The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 23 - Jedi Master Adam Skywalker - full transcript

As the school year comes to a close, Barry and Erica wonder what they'll be voted for in the yearbook and pressure Adam - who's on staff - to see the rough layout before it goes to print. But when they accidentally delete it, mass panic ensues and messes up Adam's relationship with Jackie. Meanwhile, Murray is annoyed when Marvin comes to visit for money, but Beverly convinces him to help Marvin out with a plan, because he's family.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the day, we
all had that one crazy, legendary uncle.

For me, it was my
dad's brother Marvin.

He had a million jobs,

always annoyed my dad when
he came over to Thanksgiving...

Go away!

could sweet-talk anyone.


Oh, my word!

Have I stumbled
into the residence

of workout goddess Jane Fonda?

(CHUCKLES) Marvin, come on.

(LAUGHS) Get in here!


There they are,
Crockett and Tubbs.

- What up, my men?
- We have no money! Please go away.

I'm not here for your
money, Mur-Man.

I'm just dropping
by to see the fam.

He's right, Mur. Be nice to
your brother. It's Thanksgiving.

It's the middle of May.

Oh. Then, yeah,
he's here for cash.

How dare you suggest
that I am here for a handout?

Although, as luck would have
it, I am having a spot of bad luck.

- Here we go.
- Just hear him out.

Tell us about your
recent failures, Marvin.

Classic tale.

There I was, minding
my own business

in this mystical shop on
the outskirts of Chinatown

when, suddenly, this
ancient man popped out

and asked me if I wanted to
buy this rare and exotic pet.

Ooh! Like a
sassy, colorful bird?

Better. A Mogwai.

And so, naturally, I
handed him $6,000.

- Are you nuts?
- That's not even the worst part.

You see, these Mogwai are
"super-high maintenance."

You can't get them
wet, no bright lights,

and if you feed
them after midnight,

they become these
bloodthirsty monsters!

Who would buy a
pet like that? Who?

No one! That's who!
It's from Gremlins.

Murray, please. He had
some trouble in Chinatown.

Just give him some money.

It's on Adam's
lunchbox. It's right here!

How dare you exploit the
fact that I'm a kid at heart?

This is what he's talking about!

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

May 10th, 1980-something,

and my brother was working hard

to get voted Best Dancer
in the school yearbook.

Barry Goldberg! Best
Electric Boogaloo!

ADULT ADAM: But, to be
honest, he'd take best anything.

I'm doing business on my phone!

Vote Barry Goldberg,
Most Likely to Succeed!

Barry Goldberg,
Most Likely to Do This.

Barry Goldberg, Best Juggler.

ADULT ADAM: After two weeks
of campaigning, he got desperate.

Hey! What the... Why
is this happening?

Just get in the locker! Vote
for Barry Goldberg! Best Bully!

I won't let you down.

ADAM: Dude, you're
hurting my body!

Damn it. Why won't you fit?

Well, 'cause I'm not a child
anymore! I'm a grown person!

How do you not see it by now?

For your information,

Best Bully isn't
something in the yearbook.

How would you know?

You're just one of
Adam's dumb little friends.

Actually, I'm the editor.

No way! So what'd I get?

Let's just say you weren't recognized
for any individual achievement.

Damn it! I've got
to be something!

Guess who got Best
Substitute Teacher?

The guy with the
bat from Lean on Me?

It's your mom,
dude. Enjoy your day.

Bye, Adam.

- Later, babe.
- Later.

The yearbook must be stopped.

Not being recognized
for my awesomeness

is the greatest injustice
this world has ever seen.

You should get Kindest Eyes.

And you should get Rightest
Guy 'cause you're right!

That's not an equal
compliment, but I'll take it.

Okay, I probably shouldn't
be saying this out loud,

but the only thing I want in the world
is to get Cutest Couple with Erica.

Geoff, it's just a lame
yearbook. Who cares?

Especially 'cause we're a
lock, so why obsess over it?

A lock? Come on. There's way
better, cuter couples out there.

- Like who?
- Hello? Me and Barry?

- Mmm-hmm.
- You'd totally win.

Except half your couple is
Barry, so... Womp, womp.

Hate to be this guy,

but I think everyone's kind of over
the whole Erica and Geoff thing.

Yeah, Barry and Lainey may
not be the fresh new couple,

but you can't help
but root for them.

- Ha!
- No! They're right!

