The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 23 - Big Orange - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Growing
up, my brother Barry

had a favorite shirt
he couldn't live without.

It logged nearly 7,000
hours on his body

and took part in over
2,000 loads of laundry.

He even gave it a
name, Big Orange.

- Bye, Mom, off to school.
- Whoa! Back it up.

It's picture day for the yearbook.
You're not wearing that shirt.

The Creamsicle orange really
makes me pop off the page.

No. No way. You wear
that thing all the time.

Just look at these
pictures from last year.

Wrestling team, orange shirt.



Beatboxing Club, orange shirt.

Nunchucking
Society, orange shirt.

BARRY: Don't forget
Zombie Survival Club.

Colleges are gonna snap me up.

You know what
the coolest club is?

The handsome oxford
button-down club! Huh?

Look at me and know this. I
will never take off Big Orange.

I will get married
in this shirt.

I will win the Super
Bowl in this shirt.

I will become President of the
United States of America in this shirt.

Well, then, I'm not gonna
come to your inauguration.

Who am I kidding?
Of course I'll be there.

And I'll iron that shirt.

ADULT ADAM: And as
bad as it was for my mom,



it was even worse for
his girlfriend Lainey.

Happy anniversary, babe!

Dude, I spent hours on
my makeup, fixing my hair,

and squeezing into this dress.

I'm so lucky I'm a
boy. I woke up like this.

I was wearing this
shirt and everything.

ADULT ADAM: Lainey always looked
at my mom as a surrogate smother,

but nothing bonded
them more than one thing.

God, I hate that shirt.

He looks like a
walking circus peanut.

He looks like an angry Cheez-It.

It's like I'm dating
a glass of Tang.

Once, when he was wearing it,
a panhandler gave him change.

I had a dream I married it

and we had little
orange shirt babies.

I wish I could get him to
ditch it once and for all,

but he won't listen to me.

(SCOFFS) Or me.

Wait.

- What about us.
- "Us"?

Separately, we
can't control him,

but together, we can join
forces and destroy him!

- With love.
- I like where this is going.

We hit him hard and fast.

Let's juice this orange.

Babe, we're gonna take you
to the mall and buy a new shirt.

Already got one. Thanks.

Really think you should let
us take you shopping, Schmoo.

Mmm, maybe some other time.

- Assuming there is time.
- I'm just trying to help you, Barry.

ADULT ADAM: And so the
mother-girlfriend onslaught began.

My mom and Lainey
spent the next 10 minutes

laying down the most intense
guilt trip our family had ever seen.

Just die broken-hearted.

If that's the truth, then
why don't you trust me?

Do you not love me?

Okay.

- Great!
- Wonderful.

(BOTH LAUGH)

What just happened?

I think you're going shopping
for a new shirt, kiddo.

I really don't need
one. This one's great.

(MUFFLED) Oh, shoot.

Oops.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
May 11, 1980-something,

and I was climbing the
ladder to my tree house.

It was my sanctuary,
the place I felt most safe.

Oh! Balls!

That's it. This tree
house is coming down.

Your mother told me to tear that
thing down immediately two years ago.

I was hoping it would rot
from the tree, but no such luck.

No! You can't just destroy
a piece of our childhood.

Trash it. It blocks my
rays during peak sun.

Peak sun! There you go.

No. Don't listen to her.

That's my fortress of solitude.

Ugh! Can you please dismantle
Adam's fortress of dorkitude now?

I would love to get a good base
before pool-party season starts.

I'm gonna get my sledgehammer.

Never!

Damn it. Where are you going?

The only way to get me down
is if you remove me yourself!

Whoa!

Please don't do this.

That tree house
means everything to me.

Why is this the one time you're
not giving in to your laziness?

Because I just had
my morning nap.

Erica, help me out here.
Dad's threatening to be handy.

Talk some sense into him!

What about your experience
with me makes you think

I'm gonna care about
this conversation at all?

How can you say that?

Don't you remember all the
awesome stuff we used to do up there?

Sleepovers, stargazing,

the bottle-rocket wars,
the Goldberg Gang.

No idea what
you're talking about.

Don't you?

Maybe the case of the missing
Skeletor will jog your memory.

