The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Lost Boy - full transcript

Back in the '80s, my
mom forced us to take

the most embarrassing
family photos in human history.

Did we agree because
we loved her? Oh, God, no.

We did it because
she guilted us.

This is so brutal.

But one day when you abandon me
in an old-age home and never visit,

you'll look at these pictures and
remember how much I loved you.

Now, everybody say, "Mahalo."

Mahalo!

And her guilting wasn't
just for family photos.

It was for family everything.



Baby, if you don't eat, then
I have failed as a mother.

I'm gonna die one day, but
have fun with your friends.

When I die, don't
have a funeral.

I don't wanna take
up anybody's time.

And then there was
her signature guilt move.

If we were driving and she didn't
get her way, she'd jump out of the car

and threaten to walk home.

Get back in the car, Mom! We
wanna have a picnic with you, okay?

Yeah! I'm so stoked to eat
chicken salad on the ground!

Well, if that's what you
want, then yay! Picnic!

Yup. It was her guilt world,
and we were just living in it.

Hey, where are the car keys? We're
gonna grab a bite before the movie.

Movie? I thought we had
plans to BeDazzle all day.

I think you might
have dreamed that.



Well, it's possible,
but we're all set up,

so let's make those
drab clothes sparkle, huh.

Oh, my God! Oh,
no. What is that?

It's a harlequin clown, riding a
unicorn, high-fiving a dolphin. Duh.

Yeah, I think we're gonna
pass on the DeBazzler.

Okay, now you're just
embarrassing yourself.

It's BeDazzler, as in regular
items become dazzled.

And if you don't wanna do that,

I'll just join you at the movie.

No way! Oh, my God!

Come on. I hardly ever
get to see you anymore,

and you're both
growing up so fast

and you did promise we'd
spend the day together.

Again, that was a dream.

It'll be fun.

Afterwards, we can grab
a bite, split a giant cookie,

you can ride the
little mall train,

if you're still into
it. Ain't no thang.

Okay, here is the thang. No.

Wow! I am being
rejected by two people

who were tethered to
my body for nine months

by a food cord.

That's right. Everything I ate

you got a tiny, mushed-up
version of. Everything!

I don't think that's
how science works.

You know what? Go.

I'm not even sad. I'm great.

Aw, Come on. Not
the little pack of tissues!

Mom tears are the
worst tears ever!

Fine. Well, if we
have no choice.

Oh, that's so sweet!
And don't you worry.

I promise you won't
even notice I'm there.

Hey, check out my new jacket.

Oh, no! Oh, my God!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was May 11th, 1980-something,

and my dad was
pumped to spend the day

with his one true
love, the Phillies.

Hello, wonderful family,

who I'm not gonna be seeing
for the next six glorious hours!

Wait. Where are you going?

To the Phillies game with Vic.

You never told me that.

Did you mark it in the calendar?

You have a calendar?
Where's this calendar?

It's on my desk. Wait, you've
got a desk? Where's this desk?

You can't go. Erica and Barry
have graciously invited me

to see a scary-slash-sexy
teen vampire movie.

Who is gonna watch the baby?

Is that me? It is.

I told you, I'm not the
baby! I'm a grown, adult man!

And could you please
start this orange?

Come on, Bevy!

Can't the boy stay
home alone for the day?

I mean, he is 11,
or 14 or whatever.

No! The last time I
went out power-walking,

I came home and found him hiding

in the broom closet.

See, that's on you, because
you bought a house with a ghost.

Again with the ghost.
There are no ghosts!

Sure, people don't die
with unfinished business.

Must be nice to
live in your world.

Okay. We're going to the
ball game. Go get your glove.

My Michael Jackson glove
or my Nintendo Power Glove?

Really?

And so, my dad took me to watch

the Phillies play at
old Veterans Stadium,

a beautiful world-class
arena, when it was built.

Now it was falling apart at the
seams, but we loved it anyway.

Dad, I gotta pee.

Well, the bathroom's
right up there.

Go ahead.

You want me to go by myself?

Yeah. Forget what your
mother said. You're not a baby.

Now stop acting
like a moron and go!

But I didn't have the guts,

so my dad took me, like
the little moron baby I was.

The men's room at Veterans
Stadium was a nightmarish hellscape

of people and pee everywhere.

What's that?

It's a trough.

Aim for a cigarette butt
and make a game of it.

But where's the dividers?
Where's the handle to flush?

Where's the dignity, man?

If you don't like
it, use the stall.

Mother of mercy! What
happened in there?

It's on the walls.
It's on the walls.

Please hurry it up. I feel weird
being in here not doing anything.

In that moment,

I had what all men experience
at one point or another.

Stage fright.

