The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - So Swayze It's Crazy - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Ah, the
child stars of the '80s.

They were the coolest kids
around, and we all wanted to be them.

As fate would have it, one
grew up with me in Jenkintown.

His name was R.D. Robb,

and I kind of knew him, sort of.

Well, go on,
smartass, and do it.

Guys, look. It's R.D.
Robb from school.

I can't believe my best
friend is famous and on TV.

Dude, you said two words
to R.D. on the school bus.

Now that he's famous,
he's suddenly your best pal?

We traded Matchbox cars in
third grade. That's not nothing.



You know, now
that R.D. is on TV,

I am realizing that
he is totally hot.

Yeah, dude is so lucky.

Did you know his mom is the
top talent manager in the city?

Oh, yeah, Edie
Robb's got a sharp eye.

I've seen her scoop a kid
up in the frozen-food aisle

and put him on the
cover of Bop magazine.

Bop is the gateway to TigerBeat.

- Hold up. You know Edie Robb?
- Loosely.

She and my mom swim
in the same yenta circles.

They get their pastrami
from the same deli guy.

What the hell are
you waiting for, bro?

Ask her to be your manager
and make you famous.

Wrong!



If anyone's gonna be
famous, it's gonna be me.

Please, what makes you
think you can be famous?

'Cause I can play any part.

Badass action star,
romantic lead, comic relief,

plus I do accents.

I'm from Russia. Blue jeans.

The only talent you
have is being delusional.

I'll make you eat those words

once Haim and Feldman
make me the third Corey.

How can you be a
Corey? Your name's Barry.

Being a Corey is a way of life.

And when we're on set,

I'm gonna make you
my sad little assistant

and I'll say, "Go
get me a Coke."

Then you'll come back
and give me a Coke

and then I'll yell,
"I said Diet Coke!"

And then you'll cry,
"No, you said Coke!"

And then I'll say, "Don't
you ever question me

"in front of the
other two Coreys."

Well, then I'll throw
the Coke in your face,

and the director
will see my passion

and make me the
lead of Lost Boys 2.

ADAM: And now I'm a Corey.

There can't be four Coreys!

Well, then we take a
vote, and you're out.

You can't do that! I own a
Camaro and a beach house.

It takes a ton of money
keeping up with the Coreys,

and now I'm broke,
thanks to you!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

We're just gonna go...

I'm the Corey!

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
February 22, 1980-something,

and the punk-rock revolution
was taking over our town.

Yikes, what happened
to Matt Bradley?

He looks like Billy
Idol's suburban nephew.

I think the punk look is
crazy-hot. He's such a bad boy.

Hey, I'm a bad boy.

Chill. I'm just suggesting

that Matt's an
attractive, single dude,

and Erica's an
attractive single girl.

Maybe she's ready
to get back out there.

Erica, heard you were
ready to get back out there.

Go away, Dave Kim.

You'll know when it's
right. Take your time.

And that's a no on Matt, too.
Dating bad boys is your thing.

Obviously. That's why
she locked me down.

Honey, you're kind and
sweet and that's why I like you.

But you're the
opposite of punk rock.

Then I'll become the opposite
of the opposite of punk rock.

- So, punk rock.
- Please don't, Barry.

You just can't pull it off.

Oh, I'll pull it
all the way off.

I'll become the
punkiest punk-ass punk

this school has ever seen.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Remember how Barry
got jealous of Boy George,

so he dressed up like him?

Well, now Barry's gonna
go all-out to be punk

and oh, my God, you
did this on purpose.

Punk is super sexy.
I want to see Barry

in a studded leather
jacket and tight jeans

and don't gag
like you always do.

I'm sorry, I can't...
(GAGGING) Help it.

(GAGGING)

You two make me ill.

Matt Bradley, I have huge news.

You're gonna be my Mentos.

You want me to be a
European mint candy?

No, I want you to teach
me how to talk and dress.

You know, be a punk.

Dude, punk isn't
just some cheap look.

It's a counterculture, a
musical movement, a life choice.

- No one cares about that.
- Hold up. What's in this for me?

Well, if you do a good job,

- I'll make you a member of the JTP.
- Is that a band?

Jenkintown Posse
is more of a small,

weirdly tight-knit friend group.

Well, it has been hard to
find people to sit with at lunch.

I think people are afraid of me.

- Aw. Because you dress like a lady ghost?
- What? No.

