The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - I Rode a Hoverboard! - full transcript

Adam's exaggeration about how he broke his arm could jeopardize his friendship with Emmy Mirsky.

Adult Adam: Growing up, we all
have our embarrassing secrets.

♪ Well, I guess it would be nice ♪

♪ If I could touch your body ♪
♪ I know not everybody ♪

♪ Has got a body like you, ohh ♪

Mine was that I loved George Michael

and I wanted to dance exactly like him.

Yep, this was the kind of secret

I didn't want to tell anyone...

(Music stops) Even my
best friend, Emmy Mirsky,

and we told each other everything.

So, what's it gonna be, muscles?

It's the biggest decision of my life.

Just let me think.

What's to think about?

Brian McMann made it pretty darn clear.

Do you like him? Yes or no?

Can't I just write in
a third box that says "maybe"?

You've been in love with him
since first grade.

- I'm checking "yes."
- No.


I'm gonna tell you the
hugest secret on the planet,

but you have to swear on our
friendship you won't ever tell anyone.

Okay. I swear on our friendship.

I kissed Rob Butchenhart behind
the gym during the fire drill.

No way!

I've spun quite the web.

All right. I'm gonna tell you a secret.

But you got to swear on our friendship,

under penalty of death,
that you won't ever tell anyone.

- Done.
- I pulled that fire alarm.

What?! Why?!

I sat in pudding at lunch.

I didn't want anyone
to misinterpret the situation.

I got something to tell you,

but you have to swear on our
friendship you won't get mad.

I swear.

I put that pudding cup on your chair.

Damn it! Now I can't get mad.
Stupid friendship swear.

- You know what? I'm marking "yes."
- W... No!

You may wonder... if we told

all this embarrassing stuff to each other,

why would I keep
my awesome moves a secret?

This is why. (VCR clicks)

♪ ...Love comes down without devotion ♪

♪ Well, it takes a strong man, baby ♪

♪ But I'm showin' you the door ♪

♪ 'cause I gotta have faith ♪

(Gasps) Snuggle monster!

I can't believe
you broke your arm dancing.

It was either that
or when mom jumped on me.

I'm so psyched.

This severe compound fracture
is my ticket to popularity.

Nerd's right. Everybody loves
the kid in the cast.

Yeah, until everybody finds out
how he broke it.


What's wrong with a lonely boy
in his room videotaping himself

shaking his groove thang
to George Michael?

Yeah, I hear it now.

Just come up with a good lie...
Something cool.

Got it!

You were Van-surfing
like stiles from "Teen Wolf"!

Idiot, we don't have a van.

No, wait... something about ninjas!

No, wait... sharks. Ninja Sharks!

Just keep it simple.

Say you broke it skateboarding
or something.

I'm telling you... ninja... sharks.

Erica was right...
Keep it cool and simple.

And I knew just the thing.

That year, Robert Zemeckis,
director of "Back to the Future II,"

gave an interview where he admitted

that hoverboards were, in fact, real.

Zemeckis: They've been around for years.

It's just that parents' groups

have not let toy manufacturers make them.

But we got our hands on some.

Adult Adam: Thanks to Mr. Zemeckis, I
had a cover story anyone would believe.


I was on a hoverboard!


♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

The Goldbergs - 02x08
I Rode a Hoverboard

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was December 3rd, 1980-something,

and just like every night,

my mom was working her fingers
to the bone to make us dinner.

She whisked, balled, and breaded,

customizing each plate to our tastes.

Extra meat sauce.

No meat sauce.

Just meat sauce.

And for all the hard work, this
was the thanks she'd always get.

(Sighs) Jello again?

I hate this stuff.


Excuse me!

I have been slaving
over a hot stove all day.

Do you know how many meals in a row

I've cooked for you people?


- That can't be right.
- Thank your mother.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ohh. That's not why I do it.

It's exactly why she did it.

I mean, sure, my feet ache,

and I've done permanent
damage to my arches

and probably ruined a very
lucrative dance career,

but I think it's worth it.

