The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Spencer's Gift - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
before you could buy everything

from your couch, you had to drive
to an actual location to get stuff.

This magical place
was known as "the mall."

It was the center of
every teenager's universe.

And nobody loved the mall
more than my brother and sister.

Mmm! Hickory Farms samples.

What's better than free meat?

Do you even know what
you're eating right now?

Hello? It's summer sausage.

It's delicious because
it's made by the sun.

This just might be
the best day of my life.



Oh, no!

ADULT ADAM: For my
brother, the mall took a dark turn

when it was time to
make the lemonade.

Attention, perverts!

Look away from the
hot dog on a stick girl

or face my fury!

Uh, Barry? What's the deal?

Well, honey, similar to
Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon,

I am about to fight everyone!

- Erica, hold my meat.
- Hold your own meat!

Babe, these guys aren't here
just to watch me make lemonade.

They do it for everyone.
See? Look at Dave Kim.

- Boo!
- (CROWD GROANS)

That's right, that's
right. Walk away.



Will you stop it? I
want to keep this job.

The money's good, and I
got my eye on one of those.

LAINEY: The best yellow
boom box money can buy.

- Look at all that yellow.
- It's so compact and waterproof.

- That's perfect for my swim routine.
- Well, keep dreaming,

'cause there's no way
Dad's ever gonna buy us one.

- Well, you could always get jobs.
- A job?

How would I be able to spend
time after school at the mall

if I already have a job
after school at the mall?

Eh, too bad, 'cause they're
hiring at Spencer's Gifts.

ADULT ADAM: Ah, Spencer's Gifts,
the mall's one and only novelty store

that specialized in wacky
gag gifts guaranteed to offend.

BOTH: Whoa!

I can actually get
a job at the store

I bought two of my four
Spuds MacKenzie posters?

This is a dream come true.

'Cause I need money
and they're hiring.

Dad, we need you to
sign a permission slip.

- Ask your mother.
- She's not home.

I hope it's not time-sensitive.
Good luck to both of you.

We both got jobs
at Spencer's Gifts,

and we can't start until
we get parental consent.

Give it to me! I'll
sign it right now!

Before you do, you
should really understand

- what you're agreeing to.
- I agree.

Just know if you sign that
slip, there's a good chance

we'll become fully
independent and move out.

Damn it, where's my pen?

You might not even
have to pay for college.

- I need my pen!
- Here you go, Father.

Let's sign this baby.

And that's just one of
the many hilarious items

we'll be selling
at Spencer's Gifts.

Not even you being a
moron can spoil my mood.

This is the greatest
day of my life!

Uh, this'll work.

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

(LIP-SYNCING) I see your
true colors shining through

ADULT ADAM: It was
February 15th, 1980-something,

and I was hard at
work honing my skills

as a VHS home movie maker.

Not everyone was
a fan, but there was

one blond-haired lady
who couldn't get enough.

Yeah, I stare at him, too.

(CHUCKLES)

It's hard to believe
that the bigger he gets,

the more delicious
he becomes, huh?

ERICA: Are we looking
at the same thing?

The hell is in your
son's hands right now?

Why does he have a waterproof
Sports Boombox with mega bass

when we had to
get jobs to get one?

Adam is not like the two of you.

He can't just work any old job.

He's, uh... What do I want
to say here... Better than you.

- He's better than you!
- You can't say that!

I knew you'd understand.

Dad, tell your wife
to tell your boy son

that he needs to get a
job, like the rest of us.

Hey, moron!

Get a job, like the
other two morons.

No, thanks. See, I'm
not so much the job guy.

I'm more the guy
behind the job guy

who just sits there
and plays with his toys.

- You get it.
- I don't. Get a job.

No, no, no, no. Adam
doesn't need a job.

- He's already got a career.
- Doing what?

- Adam is going to be a famous director.
- Mmm.

And if you don't believe me,
just ask his guidance counselor.

No, your son would do
miserably in Hollywood,

and that's a fact.

My son is a star, and
you're gonna die alone!

While I do feel that way,

I'm just stating the hard truth.

It's more likely
that your puny son

will become a power
forward for the Sixers

than a big Hollywood
muckety-muck.

Oh, no, Mama.

I don't want to play whatever
sport he's talking about.

Don't worry, sweet potato.

Mr. Glascott doesn't
know anything.

Oh, but I do.