Doesn't matter. I'm in
your hands. Mentos me.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry
got schooled in punk,

I was teaching my mom
about my future in showbiz

by cutting together
my very first acting reel.

Nothing beats a Gino's burger.

I can do all my own stunts.

(SOBBING) It should've been me.

It should've been me!

And I got all the modern moves.

Do the wolf. Do
the wolf. Do the wolf.

(LAUGHING)

So, you think I
got what it takes?

Squishie, you're so talented

they should give
you all the Oscars.

Best Little Snuggle
Goblin, Adam Goldberg.

Adam F. Goldberg.

I don't want to get confused

with the other Adam
Goldberg in my school.

He's got more of a
Jim Jarmusch vibe,

and I'm more of a Jim Varney.

Honey, I don't care about that
guy, and neither does anyone else.

You are my favorite Adam
Goldberg in the world.

So, does this mean
you'll show Edie my reel?

When I'm done with her,

Edie Robb will not
only represent you,

she's gonna make you a star.

You know, usually I'm skeptical
of your blind support of my talents,

but I think you might
be right about this one.

- (LAUGHING)
- (DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey. I'm Matt,
I'm here to see...

Let me make this easy
on you, Weird Fonzie.

Erica's already got a boyfriend.

His name is Dante Kremp,
and he lives across the street.

Dad, what are you doing?

Um, I'm here for Barry.

(GROANS)

Hey, there's my
punk-rock sensei.

- What's happening with your head?
- I'm a punk now.

Deal with it, you
corporate shill.

(GROANS)

That's how punks
talk to authority, right?

- No.
- I got a lot to learn.

- Matt, this is the JTP.
- ALL: JTP.

- JTP, this is Matt.
- ALL: Matt.

Time for me to enter
the next level of punk

and pierce my ear.
This cannot go wrong.

Uh, Dad, what the hell was that?

Yeah, what was that?

I'm talking about you saying
that I'm still dating Drew Kremp,

which is his actual
name, not Dante.

By your tone,

I'm guessing you two broke up.

Three years ago!

Do you seriously not
know anything about me?

Peanut, I'm just bad at names,

especially when the
people don't interest me.

ADULT ADAM: Like most dads back
then, our dad knew nothing of our lives,

let alone the
names of our friends.

Name one of my
friends, just one.

- Bill's daughter.
- Whose name is...

La... Vondra.

LaVondra?

- Larla.
- Larla?

You just don't care
about me at all!

ERICA: Unreal.

Mur, would it kill you for once
in your life to make an effort?

Fine. Tell me some
stuff about the girl one.

Well, Erica's heartbroken
because she's in love with a boy

who's not interested
in her anymore.

- What boy?
- Geoff.

- The kid with the giant head?
- No.

- The one with the teeny head?
- Who are these people?

I'm talking about
Geoff Schwartz,

the kid who's around
here all the time.

So that's why she's
always terrible.

This has nothing
to do with me at all.

No, it's mostly you.

ADULT ADAM: So my dad set
out to make Erica's life better.

- Hey, you.
- ADULT ADAM: Or not.

- You're my son's friend, right?
- Uh, yes.

And you've been in love
with Erica for a long time?

(LAUGHING) Like, forever.

She finally loves
you back. Mazel tov.

- Did that just happen?
- Don't question it.

Everything's coming up Dave Kim.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad was screwing
up love, my mom was nailing down

a showbiz connection with Edie
Robb, kid manager to the stars.

I'll give you this...
Very good burger work.

- He's got a nice bite-and-smile.
- I knew it!

My baby Brando was
made for the silver screen.

- So, you'll sign him?
- Absolutely.

I like you, Bev. You
know how to schmooze.

- I love to schmooze.
- Obviously.

We're schmoozing right now.

So, what are we picturing here?

Soap-opera hunk?
Swashbuckling action hero?

Love interest for the
hot girl on My Two Dads?

You know what?

They're holding
auditions for Meatballs 2.

Oh, yes.

That's the silly, summer-camp
movie with Bill Murphy, right?

Yeah, Bill Murray, but yeah.

All Adam needs is to
get some headshots

and then I could submit him

to play the spazzy schlemiel
in the nerdy bunkhouse.

Whoa, what's happening here?
Why are you using those words

to describe my handsome star?

Listen, I get it.

I love my boy R.D.
with all my kishkas,

but when it comes
to booking roles,

he's the number-one
shmendrick in town.

