The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Barry Goldberg's Day Off - full transcript

Taking inspiration from one of his favorite movies, Barry decides to skip school.

Bueller's Day Off.

The epic '80s teen movie

by the epic '80s teen
movie director, John Hughes.

Ferris was effortlessly cool,
confident, and charismatic,

and every teenage
boy wanted to be him,

especially me and Barry.

You're Abe Froman? BARRY
AND ADAM: You're Abe Froman?

That's right, I'm Abe Froman. BARRY
AND ADAM: That's right, I'm Abe Froman.

The Sausage King of Chicago? BARRY
AND ADAM: The Sausage King of Chicago?

Yeah. That's me.
Yeah. That's me.

my God. Ferris is so awesome.

One day, I'm gonna
eat in a fancy restaurant.

And one day, I'm gonna
be able to pull off this beret,

just like Ferris. Never!

Only I can pull that off.
Give me Mom's beret.

constantly fought about

which one of us
was most like Ferris.

Are you kidding me right now?

In what world are you
the Ferris? BARRY: Duh.

We're both cool, we
both date hot ladies,

and we both have
horrible sisters.

All of that applies to me, too.

(SCOFFS) If anything, you're the
sickly goober best friend, Cameron.


You're the emotional wreck who
wears a hockey jersey all the time.

That's classic Cameron, dude.

Don't you dare call me
"the Cameron," Cameron!

I'm Ferris, bro. Deal with it.

Deal with this.



reality, I wasn't Ferris.

I was this.

Hey, guys. Want to be in the
school's video time capsule?

It'll be a learning tool
for future generations.

Yeah, you're a learning
tool for all generations.

(ALL LAUGHING) Good one.

Dude, enough with the camera.

It's creepy and
intrusive and weird.

Just like you.

Thank you for the feedback.

knew I was miles from Ferris,

Barry lived in a
straight-up fantasyland.

'Sup, math club? Calcu-later!

'Sup, band geeks?
Staying out of treble?

I have no idea who you are.

Hey, lover girl. How ya been?

Awful. I just got voted
onto the homecoming court.

We made it?

Yes! I'm gonna need a big crown,
you know, 'cause I have a huge head.

Oh, wow. You really,
um, misread that badly.

You lost, like, big-time.

Anthony Balsamo
won in a landslide.

BARRY: Wait.

You and your dreamy ex-boyfriend

are sharing a
float in the parade?


That's the most romantic of
all modes of transportation.

Chill. We were a
disaster when we dated.

We never talked. All
we did was make out.

This is not getting
better. ERICA: Um...

You're on the homecoming court?

I thought we agreed it
was for stupid, lame losers.

(SCOFFS) It's totally
for stupid, lame losers.

Then why are you doing it?

I wanted to be a part
of it. Yeah, well, so do I.

But you're not
supposed to admit it.

BARRY: So...

Are we still sure
that I didn't win?

Yes! Yes! All right.

I'm gonna go help
make the float.

So lame and fun. (SQUEALS)


This sucks!

I can't compete with Anthony
Balsamo. He's a dreamboat.

Well, if it makes you
feel better, you and Lainey

lasted way longer
than I thought. Well,

I'm gonna be even more
dreamboatier than Anthony Balsamo.

I'm gonna be...

Ferris Bueller.

It's time I have
an epic day off.

Good luck, knob. Mom will
catch you in two seconds.

Spoken like Ferris' shockingly
unlikable sister, Jennifer Grey.

I want out of this family.

That's literally something
Jennifer Grey says.

A day off is exactly what I
need to get my mojo back.

Life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop and look
around once in a while,

you could miss it.

dude, I don't know who you are.

I'm Ferris Bueller.

God! Read a book.

April 27, 1980-something,

and my loving
smother was walking in

on yet another mess
she had to clean up.

I was gone for two minutes.

What the hell happened in here?

We wanted milkshakes, and we
couldn't find the lid to the blender,

so we just used Barry's hands.

It did not work.

The lid was right here.
You didn't even look for it.

I don't know why I
put up with you. I...

BOTH: "I could
have been a lawyer."

ADULT ADAM: My mom used
that catchphrase to remind us

of the imaginary career
she'd given up to raise us.


Stop folding so loudly.
We can't hear the TV.

You know, I did not sign up
for this. I could've been a lawyer.

This is the third time I'm
calling you down for dinner.

Stop ignoring your mother.
I could've been a lawyer!

You know I could
have been a lawyer?

Don't get fresh.

I've given up everything
for you people.

No offense, but being a
lawyer's like a whole thing,

and you only went to
one semester of college.

