The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Cowboy Country - full transcript

Adult adam: Back in the '80s,
being a man's man was simple.

All you needed
was muscles or a mustache.

Unfortunately, I was miles
from dolph lundgren

And no chuck norris...Yet.

Get scared, boys.
Goldberg's coming for you.

Adult adam:
I was what you'd call
a late bloomer,

Like the latest...Ever.

What's up, goldnerd?
How was your winter break?

J.C. Spink? What the...

What happened to you?

Grew a ton, I stink,
got acne all over my back.



It's awesome.

But worst of all,
the girls were growing
even faster,

Especially my girlfriend,
dana caldwell.

Anthony: Yo, girls.

Mainly you.

Um, hi.

There's a party
at the water tower.

Usually there's
no freshman allowed,

But for you,
I'll make an exception.

Actually,
I'm not a freshmen.

Adam f. Goldberg.
Pleasure.

Uh, what's this
about a party?

Uh, I'll see you there,
dana.

And, uh, don't bring
your little brother.



I'm actually four months
and 16 days older than her,

And we're together.

Weird. Anthony balsamo
knows my name.

And he's such a mensch
to invite both of us.

Wait...
You want to go to that?

It's just gonna be a bunch
of rowdy high-school guys

Spray-painting dirty words
on the water tower.

Big, bad adam ain't afraid
of no water tower.

Or ghosts, fyi.

Adult adam:
I desperately wanted
my girlfriend, dana,

To see me as a man.

Are you standing
on your tiptoes?

Don't think so.

Adult adam:
And if it wasn't
gonna happen on its own,

I would kick-start
the process myself.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm stimulating
the follicles.

I read it in gq.

It's a magazine
for stylish men of means.

Okay, everybody out.

I need to use the...
Oh, my god.

Are you using
my lady bic?

I'm stimulating
the follicles!

Ha, you suck!

Barry, get the camera!
Adam's being adam!

What's with all the yelling?

Oh, my joy!

Is my baby
trying to shave?

(gasps)
I'm stimulating
the follicles.

Oh!
I got the polaroid!

Say peach fuzz!

¶ I'm twisted up inside

¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say

¶ I don't know the future

¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶

Adult adam:
It was January 7th,
1980-something,

And my brother, barry,
had his first
real-live girlfriend,

Lainey lewis.

You went through my backpack
and ate my pudding?

Who does that?

Aw, so cute
when my boyfriend flies
into a rage over pudding.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.

You just said "boyfriend"
out loud,

In front of other
teenage human people.

Dude, it's not a big deal.

It's just...

I've never been this happy.

Aw.

Don't celebrate just yet.

My dad has to meet
your dad first.

It's like his only rule.

He needs to know
you come from good stock.

I don't.

You've seen my stock.
It's like terrible stock.

I have a plan.

We'll have you guys
come to a football game,

So they'll be distracted
and drinking a lot.

That's genius!
Think you can get him
to come over?

Hey, big tasty knows
how to handle
murray goldberg.

There's a 100% chance
my dad will be there.

There's a zero percent chance
I will be there.

Please. It's just one
little football game.

Little? We're talking
cowboys-eagles here!

It's the biggest game
of the year.

It's the only thing I care
about in the entire world.

More than your child?
Yes.

You put me in a position
where I had to say it,

And now that I did,
I feel free.

If I hear you say no again,
I'm hulking out.

We're talking
screaming and swearing.

I'm gonna smash
this decorative box!

Do not hulk out!

Do not smash
that decorative box!

Say goodbye
to the decorative box!

Your mom keeps
her knickknacks in there.

I'll destroy
her knickknacks, too!

Hulk doesn't respect
knickknacks!

Fine!
I'll do your stupid thing!

Where are we going again?

Do you even listen
when I talk?

I get the gist of it,
say no a lot.

I make it work.

I'm cool with that.

Adult adam:
While barry was hulking out
for lainey,

I was bulking up for dana.

