The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - 12 Tapes for a Penny - full transcript

Adam schemes to get as many cassette tapes as possible from a mail-order music club, but when Beverly finds out she points the blame at Erica. Meanwhile, Barry is determined to impress Lainey's dad, even though it's an uphill battle.

ADULT ADAM: Ah, the '80s, a time
before you could magically download music,

and your stereo was
your pride and joy.

Just one problem, tapes cost
a fortune, so I only owned two,

both of which were
the Cocktail soundtrack.

Luckily, back then, there
was a way to get free music.

MAN: (ON RADIO) And coming
in at number two, Chicago.

ADULT ADAM: Waiting for three
hours to record it right off the radio.

Unfortunately, in my
house, that wasn't so easy.

Hey, hey, Bar, do you
mind? I'm recording Chicago.

You won't hear a
thing. Look at my hands.

These are the
fingers of a surgeon.


Not cool, funny bone! Not cool!

I'm home!

- Shh!
- The TV's mine!

Dad, I'm recording music.

And I'm watching a very
special Gilligan's Island,

where the Harlem
Globetrotters come to visit.

Please, just give
me three minutes.

I've always loved Gilligan,
and I love Meadowlark Lemon.

I never thought the
two of them would meet.

- Damn it!

- Can you at least try to...
- I hate you and this house.

I didn't even do anything.

Oh, well, I suppose
the car just dented itself.

- Come on, man!

Like I'm supposed to believe...

BARRY: Why does
this thing keep going off?

They built a basketball
court on the island!

- BEVERLY: My own daughter...

BARRY: Damn it!

- Damn it! Darn it!

That's obviously stupid.

ERICA: Apparently...

ADULT ADAM: Yep, it seemed I
would never get to enjoy the music I liked,

until one company
changed everything.

Columbia House.

My God! How did you get all those
tapes on a lawn mower's salary?

They got this catalogue
filled with albums,

and they just give you
12 tapes for a penny.

That deal defies all reason.

I know. I got them
all. Abba to Zappa.

- What's up, pretty eyes?
- Not much, DK.

Sweet tapes.

- Yeah.
- I don't know, man.

There's, like, a bunch
of legal stuff here.

Dave Kim doesn't
read the fine print.

He lives in the moment. Tapes!

to be too good to be true.

So, I went to the biggest con
artist in my family, my big sister.

Sure, you get a
bunch of tapes up front,

but then you enter into a
contract to order more for full price.

In the end, Columbia
House always comes for you.

Man, I bet they have, like, ex-Navy
SEALs to collect their money.

I think you're giving
them too much credit.

Point is, you can't
get something for free.

Sure you can. What
you do is go into a store,

take a bunch of stuff,
and then just walk out.

Yeah, that's called stealing.

(MOCKING) "That's
called stealing."

- (NORMAL) That's what you sound like.
- Wait, wait.

What if I give Columbia House a
fake name and take the 12 tapes?

Well, it's illegal,
but very clever.

Yes! Then let's do this!

As much as I would love to
commit mail fraud with you,

Mom's really been
on my back lately.

Aw, come on. Commit
a felony with me.

It'll be a good
bonding experience,

or at the very least
a cautionary tale.

Whoa. Your little
brother's hardcore.

Yeah, a hardcore nerd.

Not anymore, Erica.

Face it, now I'm
a certified badass.

Schmoopie. Muppet Babies is on.


I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day


March 16, 1980-something,

and my brother went to
pick up his girlfriend, Lainey.

One problem, he had
to get by her dad first.


The screamy kid with the
crazy eyebrows is here.

Special night.

It's our 10-month anniversary.

Anniversaries are
for years, not months,

so you're celebrating nothing.

Let me see your wallet.

Here, take it.


Where do you plan
to take her tonight?

A vending machine
at a bus station?

Oh, it's fine. She usually pays.

- Hey, Bar.

Nope! Absolutely not!

Shutting it down.


If that jacket hits the
floor tonight, so do you.

Okay, kids, have a great time.

ADULT ADAM: Even though
Barry had won the love of his life,

it was becoming clear he
had not won over her dad.