I don't believe this.

I would like nothing more than
to be out there in the workforce

with my shoulder-padded
power suit,

and my thermos full
of homemade soup...

Maybe chicken noodle
or maybe a nice bisque.

Or stew.

Probably stew.

And we're back to
cooking again. Admit it.

You complain about doing
mom stuff, but you secretly love it.

I'll have you know that
Virginia Kremp has been trying

to get me to work part-time
at the flower shop for years,

and I think it's time I
finally take her up on it.

As of tomorrow, I will
officially start my second job.

What's your first job?

Being a mom!
(CHUCKLING) Unbelievable.

Tomorrow, I am going to
work, no matter what happens.

How could this happen?

Murray, feel his hands.
They're cold and clammy.

I don't want to get sick.

I'm fine. I'll get up.

Not a chance, Mister. (SIGHS)

Don't you worry.

Mama's gonna stay right here
and nurse you back to health.

No! I mean...


Are you seriously
buying this bullcrap?

I mean, he told me in
school he would do this.

He's faking it
like Ferris Bueller.


Is that you?

Please don't be upset with me.

You have your
health. Be thankful.

That's literally a
line from the movie.

Please just watch the
movie. It's all in the movie.

We don't have time to
watch movies right now.

Clearly, your
brother is very sick

and needs his rest. (MOUTHING)

Now go eat breakfast and get to
school. Move! (ERICA SCOFFS)

Bevy, it's your
first day of work.

I'm not gonna let the moron
ruin it. I'll stay with him, okay?

But he needs constant care.

All you'll do is loaf
around in your chair,

watch hours of television,
and eat whatever you want.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
my dad realized my mom was right.

This could be his day off, too.

I'm incredibly offended.

Just to prove you wrong, I
will stay with Barry all day.

Feel better, but don't
stop needing me.


(MUSIC PLAYING) They bought it.

The key to faking out the
parents is the clammy hands.

You fake a stomach cramp,

and when you're bent over
moaning, you lick your palms.

It's a little
childish, but hey...

Stop! I told you, man,

stop touching my
camera. You're not Ferris.

ADULT ADAM: Now all Barry
had to do was outsmart my old man.


Have fun with your thing, Erica.

part was beyond easy.

Next, Barry headed over to
Pops' retirement community

to pick up some sweet wheels.

Hey. How you doin'?
Barry Goldberg.

Give me your Firebird. Okay.

Wow. I didn't expect that.

Okay. Thing is, is
I'm skipping school,

and you can't tell anyone.

That may be a little difficult.

I'm taking the day off, too.

What? You're stealing my thing.

Your thing? I'm the one
that needs the day off.

You're a dumb kid. Your
problems are meaningless.

It's been brought
to my attention

that my whole being might
not be well received at school.

Just like Cameron.

Admit it. Admit
you're the Cameron.

My leopard vest and
boyish charm say otherwise.

That's my look! I'm Ferris!

Enough! I'll be the Camden.
The two of you can be the Fergus.

Does that mean you'll help us?

Normally, I wouldn't let you kids
skip school, but let's be honest.

You both need a day off.

Well, then, let's hit the road.


If you have the means, I highly
recommend picking one up.

I did. It's mine.


Do you have a kiss for Daddy?

Not now, Barry.
I just got a call.

My grandmother passed.

(CHUCKLING) That was me!

I called the school
so you could skip.

Wait. So Meemaw's not dead?


I assume not.

I don't have eyes on
her, but most likely.

Oh, my God. What
is wrong with you?

It's what Ferris does, and
everyone loves him for it.

Idiot! Lainey's grandmother
helped raise her,

and you just told the school
that she got flattened by a semi.

Come on. I need my Sloane.

I even got you a distracting
white fringe jacket.

I can't leave, okay?
It's homecoming.

Plus, I have to call my aunt and
tell her that her mother is alive.


You suck at this.

Shut up!

But he's right.
Let's just go home.

No! We got a day
off to have, kiddo.

Wait, you're actually encouraging
them both to skip school?

Sorry, sweetheart.
They need this.

God, I am so sick of everyone
bending over backwards

for these two losers,
because they fail at life.

Whatever, Jennifer Grey. Have
fun in school while we live it up.

Fine! You want me to be
Jennifer Grey, you'll get her.

But not the awesome one in
Dirty Dancing. (ENGINE REVVING)

that was my fringe jacket.

ADULT ADAM: After a bit of a shaky
start, Barry's day off was under way.

With me at his side,

we would take Philly by
storm and relive the movie.

First up was the museum.

Where are the boobs?

Where are the boobs?

