The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Happy Mom, Happy Life - full transcript

Dana and Adam are given a doll to parent for a school project, but end up in jeopardy of failing because of Beverly's "grand-smothering." Meanwhile, Erica tries to get back at Barry for monopolizing her best friend's time by joining the JTP, however her plan doesn't go as expected.

Ah, the toy crazes of the '80s.

G.I. JOE, laser
tag, Rubik's Cube,

Transformers, Care Bears.

But the mother of them all
were the Cabbage Patch Kids,

chubby-cheeked balls of cuteness

you could adopt
as your very own.

And I got mine in a
most unusual way.

In my hand, I hold your
final exam for health class,

the Reality of Parenting.

Wow. How many of
these do you own?

You know, I'm not married,

and I'm severely allergic
to cat and dog dander,

so I guess you could say
these are like my children.

Ha! That's a joke.
I'm fine. Okay.

So, for this assignment,
you are going to pair up

and you're going to tend to
the child as if it's a real baby.

And every 30 minutes,
you're gonna spin the wheel

and do the assigned chore,
feeding, burping, diapering.

You get it, the things
that married couples do.

Or, so I have seen
from my three married

younger sisters.

Okay, partner up.

Dana Isabelle Caldwell,

will you be the mother
of my Cabbage?

I don't know. I don't want this to
make things weird between us.

Trust me, a baby only
makes things better.

It's like the old saying,

"If your relationship
sucks, a baby will fix it."

Okay, so, maybe I
was way off about that,

but I did know that this
project was the perfect way

for me to get closer to Dana.

Welcome to our
tree home, my dear.

I've already put down the baby,

and whipped us up some supper.

Aw, Smurf ravioli, my favorite.

Well, only the best
for my girl Dana

and our little angel, Ripley.


It's a classic girl's name.

Also happens to be Sigourney
Weaver's badass character in Aliens.

How about one that'll
make us both happy?


Leia DeLorean Goldberg!

I love it!

Snuggle Boo-Boo! Dinner's ready!

What is all this? Health class.

We got to care
for a pretend baby.

Oh, I'm finally a grandma, huh?

Well, move over. Isn't this fun.

Come on. Let me hold her.

Actually, um, we're
not supposed to get

any outside help with Leia.

"Leia?" Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's so boring and plain.

What about "Myrna?"

After your great grandma.

Um, maybe. Yeah, I mean,

it-it was a name in progress...

Was it?

Everyone agrees. Myrna it is.

Okay, I get how this works.

We spin the thing
and do the thingy.

Baby's got poo-poos.
Let me change her.

Actually, we're good. Thanks.




Well, uh, I'm gonna go
check in on your father.

I'm sure he still needs me.

As usual, my smother had
jammed herself into my life

and made it real
awkward, real quick.

I had to do some epic
damage control, and fast.

How about a toast to
the world's greatest mom?

Somebody call me?



♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was March 10, 1980-something,
and Barry was chilling

with his best and only
friends, the Jenkintown Posse,

also known as the JTP.

All right, batter
up. I got, uh...

An egg, a grapefruit
and a light bulb.

Grapefruit! Let's go,
baby! Come on! Game on.

Smash ball! Smash
ball! Smash ball!

Dude, the citrus
is burning my eyes!

I can't see! That's awesome!

Barry Goldberg,
king of smash ball

and king of the JTP.


This was fun. See ya.


You just got here, man.

You said tonight was
gonna be legendary.

Sorry, guys. I made
plans with my special lady.

What happened to you, bro?

Since that girl
came into your life,

it's like we don't
even exist, man.

Yeah, dude. It's time
you made a choice.

It's either us or the super-hot,

popular girl that
you make out with.

Her. 100% her.

Lainey? You're here?

I've been calling your
house for the last two hours!

We have to get ready for
Anthony Balsamo's party.

God, I'm so sorry, Erica.

I totally forgot.

Me and Bar decided
we were gonna stay in

and have a romantic
evening together.

I've been holding in
a fart this whole time.


Well, I can't just go
to the party by myself.

That's pathetic.

It is pathetic.

Invite her to watch with us.

I'd rather not. I
find she sucks.

I can hear you.

And you suck.

Lainey, next Friday we're
hanging out. No excuses.

Ooh, my girl's

gonna be busy that night.

Tickets to the Heart concert?

No way! Lainey and
I have been talking

about going for months!

Which is how I knew

it'd score me major points

to get us tickets.

I can't believe
you pulled this off.

