The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 19 - La Biblioteca Es Libros? - full transcript

Back in the '80s, this is
what we did after school.

We'd prepare a feast of
our favorite sugary snacks

in preparation for an
endless TV marathon.

In those days, our parents

didn't pack our schedules
to keep us occupied.

That honor went to whatever
the three networks chose

to randomly broadcast,

and it was glorious.

Hey! I was
watching that! I know.

Then why'd you change
it? 'Cause I don't care.

I thought that was clear by now.



Dude. It's like you have
no respect for me at all.

It is like that, yes.

I demand your respect.
Give it to me right now!

Respect isn't
given. It's earned.

You never get
off your lazy butt.

When I was your age, I went
to school and I had two jobs.

Oh, yeah?

I'll go out right now
and get an awesome job,

and then you'll
have to respect me.

And I'll learn responsibility
and earn my own money

and never depend
on you for anything.

You're threatening me
with things I want you to do!

This is on you.

No, no, no. Stop.



Come back here and
be a weight on my spirit.

Unlike Barry,

my sister worked her way up
to assistant manager at Gimbels.

Erica, you really
have a flair for style.

Your bandana work is flawless.

Thank you.

What the... Stop it!

Hey! It's me! Barry!

I told you to never
come where I am.

Awesome news.

You're getting me a job
so Dad can respect me.

Oh, good luck with that.

I've been working my whole life,

and he still calls
me "the girl one."

Erica, if your brother is half
as good as you, he's hired.

Chuck, I think if you'll give
my brother a quick interview,

you'll have all
the info you need.

So, tell me, what's
your greatest strength?

Easy. Bo staff.

No! Wait.

Busting fresh rhymes. No! Wait.

Handsome. No! Wait.

I was literally
born without fear.

I'll let you know.

Boom! He'll let me know.

He didn't, but Barry
refused to quit looking.

My biggest weakness?

I'm honest, and I'm lazy.

What's your biggest weakness?

Who do I think would win a
fight between a tiger and a bear?

That's a good question.

One you didn't
ask, but I'll discuss.

Minimum wage?

No, no, no.

What's maximum wage?

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was April 15, 1980 something,

and my Mom's day was about
to be rocked to its very core.

Boopie, what's this?

Spanish test.

"F"? As in "fail"?

No, no. That's literally
humanly impossible.

My children don't fail.

I'm as stunned as you are.

Maybe it means "f" as in
"fabulous" or "first prize."

I knew you would
say that, so I asked.

It's "fail."

The teacher said maybe I'm
better off moving down a level.

As in remedial?

Oh, no! Are you mad?

Yes, I'm mad at your teacher!

Señora Taraborelli?

You think this is her fault?

Well, it's certainly not your
fault. You're just a little boy.

That's true. I am a little boy.

A genius little boy.

Please. Be nice. She's a
lovely but fragile woman.

Well, I'm lovely and pissed.

Okay. I got to stop you
before this gets nuts.

Clearly, this is the one
subject the kid struggles in.

You can't blame the
teacher. It's the boy.

It takes a very special educator

to teach such a
strange, exotic language,

with all the squiggles
over the letters

and the crazy
upside-down question marks

and the...

That right there is what you
call Beverly Goldberg Mom logic.

What do you mean
he failed drivers ed?

Yup, my Mom could
explain away our failures

by perfectly placing the
blame on anyone but us.

You've got your
own pedal in there.

I think you slammed on the brakes
yourself and sabotaged my son.

Change the grade.

Change the grade.
Change the grade.

Change the grade.
Change the grade.

Change the grade.
Change the... Oh, that's nice.

My Mom would now apply Mom
logic to why I sucked at Spanish.

Look, Adam is so smart,
and he tries so hard,

but, you know, he just can't
keep up with the other kids.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I see the situation
slightly differently.

How's that? I see it
as entirely your fault.

Oh... Mrs. Goldberg, I have been
teaching Spanish for well over a decade.

And have you adequately kept
up with changes to the language?

I'm... I'm pretty sure it's
set in stone. Mmm-hmm.

Have you ever even traveled

to any of these Spanish places?

No, not on a teacher's salary,
but, look, I'm saving money,

and I intend to find myself in
San Juan, drinking cervezas

with a very fiery
Caribbean lover

who will take me in
his taut, muscular arms,

and together, we will
dance the forbidden dance.

