The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Wingmom - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, we
all wanted to be a badass fighter pilot

thanks to the cinematic
masterpiece that was Top Gun,

and no one loved it
more than my big bro.

You're handsome
and clear for take-off.

ADULT ADAM: Yeah,
he was a real Maverick.

His fighter jet was our
beat-up station wagon,

and his co-pilot,
my annoyed sister.

Dear God, you have been
flipping knobs for five minutes!

Just go already.

We ain't going anywhere till
tower clears us for take-off.

You're clear.



(ENGINE STARTING)

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- ADULT ADAM: But as fate would have it,

my brother's high-flying dreams
were about to become a reality.

(GASPS) Great Goose's ghost.

Today, our lives
change forever, boys.

Behold.

Junior ROTC.

That's like
pre-pre-military training.

Dude, I think they give you
free camo when you sign up.

Sweet. Now I can hide
from my mean cousin

when we visit my uncle's farm.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Morning, gentlemen.

Interested in joining
up with Junior ROTC?



I need able-bodied leaders
with fire in their bellies

looking to make a difference.

That's so weird.

I'm an able-bodied
person with a fiery belly

who's ready to fly your jets
and push your envelopes

and play shirtless
beach volleyball.

- What?
- It's proven to be a nice diversion

from the pressures
of flight school.

What's your name, son?

Barry Norman Goldberg,
nickname not yet decided.

You will be amazed by our
strength and determination, sir!

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- (SIGHS)

I've got English on the
third floor. So many stairs.

Naked Rob, piggyback.

- You got it, bro.
- Never leave a man behind.

(GRUNTS)

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
November 22, 1980-something,

and I was spending the day
with my loyal best bud, Pops.

Your mom was nuts to
take away my license.

Look at me go!

Despite his age, my grandpa
was the youngest dude I knew.

POPS: Winner! ADAM: Balls!

You want to go hustle
some suckers at air hockey?

I'm old with a
wallet full of cash.

How do I play this ice
ping-pong? (LAUGHING)

After we hustled
some kids in air hockey,

Pops set his sights
on our next target.

Whoa, whoa. Look at this.

Free movie tickets.

What do you say we play
a couple more chumps?

Mom says to be weary
of timeshare people.

They're the gypsies of the mall.

All we got to do is listen to
them jabber for a half-hour,

and then see Mad Max
Thunderdome on their dime.

Sign me up.

(CHUCKLES)

Howdy, folks. And welcome.

I'm John Calabasas,

the president and CEO of
John Calabasas' timeshares.

Thank you very
much. That's very kind.

Oh, stop. Thank you so much.

Folks, who would like to live
in the condo of their dreams?

For two months out of the year.

I'm talking about
timeshares, you all.

- Question.
- Yes, sir.

If we decide not to buy today,
do we still get the movie tickets?

That's the deal, but I
can promise you this, sir,

at the end of today,

you're not gonna be
thinking about movie tickets.

You're gonna be thinking about

Boca Sands Resort & Tennis Club.

I'm intrigued about
this exciting opportunity.

Movie tickets all locked up.

ADULT ADAM: So began an epic
speech designed to pull in old suckers.

Lucky for me, Pops
was young at heart.

Complete with sauna and
recently disinfected steam room.

The best overly
air-conditioned chain restaurants

that open for dinner at 3:00 PM.

Not only is it sunny
year-round in our community,

the women outnumber
the gentlemen three to one.

Sold!

Oh, my God.

Pops actually bought
a place in Florida?

Right? It's a nightmare.

Hello? We're gonna
have our own beach condo.

Think of all the spring
breaks, the Latin guys,

the romantic walks on the
beach with the Latin guys.

Why do I come to you?

You need to chill. It's a timeshare.
He'll be gone two months a year.

Everyone knows a timeshare
is a gateway property.

Two months becomes six.

Six become a year.

And a year turns into forever.

So? Pops is old, and
that's what all old people do.

Stop saying that.
Pops isn't old.

He's 80.

Who cares? I
measure age in spirit.

Well, I measure age
by when you were born.