You are the best!

Oh my God. What is that smell?

Hey, guys?

Things have been
kind of weird with Dana.

Thought I should
ask you about it.

Sure thing, kiddo.
Happy to help.

And I, also, am here.

Why is Dana super pissed at
me for siding with mom over her

when it comes to raising kids?

You never side with your
mother over your lady, you moron.

Pack up your toys and
move to another town.

The life you've
built here is over.

But it's like what
mom always says,

"Happy mom, happy life."

No! The phrase is,
"Happy wife, happy life."

It rhymes!

I thought "Happy mom,
happy life" was clunky!

I'm such a putz!

Oh, it's Dana.
What do I tell her?

That she's calling the
shots in your relationship.

You hear me? Now,
tell her, damn you!

Hey. It's getting late,
so we should feed...


Actually, I've been thinking.

Let's go with Leia,
the name you want.

Really? What about your mom?

Hey, this is your Cabbage Patch,

and I completely
and fully support

your decisions on all matters.

Thank you. I mean,

I totally appreciate your
mom wanting to help,

but she needs to
know it's our project.


So you'll let her know?
Know what, now?

You know, to stay out of it.

Set some boundaries.

Boundaries? Whoa.

Uh, you know my
mom. That's a big ask.

I guess I could talk to her.

You know what? Yeah.

That's perfect. She's
in the kitchen right now.

I not only took their
advice, I hit it out of the park.

Are you nuts?

You never let your
mother and your wife

hash things out with each other.

You got to be the buffer.

Otherwise, it
spirals into chaos.

Okay, you guys need to
tell me this great advice

before I fudge the bed!

While I was running off
to save my relationship,

the JTP was still mourning
the loss of Barry Goldberg.

Dudes, it's Barry's
bananas hot sister.

Okay, be cool.

Let the ladies man handle this.


I'm panicking.
Someone take over.

Uh, greetings, m'lady.

Uh, what doth bring
thou to our domain?

So, this is where you guys
hang out all the time, huh?

What do you do here?

Do you wanna play
smash ball with us?

I really don't.

Smash ball. Smash ball.

Smash ball! Smash ball!

Smash ball! Smash ball!

Okay! Okay!

Stop saying "Smash ball."

Fine. I'll play your weird game.


Okay. In there. Not gonna
touch you. It's over there.

Okay. And then... Lettuce.

Got it. All right.

Um, okay.

Let's go. Let's go.

And just like that,

Erica swung her way
into the hearts of the JTP.

Big E!

Yes! Whoo!

So, you guys going to
Anthony Balsamo's party?

Hell yeah! Party!


So, you guys don't
know about it, then?

No, what's, where
is that? No, we don't.


Well, I guess you
guys can tag along,

if you don't act weird

and Naked Rob doesn't get naked.

That's cool. I only get
naked around dudes.

After a surprisingly fun
night with Barry's friends,

my sister formulated a plan to
reclaim her friend from Barry.

Yo, big E! Over here!

Oh, dude, she's coming over.

What the hell is she doing?

Looks like she joined the JTP.



No. No way!

You can't say JTP

unless you're in the JTP.

Which is why she said it.

And you're out, bro.

We got a new leader.

One who actually gets
us into cool parties.

Wait, you took them to
Anthony Balsamo's party?

You were too busy running your
hands over Barry's lumpy melon.

Nice burn, Big E.

You can't call her Big E.

That's way too
close to Big Tasty.

It'll cause
marketplace confusion!

I'm sorry, Bar, but it looks
like Big E's in charge now.

JTP out.

JTP out!

JTP out.

Aw, sweetie. You're not
allowed to say that anymore.

I thought raising a fake baby
with Dana would bring us together,

but it was only
pushing us apart.

Hey. You would not
believe the day I've had.

Don't care. Just take her.

Whoa, whoa. What's this?

At least let me walk
through the door.

I've been here dealing
with the baby all by myself.

This assignment's
impossible. Where were you?

Out mowing lawns.
You know, my job.

Nice try. I called Mrs. Bales.

That ended two hours ago.

I went to the arcade
to blow off some steam

with some buddies.

And why are you even
checking up on me?

I played one game and left.

One game? Please.

I smell pizza on your breath.

It's not my fault. I didn't
even ask for this kid!


This is super weird.

Maybe we should just
take a break from all of this,

and-and go to a
movie or something.

Just us, no baby.

We can get a sitter.

And so we did get a sitter,

a man who had
been sitting on his ass

for as long as I could remember.

