The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 21 - Rush - full transcript

The '80s had a
lot of pop trends,

and my sister was
into all of them.

It all began with New
Kids On The Block.

Danny, Donnie, Joe, Jon, Jordan.
Danny, Donnie, Joe, Jon, Jordan.

Most of these trends
lasted only a week or so,

some even shorter.

Hey. Girls just want
to have fun, am I right?

And it's over.

In fact, the styles
changed so fast

that at school it was nearly
impossible to keep up,

especially for Geoff Schwartz.



What's up, Erica? Really
feeling the Flock today, am I right?

Ugh, Flock of Seagulls
is so last week, Geoff.

We're all about
Debbie Gibson now.

But I used an entire
jar of honey for this.

I've been fighting
off bees all morning.

I told you. I'm not gonna date you
just because we love the same music.

Yeah, bro.

If anything, you should hate
her guts for the crap she listens to.

Whoa, I'm sorry. Do you
have a problem, Johnny Atkins?

My problem is your music sucks.

Big mistake, bro.
Yo, back me up, JTP.

That's a polite pass, bro.

Your hair says you don't know
what you're doing with your life.

Well, you dodged
a bullet, homeboy.



For your sake, back off my girl.

- Not your girl.
- I love you, Erica! You will be!

You guys need to get a clue.

There's only one band
on the planet that matters.

- Rush.
- Here we go.

- Not again.
- Rush sucks.

They're not the canned
garbage that you listen to.

They're real.
They're from Canada.

It's super cold, so they have
to rock super hard to stay warm.

I'll take your word for it.

Why take my word for it when
you can come to my Corolla

and find out for yourself?
Unless you're afraid.

Of being alone with you in
your rusted-out piece of crap?

- For sure.
- Hey.

Johnny Atkins respects women.

He has bad hair days, too.

Not many, though.

You ready to step
into the musical cocoon

and emerge a rock
'n' roll butterfly?

Just play it so I
can be proven right.

In that moment, my
sister's mind unlocked

as she was ushered
into a world of prog rock.

Today's Tom Sawyer

Mean, mean pride

It was an instant attraction
in more ways than one.

I don't even know what's
happening right now.

This is a terrible mistake.

- One you'll make again.
- Don't tell anyone.

I can promise that I
won't. But I definitely will.

There's one thing you
should know about me.

I'm painfully honest.

You're a fox, but you also wear
too much makeup like a clown.

See?

Knock it off, you two.
You're on school grounds.

And you're in my parking spot.

The window's rolled down
so I know you can hear me.

Hello. Cut it out.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was April 1980-something,
the morning of my birthday.

And that meant one thing.

There's my little
birthday schmoops!

All I want for my birthday is for
you to not call me, "Schmoops."

Aw, you're cute.

So, look, I know how much
you like big Hollywood directors,

like Steven Lucas and
George Spielberger,

so I special-ordered you this.

Don't hurt your
little arms. It's heavy.

My own Oscar?

- Read it!
- "Best Son."

Yes, you are! And
that is gonna go great

with the big Hollywood-themed
birthday party I'm throwing you.

Speech!

For once, can't I
plan my own birthday?

- What?
- What is this?

"Best Son"?

You gave Adam a golden
trophy? That squeaky-voiced turd?

Honey, it's not what you think.

Oh, I think this is
exactly what I think.

This tiny golden
man is non-living proof

of what I've always known.

Adam's your favorite.

That is not true!

I love all my kids equally.

I don't have a
"Best Son" trophy.

The only things you've ever gotten
me are expensive gifts from the store.

Take it. This trophy represents

everything that's wrong
with my life in this house.

No. I want my own trophy

because I'm better
than Adam at everything.

Can he soothe animals with just
some peanut butter and a smile?

Can he eat an entire apple
in just two bites? Hmm?

Give me an apple right now.

Bad start. Give me another.

Don't waste my apples.

Look, I'm sorry
you feel this way,

but there's nothing that'll
convince me that I play favorites.

See that? Adam's photo
is twice the size of ours!

This is a misunderstanding.

The photo guy made it the
wrong size, and I couldn't return it.

Please. I've seen you return a
dead goldfish, used ChapStick,

and a bathing suit Dad wore for
10 straight days in Puerto Rico.

That liner was
destroyed. Destroyed.

I know the truth and so does he.

Just look at that smug
little face lording it over me.

Adam! Where are
you? You're so dead!

Oh, no. What have I done?

You've woken me up.

Barry thinks I got a bigger photo
of Adam because he's my favorite.

Every parent has
a secret favorite.

- Mine's Erica.
- You can't say that.

I don't have a favorite.

Beverly. Come on. Come on.

It's Adam, damn it!

