The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - I Caddyshacked the Pool - full transcript

Of all the indignities
of middle school,

nothing was worse than
the soul-crushing humiliation

of being forced to
swim in gym class.

All right, swimmers,
let's have some fun!

The sickening smell of
chlorine, the thick, humid air,

having to be shirtless
in front of your class

while you were at your
most gawky and awkward.

And it was worse for the girls.

They would have to parade in front of us at
the most self-conscious time in their lives.

Please don't look at me. Please don't
look at me. Please don't look at me!

Yep, you dreaded it all year
until, at last, it was unavoidable.



Or was it?

Goldfarb. No suit, again,
I see. What is it this time?

I have a contagious butt rash.

I hated swimming so much,

I would try pretty much
anything to get out of it.

Swimming is against my religion.

I'm allergic to water.

I have an irritable bowel.

I got one heck of a
fungus downstairs.

Yep, I had beaten the system.

Adam is failing gym class.

Or so I thought.

I'd say the failing is
yours, but continue.

Your son comes in every day with
a new excuse for why he can't swim.



If my schmoop
says he can't swim,

then he must have a legitimate
reason, and I fully support him.

So, you can vouch for your son's
claim that he can't get into the pool

because he's a CIA
operative wearing a wire?

That's classified.

I think I can shed some
light on what's going on here.

Wow. Please do.

Your boy is self-conscious
because of his wig.

He doesn't wear a wig.

Well, I'm stumped.

But you better
figure something out,

because an F in gym means
Adam will never get to be

a physical
educator later in life.

Oh, no.

He'll also have to
repeat the 8th grade.

Oh, no!

Yeah, probably
should've led with that.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was October 14,
1980-something,

and Erica was doing
what she did every day,

hanging with the cool kids.

This one's shiny,
and this one's thermal.

This one's flannel.

- This one's denim.
- Ooh, that's super-rare.

Oh, my God.

We are smart, ambitious women,
and we're talking about scrunchies.

Is this really the best
that we can do in our lives?

Oh, wait. I've got something.

No. It's also about scrunchies.

But lately she had been
finding hanging with the cool kids

a little less fulfilling.

Luckily, her search for
meaning came to an end

when she saw one iconic video.

We Are the World,
an epic song for charity

that brought together all
America's biggest music legends.

And for Erica, it was about to
give her shallow life meaning.

Look, Kenny Rogers
and Kenny Loggins!

That's the two best Kennys
in one room. Unheard of.

You're right. If they can
make a difference, so can I.

This changes everything.

Attention, everyone.

After some careful reflection, I am
devoting myself to changing the world.

Good for you, sweetheart.

That's very selfless
and admirable.

- Yeah, that's great.
- Poser.

Excuse me?

I was just agreeing
with Pops. Poser.

You take it back right now.

- Poser!
- I am not a poser.

P-P-P-Poser, poser, P-P-Poser.

Stop it. Stop.

- Poser.
- Shut up!

Back then, "poser" was the worst
name you could call someone.

It meant you were
a fake, a phony,

or wearing the T-shirt of a
band you knew nothing about.

- Poser.
- I am not a poser.

Social awareness is
super-important to me.

I even got Principal Ball to start
a social awareness club at school.

Aw. It's just like when we saw
that We Are The Earth song.

You got inspired by music? Ha!

I am not a poser, okay?

You're the one who pretends to
be a rapper and a Kara-Te master.

I don't pretend anything.

At my core, I'm a
break-dancing samurai ninja

who spits mad rhymes
and dunks mad jams.

That's just a smorgasbord of absurd things
mashed together in one ridiculous human.

You want to know
what's ridiculous?

That you think people would actually
care about your dumb social awareness club,

especially one
started by a poser.

You're a poser!

Copied my insult!
Ergo, you're a poser!

Logic! Barry wins!

You did not! Erica wins!

No, he won. You copied him.

It was weak, sweetheart.

Have a slice of
pizza and be happy.

While Barry was
tearing down Erica's idea,

my mom was about
to try to build me up.

Why don't we try to get the chief
in a good mood for a change?

Nell Carter looks like
she gives great hugs.

What's going on with you?

I hate dress...

- Hey!
- No!

Guess who just had a
meeting with Coach Mellor.

Apparently, Adam is failing.

I don't get it. You
used to love to swim.

- But I figured it out.
- Really?

Yeah. It's your bathing suit.

You're growing fast, and it's
pinching your little coin purse.

That's why I got you these jams.

Nice roomy swim trunks
for all your bits and berries.

Go on. Model them for Mama.

I don't want to model the jams.

- Come on. They're jams.
- I know they're jams.

Well, then show us how
handsome you look in your new jams.

