The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Magic Is Real - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Nothing feels
more magical than first love.

As a kid, you fall so
hard and feel so much,

it makes the first breakup
that much more painful.

It had been months
since Dana and I split,

and I decided it
was time to move on.

Thankfully, my big
bro was there to help.

Dude, what are you doing?

Feathering my hair like
famed lady killer Robert Lowe.

No. Watch and learn.

Now that's what the ladies like.

It looks super wet but
somehow it's dry and crispy.



ADULT ADAM: Even though I decided
against the flammable helmet head,

I was starting to feel like
I was back on my game.

And what do you know,
girls were checking me out.

A lot! Like, too much.

Almost as if they weren't even
looking at me... Ah, damn it!

Stupid Handsome Ben.

Can you walk somewhere else?

Sure thing, pal.

ADULT ADAM: Finding a
new Dana was gonna be tough,

so I turned to my
sister's poster gallery

of beloved '80s
heartthrobs for inspiration.

Such kind eyes.
Is that the trick?

ADULT ADAM: And
then reality hit me.

What are you doing to my Donnie?



These bros get all the girls.

Now that Dana and I broke up,

I've got to learn their secrets.

Well, for starters, they
don't have wonky voices,

and they don't cry
at The Muppet Movie.

If Rainbow Connection
doesn't move you to tears,

then you're not alive.

What happened?

(STUTTERS) It's like
I'm totally invisible to girls.

At this rate, I'll never
get another Dana.

Dude, getting girls is easy.

You don't know
anything about girls.

All you need is a hook.

Something that
makes you stand out.

Yeah? And what's your hook?

Turtlenecks.

Sexy and comfortable.

Still upset about Dana, huh?

Lucky for you, I actually know
a girl who's super into you.

- Really?
- Mom, Adam's feeling unloved!

Wait, what?

Is my baby sad?

Well, look out, 'cause the
cuddle coyote is stalking you!

- Why?
- Stay out of my room.

BEVERLY: I'm coming
for snuggies. (SNORTING)

(BEVERLY GRUNTING)

(HOWLS)

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
March 23rd, 1980-something,

and Barry was
planning for his future

by watching the ambassador
of the wealthy, Robin Leach.

Hey.

Robin Leach was about to
explain why I need a wine butler.

Too bad. You're supposed
to be studying for the PSAT!

And I finished.

I did every practice
exam in the whole book.

Oh, is that right? Explain this.

The correct answers just
happened to form the Van Halen logo.

- BEVERLY: And a dog.
- Woof.

BEVERLY: A peace sign.

- BEVERLY: Pac-Man.
- I love that game.

BEVERLY: And some
hideous googly-eyed monster.

Well, that's actually you.

Well, I'm putting this on the
fridge, but I'm still enraged.

Let's just nip this
conversation in the butt.

Tests just aren't for me.

ADULT ADAM: When it came to
college, my dad did what he never did.

Get involved.

- Moron!
- (BEVERLY CLEARS THROAT)

You're gonna throw your whole
life away like a moron, moron?

Wait! Did you just actually abandon
your chair and TV to get involved?

Look, you're gonna
prepare for that test.

Your whole damn
future depends on it.

Don't worry about my future.

Trust me, I have a
million awesome options.

I don't want to
hear your options.

NBA superstar Power Forward,

professional ninja,

successful Eskimo,

a.k.a. success-kimo,

and as a fall-back,
billionaire entrepreneur.

Spell "entrepreneur."

- "A..."
- Get in the car!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Hey, this isn't the zoo.

You're taking a PSAT
prep course. Out!

Hello, and what educational stretches
are we looking to strengthen today?

Actually, I won't
waste your time.

I'll just wait here
and make small talk

until my dad circles
around the block

to make sure I didn't bail.

After that, I'm out.

- Are you sure that...
- Bup-bup!

He's taking a lap
to check in on me,

and...

Suck it.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry
was ditching the class,

I was facing the sad reality
that I'd never find a girl like Dana.

Poor kid.

He's been a wreck since
he broke up with Dana.

I know. It breaks my
heart to see him like this.