- What do you mean?
- There's not a dork, dweeb,

yutz, putz, or jamoke that
my brilliant boy hasn't booked.

But Adam could give
him a run for his money,

which is my money,
too, 'cause I take 10%.

Thing is, um, my baby
is none of those things.

He's more like a handsome
hunk from The Outsiders.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

You have a completely
unrealistic view of your son.

Please, I have a very
realistic view of Adam,

- my little Patrick Swayze.
- He's not a Swayze.

- Oh, he's a Swayze.
- No Swayze.

So Swayze, it's crazy.

You know what? It really
is. I think we're done here.

No, I'm done with you.

The last thing my Adonis,
angel-face boy needs

is you as his manager.

Guess who's gonna be
represented by Edie Robb?

- She said yes?
- Like, 1,000 times.

She even said you're the next
Patrick Swayze. That's no lie.

She said I'm a Swayze?

She said you have
the looks, charisma,

- and scrumptiousness.
- Seriously?

I'm directly
quoting her on that.

I always thought of myself
as the nudgy comic relief,

like a Balki or a
Skippy or a Boner,

but if an objective third party

is saying I'm a leading
man, it must be true.

Now all we need are
some hunky headshots

to prove you're
not a total goob.

Not that Edie thinks
that. Nobody does.

Sweet. I'll go get
my Vader cape.

No, wait, not cool
enough. Voltron helmet.

Now that's hunky.

Anarchy, U.K., Big Ben, soccer!

Whoa, what's with
the giant hoop?

I stole it from Mom's jewelry box.
Petty theft is part of the movement.

Baby, I'm totally
digging what I'm seeing.

But it's not, like,
punk enough yet.

- Dude.
- I know. I got problems.

Oh, damn it. What
else do I need to do?

Um, your clothes need to be
all ripped and shredded and hot.

Right, right. Look
more like an (BLEEP).

Good note.

He's just lashing out. It's a
natural part of the process.

Erica Goldberg, this is for you.

Will you be the Kelly
McGillis to my Maverick?

- Oh, he's Top Gun-ing you.
- Oh, God, do not Top Gun me right now.

(SINGING) You never
close your eyes anymore

When I kiss your lips

Yep, and by Air Force law,

- now you have to date him.
- It's not a law.

You're trying
hard not to show it

He's being emotionally
vulnerable, that's hilarious.

But, baby, I know it

Everyone.

(ALL BOOING)

Ew! Erica's dating a freshman.

Erica, you like that guy?

- Nope. He's very confused.
- Not confused.

Her dad specifically told me

she was secretly in love with
me, but could never admit it.

Okay, my dad did not do that.

Her dad literally came
into the basement,

looked me in the eye,
and told me that directly.

You've lost that lovin' feeling

- Now it's gone, gone,
gone - (ALL BOOING)

And now I'm gone, because
I have a dad to strangle.

(CROWD BOOING)

I love a good train
wreck. Sing it, dude.

ADULT ADAM: Lainey had
told Barry to up his punk game

and he was a man on a mission.

Pops, check out this
polo I just shredded.

Lainey said she wanted
punk. I'll give her punk.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oy vey.

Where is he?

Where is the man
who helped give me life,

only to ruin it
with his stupidity?

- Hey. There's my peanut.
- I am not your peanut.

Because of you, I got serenaded
in front of the whole school.

- You don't have to thank me.
- It was the wrong boy.

I like Geoff, but
Dave Kim sang to me.

- Oh, no.
- Yes.

What have you done, Murray?

Honestly, I don't know.
This is all so confusing.

This is Dave Kim, a
tiny freshman creeper

who dresses like
Velma from Scooby Doo.

And this loveable, sweet
dope is Geoff Schwartz.

So I picked the wrong boy.
It's the effort that counts.

I liked it better when you
knew nothing about me.

I can't wait to go to college

so I can ignore you for the next
four years and the rest of my life.

You know, I...

I'm not usually known
for feeling things,

but that made me feel...
(WHISPERING) Sad.

- What was that?
- (WHISPERING) Sad. Sad.

- Speak up.
- It made me sad, damn it,

like maybe I should participate
in her life or something.

Maybe? Of course you should.

Fine! Will you...
(WHISPERING) Teach me?

Say the words out loud, Murray.

Teach me!

Tell me everything there
is to know about her.

