The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - A Kick-Ass Risky Business Party - full transcript

Lainey, Erica and Barry plan a big party while Lainey's father is out of town; Murray is annoyed by the amount of time Adam spends on the phone talking to Dana.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Back in the '80s, Tom Cruise
danced, dove, and crashed

his way into our hearts

in the classic teen
movie, Risky Business.

He was a pantless, partying
badass in tube socks.

But for my brother, Barry, Risky
Business wasn't just a movie.

It was a plan for life.


Dang it. Mom waxed
the floor. I'm going again.

Shoes were a bad idea.

Going again.


What did I tell you about
Tom Cruising the floor, huh?

- It's incredibly risky.
- Risky. That's the point.

I mean it, Barry.

Take those sunglasses
off and look me in the eye.

Do you want to
crack your head open?

No Tom Cruising. Say it.

No Tom Cruising.

Say it like someone who
doesn't want brain damage.

No Tom Cruising.

For years, all Barry wanted
was to live Risky Business.


And he finally got his shot

thanks to his rebellious,
bad-influence girlfriend,

Lainey Lewis.

Porsche. There is no substitute.


This is super-hot and awesome,
but your dad's gonna kill you.

Actually, my dad just left for a
flooring convention in Atlanta.

He gave me a buttload of
pizza money and two rules.

No driving his
Porsche and no parties.

One down, one to go.

Sweet Rebecca De
Mornay, it's happening!

We're gonna throw a real life,
kick-ass Risky Business party.

Erica, we need a keg,
stat. Lainey, jump in back.

Big Tasty's taking the wheel.

I can't move my legs.

I don't belong back
here. Why is it so hot?

Turn the vents on me.

My God, please stop whining.

But this was supposed to be
my Risky Business moment.

I'm Tom Cruise.

No, you're the weird guy in
the movie who sits in the back.

The dude who played
Booger? That's bullcrap.

I'm not Booger. You be Booger.

Cramp! Leg cramp!

- My hamstrings are too muscular.
- What are you doing?

- I got to stretch out, okay?
- Just sit there like a good booger!

- Get your foot off the gear shift!
- I'm trying!

Nobody move. BARRY:
I'm just gonna move a little.

Barry, don't move.

Don't worry. I'm like a
ninja. I'm just gonna...

I think it's fair to say
this was everyone's fault.

Shut up, Booger.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was September
23, 1980-something,

and I was in my first official
long distance relationship

with my first official
girlfriend, Dana Caldwell.

No, you hang up.

- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.

- You hang up.
- You hang up.

- You hang up.
- You hang up.

Someone please hang up.

I can't hear what Jake
is saying to the fat man.

Back before email and Skype,

the only way to stay connected
was to talk on the telephone,

or for extra romance, sing.

Step by step

Unfortunately, my voice
was in a transitional period.

Left, right, left
We all fall down

Like toy soldiers

Oh, my God, that
terrible sound is you?

Leave the singing
to the professionals.


Even though my voice changed,

we were still as strong as ever.

I was thinking
that Friday night,

we could look at
Halley's Comet together.

Only comes around
once every lifetime.

Aw. You're amazing.

So, I'll watch it from here
and you'll watch it in Seattle.

Whoa. You're talking to Seattle?

I thought Danielle
lived down the street.

It's Dana, and I told you
a million times she moved.

You can't call
Seattle before 8:00.

Do you have any idea how much
your girlfriend's gonna cost me?

Hey. You made me hang up first.

I'm sorry, Adam. I
can't afford your love.

It's too pricey.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm canceling
our long distance service.

There, it's done.
Relationship over.

Pops, talk some sense
into this heartless man.

You're a smart kid.

Find a creative way
to connect with her.

You know, I once dated a
Filipino woman via telegram.


Of course, Western
Union had to shut us down

because Mala could get very
filthy in just three sentences.

Point is, love.

Okay, you're useless to me.

As angry as I was, it couldn't hold
a candle to the rage my mom felt

when she found out
about the Porsche.

Do not be fooled by my
sweater. I am not flappy.

I'm very flangry.

The good news is, Lainey,
I spoke to your father.

I told him all about his car

and all about the kick-ass
Risky Business party.

What? How do you
know about that?

"List of stuff to get for our
kick-ass Risky Business party

"because Lainey's
dad is in Atlanta."

Idiot! Why'd you write it down?

- I'm a visual thinker.
- Hush up.

The good news is, Lainey,

your dad agreed to let you
stay with us until he gets back.

That means I have six
days to fix your entire life.

No way.

You have already ruined
our lives with your insane love.

You're not ruining
Lainey's, too.

Please, she's hot-rodding,
failing her classes,

- spending time with shady friends...
- Hey!