He's my cute little munchkin
who sweats when he sleeps

and then I flip the pillow
over to the cool side and...

He whispers, "Love you, Mama,"

and then I just want to
gobble his delicious face!

Okay.

My God. Barry's right.

Well, starting now, he is
gonna know what it's like

to be my number one son.

Get back here! You will
pay for what your picture did!

I was just reading a book!
This makes no sense!

As my mom was coming to terms
with who her favorite child was,

my sister had no doubts who
her new favorite band was.

Wait. What is happening?

Why are you
covering up Debbie G?

Because I discovered
something infinitely better...

- Rush.
- Holy crap.

- You made out with Johnny Atkins.
- You're a bad little girl.

How could you
possibly know that?

Because he's the only other
person I know who's obsessed

with that lame wizard band.

Also, he's telling everyone.

Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't
have made out with him.

You don't actually
like him, do you?

I don't know. He's
like a cocky band nerd,

but he's also honest and
deep, but he also has a ponytail.

It's so confusing.

I've dated the biggest
jerks on the planet.

Trust me. You need to end
up with a nice guy like Barry.

Okay, please don't gag

when I mention
your brother's name.

Why are you gagging?

I'm sorry, but her gaggy
face is making me gag.

Stop.

- Yo. It's Johnny Atkins.
- Yo. So?

So, Erica's expecting me.

Mind if I just pop
upstairs, chill for a few?

Yes, very much.

All right, then
give her this flier.

Battle of the Bands this weekend.
Speed Up's gonna win top prize.

- Speed Up?
- My Rush cover band.

Thinking Erica could join us

because our guitarist
got arrested for selling...

- fudge.
- Fudge.

- So good, it's illegal.
- Okay.

Well, are you gonna
have her call, or...

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

I'm not letting Ponytail Johnson
anywhere near my daughter.

Trying to keep them from
each other is a classic mistake.

It'll only make her
want him more.

Just like with you and Bev.

Please. You loved me.

No, I hated you real bad. Thought
you were a stubborn grump.

First night, I nicknamed
you "El Lumpo."

- Because you're a lump.
- Yeah, yeah. I get it.

Really bad-mouthed you to
everyone. Backfired big-time.

So when you think
about it, you're welcome.

- This is hurtful.
- Just leave it alone for a week

and it'll go away on its own.

- Was someone at the door?
- I'm not sure.

Murray, did someone stop by?

No, he did not.

While my dad was
ignoring Pops' advice,

my mom was about to
turn all her attention to Barry.

What the heck is this?

Just a "Best Son" trophy
for my real best son.

Here's the truth.

You are an amazing
athlete with a ton of trophies.

I only gave Adam
one for "Best Son"

so he wouldn't be
jealous of your greatness.

See, this makes sense.

And to prove you
really are the best son,

I'm gonna focus all my
time and energy on you.

Just please don't
say anything to Adam.

And hurt his feelings?
I would never.

Sorry, sucka!
Barry's number one.

- The trophy's mine forever.
- Cool.

Hope you enjoyed
your day as "Best Son"

because now Mom's only
gonna focus on me. Ha!

Wait.

- Did she really say that?
- Absolutely.

Oh, my God!

You literally are the
best brother ever.

And the "Best Son."

My mother's rejection of me

is the most wonderful
birthday gift I could ever get.

- It's your birthday?
- From the bottom of my heart,

thank you, Barry
Norman Goldberg.

You're welcome.

I feel like you're trying
to tell me something,

but I'm too excited
to figure out what it is!

Hello, Father.

Tell me something.

By chance does this
"Battle of the Bands" flier

look at all familiar to you?

Just say what you're gonna say.

I saw Johnny Atkins
at school today.

He told me you slammed
the door in his face.

Oh, that...

Yeah, I only did that
because he's a piece of...

- You get it.
- Gonna backfire.

How could you be
so shallow and judgy?

- You don't even know him.
- Mistake.

I know he's a teenage boy who
associates with fudge dealers.

Here it comes.

Johnny's, like, super deep.

He introduced me to
Rush, he makes wax hands,

and he even wrote me a poem.

- I'll read it.
- Please don't.

"Her eyes sparkle
like the sun. Erica."

Don't bash the poem.

I hate that poem.
And I hate that boy.

You are not going out with him.

What? You can't
tell me who to date!

And yet, I just did.

It's happening.

Will you stop singing
ominous warnings?

It's done!

But, of course, it
had only begun.

Hey, Erica.

What'd I say?

You said no going out, which
is exactly why we're staying in.

That's not in the spirit of our
agreement, and you know it.

Yo, Dad-bro. You close the door?

You're letting all
the good vibes out.

Shut up, Ponytail Johnson!

I joined Johnny's band,

so we're gonna be
practicing here a lot.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

No, I won't excuse you!

