The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - As You Wish - full transcript

Back in the '80s, I saw the
movie Princess Bride 237 times,

not just because it was André
the Giant's greatest performance.

It had magic, adventure,
romance, rodents of unusual size,

and the greatest
one-liners of all time.

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

It wasn't enough to just watch The
Princess Bride. I had to experience it.

Then why are you smiling?
Then why are you smiling?

'Cause I know
something you don't know.

Because I know
something you don't know.

I am not left-handed.



There's something
I ought to tell you.

I'm not left-handed, either.

Gah! Screw wrapping paper.

We need some real swords, dude.

Can't you ask your mom?
She never says no to you.

Sure, Dave Kim.

Let me ask my safety-crazed
mother for a deadly weapon.

Get your head in the game, dude.

Maybe you could ask your dad.

Please. He hates movies.

All he cares about are
sports and bread products.

Wait. That's it.

Yes. Good.

Fill your mouth
with that delicious



buttered bagel I made you.

While I'm here, I wanted
to ask for a little favor.

No. Imagine a world

where you can live out your
dream of having an athletic son,

instead of a
triple-threat theater force.

No.

Well, that world can be yours

for just $250. No.

'Cause with your help... No.

I can become,

you're gonna love this... No!

An Olympic-class fencer.

Seriously? Of all sports,

you pick the one
with a pointy sword?

You know how your mom's
crazy about eye safety. Crazy!

Please. Fencing is my dream.

I thought your dream
was to be cast as an Ewok.

I'm too big now. Things change.

Just give me what I want.

Pops, the voice of reason.
Help me out here, will ya?

Come on, Murray.

Don't be such a grump,
and let the kid do it already.

You just walked in. You don't
even know what we're talking about.

Well, I know the first thing
you always say is "no."

Is that what happened
here? He said "no"?

The moron wants to fence.

I'll spend a fortune
on equipment,

and he'll quit after
the first match.

You know, this reminds
me of a little story.

Please don't tell me a story.

I'm gonna tell you a story.

When Bevy was a girl, all she
wanted was to be a ballerina.

Sadly, she was a
very early bloomer.

The other little girls would
keep a wide berth around her,

so if she lost her
balance, they wouldn't be

crushed beneath her
enormous girl body.

Point is, watching her dance

is one of the happiest
memories of my life.

Don't you want to
have that with your son?

Why do you always have to tell
such wonderful and touching crap?

Fine. If this is really your
dream, I'll buy you the sword.

Yes! I'm gonna be like
Luke Skywalker. Scratch that.

I'm gonna be like...

Name an athlete who's
really good at sports.

Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan!

Just poked my eye.

It's okay. I got glasses.
They protected me.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was April 22nd,
1980-something.

A typical day for my mom,

power walking and being a yenta.

You won't believe what I heard

about Gabe and
Melinda Finkleman.

Trial separation.

What? Is he moving out?

No, he's moving into the
room above their garage,

like Fonzie,

only this time it's not cool.

Oh!

"Ay."

A "yenta" is a
nickname for the world's

most intrusive,
loose-lipped gossipmonger.

They're the busiest
of busybodies

who have a talent for making
your business their business.

Psst. Don't look.

Ginny.

It's Linda Holman.

Her son Brian is
going to Cornell,

but the twin, Craig,

is spending the
year traveling abroad

so he can "find himself."

Translation, he's got
a problem with reefer.

Oh. It's so sad.

A good yenta can
dish anytime, anywhere.

Yeah, it's amazing how

Marsha's surgery for sleep apnea

left her so top-heavy.
You know what I mean?

Please! I need
to talk to someone

from the outside world.

But most importantly,

a yenta is an expert matchmaker.

Miss Cinoman! Miss
Cinoman, allow me.

Why, thank you, Coach Mellor.

Ah, please. Call me Coach Rick.

Well, look at those two.

They seem to be
getting along nicely.