You see, I once made my way out
to LA with my own foolish dreams.

I thought I'd become a
big-time Hollywood scriptwriter.

I even wrote a teleplay.

"Sole Brothers"?

MR. GLASCOTT: That's
"Sole" spelled S-O-L-E.

Upon their father's death,
two brothers take the reins,

or laces of the
family shoe store.

They're detectives, but
they have different styles.

- You really need to read it.
- No, I don't.

What are you telling my boy?

I'm telling your son the same
thing Robert Wagner told me

when I approached him in
the men's room at Chasen's,

- "This is inappropriate."
- Okay, let me clean this up.

He's saying you're
definitely not gonna make it.

- Good talk.
- But Mom believes in me.

Yeah, well, she also believes

that Erica's gonna be on
the cover of Rolling Stone

and Barry's gonna be a surgeon.

Oh, sweet balls! None of those
things are ever gonna happen!

I have to get a job.

But you already have one,
making wonderful home movies

and winning the Academy
Award of my heart.

Mom, it's okay.

Based on Mr. Glascott's
tale of broken dreams,

I should explore my options.

Okay, fine. You can try one job.

But as soon as everyone
realizes that this is a detour

from what is
obviously your destiny,

you're going back to
being my little moviemaker.

- Boom! He's getting a job.
- There you go.

Oh, speaking of my screenplay,

I mocked up a poster
to help sell it in the room.

These are twin shoe
salesmen/detectives,

Jeffrey Sole and
David Alan Brothers.

If they're brothers, why do
they have different last names?

If you read the script,
you'd understand!

ADULT ADAM: While I was
warming to the novelty of having a job,

Barry and Erica were
warming to their jobs

of selling novelties.

And last but not least,

we have our edible underpants
in all flavors and sizes.

- Questions?
- I got one.

- This place is awesome.
- That's not a question, kiss-ass.

That's all right.

I share young Barry's
verve for the gag game.

Well, sir, I'm gonna learn
everything about this place,

starting with the
exploding golf balls.

Sorry. Barry offers
enthusiasm, but not much else.

Really? 'Cause on his
application, he said he was a genius

who was studying
pre-brain-surgery.

Yep. (COUGHS)
They explode, all right.

Okay, here's what
you need to know.

Barry's gonna break stuff,
scare customers, hurt himself.

But he's my brother
and I love the dope,

so I'm offering to be a buffer.

Thanks for the heads-up, Erica.

- How could you?
- What?

I heard everything,
thanks to this!

You sold me out
on the first day?

I'm just protecting you
from the biggest danger

in your life. You.

You really think you're
better than me at everything?

That I'm a joke?

Barry, you're covered in
exploding golf ball dust.

Well, you're the joke.

'Cause I'm not just gonna
be the greatest brain doctor,

I'm also gonna be the greatest
Spencer Gifts employee.

How, you ask? I'll
out-Spencer-Gifts you.

Now I got to get myself a new
shirt 'cause this one's ruined.

ADULT ADAM: And so began
the great Goldberg Spencer Gift-off.

Sold my first item. Suck it.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my brother was
convinced he would walk away the winner.

Meanwhile, I
needed a job myself,

and it was gonna
take a true miracle.

Wait a minute.

Help found!

ADULT ADAM: If I could
pass the impossible interview.

- How many quarters are in a dollar?
- Four.

I'll be in the back,
taking a nap.

- Sweet.
- Oh. And we're running a promotion.

Every "A" a kid has
on his report card,

he gets a quarter.

- Got it?
- Sir, yes, sir!

Don't do that.

Dad, today I became a man.

Go brag to your friends
and your Grandpa.

That's not a "me" thing.

No, no! I got a job!

A real one?

Yep, at my favorite place
in the world, the arcade.

All my children have
jobs? This is my dream.

I close my eyes,
and this is what I see.

That's a sad dream, but
you have a sad life, so I get it.

Come here.

- What's happening?
- This is me hugging you.

- No!
- I'm hugging you! Just accept it!

Mom! Dad's trying to hug me!

Oh, Murray, you're
finally expressing

your love and affection
towards your children!

No, the little weird
one got a job.

What? Who would hire him?

Don't know. Don't care.

I thought he'd be
singing in a wig for years.

Me, too. Now, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna go adjust
my change belt.

It was hanging a little low.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

How could you let him accept
a job and be part of the world?