Past two years, all
he's cared about is a girl.

But now I've got my
snuggle muffin back.

Yeah, you really
sound torn up about it.

I'm just saying, it'll be nice

to finally spend some
time with him again.

'Cause the fact is,

nothing heals a broken
heart faster than mom time.

Did you say faster or weirder?

BEVERLY: Ooh! It's on. It's on.

Kiddo, come watch with us!

This is history in the making.

David Copperfield is gonna walk
through the Great Wall of China.

ADULT ADAM: Long
before David Blaine,

we had the original
rock star magician,

David Copperfield.

His mind-blowing tricks
were truly event TV.

Levitating over the
Grand Canyon is one thing,

but this is just plain crazy.

There is no magic in this world.

Love is dead.

- But I'll watch 'cause I'm so alone.
- Yay!

(FLATLINING)

Oh, no, he's flat lining!

Go back, David!
It's not worth it!

Mr. and Mrs. Copperfield
must be beside themselves!

You do know that
walking through a solid wall

of ancient Chinese
rocks is humanly...

Oh, balls!

Oh, you gave us quite a
scare, you handsome bastard.

So handsome. Mmm-mmm.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
I was put under the spell.

- MAN: (ON TV) Miss Heather Thomas.
- (CROWD APPLAUDING)

ADULT ADAM: It wasn't just
the trick that impressed me.

It was that
Copperfield oozed cool.

Magic was the ultimate hook,

and with it, the ladies
would fall under my spell.

EMMY: What the
hell is this, dude?

Isn't it awesome?
Magic's my big hook!

Was juggling
already taken, nerd?

Trust me, there's one
thing I know about women.

They love magic.

Watch and learn.

- Yo, Lisa! You like flowers?
- Yeah.

Ta-da!

Gah! Wrong button.
Give me a sec.

Why won't you stiffen?

Stiffen, damn it!

EMMY: Wow, good trick.

You made the girl
completely disappear.

GIRL: Um...

Are you the kid from the paper?

I... Oh. Wow.

Yes. Me, him, paper.

Well, my mom wants to hire you

for my little brother's
birthday party.

Um, you any good?

Good?

We're talking illusion,
sleight of hand,

real Jedi mind-trick stuff.

Then this is the party
you're looking for.

You understood my
Star Wars reference?

Party's on Saturday.

And you should probably
get a new picture for your ad.

You're a lot cuter in person.

ADULT ADAM: It was a miracle!

Or was it magic?

See that?

All thanks to magic, I
just found my new Dana.

Do you think it'll be a problem
you don't actually know magic?

Oh, a hundred percent.

ADULT ADAM: But
I was going to learn,

which was something
Barry was still resisting.

Dudes, where you been? I've
been waiting a freaking hour!

Why are you
sitting in that thing?

'Cause I stole it
from the food mart,

so we could take turns smashing
it into the dumpsters. Duh!

Sorry, bro. PSAT
study group ran late.

PSAT study group? For what?

Um, to, like, get into
college and get jobs and stuff.

What are you talking about?
You're Madman Schwartz.

You're gonna be a successful
WWF villain hated by millions.

Naturally, but as a fall-back,

I'll probably be an
ophthalmologist like my dad,

- Eyeman Schwartz.
- What?

Cogan, talk some
sense into this lunatic.

Actually, I'm the one
that gave him the idea.

I'm thinking about
doing pre-med.

That's not the dream.

You're gonna be a
female body inspector.

Turns out, that's not a real
job, just a hilarious t-shirt.

Okay, Naked Rob, my rock.

Please tell me you're still
gonna be a steel drummer

on a clothing-optional beach.

Well, I was thinking about getting
my degree in musical engineering.

It'll require clothes,

but at some point a boy's
got to become a man.

What the hell happened
to all our plans?

You're making me
feel like all this time

in the parking lot smashing stuff
was a complete waste of time!

Bar, all our plans
were just big dreams.

College is real life.

Real life is for sell-outs.

I will never give up my dreams.

My dreams are what
give me my dignity.

Dignity, I say!

Good day to you, gentlemen!