- Showing questionable taste in boys.
- That's fair.

Maybe this is all a
blessing in disguise.

I really could use some of your
amazing mom wisdom, Mrs. G.

I mean, I've always admired you
and your store-bought sweaters.

- Oh, no, I made this myself.
- What?

You should be a business
owner and a millionaire by now.

See, this makes me very flappy.

You two learn from her.
We're gonna have so much fun.

I'm gonna show you how to
make my famous shrimp parm.

Have you heard of it?

Of course you have. It's famous.

- Duh, Beverly.
- Yum.

What is wrong with you?

You never ask for
her mom wisdom, ever.

Chill. I'm just telling her
what she wants to hear.


So, the party's back on?

- Wow!
- Whoo!

I'm gonna go write a list
of things we need to get.

- Stop writing lists!
- Learn from your mistakes!

While Erica and Barry were
trying to outsmart my mom,

I was outsmarting
the phone company.

- Hello?
- You have a collect call from...

Dana, I love you,
my dad is a putz,

how was your day?
I want to kiss your...

- Adam?
- Face.


How will she know?

But as fate would have it,

a new advancement in phone
technology would let me talk to Dana,

and it was glorious.

There it is.

Behold the gem of the
forbidden teacher's lounge.

The fax machine.

I know it's dangerous,
but Dana's worth the risk.

She's my soul mate.

Suit yourself, man.

Dave Kim likes them thick.

It was the perfect plan.

Dana would have my
passionate love letter in her hands

in mere seconds.

- Or hours.
- What the...

Turns out the fax
totally sucked back then.

Why are you so slow?

Oh, wait, that's the wrong way.

It took me 10 minutes
to send two frickin' pages,

but I managed to
escape without a trace.

Oh, hell no.

This is the teacher's lounge.

This place is sacred.

So help me God, you
are in so much trouble.


Someone took the tab for
my flier for guitar lessons.


You are so lucky this day
has turned around for me.

Oh, no, wait a minute. I forgot.

I did it myself to get
the ball rolling. Damn it!

You are in so
much trouble again.

Hey, is it cool if Anthony
Balsamo's brother

invites his frat to the party?

Dude, what part of Risky Business
party don't you understand?

My God, it's gonna be awesome.


Erica and Barry! It's your mom!

And, Lainey, it's your
mom for the week!

- Oh, no. She's here. It's happening.
- What's she doing here?

Why is there no
color in your faces?

I'm waving my arms!

The start of every year,
my mom storms the school

and demands that we get
the best teachers and classes.

- They call it...
- The demanding of excellence.

Oh, come on. No
one calls it that.

Oh, sweet Lord. It's the
demanding of excellence.

Show no fear.

Mom, stop right there, okay?

I told you I don't need
or want your help.

Please, take up tennis.

Have a leisurely lunch
with a friend. Just let us be.

Oh, snuggle monkeys,
I'm not here for you.

- I'm here for Lainey.
- Me?

No, no.

No, see, you can't
just walk in here

demanding excellence
for other students.

That's not how school works.

You can only parent
your own child.

Oh, I'll parent every damn
child in this school if I have to.

- Hell, I'll even parent you.
- Don't parent me.

Looks like you got
some color at the beach.

- Did you wear sunscreen?
- Don't do that.

Did you reapply after
you went in the water?

- Huh? Tell me.
- I can't remember. I was having fun.

What about this
apple? Did you wash it?

- Yeah.
- Don't you lie to me.

It still has a sticker on it.

Okay, damn it! Just tell me
what you want! Just tell me!

She's cheerleading
five days a week,

and yet you still have
her taking gym class.

Okay, fine. Want to
have study hall instead?

- Wait, for real?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Keep being my mom. Do it. Go.

I also noticed Lainey
isn't cheer captain

when she's clearly the most
talented dancer on the squad.

I demand you make her captain,
and I want her on top of the pyramid.

Here's a list of more
demands. Meet them.

And wash that apple.

My work is done
here. See you at dinner.

What happened? What did she do?

I'm so angry even though I
don't have any of the information.

Chill. It was actually awesome.

She's gone. You
can drop the act now.

It's not an act.

No. Our mom is just
poisoning your mind

with her endless well
of love and support.

Yeah, I'm not seeing
how that's a bad thing.

No, where are you going?

Cheer practice,
where I'm the captain.

You can't leave. We
have a party to plan.

Yeah, no party. Not feeling it.

Maybe some other time.

What the hell just happened?

Did we just lose our
kick-ass Risky Business party?

It's worse. We just lost Lainey.

Thanks for coming
in, Mr. Goldberg.

Wanted to address this
teacher's lounge breach head on.

Couldn't this have
been a phone call?