I couldn't go. My mind said
yes, but my bladder said no.

I'm done. Let's get
the hell outta here

so I can breathe
through my nose again.

While I was running
away from my fears,

Barry and Erica were sitting
through a real horror show,

and I don't mean the movie.

So, which boy is lost? His poor
mother must be going insane.

Shh!

Oh! I snuck in some snacks. I got
microwave popcorn, some chips,

and a beautiful tomato.

I don't want a tomato!

Well, it's the last day before it
turns. Somebody's gonna eat it.

This has been the best day.

Yeah.

It's a real shame it's over.

Oh, it doesn't have to be.

I'm gonna make us a dinner
reservation at Red Lobster.

Now, it's not Lobstober or
Shrimptember or Clamuary,

so you're gonna
have to order carefully.

What the hell
happened out there?

Mom happened!

You know, she guilted us
into hanging out with her again.

You know, it is seriously not
normal for teenagers to spend

this much time
with their mothers.

I rode the train, man!

I rode the tiny train!

Look. She took a
picture and everything!

Okay, I can't watch you
suffer like this anymore.

Follow me. I'm about
to change your lives.

How?

I'm gonna teach you
how to defeat your mother.

It's natural for
teenagers to separate

from their parents,

but your mother loves you so
much she'll never let that happen.

That's why it's my job to...

Why are you wearing that outfit?

You're gonna teach us
how to fight Mom, right?

No! I'm gonna teach
you to combat her guilt.

Ohhh! That makes more sense.

Should I go change back?

Just focus on me.
He'll get what he gets.

If you've noticed, when
your mom tries to guilt me,

it doesn't work.

That's because of
my simple mantra.

"It's not real. Don't feel."

What's not real?

The pain she's in.

Her guilt and tears
are just a manipulation.

Don't fall for it.

Pops, if your thing was so easy,

we would've done
it a long time ago.

You're right. I'm
just a silly old man.

I should just go home, ball
up my socks, and go to bed.

No, don't. I'm sorry.
Don't do that! We love you!

It's not real! Don't feel!

Wait. That was just an act?

Yes! My God, you're weak
and soft! Say it with me.

It's not real. Don't feel.

It's not real. Don't feel.

Louder!

It's not real! Don't feel!

Not that loud. She'll hear you,
and then we're all in trouble.

As my brother and sister
were learning to fight back,

I was battling the 64 ounces
of Mountain Dew in my bladder!

Dad, I have to pee again.

What? You just went!

All right, I'm not
gonna sugarcoat this.

My bladder shut down.

There's too much
pressure at the trough.

Well, why don't you
use the damn stall?

Don't speak of the stall, ever!

Well, it's too late.
The bases are loaded.

I'm not taking you
again. So, just go!

Isn't there some private executive
washroom with scented soaps,

instead of a giant
metal river of whiz?

When will the
hand-holding end, already?

For once in your life, be a man.

You don't think I'm a man?

All right, let me answer that
question with this question.

What superhero is on
your underwear right now?

I outgrew those
months ago! Uh-huh.

I'll show you! I'll go!

Go!

Fine! I'm going!

Good! You're doing
what I want you to do!

Sure, I was mad at my dad,

but mostly I was mad at
myself, 'cause he was right.

So, I set out to prove my
manhood once and for all,

and the first step was
going potty by myself!

Nope. Excuse me. Which
way to the upper level?

I'm thinking the higher
you go, the fancier it gets.

So, I headed up to what I figured
was the super-fancy 700 level.

Not fancy. Not fancy.

I finally gave up and
headed back to my seats.

Just one problem, I had no
idea where my seats were.

Oh, balls!

Early-bird dinner was over, and
Erica and Barry had been with my mom

for six straight hours.
She was going for seven.

Wow. I am stuffed.

What do you say we go home
and burn off some of these calories

with a little BeDazzling?

Ugh! Make it stop! It's too much
time with you! I'm sorry, but I'm done.

If spending time with your
mother is some kind of torture,

then I'll just walk home.

Stop the car.

And there it was, her
signature guilt move,

storming out of the car and
making us beg her to come back.

Here I go. I'll probably
get flattened by a truck,

not that you'd care.

Oh, man! She's outta the
car! Now what do we do?

Nothing. Remember
what Pops said?

"It's not real. Don't feel."

I'm walking!

We should just drive off
and let her walk home.

But you heard her. She
could be flattened by a truck.

She's not a squirrel! We're 10
minutes from home. She'll be fine.

I'm walking.

All right, we need to take
a stand and drive away.

Are you with me?

I don't know! Still walking!

I need you to look me in the
eye and say you are with me.

I'm with you! God save
my soul, I'm with you!

I knew you'd come
to your senses.

