The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - I Drank the Mold! - full transcript

Adam's friend Garry shares his dad's home-brewed beer and gets everyone sick.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,

before you could buy music
with the click of a button,

you'd go to an
actual record store

to purchase your
favorite cassette tapes.

We thought we'd reached the
height of musical technology,

until this happened.

BOTH: Whoa!

Behold the CD.

A disc surrounded by a case within
another larger rectangular case.

It's a compact disc.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

I can't wait to go home

and throw away my
hundreds of useless cassettes.

We need to have this right now!

You! Sam Goody!

That's the name of the
store. My name's Jared.

How much for a CD player?

$900, plus tax.

We will never own one.

We will when I convince
Dad to buy us one.

And how do you
plan on doing that?

A little something I like to
call "Barry Goldberg Charm."

Buy us a CD player!

I don't know what that is,

but I'm sure it's
unnecessary and expensive.

It's the opposite of that.

Engineers in lab coats have
created a musical experience

that is so crisp and clean, it
can literally improve your hearing.

No more music crap.

First I bought you records,
then eight-tracks, then cassettes.

Where does it end? BARRY: Here!

The technology ends here.

CDs are so good that
scientists have given up and quit.

It's all over the paper.
They're unemployed.

Let me take a swing at it, pal.

Dad, this is crazy important.

Music means everything
to me. It's, like, my thing.

It's my thing, too.

Big Tasty needs a CD player to
keep up with the changing times.

See, that's the
problem with you kids.

Everything is your thing!

Last month, I had to buy you tap
shoes 'cause dance was your thing.

And before that, fashion and
skiing and horseback riding...

Why do I get punished 'cause she
can't find something she's good at?

Oh, don't get me
started with you,

with your hockey and
karate and break dancing.

Dad, this is different.

And so are the last 100
things. It's not happening.

Oh, it'll happen
when I go upstairs

and write the greatest song
in the history of the world.

With a vicious rap interlude.

And when you hear
my angelic song,

you will weep and
clap and be so moved

that you will demand
that we have a CD player.

I'm not an unreasonable man.

If you two write the greatest
song in the history of the world,

I will indeed buy
you a CD player.

Great! Then I will

go write the greatest
song in the world.

With a vicious rap interlude.

Good luck to you.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

April 2nd, 1980 something.

My birthday.

And that meant one thing,

desperately avoiding an
onslaught of love from my mom.

Birthday boy sighting! Oh.


It's my little love
muffin's birthday.

And how do I know?

Because I grew
your body in my body.

Will you stop bringing that up?
We all know where I came from.

We are gonna go all
out and party hardy.

Yeah, about that.

I was thinking this year, I
just hit the arcade with Chad.

Oh. Poop! It's your big day.
We've gotta do something special.

Mom, I know I've said this
every day for the past two weeks,

but I'm in middle school now,
and birthday parties are not cool.

Fine, Moody Judy.

You can celebrate with
no family and no fanfare.

But before you go, can I at
least give you my present?

It's down in the basement. I
think you're really gonna love it.

ALL: Surprise!

ADULT ADAM: And there it
was, my mom went behind my back

and invited my friends over
for a stupid little-kid party!

(WHISPERING) What have you done?

All my friends are gonna
think this is super-lame.

Yo, Mrs. G, digging
this O dip. Mmm.

And why did you
invite Garry Ball?

He's super-cool and
gets away with murder,

'cause his dad's the principal.

Oh, nonsense.

Okay, kiddos.

I've scored everything
you're gonna need

to have a raging slumber party.

Jolt Cola, Pixy Stix,
Mad Libs, Ouija board,

and a pen to draw on the
first dorkus who falls asleep.

I'm looking at you, Dave Sirota.



I am a funny mom. Jam on.

ADULT ADAM: My friends
were gonna give me hell.

This was the epitome of uncool!

Dude, this is gonna be so rad.


You guys are actually
stoked about a slumber party?

Slumber party? I thought
this was a sleepover.

What's the difference?

Ha! Stupid Chad Kremp
doesn't know the difference.

Someone should
tell him in great detail

so he knows what
to expect tonight.

Slumber parties are for
little kids with sleeping bags.

But at a sleepover,
we break all the rules.

Um, Chad is wondering
if you could give

some specific rules
we're gonna break.

Whatever we want, man.

We can dip some 'chaw,
make some prank calls,

light off some fireworks,
sneak out, make out.

Is your sister home?

Chad's now wondering

if part of the sleepover is making
your host feel uncomfortable.

ADULT ADAM: Nothing could prepare
me for what my friends had in store.

Dave Kim brought his
great-grandfather's pipe.

Sirota topped that with
his brother's throwing stars.

But both paled in comparison
to what Garry Ball offered up.

A real, grown-up, ice-cold beer.

Served warm.

ALL: Whoa.