And for Pops, that's 1903.

- Holy crap. Seriously?
- Oh, yeah.

Shut up! Everyone,
shut up! I got Barry news.

Everybody stop talking.

What is it, snuggle monster?

I joined the military. Boom!

- What's that now?
- Good stuff. What branch?

The one with the
planes and boats.

You're welcome, America.

I just need you to sign
this permission slip.

Absolutely not.

Being a soldier is number one

on my list of jobs too
dangerous for my children.

- List? What list?
- Oh, God. Not the list.

I knew one day my kids
would join the workforce,

so like a good mother, I
compiled a list of occupations

that are strictly off-limits.

Why can't I be a
construction worker?

Eating lunch on a suspended
beam with your legs dangling down?

- No way.
- No pro sports?

Except golf, but you
can't drive around

in one of those buggies
with no seat belt.

- Astronaut?
- Your sensitive tummy at zero g?

- Deli guy.
- Meat slicer.

- Government clerk.
- Paper cut.

- Robot technician.
- Robot uprising.

This is nuts. Pops
was in the army.

And he is a hero.
Couldn't be prouder of him.

But I want to be a hero.

And you can be...

As an orthodontist
or a maître d'

or as one of those guys
who tests pillows for softness.

ADULT ADAM: Yep.
All hope was lost.

I'll sign it.

ADULT ADAM: And then found.

- Really?
- I did ROTC.

It changed my life.

And I fully support this as long
as your mother never finds out.

And one more thing. If you
do this, there's no quitting.

- I mean it.
- 10-4, good buddy.

That's trucker talk.

Aye-aye, matey.

That's pirate.

Hmm.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
was committed to the army,

I was committed to showing Pops

just how young he was.

There he is, rocking
the new duds.

You dig them, homey?

They're roomy where I need
them, but kind of drafty where I don't.

Perfect! Let's go hit the town

and live it up while
we're still young.

What the... How did
your Zubaz get so high?

They ride up. I don't know.
They have a mind of their own.

Now all you can
see is "Frankie says".

No one will know to relax.

Who is this Frankie, and
why does he want me to relax?

All you need to know is you look
half your age in those Zubaz pants.

Way too young for Florida.

Oh, so that's
what this is about.

Kiddo, it's just two months.

Two months in middle-school
years is like a decade.

Come on, pal.

Pops says "relax".

Don't you use that
catchphrase against me!

I will not relax!

Where you going?

To my other grandpa, the
one who'd never leave me.

Pop Pop?

You really want to replace me
with that spiteful old bastard?

Already done.
Have fun in Florida.

I'll be living it up
here with Pop Pop

having crazy amounts of fun.

This is fun.

So much fun.

Shh. I'm reading the stocks.

ADULT ADAM: Yep. This
was my grandfather Ben.

He was the anti-Pops who
could never catch a break.

Damn IBM! I should have
invested. I'd be a millionaire.

Instead, I lost it
all on Cigaroos.

- What's that?
- Cigarettes for kids.

Yeah.

They had a spokesbunny.

Isn't that adorable?
It was a slam dunk!

ADULT ADAM: As I was
bonding with Pop Pop,

Barry was ready for action.

Barry Norman Goldberg
reporting for duty, sir!

Son, I told you three
times. I know you're here.

Question. When do we
get our nicknames assigned,

'cause I'm thinking I'm
gonna be Sky Shark.

I call Sky Tiger.

Dude, I told you Sky
Tiger was my nickname.

No one's Sky
Tiger. I'm Sky Shark.

There can't be two Skies.

I was kind of thinking
Thunder Shark.

- No, bro! I'm the shark!
- That's good!

(ALL SHOUTING)

Enough!

Instead of nicknames,
how about this?

Give me 20 push-ups.

If my body's already in
peak physical condition,

can I pass and practice instead?

- Practice what?
- Volleyball.

You know, for when
we go to the beach

and flex our young,
glistening bodies.

I'm kind of body-conscious,

so I'm not gonna pop off my
shirt at the beach if that's cool.