(LISPING) Two days ago,
our detective agency got a lead

on a missing
Skeletor action figure.

The details of the case
reside in this dossier.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the day,
kid crime solvers were all the rage.

Nancy Drew inspired us to
form our own detective agency

with a completely
original name...

- Goldberg Gang here.
- ADULT ADAM: Or not.

After examining all our clues,
our evidence leads us to this spot.

Dad? We need to
see what's under you.

I told you I don't have
your stupid toy, now stop...

Looks like Goldberg Gang
is gonna have to set up

one of those
stealthy, intricate traps.

- Dad, there's pizza in the kitchen.
- What?

Yes! Case closed!
To the tree house!

Okay, stop! I remember
the stupid Goldberg Gang.

Now erase the tape so I
can go back to forgetting it.

Oh, come on. Can't we do one
last case before the tree house goes?

Just like the old days?

Oh, look!

Lucky's missing! It's
the case of the missing...

Damn it. She's right there.

ADULT ADAM: As I was hoping
to reunite the Goldberg Gang,

Lainey and my mom were
desperate to rid Barry of his trusty shirt.

(SIGHS) I can't wait
for you to try these on.

You're gonna be the
handsomest boy in the whole world.

But you said I'm already the
handsomest boy in the whole world.

Now you can break your own
record! Just like Wayne Gretzky!

The Great One? Yes!

Distracting him with
hockey people. You're good.

I learnt from the best.

(KATRINA AND THE WAVES'
WALKING ON SUNSHINE PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: That day,

Lainey and my mom manipulated
Barry into the most epic

trying-on-clothes montage
that the '80s had ever seen.

ADULT ADAM: It started out
fun, colorful, and somewhat stylish,

but after two grueling hours

and an ungodly amount
of acid-washed denim,

- (GASPS)
- It became just plain ugly.

And don't it feel good?

I'll say it, I'll say it,
I'll say it again, now

And don't it feel good?

He looks so cute! (SQUEALS)

- We fixed him.
- You sure about this?

Baby, I'm telling
you, you look hot.

Richard Grieco hot.

Looks like Big Orange's
reign of terror is finally over!

(SIGHS)

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, it wasn't.

- BARRY: Hey!
- Um, what is happening right now?

What the (BLEEP).

You have a closet
full of new clothes.

Why is that back on your body?

I got an algebra quiz
I'm not gonna study for,

so I need my lucky shirt.

Oh, and Thursday is Naked Rob's
birthday. He expects me to dress up.

And Friday is Big Orange
Friday. Got to wear Big Orange.

It's back and more
disgusting than ever.

How did it not work?

God, I just wish that
shirt could disappear.

- Couldn't it?
- What are you saying?

Accidents happen all the time.

Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't
do what you're suggesting right now,

- but if there was an accident...
- Clothes are very fragile.

It's really got to look like
one, if it were to happen.

- Which it won't.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Unless it does.

Ooh, Duran Duran is playing
downtown this weekend.

- Want to go?
- Can't.

It's my stepdad's last day
before he turns himself in.

- (BUZZER)
- Boom!

Dryer's done. Come
to Papa, Big Orange.

Let those awesome threads
magnify this awesome bod.

What the hell?

I could've sworn I...

(GASPS) No.

No, no, no, no, no!

ADULT ADAM: And in that moment,
my brother Barry came face-to-face

with the greatest
tragedy of his young life.

Stay with me, Big Orange.
It's not as bad as it looks.

The colors are
draining from him!

You got to fight. Come
on, buddy! Stay with me!

Want me to tell
him it's just a shirt?

Don't just sit there.
Do something!

What do you want me to do?

Call 911. Tell them
there's an emergency,

but don't get into details.

Hurry! Tell them to put a
shirt doctor in the ambulance.

God, why do bad things
happen to good T-shirts?

I don't know. Mom
made a mistake?

Mom never makes
laundry mistakes.

Someone's out to get me! A
third party did this on purpose!

Well, it's done. Just
cleaned out the tree house.

The Goldberg Gang is
officially out of business.

No. Not yet!

There's one more case
I need them to solve.

There's been a murder.

A shirt murder.

This has my stepdad
written all over it.

To the tree house!

