The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 22 - Smother's Day - full transcript

Adam dreams of going to Space Camp. Beverly is upset on Mother's Day when she receives an obviously last-minute gift of "mom coupons" from Barry and Erica.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I was obsessed with space camp.

Yup, NASA had an
actual summer program

where you got to
live like an astronaut.

Hollywood even made
a Space Camp movie

starring a young Joaquin Phoenix

and a goofy robot which captured
the heart of the entire nation.


No one is talking, dude.

it captured my heart.

Wow! Wasn't that the most
amazing movie you've ever seen?

Eh, a bunch of kids getting
accidentally launched into space?

That's asking a
lot of the audience.

It wasn't an accident.

A small boy befriends a robot

who gets a NASA computer
to launch them into orbit.

It's based on a true story.

Yeah, you said the same thing about
Mannequin and Weekend at Bernie's.

Fine! I believe in
the magic of movies!

Doesn't change the fact that I'm

gonna go to the real
space camp someday.

If I were you, I'd go
now, before it's too late.

What do you mean, "too late"?

We're in high
school next year, bro.

Stuff like space camp
doesn't exactly scream "cool."

No! You think?

Your dorkiness is
becoming a tonnage issue,

so, yeah, I'd rein it in.

Then it's settled! This summer,

I will live out my
dream at space camp,

and nothing's gonna stop me.

Nothing except your dad,
who will for sure stop you.

Oh, he'll try, but I got the
ultimate weapon... Showmanship!

You guys. (LAUGHS)


What the hell? Jim J.
Bullock was about to get sassy!

Jimmy J. can wait! I've got
an urgent presentation for you

that will for sure
change your entire life.

Will it?

ADAM: Space...
The final frontier.

Or is it?

My name is Adam Frederick
Goldberg, and I have the right stuff.



Damn you, Earthling hero! I would
have taken your precious moon

if it wasn't for one thing!

- Space camp!
- Space camp!


Commander Adam Goldberg,

you just saved the moon
from an alien invasion.

How did you do it?

I learned it at space camp!



That's right. Space Camp.

For the price of only
500 cups of coffee,

you can help your youngest
son reach for the stars.

It's me, Adam Clayberg, and my
dream is to go on a real spaceship.

Look! Here's one
now! All aboard!



I know you're a busy man,

so I took the liberty
of filling out the check.


Of all the moron things my
moron kids have ever asked for,

this takes the cake.

Dad, this is my dream!

You're literally asking
me for a spaceship.

Don't twist my words! I
just want access to one.

The answer is no. I'm
not sending you to space.

And you! Stop encouraging him!

I have to be honest... I
don't know what any of this is.

I just like spending
time with the boy.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

Mother's Day 1980-something,

and my mother was awaiting

her children's love
on her special day.

Something's wrong. I
don't smell breakfast.

her children forgot.

It's me, your mother.

Ready to enjoy all the things that
mothers get. (CHUCKLES) You know.

BARRY: Enough
with the small talk.

We need breakfast
foods. I'm a growing boy.

I would love a nice fruit plate,
but with no honeydew filler.

And don't let the
pineapple touch the kiwi.

Yeah, I like that. Sounds good.

You should really
be writing this down.

ADULT ADAM: Fortunately,
our house had one suck-up...

- Oh!

- What's this? You two finally dating?
- Ha!

Oh, boopie! That's so sweet!

Happy Mother's Day.

- Son of a bitch.
- We are so boned.

What's wrong? Did...
Did you guys forget

and I'm the only decent
child in this family?

Shut your face-mouth!
We have a gift.

It's a boat. It's two boats.

It's not a boat,

but it's way cooler
and more expensive.

We just got to go
wrap the awesome thing

that we bought you
months and months ago.

We got to go to
the toilet together.

- You deserve better.
- I really do.

There she is,

doing the hardest
job in the world!

Bet you thought we forgot
about your special day,

but we were just
messing with you.

