The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - A Chorus Lie - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the
day, I was a ridiculously cute kid.

Yes. I am literally
the coolest man alive.

ADULT ADAM: I'm not
bragging. It's just pure fact.

My God, you're so cute.

I just want to scrumple
you up and eat you whole.

ADULT ADAM: But of course,
no one stays a kid forever.

Yeah.

You sure about this?

People are gonna know
I'm covering up a zit.

Don't worry, pal.

I'll just tell everyone in
school I pummeled your face.



- You're a good brother.
- The best.

Here, you got a giant one
forming on your forehead, too.

ADULT ADAM: Maybe
I could hide the pimples,

but the rest was hard to mask.

Let's go! Hustle!

This is called scooter ball,

not "sit in the corner
and talk to Kevin" ball.

ADULT ADAM: I
began to smell different.

Whoa, Goldfarb!

Wheel it in.

Time for a private huddle.

I'm gonna put this delicately, kid.
You smell like a gym sock's butt.

Uh, thanks.

- You smell like a garlic diaper.
- Thanks?



You smell like egg
salad left in a humidifier.

- Thanks.
- I assume you don't notice

since you live
with that stink 24/7.

Oh, no, I smell it.

There's half a Speed
Stick in my desk.

It's yours now.
Be liberal with it.

Coach is on your team here.

That's why I pulled you
aside to avoid embarrassment.

I guess I wish you would
have pulled me aside

just a little farther.

ADULT ADAM: I was eating like
an animal and suddenly seeing

every woman I came
across in a new light.

You seen my TV Guide with
Sally Jessy Raphael on the cover?

Mmm-mmm, nope.

Huh.

ADULT ADAM: Every woman.

Man, oh, man.

Those looks and emotional
intelligence to boot? Whoa.

ADULT ADAM: But worst of all, it
affected my favorite activity in the world,

the annual school musical.

Welcome, Mr. Goldberg.

I have a feeling that
this might be the year

that you finally break
out of the chorus.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) I'm
watching sis go pitter pat

Said, I can do
that I can do that

ADULT ADAM: Turns
out, I could not do that.

(SIGHS) Well, you, um,
really sang it. You sang it.

I know in past years I was upset
when you put me in the chorus.

But I'm thinking this
year, it feels right.

Done. You're in the chorus.

Oh, thank God.

Chorus line, which is a lead.

But I'm in the chorus.

- Line.
- Oh, thank God.

Which means you have a big solo.

- But I'm in the chorus.
- Line.

But did you not hear
the sounds I just made?

Adam, every boy your
age sounds like you.

And, honestly, I don't have
that much to work with here,

so I might as well
just give the leads

to the most enthusiastic kids.

- Balls.
- Yeah, balls.

Okay, uh, let's take it from
the top. Sing it with me.

BOTH: (SINGING) I'm
watching sis go pitter pat

Try to stay in the key.

I'm watching sis go pitter pat

You're kind of all
over the map. Okay.

I'm watching sis go pitter pat

I can do that

You know, it's mostly a dance show,
and you bring a lot of dance energy.

You'll get it. Balls.

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
September 30, 1980-something,

and my brother and
his idiot posse, the JTP,

were gearing up for
the homecoming dance.

What's happening? What is this?

Homecoming's in four days,
so it's time to give my boys

a crash-course lesson on
how to groove like Milli Vanilli.

We all kind of told our dates that we
could dance, so thank God for Barry.

No. Thank God for
Milli. Vanilli, not so much.

Wait, wait. You
choose Milli over Vanilli?

He's got the body and the moves.

Uh, if he's so great, then
why isn't it Vanilli Milli?

Milli proceeds
Vanilli, so suck it.

- You suck it.
- You suck it.

Wow. Even you three boneheads
found a date to the dance.

Kind of makes you think, huh?
Like maybe you need a date for once?

- What are you talking about? I date.
- BARRY: No.

You third-wheel me and Lainey.

Look, the only reason
why I haven't been on a date

is because there's no one
at our school worth dating.