He's got an outie.

- Shh!
- There's no volleyball.

Son, if you're not here to
work, you're worthless to me.

But I was led to
believe I'm special.

You want special treatment?
Drop and give me 40!

Hey! How was training, big guy?

Captain Wallace says I'm, like,

better than Rambo, the
real one. They're friends.

Well, I'm just proud
that you're sticking with it.

Oh, yeah. Stick-to-it Barry.
That's what they call me.

Mom!

Dad secretly signed
a permission slip

to get me in basic training.

Now I need to have you
secretly get me out of it.

- What?
- Shh!

Dad won't let me quit,

but Captain Wallace is
super demanding and angry.

He called me worthless.

Are you (BLEEP) kidding me?

- I know. Right?
- "Worthless"?

Well, obviously,
he's never seen you

ride a tandem bicycle
with your mother.

I was doing most
of the pedaling.

Are you sure he
called you worthless?

Maybe he called you wonderful?

No. You have to get
me out of this, Ma.

Unless you want me
to fly secret missions

to dangerous foreign lands.

You can't go on
a secret mission.

They won't let you call home,

and they don't know what
kind of cheese binds you up.

- So, you'll help?
- Don't worry, snuggy-boo.

I'll get you out.

Now, drop and give me 20.

Huggies. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
Beverly Goldberg went to war.

While I was still
upset about our fight,

Pops was ready to
extend an olive branch.

Hey, sweetheart. You seen Adam?

I got him one of those
Atari-Nintendo games.

It's just like the red-car, blue-car
game that we play at the arcade.

Aw, that's so cute. But
he's hanging with Pop Pop.

"Pop Pop"? I thought
he was bluffing.

You can always hang with me,

you know, make
the little nerd jealous.

It'd be pretty damn petty of
me to use you as some pawn.

Oh, I'm totally cool with it.

We can, like, go to the mall.

So, this is all a ploy to
get me to buy you stuff?

See? We get each other.

I'll drive.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica and
Pops had formed an alliance,

my mom was waging war.

You, sir!

We need to talk.

Mrs. Goldberg, I told you.

Yelling hours are
between 9:00 and 12:00.

This is my lunch break.

Eat your tater tots,
Earl. I'm here for him.

- What's happening right now?
- This is Beverly Goldberg.

She's the Delta
Force of mothers.

And I'm here to tell you that Barry
will not be returning to your course.

And I'm here to tell you
that your husband called

and said under no circumstances

should I let your son
weasel out of this.

- He called?
- Oh, this just got good.

Okay, then. Well,
I have demands.

Instead of yelling, you
will motivate my baby

with kindness and encouragement.

And you will never, ever
call him worthless again.

Well, considering
you're asking me

to undo years of proven
and effective military training,

- the answer is no.
- BEVERLY: Or is it yes?

According to the
school handbook,

any parent is permitted
on school grounds

to tend to the
well-being of their child.

- Oop.
- That gives me the legal right

- to be my son's wingmom.
- Uh-oh.

- Wingmom?
- Wingmom.

- That's not a thing.
- Oh, it is.

I'll see you at 0900.

- No, you won't.
- Yes, she will.

That woman isn't setting
one foot in my class,

and you know why?

'Cause it's absurd
and unrealistic

and will never
happen on my watch.

Due to circumstances both beyond
my control and beyond reason,

I'd like to welcome a new
ridiculous addition to our class.

- It's me.
- What?

You were supposed to get
me out of this, not join me!

But now we can
both feel the need,

the need for speed. Together.

I feel that need alone,
not with my mom!

I promise you won't even
know I'm here, little schmoo.

- Little schmoo.
- Now that should be your code name.

No! It's Sky Shark.
That better not stick.

Infantilizing, bro!

Oh, no. The tastemakers
have spoken. It's sticking!

(BOYS LAUGHING)

ADULT ADAM: With my
mom officially enlisted,

I had officially signed up

for a day of fun and
laughter with Pop Pop.

Hey, where's all
the loose change?

You promised me
pocketfuls of quarters.

Huh.

