The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Adam Bomb - full transcript

Adam and Barry get in a prank war, while Erica tries to become a pop star.

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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
America had one clear enemy, the Russians.

It was the age of the Cold War.

Capitalism vs. Communism.
Reagan vs. Gorbachev.

Rocky vs. that roided-out
monster who killed Apollo Creed.

But the only war I knew
was the one with my brother,

and like any superpowers, most of
our fights were about border disputes.

Dude! You're in my space.

You're in my space!

Stop it. Stop
fighting. Don't you...

ADULT ADAM: Like
any warring factions,

we didn't understand each
other and had nothing in common.



Barry roller-skated to
Wham! To impress the ladies

while I roller-skated to Starlight
Express to impress the theatergoers.

I barely survived gym class,
while Barry thrived as an athlete.

My dream was to be the
next Steven Spielberg.

Barry's dream was to be
the next Charles Barkley.

Swish, baby!

ADULT ADAM: I collected Garbage Pail
Kids while Barry loved his baseball cards.

Dude, check it out. I just got
Hairy Mary and Oozy Suzy.

Oh, really? I got Nerdy
Adam and Punchy Barry.

ADULT ADAM: My most prized
possession was my Castle Grayskull,

and Barry's was
this enormous shoe.

Behold, my lady.

The actual high-top of
basketball's greatest badass,

Sir Charles Barkley.



Cool. Let me see... No! Your
hand contains damaging oils.

You can admire it
quietly. At a distance.

How did you even get this thing?

Dave Sirota hooked me
up. His dad's a team doctor.

All I got to do is his math
homework for the rest of year.

That is a horrible
deal for him. Yeah, it is.

Sorry to be this dude, but
it's just a shoe. Who cares?

"Who cares?" This is Charles
Barkley. The Round Mound of Rebound.

The greatest Sixer of our time.

Yeah, basketball's not my sport.

Well, sports aren't your sport.

Even my shoe
thinks you're a nerd.

Huh? What was that?

"Punch your brother in
the nards"? ADAM: Idiot.

Your shoe sounds a lot like you.

Hey! Knock it off.

What did we discuss?
Which Barry do I like?

Sweet Barry.

Which Barry do I hate?

Yelly, Punchy Barry.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, Barry and I forever
lived in a tense and bitter Cold War.

We were always on guard, never
knowing when the other would strike.

And this year, I
decided to mount

an epic attack on
April Fools' Day.

My target was the one thing
he told me never to touch

with my human oils.

Where's my Barkley shoe?

Relax. I spilled some water
on it, so I threw it in the dryer.

I told you not to
touch that thing!

BARRY: No!

Gone. Gone forever.

Fly away, little size 16. I'm a
better person for having known you.

Well, who knew that high heat for an
hour would do that to rubber? Hmm.

I feel anger!

(LAUGHING)

April Fools'! Oh, balls!

Dude, it was an April Fools'
joke. Here's the real shoe, idiot.

(CHUCKLING) Oh,
man. That... Yeah.

It's April already.

You got me good.

Wait. You destroyed
Castle Grayskull.

You owe me 100 bucks!

Yeah, not gonna happen.

You should know I'm unstable and
would react poorly. This is on you.

By the Power of
Grayskull, this will not stand.

Thought I lost you, buddy.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was
April 1, 1980-something,

and my sister was spending
time in her true home, the mall.

Okay, what do you
want to hit next?

Benetton or Sam Goody?

Holy crap!

ADULT ADAM: Every teenage
girl has a defining moment in her life.

For my sister, it was the chance

to see her rock idol
jam by the food court.

Tiffany is coming to our mall?

Sweet God, my life
now has meaning.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, back
before Taylor Swift and Katy Perry,

teen pop superstars
would visit your tiny town

and play a free concert
in your local mall.

And the biggest star
of them all was Tiffany.

No last name needed.

♪ I think we're alone now ♪

Don't you see what this means?

I can give Tiffany my demo
tape, and she can discover me.

Oh. Just one problem.

You don't have a demo tape,

and your cheap-ass
dad will never pay for one.

Then there's only one play.

What if I told you I could
save you $20,000 today?

For the first time in your life,
you'd have my full attention.

Well, that's the price of a
college education these days.

And for a mere $200,

I can record a music demo
tape and hand it off to Tiffany,

thereby skipping college
and achieving my life dream

of becoming a teen
singing sensation.

Dreams? Who said "dreams"?

Mama's here. I
support you. Don't!

She wants to sing
instead of going to college.

It's a nightmare.

I'm not a total idiot.

I've worked out a surefire
plan that will get me to the top.

Listen to our snuggle monkey.
She has a plan. It's surefire.

What's the plan?

I take my awesome
demo tape to the mall

and hand it to Tiffany.

