'll explain everything when
the time is right, which is not now!

No! No way! Do not
walk away from me.

I'm not walking away.

I'm slowly and deliberately
marching to receive my diploma.

Joyce Basilone. Congratulations.

Mr. Goldberg, you are
not part of the processional.

Do not process!

This was supposed to be

our Barry/Lainey Summer
of Love Farewell Tour!

Now it's done!

I was gonna tell you
at the graduation party

'cause I didn't
want to ruin today,

which is exactly what
you're doing right now!

Lainey Lewis.

Not the time, man!

You know what? Maybe
it's best I'm leaving early.

Maybe it is!

(VOICE BREAKING) Thank
you so much. I'm very happy.

You're not the only one whose
life is crumbling, you big butt!

And we'll just move
right along to...

Erica Goldberg.

ADULT ADAM: My sister was
steps away from starting her adult life,

but as she stood
speechless on that stage,

nothing scared her more.

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Erica, please let's just end this.

- Just take it.
- No.

- Take the diploma.
- Pass.

You can't pass.

But I can, and I do.

- Take it.
- Take the diploma!

No. Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Don't come at me with that diploma.
- You take this!

No! Fight it!
Fight that diploma!

- Take this. You earned it.
- Never!

No fighting, just graduating!

Seriously, it's a
great moment for you!

I will never graduate!

You cannot force
my life to start!

Erica, please, just take it!

- No! Get away from me!
- It's one of the rules!

- Just take it!
- Sorry. I slept in.

Did Erica have
her bat mitzvah yet?

- Come on!
- Get out of here!

- Just take it!
- Stop following me!

Take the diploma!

Oy. What a mess.

Tell me about it. How could
Jackie date Ruben Amaro, Jr.

And not even tell me?

ADULT ADAM: Okay,
yeah, I was insanely jealous

of Jackie's jock-y ex-boyfriend.

And so I made a
date with my ex, Dana.

- Like they say, "Old love dies hard."
- (LAUGHTER)

Isn't this awesome?

Yeah. I guess.

You just checked your watch
instead of laughing hysterically

at how tall Bubba Smith
is. What's going on?

I don't get it. This is part 5.

Shouldn't they have graduated
the Academy after the first one?

I think the problem is
you're focusing on logic,

not the lovable
cast of characters.

(MIMICS SOUND EFFECTS)

Okay, in what world
would an officer of the law

stop a jewel thief by
making weird mouth noises?

That's Michael Winslow.
He's a national treasure.

They're LAPD. They wouldn't
have any jurisdiction in Miami.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, it was
clear that our spark was gone forever.

Dana was my past love,
but Jackie was the future

and I had to get her back.

But first, I had to end it with
Dana and break her poor heart.

Okay, what's going on?

Look, I've been wrestling
with these emotions

much like Hightower
wrestled that alligator.

And just as Steve
Guttenberg had to move on

from the Police
Academy franchise...

I, too, must move on.

Wait.

Did you think this was a date?

ADULT ADAM: Uh-oh.

The way you say that
makes me feel like...

Oh, balls.

I misread this entire situation.

- Adam, I'm sorry if you thought...
- Don't be.

It was really great
seeing you again, Dana.

I hope it's not the last time.

That day, I looked like an
epic tool in front of Dana,

but even worse,
I had lost Jackie.

As for my mom and Erica,

they found out that avoiding
graduation wasn't an option.

I can't believe I graduated.

More than that, I can't believe
I let Principal Ball catch me.

The man's like a bald
cheetah. Who knew?

What the hell?
This isn't a diploma.

It's a note from that
putz with the whistle!

"Insufficient credits.
See Coach Mellor"?

What does that mean?
Somebody say something.

Mellor always said that if
I skipped too much gym,

I wouldn't get my diploma.

I thought he was full of crap

because, you know,
gym is stupid, but it's real!

You mean... You're
not going to college?

I'm not going to college!

You're not going to college!

My life has come
to a grinding halt!

It's everything
I've ever hoped for!

Wait a second! This is insane!

Yay! I'm a cautionary tale!

(LAUGHS)

What? Can't I enjoy the
success of my failing child?

Believe me, I don't
want to see her go, either,

but she's leaving, end of story.

Murray, I can't handle losing
her for the next four years.

I'd rather lose her
for a few short years

than hold her back forever.

ADULT ADAM: My mom was about
to do the hardest thing of her life.

Force the school to
turn over Erica's diploma.

Coach Mellor, we meet
again one last, final time.

I take it you read that
little note I left for Erica.

All right, let's tango.

She's not coming. It's just me.

But I kind of need her here.

I had a big, angry speech
meant to guilt and shame her

for missing my class
27 times this year.

This is an outrage. You
have no right to target her...

27 times? Wow. That's a lot.