My dad didn't normally get involved,

but when it came to food,
he was full of ideas.

You know what, Bevy? I think
you should take tomorrow off.

What's that?

Yeah, a new restaurant
opened up around the corner.

It's called China Garden.

Chinese food?
Never had it, so I don't like it.

Yep, the '80s was a simpler time,

when your small town
only had four restaurants...

The Bar and Grill, The Sandwich Place,

the other Sandwich Place,

and Bennigan's...

Which was also a sandwich place.

Come on. It looks good.

There's a happy dragon on
the sign patting his full tummy.

You know, Dave Kim's
parents own that place.

Oh! Maybe we can get
some free french fries!

Hey, stupid.

It's Chinese fries.

Well, I'm sold.

Let Dave Kim's mom deal with
you ungrateful animals for the night.

But there was one thing
my mom didn't count on...

Chinese food is the greatest thing ever!

Holy balls!

They put pork inside of a pancake...

Right inside!

I feel like I'm crying a little.

Flavor is literally exploding
through the crispy skin,

right into my taste buds!

It's a little greasy for my palate.

Said my insanely jealous mom.

Everybody enjoying the food so far?

Erica: Oh, my God, yes.

We're gonna come tomorrow night

and every other night
for the rest of our lives.

Dave Kim is a very lucky boy.

In that moment, Beverly Goldberg saw

another mom get something
she'd never got before...

True appreciation.

Moo shu?


Oh, that was my fault.

Um [Exhales sharply]
well, it's ruined now.

I guess that means we should go, huh?

Ah, don't sweat it.

We'll get another one of those.

And I'll tell you what...

A refill on this delicious, exotic tea.

- Mmm.
- That's duck sauce.

That is good.

While my mom was feeling
overshadowed by pork dumplings,

I was the center of attention,
thanks to my latest injury.

So, how'd you break your arm, Klutz?

I fell off a hoverboard. No biggie.

Hey, I heard they're serving
square pizza for lunch. Who's in?

Whoa. Wait. You were on a hoverboard?

As in a flying skateboard?

We all know what a
hoverboard is, Dave Kim.

This putz. So, pizza!

Wait. Are you serious right now?

True story...
I was walking through the mall,

and a scientist walked up to me,
a real doc brown type,

and he asked if I wanted to be
in a select group of kids

to test hoverboard technology.

Yeah, I call bullcrap.

Tell us what really happened.

I was losing them.

I either had to expose myself
as a dancing loser

or pull out the big guns.

They may not believe me, but you will.

I swear on our friendship.

It happened, people. He floated on air.

Wait. Now you believe him?

You can't lie on a friendship swear.

It's the rules.

Are you kidding me?! A hoverboard?

You wereupposed to say
something real, like skiing.

Well, that's just crazy.

No one would believe that I can ski.

Okay, relax.

Every kid tells that one giant
lie that gets away from them.

It's not a big deal.

Yes, it is!

If Emmy finds out
I lied on our friendship,

she'll hate me forever.

Want my advice, kiddo?

Lie your ass off.

What?! You're supposed to be
my role model and moral compass.

We're talking about muscles Mirsky, here.

She's a groovy dame
and a hell of a best friend,

and we got to do whatever it takes

to save this friendship.

But how? I'm in too deep.

Lucky for you, I'm an expert liar,

and I'll teach you because
you're the coolest, smartest,

most capable brother
a girl could ever have.

- Really?
- No.

But now you see how good I am.

W-what is all this?

This... this... smells.

Look, you guys just loved
that Chinese food so much,

I figured, why ever go back there

when I can make it all right here?

I present to you...
Beverly's Chinese Palace.

(Clink) (Gong!)

You sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah, Chinese food seems
kind of complicated.

Well, maybe for a less-experienced chef.

That ketchup?

It's just a base.

Tsk. You don't understand cooking.

Okay, all I have to do

is put this block of frozen broccoli

into the boiling-hot grease, and...

(Extinguisher spraying)

(All coughing)

Beverly: Okay.

