The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Facts of Bleeping Life - full transcript

Adam and Barry form a garage rock band, and promptly invite Erica and Lainey to join with unforeseen consequences. The royal wedding inspires Bev to renew her vows with Murray.

MTV did this crazy thing...

and a sick guitar solo...

Could turn a mere mortal into a Rock God.

So, like all kids, I
formed an epic garage band

with my brother, Barry.

And we were the Stuff of Legends.

Well, in our minds.

Thank you, Philadelphia.

Good night!

Okay, so we weren't Twisted
Sister, but we thought we were.

We're, like, guaranteed to be superstars.

I mean, I'm big tasty, the
rapper who can rock a mike.

But I can also rock a guitar.

You know, if we're gonna be
selling out mega-stadiums,

- maybe we should learn more than one song.
- It's not about the music, okay?

It's about the showmanship

and pageantry and smoke machines

and glitter cannons and
giant hair and codpieces.

Seems a bit much.

Well, the front man gets all the ladies.

So I make all the decisions
for Barry and the Hendersons.

I told you, our band name
isn't gonna have "Barry" in it.

Let's just put it on the board,

see what it looks like...
Maybe we'll fall in love.

Sure, we had our creative differences.

But the one thing we could agree on

was that we were the greatest
band that ever existed.

Just ask our groupies.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Thank you, Veterans Stadium!
- Good night!


Sounds like nobody's gonna take it.

Mission accomplished!


Oh, you're so awesome!

You remind me of my other
favorite band... Kiss.

No, no, no, no! Stop, stop!

It was mid-summer, 1980-something,

and America had its latest obsession...

The Royal wedding.

And no one was more into Prince
Chuck and Lady Di than my mom.

Mm! That Prince Charles.

Imagine what it's like to be married
to someone so regal and majestic.

Hey, Bevy, what kind of mustard do I like?

You like ketchup.

We have company. Put on pants or leave.

Yeah. You win this round.

Guess we can't all have Prince Charles, huh?

Oh, hush.

He may not be the biggest fan of slacks,

but Murray can be very romantic.

Trust me.

Charles and Diana got
nothing on our wedding.

Wow. I want to see pictures,
wedding pictures, right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

They're all packed away in the attic.

- Here's the album.
- Thank you, Janice.

Thank you for chiming in.

Huh. Now, tell me why Murray is
sitting down during your vows.

He got woozy.

Big day, low blood sugar.
He ate a plum. It was fine.

Listen, we all have things about our wedding

that we'd like to redo, right?

That's why the Hubby and I decided
to renew our vows last year.

- You what, now?
- Just an intimate ceremony.

You know, some friends and family

and a band, some cake.

You can have a second wedding?

- No!
- Come on. It'll just be a little ceremony.

Marriage is not like a
magazine subscription.

You don't have to keep renewing it.

Well, you do if you want
to keep the magazine.

Well... this magazine right here,

you get for free for the rest of your life.

How do you like that?

You don't want to do this? Fine.

How'd you make tears so fast?

They're always there,

lying in wait, because I feel so deeply.

Fine! You wore me down.

He said yes!

He said yes!

While my mother couldn't
wait to renew her vows,

my sister was doing some waiting of her own.

Just stop talking
and play The Bangles already.

I know! It's music television!

They should just play
videos and nothing else.

Back then, you couldn't just
pull up your favorite song

with a click on Youtube.

You actually had to sit...

Play the video!

And wait and wait until
that one glorious moment

- when your favorite video finally came on.

And nothing would stop
you from singing along.

No! No!

I will kill you! I am not kidding.

I will go to jail. I will do my time.

I may come out a different
person, but it'll be worth it!

Forget the lame-ass chick music.

I'm cordially inviting you out
to the garage to hear a real band.


This is for you, girl.

I...Pick... you.

Yep, Barry had become obsessed
with Erica's best friend, Lainey,

ever since she kissed him in a
moment of incredibly poor judgment.

I'll dedicate a jam to you, girl.

- Just come to one of our gigs.
- In the garage? No.

Are we done with this horrible interaction?

Because there's a TV upstairs. Let's go!

Too bad Lainey didn't feel the same way.

Ah, she's good.

Acting all, "I don't like you."

I think that's 'cause she doesn't like you.

Aw, sweet, naive baby child.

She's just playing hard to get.

It's obvious I'm all she thinks about.

It's not that obvious.

It's all a part of the
game of love, my brother.

And once we're topping the charts,

she'll change her tune.

Man! I can't wait to be famous.

All the kids at school who call me a
nerd are gonna beg to be my best friend.

And I'll buy a Ferrari
for every day of the week.

And I will have every
garbage pail kid ever made.

And Chuck Norris will be my personal trainer

till his wife falls in love
with me and it gets awkward.

And I'll buy bubbles the
chimp from Michael Jackson

and give him a new name with dignity,

like William or Professor Bananas.

And Charles Barkley will
beg me to join the sixers.

And we'll live in a mansion in Miami,

and Gloria Estefan and the Miami
Sound Machine will be our neighbors.