Well, if you want to go
to homecoming with me,

I'll totally drop my foxy lady.

Your foxy lady is your cousin.

Second-cousin. Totally
different blood line.

Probably not gonna do stuff, though.
She looks just like me with a perm.

Erica, you know I love you,

but you're kind of closed
off and way too picky.

I mean, stay away
from Geoff, obviously,

but you got to give
someone a chance.

How is it my fault that every guy in
our school is an unbearable moron?

That's another thing. You've got
to stop calling everyone a moron.

Morons. You're being too loud.

Find another house to stupid up.

Oh, my God.
You're just like dad.

Way to go, Mur-man.

Years of calling everyone
on the planet a moron

has poisoned your
daughter's love life

and left her cold and alone.

So you're telling me
that I've raised a daughter

who doesn't want to date
dumbass high school boys?

I think I've done my job.

Come on. Let us
help you find someone.

Go on. Describe
your perfect guy.

Well, he'd be a mysterious
handsome outsider

with a trench
coat, a sexy voice,

and a thriving acting career where
he plays the thinking girl's heartthrob.

Dude, you're just
describing Christian Slater.

- Seriously? You're a lost cause.
- Well, you asked.

Look, if a guy like Christian
Slater walks through that door,

I promise you I will go
with him to homecoming.

Christian Slater, huh?

You want the coolest guy
in the world? You got him.

What's that?

Nothing, I just farted? I...

I farted.

I far... I got to go.

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff was
hatching a plan, I was out of options.

(GASPS) There's
my tiny snuggle angel.

Stop it. I'm not tiny
or snuggly or angel-y.

Tough day at the office, kiddo?

The worst. I got the
lead in the musical.

Schmoo, that's fantastic.
That's all you've ever wanted.

Not anymore.

My face is breaking
out, my pits are stinking,

and my voice is very,
very unpredictable.

I finally get the part of a lifetime,
and I'm gonna just humiliate myself.

Ah, yes, the wondrous
journey through puberty.

It's not wondrous. It's awful.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

Oh, no.

It's my duty to help
you out, baby bro.

Only Big Tasty can guide you
through what many call the pubening.

No one calls it that.

First, stop washing your face.

You'll go through a very
shiny, greasy couple of months.

But eventually, your natural
oils reach a healthy balance.

- Why does he do this?
- I don't know.

Second, always shave
dry and against the grain,

attacking the follicles in
a jerky, zig-zag pattern.

And third, never use deodorant.

That's just something
that big corporations

made up to take your money.

Simply apply a healthy
layer of Vaseline to the armpit

and let it seal in the stink.

- He's still going.
- He means well.

Think of me as a resource.

I'm here for you, bro.

Thank you, Boopie. So helpful.

Forget everything
you just heard.

If anyone understands what
you're going through, it's Mama.

No offense, Mom, but you have
no idea how hard this is for me.

Please, I've watched two children go
through the pubening. (CHUCKLES)

Heck, I even went through it
myself at the tender age of nine.

It wasn't ideal.

They used to call me Booberly.

But this is just something all of us
had to suffer through on our own.

Now you will, too.

Or completely skip over.

Hmm?

With my guidance, I'll
take this horrible time

and make it smooth, easy,
and maybe a little bit fun.

Are you actually saying you
could save me from puberty?

No. She can't.

Yes, that is exactly
what I'm saying.

At this point, I
got nothing to lose.

Show me what you got, lady.

ADULT ADAM: While I
put my faith in my mother,

Geoff Schwartz put
his in Christian Slater.

Greetings and salutations.

Lovely home you got here.

What's going on? Why are
you talking like a jackass?

Erica said she wanted a
Christian Slater, so here I am.

I know it's a long shot, but I just
think your daughter's amazing.

And if you approve, I'd love
to take her to homecoming.

Erica! You've got
a gentleman suitor.

You're one of the
good ones, Mr. G.

ERICA: A gentleman what?

Greetings and salutations.

I was just skateboarding by,
gleaming the cube and whatnot.

Thought we could
go grab a slushie.