What the hell? Don't do that!

Do not kiss him! It's my garage!

You hear me? That's my garage!

It was only the first day of
Barry being the number one son

and I was already
reaping the benefits.

Schmoopaloo, Mama
has some truly tragic news.

Barry's hockey game this weekend

is at the exact same
time as your party.

You're not gonna be there?

Of course we'll rush right back,

but as far as the planning
goes and everything...

I'll plan it myself. You won't
have to worry about anything.

Okay, headed to practice.

Not yet. Come and
eat this chili I made you.

No, I'm not gonna eat a
bowl of chili before I play.

- It'll slow me down!
- Nonsense.

It'll give you strength. It's
Mama's special power chili.

- I don't want it.
- It's loaded with meat and beans.

- I don't want it.
- It's Mama's special power chili.

I'm not gonna eat
your special power chili.

- Look at the meat and beans.
- I see the meat and beans.

I just don't want to eat
the meat and beans.

Eat the damn meat and
beans, get some power,

then wash it down with some
bone-strengthening buttermilk.

No milk and no chili. I
have to skate for three hours!

That's why you
need the buttermilk.

It coats the mouth and belly
from all the power-giving chili.

- No.
- There you go.

It's so beany and meaty.

Feel the beefy power.

My tongue can't
fight the beefiness.

Shh. Mama knows.

Now you're ready.

Just go make a
boom-boom and I'll take you.

- But I just have practice.
- I'm going to every practice.

In fact, I made these devilled
energy eggs for the ride.

- What just happened?
- You're her favorite.

Enjoy.

You got a little
something on your...

Ah, never mind.

As Barry was surprised by
what came with being "Best Son,"

my dad gave Erica
a shock of her own.

What do you know?

All of your closest
friends, classmates,

and your teacher,
here, in our den.

Hey there, Erica.

Why is my guidance counselor
wearing shorts in my living room?

Please have a seat.

Last thing I'm gonna do is be
negative about Ponytail Johnson, but...

They sure will.

The guy's a total
tool bag, Erica.

See? I didn't say it. Your
best friend Lacey did.

- Lainey.
- Is this a frigging joke?

- His face is a joke.
- And his poetry is awful.

And the dude only
wears Rush shirts.

Yeah, it's like,
try a polo, bro.

Or a V-neck. I mean, what's
his deal? What's he hiding?

Shut up, JTP!

My love life is none
of your business.

And you! Why are you
even here? You're a teacher.

I'm here to guide you
away from dating Atkins.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
he's an adult man

living amongst the student
body as an undercover cop.

- Like 21 Jump Street?
- Mmm-hmm.

That makes sense to me.

You completely ambushed
me. I can't believe you.

Not me.

Your friends, your teacher,

and that excitable boy
who so clearly loves you.

Who is it? I'll fight him.

Well, I don't care
what any of you think.

In fact, if I'm getting rid
of anybody, it's you guys.

- Yeah, not buying it.
- Well, you better buy

because I choose Johnny
over all you ass-clowns.

- No, you don't.
- I love the guy.

You're stubborn and digging in.

We'll see who's
stubborn when I marry him

and don't invite any
of you to the wedding.

So, I was promised pizza.
Where are we on that?

Also, can we add some wings?

I just find that they
make any situation better.

Eating with your hands is fun.

Out.

Yep, my steadfast sister
was doubling down on love

while my brother wasn't sure
how much more love he could take.

Hey! Ad-Rock!

How about a thirst-quenching Ecto
Cooler for the birthday boy, huh?

I'm not taking Mom back.

What? No.

But now that you bring it up,

don't you think Mom would
be a killer party planner?

I got that covered.

Check this out.

The hell is this crap?

The single greatest party
in eighth grade history.

It's an overwhelming
feast for the senses,

and I have you to thank for it.

Please?

My stomach can't take anymore
of that chili meat and buttery milk.

You got to take Mom back.

Never! From this point on,

you're gonna be her
delicious snuggle monster,

and I'm gonna be left all alone.

Don't you dare say that!

And this isn't
just for this week.

This will stretch
months, years, decades,

until she moves in with you.

How can you be so cruel?

This is what you asked for, pal.

You brought Mom's
love on yourself.

I hope no one comes to your
ridiculous, awesome party!

I have that all in
my Trapper Keeper.

Barry was miserable being
the new number one son.

Meanwhile, Erica's band was
making my dad even more miserable.

This is crazy.

He's been playing the
drums for over an hour.

You've brought this
upon yourself, Mur.

It should have worked. I
didn't say a word to the girl.

Instead of telling her yourself,

you had everyone else
in her life gang up on her.

You took a love
forbidden by her father

and made it
forbidden by the world.

Oh, damn it. It sounds romantic.