ADULT ADAM: Even
though Big Orange was gone,

Barry refused to rest
until the culprit was found.

We know you could've
taken this case to anyone,

so we appreciate
you coming to us.

Yeah. This is dumb,
so I'm gonna go.

No! Wait! You guys got to
help me find out who did this.

Big Orange's spirit will
not rest until the perpetrator

has been found
and paid his debt.

- And what's in it for us?
- You mean besides the justice served?

Yeah, I'm gonna
need something real.

I'll also pay you $7,000.

Um, yeah, no-brainer.

It's my bar mitzvah money.

I've been saving it up for
a moment exactly like this.

For when someone
destroyed your $10 T-shirt?

Don't you want to save
it for a trip to Europe

or a down-payment on a...

Don't answer that.

- The Goldberg Gang is on the case.
- Yes.

You know the drill,
Erica. To the tree house!

That means frantically run to
the backyard and start the case.

You know, to the tree house!

Fine, but we're walking
at a regular pace.

To the tree house!

ADULT ADAM: At long last, the
Goldberg Gang was back on the beat!

But before we could
catch the culprit,

we first had to go over
the usual suspects.

Okay. This investigation
is officially open.

- It was Mom.
- Too obvious!

- We need to think outside the box.
- It was Mom.

Figure out who has the
means, opportunity and motive.

- Which spells "Mom".
- Coincidence!

Fortunately for us,

I've narrowed it down
to only 36 suspects.

Suspect number one, Pops.

Put a few martinis in him,
he's capable of anything.

- It was Mom.
- Suspect number two, me.

Am I guilty? Probably
not, but I do sleepwalk.

It was Mom.

Suspect number three!

- What is that?
- A ghost, classic Scooby-Doo villain.

Again, it was Mom.

This is not a mystery,
we're not detectives,

and this is not
our headquarters.

What are you guys doing up
here? I told you I'm tearing this down.

You can't. Not now. This
case is heating up, man.

Enough with the case!

I don't want you out there,
running around like a loose cannon

because it's my ass on
the line, and I won't have it!

I got to find the truth!

It's gotten too personal.
You're off the case.

Give me your magnifying
glass and your hat.

You can't shut us down, old man!
Me and my partner will not rest

till we track down and
interrogate every single option.

ADULT ADAM: And so
our intense search began.

- It was you.
- Me? Please. (CHUCKLES)

You know how much I respect
laundry. My record's impeccable.

- Well, maybe it wasn't an accident.
- What are you saying?

You've always had
it out for that shirt.

Looks like you finally
pulled the trigger.

Or it's not one person at all.

Maybe a crime this
complex is a two-man job.

You don't know what you're
talking about, nerd boy!

I mean, don't interrupt your sister.
(CHUCKLES) You know, manners and stuff.

I know that you're guilty,
and eventually, you'll crack.

Until then, we will follow
every lead and not stop until...

Where'd she go?

(WHISPERING) To the tree house!

This is bad. Real bad!

- They're closing in on us.
- Hold it together. They got nothing.

There's bleach on my hands!

Just remember, this
was for Barry's own good.

So you keep your
pretty little mouth shut!

(GASPS)

Looking good, snuggy boo.

How do the new threads feel?

I look like a foreigner.

A handsome, stylish foreigner.

Like a super-hot
Balki Bartokomous.

I miss my old shirt.

I don't know who I am anymore.
Am I big or tasty? No one knows!

What have we done?

- When he finds out, it's all over.
- Well, he's not gonna find out.

- You dig?
- I dig.

Repeat after me.
I am rock solid.

"I am rock solid."

It was your mom and I.
We're, like, totally guilty.

I have one question.
Who are you covering for?

What? No one. I
literally just confessed.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Typical patsy taking the fall for
a network of criminals above you.

Why is he talking like that?
I, like, literally confessed.

It's pathetic. He's
stretching out

the whole Goldberg Gang
thing as long as he can.

- Just ignore him.
- Look, you got to drop it.

If Barry finds out what I
did, he'll never forgive me.

Fine. Your secret's
safe with me.

I'll save your implausible
relationship with my brother.

You can't ignore the facts!
This conspiracy runs deep.