- Ah...
- Yet.

Nothing like a cold one
after work, am I right?

Amen to that, brother!

Love me the old brew
ha-ha, nectar of the gods,

foam hammer, wheat
and greet, little truth water,

golden problem solver, beer.

Move over, rover.

- Are you telling me you drink?
- No!

You just said you
love cold suds.

So, which is it? Are
you a lush or a liar?

- He's a moron.
- I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur.

You want a six
pack, Mickey Mantle?



I'm probably being
a little paranoid,

but it kind of seems like
Bill hates my living guts.

- Whoo-hoo! He sure does!
- I don't get it.

Mom says I'm literally a
human ray of sunshine.

Your mom's a nice lady, but she's
done some real damage to you.

I need Bill to be my friend.

He's like a father to Lainey.

You're the boyfriend.

No dad likes the guy
who's dating his daughter.

So, it's not personal.


Top shelf.

- Yeah, throw this away.
- No.

- I'll time you.
- Okay, got to beat my record.

Barry was happily distracted,

I was focused on pulling
off the biggest scam ever.

Dude, what are you doing?

I've had a revelation.

Why create one fake
name and get 12 tapes,

when you can create
infinite fake names

and get all the tapes?

Are you sure this
is a good idea?

I've thought of
everything, Erica.

See, Columbia House
has agents everywhere

looking to collect their money.

But I'll be one step
ahead of them with this.

Each of my phony identities

has elaborately
fleshed-out back stories

that I've completely
committed to memory.

"Optimus O'Prime"? Really,
dude? Whose first name is Optimus?

This guy. He's a
41-year-old truck driver

who spends his long
nights on the road

jamming to the soft-rock
stylings of Chicago.

Ugh, why?

Because I'm playing God, Erica.

Meet Dr. Garth Vader Stein.

He's got asthma and
issues with his son.

He's also got an insane
love of Hall & Oates.

Well, we all have hobbies.

Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43.

He's a divorced veterinarian.

The only thing he loves
more than animals?

Billy Joel.

I think maybe you should pump
the brakes on your life of crime.

I think you should
beat it, narc.


(GASPS) Yay, tapes.

ADULT ADAM: For mere pennies, I
had enough soft rock for two lifetimes.


That's a whole lot
of music cassettes.

How did you get the
money for all that?

Do you want to ask questions? Or
do you want a little Neil Diamond?

- I saw nothing.
- Good answer.

was in way over my head,

Barry was trying to make
some headway with Bill.


There he is.

It's happening. He's
changed his mind about me.

Anthony Balsamo,
you old son of a gun.

Where you been? Why don't
you come around anymore?

Because your beautiful
daughter broke up with me.

Ah, women. Who
can understand them?

Hey, when am I gonna see
you out on the links again?

My buddy and I have a
tee time this weekend.

You should caddy for me.
Keep this duffer on the green.

- Look out! (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS) Hey.

Ugh. I hate it when my
dad talks golf with my ex.

They used to do it all
the time when we dated.

Your dad liked him while
you two were dating?

I thought he hated me
because I'm your boyfriend.

Oh, sweetie, no. My dad
hates you as, like, a person.

You being my boyfriend
is just a happy coincidence.

Well, don't worry.

I know a man who's got
the inside track on your dad,

and he'll be more
than happy to help me.


Yeah, uh...

What is that? Is
that a yes or a no?

Yeah... No...

You're mashing yes and no together.
Speak clearly in English words.

No... Yeah, uh...

Come on, Dad. You're Bill's
best friend. Just talk to him for me.

Talk? We mostly sit in
comfortable silence and drink.

You never once told him how
cool or funny or athletic I am?

You know, it's never come
up, and I don't think it ever will.

Can you at least tell
him how good I am

at getting all the shampoo
out of my hair in the shower?

As a favor to you, no.

Did you tell him how I
can palm a volleyball?

No, because you
can't do it consistently.

Tell him how good I am
at all-you-can-eat shrimp.

That Red Lobster
hates me, tell him.

- No!
- Fine!