ADULT ADAM: As Barry was
pushing himself towards a dim future,

I was entering a magical world

with my mom.

I don't know, Squishy.

All these fancy tricks,
they're just so pricey.

Can't I just get you
something like this?

I think these are aces.

Come on. I need
Copperfield-level stuff.

I get the appeal of Davey C.

(CHUCKLES) I do.
But this is too much.

ADULT ADAM: It was clear
if I wanted her to fund my act,

I'd have to do some
acting of my own.

I just figured magic
could be fun for both of us.

What exactly are you saying?

You know, something
we could share together.

I mean, there's no Dana.

Might as well hang out
with my next best lady.

Okay, don't (BLEEP)
with me here.

Are you talking about mom time?

- Yeah, sure.
- Say it.

- Whatever.
- Say the words. Say "mom time."

Do we have to call it that?

- Yeah.
- "Mom time."

- (EXCLAIMS)
- So, can I get the good tricks?

Well, I guess every
good magician

needs a beautiful assistant
they can saw in half.

Or a hands-off producer
who waits in the wings.

This is gonna be so much fun!

You can be the Amazing Adam,
and I'll be the Amazing Beverly!

We can't both be amazing. Gah!

Hey! Does somebody work here?

We need all your best
tricks for mom time!

Oh.

Okay. Also, uh,
somebody set the birds free.

Oh, boy.

ADULT ADAM: After getting
the best tricks in the shop,

I picked up magic really quick.

Unfortunately, I also picked up a
focus-stealing smother sidekick.

The Amazing
Schmoopie, everybody.

No wires. (CHUCKLES)

- (COUGHING)
- Oh!

Honey. (GASPS) Ahhh!

Oh! Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme.

Just an ordinary
bottle of ketchup

that I bought at the supermarket
and not at the magic shop.

Ta-da!

And for my next trick,

I'm gonna make a plate of
cookies appear from scratch.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Well, uh, what do you think?

Your act is actually decent.

Yes!

And every second of it
is ruined by your mom.

Hey, Mama, can we talk?

We illusionists
don't need to talk.

We just use ESP. (CHUCKLES)

You know,
extra-schmoopery-perception.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Good stuff.

You can't be my
assistant for the party.

Say what now?

Turns out doing a magic act
with your mother is super weird.

Well, it's no weirder than
if we were tennis partners

or joined a dance
competition together.

Truth is, the reason why I
did this is to impress a girl.

But you just broke up with a
girl. What about mom time?

Honestly, I kind of
played that part of it up

so you'd buy me fancy tricks.

I guess all we can
do now is move on.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm returning all
your fancy tricks.

What? No! I looked
at store policy.

Once the magic is
unleashed, there's no returns.

You think a return policy
has ever stopped me?

(LAUGHS)

Then go and return the magic.

I'll come up with my own
David Copperfield grand illusion!

Fine! Well, enjoy
your mom time...

Without your mom.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom
didn't take being left behind well.

And neither did Barry.

It's crazy.

I mean, my entire posse is
suddenly all about going to college?

- What's wrong with them?
- Chill.

They're just studying
a few vocab words.

I'm sure your best friends
will still end up nobody losers.

That's very nice of you to
say, but they seem real serious.

Has it ever occurred to you

that perhaps you
should get serious, too?

Barry's right. Who says we have
to, like, plan out our entire lives?

- We're just kids, man.
- Exactly.

The future's now.

Can't just let some stupid
test define who we are.

That's why I didn't even
open up my test results

and see how I did.

That's how little I care.

Wait. You took the SAT?

But you always said
that test was a joke.

Oh, it is. But
you got to take it.

Give me that!

- Oh, no! 1,280?
- (SCREAMS)

- Lainey, that's unreal!
- I did it!

Why is this happening to me?

Oh, sweetie, I swear this
doesn't change anything.

So you're still gonna be a
background dancer on Club MTV?

Oh, hell no.

You beginning your bright
future is a complete betrayal,

but you know what? It doesn't
matter, 'cause I'm still gonna be

a rapping basketball
ninja-rapping entrepreneur.