Damn it, I need this win! I've
got to find out who they picked!

- Just go ask Adam.
- 'Cause he's on the yearbook staff.

- Since when?
- Since he started dating the editor.

You mean Dana?

You should really get
to know your brother.

You mean punch him until
we get what we want, right?

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
and Barry suddenly needed me,

my mom realized my uncle
was in dire need of a lifeline.

- God!
- BEVERLY: Marvin, wait.

I can't let you leave

I made you three
casseroles and a Jell-O ring.

You're always so good to me.

Marvin. Are you okay?

All right, here's
the cold hard truth.

You know all that stuff I was
saying about the Mogwais?

It's not real. It's from
this movie, Gremlins.

It's made by Steven Spielberg.
It's got all these little Muppets in it.

- It's surprisingly scary.
- Everybody knows the movie.

Starring Phoebe Cates.

(WHOOPS) Is she my type!

Please, let me help you.

Okay, here's the deal. I
gambled away a lot of money

in Atlantic City playing Keno.

Keno? What are you, 75
years old? Nobody plays that!

That's why I thought I
had an edge! Damn it!

You know, instead of coming
to Murray asking for money,

why don't you ask him for
a job at the furniture store?

Oh, man, if you get me this job,

I will never ask you
for anything again.

If you're serious,

I will do everything in
my power to get you a job.

Absolutely not!
The answer is no.

You don't have to convince
anyone, Marvin. The job's all yours.

Look, Barry already worked
here, and it was a disaster.

I'm not hiring another
child from this family.

(SCOFFS) If I'm a child, then
why was I sentenced as an adult

when I borrowed
that police horse?

Well, I'm still a partner, and I
can hire and fire whoever I want.

- Marvin, you're hired.
- Yes!

- And I can do this. You're fired.
- No!

- You're hired again.
- Boom!

- You're fired.
- Frickin' Reaganomics!

You're hired back.

I promise I won't let
you down this time, boss.

- I'm gonna give it my all.
- You're fired.

- You're hired again.

- Yes!
- You're fired.


And you're hired
again, end of story.

Well, that was a roller-coaster
ride. Glad it worked out.

It's settled. Good. Bye.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
my dad had his newest employee.

Meanwhile, my older
siblings came to me

- for a little polite conversation.

Hey! That was my record! Seven!

Okay, it was six.
What do you want?

I need you to change the
yearbook so I get Most Handsome

or Most Likely to Jump a
BMX Over the Grand Canyon!


Well, what about telling
your gentle, loving sister

who's always adored
you what she got?

Yeah, I'm not
gonna do any of that.

Hold him down. I'll beat
him with his own toys!

Go ahead!

Nothing you can
do will hurt as much

as betraying my
fellow yearbook staff!

I don't care about
your dumb baby club!

This is a very serious
real, adult problem!

Now tell me if Geoff
and I got Raddest Couple!

How about this?

I tell you nothing, and you put some
Magic Shell on some ice cream for me.

Why is he making delicious
demands instead of cowering in fear?

'Cause for the first time
ever, I have absolute power.

I not only know
what's in the yearbook,

but I can rewrite
it as I please.

- You're bluffing. He's bluffing.
- Maybe I am.

Or maybe I make you Most Likely to
Share an Apartment With Her Mother.

- That's my nightmare!
- Or is it your destiny?

- No!
- Make him stop.

I'm just getting started, Most Likely
to Lose a Freestyle Rap Competition.

- Don't you dare put that in.
- You got it, Worst Dirt Biker.

- No!
- Slowest Nunchucker.

He's attacking my
private insecurities!

I have extensive
demands. If you meet them,

I might be inclined to let you
sneak a peek at the yearbook.

Clean your room,
do your homework,

buy you scratch
'n sniff stickers?

I wrote the list four years ago.

I've waited my whole life for
this moment, and it's finally here.

I'm no longer your nerdy
little brother. I'm your equal.

- Just let me kick him!
- Control your feet, Barry.

He owns us.

Barry, do me a favor
and scratch this for me?

- My finger grows weary.
- Never!

Suit yourself, Most Likely to
Never Dunk on a Regulation Basket.


ADULT ADAM: As I savored
the sweet smell of revenge,

my uncle was hungry to begin
peddling ugly '80s furniture.

(CHUCKLES) Don't sweat it, Mur. I
give you my word I won't let you down.

I literally have never
been able to count on you.

So I'm due!

You have never come
through for me ever.