The Lambada. Wow!

That is... Very graphic.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Look, I just...

You know, if Adam is struggling,
I suggest you find a tutor.

Excellent. When can you start?

Me? No, no. That would
be a conflict of interest.

Oh, it's really not.

I mean, the school
pays you to teach.

Why can't I pay you
more to teach him more?

In this case, 50 bucks an hour to
help fund your sensual adventure?

Well, that is very generous,
but I would not feel right about...

Did you say $50?

Yep, mom logic even
managed to win over

my earnest, buttoned-up teacher.

The lure of the forbidden
dance is calling you.

Well, that and the promise of
a sensual, silk-shirted señor.

Meanwhile, my brother had
somehow landed his very first job.

And the in-depth
pizza-box-folding tutorial.

So, any questions?

Nope. I'm good.

Are you?

This entire operation
rests on you

delivering our food
hot and on time.

Don't you worry.

Every street in this city can tell
you a story about Barry Goldberg.

Some are pretty
hard to talk about.

Lot of bad memories.
I... I struggle with stuff.

Point is, I know
the streets good.

Hope so.

'Cause this may
be the Pizza Depot,

but we're closing in fast on
the big boys over at Domino's.

See, they've tipped their hand

and revealed the secret to
the pizza-delivery gold standard,

and that's the
avoidance of this man.

The Noid.

Oh, yeah. The funny
guy from the commercials.

Funny?

This floppy-eared goblin
is a physical manifestation

of the challenges inherent in
getting a hot pizza delivered on time.

The Noid is evil,
and he never sleeps.

He makes pizza cold.
I'm familiar with the Noid.

Are you?

'Cause he's the wolf at the
gates who will stop at nothing

until he destroys us and
everything we hold dear.

Are you afraid now, huh?

No. He's a cartoon.

You're cocky, rookie.

I like that.

Oh! Look at you!

How was the first day
on the job? Not bad at all.

Made a ton of dough.

Pizza dough.

It's a joke we say
around the shop,

because "dough" is
another word for "money"

but we also cook with it.

I got to admit, I didn't think
you'd go through with it.

But hard work like this
deserves something special.

What's this? Bottle of suds.

It's about time you had
a beer with your old man.

What the hell is this?

Just a little father-son thing.

Dad's giving me a beer
'cause I'm a working man.

What? I work, and I like beer.

I've said too much. I should go.

Just to be clear, this
is a one-time thing.

I can't believe
this is happening.

Oh, believe it.

This frosty cold one
is a rite of passage,

a symbol of my respect.

Son, you are no longer a moron.

You are a man.

This is too much. I'm
freaking out. Don't freak out.

I'm freaking out!
Don't freak out.

What the hell was that?

I panicked! I didn't
know what to do!

You drink it! You don't
slap it across the room!

I know that now!

Let's just put a pin in this.

While Barry was struggling
with his newfound respect,

I was hoping my new tutor would
end my struggles with el espanol.

Gracias, Dave Kim.

Ah, Paco. How'd we do?

Um... No Buena.

No? Oh, I'm sure
it's not that bad.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Uh...

Why don't you go
ahead and just, uh,

take another look at three?

And six.

And 11.

Really? Wow. Great.

Um...

Oh, yeah. You taught me that.

See? I knew you knew it.

Well, thanks. Yeah.

Adiós.

Oh, very good.

Squishy! I knew you could do it!

Congrats, kid.

Let's hear a little bit
of the old espanol.

Well, I'm not quite
ready to talk and stuff.

Me and my tutor slash
teacher work mostly in English.

Really?

Yeah, she's got this
amazing technique

where even if I don't
know I know the answer,

she reminds me I do
know it by telling it to me.

Yay!

My baby's learning.

Little señor.

You see what's going on, right?

You mean the way his little face

gets more delicious
the more you look at it?

I mean this teacher
clearly gave him

the answers 'cause you paid her.

Oh, poop. She did not.
That would be cheating.

Yes, it is cheating.

No, it is tutoring
during the test.

It's a totally different thing.

For once, stop
with the Mom logic.

That's not a thing.

Oh, it is. It's how
you sleep at night

even though you know
he's learned nothing.

But he thinks he's learning,
and thinking is learning.

Again, Mom logic.