And she forged a doctor's note

saying she couldn't run or
jump because of "lady problems."

How dare you accuse
her of forgery when you're...

"Dr. Edmund T. Doctorman."

- Oh, come on.
- I warned her for three years...

"Fail gym, pay the price."

Okay, she's still
a wonderful girl,

and I will stop at nothing
until you give me that diploma.

(GROANS) Here you go.

- That's it?
- Brace yourself.

Ready to have your mind
blown? I have no real power.

My greatest weapon is
threatening the kids with failing gym.

So, every year, I terrify
the attractive, popular kids

to let them know that their
actions have consequences,

even though they
really, really don't.

Oh, I'm sorry. (SIGHS)

Do you want me to call
Erica and bring her in here?

Eh, the moment's gone. (SIGHS)

You raised an amazing
woman, Beverly Goldberg.

It's been a pleasure
doing battle with you.

Pleasure's been mine.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out my
mom didn't need to fight after all.

As for Barry, he was
just plain devastated

after his graduation
fight with Lainey.

Wow.

You're really clutching
your Wrestling Buddy there.

You only do that
when you're super sad.

Lainey's never gonna forgive
me for spazzing up her graduation.

Her dad said she's not
even coming to Erica's party.

Oh, God, I've never
seen you this bad.

Well, I may not be able
to fix things with Lainey,

but I think I know a way
to at least make you smile.

BARRY: Police Academy 5?

Assignment: Miami Beach.

Guaranteed to wash
away your heartache.

Balls, balls. It's Jackie.
Let's get out of here.

Wait. She's seeing
this thing by herself,

and you just want to walk away?

What about you?

I'll be fine. You've
found your nerd-mate.

Now go.

Is this seat taken?

Well, look who it is.

I know it seems
like I'm stalking you,

but this is a legit coincidence,

which makes me think I was
a huge idiot, and I'm sorry.

What about Dana?

She was my first girlfriend,
and she'll always be,

but that doesn't
mean she's the one.

Just sit your butt down already.

Boyfriend.

Girlfriend.

ADULT ADAM: And so we decided
to let go of our romantic pasts

and just live in the moment.

As for my mom, she
was ready to make sure

Erica didn't put
her future on hold.

Hey, love bug. Whatcha doin'?

Unpacking.

Listen.

You know it's my dream for you
to always be my little baby chicken.

- Don't say "but."
- But...

As scary as it is, I think we
both know it's time for you to go.

My diploma? Oh, no. What
did you do to Coach Mellor?

Actually, even he knows
it's time for you to move on.

For the last four years, I've made
fun of you for dreading this day.

And now it's here.

(VOICE TREMBLES) And I'm
more scared than you ever were.

But you should know,

no matter where you
are or what you're doing,

(VOICE BREAKING) I
will always fight for you

in an embarrassing
and inappropriate way.

You're gonna change
the world, Erica Goldberg.

And you're gonna visit... A lot.

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
sometimes we need that little push

to get us where
we're meant to go.

And sometimes,
the journey is hard.

And we struggle to accept
the bumps along the way,

but it's the people you love most
that can help you get through it.

- Sorry, I'm late.
- Lainey.

I didn't think you'd
ever talk to me again,

you know, after
ruining your graduation

and embarrassing you in front
of everyone you've ever known.

- Yeah, that was bad.
- It wasn't great.

It was basically the worst.

Well... I don't blame you
if you hate me forever.

Hate you?

After everything
we've been through,

all those memories, the
best moments of my life?

I could never hate you.

We really had some
good times, huh?

We had some great times.

- (CHUCKLES)
- And you know what?

This is the spot where we
had our first real conversation.

Yep.

I threw that party,
made an ass of myself

and you were the only
one who was there for me.

God, so much has
changed since then.

I mean, not everything.
(CHUCKLES)

Even back then, I
knew I loved you.

And no matter where we
go, we'll always have that.

You coming?

I'll be there in a sec.

How do you know so
much stuff about me?

Your sister's my best friend.

I've known you my whole life,
and I can honestly say there's

no one like you.

Thanks.

ADULT ADAM: Turns
out Erica was right.

Our family would
never be the same.

- To my peanut.
- ALL: To peanut!

Not a person in that room
knew what the future held,

and, yeah, it was scary.

But that's the thing
about growing up.

You learn that the
things that scare you most

end up being the
greatest memories.

And for me, the
best had yet to come.

Sure, sometimes I forget details

and always seem to
get the dates wrong,

but everything we
knew was changing.

And those next few
years of 1980-something,

well, they'd become
the stuff of legend.

Get ready to
gobble-gobble, Goldbergs.

And your taste buds
are about to explode.

ALL: (SINGING) Happy
birthday, dear Murray and Bev

ADAM: Ah, no! Don't hurt me!

MURRAY: You
almost broke that light!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)