We're doing it! This
is really happening!

I've never felt
so alive in my life!

As my brother and
sister were flying high,

my dad was crashing
down to reality.

Damn it! Where is he?

See, back before cell phones,
getting lost was a much bigger deal.

I'm fine. It's fine.
It's all gonna be fine.

So I'm hungry and alone and may
never be rescued. It's good times.

The only way to
actually find someone

was to shout their
name really loud.

Adam?

When that didn't work, my dad
decided to awkwardly approach anyone

who even looked
a little like me.

Tiny lady. Sorry.

Meanwhile, the more I ran
around, the more lost I got.

Luckily, my dad came up with
the perfect plan to track me down.

Whoa, whoa. Slow it down there,
boss. That's a restricted area.

Yeah, yeah. I got
separated from my son,

and I need to make an
announcement to the entire stadium.

Okay, that makes sense. This
kid of yours, what's he look like?

I don't know. He's a boy. He's
normal-looking. He's got hair, a face.

I don't look at him much.

Uh-huh. And, uh,
how old is this boy?

Eleven.

Or 14.

Can I just go make
my announcement?

Oh, yeah, sure.

And after, you
wanna visit the dugout

or shower in the locker room?

Very funny.

Hey, how are
your fielding skills?

You wanna play shortstop?

Just know I will make
it through that door.

Better yet, why don't I
have two of my friends

escort you to the VIP section?

My kid's in there!

While my dad had
hit an all-time low,

Barry and Erica
were riding high.

Dude, we did it! For once,
we didn't give in to her guilt!

I know! We totally drove away!

I feel so exhilarated,
like I just killed a man!

Exactly! Wait. What?

Pops, we did just like
you said with Mom.

Way to go, kiddos. I
wanna hear all about it.

You know that thing Mom does
when she storms outta the car

and then you have to
beg her to get back in?

Oh, yeah, the big guns.

Well, we left her on
the side of the road

like an old mattress! Boom!

What? Are you nuts?

You don't leave your mother on
the side of the road! Who does that?

That's exactly
what you said to do.

That's not what I said at all!

Why are you
making us feel guilty?

I thought you were on our side!

My God! What have you done?

Everybody just chill,
okay? That's her. She's fine.

Evening... It was the old
man! He put us up to it!

They misunderstood my rhyme!

It doesn't matter.
Is our mom okay?

She's fine. I gave her a lift.

Lucky for her, I was
driving down Old York Road,

and was temporarily
blinded by the sunlight

reflecting off of her
bejeweled jacket.

Where is she? In
the back of my cruiser,

with a little pack of tissues.

She's pretty certain
she failed as a mother.

I know this looks bad, but
you have to understand.

She uses guilt to get her way.

So, she's like every mom.

Except in this case, you abandoned
her on the side of the road.

Shame on you. Shame.

Thank you for seeing
me home safely, Officer.

It was very kind.

You must be a wonderful son.

Mom... Bup-bup-bup.

I have one thing to say to you.

That was up.

Only one person felt worse
than Barry and Erica, my dad.

He was so desperate to find me

that he sought help in
the most unlikely of places,

a parking lot full
of Philly tailgaters.

Hey. You guys got an extra
ticket you could sell me?

I got tossed out of the stadium
and I need to get back in.

Why'd you get ejected, chief?

Um, I got into it with a security
guard because I lost my son.

In Veterans Stadium?

Damn, that is just some
bad parenting, right there.

I never let my little
fella outta my sight.

Tell you what,

let me CB the other
camps around the stadium,

see if anybody's seen your kid.

Wow. You'd do
that? Well, thank you.

It's what Phillies fans do. So, how
old is he? What does he look like?

Why's everybody
need to know that?

Hey. I'm kind of lost. Could
you please help me find my dad?

Of course we can
help you find your dad.

Why don't you step over
there with the other lost kids?

As I looked at that
line of lost little tykes,

I knew I couldn't join them.

I finally had to man up and
become the 11- or 14-year-old

my dad wanted me to be.

No! Not today! I'm lost, I'm
starving, and I still haven't peed,

but I will survive!

As I was finally confronting

the most disgusting
bathroom in the world,

Erica and Barry
were about to face

the most emotionally
manipulative mother in the universe.

Hey, Mama.

I don't think she
heard you. Do it again.

Hey...

Oh, stop it. I heard you.
I'm just not answering.

We feel horrible. And we
made a little peace offering

to show you how sorry we are.

It's a picture of you. See?

You're smiling like you used to

before we ditched you on the
side of the road like human trash.

Your shading and tones don't
quite capture my loving essence,

but I appreciate the effort.

Maybe you could teach us.

How does that sound? We
BeDazzle for the rest of the day.