Love ninja nunchucked
my life apart

Wow, that's really
good. You wrote that?

Yeah, and I never would have thought to
put a 10-minute drum solo in the middle.

I just Rush'd it up.

We're actually really good.

And, like, we're
actually pretty good, too.

Ah, boy, here we go.

Yo. It's gonna be one
of those. I told you.

Johnny Atkins doesn't
put labels on things.

The thing is, I kind
of went out on a limb

and told everyone that

even though they think
you're human trash,

I'll be with you forever,

so, yeah, kind of
locked into this.

You love me. I get it.

Johnny Atkins is a roller
coaster that only goes up.

Oh, God, no.

I mean, you've for sure
grown on me, but yuck.

So you're sayin' the
roller coaster goes down?

No, I definitely think we should
take things to the next level,

even though I'm
kind of like, meh.

This is rocking my world
and not in a good way.

Look on the bright side.

One day we'll get married
so I can prove a point,

and that's not nothing, fella.

Wait, what about practice?

Battle of the Bands
is this weekend.

For me, you're out.

Mostly 'cause what
you said sucked.

It was the day before
my birthday party,

and I was discovering that
planning it without my mom

was a lot harder than I thought.

I don't care if it'll get
the other kids sick.

I promised drinks with fog!

Why would a clown
need to see a picture of me

before he agrees to come?

You can't make me a camera cake?

You advertise specialty cakes!

Oh! You're a fraud!

This is a disaster, man!

You wanna talk disaster?

I've eaten so much power
chili my body has adapted.

It's starting to crave
it like water or air.

My party's tomorrow and
the vendors are impossible.

I'm a boy. I can't plan
the hugest party ever!

Mom could have done it easily.

Too bad she's
busy ruining my life.

I need her.

- Say it again! Say it!
- I take it back.

Adam needs you!

Focus on him and not me.

What? What's wrong?

He misses being your
little schmoopaloo.

I admit it. He's the best
son. Take him back.

Aw, you really miss your mama?

Okay, fine. I do.

I miss you getting me
everything I ever wanted

through fear, intimidation,
and remorseless perseverance.

That is the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Come to Mama.

But I still feel awful.

I just can't live with the idea

that you think I love
Adam more than you.

No, Adam's your
baby. Always will be.

And, man, I am more
than okay with that.

Okay, so party's tomorrow.
What exactly do you need?

- Everything.
- Everything?

Don't panic. Give
me a phone book.

Mama's got to see a
man about a mini horse.

As my mom set out to
save the party of the year,

my dad realized he
needed to save Erica

from throwing away
something she loved.

Can we talk?

Like, just you and me,

or is everyone who matters in
my life standing outside the door?

I messed up.

I wanted to be better

than all those other crazy
dads and protect you,

but I only made
things way worse.

It's just...

It's not easy seeing

my peanut all grown
up and dating guys.

Well, I guess we
both got carried away.

I mean, I was ready
to stay with some dude

just to prove you wrong.

And the worst part?

I'm really gonna miss
being in that cover band.

Just because you
broke up with the guy

doesn't mean you got
to break up with the band.

Battle of the Bands. Who's in?

Me. I'll literally do
whatever you want.

Not you.

I want to form a Rush
cover band, just the girls.

Dude, does it have to be Rush?

Answer after you listen.

Whoa.

A modern day warrior

Mean, mean stride

Today's Tom Sawyer

Mean, mean pride

I love you, Erica!

Okay, everybody!
Party faces right now!

And three, two, one!

Happy birthday!

And so began the most epic
middle-school party of all time.

Hell yeah!

The river

Stop! Stop! Stop!

What you say about his company

Is what you say about society

Catch the mist, catch the myth

Catch the mystery,
catch the drift

Cue the mini horse.

Mini horse!

In mini sneakers!

The world is, the world is

Love and life are deep

Maybe as his skies are wide

Today's Tom Sawyer

He gets high on you

And the space he
invades He gets by on you

Awesome camera cake!

That fateful night, my sister
realized she didn't need a boy

to achieve her
rock 'n' roll dreams,

and I realized I may not
have been the best son,

but I definitely
had the best mom.

And obviously the
best dance moves.

Well, Adam hopes someday
to make real movies,

like his idol, Steven Spielberg.

And maybe someday this
will become a real one for you.

I'd like to thank everybody.

My family

and my friends

and everybody for
making this possible.

Thanks for being there
when I needed you.

What's up, Erica?

Wanna go out to my Jetta and
listen to a little Exit... Stage Left?

Rush? That's,
like, so last week.

We're into the Cure now.

Can you guys, like, clue
me in a little next time?

This horsehair
ponytail was expensive!

Whoa.

Are you me?

I've had way too
much fudge today.