Unfortunately, my mom wasn't one

to sit on the sidelines
of any situation.

What's that? What's what?

That little foot sticking out.

Just Adam's baby. I'm
using it for lumbar support.

Did they entrust
the baby to you?

Over me?

Over me?



You do know
none of this is real?

Oh, it's real. Don't you get it?

This is how Adam
is gonna treat me

when I really am a bubbie.

I'm gonna prove to him

that I'm the best grandma ever.

Grandma, Gam-Gam, Bubbie,

didn't matter what she went by.

My mom was
determined to be the best.

She changed the toy. She fed it.

She even took it to the park.

Oh, your baby's so cute.

Aw. And yours is...

Oh, boy. Thank you.

Yep. My mom was on
her way to helping us

get an A on this assignment.

Until a dog mistook
the baby for a chew toy.

My baby.

Somebody stole my baby!

Well, not real baby, fake baby.

It's a toy. Somebody
stole my toy!

I'm gonna get attitude
from my son's pretend wife!

Can someone call the police?

Or Toys "R" Us?

I don't know anymore!

As my mom was realizing

she had to figure out how
to replace our little angel,

Barry was learning just
how replaceable he was.

No way.

Brian's Song?

That's our secret guy-cry movie!

Beat it, Bar. This is just JTP.


Get over here. Get over here.

You can't just use my friends

as pawns in your sick game.

You can have your precious
JTP back anytime you want.

Just stop hanging
out with Lainey.

Your move.

But, unfortunately for Erica,

the next move was not Barry's.

Gah! What are you...

I came for a root beer, too.

It's crazy how we
had the same idea.

It's like... It's
like fate, right?

Here, let me.

♪ Till now

♪ I always got by on my own

♪ I never really
cared until I met you ♪


We should probably
get back to the movie.

Everyone's probably
wondering where we are.

We've been gone three minutes.

It feels like forever.

Such a beautiful movie about
friendship and football and...

I'll get you a...

♪ Till now, I always got by...


We both went for the...
What are the odds?

It's crazy, right?

What's happening?

You tell me.

♪ And now it chills
me to the bone ♪

I'm just gonna go sit over here.

♪ Till now, I always
got by on my own...

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

For the first time
in a long time,

I think I'm gonna be just fine.

♪ And now it chills me to... ♪

Um, guys, take a seat for me.

To be clear, we're all
just friends here, right?

Just friends. Amigos.

I love you.

Okay, I'm just gonna
leave my own house now.

Across town, my mom was
desperate to save my grade,

and her reputation as a bubbie,

but Cabbage Patch Kids
were in such high demand

that her only chance was
to turn to the black market.


You Rick?

Shh. No names, all
right? Just be cool.

What do you need?

I got Glo Worm, I got
Voltron, I got Koosa,

I got My Little Pony.

Oh, I also have the
strongest heroine in the world.


She-Ra, Princess of Power.

There's no stronger
heroine out there.

I need a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Female, red yarny
hair, blue eyes.

You got expensive taste, girl.

CPK's are sold out
across the country.

It's gonna cost ya.

Yes. That's what Bubbie needs.

How much for that one?

For a pretty lady like you,

I suppose I could let
one go for three large.


Is that what "large" is?

I meant $300.

Well, that's still ridiculous.

As my mom was trying to
negotiate the best possible price,

we were about to pay the price
for not getting a real babysitter.

Hey, Dad, how'd it go?

Really, really bad.

Mom? Shh.

Baby's sleeping.

Just kidding. Her eyes
are wide open all the time.

But don't worry.
We had a great day.

And I did everything
the spinner said.

I'd say I proved I'm
an excellent bubbie.

Excellent how? Adam, look at it.

Oh! Balls!

This is a fake. What
did you do, Mom?

Okay, there are some ugly
accusations flying about,

and if that's not Myrna, then I
have failed as a grandmother.

Read the label.

"Lettuce Crop Child."

That is unfortunate.

You know what? You
two should just finish

this project together.

Wait! Don't go! I
can't be a single dad!

Oh, you'll never be single as
long as you have me, Schmoopie.

♪ Till now, I always
got by on my own... ♪

Geoff, what are you doing?

It's from Say Anything.

That's how your
dorky little brother

got a hot girl way
out of his league.

That's not even the right song!

To be honest, I
never saw the movie.

Stop Say Anything-ing
me and go home.

Erica Goldberg,
leader of the JTP.

I proclaim my love...
What the hell, Geoff?