Gotcha, you clueless piece
of crap! Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, what do we have here?

Mom coupons.

Yep. Good for one free huggie.

Mine's for a snuggle wuggle.

All righty. Another
great Mother's Day!

Take care.

Uh, you do know the
ink is still wet on these?

But it's the
thought that counts.

You didn't have the thought.
You didn't think about me at all.

And yet it counts.

Kind of seems like a desperate,
half-assed empty gesture to me.

"Empty"? You can totally cash
those bad boys in any time you want.

Great. I'll cash
them in right now.

Ooh, now's no good for me.

How about you save
them for a special occasion,

like next Mother's Day?

Or I can cash them all in today

and make this the greatest
Mother's Day of my life.

(STAMMERING) You kept all those?

Oh, yes. Through the years,
you've given me many coupons,

and I've been saving
them all for a rainy day.

Guess what.

Storm's a-comin'.

ADULT ADAM: Oh, yes.
Forget Mother's Day. It was time

for Smother's Day.

What have we done?

ADULT ADAM: As Barry and
Erica entered their worst nightmare,

I was still dreaming
of Space Camp.

Oh! What is this we
happen to stumble upon?

It's the Gyrotron 2000, which
simulates the tumble-spin

upon a rocket's re-entry.

Kiddo, weren't you just
talking about Space Camp?

What an amazing coincidence!

Wait! You said you
needed sports shoes

for the big athletic game.

And now that I hear
myself say it, I'm an idiot!

The real reason I brought you
here was to witness my dream.

I told you, no Outer Space Camp.

It's just "Space Camp"!

And once you see the joy on my
face, you won't be able to tell me "No."

Trust me. Your heart will melt.


Oh! This isn't right! We
shouldn't be playing God!

That looks joyful.

My system! My delicate system!

(SCREAMS) My delicate system!

I ruined a pair of pants,

but still had my passion.

If Mom asks, my old
pants were stolen. Got it?

Okay, you gonna give up on
all this space nonsense now?

No! Come on. Put
yourself in my shoes.

Think back to when you were a kid,
you know, pushing a hoop with a stick

on the way to
the old fishin' hole.

How old do you think I am?

Point is, you were a child
once, with hopes and dreams,

just like me. We're the same.

Nope. Never had any dreams.

Every kid has dreams.

Mmm, I didn't.

Wait, you've always been like
this? I thought life broke you down.

Eh, even before that,
I was like, "Myeh."


Can you believe him?

Look, don't be so
hard on your dad.

It's how he was raised.

Pop-Pop convinced him
that dreams were stupid.

That's it! I'll go ask Pop-Pop!

He'll know if Dad had
any hopes and dreams.

Wait. You actually want to go
talk to that bitter old bastard?

You're a braver man than I am.

For me, fear isn't an option.

Excuse me, sir. You left
this bag in the dressing room.

- Looks like your old pants?
- It's not mine!

It belongs to another
small boy! Go, go, go, go!

It's been a minute. We're
done. Let me out of your grasp.

The coupon says
"Spoonies with Mama."

It doesn't specify a time limit.

"One minute" was implied!

Well, you should have put
that in the terms and restrictions.

I wrote that when I was
six! The world was still new!

Well, why don't we
change that attitude

with a "Full Day
of Compliments"?

Dear God, why?

Oh, go on. Just tell me
everything you love about me.

- Your hair is yellow.

You're always picking stuff up.


And putting cheeses
on meats and shrimps.


I don't know. Erica,
help me out here.

I've got my own problems!

This is... (GAGS)
I can't... (GAGS)

This is my hell.

Okay, I'm finished.
It's finally over.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Not yet. I'm
gonna get the pumice stone

and let you go to town
on my rough areas.

I've got a coupon good
for whatever I want.


Oh, no. Why would
you write that? Why?

I was 10! I wanted to go play! I
didn't know this day would come!

