The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 20 - Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone? - full transcript

Adam's conduct as gym class captain causes a rift with his nerdy friends. Beverly and Murray dash Erica's hopes of attending an out-of-state college when she leaves school.

ADULT ADAM: In the '80s, gym
class was not the politically correct,

supportive environment
we know today.

- To say the least, it was humiliating.

Using these
state-sanctioned calipers,

I will rank you by
weight and girth.

Let's grab that flab.

ADULT ADAM: And it wasn't just
our awkward bodies being judged.

It was also our athletic skill.

Or lack thereof.

A-ha! Didn't make
it to the wall in time.

Assume the position.

They don't call it
"butts up" for nothing.


How is this a sport?

But the greatest indignity of all,
the sadistic ritual of picking teams.


In a public shaming, the strong
were separated from the weak.

My friends and I were
always chosen last

for obvious reasons.

- I'll take Sirota.
- Sweet!

The kid picked third to last
was known as the "I don't know."

I don't know. Dave Kim.

Yes! I'm not the worst!

Second to last,
was the "I guess."

- Goldberg, I guess.
- A fine choice.

The only thing worse than
being picked last were the games,

where the athletic ruled

and the scrubs desperately
wished to go under the radar.

Don't pass to me! Don't
pass to me! Don't pass to me!



Goldberg, you're the worst.

I welcome the feedback.

- But luckily, for kids like me,

there was another world
where we were champions...

Dungeons & Dragons.

Long before Xbox, there
was a role-playing game

with 20-sided dice
and a dungeon master

who led you on adventures using
books filled with monsters and treasure.

The fire newt is coming for
you, Gribald the Unreasonable.

- I use my potion of fire resistance.

- It works.
- Yes!

Oh, no. Not this game.

I heard all about
it on 60 Minutes.

A stuffy southern reverend said
it's the gateway to black magic.

Don't worry, guys. I got this.

Okay, Mama, I won't play the
thing that makes my heart happy.

bewitched me, you little devil.


Look away. I'm
doing this for us.

BEVERLY: Dungeons and
snuggles! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

I'm a little devil,
and I like kisses.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was April 6, 1980-something
and my sister's plan for her future

was about to rock our
mother to her very core.

Mom, insanely great news.

I'm gonna do what you want
and stay in state for college.

In state? That's where I live.

- Yes. Good. CMU it is.

Where in Philadelphia is CMU?

Um, Carnegie Mellon's
only like a little bit west.

How far west?

- (MUMBLES) Pittsburgh.
- Pittsburgh? No, too far.

You're the worst
daughter in the world.

Come on, Mom. It's a great school
with an amazing music program.

No, you're gonna go to
JFA right here in town.

We discussed this. I am not going
to the Jenkintown Funk Academy.

Oh, so now you're too
good for the funk. Huh.

Yes, the funk is in a mini-mall

between a dry cleaner
and a balloon shop.

- Come on, Mom.

Even Mr. Glascott said
CMU is perfect for me.

At least hear him out.

And then undermine
and overpower him.

Okay, sure thing.
Set that meeting.

Dad, you need to come with
us. Mom is in full sabotage mode.

This is my dream.

And it's my dream to have one
less moron living in this house.

- I'll help you.
- Aw.

I'll go, too. College
is a nonstop party.

You never even
went to college, Al.

Yes, but I just
watched Back to School

with Rodney Dangerfield.

It's about this
delightful old scamp

who goes back to
school, and it's hilarious,

'cause let's face it, a guy that
old doesn't go back to school.

But he does!

He goes back to
school, but good.

- Are you done?
- I don't have to be.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica and my dad
were struggling to get my mom on board,

my friends were fighting their
way through enemy territory.

As you climb out of the pit, a
band of marauding orcs awaits you.

Mondragor, your move.

Earth to Mondragor.

Sorry, guys. I can't stop
thinking about gym class.

We've been picked
last for years.

- It's bullcrap.
- Relax, dude.

The athletes rule now,
but once we hit high school,

our brains and
elegance will be valued.

- Really?
- For sure.

Until then, back
to the orc attack.

More like dork attack! Nice.