While we're here, might
as well play a few games.

What do you think?

The only game I
played when I was a kid

was "Stop the Irish
from stealing our jobs."

Okay.

There's got to be
coins in the fountain.

I'll hold your legs.

ADULT ADAM: My playdate with
Pop Pop couldn't get any worse...

Holy balls!

Until we ran into my ex.

What's he doing
here? How's my hair?

Looks like a Chia thing.

Shut up and laugh like
I said something funny.

Since when are you funny?

(LAUGHING)

So fun.

Oh. Hey, Pops.

Adam.

Didn't expect to see you here...

With her.

Yeah, I'd love to chat,

but Pops and I are
hitting up Benetton.

Need some resort
wear to be ready

to jet down to Florida
with my main man.

Well, I'm happy that you found
someone to spend time with.

Oh, this one's the best.

Hope you're having fun, too.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) So much fun.

Today, I watched Pop
Pop pick up his prescription

and berate the pharmacist

while I played with the
blood pressure machine.

Classic us.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

You're only hanging out
with me to hurt his feelings.

(CHUCKLES) Well done.

In your face, Al. I'm his
favorite grandpa now.

Not a competition, Ben.

Oh, yes. It sure is.

I've been waiting
for this for years.

You think you're so great with
your pockets full of paper money

and your genuine
kindness. Well, no more.

I'm the Pops now.

You're not the Pops.
I'll always be the Pops.

No, no. I'm taking it because
I hate being called Pop Pop.

Then pick another name, like...

- Poppy.
- Oh, hell, no.

- Pap Pap.
- (GROANS)

- Paw Paw.
- No, no, no.

Face it. I finally beat you,
and this little weirdo is my prize.

Enough! I've had
it with both of you.

No one gets to be my Pops!

And for the record, I still won.

WALLACE: Come on, Goldberg.

The only way out of my
class is over that wall,

you lazy sack of nothing.

Don't you listen to him.
You're a sack of everything!

You need to push that
lazy, worthless body,

or you'll be a loser forever.

Your body is a sweet
treasure, and you're a winner!

Say, "I'm a winner!"

(GRUNTS) I can't.

- Too hard!
- WALLACE: You don't know hard.

Now stand up and
start from the beginning.

Oh, no, no.

He's done. Come with
me and rest up, baby.

- Really?
- Really?

- Really?
- Barry has low energy today

because he overslept and
didn't get a complete breakfast,

but I have raisins,
so we're good.

Oh, are we, now?

We are.

The school manual clearly states

- that nutritional health is one...
- Fine.

Then everyone else will attack
the course except for Goldberg,

who's gonna sit on the side
and eat his box of raisins.

Sir, yes, sir! It's
nature's candy, sir!

Yes. I've had raisins.

I can't believe these
came from grapes, sir.

I wonder who came up
with the idea for them, sir.

- Are you done?
- No, sir!

Permission to share a few
plump raisins with my platoon, sir!

Denied!

Just go sit on the
bleachers and shut up.

The rest of you, move it!

Feels pretty good
having a wingmom, huh?

Mmm, the sun makes
them taste so sweet.

Hey, there, soldier.
How was your day?

Tough as balls, but
you were right, Dad.

It feels good to stick it out.

It does. I bet you're starving.

How about a snack?

- Raisin?
- Mom, he knows.

- He knows?
- He knows.

- Wait. Do you know?
- "Wingmom"?

- He knows.
- How do you know?

- I have my sources!
- What? Captain Wallace tattled?

Bevy, how could you go behind
my back and try and help him?

How could you sign that
permission slip behind my back?

Because it's important.

ROTC was the only
way I could go to college.

It's literally the first thing in
my life I ever saw through.

And thank God I did,
because the guy I was before

wouldn't have had a shot
with you or any of this.

Look, look, you guys both win.

Thanks to mom, I get
to protect my country

in a way that
suits my lifestyle,

being a hero
without working hard.

Well...

Mission accomplished.

Oh, so good.

ADULT ADAM:
Officially grandfather-less,

I decided to go to my favorite
place in the world to cheer up.