Beverly's Chinese Palace
is officially closed.

But I can still whip up
some of my shrimp parm.

Who wants shrimp parm? Huh?

Shrimp parm? Shrimp parm? Shrimp parm?

(Engine turns over, gearshift clicks)

(Tires screech) Shrimp parm!

Shrimp parm!!

Last call.

By the end of the week, we had
been to China Garden 5 times,

and my mom had had enough.

Excuse me.

Hi. I don't know if you remember me.
I'm Beverly Goldberg.

Yes, of course... You're
the mom who I thought

worked at the school
'cause she's there so much.

I'm involved, yes.

Uh, but today, I have a teeny, tiny favor.

I need you to ban my family

from eating here for life, mm'kay?

But they're great customers.

We have a dish named after that one...

"Big tasty pork."

It's fried pork with regular pork on top.

He would love that, yes.

Uh, look, let's talk
mother-to-mother, here.

You have kids. You know that
dinner is special family time.

I'm sorry, but it's not my fault

that your family likes my food
better than yours.

(Bell tolls)


I didn't come here looking for a war,

but I didn't come here
to turn one down, either.

I'm not scared of you.

Oh, you will be.

Watch your back, Dave Kim's mom.

At school, I had laid down
a thick pile of bullcrap,

and there was only one person
with the skills to shovel me out.

Okay, time to learn
America's greatest art form...


A liar is, if nothing else, a salesman.

You got to sell your lie,

and to do that, you got to believe it.

Now, tell me a lie.

I'm a fish.

Just do the hoverboard thing.

I...rode a hoverboard.

Horrible! You have like 10 tells!

No eye contact, you're fidgeting,

and you smell like fear.

That might be the cast.
It's gotten super-stinky.

- Smell.
- No! Focus!

The number-one rule to lying
is to never, ever back down.

Just keep lying until
you come out the other side.

Other side... got it.

Now, look me in the eye
and make me believe it.

- I rode a hoverboard.
- Again.

- I rode a hoverboard.
- Again!

- I rode a hoverboard!
- Again!!

I rode a hoverboard!!


Odd thing to say when we're
talking about mitochondria,

but, uh, since you brought it up,

I feel obligated as your science teacher

to inform you all
that hoverboards aren't real.

Well, that's your opinion.

No, that's the opinion of gravity.

- It's a gray area.
- Couldn't be clearer.

- Well, we can agree to disagree.
- No, we can't.

Hold up. Are you calling
Adam a big, fat liar?

With all due respect to Mr. Goldberg...

100%, yes.

Well, you're a 100% dook.

Principal's Office... now.

Worth it!

As for the rest of you,

science is based on empirical evidence,

so unless Mr. Goldberg here
can provide some,

I will implore you all
not to believe a word he says.

- I have a video.
- You have a video?

You have a video?

I said "Principal's Office"!

In your face! He's got a video!

If that's true, then everything I
know about science would be wrong

and reality as we know it would shatter.

Dogs would fly.

I would be dating Claudia Schiffer!

So... we cool?

Oh, yeah. We cool.

So cool that if you show
that video in class,

I'll give everyone in here an "A."

(Cheers and applause)

How was school, poopie?

Worst day ever.

Hey, can I curl up in a ball
on the way back while you drive?

Aww, schmoo, what's wrong?

You can tell mama anyth...

Oh, is that Dave Kim?

Dave Kim! Dave Kim!

What are you doing?!

Let's invite him over for dinner.

I don't want to invite him
over for dinner!

Just lay down in the way back
and be sad, okay?

Dave Kim! Adam wants to invite
you over for dinner, Dave Kim!

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Drive, drive, drive!

Dave Kim! Please be our guest
at our home tonight!

If you want to come over, just
get in the backseat now.

- Drive!
- Dave Kim!


Well! If it isn't Dave Kim's mom.

Funny you should drop on by.

You called me to pick up my son.

Did I? Huh.

Well, yes, he's here,

just going to town on my shrimp parm.

He loves my cooking.

Maybe even more than yours.

Mom, you got to try this.

