The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - Just Say No - full transcript

Anyone who has a
big brother will tell you

that quality time
together looks like this.

But my brother, Barry,
took it to another level.

Atomic elbow drop!

Come here!

Most big brothers were content
with wedgies and noogies,

but not mine.

There was the butt hat...

Look, your new
hat fits perfectly.

The waffle belly...

Smells like home cooking.



Why are you like this?

We're gonna get some waffles!

And the one I wouldn't
wish on my worst enemy,

the jock-xygen mask.

Yeah. Breathe it in.

And like any tormenter,
Barry fell in love with a show

that made beating
people up an art form.

That hurt. That hurt.

What are you watching?

American Gladiators.

It mixes showbiz, patriotism,

and spandex for a
trifecta of viewing pleasure.

They pit grossly muscular
warriors with cartoonish names

against accountants and dental
hygienists in feats of strength.



Wow. So many new and creative
ways for people to hurt each other.

And Barry wasted
no time using those

new and creative
ways to hurt someone.

Me. Why?

You've been gladiated.

That's not even a word.

Whoo!

Yep, Barry didn't just
watch Gladiators, he lived it.

When he'd hang out
with the Jenkintown posse,

it's all they talked about.

Whoo!

Goldberg! Reigning
champion of Powerball.

You destroyed that food! Yeah!

And you scratched my retina.

I'm unstoppable! I
own this parking lot!

Sure do, bro.

Oh, crap.

It was the Meadowbrook mafia,

a rival wannabe posse
from the next town over.

The Meadowbrook mafia.
Those guys are crazy.

Yo, I know their leader.

He got kicked out of my tennis
camp for disruptive behavior.

Look who it is. The
Jenkinturd posse.

Shut up, Bradley. You
know it's Jenkintown.

Hey, why don't you
take your ice cream

and go back to that
stupid Friendly's parking lot

you always hang out at? - Can't.

It got converted to
a daycare center,

and they don't take
too kindly to loiterers.

That means we got to kick
your lame crew out of here.

Lame?

We got Madman
Schwartz, Naked Rob,

and the original ladies'
man, Andy Cogan.

Hide your sisters, boys.

But, truth be told,
I respect women.

You got nothing on my crew.

We got Psycho Mikowitz,
diagnosed with mild depression.

It's a constant numbness, yo.

That's Josh Millstein-Chang.

Yes, of Millstein-Chang Toyota.

And Subaru.

And that's Dumb Doug.

Don't be fooled. It's
an ironic nickname.

Brandeis early
admission, Holmes!

So beat it or eat it. - Hey.

Everyone knows
that the JTP territory

runs from this Wawa all the
way down to that weird church.

Not anymore.

Boop! MIKOWITZ: Ooh!

Sweet treat to the face!

Come on, Barry. Do something.

Don't take that,
man. Go. Come on.

That's what I thought.

For the first time in his life,

Barry was faced with an
opponent that he couldn't defeat

with a butt hat
or a waffle belly.

Let's go, boys.

He booped me.

He booped an ice
cream cone on my nose,

and I just stood
there and took it.

There's no coming
back from that.

Oh, yes, there is.

Back in the army, I was
a welterweight boxer.

Now, I can teach
you everything I know,

but it's gonna take a
lot of hard work and...

Enough! ADULT ADAM:
But Barry didn't like hard work.

He liked stupid,
convoluted plans.

There's only one
logical thing to do.

I will become nationally known
as television's greatest warrior,

and that parking
lot will be mine.

I thought we were gonna
do a whole thing together.

We are not. Adam!

Whatever it is, no.

Now, go get your
nerdy video camera.

I gotta make myself
an audition tape.

Why would I help you? All you
do is make my life a living hell.

If you don't help me, it'll get
a lot worse. Mark my words.

There'll be no butt
un-wedgied, no willy un-wetted,

and no nurple un-purpled.

It'll be a 24-hour-a-day,
full-body beat down.

Fine. I'll do it.

Yes! Time to get pumped!

Celebratory butt hat!

No!

This is not a celebration.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was November
2nd, 1980-something,

and the presidential
election between

Reagan and Mondale
was heating up.

But the real debate
was in our living room.

Everything you're
saying is wrong.

There's only one
choice, and it's Mondale.

That nerd can't
compete with Reagan.

Reagan likes jelly beans.

He's got the hair
of a Greek god.

What's not to like?

Well, I care about the issues.

There's only one issue
that matters in this race,

and that's taxes.

Mondale specifically
said he would raise them.

That's all you care
about? Taxes?

Yes!

Why do you think we had
Adam? He was a write-off.

Murray, change the
channel. T. J. Hooker is on.

Mom, we're talking about
important issues right now.

Who are you gonna vote for?