(SIGHS) Right there with you,
Pac. You can't rely on anyone.

I got next game.

Not talking to me, huh?

All right. Let's play for it.

If I beat you, then
you got to listen to me.

If not, I'm gone. Deal?

You? Play me?

At Ms. Pac-man? My best game?

Let's just say your old grandpa

may have some skills
that might surprise you.

ADULT ADAM: It
was a game of legend.

Our entire relationship
was on the line.

In that moment,

Pops played that machine
like he never played it before.

Ha! I did it! I win!

Actually, you lost.

Well, that's crazy.

My angry ghosts killed that
Pac-woman over and over.

- You're not the ghosts.
- I'm not the ghosts?

- You're the Pac-woman.
- I'm the Pac-woman?

You're the Pac-woman.

Well, (CLEARS THROAT)
I guess it's goodbye.

ADULT ADAM: As I
was losing my wingman,

Barry was ready for another
day with his wingmom.

Mom, ROTC's in 20 minutes.

Why aren't you dressed
in your camo sweater?

Honey, I'm not going.

But you are. Alone.

What? You never leave your
wingman, and you're my wingmom.

Here. I want to
show you something.

This is a picture of your
dad at his ROTC graduation.

Who does he look like to you?

Me.

Look, your dad had
nothing growing up,

but he was able to
make so much of himself

because he wasn't a quitter.

I think I protect you so
much, I've turned you into one.

That's why I'm ripping up
my list of dangerous jobs.

Whoa.

Does this mean those
jobs are no longer off-limits?

What you want to
be in life is up to you,

no matter how
scary it is for me.

- Even a trapeze artist?
- Don't push it.

Goldberg...

We don't normally say
this in the military, but...

- Where's your mother?
- I'm flying solo today, Captain.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
even without a wingmom,

Barry could still
soar on his own.

As for me, when Pops
walked out of that arcade,

I realized I could never
fly as high without him.

I've been informed that
you're a sucker for a sales pitch,

so I figured you may
want to sit for this.

- Depends what you're selling.
- Us.

By a show of hands,
how many of you fine folks

have a grandson who
you've helped raise?

And how many of you are
willing to forgive said grandson

for acting like a selfish putz?

'Cause the truth is, no
matter where you live,

you'll always be my hero,
always be my best friend,

always be my Pops.

Sold.

ADULT ADAM: And that's
how I made peace with my Pops.

Sometimes it takes
almost losing someone

to make you realize just
how much you need them.

As for Pop Pop, he'd always be

the kind of grandfather
who didn't need much,

but deep down inside, I
knew that he still needed me.

And, to be honest,
I needed him, too.

That's the thing about
the people we love.

They're there at our lowest...

Well done, boys. Only
one thing to do now.

- Yeah, there is!
- ALL: Yeah!

ADULT ADAM: And they're
there when we're flying high,

helping us celebrate
our biggest victories.

Truth is you can win any battle
when your family's got your back,

'cause no matter
what life throws at you,

it's easy for a Maverick when
he's got Goose at his side.

POPS: Winner! ADAM: Dang it!

That's life in the
fast lane, kiddo.

ADAM: How many girls do you
think you've dated in your life?

Too numerous to mention.

Sir! I figured it out.

I know why you were
so mad at my nicknames.

They weren't good enough.

Lucky for you, I got some more.

I was very clear. No
call signs, no nicknames.

- But what about Sky Monkey?
- No.

- Air Dragon?
- No.

- Air Jordan?
- No.

- Thunder Hornet? Sky Dagger?
- No. My God.

- Sky Monkey.
- You already said that.

- Wolf Man. Iron Beagle?
- No! No.

- Mach Nine?
- No.

- Mock Turtleneck?
- No.

- Handsome Barry? Tall Barry?
- No. No.

- Applesauce?
- Yes! That's the one!

Applesauce. You are Applesauce.

- No!
- WALLACE: Oh, yes.

That's just filler.

I was saying that so you
could warm up to Sky Shark.

Pick Sky Shark!