If you're not gonna tell him about
me, at least tell me about him.

All I can tell you is he likes
cheese steaks and the Cowboys.

That's all you know about him?

Oh! He also likes John Denver.


Who are you? Dr. Doom?

ADULT ADAM: And so, my
brother was scheming to win over Bill.

Meanwhile, my mom was
about to get wise to my scheme.

Got a package for
Papa Smurfenstein.

I think you've got
the wrong address.

I suppose that
means there's also no

- Inspector Gidget?
- No.

- Gary Grayskull?
- No.

- Snake Plotkin?
- No.

- Ivan Drago?
- No.

- John McClaneberg?
- No.

- Hulk Hulkerstein?
- No.

- General Zod?
- No.

Jean Claude Van Thunderdome?

- What's going on?
- Let me guess. You have teenagers?

Well, one of them's been using

a lot of fake names
to get free tapes.

Well, I think it's obvious
who's responsible.

- Me?
- Yes, you. Who else would it be?

ERICA: Kermit D. Fonz?

That's got Adam
written all over it.

You expect me to
believe that Adam did this?


- Adam?
- Adam.

My delicious little
snuggle monster?

- Yes, Adam.
- Adam?

He's guilty. Tell
her you're guilty.

Why does she say
these things, Mama?

I'm just a little boy.

See? He has an
alibi. He's a little boy.

Why do you always
blame me for everything?

Just open the box
and look at the tapes,

and you'll see it wasn't me.


Weird Al, The Songs
of Fraggle Rock,

The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

And, finally, 101
Farts, Volume 2.

Hope it was worth it, Erica.

You're grounded for a month.

No phone, no crimper.

A month with smooth
hair? Are you crazy?

Tell her!

Okay, fine. It really was me.

such a good deal.

I got caught in the
heat of the moment.

Which is also a song I
got for a fraction of a penny.

Shh, you don't have
to lie for her anymore.

- Seriously?
- What?

Let Mama make
you a banana split.

You get nothing.

Oof, tough break.

Take Sheila E.
For your troubles.

- This is ridiculous!

Why do I always get blamed

for everything that goes
wrong in this house?

Because you do most of it?

You know, if Mom
thinks I'm so bad,

maybe it's time to show
her how bad I can really be.

Wait, this was you holding back?

Oh, this is not good.

ADULT ADAM: Tired of
being labelled the troublemaker,

my sister decided to
live up to her name.

Yeah, okay. Let's
do this. Let's shoplift.

Trust me, it's
super fun and easy.

And also the only thing that
really makes me feel alive.

Ooh! Fanny packs.

I mean, how much worse is shoplifting
than scamming Columbia House, anyway?

Getting 12 tapes for a penny is,
like, the same thing as shoplifting.

(WHISPERS) Just a tip.

Maybe don't say "shoplifting"
so much while you're shoplifting.

Right, got you.

Because we're not shoplifting,

which is, by the way,
totally a victimless crime.

I'm hearing a lot of justifying
and not a lot of stealing.

Catch up, girl.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my sister
was ready for a life of crime,

just as Barry was
preparing to steal Bill's heart.


Thought you might like to load
up on some meat and cheese

before an active
day in the hot sun.

You're a fan, right, Bill?

Of Geno's cheesesteaks.
You bought Pat's.

Why not just punch
me in the face?

Aren't they directly across
the street from each other

with the exact same ingredients?

Go on, punch my face. Do it!

Or we go to the
Eagles-Cowboys game.

50-yard line, root
for America's team?

I thought you were
a diehard Eagles fan.

Until I discovered the Cowboys,

my other favorite team,
which happens to be yours.

You're gonna turn on
the Eagles just like that?

Son, don't you have
any spine at all?

No. But you know what I do have?

Matching bucket hats!

- Why?
- Oh, no.

Because you love Bob Denver.

You know, Gilligan,
from the island.

- What?
- He's my favorite, too.

I don't like Bob Denver.
I like John Denver.

- Is there a difference?
- Oh, no.

Yes, one is folk icon
who melts my heart.