This is too much.

Last night, we went
to an Italian restaurant,

and she made me "Lady and
the Tramp" a piece of spaghetti.

That's nothing. This morning,
I gave her a back massage.

Her skin sucked up
the lotion like a biscuit!

Yesterday, I held hands
with her for an hour

as we walked around the park.

We looked like a lesbian couple
where she makes the money!

While I'm having
my heels shaved,

why don't we hear about
Barry being a little teapot?

I'm not a little teapot!
I'm a ripped one!

Uh, we're done. Mother's
Day is officially over.

Sorry, boop. I've still got a
huge stack of coupons left.

Doesn't matter, 'cause
they all just expired.

(LAUGHING) Oh! We both know
there's not a coupon in the world

I can't make the manager honor.

Well, I am manager,
and I reject your coupons.

Why do you get to be
manager? This isn't fair.

There is no manager.

I demand co-manager, or I walk!

Whatever! Fine!
We're co-managers!

And my first act as
co-manager will be this.

I see. So, you're not just
ruining this Mother's Day.

You're taking every
other one away, too.

I'm sorry, but we
have no other choice.

Message received.

I apologize in advance
for what comes next.


Uh, whatever this is, I
don't want it or need it.

It's me, your grandson.

I know.

The boy just wanted to know
which of Murray's dreams

you crushed when he was a child.

Oh, this could be
fun. Come on in.

And that is why you
never trust a Polynesian.

Yeah, I think we're
getting off-topic.

Remember, I came here about
my dad's childhood dreams.

Aw, that dummy
never had any dreams.

Are you sure?

Wait! Come to think of it,
that dummy had a dummy.

There's the dummy's dummy.

What the... Dad wanted
to be a ventriloquist?

He loved this stupid
wooden piece of crap.

Luckily, I told him to
stop being a jackass

and go out and get a job.

Stupid nine-year-old kid.


Can I have this, Pop-Pop?

No way! I use that
in the carpool lane.

Come on, Ben. It'd
mean a lot to Adam.

How much is "a lot"? $200?

Are you trying to shake
down your own grandchild?

He looks like he eats good.

It's a small price to pay to give
Dad his dream so I can get mine.

Fine. I'll take care of it.

That was a discount
price for the kid.

For you, it's $300.

Well, that's fair.

Let me just reach
in my wallet, and...

Go grab the doll
and go. Go, go, go!

- Go, go, go! Go, go, go!
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

You're lucky I was too
cheap to have hip surgery,

or I'd be running after ya!

ADULT ADAM: It was the
morning after Barry and Erica

trashed their
Mother's Day coupons.

My mom had yet to retaliate,

until now.

What the...

ERICA: What the...

My things!

Your things? What
about my things?

Mom, come quick! We got robbed!

BARRY: We need
to get the FBI on this!

They took my hockey stick!

And some things from
under my mattress!

Your things aren't
stolen, schmoopers.

I just took them all back.

What are you saying right now?

You took away a
lifetime of gifts from me.

It's only fair I do the same.

You can't do this!

I need my samurai sword
and my California Raisins

and my dancing cola friend!
They're what makes me me!

You mean this guy?

He dances for me now.

Shake it, cola man!

This is nuts.

Who takes revenge for
something horrible done to them?

You know what? Keep our stuff!

I'm not giving in to
your crazy demands

of respect and decent treatment!

And I can live without my special
dancing cola friend, no problem.

Just you watch.

ADULT ADAM: That day, Erica and Barry
weren't the only ones refusing to back down.

Hey, Dad. I have an amazing...

Uhp, uhp! I'm watching the channel
guide to see what's on at 8:00.

I already missed it once, and
it's about to come 'round again.

This can't wait!
It's that important!

Oh, damn it!

I missed it again!

This is the worst
day of my life!

Well, it's about
to get a lot better.

I don't know what that is.

