The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Jimmy 5 Is Alive - full transcript

Murray reluctantly agrees to build a robot with Adam. Barry accidentally tapes over Beverly's treasured video of his 5th birthday party.

Back in the '80s,
before you could film

a major motion
picture with your phone,

the only way to capture
memories was with this monstrosity.

The video camera.

It was literally
backbreaking work,

but the result was
always priceless.

What's up, B-ball fans?

Big Tasty coming to
you live from the drive.

Rumor has it you like dunks.

Well, I call this one, "Slam,
jam, thank you, ma'am."


"Honey, I dunked the kid."


"Good morning, Viet-slam."



Call me "Jean-Claude Van Jam."



This is the worst
thing I've ever seen,

and I see my dad in his
underpants every day.

But we're only halfway through
watching my Jampilation,

the extrava-jam-za.

Yeah, this has been
amazing, you know,

a Saturday really well spent, but
I am gonna go do anything else.

Aah! It's my little
love muffin's birthday.

Dude, did you tape over
your fifth birthday party?

That could have
been anyone's parents.

No, I remember that party.
Your mom gave me a haircut

'cause she said my
mom did a bad job.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yes. This is wonderful.

For me. For you, it's
like as bad as it gets.

It's fine. Mom has
millions of tapes of us.

It's not like she has every
one of them memorized.

Hi, love nuggets.

Oh, your fifth birthday.

Oh, I remember
every single moment.

- We should go.
- No, no. Stay.

Let's all watch the
best time in my life

when you were my little schmoo

and you used to give
Mama endless huggies.

You heard Mama. Play the tape.

Why watch an old video

when you can get a
real huggie right now?

- For real?
- Get in here, you.

- Oh, ain't this the best?
- Totally.

I can really feel your
whole body against mine.

Oh, my baby's so
big and squishy.

Help me.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was October 7th,

and my dad was engaged
in his favorite hobby.

Watching The Weather Channel.

Back then, there were
only five channels to watch.

With the invention of
this exciting network,

Dads across America were hooked.

Call cousin Arnie.

They have a blizzard
warning in Denver.

They have no idea
what they're up against.

Unless it banks south.

Then they'll just have
nice, mild flurries.

Ooh. My knee is acting up.

Bet it's gonna rain.


This guy thinks it's gonna
rain today with 5% humidity.

I liked you better when
you hated everything.

Yep, the weather
was my dad's hobby.

And of course, it couldn't be
anymore different than mine.

Okay, here's the deal.

You're looking at a sentient
robot named Johnny 5

from the hit movie Short Circuit

and the less critically
acclaimed Short Circuit 2.

Why is the robit
lounging on a raft?

That thing weighs a
ton. It makes no sense.

The point is, The Hobby Shop
is selling a limited edition kit

to build a mini replica
Johnny 5 and I need money.

You do realize I'm
gonna say no, right?

I do know that, yes.

And that's why
I'm gonna call this

a learning-based project
and ask you to build it with me.

Do not do that. Do not call
it a learning-based project.

Then give me the money.

I won't involve Mom, and we
can each go our separate ways.

Done. How much?


I'm gonna ask you
to go away now.

Mom, I have a learning-based
project Dad won't get involved in.

What is this about a
learning-based project?

I like the sound of that.

I want to build a robot with Dad,
but he doesn't want to do it with me.

Murray, it's a
learning-based project.

Mama, why won't
he let me learn stuff?

It's a learning-based project.

The thing costs 100 bucks.

Tell you what.

Instead of going to the store
and buying a bunch of robot parts,

Dad will help you build one
from junk around the house.

Oh, no, what have I done?

- I was literally just sitting here.
- No. Zip it. Zip it.

Zip it. I've made up my mind.

You two are building
a robot, and that's final.

Yay! Learning-based project.

Yeah, I'm a putz.

While I was stuck with the
grumpiest man on the planet,

Barry went to the
smartest man he knew.

Coach Mellor. Coach!
I need your help.

Third graders, out.

You're of no use to me
until you develop adult bodies

that can play
something besides tag.

What are we looking
at here, Goldberg?

I taped over my
fifth birthday party.

My mom will never forgive
me if I can't get her tape back.

You're the AV club
adviser, help me.

Well, it's more of
a ceremonial title.

I just get to keep the key
to the AV closet on my belt,

but mostly I just
hand the key off

to that weird kid with
the Muppet voice.

- My brother?
- That's him. Muppet boy.