The minute she hears
my soulful voice, boom!

It happens. What happens?

I open for her in malls
across the country.

That's when I get a record deal

and meet Simon Le
Bon from Duran Duran

at Calvin Klein's lake house.

Here's a plan... College!

BEVERLY: Oh, you're
such a grumpy pants.

Just you wait.
Her plan will work.

Yes! I love you, mom.

The (BLEEP), Murray?
Why didn't you stop me?

Stop you? You were
chewing my head off!

My baby wants to
sing? That's not a job.

But you just told her it was!

You got to go up there and
tell her she's got to go to college.

Why? You just
told her she didn't!

Because I'm the dream pusher,
and you're the dream smusher.

That's how this works.

This is a thing?
I'm the smusher?

Yes. I push, you smush.
That's the natural order of things.

I didn't sign up for this!
You smush for once!

You know, it's exhausting
always having to be the bad guy!

Well, it can't be me! I'm
the loving, supportive one!

You're the grumbling, grouchy
one I always hide behind.

Now go! Smush, smush, smush.

(GROANS) (TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello?

ADAM: Have you
checked on the cards?

What?

Have you checked on the cards?

No.

No! Yes.

You drew all over my cards!

Tell me this is a joke.
Say "April Fools'." Say it!

No joke. One Castle Grayskull
for your baseball cards.

Your toy's 100 bucks!
This is a million dollars!

They're $1 a packet.

Everyone knows they
triple in value every day.

This was my nest egg.

Well, I guess you're gonna
have to work for your money now.

Never. Mark my words, you've
waged a war you cannot win.

I'm coming for you,
brother. And I'm coming hard.

Bring your best, bro, 'cause
nothing scares Adam Goldberg.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh,
God. He's gonna come at me.

I told him to bring his best.
Why would I suggest that?

Just apologize for what
you did to Cal Ripken.

We're long past apologies now.

This is all-out war,
and I'm gonna win.

Kiddo, I fought in a real war.

Trust me, there is no winner.

ADULT ADAM: Pops was right.

While I protected my toys, I
forgot about one crucial item.

My video camera.

No! What have you done?

Okay, Barry,
you've gone too far.

You mess with my
stuff, I mess with yours.

This wasn't just stuff! This
camera meant everything!

It's like my best friend.

Oh, relax. All I did
was take it apart.

Here's the manual.

Just... Just put
it back together.

This is in Chinese!

Remember, you smush, I push.

Fair warning, she's
gonna get extremely upset,

and she will throw
something at you.

I apologize in advance
'cause I'm gonna let it happen.

Peanut, we need to talk.

What do you want?

I just want you to know

that I support
your singing 100%.

What? Really?

Really. What?

Forget about college.
Gamble your life

in the dangerous and
shady world of rock 'n' roll.

For real? So real.

Unless you mom's
got something to add.

Oh. Not at this moment.

I'm just letting the news wash
over me 'cause it's so positive.

Dad, I give you my word

when Riki Gold
sweeps the Grammys,

you will be the
first person I thank.

Riki Gold?

Yeah, it's my stage name.

'Cause Goldberg is, you know.

You can be whoever
you damn well please

because Daddy believes
in you and your plan.

Ooh, thanks, Dad.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
my dad became the pusher...

I'm so excited! Forcing my mom

to become the
smusher. Thank you.

It's a bad plan.

What? You know I love you,

but you are gonna go to
college and get a good job

so I don't have to stay
up late at night worrying.

So, basically, you're a sham.

Every time that you said you
believed in me, it was a lie?

Of course not. It's still me.

It's your Mama, snuggle monkey.

Lies! I am not your
snuggle monkey.

You don't mean that.

Oh, I mean it.

And you can never call
me snuggly or squishy

or boopie or
schmoopie ever again!

Do not take schmoopie
away from me. Don't you dare!

It's just, I...

I don't want you to fail.

Well, that makes me
want to succeed even more!

I will sing for quarters
on the subway!

I will sleep on lumpy couches

owned by creepy disk jockeys.

Sure, when times get tough, I may
have to go cry in a bank vestibule!

But then, in the end,

I will be bigger than
Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.

But not Madonna,
because I'm realistic.

(SIGHS)

ADULT ADAM: Since neither of my
parents wanted to be the smusher,

they turned to Erica's
teacher for help.

Thank you so much for
meeting with us on a Saturday.

Honestly, we really
do appreciate it.

Anything for Erica.

In all of my years of teaching,

I have never had a student
so passionate and talented.

Oh, that is so nice to hear.

And I'm gonna need you to shut
your mouth and never say that again.

What? I...

Let me chime in here.

Actively destroy her
dreams. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I'm not
gonna agree to that.

I'm her teacher. It is my job to
inspire her, not to hold her back.