Stop! I know all about the dummy.
Pop-Pop told me everything.

Fine! The dummy is
mine. Are you happy?

I got that stupid
thing when I was a kid.

But, why does it
look like you now?

"Now"? That's how I looked.

Admit it! You had dreams,
like every other kid in this world.

Come on. Put your
hand in your old friend.

I will not put my
hand in my friend.

Do it! Feel your dream again!

Why is this happening to me?

Put your hand right on in there!

Stop saying that!

Murray, what's the big deal?

Jam your fist up your old pal.

It'll feel nice.

I see what this is.

You're trying to
prove I had dreams

to let you go on
your stupid space trip.

What... Me? How dare you, sir!

Okay, everyone calm down.

Tell you what. I'll send
him to Space Camp.

No way, Al! You're not
sending him anywhere.


I'm sending you.

Stop undermining me!

I'm the father!

It's my job to keep his
head out of the clouds

and down here on Earth!

Don't worry, buddy.

I got your back.

No, you don't!

That, he hears.

I'd struck out again,

and while my mom had
struck Barry and Erica's closets,

they protested
by getting creative.


Mama made pancakes.

(CHUCKLES) For Lainey, not you.

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
their protest didn't work.

Um, you sure you guys don't
want to go upstairs and change?

You know, since you
look like insane drifters?

This is the look of freedom.

Mom thinks she won
by taking my stuff.

Well, I made my own dress,

like Molly Ringwald
in Pretty in Pink.

Only, instead of a cute
pink dress, it's a trash bag.

So convenient.


We are supposed to be on
the same team! Do better!

I don't get it. Your
mom's amazing.

Her pancakes have
these crispy edges.

(SCOFFS) It gets old real quick.

You're not here. You don't know.

I'm actually around a lot.

I'm literally here right now.

Look, I know she can be intense,

but if you guys want your stuff
back, you got to step up in a big way.

ADULT ADAM: And that meant one
thing, shedding their garbage clothes

and performing a lame,
half-assed love song.

Mom, she is the bomb

She puts the
"Viet" up in the 'nam

Mom makes me
sammies full of salam

"Mom" spelled backwards,
it still spells "Mom"

Other words like that
are "racecar" and "noon"

We don't need our things back,
but we'd like 'em back soon. Hit it!

Mothers and daughters
and mothers of daughters

Mothers are mothers
and mothers of daughters...

Blah, blah, blah. It's a
work in progress but...

What do you think?

- Fine.
- "Fine"?

Why aren't you attacking us
with unwanted physical affection?

Yeah, and I reached into the depths
of my soul to write you that song.

You wrote that song for your father
when you wanted to go on a ski trip.

I did not...

know you knew about that.


I give you my everything
364 days a year.

Is it too much to ask to have one
day where you do something for me?

And your lyrics are terrible.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
gave up on Smother's Day,

I was going full throttle to
get me some Space Camp.




Not you, Lucky. You get cheese!

Okay, I see what you're doing.

You're leaving Maury around

so I'll fall back in love with
him and change my mind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Maury"?

Yeah. Murray and Maury.

You named him Maury?

We were a twin act.
I was the funny one.

Then embrace it.

I will not embrace it!

Let your dream come
alive in your hands!

These hands will
be part of no dream.

Just do it once.
Let me meet Maury.

You want to meet Maury?

I want to meet Maury!

Fine! Meet Maury.

Hey, I'm Maury. I'm a
colossal waste of time,

just like a camp for spaceships,
which is even dumber than me.

Okay, you are
incredibly gifted at that,

but also incredibly
wrong about Space Camp.

Am I? 'Cause I'm pretty
sure it's stupid as... (BLEEP)

Hey! You're a master
at your craft, but not cool!

Sorry. I can't control what
he says. You know how it is.

If that's how you want
to play it, let's dance.

Now he's a dancer, too.

Does this kid have any
hobbies that don't suck?