I didn't do anything.
It was easy.

It's fine. I'll just wait it out
until he quits or gets fired.

Or he'll learn responsibility
and pride from a job well done.

Oh, Shut the (BLEEP) Murray.

ADULT ADAM: As my
parents debated my new job,

Erica was settling into hers.

Welcome to Spencer's.

Shopping for
anything in particular?

We're looking for party
favors for Billy's birthday.

I'm turning this much!

Okay... Whatever that is.

Well, we have
great stuff for kids.

Balloons, fake
tattoos, bouncy balls.

Boring! (CHUCKLES)

Let me guess, William,
you like poo-poo?

You like fake barf?

- You like big ol' farts?
- Yes!

Then come with me,
'cause you're gonna have

the best birthday farty ever!

Yay!

BARRY: Let's go, little man.

I know you were worried
about your brother,

but he's actually doing great.

I'd say he's really embraced
the spirit of Spencer's.

Yeah, well, he's
not the only one.

Watch this.

Hey, handsome. Welcome to
Spencer's. Can I help you with anything?

Nah, just kinda browsing.

- Dude! You like chicks?
- Uh, yeah.

I'm kind of talking to one.

Yeah, he's kind
of talking to one.

What about chicks in bikinis
sun tanning on rad sports cars?

- Isn't that better than this dud?
- Yeah, probably.

Then step to your right and
check out our sweet posters!

ADULT ADAM: And for the first
time, Barry was out-Spencering Erica.

My Lord, look at that boy.

Scooping up every super
car and boobie poster we got.

Just doing my job, sir.

I know this is a small detour
on your way to becoming

a big-time brain surgeon,
but how would you like

- to be assistant manager?
- BOTH: What?

I've been looking for somebody
to help me run this place.

I found him. What do you say?

I say you're gonna be out
of business in two weeks.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Erica, your brilliant
brother's in charge.

Now, I'm gonna go lose
myself in a Cinnabon.

BARRY: Well, well, well.

Looks like the master
has become the student.

That's not the expression.

It is now, 'cause
Barry's the boss.

And the Boss Barry says
clean all the dribble glasses

and restock the fake turds.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
faced the wrath of a new boss,

I was facing bossy customers.

Hey, there. Nine
quarters, please.

- What's this?
- It's my report card.

I'm a straight-A student.

But I go to school with you,

and the report cards
haven't come out yet.

- Then why am I holding one?
- That's from three years ago.

Plus, those aren't A's.
They're F's you turned into A's.

- Nuh-uh.
- Look.

ADAM: A's don't
have right angles.

You should know that 'cause
you got an "A" in geometry.

Well, here's something
you should know.

Give me a fistful of quarters

before I give you
a face full of fist.

(CLICKING)

- Oh, yeah, she's got nine A's, too.
- What? No way!

I've got my report
card right here.

- That's a napkin.
- Less talking, more clicking.

(CLICKING)

That's it. Look me in
the eye as you do it.

Don't you look away!

ADULT ADAM: Still
day one at my new job,

and I was already feeling
like it was "Game over."

Dude, where'd all
these people come from?

Everybody heard I was
giving out free money!

But that's not even a report
card. That's a Sbarro box!

I know, Dave Kim!
I've lost control.

- I'm gonna get fired.
- Oh, for sure.

Ah, dang it! I'm all out!

You're gonna need more quarters.

Wait! I've got all the
quarters in the world!

ADULT ADAM: I
had the perfect plan.

I would just borrow
a couple quarters

- from the machine.
- Free quarters!

ADULT ADAM: Oh,
God! Not part of the plan!

What the hell is going on?

It's a funny story, really.

I gave out free money.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

It's not funny.

Okay. Those beer
helmets are clean enough.

Go tidy up the naughty
novelty section in the back.

ERICA: No. There's
creepos over there.

And they're not buying anything.

Erica, you're objecting to a
direct order from your superior.

Know what would happen
if this was the army?

Uh, this isn't the army.
We sell butt mugs.

Watch yourself.

Oh. Leon, I'm gonna need
the keys to the glass case.

The glass case?

With the pewter dragons
holding the crystal balls?

I haven't opened
this case in years.

Yeah, I saw this stupid
goth kid in the mall,

and I said to myself,
"That kid'll buy a dragon."

So I struck up a convo,
and he's coming in.