Let me pipe in here, Mur.

We would appreciate it if you
would shame her into quitting

using, say, scare tactics
or negative reinforcement.

I don't want to tell you how
to do your job. You get it.

I really don't get it.

Let me sound off here, Bev.

What my wife is trying to say,
and I think we can all agree on this,

a career in music, it's absurd.

(SCOFFS) I don't agree.

Let me finish this off, Mur.

See, millions of
girls want to be stars,

but they end up
becoming waitresses

or dog walkers
or music teachers.

And that is no life anyone
would wish for their little girl.

No offense.

Literally couldn't
be more offended.

Let me take the wheel here, Bev.

You know what? Don't take
wheel. Okay? (LAUGHS)

Beverly, I cannot believe this.

I... Even though
you give me hives

and I am stalked in my
dreams by a blond monster,

I have always respected the way

that you support your
kids no matter what.

Look. It's just...

What she wants to
do, it's such a long shot.

It is if you're
not there for her.

Do you think that
Tiffany or Debbie Gibson

would have made it
without their mothers?

No.

They not only support
their daughters,

they manage their whole careers.

What's that, now?

ADULT ADAM: My mom realized
that she could hijack Erica's career

and be both a mom and a manager.

Momager.

While my mom was plotting
Erica's rise to stardom,

I was planning
Barry's fall from grace.

I'd win the Cold War by taking
away the one thing he loved most.

His hot lady friend.

Hi, um, Lainey.

Look, I know I showed my
bra to Dave Kim for five bucks,

but it's not, like, a thing.

No. I'm afraid I'm the
bearer of bad news.

Barry asked me to come here
and terminate your relationship.

Yeah, that's just
not realistic, dude.

Damn it.

What's going on with you two?

He broke my video camera.

Why would he do that? I
told him I liked Sweet Barry.

Turns out, there is no Sweet
Barry, only Yelly, Punchy Barry.

I don't want to say that you could
do better, but we're all thinking it.

Hmm.

You are so dead!

Am I? 'Cause I've
never felt more alive.

Lainey said she had
to think about our future.

I can't have her thinking! What
if she sees me for what I am?

Well, maybe you should
have thought of that

before you were who you are.

I feel anger!

What the hell?

Where's all your nerd
stuff for me to stomp on?

Put it all in storage.

Now I live in a room
without joy and happiness.

In your face.

I can't believe it.

You actually beat me.

April Fools'.

ADULT ADAM: As my brother
was preparing to take me down,

Tiffany was preparing
to take the stage

in front of a thousand
screaming teenage girls.

Sorry, guys.

Just got to squeeze right
through you. Yeah, thanks.

Excuse me. Hi.
I'm... I'm Riki Gold.

And I just wanted to know if you
could give this demo tape to Tiffany

and let her know
that I recorded it

on my broken boom
box in my bathroom,

which isn't totally soundproof.

You can kind of hear my
dad yelling in the background.

But in the end, my voice
totally shines through.

Sure thing, kid.

Oh, my God. It actually worked.

ADULT ADAM: It did not work.

Every other girl in town
had a demo tape, too.

Wow.

That's a lot of tapes.

But Riki Gold had a Plan B.

Sneak up to the tour
bus and get discovered

by singing directly
to Tiffany herself.

It was foolproof!

What the hell?

Unfortunately, every
other fool in town...

Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon
me. Had the exact same plan.

Lainey, what are you doing here?

Duh. I want to be famous.

No, wanting to be
famous is my thing.

Hi, girls. Scooch over. Scooch.

Oh, my God. Why are you here?

You parents maybe made me
question some of my life choices.

Sort of my last gasp
here. Really need this win.

(PLAYS NOTE)

No, this is my plan.

(PLAYING GUITAR)
♪ Children, behave

BOTH: ♪ Running
just as fast as we can

♪ Holding on to
one another's hands

♪ Trying to get away

♪ Into the night ♪
♪ Night ♪

Tiffany! Tiffany!

ADULT ADAM: Erica's
dreams of stardom

were literally driving
away before her very eyes.

Meanwhile, Barry's dream of obliterating
me was about to become reality.

For years, he held
onto a secret weapon,

something so powerful that
it could only be unleashed

in a time of true war.

And that time was now.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

I had taken Barry's girlfriend,
and he would take my dignity

by unleashing the most
embarrassing Sears glamour portrait

the world had ever seen,
knee-high socks and all.

Oh, no! (GROANS)

Barry.

Hey, buddy. What brings you by?

How? I destroyed this photo!

You mean this one?

The one where mom dragged
you to a studio photographer

dressed like a
sad, little dandy?

And I will post it
all over the school.

No! You can't! That will
completely destroy me!

Oh, my God. Pops was
right! No one wins a war.