I'll bring the real culprits
to justice. You'll see!

ADULT ADAM: Lainey may have
confessed, but I wasn't convinced.

I was about to blow
this case wide open.

Dude, you okay?

Yeah, Adam said you had a
bathroom-based emergency.

Yeah, I brought the back-up
khakis from my locker.

This isn't my first rodeo.

What? Adam said you guys had
a bathroom-based emergency.

I, too, have attended
that sad rodeo.

Gentlemen.

There is no
bathroom-based emergency,

only a laundry-based mystery,

and I've gathered all of you here
'cause the culprit stands amongst us.

JTP, is this true?

- What?
- Never!

That's a no on the khakis?

They were all over at the
house on the day in question.

That means all of
you had opportunity.

- That's insane.
- Insane like the jealousy you felt

every time Barry
wore Big Orange?

You loved that shirt, but
knew you could never pull it off

'cause you were too tiny.

I prefer small-boned.

Or was it Naked Rob?

- A closet Penguins fan.
- The Penguins?

- Robert.
- I was born in Pittsburgh.

Or maybe it was Geoff Schwartz!

You knew taking out
Barry's favorite shirt

would make him melt down.

Lainey would have to console him,
leaving Erica without a best friend

and plenty of time for
you to win her heart.

- Wait, would that work?
- I will kill you dead!

No, Barry. I didn't do it!

He's right. He
didn't do it alone.

It was the entire JTP!

Okay. If this is true,

I must disband the JTP.

- ALL: JTP?
- Oh, it's true.

Thank God I kept digging
even after Lainey confessed

to destroying the
shirt with Mom.

Yeah, thank God.

Wait, what?

I can't believe the two of
you would betray me like this!

Big Orange was better to me
than either of you ever were.

It's just a shirt, babe.

We didn't know how
much it meant to you.

And in our defense, we
didn't know we'd get caught.

I don't want to hear it!
From this moment on,

I officially declare I have
no girlfriend and no mother.

- You can't do that.
- Yeah, you can't do that.

Well, you can do it to her, but
you can't do it to your mother.

I say this all the time,
you only have one mother.

Well, I'll find another one.

- You wouldn't dare.
- I will.

I'll tell that nice,
old lunch lady

who always calls me "son" to
put her money where her mouth is.

Well, I hate to point fingers,
but, uh, this is on you and only you

and no one else and not me.

Are you kidding me? This
whole thing was your idea.

What kind of mother
does that to her son?

A mother who doesn't approve
of her son's snitch of a girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend, thanks to you!

You promised not to tell and
you narked like a nark, you nark.

I didn't tell Barry. The little
geek went off on his own.

Only 'cause you and Dad
kept insisting I drop the case.

Wait, Murray. You
knew about this?

Great. I told you not to go
off half-cocked like a cowboy,

but you had to play
by your own rules!

That's as much anger as I can
muster for something so stupid.

Great job, genius.

You made everyone in this house
completely turn on each other.

Blame yourself, nark.

And I would've gotten
away with it, too,

if it weren't for
you meddling kids.

It's not my fault. The case
seemed so cut and dry.

Back when we were kids,
there was always a twist.

Hello! Mom forced me
to go up in that tree house

and play with you, so I
made up all those cases.

So, you lied to me?

Yes. My God.

You are going to be in
high school next year.

You need to grow up, and fast,
because I'm done taking care of you!

I just wanted to hang
out like we used to.

That's all I wanted.

ADULT ADAM: It had been a day
since Barry had lost Big Orange forever,

- or so he thought.
- Ta-da!

- What's this?
- It's Big Orange, squishy.

Big Orange is gone.

Big Orange was gone,

but I sewed him up, dyed him,
and steamed him real good,

and now he's bigger, better,
and more orangey than ever.

Hey, Big Tasty, look what I got!

An old friend
wants to say hello.

(LAUGHS) Wow!

Lucky me! Now I
got two Big Oranges.

- What the...
- Why are you here?

To get Barry back.

That's what I was trying to do,

but now you're screwing
me in the pooper!

- Oh, sweet God!
- What? What'd I say? Is that bad?

BARRY: Unbelievable!

You not only destroy my shirt,

but come in here and try
pawning off these imposters?