Murray, who am I gonna vote for?

Reagan. Reagan.

Mom, you can't just blindly
follow what Dad says.

Your father makes me a little
cheat sheet. What do you call it, Mur?

"Murray's picks."
"Murray's picks."

How do you not care
about the world at all?

What are you doing trying
to rile up your mother?

What's wrong? You afraid I'm
gonna make mom a free thinker,

and inspire her to go
make a real difference? Yes!

Whenever she gets
passionate about something,

she makes me do stuff.

And the last thing I
want to do in life... Stuff.

Mom, this affects all of us.

Mondale's vice president
will be Geraldine Ferraro,

a woman in the White House.

Oh, wow. Amazing. It really is.

I mean, that Heather Locklear
sure has a way with a feather brush.

Her hair doesn't even move
when she kicks a gang member.

While Erica was trying to educate
my mom about the outside world,

my delusional brother was
ready to show the universe

just how tough he really was.

Okay.

Now it's time for me to
demonstrate my superiority

in all the official
American Gladiator events.

Roll camera.

Go ahead. Take a
whack at my face.

Wait. You want me to hit
you, and you won't hit back?

Oh, no.

I will stand here
like a steel mountain.

After a lifetime of
taking Barry beatings,

it was finally my
turn to dish it out.

Stop! Ow!

That's too much! Ow!

I'm biting my tongue!

Ow!

Right in the ear hole! Time out!

Years of bottled-up
anger came flooding out,

and it felt amazing.

Next up... The Assault.

Ahhh! I wasn't ready!

You think Nitro's gonna wait
till you're ready? Now dance.

Hold fire! Stop! Ow!

That hurts! Stop!

Stop! Hold fire! Ow!

I now give you the
Human Cannonball.

Let's do this!

Three, two, one.

Did you at least get the shot?

The lens cap was on.
We should go again.

Read it.

It's everything you need
to know about the election.

Or I could do
something meaningful,

and bake my special double-marshmallow,
fudgy-nut butterscotch bars.

No. There's a whole
world outside of this house.

Don't you want to
make it a better place

for your children
and grandchildren?

Aw. You're gonna
give me grandbabies.

You're not pregnant now?

No! Mom, focus. You
need to get political.

This is exactly why I
joined the politics club

and signed up for
the mock debate.

I thought you said the kids in that
club were disturbing to the senses.

Yeah. That club's
like God's junk drawer.

Point is, my stock at school is
plummeting, and I don't even care.

That's how much this matters.

So please, just give it a read.

All right, all right.

If it means that much
to you, I'll give it a look.

All Erica wanted to
do was teach my mom

that politics could
change the world.

Unfortunately, Beverly Goldberg
was a much more eager student

than Erica expected.

Oh, my God! What?

Schmoo, there is a woman

who's gonna change
the course of our nation,

and I need to get behind her.

Geraldine Ferraro?

Nancy Reagan! Say what, now?

I mean, she is a real spitfire

with a killer fashion sense.

You know, not everyone can
pull off a red skirt suit like us.

Forget the suit. What
about the actual politician?

Geraldine Ferraro?

That woman with the
awful bowl cut? Blech!

Don't you "blech" her.

It's not about her hair.
It's about her issues.

Well, her number-one
issue should be that hair.

Her hair is fine! I agree
it's not great, but it's fine.

Nancy is just like me.
She calls all the shots.

She loves kids.
She hates crack rock.

She even has her own
anti-drug campaign.

"Just Say No."

"Just Say No"?

Just Say, "No."

I didn't know it was that easy.

Let me just call Betty Ford and
tell her to shut the clinic down.

I think I'm gonna go down
to the local campaign office,

and start handing out
"Just Say No" T-shirts.

I cannot thank you enough for
opening my eyes to this, Erica.

I hate drugs so much.

But I love you.

Erica had lit a spark in my mom,

and it was about to
spread like wildfire.

Hello, and welcome to the
mock presidential debate.

You suck!

Mike Safris is Reagan.

Erica Goldberg is
Miss Walter Mondale.

But before we begin,
we have a special guest

who has forced me to allow her
to speak on behalf of our first lady,

Mrs. Goldberg.

Oh, sweet dear
Lord in heaven, no.

Look at me, boopie.
I'm all political.

That's right. In the world's
most misguided attempt

to make Erica proud, my mom
had gotten politically active.

Set it up like we rehearsed.

Way, way too active.

Hello, teens.

I'd like to speak to you about Nancy
Reagan's "Just Say No" campaign

through a little role-playing
scenario that I wrote myself.

Hi, popular football player.

I'm a local tough

who slings dope cigarettes
outside this very high school.

Would you like drugs?

What will I do?