- Oh, God.
- Face the facts...

Uncool and the Gang,
you guys are doomed.

When did you even sit down?

My point is, you guys
got to figure out a way

to not get picked last
before you're in high school.

Otherwise, you'll never
date, you'll never love,

you'll never have joy.


What if your mean-spirited
brother's right?

I can't be bottom of the
social chain in high school.

And just because I'm the
coolest one in our group,

doesn't mean anything
in the outside world.

Okay, that settles it.

We're gonna break
the cycle of dorkdom.

- But how?
- I'll tell you how!

Tomorrow, I shall
storm Mellor's office

and demand an end
to our oppression!

ALL: Huzzah!

- No!
- Come on, please.

Picking teams has been the same
since the dawn of physical education.

The awesome jocks choose kids in
descending order of athletic ability.

What is the problem?

The problem is
the rest of us suffer.

Turns out, gym
class will determine

how society views us
for the rest of our lives.

- People really think that?
- Of course.

Don't you realize gym is the
most important class there is?

Well, I know that. It's just,

when the English department
doesn't invite you out for bowling night,

it really gets in your head.

You hold the power, Coach.

Whatever you choose here today

could change the
course of our whole lives.


Let's do it.

Tomorrow, you'll
be the team captain,

and you can choose
all your nerd friends first.

Sounds great, except for the
part where you called us nerds.

Losers it is, then!

Tomorrow, the hierarchy of
the physical education world

will be turned upside down.

Let all you dregs, dip-wads,
and dweebs, rejoice!

won over Coach Mellor,

but my mom was hoping to
sway Mr. Glascott to her team.

Have to admit, I love it when
an entire family comes together

to discuss a young
lady's journey to college.

So any first thoughts?

Yes, uh, (BLEEP) that (BLEEP).

Okay, hot out of the gate.

So you came to
voice some concerns.

I hope you're here to
keep this conversation civil.

- I'll do what I can.
- Gotcha.

Uh, I'm still not sure what the
gentleman in the corner is doing here.

I'm considering going
back to school myself.

Ignore him. He saw a movie.

Can we talk about CMU now?

Look, I know it's scary sending
your baby out into the world,

but this college can turn
your little girl into a leader.

ADULT ADAM: And in that moment,
my mom saw more than just a brochure.

She saw the chance to make
all of Erica's dreams come true.

It, uh, does look a bit nicer
than the Funk Academy.

While my dad saw the reality
of a world without his princess.

Who are these guys?

Who are these guys?

Who are those guys?

And Pops just felt ripped off.

I don't see any hot
tubs in the dorms.

Are there hot tubs in the dorms?

Look! You can study
abroad. I could go to Paris!

I've always wanted
to go to Paris.

Wait a minute. Now she's
going to a whole other country?


I didn't realize
how wrong I'd been.

I want this for you,
sweetie, all of it.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Let's go sign up for a tour.

Well, looks like my
work here is over.

It is over,

'cause there's no way I'm letting
my pumpkin go to this hellhole.

But look at the
girl in the pamphlet.

She's smiling under a tree
with the boy in the wheelchair.

Aw, look at him,
he's holding a book.

MURRAY: Okay, compromise.

The moron boys
can get the hell out,

but my little peanut, she's
going to school in Philadelphia.

I get it. I got a bird.
She's my princess.

If she flew away, I don't
know what I would do.

Wait, where are you going?

What's with the getup?

Is there, like, a sports
musical you're starring in?

Little production
called gym class,

and Coach Mellor's letting
me be the leading man.

He made you captain?

This is a game changer.

- You got to pick smart.
- For sure.

First my boy Sirota,
then Dave Kim, Tiny Tyler,

Lanky Hank, and the
foreign exchange kid

who knows nothing
of our customs.

No! This is the only time
you'll ever be captain.

You can't pick the wienies.

You got to pick the
winners, earn their respect.

This is a defining
moment for you, bro.

made a convincing argument,

but there was no way I'd pick
the athletes over my best friends...

I'll take Corbett, Big Luke
Schmidt, Spink, and Taz Money.

But I found a way.

Dude, what the hell
did you just do to us?