"buns of steel?"

"just five minutes a day

"for the working mom
on the go."

That can vaguely apply
to me.

Okay, what's going on
with you?

All the guys at school
are turning into grown men,

And I still have
a little-boy body.

Ah, puberty.

I was an early
bloomer myself.

Those were the days.

(sighs)
that's not helpful,
is it?

No! My girlfriend's
is about to be stolen
by anthony balsamo.

I don't know who this
balsamic character is,

But I'm sure
you don't need to worry.

No, he should worry.

Panic even.

I mean,
anthony balsamo's a 10.

Mom says I'm a 10.

She also says
barry can be a doctor.

Oh, god, pops,
help me!

It's a lie, I'm not a 10.

If anthony balsamo's
got his eye on your girl,

You got to think big.

In this case,
maybe a diamond or a car

Or an exotic trip
around the world.

Adam, you can't buy
a girlfriend.

Unless she's
out of your league.

Then you've got to pull out
all the stops.

Okay, then, jewelry it is.

I could give her my sweet
green lantern ring.

Or you keep looking.

No, it's perfect.
Just sleep on it.

Why?
It glows and everything.

It's for nerds, okay?

Nerds.

I'm sorry,

But you left me
no choice.

Adult adam:
They were right.

They only way
to lock down dana

Was with a big,
sparkly ring.

Lucky for me,
my nana left me
the perfect one.

My mom said, one day,

I'd give it to the woman
of my dreams.

Surely, she was thinking
middle school, right?

(gasps)

You like?
Adam, it's too much.

Nothing's too much
for my number one
special lady friend.

(laughs)
it's beautiful.

Be sure to wear it tonight
to the water tower.

You still want go
to that party?

That balsamo kid
was nice enough
to invite us.

The least we could do
is pop in and
show your ring off.

Adam frederick goldberg!

Put it away. Oh, god.
Hide your ring.

Oh, god, she knows.

How does she know?
How do you know?

I have an itemized inventory
right here

Of everything that goes in
and out of our house.

Now give me
nana's ring.
No.

You said, one day,
I could give it to
the woman of my choosing,

And I choose dana.

By woman of your choosing,
I meant of our choosing.

I'm a man,
I made this decision,

And now there's nothing
that you can do about it.

Oh, yes, there is.

Hi, mrs. Goldberg.

Dana, lovely to see you.

I'm gonna need
that ring back.

Mom, do not do this.

Ring.
Do not.

Ring, ring, ring.
Do not.

Ring, ring. Who's there?
It's me. I want my ring back.

Okay, I'll take it off.

(ring clatters)

Just put it back
on my finger
before you lose it.

(laughing)
check it out.

Goldnerd's proposing
to his mom,

And she said yes!

That's not what happened!
Oh, she said no.

(all laughing)

There. You're happy now?

I do.

I mean, I am.

Hi, mr. Goldberg,
thanks for coming.

My dad's excited
to meet you.

Hi, barry.
Hey, hey.

Oh, hey, there he is.
Hey, hey.

Dad, you know barry,
mr. Goldberg.

Yep. Hey,
bill lewis of bill lewis
tile and flooring.

Murray goldberg
of this moron's father.

(laughs)
classic mur-man.

He kids.

Big game today.

You guys are lucky

'cause I just bought
a brand-new big-screen tv
to watch it on.

What you got, 27?
(whistles)

32?
(imitates cranking)

34?
53 inches of pure
magic, my friend.

You are a dirty liar.

Come here.
(chuckles)

Oh...My...God.
It's real.

(choir vocalizing)
adult adam: Ah,
the '80s projection tv.

It was blurry
and weighed more than a car,

But it was the envy
of every man.

I know we just met...

...But I want to live
with you, bill.
I choose you.

Wow. I think this may work.

And it did,
for about two more seconds.

Murray, you can come over
for any game you want.