If cheating's the only
way Adam can do well,

just do him a favor and
drop him down to remedial.

That.

Adam can learn six languages,

because he is perfect
and anything but remedial!

Mom logic.

After a half day of rigorous
training at the Pizza Depot,

Barry was confident he'd
crush his first day of deliveries.

He did not.

Glen Oaks?

I need Oak Glen!

Where am I?

Sadly, Barry was in Oak Ridge.

He was lost, and this
meant sheer panic.

See, back then, our cars
didn't have navigation systems

or cellphones with Google Maps.

Barry's only choice was to wrangle
an actual map and stress-eat.

Oh, no!

I'm not paying
for this, bro. Why?

Well, first of all, you're
an hour and a half late.

And secondly,

you clearly ate a piece.

Dude, you don't understand.

If you don't pay me, it
comes out of my check.

Oh, I didn't realize that.

Yeah.

You're fired. What? Why?

'Cause you're the Noid.

I am not the Noid!

You have successfully
delivered four pizzas. You know it.

Out of 37.

Please don't fire me. Just take
the mistakes out of my check.

Oh, I did, until there
was no check left.

You now owe us $314.

This is a job. You pay
me. I don't pay you.

Yeah. That's how it usually
works. Yet here we are.

A Noid knocking a Noid down.

How ironic.

As my brother
was losing his job,

I was getting a B in
Spanish, and it felt awesome.

Well, to me.

Hola, friendos!

Who's ready por esloppy
Joses for lunch-o, eh?

What's with the silent treatment?
Are you guys mad at me?

Adam, everyone
knows what's going on

with you and Señora Taraborelli.

You mean my tutoring?

Seems like a little
more than that.

Dana. Babe, it's me.

I would never step
out on you like that.

No one thinks you're dating
the Spanish teacher, dude.

We study for hours just to pass,

while you get to
cut all the corners.

Corners? No!

I'm getting tutored,
and I'm excelling.

Trust me, it's all
on the up and up.

In fact, I bet she'd
tutor all of us.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There has been a
huge misunderstanding.

If it's the money, I bet you
my parents will pay double.

Oh. No. No.

My family owns a restaurant.

Help me out, and you could
be ass-deep in crab rangoon.

What...

Oops. Left my wallet
there on the desk.

I'm gonna turn around
and count to three.

If it turns up empty, so be it.

Dave Kim knows
nothing in life is free.

You can't quit!

Things have gotten
completely out of hand.

Dave Sirota put a
10-dollar bill in my waistband

and told me to "Think about it."

Well, what about San
Juan? The Lambada!

Who am I kidding?

It's a forbidden
dance! I'm not allowed!

Anyone can dance that dance.

Look, Monday, we're
doing our oral presentations.

And if Adam doesn't pass,

he's being moved down
to remedial Spanish.

But we had a deal.

Well, that deal is off.

I'll just spend another
summer in Ohio,

sleeping on the couch because
mother's cat has priority of the bed.

While my disgruntled teacher
was shutting down my Mom,

Barry was keeping up the
illusion of still having a job.

There he is! Working man!

How was your day? Good.

And I am definitely
not the Noid.

Well, I wanna show
you something.

The whole beer thing didn't
work out because you're a moron.

But this, this here... This
is our moment. Come here.

And just like that, my father gave
Barry the ultimate sign of respect,

the La-Z-Boy.

I get my own chair?

Yeah.

And that's not all.

And the remote?

Last time I touched this thing,

you threw a photo
cube at my head.

Well, times have changed.

You used to be this boy,

and now you're this man.

And that means, you get
to choose what we watch.

And you chose a
grown man in tights.

What the hell is this?

First beer, and now a chair?

And the remote.

Last time I touched that thing,

you threw a photo
cube at my head.

Well, it's different for me
'cause I'm a working man.

Hello? I've been
working my whole life!

This is a total double standard.

No, it's not.

Dad's just giving
me special treatment

'cause I'm a boy and
you're not, so you lose.

That's the definition of a
double standard, you idiot!

Seriously?

And why do you keep
watching that? It's so weird!

I wish I could move
my hips like that.

Erica refused to sit back

and let Barry rub his
newfound respect in her face,

so she went to his
job to let him have it.

I told you, you
can't sit here all day!

Just give me one more chance.

No, no, no. You don't work
here anymore! Now beat it, Noid!