Don't worry.

Good news is, I'm
climbing the social ladder

by stepping on you guys.

It'll take a while,

and I'll have to be
mean to you at first.


But one day, we'll all be cool.

- Me first, though.
- I don't like your plan at all.

Oh, please, Dave Kim,
you'd do the exact same thing.

No way.

My allegiance would
always be to my friends

and Sergei the exchange student.

- Ja!
- This betrayal will not stand.

Much like Revenge of the Nerds,

we will dig deep and use our
brains to defeat you once and for all.

- ALL: Yeah!
- Yeah!

ADULT ADAM: But there
would be no revenge.

Basketball is my favorite sport

I like the way they dribble
up and down the floor


Just like I was a king
on the microphone

So was Dr. J and Moses Malone

I like slam dunks and
taking it to the hoop

My favorite play
still is the alley-oop

I like the pick-and-roll
I like the give-and-go

- Nice assist, Goldie.


All you, Taz Money.

Yes. Well done,
Adam the Betrayer.

Come on, Dave Kim.
I'll make it up to you.

- Switch teams.
- That's a no.

After picking the best players, I
was finally crushing at gym class.

Also crushed
my friends' spirits.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Enough! This game
has made a mockery of physical education.

Now, I'm not gonna name names,
but there's a young man in here

with big ideas and
small conviction.

Adam. Is Adam.

That's right, foreign kid.

Coach was sold a bill of goods
on how to make this class fair,

and he will deliver
on that promise.

So, next class, we'll
have the same teams,

but, Dave Kim,
you pick the game.

It can be anything you want.

Chess, word puzzles,
something with a calculator.

All right, then. I choose
Dungeons & Dragons.


- "The Ghost Tower of Inverness."

What's happening? Why
is half the class gasping?

- Tournament module.

What he said, then. Okay.

Then... And the winners get
free pizza and losers run laps.

I'm gonna eat so much pepperoni.

One slice per kid.

ADULT ADAM: After deciding
Carnegie Mellon was too far for Erica,

my dad had an idea for
a different college choice.

One a lot closer to home.

What the hell, Murray?

I know you're exploring your
many options for next year,

but the way I see
it, there's just one.

- Yeah, CMU.
- Goldberg U.

Why go to college
hundreds of miles away

when you can enjoy the
comforts of campus life

right here at home?

ADULT ADAM: And so began
the worst college tour of all time.

The school cafeteria.

It did not start out strong...

Shrimp parm three times a week.

And then it got worse...

Our state-of-the-art dorm room.

Much worse...

And don't forget our school
mascot, the mighty Cockapoo.

And finally downright stupid.

Here's our student lounge.

Oh, look! One of our esteemed
faculty has stopped by.

I can't get over it.

He throws a party in his dorm room
after specifically being told not to.

We can't fire him.
He's got tenure.

But the point is, you
are going to Goldberg U.

Wait, so you spent
your whole life

saying you wanted your
kids out of the house.

- And now you want me to stay forever?
- Yes.

Well, I didn't apply, and
also, this isn't a school.

Murray, I'm usually
the irrational one

who keeps our children from
enjoying their lives, not you.

All right, look at this movie.

That's what college is.

Do you want Erica
to end up in a hot tub

with an elderly businessman?

Okay, you're kind of taking

some of the tickle out
of the movie for me.

Our daughter deserves
a first-class education.

She needs to experience life.

She can experience it
here where she's safe

and we can protect her.

End of words!

Good. Now I can finally
hear Back to School.

What is it with you
and this movie?

He's living the dream.

I mean, what parent wouldn't want
to go back to school with his kid?

But a parent
can't really do that.

- But he does.
- He does?

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
was putting together a plan,

I was planning a D&D victory.

Okay, it's been two hours,

and there's been a lot of wrestling
and confusion on why D&D is a thing,

but here we are,
so let's just continue.

Zinethar the priest, your move.

My move is, I change
my name to Dick Biggens.


- You can't change your name.
- Yeah!

I meant you're facing a
deadly, gelatinous cube.

- How do you evade it?
- Evade it?

- Let's kick that JELL-O's ass.
- BOTH: Yeah.