It's both fishy and cheesy.

You can't put cheese on seafood!

It breaks every culinary law!


I'll put cheese on anything.


You can't cheese anything.

I once cheesed a slice of watermelon.

That's disgusting.

Or is it delicious?

This is delicious.

Enjoy. (Chuckles)

I told him to come back
tomorrow night with his sister.

Jenny, is it? Sweet girl.

She's gonna love
my mac-'n'-cheese meatballs.

That's right.

I'll combine an entrée and side
into a super-dish.

I don't give a [Bleep]

You don't want to take me on, lady.

This is one food war you can't win.

Oh, I'll win.

Shrimps will be cheesed,
tummies will be stuffed,

and your kids will be begging to come here

during special family-dinner time.

So, what's it gonna be?


I'm sorry, gentlemen.
We can't serve you here.

You're talking to those two, right?

I don't understand.

Why are we on the wall,
like a bunch of criminals?

Yeah! I need my big tasty pork!

Please! It's my birthright!

Let's just say...

Some mothers love their family
so much, it's scary.


While my dad was heading back
to deal with my mom,

I was heading back to the future!

(Drill whirs)

(Angelic choir sings)

Unfortunately, in my version,

the future looked kind of crappy.


Here I am,

testing out the world's
first actual hover...

Ow! Ow!

It's squishing my parts.

Cut. I can see the rope.
This looks shoddy.

You think?

You said to keep lying
till I get to the other side.

When do I get to the other side?

Just shut up and hover!

(Scoffs) God.

Oh. Yeah. There. Just like that. Yep.

That actually looks not that crappy.

Damn it.

Cut! Someone's in the shot.

I can't see! Spin me around!

Oh! Spin me back!

Are you kidding me?!

Emmy, I can explain.

Here are your get-well cookies.


Come back!

Emmy! Wait!

I don't want to talk to you.

- Just let me explain.
- No.

I stood up for you.

I got an in-school suspension
and grounded for a month.

But even worse...

I told a bunch of people
hoverboards are real!

Trust me, the truth is too embarrassing.

You would've lied, too.

Not to you.

I'm sorry, okay.

But... it's me.

You can't hate your best friend.

That's the thing.

You're not just a friend.

You're like... my brother.

And if I can't count on you...

Then I have nobody.

And just like that,

my best friend hovered out of my life.

Bev! You've got a lot of nerve!

We're grown men. You cannot control us.

Don't be silly. Of course I can.

Fine! You can!

But the one freedom we have is food,

and you can't take that away from us.

I won't let you!

Let's discuss it over dinner.

Sit down.

I made cheeseburger meatloaf.

Behold my mom's secret weapon.

It was cheese. It was meat. It was loaf.

And it was spectacular.

No! The woman's just trying to
use your hunger to control you.

Just a little taste. No taste!

Can we at least munch some of the topping?

No! We're never eating her food again.

Well, China Garden's not an option,

so where else you gonna go?

We'll go to Bamboo Palace downtown.

Come on, guys! Let's go!

You'd never drive into the city
during rush hour.

Oh, I will for this.

Well, then I'll have you banned
from there, too...

Banned from Chinatown entirely.

Then we'll switch to Indian food.

Your stomach can't handle the spices.

Then we'll get Sushi!

Raw fish? You don't even like raw carrots.

Then we'll get Thailand food!

That's right...
Food from wherever that is!

Why are you working so hard
to take this away from me?

Take what away from you?

You're acting crazy! It's just dinner!

Not to me!


You all have your other things going on...

Your work, your school,
your hypersexual lifestyle.


For me, this kitchen, these meals...

It's all I've got.

It's the only thing I still do
that makes me feel needed.

So, yeah, maybe that makes me crazy,

but cooking for my family
means everything to me.

Emmy had found out that
I'd never rode a hoverboard.

It was only a matter of time

before the rest of the class
learned the truth.

- There was no way out.
- I have a way out.

It's too late.

I don't have time to come up
with a whole new web of lies.

That's why I did it for you.