I don't want the jams.

Come on. They're jams.

He doesn't want the damn
jams! Leave the boy alone already!

Well, someone has to address
the issue with his little marbles.

Nobody wants their mom
talking about their yam bag.

My God! The problem
isn't the swimsuit.

It's just... I hate
taking off my shirt.

Why?

I'm ashamed of my body. Okay?

You're ashamed?

Of this beautiful
wall of deliciousness?

Those words make
it so much worse.

I'm never swimming again.

Even if George Lucas
invited me to a pool party

in the swamps of
Dagobah, I'd still say no.

I mean, I'd go and check it out.

How many chances do
you have to meet Yoda?

But I would not
go into the pool.

My mom hoped she could save me.

Meanwhile, my sister
was saving the world.

What's all this about?

It's the first meeting of
the social awareness club.

Erica's dumb thing?

But it's packed. And with
cool kids. How's this possible?

And that's when I decided
that I had to change the world.

Wait, she's getting interviewed
by the William Penn Mirror?

Come on. Don't get all jealous
'cause your sister's making news.

And me eating 32 fish
sticks in the cafeteria isn't?

This is classic media bias!

Please tell me the paper
is writing an article about

how you're the
biggest poser in school.

No, because I'm not a poser.

But I did tell them that
you were one, poser.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy on the p-word, huh?

What is this, a disco?

I really love my community and want
to give back, but Erica won't let me.

Please! He's joining so that he
can ruin my club from the inside.

You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know

that a social awareness
club discriminates.

What are you writing?

We don't discriminate.

Barry is welcome, of course.

You can quote me on that.

Okay, moving on
to our first fundraiser,

I was thinking that a
song could inspire people,

kind of like We Are The World.

I think that we focus on one
issue that's super-important today,

helping the people of Africa.

- Question.
- What?

Why do you get
to pick the issue?

Because it's the
most important one.

To you, but what about the rainforest
or raising awareness for the ozone

or why Air Jordans
are so expensive?

Air Jordans? That's
not even a cause.

You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know

a social awareness
club is run by a dictator.

No, just put Barry's
ideas in your song, Erica.

Say, does anyone else have
an issue to be made aware of?

Perhaps my wonderful
girlfriend has a few.

Now that I think of it, there are,
like, way too many nuclear weapons.

Ooh, that's a good
one. Put it down.

Yeah, but nuclear energy is
cleaner than burning fossil fuels.

That's true. So
write "Yes nukes."

But I just wrote
down "No nukes."

Who else has a
cause? Don't be shy.

Save the whales,
bro. Got to do it.

Except the killer whales.
They're bad, 'cause they're killers.

So, I guess save some whales?

- That makes no sense.
- Write it down! Come on! Shout it out!

There are no bad ideas.

- Poverty!
- Scrunchies!

Our town needs a Bennigan's!

Spay and neuter. - Politics.

Acid rain.

As Erica was beginning to
realize she had a problem,

my mom was trying to solve mine.

What's shakin', bacon?

You up for a
little chat about...

I don't know, Star Wars,
robots, your body, video games?

Please, just go away.

Okay, not until you look at
yourself in the mirror. Come on.

Drink it all in.

Now say "I have
a beautiful body."

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Oh, it will.

Look in the mirror and tell that
beautiful body just how beautiful it is.

You need to leave.

Say it.

- No!
- Say "I have a beautiful body."

Never!

Let me show you how it's done.

I like my eyes
'cause they sparkle.

I like my shoulders 'cause they
look good with or without pads.

I like my tummy 'cause
it's where I baked you.

- Make it stop!
- Wait! My little angel's a 10!

You are a 10!

You're a 10!

After that debacle,

I needed a laugh, so I
turned to the funniest movie

about a dancing gopher
ever made, Caddyshack.

But instead of cracking
me up, it gave me an idea.

I couldn't be expected to swim if
the pool was suddenly shut down.

Those poor schmucks think
someone had an accident,

but it's just a candy bar!

This movie is a hoot!

Things are just getting good.
Where you going, kiddo?

I suddenly got a
craving for a Baby Ruth.

At 6:49 this morning,
our faithful janitor

discovered a foreign
object in the pool.

Initially, we thought
the object was

organic in nature,

so we followed school protocol
and drained the facilities.

Upon closer inspection,
we determined

that the floater in question
was, in fact, a candy bar.

Laugh it up, chuckleheads,
but Caddyshacking a pool

is a serious offense.

I said no press!

Damn it.

Now this is gonna
be all over the Mirror.

My plan had worked.

The question was, how
long could I get away with it?

We don't want a nuclear winter

That's why we need
a nuclear freeze

I know that's confusing...

God. What the hell
rhymes with "freeze"?