While I was trying
to keep my cool,

Barry and Erica
were trying to write

the greatest song known to man.

Okay, here we go,
greatest song of all time.

Let's do this.


♪ Singin' music with my mouth ♪

That's it! We did it!

Yeah, I think we
should keep working.

Let's break this down.

What are the
greatest songs about?

Well, obviously, you got
to start with a guy in a mill.

No. And he's working
his fingers to the bone

on some type of metal
thing where sparks fly.

And he's dead-broke,

definitely lives in Jersey.

Why Jersey?

That's the heartland, where
all the real people live and die,

'cause millwork is dangerous.

Forget the mills. We
need to think bigger.

The greatest songs are always
about love, about loss and yearning,

about driving all night
and islands in the stream

and seconding that emotion.

Love is a battlefield.

Exactly! It's a battlefield,

and you got to crush
your enemies like a ninja,

a ninja of love!

BOTH: Love ninja!

That's it! We did it!
We changed the world!

♪ She's a love
ninja Love ninja ♪

Yes, yes. Now sing something

about how she snaps
necks and takes no prisoners.

It's a love song. She
can't be snapping necks.

But she can be breaking hearts.

Or breaking the
neck of the heart.

Oh, my God! Oh, my
God! That's so good!

ADULT ADAM: An hour later,
their musical opus was ready.

Okay, Pops, I need to make sure

that this is the greatest song
of all time before Dad hears it.

Just give me your
honest opinion.

Well, it was just outside of Jersey

♪ But not in the actual state

♪ Donny drilled
metal things in a mill

♪ Danger was his fate

♪ But his desire
burned like fire

♪ For a stealthy gal named Kate

♪ She's a love ninja

♪ A love ninja

♪ Love ninja Snapped
the neck of my heart

♪ She's a love ninja

♪ Nunchucked my life apart

(RAPPING) ♪ Roundhouse,
crane kick elbow chop

♪ Ninja stole my heart
and she wouldn't stop

♪ Bo staff, blow
dart samurai blade

♪ Ninja went off
like a ninja grenade

♪ Girl threw a smoke
bomb Vanished with a spark

♪ She's more deadly
than a robot shark

♪ A robot shark how
sweet would that be?

♪ Mechanical beast
Swimming out to sea

♪ Love ninja, a love ninja ♪

blah, blah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, it's just a taste,
but what do you think?

You two are my
grandkids, and I love you,

so if you want me to say
this confusing farkakte song

about ninjas and robot
sharks is actually good,

I'll say it.

Great! Do that!

I'm sorry. I thought
I could, but I can't.

Damn it!

How else are we supposed to
convince Dad that music is our thing?

Can't be done.

You're dealing with a man who
has no interest in music whatsoever.

Everyone likes music.

Oh, my God. I
think Pops is right.

How can he actually
not like music?

Some dads just don't. It's
more common than you think.

Well, that's perfect.

Dad's a blank slate.

We don't have to write
the world's greatest song.

We can just sing someone
else's and say that it's ours.

That's genius!

That's not genius.

Genius is coming up with
an idea that makes sense.

Your idea's terrible.

Barry, come on. We
gotta go steal a song.


The beer smells kind of funky.

That's the point, dude.

This is craft brew,
fancy kind, trust me.

Shouldn't it say, like,
"Schlitz" or something?

Nah, it's better than real beer.

My dad brews it in
the downstairs bathtub.

Dave Kim, you're up.

ADULT ADAM: This was it.

Sure, we were nervous,
but it was my birthday.

We would become men together.

(GAGS) Well, everyone but me.

Sirota immediately booted.

Cool guy Garry Ball
wasn't far behind.

Chad was next.

And finally, Dave Kim,
who had no options left.

That first sip came up
as quickly as it went down.

Not the washing machine!

Stop judging me!

ADULT ADAM: There was
no way it could get worse.

BEVERLY: Squishy. Until it did.

Look who I found moseying
around the balloon corral.

It's Cowboy Josh,
and today, he's gonna...

Oh! Sweet creamed corn!

ADULT ADAM: It was either think fast
or be grounded for the rest of my life.

I think it was the O dip.

And grounded it was.

I'd like to thank
you all for coming

to this meeting on
such short notice.

Let me begin by saying I'm
not here today as Principal Ball.

I'm just Earl, concerned parent.

Understood, Earl.


I know you all have
some questions

about the messy
incident that took place

in our basement this weekend,

but let's agree to
have an open dialog,

free of any
finger-pointing, okay?

That said, I blame
you and you and you,

and, back up, you.

Okay, okay. Let's calm down.

Our kids only got into one
of my unfermented batches,

so luckily, they just
drank pure mold.

Oh, no, you will not lump Adam
in with your band of beer-sippers.

He didn't get sick, which
means he never drank the mold.

Oh, please, I've seen
Adam doing horseplay

when I have specifically
requested no horseplay.