Oh, my God, are you
trying to impress me

by acting like Christian Slater?

- Is it working?
- No.

And your clip-on
earring just popped off.

Okay, look, I just... I
think you're great, okay?

I have since, like,
second grade.

Now, I know I made
promises to my cousin,

but maybe we could go
to homecoming together?

Oh, Geoff, this was sweet,

but I have a pretty
firm no moron policy.

- Question, am I in that category?
- For sure.

Uh, so, um, okay, so I'll
put you down for a maybe.

God, what a putz. Am I right?

ADULT ADAM: At that moment,
my dad realized that perhaps

his judgmental nature may
have rubbed off on his daughter.

And he decided to
do something about it.

Wow, who knew so many
interesting and attractive young men

went to this school?

They're okay, I guess.

Yeah, lots of fellas who look like
they'd be worth getting to know.

I should put myself
out there more.

Oh, look at that one with the
stylish scarf and the sketchbook.

- A poet and an artist, I bet.
- That's Dan. (CHUCKLES)

He's shy, but I think I
could crack open that nut.

Hey, how about that hot shot?

Is he a swimmer? He's
built like a swimmer.

Look at those shoulders.
He swims, for sure.

Will you shut up? I'm
not even talking to you.

Well, I certainly hope
you're not talking to me.

Hey, take it from someone
who doesn't like people.

If you close yourself off,
you're gonna miss out on a lot.

So my dad wants me to date more?

It's homecoming.

There's got to be a nice guy
somewhere who deserves a chance.

You're right.

I'm gonna go ask Dan
to sit with me at lunch,

see what makes that guy tick.

- (GROANS)
- Thanks, Dad.

Yes, this is amazing.

Your dad actually provided
you with real wisdom for once.

Chill, I didn't say I
was going to the dance.

I just said I would consider
it if an idiot asked me.

Got it. We'll play it cool and
casually spread the word.

Attention, entire school!

This is Erica Goldberg,

and she will go to homecoming
with anyone willing to ask.

Barry, sit your ass
down right now.

Uh, to clarify, she's
not a desperate loser.

She's just super closed-off, and
the door's open a crack. (CHUCKLES)

Which reminds me, Dan,
we're hanging out after school.

I have a dentist
appointment, bro.

Cancel it. We're
building something here.

Get down.

Subtle. Thank you.

Good news is now we
can just sit back and wait.

Well, don't hold your
breath. (SCOFFS)

(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)

'Sup?

- Hi.
- I'm Johnny Atkins.

Heard you needed a
date to homecoming.

Sure, I guess.

You ever been out with a first
chair in the school band before?

No.

Well, it's everything
you ever imagined.

I'll phone you, saxophone you.

We're gonna have fun.

(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)

Dude's confident,
I'll give him that.

You've got a date to the dance.

Everybody's happy,
and it all worked out.

What did I miss?

We met a first chair
in the school band.

ADULT ADAM: While
Erica landed a date,

I landed a seat at the
Gimbels makeup counter.

What kind of sorcery is this?

My giant zits are gone.

Mama made you a promise.

Now your adorable punim
is ready to light up that stage.

ADULT ADAM: Just one problem, my
singing voice. My mom couldn't fix that.

That is, until some news
broke that shook the country.

They've become
international stars.

But behind the braids
and break-dancing,

it's been discovered
that Milli Vanilli

neither sang on their
albums nor at their concerts.

That's unreal. They
fooled everyone.

Yes, they really did.

And maybe you can
fool everyone, too.

What are you talking about?

Say that again only
just mouth the words.

(MOUTHING) What
are you talking about?

Did that look as
good as it felt?

Better. (GASPS)

Problem solved, love bug.

We're gonna Milli Vanilli the
(BLEEP) out of that musical.

ADULT ADAM: My dad suggested
that Erica take a chance on someone.

Unfortunately, that
someone was this dude.

Yo. Is Erica here?

Yo. She's upstairs. Who are you?

Johnny Atkins. Yeah.

- That Johnny Atkins.
- I'm her dad.