All you have to do is teach
me everything you know,

starting now. Like,
what's this called?

- Lamp.
- Lamp! Got it!

All right. Keep them coming.
What's this thing here?

- Couch.
- Ooh! How about this?

- Coffee table.
- Ooh! What's this jammy here?

- Couch.
- What's this?

- Table.
- What's this thing named?

- Chair again.
- Ooh! What's this?

- Couch.
- Any details you want to share?

- Couch!
- Done!

I know what you know
now! We are now equals!

Let the sales begin!

ADULT ADAM: And so Marvin was
off to prove himself, no questions asked.

Is this a clock-in,
clock-out situation,

or am I on salary?

Doesn't matter!
I'm in it to win it!

Let's sell some
extra-size chairs!

Couch! Why is that not sticking?

ADULT ADAM: Okay, yeah,
this wasn't gonna go well.

Desperate to find out what
they'd be voted in the yearbook,

Erica and Barry had
no choice but to give in

to my list of
ridiculous demands.

Okay, they were out of
grape scratch 'n sniff stickers,

so I got hamburger,
pizza, and skunk.

Skunk? Use your head, man!

That's the one scratch
no one wants to sniff!

Oh, no!

Do you think Jedi Master Adam
Skywalker will be displeased?

He's not here. You
don't have to call him that.

I've got to get in the habit.

If I screw up, who knows what
he'll label me in the yearbook?

This is crazy! We're scared
of Adam! He's, like, a tiny boy.

He's been on the computer all
day proofreading the yearbook.

Let's just go in and swipe
the stupid floppy disc.

- Oh, no.
- Stop panicking.

We've got to think of
a brilliant, complex plan

to lure him away from it.

ADULT ADAM: And lure me she
did, using my one great weakness.

Yo, Jedi Master?

Number three on
your list is to inform you

of any pertinent TV marathons,

and there's a whole
block of ALF on.

Yes! It's show time, buddy!

ADULT ADAM: Okay, so their plan
wasn't so much clever and complex

as it was sad and easy.

Here we go. Okay.
Let's see what we get.

Son of a bitch! It's Anthony
Balsamo and Lexy Bloom?

They gave it to the head cheerleader
and our handsome quarterback!

What kind of backwards
school do we go to?

Screw that. I'm changing Cutest
Couple to me and what's-his-face.

It's a weird time to forget my
name, but do it for us, baby.

No way! This is
my shining moment!

- Stop it!
- Stop it!

- You stop it!
- You stop it!

- Stop it!
- Lainey, stop it!

- Stop!
- Stop! Knock it off!

- Lainey, stop it!
- BARRY: Stop fighting!

Everyone, come on!

I want Barry and
Lainey, Best Couple!

Are you kidding me?

(GASPS) It's Jedi Master Adam!

How dare you use ALF's
good name to distract me?

ALF is sacred!

- He eats cats, dude.
- Cats are the chicken of Melmac!

Doesn't matter! Give me my disc.

You left us no choice, man.

We've been working our fingers
to the bone to make you happy!

Just let me make
one little change.

- Never!
- Give us the floppy!

We need it! Hand it over!

then it happened.


ADULT ADAM: Barry accidentally
grazed the inside of the disc.

Yep, back then, a fragile floppy
could be ruined with one tiny touch.

Oh, no. You touched
the tender insides!

No, I didn't. My fingers
missed the tender insides.

I saw it. Your meaty thumb
was all over the tender insides!

My fingers missed
the tender insides!

Let's relax!

The tender insides
are still gonna be okay.

ADULT ADAM: It was the
most tense moment of my life.

Surely, a fingerprint couldn't
cause that much damage.

And yet it did.

He touched the tender insides.

I didn't think I touched it.

So, now that
we're starting fresh,

may I suggest Geoff and
Erica for Cutest Couple?

Too soon?

lost the entire school year,

my uncle discovered a
cushy way to make us millions.

What the hell is this?

This, my dear
brother, is our future.

I give you bean bags!

I don't want any bean bags!

Take them back to
where they come from.

Please, just hear me out.

Do you remember last year when
I went back to college for a week?

Yeah, I paid for
the whole semester.

Well, before I was unfairly kicked
out of the freshman dorm for that fire,

I learned that every kid
comes with two things.

A mini-fridge and
bean-bag chairs.

Marvin! This isn't a
get-rich-quick scheme.

We sell furniture!