Where are the boobs?

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
trying to re-create

your favorite scene from a movie

isn't as easy as you'd think.

Just take my hand.

Stranger danger.

Hey. Come here.
It's from a movie.

ADULT ADAM: Next up was the
Phillies, and it was gonna be legendary.

Hey, batter! Hey,
batter! Swing, batter!

Hey, butter! Hey,
butter! Sweet butter!

Are you saying, "Sweet butter"?

Shut up. I don't know sports.


Foul ball! Look alive, boys!


unfortunately for us,

the day was becoming
legendary for all the wrong reasons.

And we weren't the only
ones struggling that day.

You okay? You seem blue.

It's just Barry's sick,

and I feel really
guilty being here.

Aw, honey. Welcome to
being a working mama.

You want to get out of that
house, and then when you do,

you can't help but feel like
you're missing out, right?

Thanks, Ginny. It's nice
to know I'm not alone.

And here I was, ready to
bail and go check on him.


Come on. Oh, Bev.

No, your family will still be there
to love you when you get home.

That means a lot. (CHUCKLES)

In fact, you've inspired me.

I think I'm gonna take the
van and do some deliveries,

or whatever it is you
do with a van. 'Kay? Bye.

Wait! You forgot the flowers!

ADULT ADAM: As my mom was
ditching the first day of her new job,

we were making
a last-ditch effort

to get a tiny taste
of Ferris Bueller.

Keep it close, pal.


Hello. May I help you?

Yes, my good man.
I am Abe Froman,

the Cheesesteak
King of Philadelphia.

And I am Gabe Froman,
the emperor of soft pretzels.

Get out of here.
You're terrible.

Take it easy, Ferguses.

Hmm. I don't see
those names on my list.

But that's fine.

We have a beautiful table
for you right by the window.

Whoa! Whoa! You're
gonna seat us just like that?

He just said he's the pretzel
emperor. That's not even a thing.

Well, we pride ourselves on
accommodating all of our guests.

So, if you'll follow me...

No, sir, I will not follow you.

Make it difficult for us to sit.

Yeah. We need to outsmart you
with our comedic shenanigans.

I'm sorry. I don't understand
what's happening right now.

You're supposed to act snooty
and threaten to call the police.

I would never call the police.

Now, if you and the pretzel
emperor will follow me...

Call the police! I demand it!

Don't call the police.

Call the police!
Don't call the police.

We'll just get
our car from valet.

We don't have a valet.

Then you better call the police.

ADULT ADAM: And with
one simple toss of the keys...

Keep it close, pal.

Barry was completely
robbed of his day off.

Unlike the movie, the
Firebird was never seen again.

Even worse, my
mom was flying home

to give her sick little
schmoopie some TLC.

BEVERLY: Ow! I hurt my bottom.

had promised my dad

she wouldn't walk
through that front door

to go see Barry before the
workday was done. (SNORTS)

So instead, she decided to climb
the trellis and go through the window.



Mama's coming, baby.

Oh, it's in my
pantyhose. Damn it.

We are definitely overwatering
this lawn. My pedicure!

Ow, ow, ow!

How's work going?

I told you. He's fine.

Something's wrong. He
didn't come to the window.

I've got to get up there and
put my lips on his forehead.

It's the only way to get
an accurate temperature.

You can't stay away,
can you? You're crazy.

If stealing a van and trying
to break into my own home

so I can snuggle
my boy is crazy,

then I don't want to be sane.

You stole a van?
No time to explain,

mostly 'cause it
makes me look bad.

Barry needs me!

ADULT ADAM: Luckily, my
brother had followed the movie to a T,

and rigged an
elaborate pulley system

to a mannequin to
fake out my mom.


See? The kid's
totally fine. Really?

ADULT ADAM: But Beverly Goldberg was
a lot smarter than the mom in the movie.



Barry's ditching
school. BEVERLY: Wow.

Thank you for telling
me nothing of note.

Did you even hear what I said?

Yes, narc. I'm
also ditching work.

Are you gonna tattle on me, too?

But I... Get back to
class, or you're grounded.

What do you mean, the car's
already been reported stolen?

The question is, how did
you know it was stolen?

I didn't. I mean, I did, because
I reported it, but I didn't really.

I'm gonna go.

No, you're gonna wait for
someone to come and question you.



Thank you, no. I'm good.

No, I meant are you
in here for drugs?


Why are you here?


So, you gonna tell
me your story or what?

Fine. You want to
know what's wrong?

I know what's wrong. I
just want to hear you say it.

In a nutshell, I
hate my brothers.

They think my life is so easy,

but I have problems,
like everyone else.