So is it possible?

Can we un-film
what I taped over?

Absolutely. All we got to do
is pop that tape into the VCR,

hit record and rewind
at the same time,

and it will un-record
the top layer of video.


The answer was in front
of me the whole time.

Except that wasn't the answer.

To the nerd hole.

While you could easily
tape over something,

you could never un-erase it.

No. Why didn't it work?

'Cause nobody really knows
how VHS technology works.

It's a mystery
science can't solve.

Looks like your only
choice is to come clean.

Or I double-down and keep lying.

I lied on a job
application once.

Said I was proficient
in the audio-visual arts.

Now, here we are.

- So the lesson is...
- Don't lie.

Unless it gets you an
extra 60 bucks a week

and a butt-load
of extension cords.

I feel good about today.

In my brother's mind, there
was only one logical choice.

Frame my mom.

First, he took his
ruined birthday tape

and steamed off the label.

Next, he stuck it onto my
mom's Phil Donahue tape

so the next time she'd
watch Barry's birthday,

she'd find this.

This, in the long-term,
is not good for us.

I just don't understand
how I could be so careless.

Don't beat yourself up too bad.

I mean, yeah, it's an
unforgivable mistake.

- But one day, I'll recover.
- But I won't.

Those were the first moving
images of my precious love monkeys.

Lost. Forever.

Dude, I'm all for
lying to our parents,

but this is very not okay.

The good news is she'll totally
forget about it in a few days.

I will never forget about this.

- Or a few weeks.
- Ever.

Mom's a mess.

- I've failed as a mother...
- I can't take it, Barry.

- As a woman...
- Either you tell her...

- And as a human person.
- Or I will.

This is all your fault, Phil Donahue,
you gorgeous white-haired bastard.

Okay, brainstorming session.

Murray, now that you've been
forced to build a robo-man,

you get to delight in
Adam's favorite hobby.

I was about to delight
in The Weather Channel.

They got a new ticker at
the bottom of the screen.

It's always moving.

- Are we done here?
- No. Come on.

Tell me what this metal
sucker should look like.

Get the ball rolling, Mur-Man.

I don't know.

It could have a button.

Good. A button.

Way to go there, big
guy. Adam, your turn.

It definitely should have
a Back to the Future style

flux capacitor for time travel.

Don't write that down. No
time travel. That's not a thing.

There are no bad ideas in
brainstorming. What else you got?

I don't know.

Maybe like a pointy
hand that could poke stuff.

An ion-based magma cannon.

- A hat.
- A combat-ready cloaking device.

- Metal feet.
- We should also give it

emotions and a sense of humor.

- No. Don't write that down.
- Ever heard of Short Circuit?

Once we get it struck by lightning,
it'll be alive just like Johnny 5.

That was a movie.

For the sake of argument,
let's entertain the notion

that this robot can have
anything we want it to have.

That's what I'm
trying to do, bro,

but unless this robot
can give fog advisories,

my father ain't getting onboard.

A weather robit. Now,
that actually makes sense.

I want this thing to
have a snow plow.

And inter-dimensional portals.

Now we're cooking with gas.

While my dad and I were
finally coming together,

my mom was still falling apart.

Dude, look at her.

She's even lost her
will to Jazzercise.

You were supposed
to tell her by now.

I know, but I have great news.

I came up with something
so much better than the truth.

I searched through
all our old tapes

and cut together Beverly Goldberg's
most awesome moments as a mom.

I call it a Momtage.

I don't understand.

See, I took the word mom

and mushed it into
the word montage,

which is Spanish
for the word honesty.

I know what montage means.

Just tell me how it'll
make her feel better.


There's nothing that woman
loves more than taking care of us.

Once she watches
her greatest hits,

she'll give me a hug and
forget all about the other tape.

Never surrender


Well? Good stuff, right?

Yeah, I'm going
to tell her myself,

because this will literally
send her into madness.

Why can't you trust me that
for once I make things better?

You did it Schmoo-Barry.
You went on the big potty.

We'll remember this forever.

- No.
- That's why.

Because you taped over
another priceless memory.

Chill. I can fix this
with another Momtage.

It had been two days
since my dad came aboard

my greatest hobby,
and the results were epic.

Big news.

I got a tin of rugelach.

You two look like
you could use a break.

No breaks. We're
on a roll. Check it out.

Here's our robot
in killer cyborg form.

Here he is shooting
his laser-guided fist.