Fortunately for her,
there was no job.

Don't you worry, schmoo.

Your teacher may have
failed you, but not your mama.

I will see to it that you
ace that oral presentation.

You're even worse
at Spanish than I am.

It's hopeless. I should
just go down to remedial.

A presentation has nothing
to do with knowledge.

It's all about flash.

I'm pretty sure it's all
about Spanish words.

Oh, no. It's about showmanship.

You're a natural performer,

and with my help,
you will dazzle them

with your talent,
grace, and dignity.

That's right.

Beverly Goldberg's
Mom logic convinced me

that I could pass a Spanish test

without the use
of actual Spanish.

Me gusto mucho "pet cementerio."

Muy bueno, Dave Kim.

Okay.

Y finalmente... Señor Goldberg.

This was it. Go time.

With the help of
my trusty assistant,

an exotic musical score
from faraway lands,

and one He-Man piñata,

I would ace my Spanish class.

Maracas!

Guacamole!

Olé!

By today's standards, the
content was questionable.

Salsa! Salsa!

Salsa?

And sure, I borrowed heavily

from the stereotypes
I saw in the movies.

The Three Amigos.

Man, did I kill it.

Wow. Well, what a wonderful summary
of a very beautiful and vibrant culture.

Okay. But you didn't
answer the question.

For once, Beverly
Goldberg had no Mom logic

to cover up the fact
that I was a literal failure.

Erica knew Barry's secret

and how it would crush
him if my Dad found out,

which is exactly
why she made sure

that was gonna happen.

That's me. I ordered pizza.

Yes! Pizza! Pizza!

Oh, crap. Pizza.

That'll be $314. What?

Erica? How many
toppings did you order?

None. You owe him money
because you lost 33 pizzas.

Who gets a job and ends
up owing them money?

Me!

I'm sorry. I finally had your
respect, and I got fired in two days.

Eh, don't beat yourself
up. Wait... What, now?

He's going through
a rough patch.

Did I ever tell you about the
time that I got fired from the deli

for refusing to wear a
hairnet? Woah, woah, woah.

Are you actually bonding
with him over getting fired?

What is wrong with you?

I've babysat, I've tutored,
I've sold hot dogs on sticks

and oranged
thousands of Juliuses.

And in all that time, you never
showed me a shred of respect.

Erica, wait!

As my Dad realized there
really was a double standard,

my Mom finally accepted
it was time to lower hers.

How's my little
pinto bean? Don't.

You used my love of
performance against me,

and I completely
embarrassed myself.

I know. And I'm
sorry. It's just that...

I always see you as
my perfect little angel.

And when the world doesn't
agree with me, I go a little nuts.

A little?

Okay, a lot.

Look, I realize no one's
perfect. God knows I'm not.

But when it comes to you,

I can never see
you any other way.

Well, I guess that's not
the worst thing in the world.

Hey, mama?

I don't know what that
means, but it's beautiful.

Sure, my family didn't always
speak the same language.

Luckily, I learned
just enough Spanish

to tell my Mom how I really felt

without her ever really knowing.

Go away.

Not until we talk.

What's there to talk about?
You've made everything pretty clear.

Look, even though Barry's
a moron, he's a lot like me.

I get him.

And the reality is, I
was never a teenage girl.

Well, that's a relief to hear.

What I mean is,

I just wanted to have the big
rite of passage with my son,

when I should have been
having it with my daughter.

Here's to you. You're a man now.

Thanks, Dad.

What the... What is this?

You are in big trouble, missy!

But Dad just... I
caught her with these.

Oh, my... You are so grounded!

You're lucky your Dad got
here before me! So lucky!

That's the thing
about growing up.

Sometimes you take the fall or
you struggle to make the grade.

Looks like the remedial
class is more my speed.

You are so going to Harvard.

I'm not, but sure.

I made dinner.

And sure, you may
be far from perfect,

but with your family close
by, life comes pretty darn close.

You know, I wish you'd
fight over my salads like that.

How many years of
experience do I have as a CPA?

Let me answer that
with a follow-up question.

What is a CPA?

This kid's head is weird.

Are you related?

♪ I've got fresh rhymes
And I gotta pay my bills

♪ You've got a lot of grime
And I got some cleaning skills ♪

Then, I put the second
piece of tape this way,

and I'm a pig!

Hire me.