Like what? My friend got
on the homecoming court,

and I didn't go out for it because
we both agreed it's stupid.

Well, then, what's the problem?

I don't know. I guess, deep
down, I really wanted to be on it.

Then why didn't you go for it?

If there's one thing I know,

being on the junior royal
court opens a lot of doors.

'Cause it's lame, and I didn't
want people to make fun of me.

But I guess that's what I do.

Instead of taking risks, I
just keep my head down.

Maybe that's why Barry
bothers me so much.

He's not afraid to
look like an idiot.

Well, if you ask me,

you ought to spend more
time worrying about yourself,

and less time worrying
about your brother.

All right, you're free to go.

It's about time.

Feels like I've been sitting
here for 30 (BLEEP) years.

ADULT ADAM: Meanwhile,
Barry became so depressed

that he'd never
be Ferris Bueller,

he became catatonic.

Come on. It's not that
bad. We had a great day.

Barry went comatose, we got
pelted with garbage on national TV,

and someone stole your car.

Enough! You can't
force a perfect day.

You got to just
go out and live it

the best way you can,
as you, no one else.

That's exactly what
Ferris would say.

Great. Even our 80-year-old
grandfather is cooler than us.

Man. Look at the guy. I
think he blew a microchip.

POPS: You okay, kiddo?

Blink if you can hear me.

Did he just... Yep.

I'm coming, schmoopie!

Let my body be
your life preserver!

ADULT ADAM: Just like
Ferris had been relentlessly

tracked down by
Principal Rooney,

Barry had been tracked
down by my mom.

BEVERLY: Hold on to my
bosom and kick with your legs.

BARRY: Please! I
was about to hit bottom.

breathe air into your lungs.

BARRY: Gross!

ADULT ADAM: It was official.
Barry's day off was a total failure.

And even worse, my mom ended
up grounding him for a month.

♪ When Barry was in Egypt's land

♪ Let my Barry go ♪

You okay? I'm dying.

Dude, get up. It's homecoming.

You got to be there for Lainey.

What's the point? I'm grounded.

Maybe Ferris can
sneak out, but not me.

Not Cameron.

What if I told you that
Ferris isn't even real?

I know. It's just a movie.

That's not what I mean.

There's this theory
that he's just a figment

of Cameron's imagination.

That would make Cameron the hero

and Ferris just the
guy he wants to be.

So, even if I'm Cameron,
I can still be Ferris?


Why are you cheering me up?

I met a dude who made me
take a good look at myself.

ADULT ADAM: Just then, my
brother realized Erica was right.

Maybe Barry was
Cameron, but that didn't mean

he didn't have a
little Ferris in him, too.

Come on. Let's go to homecoming.

You said you were grounded. Hey,

I'm Barry Goldberg, and if
anyone can outsmart Mom, it's me.

Later! Have fun
with your thing, Erica.

ADULT ADAM: Once again, Barry
had no problem sneaking past my dad.

BEVERLY: Squishy,

I know you're grounded, but that
doesn't mean Mama doesn't love you.

ADULT ADAM: And for 30 seconds,
he had slightly fooled my mom.



Boyfriend a no-show, huh?

Call me old-fashioned,
but a guy who stands you up

deserves to get cheated on.


♪ Oh, shake it up, baby, now

Oh, no.

♪ Twist and shout

♪ Come on, come on
come on come on, baby, now

♪ Come on and work it on out

♪ Well, work it on out, honey

♪ You know you look so good

This isn't what I
meant, you dope!

♪ You know you
got me going now ♪

ADULT ADAM: Even though
Barry was making a fool of himself,

something happened
he never expected.

Every single person in that
audience loved Ferris Bueller, too.

Uh, who is that crazy dude?

That's my boyfriend.

He's doing it. He's
actually doing it.


I'll go get him. No. Let him go.

Sometimes moms need to
know when to take a day off, too.

Sing, baby, sing!

ADULT ADAM: That's when my mom realized
there was a reason she wasn't a lawyer.

She already had the
best job in the world.

As for me, I realized

I didn't want to
be Ferris Bueller

or Cameron or anyone
else in the movie.

I wanted to be the guy who
sat behind the camera, making it.

I wanted to be John Hughes.

Of course, no one could be,
but I might as damn well try.


ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about the movies we grow up with.

We always wish we
could be part of the fantasy,

and for one brief moment,
my brother actually was.

You're still here?

It's over. Go.

Go home. Get out of here.

I don't get why I'm doing this.

Trust me. This will make
you famous one day.

That's it. Go home. Get out
of here. You're done. Goodbye.