And here he is using a
Doppler radar to predict black ice.

Hoo-hoo! Can you imagine?

- Now let's get to work.
- On what?

Duh. Our robot.

Sure, it won't be easy,
but you said you'd tinker.

We can't build this thing.

It's got a time-travel thingy. This
technology doesn't even exist.

- Not with that attitude.
- Okay, it's on me.

I should have known
better than to encourage

all this robit nonsense.

Like your hobby's so
great? The weather? Feh!

Don't feh the weather.
It can make or break us.

Just ask those poor
bastards down Tornado Alley.

Please. My robot can defeat
any tornado you throw at me.

Easy, fellas. Have
some rugelach.

Really? A Category 9
twister vs. this tin can? Please.

It's got nuts and
jam. Just take a taste.

You fool.

My robot is made out of
indestructible adamantium

and has a drill that can
dig into the core of the Earth

and change your
precious weather patterns.

I should have never
agreed to the drill.

I was on the fence about it, and
now you're using it against me.

My own son!

Just take a taste.

Al, enough of your
deli cookie, please.

Just take a taste.

Look, you're not a
little kid anymore.

You got to stop with these toys
and the fantasies and the robits.

It's robot. Why won't
you say it the right way?

- Say "robot".
- I am. Robit.


- Robit.
- Robot.

- Robit.
- Robot.

It doesn't matter
what you call it.

You need to find a
hobby for a kid your age,

a hobby that's real.

None of this crap is real.

You think I don't
know what's not real?

Well, you sure
as hell act like it is.

It's called fun. To
pretend, to imagine,

to think of things that
may be possible one day.

It's what I do.

Hell, I'll go build
this robot right now

just to show you
anything's possible.

You're gonna go invent
a time-traveling robit

in your room just to spite me?

Yes, and he will walk and talk

and be the father that
you could only hope to be.

At this point, I'm very open to
a metal man coming down here

and taking some
of this off my plate.

Good. 'Cause it's done.

No, no, no. Again,
I'm really into it.

Rugelach is a friendship snack.

As I convinced
myself to build a robot,

Erica convinced Barry
to come clean to my mom.

Hi, Ma.

You can unload those
groceries by yourself later.

Right now, we need to talk.

What's wrong, squishy?

First, I'll kick things off
with a gravity-defying dunk

dedicated to my very
understanding and forgiving mother.

I named it "I love you, Mama."

You're very sweet to
cheer me up, honey.

And remember that.

'Cause after my dunk,
I'm gonna tell you all about

how I taped over my
birthday, then framed you,

and then taped over
even more precious stuff.

Watch me jam it home.

That's right, JTP.

Get my mom riled up
with your infectious energy.

He soars like an angel!

You did it?

And then made me turn
against Phil Donahue?

So you lost a few
irreplaceable memories,

but think about what you gained.

An explosive Jampilation of
my sweetest rim encounters.

You think I'd
rather have a video

of you jam-dunking on
some low rim? Seriously?

Low? That's NBA regulation.

It's not. I just told you that to
make you feel good about yourself.

- It's low, bro.
- That thing's tiny.

That's not regulation at all.

Oh, my God.

I entered the dunk contest at
the Villanova game next week.

How could you lie to me?

Because that's what
a good mama does.

She builds you up

and makes you feel
like you can do anything.

I've spent the past decade

planning to be a basketball
legend and rap star.

Now, I'm just gonna be
some lowly rap mogul?

That can't be the
life you want for me.

What I want is
my old tapes back,

but that's not
happening, either, is it?

My life's a sham.

Goodbye, dreams.

As my brother's
dreams were dying,

I was realizing it
really was impossible

to give life to a robot.

Hey. What are the rules?

Don't come in your room,
don't touch your crap,

and don't come in your
room to touch your crap.

And right now, you're
breaking all of them. Get out.

I'm sorry, okay?

But I really need the electrical
guts inside this boom box.

- For what?
- To build a spite robot

that can replace Dad.

- A nice one that keeps his pants on.
- Take a seat.

All right, how do
I say this? Uh...

It's time to give up
your stupid thing.

What? No, no, no. Never.

Trust me, I'm talking
from experience here.

When I was your age,
this was my hobby.

Shortcake. Heard of it?

Yeah, they're those chubby
dolls that smell like pie.

Put her in your hand and
tell me what you smell.

- Nothing.
- Exactly.

I smelled her so
long and so hard

that all the berry is
gone, and you know why?