Oh, my God.

Son, you've got it. The gift.

- The Spencer's gift.
- Come on. That's not a thing.

(SNIFFLES) This is a big moment for
me. (LAUGHING) I've never said this before.

- You can lock up tonight.
- You sure?

I've never been more sure
about anything in my life.

You!

Learn from him. He has the gift.

Spencer's gift, sure.

BARRY: Well, would
you look at that?

First, I'm made the boss.

Now I get the keys to the store.

I don't even have
the keys to the house.

I have to sit in the tree
until someone comes home!

I have to hand it to you,

you really did
out-Spencer-Gifts me.

Eh, don't feel bad. Not
everyone has the gift.

If anything, I feel bad you
don't get to see Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris? What about him?

Oh, he's signing his
new book at B. Dalton.

- What's it called?
- Uh...

- Punching America in the Throat.
- Damn it!

Why are the two most important
things that ever happened to me tonight?

I guess... I could
cover for you.

Thank you, Erica.

You know, you're
not a good employee,

but you're an average sister.

ADULT ADAM: Erica knew
that in order to beat Barry,

she'd have to play dirty.

Meanwhile, I had to clean
up the mess I made at work.

It was terrible.

They shook me down
for all my quarters.

Was one dressed
like a ditzy redhead

and the other like a
smart-alec shoeshiner?

Albert, not
everything is a grift.

Face it, Mom was right.

I'm not qualified to do anything
besides make stupid home movies.

We can fix this, together.

- How much they get you for?
- $110.

- You're gonna fix this on your own.
- Fine. I'll think of something.

Just don't tell Mom I got fired.

Yes! I heard everything,
thanks to Barry's stupid giant ear.

Our Hollywood dreams
are back on the table.

- (GROANS)
- (CHUCKLES)

Mom, you got to stop.
I just lost a real job.

You know what else is real?

You walking me down the red
carpet at the Academy Awards.

To be clear, if I ever get
a job in show business,

I am not taking you
as my date to anything.

- Of course you are.
- (SCOFFS) I'm super-not.

- Well, who else are you gonna take?
- Uh, my wife?

Oh, it's cool.
She'll understand.

- No, she won't.
- I'll talk to her. She'll get it.

You stay away from her.
Seriously. She didn't sign up for this.

So, what, I'm the only
one who believes in you,

but I have to read
about your successes

in People magazine, like some
poor slob at a dentist's office?

I'll tell you before the
article comes out, okay?

If I pay back the arcade,
can I go to the Oscars then?

You can ride with me
and my wife in the limo,

- but you can't go in.
- I'll find a way.

No! You're not
bailing him out of this.

This is his job, not yours.

You got to find a way
to solve it on your own.

And I just did, by trading in
my future happiness for cash.

Here's your money,
plus a little extra

because you're a special boy.

Hey, my special-boy money!

I'm gonna be brutal here
because your mom's in la-la land.

You're not a boy,
and you're not special!

What are you saying?

He's not some magic
star. He's a regular Joe

who's got to learn the
value of a hard day's work.

By wearing wigs and
making home movies.

Oh, my God! What are
you doing to this kid?

- I'm being his mother.
- Well, I'm being his father.

Welcome to reality.

You go down to that job, and
you solve it any way you can!

Solve it!

What a rip!

Chuck Norris wasn't even there,
just some lady named Maya Angelou.

She didn't know
anything about karate.

Barry. We need to talk.

Leon. What are you doing back?

Someone paged me to
come back to the store.

When I got here, you were gone.

And so were all
the bottled farts.

- Oh, no! Not the bottled farts!
- Yes, the bottled farts.

When I saw all the bottled
farts were gone, I was excited.

I thought you sold
the bottled farts.

But now it seems you
lost the bottled farts.

I'd never lose
the bottled farts.

Barry, do you understand
that each bottled fart

was ass-crafted by a
third-generation fartist

in Pueblo, Colorado?

- So they just fart into the bottles?
- Oh, it's so much more than that.

Inside every bottled
fart, lives a child's wish.

And now all those
wishes have vanished,

like... Something in the wind.

- A squeaky fart?
- Damn it.

No one gets it like you, Barry.

But I still need that name tag.

Wait! You can't fire him
for just losing some farts.

It's not about the farts.

It's about trust.

You broke my heart, son.

You did this.