Did someone say "Barry"?

Get out!

Because of you, I have
to write a ridiculous song

about every issue in the world.

Chill, girl. Big Tasty's got the
answer to all your problems.

Merch.

Go away!

Just hear me out. Songs are cute, but
if you want to start making real cheddar,

merch is where it's at.

Why are you still here?

Did you know the Rolling Stones
make 93% of their money on T-shirts?

And the other 22%?

Stickers!

Merch, baby! Merch!

I'm not doing a thing you say.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Reserve your judgment
until you see the back.

Are you kidding me?

Your merch is all about
getting you sneakers.

Exactly!

You see, at first, I thought
you were just some dumb poser,

but then I realized your dumb poser
crap can help get me my Air Jordans.

That's it! I don't care what the
principal says. You're out of my club.

- You can't do that!
- I just did.

Oh-ho. The Mirror's gonna
have a field day with you, poser.

Call me "poser" all you
want. I don't care anymore.

In fact, you are worse than
a poser. All you are is a joke.

Oh, we'll see who the joke is

once I start my own rival social
awareness club to raise money for barity.

Barity? That's not a thing.

It's a Barry charity. A barity.

And it will crush your charity.

What...

Stop! Barry!

Stop it!

All right, listen up!

I figured keeping you here hours
after class would flush out our prankster.

Alvin, our janitor,
gave me that pun.

If the culprit doesn't come forward
by next class, you will all be punished!

But know this, I will find you.

My time was running out,

so my only option was
to create confusion.

Whoever did this, stop
being a putz and just admit it.

Honestly, dude, we were
all kind of thinking it was you.

Guys, it can't be me.
That would be too obvious.

It's always the last
person that you suspect.

Don't nod at me.

Everyone knows Dave
Kim's allergic to nuts.

And how do you just happen to
know that candy bar had nuts?

They all have nuts!

Not Milky Way. That's nougat.

- Nougat is nuts!
- You're making that up.

The primary
ingredients in nougat are

sugar, nuts, and egg whites.

Like a criminal mastermind,
I had created confusion,

and it was glorious.

But Erica was about to create
confusion of a different kind.

- Hey, Lainey.
- Yeah, Erica?

When did the earth die?

Today.

Unless you open your
eyes and your wallets.

- Uno, dos, tres...
- Cuatro.

Listen up, America
let's get socially aware

Stop thinking about yourself

Your clothes, your
grades, your hair

Stop the nukes and pollution

Acid rain is not our friend

Save the whales, the ozone

And we'd love to
get a Bennigan's

We'll fix the world

Yes, every problem

There's way too
many on this list

But we will solve them

We want a two-day school week

And Lando Calrissian
for President

And relax the school's
policy on nudity

And I want a date with Erica...

Geoff, stop changing the words.

No, acid rain, yes, recycling

But no more death penalty

Unless the guy
really deserves it

Then zap him, I'd agree

Or her

'Cause we're for equal rights

As well

We'll fix the world

Yes, every problem

No matter how dumb they are

Yes, we will solve them...

Guys. Guys, they're leaving.

Wait... What? Wait, stop!
We have 10 more verses!

Donuts! Charitable
donuts for sale!

What the...

Don't be shy. All
donuts go to barity.

What the hell is this?

Victory. My friend Terrance,
he works at the Wawa.

He gave me all the day-old
donuts they were gonna trash.

You people are eating
garbage pastries.

Why don't you write a
song about it, Bob Dylan?

One glazed, please.

This isn't a charity. It's exchanging
money for goods. It's a business.

You're just jealous, 'cause I'm
changing the world one donut at a time.

- Fine. I give up.
- So you admit it.

You're the poser, not me.

I just wanted to do
something important,

but I guess you were right.

No one cares, and no
matter how hard I try,

I'll never make a difference.

Two days!

It's been two long,
swimless days,

and our prankster still hasn't
admitted to Caddyshacking the pool.

Until our culprit comes forward,

you will all run laps
every day, all period long.

Mirsky.

So, you're saying we run
laps instead of swimming?

- That's right.
- Nice!

Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.

You're telling me you'd rather run
laps indefinitely than get in the pool?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. That's good.

Well, in that case,

swimming for the
rest of the year!

We can't just swim all
year. What about basketball?

It'll be water basketball.

- Dodgeball?
- Pool dodgeball.

- Crab soccer?
- You'll be on rafts.

For the love of God,
whoever did this, just admit it.

Okay, fine. I know who did it.

The other day
after class, Adam...

Made us realize it was Dave Kim.

What?

I didn't see that coming.

Dave Kim, my office.

It's a setup! It
couldn't have been me!

Nougat is nuts.

The primary ingredient is nuts.