Imposters? Mama fixed
it. This is the real thing.

- No, this is.
- This is it.

This shirt is. See?
It's orange and a shirt.

I reject all these shirts
with their coarse material

and tight collar and
non-stained pit parts.

These aren't Big
Orange, they're big lies.

I know you're upset, sweetie,

but don't throw out the
Beverly with the Lainey water.

Hey, hey! Look
what I sewed back up!

Large Orange, now
everyone's happy.

That's Garfield!

I need to punch something.
Adam, I need you!

That did not go well.

It's over. I have no son.

And I have no boyfriend.

I think Garfunkel is sporty.
I'm keeping this thing.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
my mom and Lainey realized

they hadn't just
ruined Barry's shirt,

they destroyed his trust.

There was only one
way to win him back,

and that meant helping
him truly cope with his loss.

- What's going on?
- Look, we messed up.

And we know there's
no way of going back,

so we brought everyone
here to help you move forward.

By saying goodbye,
the right way.

BARRY: This is nice.

My shirt would've liked this.

They really did a great
job with Big Orange, Bar.

Yeah, they really did.

- They made him look so peaceful.
- (TV PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

Murray! Turn off the TV.

I'll mute it, but that's
it. It's just a shirt.

(WALKING ON SUNSHINE PLAYS)

BOTH: (SINGING) I used
to think maybe you loved me

Honey, do you have
anything you want to say?

I'd like to say a few
words about Big Orange.

It's like, life goes so fast
when you're growing up.

I guess it was nice
there was something

that was always the same.

I mean, all my greatest
memories were in that shirt.

Dad!

I was wearing it when we
went to our first Flyers game.

It's a shirt!

JTP, the first time I ever played
smash ball, I was in that shirt.

(ALL GROAN AND LAUGH)

- JTP.
- JTP.

Ma, you taught me
how to cook in that shirt.

(SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)

Lainey, I ran in
the rain in that shirt

to tell you how much I love you.

Whoa-oa-oh

So I guess...

I'm walking on sunshine

I'm gonna miss the memories
but I'm glad I still have them.

I'm walking on sunshine

To Big Orange!

ALL: To Big Orange!

Wait, that's what this
is? A shirt funeral?

Damn it. I missed a
real funeral for this.

And don't it feel good?

ADULT ADAM: The most painful
part of growing up is saying farewell

to the stuff you love the most.

But as much as it hurts,

we all have to tear
down the old things

to make room for what's new.

ERICA: (LISPING) The Goldberg
Gang is on the case. To the tree house!

We're gonna be communicating
through this walkie-talkie system.

You ready, Adam?
(MIMICS STATIC) Copy?

(MIMICS STATIC) Anybody there?

It's gonna be great.
Okay, over and out.

Still watching those
old tapes, huh?

Don't worry, I'm over it.

Come with me. I want
to show you something.

Why would I want to
go anywhere with you?

I thought you like mysteries.

I said, baby, I just want you
back and I want you to stay

What's this?

I thought we could
build a new tree house.

But I thought it
was time to let it go.

Well, some things
are worth holding on to.

Our old blueprints?
You still have them?

The truth is, when we were kids,

I didn't make up those
mysteries because I had to.

I did it 'cause I loved
spending time with you.

Whoa-oa-oh

Don't it feel good?

ADULT ADAM: Letting
go of the past is hard,

but what's even harder
is that we'll never know

what the future holds for us.

But when you finally stumble
upon that perfect fit in life,

nothing is more rewarding.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Yes!

Walking on sunshine

WOMAN: Okay, Troy's
freestyle on this one.

(RAPPING) Yeah, you know
it's me Yeah, it's Big Tasty

The one and only

Grabbing on the mikey
and I gots the gravy

You know I'm gonna
go a little bit shady

And we ricky-ricky-ticky-ticky
rhyme to the dime

Yeah, you know me, always
going kind of crazy with them lines

And I'm fly-fly, yeah
you know it, Lainey, baby

And we doing it
and we in the '80s

And we on fleek on
fleek all night long

And you know, know, know
we'll be singing that song

And dab, dab, dab on them hos

And we go, go, go
and we all jump, hey

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yeah!