He's no angel.
Oh, he is an angel.

He could literally sprout wings

and take flight at any moment!

I know Dave Kim
better than anyone,

and there's no way
he'd ever drink a beer,

unless he was peer-pressured.

Don't you point at me.

From what I heard, your little
Smokey the Bear brought a pipe.

My son hurt no one and looked
like an elegant ship captain.

ADULT ADAM: And with that, the
open dialog free of finger-pointing

broke down into a
profanity-laced free-for-all.

This absurdity went on
for another 25 minutes.

Indoor voices, everybody!

ADULT ADAM: And absolutely
nothing was accomplished.

Now, that's enough!

It seems there is only one
thing we can all agree on,

and that is that the
Goldberg sleepover

was the last time our
boys ever hang out.

Agreed. Fine with me.

Wait, the last time?

What does that mean?

It means we separate
our little drinking buddies

before they end up
as winos on the street.

ADULT ADAM: While my
social life was being dismantled,

Erica and Barry's plan
was coming together.

Steal a song and
pass it off as their own.

♪ Now that it's done

♪ I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind

♪ That I put down in words

(RAPPING) ♪ Words,
words adjectives and verbs

♪ How wonderful life is

♪ Now you're in the world ♪

That was incredible.

Yeah? You really like our original
song that we wrote together?

I really do.

I think we proved that
we deserve a CD player.

You mean Elton John
deserves a CD player.

He knows the song.
He knows the song.

You know the song? Of
course I know the song!

But you don't listen to music.

But I live on Earth!

You do realize when
Elton John says,

"You can tell everybody
that this is your song,"

it's not actually
your song, right?

Okay, so maybe we lied, but we
did write an original masterpiece.

Erica, quick, play Love Ninja.

Please, no Love Ninja.

Let's make this simple.

You're not getting a CD player.

I hereby declare
this a cassette house.

So it is written.

So it is done.

You were right, Pops.
He'll never understand.

The man just doesn't get music.

Did you ever stop to think why?

When your dad was your
age, there was no music.

'Cause it wasn't invented yet.

No. There was no time for music.

Back then, his father
gave him nothing.

Your dad's only "thing"
was raising his little brother.

Maybe you should think
about what he sacrificed

and give him something back.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry and Erica
were realizing the error of their ways,

my friends and I were still
being punished for ours.

Hey, guys. Hello.

Hi. Yo.

How was everyone's day?

Don't put us in
this position, dude.

You know we can't
exchange pleasantries.

Well, I miss you guys.

Even you, Dave Kim.

Who's that talking?
What's happening?

You know what? I'm not
ready to lose you dudes.

I don't care what my mom thinks.

She thinks we're a band
of alcoholic roughnecks,

and you're a
snuggly little angel.

Then it's time I show
her this angel has fallen.

What angel? What's happening?

ADULT ADAM: It was go time.

We need to talk, lady!

Okay, well, before you start
stomping your little Buster Browns,

you need to know I'm not the one

who wanted you guys
to stop hanging out.

Oh, please. Thanks to
you, I lost all of my friends.

Well, maybe it was for the best.

I mean, those bad apples did
ruin my angel's slumber party.

They're not bad
apples, and I'm no angel.

Of course you are. You
didn't drink the mold.

Well, I was going
to drink the mold.

But you drank no mold.

I'll drink the mold right now.

ADULT ADAM: Drink the mold, I
would, and nothing would stop me.

Don't you dare drink that mold!

Consider this mold dranken.


Cuddle bear, no.
You drank the mold!

But I'm glad I did, because
now you see me for what I am,

a regular kid who
needs a bathroom.

ADULT ADAM: While I could
no longer ignore the nausea,

Erica and Barry listened to Pops

and decided to
give back to my dad.

BARRY: Hey! There's the Mur-man!

Shedding those
slacks like a champ.

What the hell is that?

That is your new CD player.

It's a Marantz TA-100 with tuner,

equalizer and monster speakers.

This is for me?

Sure is. Yep.

The thing you've
been desperate to get?

Absolutely. That is correct.

Was this your idea?

I don't even know anymore.

Actually, Pops reminded us

about how much you
had to sacrifice as a kid.

So, we did the same.

And we traded in all the stuff you
ever bought us for this one CD player.

Now, we, too, know
what it's like to suffer.

I sacrificed my unused stilts
and abandoned aquarium,

just like you sacrificed your whole
childhood to raise your brother.

We are the same.

Of course, if you
want to let us listen to it

from time to time,
we won't stop you.

But that's up to you,
'cause this is yours.


Unless you're not
home, then it's ours.

So, we have here is a self-gift.

A what, now? A self-gift.

You bought it for
you but gave it to me.

This was not a self-gift!

Fine! If it really is mine,
then you can't use it ever.

No way! You can't do that!