Hey, Adam, is that putz your
dad or a black cloud of despair?

You're not doing it right! I
can see your mouth move.

Just 'cause you're dead inside
doesn't mean Adam has to be!

When will you realize
that life isn't all about

your Space Wars
and your Space Trek?

And it's Star Wars
and Star Trek!

Enough. We're done
talking about this.

You're not going to space.

My God. Do you even hear yourself?
You're just as bad as Pop-Pop.

He crushed all your dreams,
and now you're crushing mine.

I am nothing like him.
Have I ever left you hungry?

Did you ever have to walk home
five miles in the rain from school?

Have you ever cried
yourself to sleep

because you didn't know if
I was coming home or not?

Dad, I didn't know that.

Well, there's a
lot you don't know.

ADULT ADAM: My mom had given
up on her perfect Smother's Day,

but for Barry and
Erica, it had just begun.

- Good morning, Mamacita.
- Geez!

You can fold my socks later. We
got something special to show you.

Guys, it's fine.

Mother's Day is over.
Let's just move on.

Actually, it's just
getting started.

This is your real Mother's
Day, and it starts with

the most delicious
breakfast you've ever...

Holy hell!

BARRY: Aah! Things are burning!
Oh, dear God! What have we done?

Look away! We'll fix this!

Panic is sweeping
my body! (SCREAMS)

Idiot! What did you
put in the dishwasher?

I don't know! Some
kind of liquid soap!


(SINGING) I believe
the children are our future

Teach them well and
let them lead the way


Show them all the
beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride

Remind us how we used to be

Everybody's searching for a hero

People need
someone to look up to

I never found anyone
who fulfilled my needs

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, my
mother saw through the smoke, foam,

flames, and
fighting and truly saw

her children loved
her more than anything.

Sure, our Mother's Day
wasn't pretty, but it was us.

Mom, we're so sorry.

Yeah, we suck.

Not only did we ruin
your Mother's Day,

but we ruined the attempt
to make it up to you.

Are you kidding me? This
right here? It's everything.

But we destroyed your favorite
place in the world. The kitchen!


Honestly, all I wanted was to
know you cared enough to try,

and you did try so, so hard.

That we did.

Okay. This one's free.

No coupons necessary.

Eh... Adam stole this from you.

I never understood why you spent
your money on this stupid thing.

You know, I was just a kid.

No, you were a moron.

You're lucky I was
around to set you straight.

You know, you could have
been a lot nicer to me back then.

I was your dad. I
was doing my job.

ADULT ADAM: That day,
Murray Goldberg learned

what it really meant
to be a good father.

I did the best I
could, you know?


ADULT ADAM: Thanks to Pop-Pop,
my dad realized the best he could do

was give us the chance
to soar for the skies.

And for me, that
meant one thing.

Plane ticket?

Wait. Is this for Space
Camp? Seriously?

Yeah, I don't get it, but I
don't want to be the one

who stands in the
way of your dreams.

I believe

No matter what they take from me

Hey, Dad.


ADULT ADAM: It was always
hard for my father to say, "I love you."

But in the end, all that
mattered was how he showed it.

And thanks to Barry and
Erica's messy Smother's Day,

my mom learned that their love
for her was as big as the universe.

And they connect right there
to make the Big Dipper. See it?


We'll get there.

what it means to be a family.

Sure, you occasionally
act like a dummy,

but in the end,

you always help each
other reach for the stars.

ADAM: Look! It's
the Space Shuttle!


Yo! You want a ride?

- Liftoff!


That's the machine
that defeated your pants?

I will dominate it!

ADAM: That thing
is merciless, Bar.

It's not worth it.

No, no. Let him go.

It's Gyro time.

Oh! Whoa!

Stop it! Something's
happening to my body!

I should not have
had that milkshake!

Here's 10 bucks to keep it
going until he passes out.

I'm unconscious!

I'm completely unconscious!