And I totally believe
in you, sweetie.

But yeah, maybe you
should study for the test.

Traitor!

You beautiful, smart traitor!

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
couldn't believe Lainey's betrayal,

I was ready to believe
in the impossible.

Hey, kiddo, how's the
magic treating you?

Ah, Pops, good. We
have so much to discuss.

I pored over every magic special
made by Master Copperfield,

as he is the standard against which
all us magicians judge ourselves.

Uh-huh. Maybe we
should turn the light on.

After staying up all night,

I finally figured out
how he does it, all of it.

Flying over canyons,
making Lady Liberty vanish,

walking through walls.

Ooh, this sounds juicy.

- What is it? What's the secret?
- (WHISPERS) Magic.

No, yeah, I get it.

A real magician
can't reveal his tricks,

but how does he do it?

That's just it.

Real, actual magic.

Yeah, I'm not following you.

There's no way a human
being could actually accomplish

what this man could do.

Unless it's real.

Still not following you.

Follow this!

Magic is real.

You should probably
get some sleep.

No time!

I've realized the key
to legitimate sorcery

is to believe.

If you truly have the
magic in your heart,

you can walk through any wall.

I don't think you can.

I shall traverse
through solid matter

and appear on the
other side of this wall.

Behold!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Magic isn't real!

That's what I'm
trying to tell you!

You're right. I can bounce back.

I just have to put
together a new magic act

that'll entertain
a bunch of kids.

- Easy.
- Peasy.

You're a smart kid.

You'll pull it off for sure.

You can't let him
go through with this.

He'll make a fool of
himself in front of new Dana.

Well, he should've thought
of that before he lied to me

about mom time
and broke my heart.

The kid is boned, Bevy.

- He's literally walking into walls.
- (THUDS)

Ow! Damn it! How does
that gorgeous warlock do it?

ADULT ADAM: While my mom was realizing
the effects of destroying my show,

Barry was about to put
on a show of his own.

Greetings, and
thank you for coming.

You may have wondered why
I gathered you all here today.

Yes, I was wondering.

See, I was sitting here
watching MacGyver,

and you assembled
these morons around me.

First, I'd like you all to know
that you're all the dearest

and most important
people in my life.

And everything about you disgusts
me 'cause you're all human garbage.

Appreciate the
honesty. Can we go?

No. You may have given up your
dreams to become cogs in the machine.

- But not me.
- We discussed this.

You're studying and
going to a good school.

Look, I speak for
all of the JTP...

- JTP.
- JTP.

When I say that being a freelance
ninja-for-hire is a big reach.

I mean, you could
study with us if you want.

Never! Forget ninja.

I'm getting real here.

Talking about my
most sensible dream.

Billionaire entrepreneur!

You do realize
that entrepreneurs

have actual business ideas
and billionaires have billions?

Oh, I do and I will,

as soon as I present the world

with any one of these
awesome entrepreneurical ideas.

First up, the reverse microwave.

Makes things colder!

- So, a refrigerator?
- BARRY: Next!

Know about fingerless gloves?

How about just fingers?

I call it Just Fingers.

Did you cut up my Isotoners?

Next, the front pack.

That's just a backpack
you're wearing wrong.

Next! A house for birds.

Um, that kind of already exists.

Not like this. Mine's
for the upscale bird.

Okay, I'm shutting it down.

Everyone go home.

You know who else got shut down?

Sir Isaac Newton when
he invented the apple.

That's enough!

You're studying for
that test. End of story.

No! I'm not even gonna take
the stupid PSAT or the real one.

Honey, we discussed this.
Everyone takes that test.

What's the point? We all know
I'm gonna blow it like I always do.

- Barry, you're not gonna...
- No, I am!

All I have are dreams
'cause I suck at real life,

and I'm supposed to sit here
and watch you leave me behind?

Have fun with your awesome
dreams, without me in them.

ADULT ADAM: It was the
morning of my big show,

and I was hoping my grand
illusion would impress my new Dana.

Oh, there you
are. Perfect timing.

Yep. So happy I didn't
cancel at the last minute.