What about sharing? We
need to learn life lessons.

That's what this
is. It's mine, all of it.

What you got playing here?

That's my rare, imported
Public Enemy CD!

You can't touch
that. You hate rap.

Not anymore, 'cause it's mine.


Oh, boy, that's aggressive.

Those guys are angry!

I don't know what
about, and I don't care.

But I'm on board!

Fight the Power is
my jam, not yours!

Well, now I fight the power!

You can't fight the
power. You are the power.

MURRAY: No, you are.

And Chuck D agrees.

Don't you dare say
Chuck D's name!

Oh, I'll say it.

And I'll say "Professor Griff,"

and "Terminator
X" and "Flavor Flav."

They all agree that you're
the power worth fighting!

You have no idea how
much that hurts my feelings!

I am not as emotional
about Chuck D,

but I am really upset
about the stereo.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad had
intended to teach Erica and Barry a lesson,

all he did was turn himself
into a real public enemy.

It had been one day
since I drank the mold,

and my mom had finally accepted

that I was no better than
the other beer-sippers.

Hello, everyone.
Thanks for coming.

Uh, last time we were all here,
there was a lot of finger-pointing,

mostly by me.

But I just want to say that
Earl's idea to keep our kids apart

is the stupidest thing he's done

since Mandatory
Shorts Day last June.

Hey, there was a
heat wave and...


Point is, I think our kids
should be friends again.

And you're not worried that our
band of crazed suburban hooligans

will corrupt your little angel?

Look, I realize
they're not monsters.

They're just growing up,

which means they're still
sweet and cute and kind.

But now they're also
little (BLEEP) sticks

that need to be
watched at every turn.

Why did they have to turn
slumber parties into sleepovers?

They were so adorable snuggled
up in those sleeping bags.

I don't even punish
Garry to his room anymore.

My wife and I, we just lock
ourselves in the bedroom,

let him have the
run of the house.

Growing up is so hard
on them, you know?

They need each
other. They really do.

But the truth is we
need each other, too.

We can't do this alone.

So, from here on out, we're a
united front. What do you say?

ADULT ADAM: That day, our parents
finally found some real common ground.

Back at home, my mom
decided to make things right

with her grounded son.

Hey, schmoo. How you feeling?

I'm regretting my
decision to drink the mold.

Well, when you feel better, um,

these are for the arcade.

Thought you could have the
birthday you actually wanted.

Thanks, but there's no point
in playing air hockey alone.


About that.

I had a chat with
the other parents.

The ban's been lifted.

But I thought those
guys were bad apples.

Well, you know what
they say about bad apples.

They make the best pies.

wasn't a real saying,

but it was my mom's way of
admitting that I was gonna grow up

whether she liked it or not.


I know I'm in middle
school and all,

but could you stay and
rub my upset tummy?

You got it, angel.

♪ This is your song

♪ It may be quite simple
but now that it's done ♪

ADULT ADAM: Truth is
none of us were perfect angels.

But our parents
weren't perfect, either.

That's the thing
about growing up.

After a while, it's better to
accept the way things are

than to stay hung up on
the way things used to be.

Which is why my
dad decided to give

a little something
back to Erica and Barry.

I know this was a gift for me,

but I think you'll get
more use out of it.

Really? But I thought
that you said...

Look, I know I
got a little bit crazy.

Sometimes it's hard,
because the two of you,

your lives are so different
than the way mine was.

But truthfully, that's
the way I want it.

Now, go ahead, enjoy your music.

I know it's your thing.

ADULT ADAM: All it took
was a CD player for my dad

to stop punishing
his kids for his past

and start supporting
their dreams for the future.

As for my mom,

she got the support
she always needed

from her new group of friends.

Once a month, our parents got
together for a homemade stout

and to talk about the
hell we put them through.

And me, I not only got my old
friends back, but I gained a new one.

Sure, Garry was cool
and I was far from it,

but together we cooked
up some memories

that would last a lifetime.

(SWEDISH ACCENT) Welcome to The
Swedish Chef Cooking Hour. Bork, bork.

First is monkey soup.

Monkey... Monkey soup.

Monkey soup.

No monkey!

No monkey soup today!

No monkey.

No monkey soup today!

Dude, you got a Discman?
That's unbelievable!

I know! Look. It's
so small and sleek

and fits in the palm
of both hands together.

So, how is it?

It has some kinks.

It skips a lot if
you run with it.

Or walk or breathe heavily.

Negative thoughts
also affect it.

That's nuts. You're just
listening wrong. Let me try.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's skipping.

Just hold it steady.

I can't. God, it just
keeps skipping.

Try pressing it to your body.

Stop skipping
while I barely move!

It'll stabilize.

Oh! I got it! Ha!

The trick is to fully
extend your arm

and hold it up as
high as you can.

this is awesome!


No, no, it's skipping again.