Maybe we're
being a little hasty.

You can't protect
him now, Goldfarb.

He made his choice.

Not so funny now,
are you, candyman?

Hey!

"Caddyshame"?

Dave Kim is guilty?

I cannot believe this.

Everybody knows Dave
Kim is allergic to nuts,

and nougat is nuts.

No, this has Adam
written all over it.

We've watched that
movie a million times.

No! Adam wouldn't do that.

I mean, I solved his problems
by forcing him to love his body.

Nobody wants to hear that
sort of thing from their mother.

Well, if that's true,

then I suppose he needs
to hear it from his father.

Or his grandfather.

I'm not saying that
weird stuff to the boy.

We keep it loose.

Murray, you need to do this!

Now go up there and tell
him he has a beautiful body

before he believes he doesn't.

And so my dad set off to
tell me I had a beautiful body.

Hey. Uh, how you doing?

Why are you in my room?

Just came by to say "Hi" and...

What?

To tell you, you
got a beautiful body.

- What?
- You know, that you got a beautiful body.

See, you keep trailing
off, specifically at the end.

You got a beautiful body.

This body of yours... Beautiful!

Don't ever tell me that again!

Deal. But...

Let's be truthful.

- You don't have a beautiful body.
- Thanks.

You're in middle school.

Your body, it's
stinky and greasy

and it's growing too fast.

And when you
talk, it's... It's like a...

A broken kazoo.

Those days were horrible.

I Remember them. I really do.

Since when have you had a
shred of insecurity about your body?

You'll go anywhere
in your tighty-whities.

That's now.

When I was your
age, I hated my body.

The good news is, I grew up,

and life beat me down so hard

that I eventually
stopped caring.

And someday, life
will crap on you so hard

that you'll stop caring, too!

That's oddly comforting.

Trust me.

Eventually, you'll realize

it doesn't matter what
other people think.

Thanks to my dad, I
knew I had to take a stand.

All right, everybody, settle in.

Gonna watch this jokester
do laps for the next hour.

Anything you'd like to say

before you begin
your aquatic odyssey?

I didn't do it.

It was time to be a man

and take responsibility
for what I'd done.

Wait.

I did it. I
caddyshacked the pool.

Innocent!

Look, this wasn't some prank.

I did it because
I hate swimming.

We all do.

We dread having to wear our
swimsuits in front of each other

because we feel super-weird
about our super-weird bodies.

So if it's a crime to
be self-conscious,

then I guess I'm guilty.

But just ask yourself...

Isn't that punishment enough?

No. A month's detention.

Balls.

As for the rest of you...

Is he right?

Yeah.

All right, look.

I know not everyone is
in peak physical condition

like coach.

A lot of you got baby fat.

Some of you are gangly,
spaghetti-armed monsters.

Others just look
like a sack of paste.

But if this is how you
feel, then I am willing

to make even the worst of
you a little more comfortable.

That's the crazy thing
about growing up...

Help comes when
you least expect it...

From the people you
expect the least from.

What's this?

Consider it a baritable donation
to your social whatever club.

But this is your Air Jordan money.
Why would you give this to me?

Look, maybe you are
a poser, but so am I.

Don't tell anyone, but I can't
dunk on Charles Barkley.

I'm not in the Yakuza.

And even though it looks like it,
my body's not as cut as LL Cool J's.

Well, your secret's
safe with me.

So, we're both posers,
and so are all our friends.

I guess we're all just
trying to figure it out.

But the one thing I do know...

You will definitely
make a difference.

Thanks, Barry. Thank you.

When we're young, we're all
just trying to figure out who we are.

Donate to make a change, people.

If it's an issue you care
about, it's on this shirt.

And sometimes other people
see our potential before we do.

Poopie. You like the jams.

I thought maybe I'd
wear them to swim class.

And even though it's scary to
not know where you're going,

with people who love you,
you know you'll be okay.

I made him feel beautiful.

You sure did, Bev.

At times, you'll struggle to be
comfortable in your own skin,

but if you look around,

you'll find you're in
pretty great company.

Alive and kicking

Stay until your love is

Alive and kicking

Alive

Crazy-awesome news...

My barity is
back in full effect.

Dear God.

How do you keep making
these T-shirts so fast?

Mom's got iron-on
decals of all our faces.

Check mine out.

No, take it off!

Focus!

I wanted to let you know

I took a page out of your book,

wrote a dope song to raise
money for a good cause.

Kick it, JTP.

Poverty, pollution
the world ain't fair

What this planet needs
is clean water and air

Jordans!

Stop, stop, stop!

That was amazing,

and you definitely need to do
it in front of the whole school.

Yes! Philanthropy! Barry wins!