Actually, somebody does win,
whoever's got the bigger nuke.

And I've got the Adam Bomb.

ADULT ADAM: My mom
had officially dedicated her life

to managing my
sister's music career.

Only problem, Erica had no idea.

ERICA: What the...

Why is my awful 10th
grade yearbook photo

on T-shirts, buttons,
and bumper stickers?

Because your momager
got you your first gig.

You're playing the Del Ennis Bowling
Lanes at 10:00 a.m. on Tuesday!

Who's gonna be at the Del Ennis
Lanes at 10:00 a.m. on a Tuesday?

Well, Del will be there and Bonnie,
his wife. She rents the shoes.

And I'll be there selling
these puffy paint T-shirts.

Hmm? (CHUCKLES)

If Del allows it.

He's trying to take a cut of
the merch. I'm into it with him.

You don't need
to know the details.

Mom, maybe, I should... No.

You were right about me. I've
supported you your whole life.

But when it really mattered,

when you really
needed me, I panicked.

Well, from now on,
we're in this together,

all day, every day, on
the tour bus, in hotels,

you and your biggest
fan, your Mama.

That's why, I'm gonna
momage you straight to the top.

I'm gonna make sure no one
ever smushes your dreams again.

You have to smush my
dreams. MURRAY: No, no, no.

I'm out of that game.
From now on, I'm a pusher.

No, mom's the pusher.
We can't have two pushers.

Then I'll actually have to
follow through on things.

Wait, I... I thought this
is what you wanted.

Don't give it up just 'cause your
mom bought a bunch of puffy paint.

It's not just mom.

I went to that
mall, and I realized

there's a million girls
out there just like me.

And the truth is,
you were right.

I just don't have a shot.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
was giving up on her dreams,

Barry was about to
obliterate my reality.

(CHEERING)

Hey. What's going on?

Dude, it's crazy. The
Berlin Wall just fell.

ADULT ADAM: It was one of those moments
you remember for the rest of your life.

A country divided, coming together
for a shining moment of peace.

And as Barry
watched it all unfold,

he realized it was time
to end the war at home.

My camera. How did
you get the money to fix it?

I sold my Barkley shoe
back to Dave Sirota.

But what about the photo? You
were about to drop the Adam Bomb.

I saw something
today that changed me.

David Hasselhoff was on
top of the Great Wall of China

in a light-up jacket
singing about freedom.

And it occurred to
me, if Knight Rider

can make can make
east and west Russia

find common ground,
maybe we can, too.

While your facts are wildly off,

your spirit is right
on the money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, I'm athletic and
enjoy awesome stuff

while everything
you know and love

is for losers who suck at life,

but even though we're
from two different worlds,

I believe we can
live in harmony.

Wait. You gave
me back what I love.

Time to return the favor.

♪ I'm a bad boy

♪ But a good guy

♪ On the outside, I'm tough

♪ On the inside, I cry

♪ I'm always on the streets

♪ Rhymin' and schemin'

♪ But when I think of your
face I get sensitive feelings

♪ I mouth off to the cops

♪ And get myself in trouble

♪ But when you bail me out
We watch Splash and cuddle

♪ See, I'm a bad boy

♪ But a sweet guy

♪ I get in trouble

♪ And I don't know why

♪ So take Big Tasty back

♪ You know you can't resist

♪ So on a humbler
note I really need this ♪

That was uncomfortable.

Point is, he got
my camera fixed.

That's sweet.

He really is a good brother.

You're not so bad yourself.

Here. For your demo.

But we agreed you
were gonna talk to mom.

And I will.

But I just need you to know

that there's nobody else
out there like you. Nobody.

Look. I got my dream.

I got this house, I got
the family, I got you.

And if this is what you
really want, I say go for it.

To a parent,
that's scary as hell.

But I can't have you live your
life thinking I held you back.

♪ Children, behave... Dad.

Yeah?

What you said,
that was really, um...

♪ And watch how you play

Thank you. ♪ They
don't understand...

Anything for you, peanut.

ADULT ADAM: That's
the thing about family.

You fight, you argue,
you wage all-out war,

but at the end of the day,
you're always on the same side.

'Cause in a world where
everyone tries to smush you down,

the one thing you got is your
family to push you forward.

♪ I think we're alone now

♪ There doesn't seem
to be anyone around... ♪

That's my superstar client.

You're not gonna be the momager.

We'll see.

Glad that's gone forever.

Riki Gold, Big Tasty,

thank you for meeting
me on such short notice.

Meeting? We're eating breakfast.

Let me cut to the chase.

What I'm looking at
are two musical giants

on the precipice of greatness,

and as your momager...

No! No!

I present "The Tasty
Gold Experience."

Even better, I won't
even take 10%.

You can pay me in
huggies and smoochies.

No! No!