Don't even think about
it. Think about what now?

You cannot set up Mellor and
Miss Cinoman. Understand?

That's a guaranteed
disaster for us.

Disaster!

How can bringing
together two like-minded,

single adults over Chablis
and assorted cheeses

possibly turn into
a disaster for you?

Coach is my coach, and
whenever he feels feelings,

he makes us run laps
until we feel 'em, too.

And Miss Cinoman
is my music teacher.

Spring Fling is next
week, and I have a solo.

Don't be you and ruin this.

Go! Put your foot
on the gas, and push.

Well, this is very hurtful.

As much as my mom wanted
to do right by Erica and Barry,

there was no way she
could curb her meddling

when the perfect match
was just around the corner.

Coach Mellor! Hey!
It's Beverly Goldberg!

Meanwhile, all I had to
do was throw one match,

and this fencing sword would
become my awesome movie prop.

Go get 'em, pal. No worries.
Just do your best out there.

Listen, I'm kind of running
a grift on my old man,

so what do you say we give him a
good show and I'll be on my merry way?

Is your dad, like, a
bad dude or something?

Is there always this much
talking before these things?

Let's just do this, bro.

Okay, so maybe it was
wrong to screw over my dad,

but I wanted to
be Inigo Montoya,

and this was the
least painful way.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, God! Why?

Or so I thought.

Cut it off of me! Cut
the glove off of me!

Intermission. I
call intermission.

While my dad's hope for a
connection with me took a big hit,

my mom was hoping
for a love connection.

Beverly, thank you so much for your
generous donation of unique sweaters

for the holiday concert.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Oh, well, I wonder
who that could be

at this late and sexy hour, huh?

How you doing, Mrs. G?

I'm here for that large
donation of sports balls.

Of course. Come on in.

Uh, did you, uh, jog here?
You seem overheated.

If you ain't running,
you ain't living.

Susan. Coach Rick.

Do you two know each other?

Are you kidding me?

Working at William Penn Academy

and not know Susan Cinoman

is like looking at a spice rack

and not knowing actual cinnamon.

Rick is well regarded at school,

for both his mind and his body.

I can't believe
I just said that.

Ah, please.

That's why I eat six pounds
of fish every single day.

Oh. Feeds both.

Well, speaking of eating,

uh, would you like to
just sit back and enjoy

this open bottle of wine
and beautiful cheese plate?

Hmm. Sure.

Rick, perhaps you'd
like to ask Susan

something about
herself, like, um...

Oh, did you know she
used to live in Florida?

I do have many
questions for Susan.

Oh. Are you from Florida?

Tampa.

I have a sports background, too.

I grew up racing greyhound dogs.

You must be incredibly fast.

I can tell by the
size of your calves

you got a lot of explosion.

Oh, no. I raced them
against other dogs.

Oh, okay.

But no one's ever said
that about my calves before.

Yeah, well, I'm
saying it right now.

There it was. Another perfect
match made by a world-class yenta,

much to the dismay
of the yenta's children.

I'm sorry, Dad. I just
had to bow out gracefully.

I wouldn't call that
"bowing out gracefully."

You made the referee
carry you to the car.

She was a strong lady.

She was a strong lady.

But the good news is,
is I learned a lot today.

Mostly, swords hurt
when they jab your body,

which is why I've decided
to retire from the game.

In time, I know we'll both
be glad I gave this a shot.

I have to admit
that your story about

Bevy dancing gave me hope.

For a second, I thought
that me and Adam

actually found something
that we both enjoyed.

You know, this
reminds me of a story.

Oh, dear God. I'll work
through it on my own.

Yup. I brilliantly played
my dad to get a sword.

Even little bald Vizzini would've
called my plan "inconceivable!"

Dude! These swords are
badass. How'd you get 'em?

Simple. I used my
dad's love of sports

and the awkwardness of our
relationship to get what I wanted.