The other is a scrawny weirdo

who couldn't close
with Ginger or Mary Ann.

(LAUGHS) I totally know the
difference. I'm just busting chops.

I just got you this hat
so your head won't burn.

Are you calling me bald?

No, you have a beautiful
head of hair. On the sides.

You look like a judge.

Well, it's almost tee time.

Come on, Barry. You're
gonna come with us today.

- He is?
- I am?

Yeah, I invited
the boy to join us.

- You did?
- You did?

Yeah, Barry and I play golf
all the time. It's our thing.

I've never golfed
with you, not once.

Moron, I'm doing you a solid.

Don't blow this.

did Barry the rare solid.

Now, all Barry had to do
was drive it home with Bill.

Ah, golf. The sport of kings.

And queens, equal rights.

(CHUCKLES) I respect
your foxy daughter.

No, not foxy, she's
an uggo to me.

Not everyone else.

They all think she has
an awesome, plump butt.

What the (BLEEP), man?

Okay, you're
trying way too hard.

I get it, be myself.

No, don't do that either.

Wild Bill!

- You need a caddy?
- There he is.

Anthony Balsamo's here?

I can't compete with
him. He's a total babe.

Relax, you're
playing golf with Bill.

- He's just the caddy.
- You're right.

He's the caddy, the
guy behind the guy.

He's the one in Bill's ear
whispering sweet advice.

- That's what I gotta do.
- Not what I meant.

Hey, pretty boy.
Take a lap, I got this.

Just give me a
sec. I'll catch up.

Hey, I got a package
for Lucky Goldberg.

Gonna need your signature.

Yeah, Lucky's a dog.

Then I don't know what to do.

Please don't slam the door...

The nerve of that Erica.

First she frames her brother,

and then she ropes in
our sweet little puppy.

You're not cut out
for a life of crime.

You're just a cockapoo.

I ordered the tapes.

I mean, it's like that girl
doesn't ever hear a word I say.

I ordered the tapes.

She's my daughter. How come
she refuses to listen to me?

My God, woman. I
ordered the damn tapes.

I saw Adam do
it, and I wanted in.

Wait. It was you?

ADULT ADAM: With that, my mom finally
realized she did blame Erica for everything,

even when she
was clearly innocent.

Uh, Mom?

It's for you.
Erica's in mall jail.

And two seconds later,
Erica was back to being guilty.

I stole something else, but
you're never gonna find it.

Your friend's weird.

(SIGHS) There you
are. Classic Erica.

You know, I actually
started to think

maybe I'd been too hard on
you, and then you go and shoplift?

And the worst thing is,
I'm not even surprised.

Actually, your daughter
didn't do anything wrong.

I was just having her stick around
because this one is freaking me out.

It's true.

Erica tried to talk me
out of it, and I didn't listen.

Oh, God, my stomach's in knots.

- Can I use the bathroom?
- This way.

ADULT ADAM: Accusing Erica
yet again didn't help matters.

Luckily, my mom
had a way with words.


honest mistake, you know?

Pedicures, my treat?

You know, you made me
feel like such a bad person

that I actually
thought about stealing.

Schmoo, I'm sorry...

I don't want to hear
you're sorry ever again.

No matter what I do,

you're always gonna
expect the worst from me.

You have no idea how
hard that is coming from you.

No idea.

You'll never catch me,
mall hog! I feel so alive!

ADULT ADAM: Even though Bill
Lewis was having the round of his life,

my brother was having
no luck breaking the ice.

Being a caddy sucks.

All Bill wants me to do is
wash his balls and hold his bag.

It's funny but hard work.

I told you not to caddy for him.

(SIGHS) I messed
this whole thing up.

I'll never get
another shot with Bill.

All right. I'm gonna help you.

- For real?
- Yeah.

But this counts as
your birthday present.

Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder.

Barry's gonna finish
the round for me.

- Gonna use a driver on this one.

You're 60 yards out.

Don't use my expensive
driver for this chip shot.


No talking in my backswing.

I learned that after I
did it to you three times.

ADULT ADAM: It was now or never.