- Yeah, that dad.
- Mind if I just head up?

Actually, I do.

Zang. Atkins likes.

All right, can I talk to you in the
other room away from this person?

Sure. Oh.

Who the hell is that?

It's my date to the
dance on Saturday.

- He wanted to hang.
- That kid's your date? He's a moron.

Well, you're the guy who told
me to give the morons a chance.

- But I meant other morons.
- What other morons?

Nice morons. Morons
like that Geoff kid.

Schwartz? He's a moron.

They're all morons!
That's what I'm saying.

But any other moron is
better than that moron.

This is ridiculous.

I took your advice, but you don't
get to actually choose who I date.

ADULT ADAM: My
dad's plans for Erica

- may have fallen apart.
- (SIGHS)

But my mom's plan
for me only needed

to get past one
person for it to succeed.

Susan, I really appreciate you

agreeing to see me
on such short notice.

Technically, I didn't agree.

You just barged in
during third period

and yelled "Class dismissed."

Point is, I understand
you're putting together

a cast for this year's musical,
and it's presented some challenges.

It's a real suck show.

Uh, you're gonna be great.

I won't be, but
that's sweet to say.

Well, what if I had a way
to solve your problems,

a way to make this
your biggest hit yet?

Mrs. Goldberg, we have
been through this in the past.

You can't be in the musical.

No, no, I've come
to accept that.

I'm talking about a
different approach entirely.

Have you heard of
this Milli Vanilli scandal?

Big fan. It hit me hard.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But what if someone
could do the same thing

only without making the
same sloppy mistakes?

Are you actually suggesting that
Adam lip-sync his songs in the show?

God, I guess
hearing it out loud,

it really does sound
insane, even for me.

Screw it. I'm in.

- Really?
- I'll get all the kids to do it.

I mean, what choice do I have?

None. Yay.

- Yay.
- Yay!

- Mouth it. Yay.
- (MOUTHS)

- (SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Johnny.

Yo, looking forward
to Saturday night.

Me, too.

So I'll pick up Carla first, be at
your place around 7:00, cool?

Cool. (CHUCKLES)

Wait, what?

Yeah, I'm also giving
her a ride to the dance.

And she can hang out
with us. And dance with us.

Are you taking both
of us to the dance?

Classic Johnny
Atkins, am I right?

How could you not
see this coming?

Because I have no
idea who you are,

other than an oddly
confident band geek.

Shows what you know.

Band geek in the front,
rock God in the back.

Are you seriously
okay with this?

No, but I really feel
like I can fix him.

But she can't. So
what do you say?

What do you think she
says? Hit the bricks, bro.

Dude, I will punch
you in the eyeball.

Erica, help me. He's serious.

You know what, Johnny?

That's a firm no to
your creepy offer.

Your loss.

Hey, Debbie Gordon, you
got a date to homecoming yet?

(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)

Oh, man, that was
so sweet of me, huh?

So if it's looking like you're
free Saturday night, then...

I'm not going to
the dance, Geoff.

Not with anybody.

(LIP-SYNCHING) I stuff
her shoes with extra socks

Run seven blocks

In nothing flat

And I can do that

I can do that

This is incredible. My
grandson's a superstar.

I'm watching sis go pitter pat

Said, I can do that

That, that, that

That, that, that
that, that, that

My God, he's repeating himself.

You can do what? What can
you do? Finish the thought.

Dad, he's fine. Just
working out some kinks.

Wait, so you actually
weren't doing anything?

"Not doing anything"?
Didn't you see this?

Bevy, you can't let him go through
with this cockamamie scheme.

Well, actually, it was my idea.

Oh, God. Why?

Pops, I can't go onstage and
completely embarrass myself.

Just do your best.

You're the same great
kid you always were.

Listen to me. Do I
sound like the same kid?

Do I look like the same kid?

No. I'm not him.

I'm whatever this is.

And if Mom can make it
better, I'm gonna let her.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

Don't give me that look.

As his mother, it is my
job to make this all better.