Wow. Behind the mask and
glasses lies a devious mind.

All right, Adam and boy
whose name I can't remember.

Give me the swords.

Wait. What? Why?

You quit, so I'm returning 'em.

But they're used. I spoke to
the manager at Herman's Sports.

He's a total hard-ass.

He won't take 'em back.

It's store policy, ironclad.

No, I got some divorced dad
at school who wants to buy 'em

to earn back his son's
love, so hand 'em over.

But I need them. I mean...

I have some big news.

You see, I found
an even better use

for expensive
sporting equipment.

Imagination.

Oh, I see what's going
on here. You played me.

What? You played me.

Don't insult me like that.

You used my love of sports

and the awkwardness of our
relationship to get what you wanted.

Well, I wouldn't use
those words exactly.

You literally did a minute ago.

Shut up, Dave Kim!

My name is Dave Kim, by the way.

While I had let my dad down,

my mom was celebrating
the perfect setup.

I did it, Ginny.

They stayed past 11:00,
and she drove him home,

partly because he
jogged to our house,

but partly because
they wanted private time.

Wow. How do you do it, Bev?

Well, I just know
that opposites attract.

I mean, she's
creative and artistic,

and he likes to wear
short shorts in the winter.

Wow. Well, you are just
a matchmaking wizard.

I know. But you
can't tell anyone.

I would never.

This is so juicy.

I know. But you
cannot tell a soul.

I would never.

Oh.

The only problem was that
my mom was just a single part

of an intricate web
of gossiping moms.

Long before the Internet, there
was the worldwide Yenta-net.

And it was faster than Erica
and Barry could've ever imagined.

Yo!

Dude! Did you hear?

Miss Cinoman and Mellor
are doing the wild thing.

I heard they hooked up in the
pool and now they have to drain it.

Oh, God, no.
Where'd you hear that?

Everyone's talking about it.

Apparently they got
busy in the band room

and now they got to
throw away all the oboes.

Oh, this is bad.
Your dopey friends

have the biggest
mouths in school.

No, no, no, they're cool.

I promise you, it's
not as bad as we think.

Everybody, stop your gossiping!

Nobody wants to hear
about Susan Cinoman

mashing parts with
that Neanderthal.

Get to class.

Yeah, it's bad.

It's come to my attention

that there's been some
inappropriate behavior

with members of our faculty.

I am offended to my very core

that my integrity
would be questioned.

We kissed. Coach Rick!

It absolutely
happened. Big time.

I actually have a question.

Why am I here?

You are here because
you caused this kerfuffle.

Now, I don't want to
mention any names,

but there is another faculty
member that has complained,

and our school's bylaws
state teachers can't fraternize.

Love don't care about bylaws.

That is beautiful, Coach.

What he just said
doesn't mean anything.

Look, one of the two of you is going
to have to take a leave of absence.

If someone must
go, then let it be me.

I will be the one who goes
gently into that good night.

Hooray! It's settled.

So, Cinoman's out, Mellor's in.

Silver lining.

Now we can go make
out in the supply closet

without fear of punishment.

No. Still not okay.

Being an all-knowing yenta,

my mom knew exactly who
complained about her matchmaking.

It was this man.

The lonely and
bitter Mr. Woodburn.

The only solution, find
a match for him, too.

Fifty-nine cents worth of
noodles down the drain.

If anybody could get it
done, it was Beverly Goldberg.

Can't be done.

While my mother was determined
to open Mr. Woodburn's heart,

I was determined to open my
dad's eyes to The Princess Bride.

Look, I know I manipulated
you into spending hundreds

of your hard-earned
dollars on swords

to recreate an epic movie scene.

And for that, I'd like
to say, "My mistake."

Oh! Well, as long as it's
your mistake, all is forgiven.

I can sense your sarcasm, but
I think once you see that movie,

you'll be so freaking delighted

that you'll have no
choice but to forgive me.