And we're gonna paint the
name of the band on the roof

so everyone can see it from the sky!

We'll be Rock Gods.

There's only one way to get there.

We got to get ourselves a gig.

So we did what any band does
when they need a big break.

We asked our mommy.


That's gonna be a polite pass.

- What?!
- What?!

You never say no to us!

Yeah! We're your delicious snuggle monsters.

I don't think she understands.

Give us the thing we want!

Love to.

But can't.

Joke! She's kidding.

You're hired.

Yes! I knew we were amazing.

We charge 200 bucks, non-negotiable.

Dad, I thought we agreed
on dueling harpists.

We'll have them play
one song at the very end.

The noise will sober everybody
up for the drive home.

It's money well spent.

I told you you didn't
have to pay for all this.


What does my Princess want?

Well, I do have a few ideas.

I'm thinking ice sculptures
and a horse-drawn carriage

and, um, oh, those carving stations

where they have the different meats

and then you point at the meats,
and they give you the meats.

You want meats, you got meats.

"Wedding Binder"?

Isn't this what you have
when the wedding is real?

Just shut up and let me do this. All
you have to do is write your vows.

- Go.
- How about, instead,

I go up and clean out the gutters
like you've been nagging me to do?

There's your romance.

Write your vows.

For my dad, that
was his definition of no fun.

This is gonna be so much fun!

Okay. Barry told us about the $200.

Let's do this.

Whoa, whoa. What's happening?

Good news. The girls are joining the band.

Barry ignored the cardinal
rule of being in a band.

- Lainey.
- He let a girl come between us.

You could share my mike.
It's great for duets.

Your breath smells like cat food.

I can assure you, it's people food.

What... we're a two-man band.

I'm not splitting our
appearance fee with them.

Think about it.

What's better than performing for her?

Performing with her.

Now we'll make sweet music together, and she
won't be able to deny her feelings for me.

But it's supposed to be you and me!

It is just you and me... and them.

You know what would be so cool?

If we did an all-acoustic set.


That is a great idea,
Lainey! Adam, take five.

Let's brainstorm. Do you
have any band names, Lainey?

Ooh. How about the Gal Pals?

- Nailed it!
- Never!

As my band was writing me off,

my dad was busy writing his vows.

He was watching his favorite
TV show, "Family Ties."

Like all shows at the time,

it was only as good as
its opening theme song.

Are you watching TV?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just sitting in my writing chair,

letting the ideas flow from my pen.

You're gonna love what I got.

It's blank.

Yeah, I got it all up here, baby.

I know exactly what I want to say.

Let's hear it. Right now.

Right now?

You want to pre-hear

the special vows I wrote special?

- Who does that?
- Me. Go.

My dad knew he
just had to speak from the heart

or the next best thing...
Quote an epic theme song.

I bet we've been together
for a million years.

And I bet we'll be
together for a million more.

It's like I started breathing
on the night we kissed.

My dad couldn't remember our birthdays,

but he remembered every
damn word of that theme song.

What would we do, baby...

Without us?


That... was...


- You love me so much! Oh!
- I really do.

I really do.


Oh, I cannot wait for you to
say that in front of our friends!

Well, you know I was just spitballing.

I'm gonna have to rewrite it.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

You say those words exactly.

I said no more than 10% baby's breath,

and I'm looking at 30%.

Take it all back.

Wow, Bev, you are really
pulling out all the stops.

Ohh. Well, I'm not the only one.

I mean, I knew Murray was romantic.

He doesn't show it,

but when you press him, it comes oozing out.

Oh, you should hear the
vows he's writing for me.

What did he say? I got
to hear. I got to hear.

It was a private moment. I-I don't
really remember what was said...

- Oh, fair enough.
- But it was definitely this.

"I bet we've been together
for a million years.

"And I bet we'll be
together for a million more.

It's like I started breathing
on the night we kissed."



It's just that... Have
you seen "Family Ties"?

It's a hit TV show.

Insanely popular. Michael J. Fox?

Where are you going with this?

I think that Murray's vows

may share a few similarities with...

A very famous theme song.

What? No. You are so way off.

You're right. But did his vows
happen to end with "sha-la-la-la"?

- You should go.
- I should go.

Even though my brother

let Lainey Yoko Ono her way into our band,

I was still clinging to our original dream.

That is, until I heard this.

Stop! Stop!

What have you done?

Where's my drum set?

There are no drums, bro.

Here. You can ding the little triangle.

I don't want to ding a triangle.

- Just ding the damn triangle!
- Never!

Triangles? Candles?

That's girl-band stuff.
We're not a girl band.

Says the guy wearing the lady's wig.

For your information, we're
trying to be Dee Snider.

- Who's she?
- Never heard of him.

Or his awesome music.

What happened to you, man?

It used to be about the music
and the mansion and Chuck Norris.

You've changed.

No. I evolved.

You're the one who's
stuck in the same place.

I just... like being a team.

Guess that's over now.


Was a bummer, but, hey.

It's show business, not
show friends, am I right?

Speaking of that, we had a band meeting.