(STAMMERS)
Unless you want me to.

(CHUCKLES) You're funny.

ADULT ADAM: And even
though the Amazing Beverly

had taken away my best tricks,

the Amazing Adam still
had one more up his sleeve.

It's show time. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, thanks.

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Welcome, Joshua
Feldstein and friends.

I'm the Amazing Adam.

Witness the
impossible as I levitate.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

ALL: Whoa!

Yes.

Crap.

That is normal. It's
a part of the trick.

I mean, magic.

I just need to
re-levitate my foot.

Magic!

- Hey!
- (KIDS BOOING)

ADULT ADAM: My
act was a complete bust

but then something
truly magical happened.

(BOOING CONTINUES)

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is what we call
classic misdirection!

And now, time for the real show.

Mom! You got my
good tricks back.

Ta-da!

No time to talk. Knock
them dead, love bug.

Hey, Ma.

You know, a real magician
always needs an assistant.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

(THE CARS' MAGIC PLAYING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

KIDS: Whoa.

ADULT ADAM: That's
the thing about our parents.

At the end of the day,
they're at your side...

He cut me in half, but I
love him twice as much.

ADULT ADAM: Whether you
can admit you need them or not.

Your dopey friends
said I'd find you here.

Just gonna sit
like this all day?

More like the rest
of my stupid life.

Everyone's moving
on. Everybody but me.

Look.

I know I said that the only
thing I care about is college,

but what I really care about
is whether or not you're happy.

It's gonna be hard to be happy

when I'm stuck in this
town 'cause I blew the test.

That's not true, Barry.

If you ask me, the
way your brain works,

it's like no one else's.

- Stop.
- I'm serious!

I've never met anyone
who thinks the way you do.

I did come up with Just Fingers.

Trust me, I think you're
gonna surprise everybody,

and mostly yourself
if you'll just try!

Thanks, Dad.

Let's go home.

ADULT ADAM: And even
when you're at your lowest,

they push you to be more
than you could ever dream of.

Check it out. Front
pack. Not bad, right?

- You look injured.
- My spine hurts a little.

(SIGHS) I know I kind
of freaked out. It's just...

I don't want this to end.

Good. 'Cause no
matter where I end up,

we'll always be together.

Big Tasty! Study
group starts in five.

Study group? I'm impressed.

What can I say?
I'm a torkulent guy.

That's not a word, sweetie.

Got a lot of work to do.

Thank you so much for coming.

My brother loved it.

Thanks.

We should, um, like,

do it again sometime.

Like, a movie?

Oh. Um...

You know, I...
I'm in ninth grade,

and you're, like,
in middle school.

So?

So, I'm just gonna
give you the 10 bucks,

and thanks for coming, Alan.

(SINGING) How
far can you take it

Till you realize

I got a hold on you?

Got a hold on you

Schmoo.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

I'm not.

I really miss Dana.

I know.

We were so good together.

How will I ever find that again?

Trust me.

You will.

What makes you so sure?

If there's one thing the
Amazing Adam's taught me,

there's plenty of
magic in the world.

ADULT ADAM: When you're growing
up, you can't always avoid heartache.

- Here, let me help you with that.
- (SNIFFLES)

ADULT ADAM: But if you're lucky,

a little mom time can
help you through it.

And that's pure magic.

(LAUGHING) I...
I couldn't resist.

Oh, oh Oh, oh, it's magic

Just a little...

Now, here's our magic magician!

Gregarious.

Sociable.

Sociable. Friendly.

Wow, are you still studying?

Even better.

According to science, if I play
this tape on a loop as I sleep,

my brain will sponge up all
the information, then, boom.

My days are still
free to be awesome.

Why can't you just do
things like a normal person?

I guess I'm just a character.

(SIGHS)

See you in the
morning, knowledge.

BARRY'S VOICE ON
TAPE: Intrepid, fearless.

Whoa! Wait.

Erica! Come quick!

I'm the smartest
man in the world!

- Ask me anything.
- What does gregarious mean?

To be like Greg.

- Who's Greg?
- Ah, it didn't work.