I'll make you some note cards.

Thanks, Al. You're
a good person.

- I know.
- Oh. That you heard.

ADULT ADAM: While my
dad learned the basics of Erica,

I was ready to advance
to a world of kid stardom.

You must be Paul Sirochman.

Rumor has it you're the
headshot king of Philadelphia.

That's a negative.
We'll see what develops.

- Photo jokes... That's me.
- Neat.

Here's the thing. Um, I
need you to make my son

look like a chiseled,
rugged man-star.

Can you do that?

Wow. Huh. A challenge.

All right, chin
down, eyes up. Nice.

And, uh... Maybe
lose that sword.

You wanted rugged, right?

It doesn't get more
rugged than the Highlander.

There can be only one.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, I was
ready to be a leading man.

It's the communicator
from Quantum Leap.

Hello? I'm cool like Bakula.
He's the whole package.

ADULT ADAM: So, I took inspiration
from every leading man I worshipped.

Should I turn on the finger, or
will that screw up the lighting?

Just do what you want, kid.

ADULT ADAM: And
the results were epic.

All right, I know
what you're thinking...

That you're the best damn
photographer in the universe?

I thought you said
you wanted Swayze?

- Oh, Adam's no Swayze.
- (SIGHS)

He's Tom Cruise.

My baby is Tom Cruise.

There she is. The girl I
know everything about.

Whoa, what are those?

Pops gave me a master
class all about you.

Now I know everything
there is to know

about Erica Dorothy Goldberg,

age 17, who likes
Christian Slater,

Gibson guitars and the
occasional side pony,

- which is a hairstyle.
- Wow. Great.

You learned a few
things about me,

and now you're,
like, Dad of the Year.

Ho, ho. Card number 43...

You cover insecurity with
sarcasm. Classic Erica.

- Stop doing what you're doing.
- I get it. You're mad.

I told Dave Kim
that you loved him,

when it's really Geoff
Schwartz who you love.

Dad, stop!

What, you think I'm
gonna tell Geoff Schwartz

that you... Love him.

That's Geoff Schwartz.

I know that because of card 27.

I didn't hear all of that.

I'm just gonna run away
for an unrelated reason.

Why?

Ugh. This hair dye
itches me like crazy, dude.

Don't touch anything else.
Go wash your hands, quick,

- before it gets in your eyes.
- Ow! I touched my eyes!

- He's touching his eyes.
- Why are you doing that?

'Cause you told me not to,
and I'm anti-establishment now.

Damn my punk lifestyle! Ugh!

There she is, just in
time for our 3:00 meeting.

At the deli counter?
Seems kind of weird.

Just zip it and
take the meeting.

Hi, Edie. It's me, Bev, and
my gorgeous leading-man boy.

- Man? Boy? I'll let you decide.
- Hello, Adam.

What a coincidence,
running into you here.

Also a coincidence,

I just happen to have Adam's
handsome new headshots.

Doesn't my son
look like a movie star,

- Tony the deli guy?
- Oh, yeah.

He looks like that
twerpy guy, Rick Moranis.

With those glasses and that doofy,
deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.

Okay, that's enough.
Just slice the meat.

No, he's right. These
photos are fricking incredible.

I mean, look at that punim.

It's like getting a lotto ticket

and scratching off three
Urkels and a Potsie.

- Potsie's a personal hero of mine.
- You see? I knew it.

He would've been
perfect for Meatballs 2.

Which reminds me, let me have
meatballs, too, and all your tuna.

You understand me? I don't
want that lady to have any.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

"Would've been"? You
mean I missed out on

- auditioning for a Meatballs sequel?
- Okay, let me be clear.

You are a Cruise or a
Swayze, not a geek or a goober.

I don't care how much
those kinds of roles pay.

A lot. You know Booger
from Revenge of the Nerds?

Well, Booger has two Jet Skis,

- one you sit, one you stand.
- Wait.

You're the one who wanted
those hunked-out photos

to prove to her
that I wasn't a nerd.

Adam, look at me.
Look at your mama.

You are not a nerd.

No, you look at me,
right in my lazy eye.

I am a nerd.

- Never.
- Say it.

Over my dead body.

You know, sometimes
you get so caught up

in what it is you want for me,
that you forget what I want.

Thanks for killing my dream.

ADULT ADAM: It had been a day since
Barry nearly lost an eye to punk rock,

but he'd stop at nothing
to impress Lainey.