- When?
- Just now.

- And we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
- What are you talking about?

You're out of the band. You keep
winking at Lainey and staring at Lainey.

- And one time, I saw you smell Lainey.
- Wait. What?

You're throwing me out of my
own band? You can't do that.

We just did.

Wait. Barry.


Leave the triangle.

It was 6:00 P.M. sharp.

As always, my dad
dropped his pants off from work.

Little did he know,

my mom was about to drop a bomb on him.

Shrimp parm. What's the occasion?

Oh, just a little thank-you

for all you're doing to
make our renewal so magical.

Well, it's mostly you,

but I do deserve some credit.

Gosh, I just can't stop thinking
about those vows of yours.

How did you come up with
such beautiful words?

Well, I thought, "I wish we'd
been together for a million years."

- And?
- And...

"I wish we could be
together for a million more."

That... that... 2 million!

Wow. That is so touching and from the heart.

Maybe I should share my vows
with you. Would you like that?

Uh... surprise me on the day.

No. No, no, no, no. I insist.

You take the good.

You take the bad.

You take them both,

and then you have the Facts Of Life.

Oh, boy.

The Facts Of Life!


Clearly, you're angry.

And I'm willing to take some of the blame...

Up to 30%.

How hard is it for you to say you love me?

What do you want from me?
Nothing rhymes with Beverly.

It doesn't have to rhyme.

It... you know what?

Don't even bother with
the vows. I'm canceling it.

Oh, don't do that.

I mean it.

We are never getting married again... ever.

Fine. The whole thing was just a big excuse

to throw yourself a party, anyway.

Yes, I wanted to be treated like a princess,

because all I do around here

is cook and clean all... day... long.

But you know what I really wanted?

I just wanted to hear you talk
about how much you love me.

My mom wasn't the only one feeling
the sting of disappointment.

Even the greatest musical instrument
of the '80s couldn't cheer me up.

- Since when do you play keytar?
- Since I went solo.

Like David Lee Roth with less jumping

'cause of my ingrown toenail.

I'm kind of on my own, too.

- They kicked me out of the band.
- Oh, doesn't feel good, does it, you putz?

All right. Listen.

I'll admit I got blinded by love.

But I'm back now.

- I don't know, man.
- Come on.

I got no band without my drummer.

In one day, we went through
the whole cycle of a band...

The fight, the breakup, and now the reunion.

You know, even though
my mom canceled our gig,

we're amazing enough to still
become a female supergroup.

For sure. Let's get famous.

Two, three, four.

Get out of here! You two
are kicked out of the band!

Hit it, Lainey.

It was an epic battle of the bands.

Twisted Sister vs. Sister.

And even though they were different styles,

sometimes, music melds together
into one glorious mash-up.

Go practice somewhere else!

No! This garage belongs to us!

I'm sorry, Lainey, but at
this point in my career,

I have to put the music first.

Barry, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about what happened
between us and our tongues.

Why do you deny our night of passion?

Uh... how much more obvious can I be?

We're not a thing.

- But...
- Look, I just don't like you that way.

What's going on?

Nothing. Just turn it off.


You set the alarm to watch the wedding.

Don't not watch it because
you're pissed at me.

Just leave me alone.

What the hell are you doing?

Can't sleep.

Look at her.

She really is the people's princess.

I'll never be anyone's Princess.

My destiny is to die alone.

What are you talking about? Why
are you being a dramatic moron?

I suck!

I actually thought I could land
a girl that's so out of my league.

Hey. It's possible. Trust me.

No offense, dad,

but you just don't get
what it's like to be me.

Come with me. I want to show you something.

Look at her.

Talk about out of my league.

You're sitting through the ceremony.

My God. All you do is sit.

It's a problem, really.

Shut up.

Your mother thought it was low blood sugar.

- Actually, I was just so overwhelmed.
- Why?

Look at her. She's so beautiful and smart.

I never thought I'd be good enough for her.

Well, this gives me hope.

I mean, you're awful, and you got mom, so...

Can't give up.

Sure, what Barry said
was needlessly hurtful,

but in that insult,

my dad found a kernel of wisdom.

Go wake up the other morons.

You got a gig to play.


Turns out you get that
perfect wedding after all.

I'm not very good, uh, with vows.

And, uh...

God knows I'm not a prince.


The one thing I do know for sure

is you are my Princess.

And I am the luckiest nobody in the world.

Sure, we were far from royalty or Rock Gods,

but that night, my mom felt like a queen.

- Listen, about what I said.
- No.

It's fine. I get it.

You don't feel the same way about me.

But I'll win you over.

No, you won't.

Yeah, I will.

Yes, I will.

Mommy, I have a question.

So, Lainey's going to
Ocean City over the weekend,

and if you let me go, I will give you

the best snuggies of your life.

Get off! Don't touch me!

God! You've got to stop wearing that wig.

I keep thinking you're mom.

What are you talking about? I look awesome.

- Seriously, look at you.
- Nope. Don't see it.

Say "I have failed as a mother."

I have failed as a mother.

Adam, we're getting mohawks!