It's a gelatinous cube.

If you attack it, it'll slurp
you up and digest you alive.

- Sweet! Look at that busty hot chick.

That's not a chick. It's a
Dryad, a deadly tree sprite.

- Can my guy make out with her?
- I want to make out with her, too.

- What do I got to roll?
- Fine.

A Dryad suddenly appears. If
you roll a 20, you can kiss her.

If not, we move on.


- Oh!
- Oh!

Yeah! Yeah!

I take her back to my
apartment, and we do stuff.

BOYS: Ooh!

There's no apartment.

If you won't let me get
busy with the tree lady,

then I stab the
JELL-O man in his face.

And you're paralyzed
and slowly eaten alive.

- End of game.
- I've heard enough.

Time for Barry to fix this.

- Where did he come from?
- He does that.

Just go away. This is hopeless.

That's where you're
wrong. The only problem is,

you guys don't speak
the same language.

You speak lazy-eyed nerd,

and, like me, you speak
awesome, all-star athlete.

Tater T?

- Score.
- Yeah, man.

- I like this, bro.
- Of course, you do.

Even though I'm ripped like you,

my body has also been infected
by my brother's crippling geekery.

I tried to fight it,
but it's too powerful.

And it's led to this.


Dude, you created
a D&D character?

BARRY: Lord Big of Tasty.

I wanted one ready in
case you asked me to play,

but you never did.

I just assumed you didn't care.

Point is, if this crazy-jacked
bro can learn how to play D&D,

other super-shredded
bros can, too.

I mean, sure, we're shredded,
but we suck at this game.

Adam keeps yelling at
us and hurting our feelings.

That's because you
used a lightning-bolt spell

in an underwater melee
like a bunch of scrubs.

We're trying our best. We're
just not good at it like you.

Do you have any idea how
it feels to... To suck so bad?

Actually, I do

when I play basketball.

I... I didn't know that.

Yeah, man. Sorry.

All right. Lord Big of
Tasty, teach us how to win.

I shall. But first...

Coming off the top rope!

ALL: Oh!

- Hey, boopie.
- Go away.

Look, I wanted to
apologize for your dad.

Some people just
don't understand

the boundary between
parent and child.

Are you high on nail polish?

I never went to college.

This whole thing has made me
realize everything I missed out on,

and at the end of the day,

I couldn't bear it if you
missed out on those things, too.

- Really?
- Trust me...

College is gonna be amazing.

We are gonna have so much fun.

Oh, my God. Thank you so...

- Wait. "We"?
- Yes. Crazy story.

I was watching this
movie with Pops, and...

Please don't say Back to School.

It was Back to School, and I
realized that could be us. Hmm?

No! Dad!

Wherever you are sitting
or eating in this house,

come to my room
immediately. It's an emergency.

I was both sitting and eating,
so this better be worth it.

I'm going to Carnegie
Mellon with Erica.

- No.
- We're gonna be roommates.

- No!
- We're gonna sneak in a hot plate

to cook ramen soup.

- Never!
- And then we're gonna rush

- the same sorority.
- This is a nightmare.

And I'll be her
mother and her sister.

- Kill me.
- She's right, Beverly.

- You're acting nuts.
- Yes. Thank you.

Because she's obviously
not going away at all.

Erica's staying here
and being my little peanut.

What is wrong with you people?

Seriously, I get no
respect! No respect.

That's exactly what
Rodney Dangerzone says.

See? We are on the same team.

No, we're not.

If either of you
were on my team,

you would actually hear
my hopes and dreams

and not try to take them
away or make them about you.

So just forget all of it.

I won't go to college at all.


I guess we both really
blew it here, huh?

Mostly you.

ADULT ADAM: As my parents
were facing off against Erica,

our school gym was about to
witness the face-off of a lifetime.

Looks like Goldberg and his merry
band of meatheads are a no show.

Congrats, boys.

You just earned
yourself a cheese pizza.

I have been in real dungeon.

We're Playing D&D

ADULT ADAM: But we did
show, ready to roll... Some dice.

Dungeons & Dragons, anyone?