But you can't. All you're
doing is making it worse.

You're turning him
into someone he's not.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

I forgot my foundation,
rouge, and powder puff.

Good day to you, sir.

ADULT ADAM: The biggest night

of my middle-school
theater career had arrived,

and the only one more nervous
than me was my smother.

Okay, let's warm up.

I have the recording of
the New York city boys choir

doing scales, so
show me what you got.

(LIP-SYNCHING) Do,
re, mi fa, sol, la, ti, do

Very good, very
good. Move those lips.

No sounds.

ADULT ADAM: Watching us Milli Vanilli
our way through the warm-up scales,

my mom realized Pops was right.

Okay, Susan. We need to talk.

Sorry, show starts in five.

No, you can't do this. It's
wrong, and you know it.

What are you talking about?
This whole thing was all your idea.

Those people out there,
they want to see a chorus line,

not a chorus lie.

I'm so confused by
your moral high ground.

Again, this was all you.

Mom, it's fine.

This recording is gonna blow
the freaking roof off this place.

And so are you
with your own voices.

Yes, they are
creaking and cracking.

And, yes, your foreheads
are very shiny, all right?

And you take insanely long
showers, but it doesn't matter

because you're all just as
amazing as you always were.

I don't feel amazing.

You? What's your problem?

- Oh, you heard my voice.
- Who cares?

I got bacne, dude. Crazy bacne.

So? I sweat constantly
for no reason.

I'm sweating right now, and
it's like 50 degrees in here.

I've got a weird thing
for Sally Jessy Raphael.

See? None of you are alone.

You're all going through something
that everybody has to suffer through.

Come on. Who's with me?

Screw it.

Let's go out there and give them

the best worst musical
the school has ever seen.

ADULT ADAM: And so we sang it.

We really sang it.

And it wasn't pretty,
but it was definitely us.

(SINGING) Kiss today goodbye

The sweetness and the sorrow

ALL: Wish me luck

The same

To you

ADULT ADAM: Sure, growing up is
hard and awkward and embarrassing.

But if you're lucky, you
just mind find the courage

to sing your way through it.

What I did for love

Or have someone talk you
through it when you least expect it.

Hey, peanut.

I, uh heard about
the kid with the hair.

So you're not going
to the dance, huh?

Honestly, I hate dances.

And the nice thing
about being alone

is that there's no one here
bothering me, acting like a moron.

Oh, my God, Barry's right.

God, I'm just like you.

Sorry.

I get it.

- But there's hope.
- Why?

Well, things work
out. I met your mom.

She sees the best in
everybody, even a grump like me.

All I'm saying is just
give people a chance.

Don't be a moron.

ADULT ADAM: 'Cause
as hard as it is to grow up,

it's even harder to
go through it alone.

And when you open up
and put yourself out there,

you'll be surprised
where it leads.

- Erica, hi.
- Greetings and salutations.

You busy?

Uh, not really. I was just
waiting for my cousin to call back.

I thought maybe we could
still make the end of the dance.

Well, I was thinking maybe
we could hang out instead.

- No way.
- As friends.

Yeah, no. Let's
not put a label on it.

Let's... Mmm-hmm.

So, what do you say
we go grab a slushie?

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm, check this out.
Gleaming the cube.

- What does that even mean?
- No one knows.

- (GRUNTS)
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God, Geoff, are you okay?

No, not a new one.
It's photo day at school.

You came to the right place.

No, get out. I don't want
any of your terrible advice.

Dude, I'm a pimple pro.

You got to pop that
thing immediately.

Everyone says not to pop it.

Look at this flawless skin.

It's like baby Italian marble.

Would you rather have a
pizza face or a Barry face?

Fine. I'll just pop the thing.

Oh, I got to get this on film.

Come on. Let's get
a close-up of that zit.

Hey, why are you covering
it? Don't feel so embarrassed.

Let me see that zit.
Come on. For memories.

BARRY: Let's get
a close-up of that zit

He's covering his mouth 'cause he
doesn't want anyone to see his zit.

(LAUGHS)