Before you say anything, my
spikes are supposed to be blue

and the hair dye messed
up my vision for about a week.

Barring that,

- I'm looking pretty punk rock, right?
- Zero.

- Nope.
- It's kind of hard to look at, bro.

Stop. Don't discourage the man.

It's just a little more
pumpkin-y than punk.

But wear this
until it grows out.

Aside from the hair,
what about the rest?

Do I look like Johnny
Rotten or Sid Vicious?

- You look like a pirate, dude.
- Your girl won't say it, but we will.

No, I'll say it.

I went too far and
now you're a pirate.

And you think that's hot?

I gotta go find
a way to fix this.

But I did this for you, damn it.

(GROANING)

Oh, he just said "argh."
That's a thing a pirate says.

And he's hopping on one
foot like he's got a peg leg.

- (LAUGHTER)
- This is all your fault, Matt Bradley.

Wait, what are you wearing?

Yeah, watching you
try too hard to be punk

made me realize I
need to mellow out.

That's why I'm a Deadhead now.

The Grateful Dead is
the opposite of punk.

For sure.

If you ask me, you guys
need a chill member of the JTP.

- ALL: JTP.
- See?

Okay, guys, can we
pivot to my thing, here?

I'm kind of going
through some stuff.

Good idea. Let's divert
the attention from me.

It's just, I've liked
Erica forever,

but I'm with Evy
now, and I love her.

Then, that's your
answer right there, man.

At the end of the day, all that
matters is that you're honest

and listen to your heart.

Wow.

That's so deep and
Jerry Garcia of you.

I'm a pirate.

ADULT ADAM: As
Barry failed at punk,

my mom was trying to
win back her little star.

Schmoopy. Schmoopaloo.
Schmoopy-booper.

Schmoop de jour.

Schmoopy doopy poopy
soupy, have a scoopy.

Stop saying variations
of "schmoo" and go away.

Listen, I know I
shouldn't have lied to you.

And if the only way
you're gonna forgive me

is to say that thing
you want me to say,

then I will say it.

You are a... Nope. Nope.

- I'm sorry. I can't say it.
- Well, at some point, you'll have to.

No.

You will always be my
amazing, handsome leading man.

But if everyone else
sees you as a nerd,

then you go out

and you be the best nerd
the world has ever seen.

Deal.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom was finally facing
the fact that I wasn't a leading man,

Erica was coming
to terms with the fact

that Geoff might not be hers.

Hey. We gotta talk.

If it's about what my
dad said, we really don't.

- I really think we should.
- Geoff, come on.

- You know my dad is utterly clueless.
- True.

I mean, what does my
dad always call you?

Jeremy or Jack. He
called me Jorf once.

- That's not even a name.
- (CHUCKLES)

So, yeah, he's,
like, dead wrong.

Well, okay, um, that's a relief,

'cause I'm with Evy now
and we're really happy.

And I'm happy for you guys.

Cool.

Glad I checked in.

- Me, too.
- (SLOW SONG PLAYS)

When people keep repeating

That you'll never fall in love

When everybody keeps retreating

But you can't seem to get enough

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes
we hide our feelings

to protect ourselves
from the unknown,

even though we
know it will hurt.

But even worse than getting hurt
is not listening to your own heart.

I was just...

- Me, too.
- To your heart

ADULT ADAM: Because
if you don't listen,

you could miss one of the
best moments of your life.

To your heart

To your heart

This is gonna make things
super awkward and confusing.

For sure.

ADULT ADAM: In the end, love can
come at the most unexpected time,

and 'cause of the most
unexpected people.

Uh, Dad.

Listen, I know I screwed up
with these stupid things, but, uh...

Thank you for making
a mess of things.

So, you're not mad at me?

You know, it actually kind
of worked out for the best.

I knew it would, Erica
Dorothy Goldberg.

- No, you didn't.
- (CHUCKLES)

Let my love open the door

To your heart

I never saw Meatballs part one,

- but I'm very confused.
- So am I.

ADAM: Where's Bill Murray,

and why is there an
alien in their bunk?

- This makes no sense.
- Of course it does.

All camps have
end-of-the-summer boxing matches

to determine who gets
the rights to the lake.

Why is the photo guy here?

We're taking new headshots
to get you into Meatballs 3,

so we needed to see
what we're aiming for.

I'm just gonna focus on writing.