My teenage mind is soft

and easily persuaded by peer
pressure and the need to fit in.

For the next 35 minutes,

my mom passionately inhabited
the role of Spider, the drug pusher,

in what became the most
embarrassing moment of my sister's life.

Be cool, homey.

I've got booger sugar,
goofballs, poppers,

uppers, downers, ludes,
wammers, and jammers.

What do you say, impressionable
teenager? Let's chase the dragon.

No. I just say no to drugs.

And scene.

Vote Reagan, everyone.

Wow. Well, thank you very
much for that, Mrs. Goldberg.

Unfortunately, we no longer
have time for our debate.

What?

Yep. Erica realized
our dad was right.

You never, ever
encourage Beverly Goldberg.

After the debate,
Erica thought my mom

was done with her war on drugs.

Unfortunately, she
was just getting started.

Again, nothing.

We have some books,
lacrosse sticks, scissors, glue.

You sad, naive man.

What's this, Keith Richards? You
gonna sniff it so you can trip out?

Would that work?

Mom, what are you doing?

Locker searches?
Are you kidding me?

The whole school
is calling me a narc.

"Narc" is just another
word for "hero."

I'm getting involved, just like
you said. I just love politics.

This has nothing
to do with politics.

Nancy Reagan isn't
running for president.

She's just a clueless
housewife, like you.

Now, stop ruining
my life and go home.

I think she's on the glue stick.

Erica was desperately trying
to crush my mom's enthusiasm.

Be careful with that tape. It's
gonna make my brother famous.

Meanwhile, I was
sending off a package

that would crush Barry's dreams.

I hate to break it to
you, but I saw that tape.

I don't think it shows your
brother in the best light.

Don't worry. It'll get Barry on
America's greatest TV show,

just not the one you think.

We will show no
clip before it's time.

It's time.

That happy father
got punched in the

pistachios by a
toddler for no reason.

This show changes
everything I know about funny.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, you already got to beat
Barry up in the backyard all afternoon.

Do you really need to
humiliate him on national TV?

One afternoon of
hitting him with a stick

doesn't make up for a lifetime
of waffle bellies and butt hats.

By tomorrow, Barry's
bruises will have healed,

but revenge like
this stays forever.

But at what price?

Ten grand if I win.

Yo! Ad-Rock!

How's editing going?

Did you add in those fireballs and
karate-chop sound effects like I asked?

Oh, yeah. It was so good,
I already shipped it off.

Without even
showing it to me first?

I didn't have a choice.
The deadline was tomorrow.

Way to think ahead, man.

Once I get on
American Gladiators,

the Meadowbrook mafia will
bow down to my awesomeness,

and be forced to give
us our parking lot back.

Sounds like an airtight plan.

I know I don't say this a lot,
but you really are a good brother.

You really don't
need to thank me.

That's why I decided to
get you a little something.

Here.

That's the first
day we ever met.

Mom and Dad said they were
bringing me a gift back from the hospital,

and it turned out to be you.

You were the
greatest gift I ever got.

Oh.

That's too nice for
the circumstances.

I'm gonna go hang
out by the phone

and wait for the
Gladiators to call.

You're the best, Ad-Rock.

We need to get that tape back.

While I was determined
to right my wrong,

my mom was
determined to show Erica

she was anything but
a clueless housewife.

My God!

What horrible thing is
happening in my house right now?

Something glorious.

Your mother is going to
single-handedly get The Gipper re-elected.

You can't get Reagan
re-elected just to spite me.

Oh, I can, and I will.

I will change the
course of history

just to show you
how clue-ful I am.

So you'd turn this great country
into a nightmarish hellscape

just to prove a point?

Oh, yes, but it will
be a magical land

where President Reagan gives
every American free jelly beans,

a world where sons
just say no to drugs,

and daughters say yes to
respecting their mothers.

You know, for
the last two years,

all I've cared about is boys and
clothes and what my friends think.

And for once, I got excited
about something real.

I thought that I could
make a difference

and get people to
see the world like I do.

But you've proved that I can't
even do that with my own mom.

So...

Thanks for ruining
the only thing

I've cared about in a long time.

While my mom had realized
just how much she hurt Erica,

I was hoping Pops could
help me from hurting Barry.

Oh, thank God.

How did it go at
the post office?

Did you seduce the mail
lady with your charms?

She was built like
a steamer trunk.

I'm not going out that way, kid.

What am I gonna do? I've
called Bob Saget 100 times.

His people are icing me out.

I hate to say it, but I think you're
gonna have to bite the bullet,

and tell Barry what you did.

I can't do that.

He's your brother.
He'll understand.

I will murder your face!

Relax! There's no way Bob
Saget will pick your tape.

All you did was get
relentlessly hit in the nose,

head, face, testicles...