Barry would have to dig down deep
inside himself and do the impossible.

Son of a bitch.

That's about right.

It's okay. I got this.


Way colder than I thought.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry desperately
flailed in that murky golf pond,

my dad realized the kid
really needed a life preserver.

Starting to see why you
call him moron so much.

Yeah, well, the thing is,

he's the sweetest moron
you'd ever want to meet.

And he loves your daughter,

so much that he'd do
anything to impress you.

BARRY: I'm feeling
around with my feet.

It's mostly old golf balls

and something with scales
that's not afraid of humans!

So, please, cut
the kid some slack.

Oh! I think I drowned a little.

It was a very peaceful feeling.

I saw my old gerbil.
I'm going back in.

There's my baby.

I made you your favorite.
Cheeseburger lasagna.


I don't want to get
blamed if you burn it,

so, I'll just eat a Lunchable.

But those are for lunch.

It's the wrong meal.

Wow, you really have
failed as a mother.

Hey. I'm the only one
allowed to say that.

Well, it's true.

You punished Erica
for something I did,

almost turning her
to a life of crime.

If that ain't failing, I
don't know what is.

Oh, you're right.

I want to tell her I'm sorry, but
she refuses to hear it from me.

ADULT ADAM: It dawned on me that
I could finally use my crime for good.

Maybe there's someone
else who can say it.

Thanks to my scam, there was
one tape that was worth every penny.

And it was the perfect
way to say, "I'm sorry".

- Honey.
- Go away.

I'm trying to enjoy my four
crackers and ham square.


I don't blame you for acting
out after the way I treated you.

I really don't want to
talk right now, or ever.

Well, you don't have to because
I found a band that'll do it for us.


ADULT ADAM: Sure, Columbia
House drove Erica and my mom far apart,

but it would also bring
them closer than ever.

Everybody needs a little time away

No, not Chicago.

I heard her say

Stop doing what you're doing.

Far away from their mother

Don't make the words about you.

Hold me, schmoo

This is a nightmare.

It's hard for me
to say I'm sorry

I just want you to stay

This is the worst.


After all that
we've been through

I will make it up to you

I promise to

And after all that's
been said and done

just the part of me I can't let go

ADULT ADAM: And with
the help of one soft-rock band,

my mom was truly
able to say sorry.

Couldn't stand to be kept away

There he is. You
old son of a gun.

- Are you talking to me?
- Yeah.

Hey, sweetie. Can I have
a minute with my caddy?


Be nice.



I know I've been hard on
you, but there's a reason.

Because I'm not awesome
like Anthony Balsamo?


To tell the truth,

I knew those other guys
were just a flash in the pan.

But what you two
have, it's the real deal.

- You think so?
- Yeah. It's scary.

I guess I'm just not
ready to lose my little girl.

But I'm gonna try
to be better about it.

ADULT ADAM: Inspired
by the girl they both loved,

Bill decided to start a
new chapter with Barry.

As for me, I closed the
book on my life of crime.

Not so fun getting
grounded for a month, huh?

Honestly, it's a relief.
I was on a dark road.

Farewell, Garth Vader
Stein. Nice knowing you.

Don't talk to him,
Erica. He's grounded.

You know, you could learn a
thing or two from your big sister.

And my mom finally turned
a new page with Erica.

I really could.

Made you a banana split.

You get nothing.

- Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?
- I would like that.

Growing up, we're
all seen a certain way.

Yes! Mark it down,


But the people you love always
see you for who you really are.

- He's a moron.
- He really is.

And that's something
worth celebrating.

ADAM: This is my
tapes, my other tapes.

Welcome to Contempo Casuals.

Did you find all the hot styles
you were looking for today?

What? Since when
do you work here?

I had no choice.

I'm into Columbia House, deep.
They send me letters every day.

I owe them hundreds.

I told you to read the
fine print, Dave Kim.

Shh! Don't say my name!
They have agents everywhere.

Look, that girl checking
out the stirrup pants.

She's here for me. I don't
have your money, man.

I'll get it! Just give me time!

(CRYING) I need more time.