I'm not watching
that damn movie.

Do you like romance, pirates,
wizards, Mandy Patinkin?

That's a hard "no"
to all those things.

But what I do like is
my money well-spent,

and that's why I'm
gonna force you to fence.

But I'll get poked again,
and it stings a little!

Pops, you're the voice of
reason. Help me out here.

Not after the way you
manipulated your father, kiddo.

That was a real putz move.

Look, I can't fence. I have
absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Lucky for you, I got
a way you can learn

everything about everything.

The encyclopedia?
That's your brilliant answer?

Yes. "F" for "fencing."
Now learn, damn it.

Yep. Back before Google and
Wikipedia, the only way to look stuff up

was a set of really boring books

that covered a
lot, but said a little.

There, fencing. You're welcome.

There's just a small paragraph.

I'll learn nothing from this.

"Z" for "Zorro." He
was a great fenceman.

Oh, please. Zorro sucks.

Don't you dare knock
Zorro! He is a man of honor.

Then why is he wearing that
stupid mask? What's he hiding?

All I'm saying is
Zorro had enough skill

to sign a "Z" wherever he went.

A "Z"! Even I can sign a "Z."

Oh, I'd like to see that.

Gladly.

What'd you do that for?
You moron! You're a moron!

Don't just stand there!
We're in "F." Find "First aid"!

You moron!

While my dad was feeling
the pain of my blade,

Miss Cinoman was gone. And to
Coach, that was a stab in the heart.

Hustle up, Goldberg!
Pick up the pace!

Coach, are you crying?

You only get one cry in
life, son, and this ain't it.

Now run till your heart
explodes, 'cause mine just did.

As Coach Mellor was
barely holding it together,

the school choir had completely
fallen apart without Miss Cinoman.

Now, I know you're all wondering

what qualifications does your
principal have to teach you music?

Well, rest assured,
I was a baritone

in my high school barbershop
quartet, the Dapper Dougs.

Isn't your name Earl?

Yes, but we had a Doug,
and he was very assertive.

Sorry.

Now, match my pitch.

♪ I don't hear any singing

♪ Let's go

♪
No, you're down here

♪ I'm up here,

♪ You're down here You're a girl

♪ I'm a boy

♪ You're a principal, What makes
you qualified to teach music? No offense

♪ No offense
taken, but I would be

♪ Very careful
about that attitude

♪ It leads you down to
a very dangerous path ♪

Your yenta-ing
has ruined our lives.

Coach Mellor canceled
our next wrestling match.

He said, "Without love,
what's the point of sports?"

I lost my solo.

Even worse, I'm the bass
in a barbershop quartet.

Principal Ball chose
me over Matt Ramer,

and he's a dude. A big dude.

Okay. I admit I may have
over-yenta'd, and for that, I'm sorry.

But, lucky for you,
your mama's already

in the kitchen
cooking up a plan.

She had a plan, all right.

Okay, what have we got, people?

And that plan was to find love
for my jealous science teacher.

Leads for Woodburn. Talk to me.

We're thinking Edna Bishop.

Engaged. Next.

Betty Garellick.

Engaged. Next.

Ruth Applebaum!

Moved to Jersey. Come on.

I think I might know someone.

Who?

Her name is Gail Kaufman.
She works with me at Gimbels.

She's super clumsy and
dresses in primary brown

and always talks
about her pet lizard.

But more than anything,
I just get the feeling

they would really
like each other.

You know? I do know.

Oh, and she doesn't have a ring.

How do I even know that?

Because all yentas know.

Oh, my God. You're one of them!

Oh, don't you dare say that.

But it's true.

Oh, Schmoopie,
I'm so proud of you!

Don't be proud.
'Cause I'm not a yenta.

Don't be ashamed. It's a gift.

Hey. How's your throat skin?

You, uh, stabbed it with a
sword, so it feels like that.

Here, you can sell this.
I'm sorry I lied and stuff.