Oh, God. He is gonna pick it.

That's it! You are no
longer my favorite gift!

Aw, don't say that.

That honor now goes to
the stilts I got for my birthday.

I can't believe
you did this to me.

What did you expect?

I was sick of getting
dead-legged and my belly waffled.

It really hurts.

And my skin doesn't bounce
back the way it once did.

But beating you up is our thing.

How is violence
upon me our thing?

That's how we bond. What
else am I supposed to do?

Give you a hug?

Yes! A hug would be nice.

A hug would feel
good on my body.

Nipple cripples are my way
of showing you love. Okay?

It's how I hug you.

But after this, I'm never
beating you up again!

Oh, come on. You
don't mean that.

Give me a nipple cripple. Never!

You'll never feel the painful
sting of my touch again.

Now, leave my room
quietly and safely.

And, please, watch your fingers.

Barry would never forgive me

for making a hilarious mockery
of his Gladiator audition,

but I had a way to change that.

What do you want?

Hey.

I know you're mad,
and you deserve to be.

But there's something
you need to see.

Force! Force! Force! Yeah!

Pain! Pain! Pain! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

No tennis ball can hurt me!

Bring it!

I feel nothing!

Look how tough you are, man.

If you could take an
ass-kicking like this,

I know you can take a
hundred ice cream boops

from those Meadowbrook punks.

You think one video is gonna
change the way I feel about you?

No.

But you need to know
how I feel about you.

You're the gift.

I could have ended up
with any brother in the world,

but mine is loud and tough
and emotionally unstable.

But I wouldn't have
it any other way.

Get the JTP on the horn.
We got a Wawa to conquer.

Good heelwork, Millstein-Chang.

This is my sack now,
just like this is my Wawa.

Well, well.
Somebody grew a pair.

Yo, Dumb Doug, give
me your soft serve.

Okay, but you owe me 75 cent...

Looks like someone's
cruisin' for a boopin'.

I'm not afraid of you, Bradley
Gooper. I'm not afraid of anything.

What are you gonna
do with that, Goldberg?

Something I should
have done a long time ago.

Bring the pain!

And bring the pain he did.

Barry booped, battered, and
beat himself up pretty bad that day.

I am emotionally unstable!

He reclaimed the Wawa

using pure strength
and unreasonable power.

Get out of here! JTP!

Yep, there was only one
true American Gladiator.

Barry Goldberg.

Hey, sweetie. Debate's
about to come on TV.

Pass. I'm going with
Lainey to the mall.

I'm sorry, okay?

I went overboard.

You know, parents always
want their kids to look up to them,

but you've gotten so smart,
I'm the one who looks up to you.

I just wanted to make you proud.

You do make me proud.

And just because you
don't share my opinion

doesn't mean you're wrong.

Even though you are.

That's right. I
will raise taxes,

because nothing is
free, except this country,

the greatest country in
the whole friggin' universe.

No one was prouder
than Beverly Goldberg.

Seeing Erica on that stage,

my mom knew
there was no one else

in the world she'd
rather look up to.

We never found out who
mom voted for that year,

but what we do know is she
never needed a cheat sheet again.

Unfortunately, the real election

didn't quite work out
the way Erica hoped.

Look at that. Biggest
landslide in US history.

You were right. He should
have lied about taxes.

All that work I put in,
and it was for nothing.

You may have swayed
somebody at the debate.

Wait. I got you to
vote for Mondale?

Tell me you voted for Mondale!

Dude! It worked! We
got the Wawa back!

Well, glad I could help.

Cool.

Cool.

Yeah, every family shows
their love in crazy ways.

Some brothers give noogies,
wedgies, and waffle bellies.

Stop. It was a sweet moment.

And some moms take "Just Say
No" to embarrassing extremes.

Stop showing me
love. Too much love.

Sure, at the time, you
wish they never happened,

but later, you look back
and wish you could relive

each and every wonderfully
painful moment one more time.

Do you know what
I want to talk about?

Drugs. It's a very
bad thing to deal with.

Here we have drugs.

This thing can totally destroy
your mind. It's very bad for you!

Drugs! Drugs!

Drugs.

He could be seriously hurt
right now! Why am I laughing?

Look at this jamoke. You don't
swing-dance that close to a pool.

You got to be a real
putz to get on this show.

I'll bet by now you've
chosen your favorite video,

but not so fast,
buster and busterettes.

You haven't seen this one.

Stop! Hey! That's too much!

I'm biting my tongue!

Ow! My back! Please stop!

I wasn't ready!

Is that... Oh, my God!

I need to record this! How do I record this?
- Adam!

I'm gonna show you I
love you so hard right now!

Oh.

Look! Our baby's on TV!

I hope we win money.