Um... Bean-bag
chairs are furniture.

They're soft, colorful
balls of furniture.

How are you not getting this?

Damn it, Marvin! No person
wants to sit on a sack of beans.

Yes, they will! Just pull
up a bag and sit on it!

I will never sit on
a bag of beans.

- Sit on the beans.
- I don't want to sit on the beans!

- No! Come on!
- Try it!

Stop it! I don't want to try it!

- Ease on down to comfy town.
- I don't want to! I just don't...

Yes. Now let the tiny
beans work their magic.

Damn it! I'm stuck!

The more I push,
the more I sink!

You're doing it wrong.
You've got to shimmy out.

- Like me. Watch.
- I am shimmying!

(GRUNTS) You've
just got to do like I do.


Now I'm stuck in this
horrible cloud of beans!

- I knew this was a bad idea!
- Help me!

You were supposed
to take this seriously!

I do!

But if you don't appreciate
me, then I'm gonna quit.

More like you're fired!
Let me show you the door!

Yeah, don't bother.
I'll go through it myself.


The whole yearbook's
gone? How did this happen?

Well, as you know, these
two treat me like a child,

so I composed a list of demands

for when the balance of
power shifted in my favor.

What are you even talking about?

Do you have any idea how much
time I've spent working on this layout?

Based on the fact that
this is the yearbook,

I'm gonna go with a year?

Yes. And now it's all gone.

Don't worry, Dana.

I've literally memorized
the entire school year.

All I've got to do is
re-create the yearbook

using my brain snapshots.

- You mean your memories?
- Accessing first day of school.

It was late September,

It was snowing hard, and the
Eagles were in the Super Bowl.

None of that's right.

Geoff Schwartz was there,
and he said something funny.

And we were like,
"Good one, bro."

- That does sound like me.
- Just forget about it.

I still have the hard copy,

so I'll just retype the
whole thing by myself.

- At least let me help.
- No. Trust me. You've done enough.

You think this was my fault?

They told me ALF was on.

I mean, puppetry, comedy,
a wisecracking alien.

Come on! I'm just a man.

No. No, you're really not.
You're actually just a child.

Thanks a lot!
You ruined my life.

You started this when you gave
us that insane list of demands.

Do you even know why I wrote it?

My whole life, you've treated
me like some insignificant baby!

I couldn't wait till I got to high
school so I could be an equal.

But it got worse!
You respect me less!

- Adam.
- No!

It's bad enough that you
always see me as a little child,

but now Jackie does, too.

I hope you're happy.

Jedi Master Adam's
done with you two!



Huh? (CHUCKLES) Oh, hey!

Bev! How's it going?

just popping into the Wawa here

to pick up some strawberry milk

and get a box of
California Raisins.

You've got to
treat the body good

if you want it to
treat you good back.

You know what I'm saying?

Are you just saying a
bunch of words to distract me

from the fact that
you're living in your car?

Can't a man just have all
of his worldly possessions

stuffed into his DeLorean?

What happened to your condo?

Funny story, sad story.

I had to sell it in order to
get rid of my Keno debt,

which is a good thing because now
I'm free and clear to start over fresh.

Fresh? You're homeless.

I like to think of it not as
home-less but as car-full.

I'm actually thrilled this is
happening, except for the bucket.

Don't look in the bucket.

Okay, you're coming
home with me.

You can stay in the basement
until you get back on your feet.

Yeah, I don't know if the
Mur-Man's gonna be cool with that.

Marvin, he loves you dearly.

He may act all angry,

but deep in his heart, he
wants you to live with us.

I do not want
him living with us!

I'm saying it out loud
so everyone can hear!

He's got to go! No Marvin!

Think you're right, Bev.

He's playing super
angry, but he wants this.

(LAUGHS) I knew this
would happen! I called it.

Now I've got four kids living
here forever and leeching off me.

That's it!

I am tired of you always
calling me your idiot kid brother!

Just once, I want
you to treat me

like Barry and Erica treat Adam,

with a little bit of
dignity and respect!

The timing of this
comparison is not good.

That's why I'm a damaged
shell of a man, Murray,

because you never looked
at me like I was your equal,

unlike these two angels,

who build up their kid
brother, no matter what!

Oh, my God. Adam's
gonna be Marvin.

We've got to fix this.

You see that?

There they go,

off to make a growing
boy's dreams come true.

- Learn from them.
- Don't do that.