I got Lainey to steal this from
her dad's sketchy law office.

Nondisclosure Agreement?

Just say that the scientist
from the mall made you sign it

and you legally can't show
your hoverboard video.

Class has started, Mr. Goldberg.

We're all waiting for you
to take us into the future.

Ohhh! Oh, I'm hovering!

So, I know everyone was excited
to see that video

of me hoverboarding,

but I-I can't show it.

(Students grumbling)

You know what?
Instead, I'll show you this.

This is how I really broke my arm.

("Faith" plays)


♪ I guess it would be nice ♪

♪ if I could touch your body ♪

♪ I know not everybody ♪

♪ has got a body like you ♪

♪ ohhh ♪

All: Oh! (Laughter)

Oh, man!

I wanted that easy "A,"
but this is so much better.

Well, sorry, pal. I was rooting for you.

No, you weren't.

That's right.

'Cause I always root for science.

♪ Baby ♪


So... now you know the truth.

Changes nothing.

All you did was expose yourself
as a Wham! Fan.

Technically, it's
George Michael's solo effort.

But... probably not your point.

Um, so, it's Friday night.

See you at the treehouse?

Dude, what part of this don't you get?

No, I get it.

But you said it yourself...
We're more than just friends.

We're family.

And in my family, we fight, scream,

and make horrible mistakes
that go way too far.

But an hour later, we're fine.

That's what it means to be a Goldberg,

and, like it or not, you're one of us.

♪ I gotta have faith ♪

♪ because I gotta have
faith, faith, faith ♪

♪ I gotta have faith, faith, faith ♪

If you're looking for food,

I got your ban lifted at China Garden.

Enjoy your exotic new lives.

Bevy, we thought all about what you said,

and we're sorry.

How could you ever think
this family doesn't need you?

I mean, look at us!

We're a mess!

We'd be living under a rock
if it wasn't for you.

Well, you got a point there. (Chuckles)

We appreciate what you do for us.

And dad didn't even tell me to say that.

Thank you... honestly.

Now, what do you say
we have some real dinner?

And with that, a new
Goldberg tradition began...

Our Friday-night dinner at China Garden.


Big tasty pork... on the house.

We're glad you're back.

Barry: Oh!

- Murray: Hey, c-calm down.
- All right, good.

(Knock on door)

Emmy: Hey, Klutz.

So... you don't hate me?

After showing that tape,

you're gonna need
all the friends you can get.

Just... don't ever lie to me again.

I swear it on our friendship.


So, how's the cast?

Oh, it's so itchy.

It's driving me crazy.

I have skinny fingers.
Let me see if I can help.

That's just tickling me. (Laughs)

That's the thing about family.

You fight, you yell, but in the end,

there's no one you'd rather
share Chinese with.

Emmy, there are some people
in your life right now

that you sort of have
these kind of crushes on.

Now, out of all these people,

is there anyone
you particularly like the most?

Do I have to say this on film?

Well, I mean, it's not gonna...
No one's gonna see it or anything.

Uh, I don't... I'm not sure
I can trust you with that.

Oh, you can trust me.

I'm telling you, Notre Dame's
gonna go all the way this year.

What, to some random bowl game?

There's never gonna be
a true National Champion

until we have a playoff system.

That's a good idea. They should do that.

(Scoffs) I was kidding!

They're never gonna do that!

What are you getting so excited?

Because you're aggravating me!

Stop aggravating him and come have dinner.

("Faith" plays) Erica!

Turn off the music and get down here!

♪ And when that love comes down ♪

♪ without devotion ♪

♪ well, it takes a strong man, baby ♪

♪ but I'm showin' you the door ♪

♪ 'cause I gotta have... ♪

- I have faith.
- What are you doing here?!

Your mom's making seafood pizza.
I can't miss that.

I swear to God, you better not
tell a soul about this.

Oh, no, no. This one's just for Dave Kim.

I'm serious. You tell no one.

Of course. I swear on our friendship.

What friendship?

So, it's more than that?

Get out!

♪ Maybe ♪