Believe me, I don't
want to be here, either.

After school, I go to
the mall with my parrot

and people treat
me with respect.

Her name is Feather
Locklear. Real head turner.

Look, I'm sorry I used the fax,

but I just want to
reach my girlfriend.

Again with the
girlfriend, unbelievable.

You're a guidance
guy. Guide him.

Tell him long distance
relationships don't work.

I'm sorry, I beg to differ.

I've been in a long
distance relationship

for the past seven years.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Ellen lives in Tampa.

And I'm lucky, too, because
Ellen has a male roommate

to keep an eye on
her when we're apart.

She lives with a guy?

Yeah, Todd. He's a lifeguard,
so he can totally give her CPR

if she ever gets in
any kind of trouble.

He's a real stud.

I mean, does he
even own a shirt?

See, Dad? It can work.

Okay, pay attention. This
might be helpful to you.

Uh, this long distance
girlfriend you got,

you see her much?

Well, not since
she went to Paris.

And of course, Todd tagged
along because he speaks French.

He's a good egg.

It sounds like she's
with this Todd guy.

No, no, no.

She's taken his last name
for insurance purposes.

Point is, long
distance can work.

I want to believe you, but
your story has some holes.

Hey, don't flip this back on me.

You and Dana are
the ones on the rocks.

Frankly, we used to gab about
you guys in the teacher's lounge,

how we didn't think your
relationship had legs.

You're both wrong.

I may not be able
to call or fax Dana,

but she will know how I feel,

even if it means
doing the unthinkable.

Bro, you've come to the
right person for love advice.

Let's do this.

Without the phone or the fax,

my only option was
a musical love letter,

written by my brother
and starring me.

Hey, sweet baby girl.

I know we can't
talk on the phone,

so I'm gonna just let
the music speak for me.

And I'll be speaking, too,

'cause this jam is
written by Big Tasty.

- Ain't that right, Lil' Yum Yum?
- That's not my name, girl.

While I was starting to
feel this was a bad idea,

Lainey couldn't have
felt more at home.

So, then you're
gonna say to yourself,

"Hey, that's too much
cheese", but you know what?

It's never too much cheese.

God, this is so much better
than cold pizza every night.

And I love that little note
you put in my lunch today.

Well, I meant every word of
it, my little snuggle monster.

Yep, Lainey was
happy to be a Goldberg,

but the Goldbergs
weren't so happy.

It's like there's two Moms now.

This is bad. This is really bad.

All I wanted was a kick-ass
Risky Business party

and a free pass to Princeton.

Is that too much to ask?

Don't give up hope yet.

It's time to bring
out the big guns.

Tissue me.

And then he said, "Let's break
up", and I'm like, "But I love you",

and he's like, "I love you, too,
but I'm not in love with you."

I'm sorry, Lainey.

I just really need my mom's
full and undivided attention.

Wow, it's so surprising
and unsettling to hear

that you've had a
boyfriend all this time

and none of us knew about it.

- Say, what was his name? Uh-huh.
- His name?

His name was, um...


- Shrimpson.
- It's Dutch.

I'm sorry, Lainey.
Maybe you should go.

No. No, no, no.

You're just trying to
remove me from her life

just like how you
removed me from yours.

What? How dare you.

Good luck with Mr. Shrimpsteen.

It's Shrimpson.

Okay, what are you doing?

- Saving you.
- From what?

Your mom's cooking?

Her sweet little
notes? Her support?

Yeah, sure, it seems nice now,

but my mom loves us more
than any mom loves her kids.

I don't think the problem
here is your mom.

It's you. You don't
appreciate her.


But don't say I didn't warn you.


Come to temporary
Mommy. Lainey. Lainey!

Hi. What are you doing here?

In the middle of the day?

Oh, it's kind of my thing. You'll
see. I just wanted to drop this off.

SAT prep?

Yeah, here's the thing.
I'm not going to college.

- What's that, now?
- I want to be a dancer in New York.

Or Vegas, whichever
one's closer.


That sounds fun.

But, yeah, you're
going to college.

- I'm really not.
- Oh, you are.

I spoke to your father
about it, and he signed off.

This is Raji.

He'll be tutoring you
every day at study hall

and Saturdays at 8:00 AM
when you're nice and fresh.

I'll see you at
dinner, love bug.

Your mom's very pushy.

As Lainey was starting to
panic about her new smother,

I was finishing my love jam.

Nothin' in between us

No distance can defeat us

Dat's love

Miles, inches, yards, feet

Fathoms in the oceans
kilometers on the street

He'd punch a stegosaurus

Jump the Grand Canyon

Karate kick Godzilla

Just to be your companion

Nothing in between...

- It's bad, isn't it?
- It's not great.