Don't make me out
to be the bad guy here.

Right. 'Cause that's always me.

Good news, Murray.
You never have to worry

about another kid staying
in your house ever again.

ADULT ADAM: And so my dad's harsh
words would finally drive my uncle away.

Only problem, he was out of gas.

MARVIN: There you go! Yeah!


Uh, I don't want to sound
ungrateful here, Bevy,

but you've got to
put your back into it!

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to Barry
and Erica, I had lost the yearbook

and my girlfriend,
or so I thought.

Hey, big man. Big old man-boy.

Not boy. Man. Full man.

I don't know what's
happening, but make it stop.

Look, you were right.

It's not fair that we still
treat you like a dumb little kid.

From now on, you're no
longer our nerdy baby bro.

You're like a real
person that matters.

Well, none of that helps
me get Jackie back.

Lucky for you, we can help with
that by doing what we do best.

Redeeming relationships
with original song.

Hit it!

(RAPPING) Dear Jackie
I really miss you, girl

It's me, Adam The
nerdiest nerd in the world

Yeah, I once was a boy
Who liked robots and space

But now I'm a man Who
likes smooching your face

Anyway, Jackie I'm so, so sorry

Now come to my
basement And let's play Atari

Girl, I must confess

Ah, yeah

I'm in complete distress

My heart's in two, girl

About this yearbook mess

Forgive me

He's a man, he's
a man He's a man

Adam is the man

Sorry about ruining
your life's work.

I've got to say, that was
pretty well-rehearsed

for how bad it was.

Was it the chorus?
I told them it sucked!

Forget the song.

Fact is, if I want to be
treated like an adult,

I've got to act like one.

And that means taking
real responsibility.

Oh, look. Our baby
brother is a baby man now.

What can we do to help?

How are your typing skills?

- Done!
- What's this?

The yearbook. Every page,
every caption. It's all there.

How is that even possible?

First, I got my brother
and sister to help.

Then we got all
our closest friends

to retype it page by page.

- You did that for me?
- I did.

And then I read it,
and it was a giant mess.

So I took the disc that we
destroyed to a computer expert

and spent all my
Bar Mitzvah money

to fix the tender
insides of the floppy.

Got to say, I'm impressed.

I did make one change, though.

I made us Cutest Couple.

That's a blatant abuse of power.

And I'm good with it.

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
I learned the easiest way

to be treated like a
grown-up was to act like one.

And my dad realized
that, despite everything,

his little brother had
actually come a long way.


Go away. I'm about
to sit down to dinner.

Here's a key.

What's that?

You're moving in.

Well, I thought you didn't want
another kid leeching off of you.

You're not a kid.
You're my brother.

And you won't be leeching
'cause you're paying rent.

How? I don't have a job.

Yeah, you do. At
the store with me.

Why? Why would you do that?

It's time we both
started believing in you.

(SHAKILY) I just
messed up everything.

Maybe you did.

But it's never too
late to start over.

- Really?
- Together.

Thanks, Mur.

ADULT ADAM: That's the
thing about the people you love.

No matter what, they always
give you another chance.


Oh, Sweet God.

Don't get a big head about it.

No, read what I wrote.


That's crazy, right? It's crazy.


Would you look at that?
Our little man's all grown up.

Gross. But cute.

- We're kissing now. It's happening.
- Like "now" now?

ADULT ADAM: Even though I'd
always be the baby of the family,

that year, my brother and sister

started to see me as
more of a grown-up.

And even though the last
thing my dad ever wanted

was another kid in the house,

the truth was, having Uncle
Marvin around wouldn't be so bad

'cause there's nothing better
than having family to lean on.

Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news.

I wrote another verse to
help you get back with Jackie.

Dude, everything's
fine with us now.

Please don't sing for me.

Just let it happen, or he'll
never leave you alone.

(RAPPING) Dear Jackie
I love you like no other

But you know Who's
really awesome?

Barry, my brother

Black belt in karate
Girls think he's a hottie

It's like how much
Can you fit in one body?

He's a god on Earth
An academic wiz

To be Barry is divine
My words, not his

I wish I could do
What Big Tasty can

But I'm only Adam
Forever your man

Girl, I must confess

Barry is my idol

Barry really is the best

Barry is the best

To know him We are blessed

Barry rules the world

He's a man, he's
a man He's a man

Barry is the man

I wrote that song for you, girl.

Copyright Big Tasty Records.

Still a no.