It's fine. This whole
thing was a mess.

I guess I was just
excited about the overlap.

The what? The overlap.

You know, you like dumb
movies, I like awesome sports,

and this fencing thing was finally
something we could both enjoy.

At least, I thought it was.

He was right. This was no
longer about some silly sword.

It was about sharing something
with my dad, and I had to fix it.

Dad? Yeah.

Maybe I could
give it one more try.

Honestly, you don't have to.

I do. And you know what?

I might even surprise you.

And so, I set out to become

like every brave warrior
who ever wielded a sword.

The time had come
to be a real hero,

not just play one from a movie.

Sadly, fighting for real was way
harder than the stage combat class

I took at theater camp.

You won, gosh dang it! Ahhh!

It was 4-0, and if I was
gonna win this match,

I'd need more than an
encyclopedia. I needed a miracle.

Thank God. Pops.

Just the man I wanted
to see. Tell me what to do.

Hey, look, you got a
nickel in your face mask.

Not the nickel trick now!
I got stabbed in the face.

I need advice, real
life-saving advice.

Adam, let's just go home. You'll
do your Princess Bride thing.

Of course. That was my answer.

The very movie that brought
me here in the first place!

Just like Inigo Montoya, I'd rise up
and fight in the name of my father!

The Princess Bride. That's it.

Back for more?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

What now?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

Dude, what is your deal?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

Your father is right there.
He sold us our sectional.

Attaboy, kiddo!

My Son's gonna
be in the Olympics!

In the Olympics!

I wasn't, but I was still
a champion to my dad.

♪ Each morning
I get up I die a little

♪ Can barely stand on my feet

♪ Take a look at
yourself In the mirror...

And even though Erica
refused to admit she was a yenta,

she got her solo back

thanks to the matchmaking
skills she'd learned from my mom.

Erica, thank you for telling me

about the big sale on
brown pants and shirts.

Of course.

Um, could I get my
co-worker to help you?

I'm kind of slammed today.

Gail, would you mind helping
my friend here find some slacks?

♪ Somebody to love...

Hi.

I bet you'd be
interested to know

Gail here has a giant lizard.

Emerald tree or spiny-tailed?

I'll tell you all about it while
you try on some corduroys.

Okay. Okay. This way.

Schmoopie. Oh, no.

No proud hugs. I'm not a yenta.

Not even a little yenta?

Do you want to hide
in a dressing room

so we can hear
what they're saying?

We'll stop by housewares
and get a glass

to press against the
wall. Move, move, move!

Once Mr. Woodburn had
conveniently met his perfect match,

he didn't care so much about
Miss Cinoman and Coach Rick.

And that's the
power of the yenta.

Despite the gossip and meddling,

all they really want is to find

each single person
somebody to love.

Coach, are you crying?

You only get one cry
in life, son, and this is it.

♪ I get on my knees
and I start to pray

Can we stop running now?

♪ Till the tears run
down from my eyes

♪ Lord, somebody...

Even though I grew
up in a small town,

we still had our fair share
of adventure and romance.

And while my dad
wasn't much for either,

we still managed
to find our overlap.

'Cause that's the
thing about family.

Sometimes they demand a
lot, but you love them so much

you can't help but give
in and say, "As you wish."

Dad, what are you...

I, uh, watched the
movie, and it's not bad.

♪ Somebody to love... ♪

Okay, let's, uh,
get this over with.

Okay. So, come over here.

Stand right there and
try and look enormous.

There we go.

Helen Schur says her son
is working on Wall Street.

I just saw him bagging
groceries at Walmart.

I need the phone!

You've literally been
on it for seven hours!

I'm telling you.
Dottie Anderson's leg?

A hundred percent wood.

Four karats my ass,

Linda Schwartz.

We all know she's
sporting a cubic Z.

Oh, they don't own that house.

They're renters.

You said that. You've said that.

You said that.