Because I was playing with
these until I was in the ninth grade.

Oh, God.

No one liked this
girl, Adam. No one.

Everyone else moved
on to real hobbies

like sports and boys
and wine coolers,

and I was still
sniffing the Straw.

But robots are way
cooler than those dolls.

Are they, Adam? Are they?

It's time, dude. Move on.

The last thing I wanted

was to be that sad,
little geek in the photo.

At that moment, I
realized my dad was right.

It was time to give
up robots forever.

While Barry's heart was broken
'cause he'd never play in the NBA,

my mom felt even worse 'cause
she was the one who broke it.

Goodbye, round mound of rebound.

It would have been
nice to be your teammate

until I became a
franchise player

and you got traded
to Utah in disgrace.

In that moment, my mom
knew that some taped memory

from the past
wasn't as important

as making Barry feel
good about his future.

And so Beverly Goldberg
did what she does best,

build up her children
in an unrealistic way.

- Barry, wait.
- Mom, I'm going to school

'cause I actually
have to learn stuff now

'cause I'm not getting drafted
by the Sixers next month.

Love bug, just sit down. There's
something I want you to see.

Never surrender

See, I took the word schmoo
and combined it with compilation.

Mom, don't bother. It's not
gonna make anything better.

Hee-yah! Ne-yah! Ne-yah!


I hate this game.

Adam. Get out. Stop video...


But you forgot to
mention my Frisbee skills.

And how easily I can
make friends with horses.


You're so much more
than basketball, honey.

You are amazingly talented
at so many amazing things.

I am good at
basically everything.

I just couldn't live with myself if
I knew I took away your dreams.

So, does this mean you
forgive me for ruining your tapes?

Of course.

Look, I know it's crazy
how much I love them,

but they just remind me of a
time when you still needed me.

Mom, look at all the
stuff you do for me.

Everything I am
is because of you.

I'll always need you.

Goodbye, R2 and 3PO.

I guess you are not the
droids I was looking for.

Well, you did it. He's
giving up all his robots.

I didn't want that.

I just wanted him
to grow up a little bit.

Look at him. He's
watching the damn weather.

He has the rest of
his life to be one of us.

Why rush him into it?

Oh, damn. I hate
when you're right.

Where you going?

I'm gonna finish a
learning-based project.

Just as I had given up robots,

my dad went out and bought
me the one I always wanted.

Hello, Earth Boy.
It's me, Short Circuit.

Just go away.

Be-bop-boop! Be-bop-boop!

Not interested.

But Jimmy 5 is alive.

I'm alive!

It's Johnny 5, and you're
not alive. You're a stupid toy.

Look. I know what I said.

And I'd never want you
to stop with the robit stuff

because of me.

It's fine, Dad.

You're not the only one
who said I should move on.

Well, they're wrong.

I like that you got
a big imagination

and you like all that
crazy time-travel stuff.

- You do?
- Yeah.

It's what makes you, you. And
I wouldn't want to change that.

Maybe a little.
You're a weird kid.


So what do you say
we take this sucker out,

and try and get it
struck by lightning?

- Bring this robit to life.
- It's robot.

And it's impossible to know
when lightning's gonna strike next.

Hey. You got your
hobby. I got mine.

And with that, my dad
and I combined our hobbies.

Of course, lightning
never struck my robot

and Jimmy 5 never came alive.

But that night, my dad
and I made a memory

that would last a lifetime.

Something we would
always have to look back on.

That's the thing about
letting go of the past.

It's never easy.

And sometimes, we
never let go of it at all.

But the amazing thing about life

is that we make new precious
memories every single day.

Hey, Mom.

I was gonna go outside and
throw down some monster jams.

Maybe you want to come watch?

I'd love to, baby.

And the memories come
when you least expect it.



I have awful news.

Do you remember that video of me

playing with my
Strawberry Shortcake dolls

when I was little?

- I accidentally taped over it.
- Erica, how could you?

I'm sorry. I guess I just
messed up like Barry did.

Yeah, that's a real shame.

Lucky for us, I made a copy.


Good morning, Blueberry Muffin.

You smell delicious today.

Oh, why, thank
you, Cherry Cuddler.

Do you want to join us at the
Berry Bake Shoppe for tea?

Oh, well, I can't because I have plans
with my boyfriend, David Hasselhoff.

So adorable.

- You're so dead.
- Classic.

- So awkward.
- I love her so much.