Well, I've tried everything.

You were right, Dad.

Long distance never works.

You win.

You know, I seem to recall

a certain long distance
relationship that worked just fine.

What are you talking about?

Those six months you spent
in ROTC away from Beverly.

You know, when you
called her every single day.

That was different.
I was an adult.

Just 'cause he's a kid doesn't
mean his feelings aren't real.

Trust me, Mur.
He loves that girl.

There's nothin' in between us

'Cept love

And dinosaurs

While I had given up, Erica
and Lainey were preparing

to take on my mom.

What have I done? I
unleashed the beast.

Oh, this is not
good. You were right.

This isn't a time
for, "I told you so",

it's a time for action,
and I told you so.

I'll do whatever you
say to make it stop.

There's only one way.

She thinks that
she calls the shots,

but you have to break her
heart and show her that you do.

May I suggest throwing a
kick-ass Risky Business party?

Can you stop
eavesdropping like a weirdo?

I eavesdrop like a
badass, and you know it.

The weirdo's right.

- The party is back on.
- Yes!

Within three hours,
Lainey's house was jumping.

A little too much.

The TV was stolen,
furniture was danced upon,

the record player was pizza'd.

Also, this lady showed up.

Hey, we wanted
Risky Business, right?

Yeah, but not this much.

I think there are actual
you-know-what-stitutes here.

Even the nice geeks at school
got swept up in the madness

and decided to let loose.


Unfortunately, they let
loose an MVP football trophy

Lainey's dad had won in college.

This party needed a hero.

And tonight, it
wasn't Tom Cruise.

And it wasn't Barry Goldberg.

It was my mom.

Turns out the only thing
worse than an insane party

is an insanely mad smother.

It was 1:00 AM, and
the party was still raging.

So was my mom.

I have failed as a mother
and as a temporary mother.

Shame on you.

Lying, sneaking out,
betraying my trust.

I mean, come... Oh.

My God. Thank you for coming.

- I'm so sorry.
- Save us from ourselves.


Everything's gonna be
all right. Mama will fix it.

Just let me soak in this
hug for one more moment.

And then the fixing began,

as my mom made the
coolest party painfully uncool.

I know I told you never
to Tom Cruise the floor,

but sometimes you just
got to say, "What the"

Just take those old
records off the shelf

Turns out it actually comes in handy
to have a smother so embarrassing

that she can clear out a party.

But in that moment,

my brother and sister
realized that Lainey was right.

I like that old
time rock and roll

It's not so bad having a mom

willing to risk
everything for her kids.

I'm okay.

And when the smoke
clears, clean up their mess.

Thank you for staying.

It was pretty cool of you.


I know I got carried
away with Lainey.

It's just...

I loved having someone
who was willing to listen.

Someone who's not
always pushing me away.

And I know you love
us more than anything.

And we appreciate it.

We really do.

So maybe you won't
push me away as much?

Depends if you won't
get carried away so much.

Yeah, both aren't gonna happen.

For now.

That's the amazing
thing about parents.

No matter how hard
you push them away,

they'll never let you go.

And sometimes, they give
you just the push you need.

What you writing?

- It's called a break-up letter.
- Put your pen down.

You don't have to break
up with what's-her-face.

- Her name is...
- Dana, yes.

I know. I know. I know.

How about if I let
you call her again?

Wait. Seriously?

Ten minutes a night.
Would that work?

- Really?
- Ten minutes.

Not a second more. I mean it.
I got a stopwatch in the drawer.

You said long distance
was impossible.

Yeah, well, I remembered

that I actually knew
a guy who pulled it off.

- Really?
- Yeah.

No matter how far away
the girl was, he loved her,

and that's all that mattered.

I love Dana. I really do.

Well, then, make that call.

But 10 minutes only.

Left, right, left

We all fall down

There, I see it. Halley's Comet.

My God, so cool.

- Did you see it?
- Yeah, I did.

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

You know what the best part was?


I saw it with you.

It was a night I'd
remember forever.

Sure, Dana and I
were 3,000 miles away,

but we never felt closer.

And even though my dad said he
couldn't afford our love, in the end,

he knew there's just some things
in life you can't put a price on.

Adam, get off the roof.
You'll break your neck.

Only emptiness remains

Step by step

Heart to heart

Left, right, left

We'll all fall down

Like toy soldiers

I'll be your boyfriend.

Yeah, I'll be your
boyfriend, okay?

Don't you see we're young?
It doesn't matter what we do.

Did you just take a tab?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you have no idea
how long I've waited for this moment.

Yeah, I just wanted to...

Learn how to shred
the axe? You will.

- Oh, you just wanted to...
- It lost its minty flavor.

Wait a minute.

Ellen is with Todd.