Well, that's a good first step,

but it's gonna take a lot more

than rhinestones and glitter
to make up for what you did.

Name it. Anything.

I want huggies. Done.

And snuggies. On it.

And kissies. Absolutely.

And nubbies.

Lots and lots of nubbies.

I don't know what that is, and
I'm scared to find out. But sure.

We're gonna go set up the
BeDazzler. We'll meet you upstairs.

And just like that, my
mother realized that

getting abandoned
on the side of the road

was the best thing that
could've happened to her.

Mom, are you coming?

I'll be there in a minute.

It was the bottom of the ninth.

I was still lost, but at
least I wasn't alone.

I guess I just really want to show
my dad what I'm made of, you know?

In here.

Does that make sense?

Okay, you've done
that three times.

I don't know what that means.

As I was getting annoyed
with my new green friend,

Barry and Erica were BeDazzling
with all the colors of the rainbow.

What's all this?

Just a bunch of BeDazzmanian
Devils going crazy!

It's been a fun hour.

You know what?
We're out of silver studs.

I'm gonna go get some
from my craft drawer.

Yes! We need
more. This is so fun!

Help us.

I'm sorry. You hurt her for
real. You gotta pay the price.

But we BeDazzled everything.

Look. I even BeDazzled
my Flyers jersey,

and in some weird way,
I think it looks amazing.

And what are nubbies?
What are nubbies?

She said, "nubbies"?

You're way too old
for that. I'll talk to her.

Bevy, listen, the kids don't deserve
all the blame for what they did.

I may have taught them
how to stand up to your guilt.

That was you?

Thank you so much. Thank
you for this wonderful gift.

Wait. What's happening?
You're not angry?

This is, literally, my
dream come true.

Now they're under
my thumb forever.

I get to decide how they live,

who they marry, where
they take me on vacation,

and all because they left
me on the side of the road.

Honey, you can't hold
them hostage with guilt

for the rest of their lives.

They're just gonna
end up resenting you.

But what else am
I supposed to do?

I'm their mom. If
it were up to them,

they'd never spend time with me.

Have you ever
wondered why they love

hanging out with me so much?

Because I don't force them to.

Also, I'm pretty
frickin' delightful.

You are pretty delightful.

And so are you.

Put the stud guns
down. You're free to go.

No, really. We're having fun.

You're not.

You've done this long
enough, and we're even.

But we're just trying to
apologize for what we did.

No, I'm the one who
needs to apologize.

I guilt you kids way too much.

It's just, uh,

when you were little, all you
wanted to do was spend time with me,

and, you know, a
mom gets used to that.

You two will never understand

how much it hurts
when that goes away.

I think that's just the
way things are right now.

You know, we really
meant what we BeDazzled.

We do love you.

I know.

Just no nubbies.

Deal.

While my mom had found
common ground with Barry and Erica,

I still hadn't found my dad.

But we weren't out of options.

Back then,
whenever you got lost,

the last resort was
always the same.

Meet at the car.

Of course, I had no idea
where we were parked,

so I had to wait until
every single car was gone.

♪ And have a little faith in me

♪ And have a little faith in me

♪ And have a little faith in me

I was ready to give my dad hell.

I wanted to tell him how
I survived on my own

and proved him wrong.

I wanted to tell
him I was a man.

I wanted to tell him that I
didn't need him anymore.

But instead, I did this.

Dad.

I know.

You're safe. You're safe.

♪ Just turn around and you...

I spent most of that day lost, but
what I remember most is what I found.

I found out that I could
do okay on my own.

And my dad discovered he
didn't want me to grow up too fast.

♪ Just have a
little faith in me ♪

Hey, Ma. Hi. Back
from another normal day.

Well, come into the nook.

It's Battle of the
Network Stars.

Fonzie sure can throw a javelin.

That's the thing about parents,
they always drive you crazy.

Oh. Got a beautiful
tomato if you're hungry.

Mom, enough with the tomato.

Someone's gonna
eat this thing today.

But in a world where we
all get lost sometimes...

Stop! Stop, Mom!

Kissy shark! Kissy shark!

Stop! Stop it! Rah,
rah, rah, rah, rah!

There's nothing better than having
people who love you so much,

they never wanna let you go.

No! No, no, no! Mom, Mom!

Three, two, fire!

Hey! Hey. Whoa! What is that?

Oh. You mean the shirt?

I'm going to the Phillies
game later with Dad,

so I BeDazzled this as a
joke, just to drive him crazy.

I mean, I would never
wear this to the game.

Unless you think I can
maybe wear it to the game.

You know, you shouldn't
just wear it to the game.

I would wear it to school.

That's what I
thought! Thank you!

I mean, this is a
joke, but thank you!