You couldn't deal with the
fact that I was better than you,

that I was good at something,
that I'll be a doctor one day.

- Barry...
- No! Just don't talk to me.

ADULT ADAM: My
arcade job was a bust,

but I had the perfect way
to get my money back.

Yo, ponytail! Give
me my damn money!

- No.
- Okay, that didn't work.

Please do the right thing
and give me my money.

I've considered your offer,
and I have a counteroffer.

Eat my butt.

I totally thought you were
gonna do the right thing,

and then you offered your butt.

Can you guys please just
give me the money back?

Sorry, man. I need that
money to feed my family.

- Really?
- No. My dad's a lawyer.

He has that commercial
where he wears a neck brace

and tells you his number
is dos dos dos, dos dos dos,

dos dos dos dos.

Wait! That's it! I
know how to fix this!

Is it by you giving
us more quarters?

No, but what if I told you
I could make you stars?

Johnny's already a star.
You're a star, Johnny.

- I know, girl. Everybody knows.
- So, you'll do it?

Sure. But I got two
questions for you.

Can I play my sax? And
how loud can I play my sax?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah!

Do you like video
games? Do you like girls?

Do you like girls who
like video games?

Hey, big boy.

How 'bout we make
that two-player?

Well, all right.

Come on down to
Challenges Arcade.

All the latest games,
from Asteroids to Zaxxon.

Did somebody say Zaxxon?

More like sax-on.

(SAXOPHONE SOLO)

Dude, this commercial's
gonna be awesome.

Commercial, huh? Not a bad idea.

And it can be yours
for only $5,000.

How about no dollars and
you can have your job back?

Deal.

- Hey.
- Go away, fart thief.

Well, maybe this
will cheer you up.

Huh?

Whoopee cushion?
Bug in an ice cube?

Even though all those
items are hilarious,

you can't make
up for what you did.

(SIGHS)

Okay, fine.

I paged Leon, and...

I hid all of the stinky
bottles in the stockroom.

I did it because I was jealous.

You're better at
Spencer's Gifts than me.

- And I'm sorry.
- I don't want another gag gift.

No, it's a real one.

(TRUE COLORS PLAYING)

- A stethoscope?
- For when you're a doctor.

You don't believe that.

Look, I know I'm always
really hard on you,

but watching you at
that job made me see

that when you're
passionate about something,

you can do anything.

So you're gonna
be a doctor, all right?

And a damn good one.

You may not be a good
employee, but you're a great sister.

ANNOUNCER: Challenges
arcade, Willow Grove Park Mall.

Is this going on TV?

My boss bought local air time,

and now the manager
of Spencer's Gifts

wants me to shoot
one for him, too.

Oh, my baby!

Told you, Murray! He is special!
That's his job, being amazing!

You know, I think I'm gonna
keep my actual job at the arcade.

- What?
- Truth is, without it,

I never would have gotten
my first real directing gig.

Dad's right, a real
job is a good thing.

Well, you're still gonna take
me to the Oscars, though, right?

- I'm taking my wife.
- You'll take me to the Emmys.

Eh, I'm taking my wife.

- Sure you are.
- Bevy.

Fine. I'll stop.

You know, your mom
may be onto something.

You might be more special
than I'm giving you credit for.

You really think so?

Don't get a big head about it.

But, yeah, keep making your movies
with the, uh, singing and the wigs.

I thought you hate the wigs.

Oh, I really hate the wigs.

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes the
people who push us the hardest

are the most encouraging of all.

Sure, growing up's messy,

but when we accept
the love around us,

that's when our true
colors shine brightest.

(LIP-SYNCING) And I see
your true colors shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid
to let them show

Come on down to Spencer
Gifts at the Willow Grove Mall,

where our gag gifts
are a sight for sore eyes.

Spencer's! We've got fake barf!

Underpants wallet!
Real lava lamps!

- Whoopie cushions!
- (FARTING NOISE)

- Joy buzzers! Ow.
- (BUZZING)

"No fart zone" tape.

- Wind-up chattering teeth!
- (CHATTERING)

Wacky shirts! Silly
wigs! Edible underpants!

And, of course,
our bestseller...

Bottled farts!

And for the woman in your life,

we have lilac hand lotion, for
some reason. (CHUCKLES)

So, come on down to Spencer's.

ALL: We've got
shenanigans for you!