Whatever. By the end of this
game, you guys aren't gonna know

what end of the Staff of
the Magi you're holding.

Well, if you're
casting confusion,

the Staff of the Magi
gives the user a plus-two

on saves versus magic,
so, uh, good luck with that.

(GASPS) They've
learned our ways.

Enough talk. Let the battle

D&D is my favorite game

I like the way you battle
But you use your brain

Just like I'm the king
of the bolt and sword

ALL: Yeah!

Fighting ogres and orcs
and the monster hoard

I roll the dice and
then I lead my crew

- Dude!
- Oh!

No dungeon master
can scare my crew...

I cast cure light wounds.

I draw my Staff of Striking.

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!

Thank you, Cloak
of Displacement.

Corbett, you're dead.

Taz Money, the basilisk
turns you to stone.


Sirota, you're out.

Come on, DM. What
kind of call is that?

ADULT ADAM: That day, the
most amazing thing happened.

It was no longer
jocks versus scrubs.

We were a class
united in one belief...

- D&D was awesome.
- ALL: Yeah!

It was the greatest game
ever played in any gym class,

and we loved it.

Except for Coach Mellor, who
didn't realize it would last four hours.

It's 6:30 p.m. I just
want my life back.

In the end, two were left standing,
me and the friend I betrayed.

Our D&D game was ending,
and with one last move,

I would become a gym-class hero.

All right, Goldfarb, as
you reach the soul gem,

you find a gelatinous cube
slowly oozing towards you.

- Take the gem.
- Finish it up, Goldberg.

- Easy layup.
- Go ahead, betrayer.

- End it.
- Don't act like that.

Me and my boys won
this fair and square.

It's not about winning, man.

D&D was the one thing
we were good at, and now...

You took that away, too.

Take the gem and win
the game already. Please.

I raise my sword...

And toss it aside

and swan dive directly
into the gelatinous cube.

- Adam, no!

What? Are you crazy?

Everybody, shut up.

You do realize you'll die if
you touch the JELL-O thing.

- I touch the JELL-O.
- No!

- Stop!
- I touch the JELL-O!

(YELLING) I touch the JELL-O!

And you're dead.
Dave Kim's team wins.

Somebody clean this up.


- Good game.
- DAVE KIM: I don't get it.

You finally had their
respect. Why give it up?

I guess it's not
their respect, I want.

that day, I fell on my sword

to save something
much more important,

and my parents realized

letting go was more
important than holding on.

Hey, squishy. Can we talk?

Oh, God, I'm gonna
cry. Murray, you talk.

(SIGHS) Rough start.

Look, you know how I
sometimes say to you kids

that I want you
out of the house?

Only three to five times a day.

Yeah, well, the reason is it
always seemed so far away.

Then I blinked and
here we are, and...

I guess I just
wasn't ready for it.

And don't worry. I won't
go to college with you.

- Unless you want me to.
- Never.

You'll sleep on it.

ADULT ADAM: That day, my
parents started to let their peanut go,

and me and my new
friends realized it didn't matter

if you're picked first or last
'cause we're all on the same team.

Should've cast a reverse
gravity spell, Holmes.

- That's pretty impressive.
- Thanks.


BARRY: What?

You got psionic powers and
you're attacking with a dagger?

What a dork.

Barry, this is the third
time you've walked by.

Do you, like, want to join us?


Let's do this, boys.

ADULT ADAM: That's the
thing about the adventure of life,

it doesn't matter
if you win or lose,

it's who you have
along for the ride.


Stop! I don't want you
filming me, all right?

- Stop!

Lord Big of Tasty, in the
clearing, you encounter a she-wolf.

Fight or flee?

I do a few push-ups to get
pumped up, and I ask her out.

- For sure.
- Yeah, boy.

Boom! (LAUGHS)

But then, suddenly, her
smoking-hot twin sister's also there,

and she's like, "Hey,
why don't we all party?"

And then we hop into the
wolf hot tub that's also there.

There's no wolf hot tub!

Come on, DM.

Fine. If you roll a 20, it's
the best night of your life.


One. Damn it!

The she-wolves eat you.

Anyone want to play Monopoly?