Get lost, pal! I
called her first!

Uh, no. No one called me.

I'm not callable.

Erica Goldberg!

Listen to this sweet song
and know my heart is...

Dude, you took my boombox?

Relax. I just
needed it for tonight.

Yeah, well, so did I!

I had to borrow my
uncle's cheap-ass radio,

and it's stuck on Tejano music.

Okay, both of you shut
up, because she's mine!

She's... Stop it!
That's not true!

She's mine! That's not true!

No! Stop it!

None of you will win me!

You have to... Oh, my god!

Naked Rob is naked
under that coat!

I wanted you to be the
first girl to see me naked!

Well, well.

Looks like the worm
is on the other foot.

Help me! Please make it stop!

Messing with those poor goobers

to break us up is so not cool.

What was I supposed to do?

I get it. You two make
each other happy.

But I didn't know
that meant I'd lose you

and be left all alone.


Does this look like a
Cabbage Patch Kid to you?

Okay, this is a
Cabbage Patch Kid.


This looks like something
in a horror movie

where the doll comes alive
and terrorizes a lakeside town.

Look, it's not Dana's fault.

Please don't fail her. Fail me.

No, it's my fault.

If you're gonna
fail anyone, fail me.

I can't fail you, Mrs.
Goldberg. You're an adult.

Also, why are you here?

Yeah, Adam. Why is she here?

I'm just trying to help, like
any good bubbie would.

A good bubbie doesn't
lose her grandchild.

I heard that. Bubbies
hear everything.


Gah! Mom, I know you mean well,

but all you've done is screw
things up for me and Dana.

Look, I don't know
when I'll have a family,

and I don't know
who it'll be with.

It-it could be Dana.

It could be Molly Ringwald.

All I know is that
when I do get married,

you're gonna need to butt out.

Okay, but I... No "buts,"

except for yours butting out.

Thanks for coming.

I'm sure you're all wondering
why I brought you here.

You're gonna choose which
one of us you'll take as your lover.

Ew! God, no! I'm doing the
complete opposite of that.

I'm resigning as
leader of the JTP.


Did you even hear what I said?

I'm out! No more JTP!


God! Allow me.

Here's the deal, fellas.

You're all so insanely awesome

that Erica loves
you all equally.


For her to choose one
of you would literally

break her brain in half,

sending her into a coma forever.

Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.

Her only real option
is to step down

so I can resume my role
as leader and god of the JTP.



Your Heart tickets? Seriously?

Think I'm gonna hang
with my boys that night.

I suggest you
hang with your girl.

Want to? Yes!

♪ But the secret
is still my own...

It was one of those
major life lessons

Barry and Erica had
to learn the hard way.

Sometimes, you'll find that special
someone who changes everything,

but having your best
friends there to cheer you on

is what the game is all about.

♪ Till now, I always
got by on my own...

Mr. Goldberg, a moment please.

I've changed my
mind on your grade.

Really? You know,

the point of the project was to
learn what it's like to be a real parent.

Changing diapers,
oh, that's easy.

Protecting your lady from
her nightmare in-laws?

That's an A.

♪ How do I get you alone?


What's all this?

A thank you for
standing up for me,

and an apology for
how weird things got.

It got quite weird.

But I give you my
word. From now on,

I'm gonna make sure
my mom stays as far away

from us as possible.

Actually, your mom's not so bad.

She's the one
who invited me over

and helped me with all this.

In the end, my mom stopped
worrying about being the best bubbie

and just focused on
being my awesome mom.

Oh God, Mur.
Butting out is so hard.

Yeah, but look at him.
He's having so much fun.

Doesn't that make you happy?

♪ I never really
cared until I met you...

Damn it, it does.

That's good for me.

Happy wife, happy life.

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

That's the thing
about being a parent.

It's tough, and it doesn't come

with a spinner and instructions.

You learn as you go.

But seeing the smile
on my face that night

gave my mom a new saying,

"Happy kids, happy life."

Ah. Back for more?

I came to return this
shoddy knock-off.

You bought a bootleg
toy out of a trunk.

All sales are final.

Well, at least let
me trade it for this.

♪ Till now, I always
got by on my own

♪ I never really cared
until I met you... ♪

Oh, it's crazy how two people

can reach into a trunk,

and their fingers
just kind of meet.

You know?

I'm gonna take this as
a lesson never to buy

toys from a man's trunk
behind a warehouse.

I also sell a lifetime

of devotion and tenderness.