(vocalizing stops)
everybody's welcome
in cowboy country.

Good god.
What is this place?

I think he said
cowboy country.

Isn't it great?

How could you
do this to me?

They're cowboy fans.

I can't watch
the biggest game
of the year

In enemy territory!

I'm sorry, okay?
Lainey didn't tell me.

Lainey: I did. Remember?

I told you all about it
in your room...

When we were studying.

You can't expect me
to listen to what
you're saying while we're...

Studying.

Morons! I know what
"studying" means!

Look, you can still root
for the eagles,

Just not out loud.

Please. It's going so well.
My dad actually likes you.

He never likes anyone.

Fine. I will stay
for one quarter,

But after that, I go home
and watch with my chair.

Who wants
some barbecued eagle?

(laughs) I'm just fooling.
It's chicken.

But that's what
the eagles are, right?

A bunch of chickens.

(clucking)

(laughs)

Adult adam:
As livid as my dad was,

It didn't come close
to the rage in my heart.

Stop your stomping.

I get it,
your little feet are mad,

But you are
much too young

To be giving little girls
big, honking sparklers.

Fine! I'll just get her
a ring of my own!

I'll mow every damn lawn
in this town if I have to.

What do I need to score
a ring like that, huh?

Ten, twelve g's?

You know what? I thought
we were gonna be able

To discuss this
like reasonable people,

But clearly,
your little body's
all worked up.

Stop calling
my parts little!

I'm a man! A big man!

Uh-huh!

Well, you're grounded,
big man.

That means no computer,
no television,

No phone, no dana.

(sighs)

Don't look at me like that.
I know what you're thinking,

But he crossed a line
with that ring.

And don't tell me

I'm trying to keep him
a baby forever

Because I'm not,

Although he is growing up
at an alarming rate.

And this isn't because
I am devastated or jealous

Or threatened that he's got
a new woman in his life,

Because she is not a woman,
she is a girl

And I am the woman.

I'm his mother, of course,
but he's mine...

Ours, all of ours.

Shut up!

(whirring)

Hey. You okay?
No, I'm not okay!

Dana's at the
water tower right now
with anthony balsamo.

I can't let him swoop in
on my gal.

I got to fix this.

Oh, good, you came up
with another great way

For a robot
to solve your problems.

I will let love
and eight d batteries

Carry my letter to dana
at the water tower.

There's nothing that
can stand in omnibot's way.

Nothing!

Omnibot, no!

You know grass
is your kryptonite!

Well, here's an idea.

A real man would
find dana himself.

I can't. You heard mom,
she would ground me forever.

Well, maybe some things
in life are just worth it.

Adult adam: In that moment,
I realized erica was right.

It was time to stop letting
a robot do a man's job.

Run! Run and show her
what a man you are!

What a tiny,
little man you are.

And it's good!
(crowd cheering)

Three on the board!

Three on the board.
(bell rattles)

Three on the board.
Three on the board.

Sweet lord, make him stop.

You know, dick vermeil
has no business coaching
men's football.

Maybe, at best,
women's volleyball.

Not the olympic kind.

Like a casual,
two-woman game on a beach,
am I right, mur?

Adult adam:
After a quarter of agony,

My dad was at
his breaking point,

And then this happened.

Oh! Oh, yeah!
Mike quick!

Just beat the kicker!
Just beat the kicker!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Touchdown!

Oh, whoa, whoa!

Oh, crap.

We're done.
Yeah.

You're an eagles fan?

This is, uh, philadelphia,
and I root for two teams...

The eagles

And whoever's
playing the cowboys.

But at least
we all can agree
the giants suck.

Am I right?

In my house,
we root for one team
and one team only.

That's america's team.

If anyone's america's team,
it's philly...

Home of the liberty bell,
ben franklin, and rocky .

Your city's so bad
you could only come up

With is a mediocre
boxing movie

And a broken bell.

Okay, we're all
saying things that are
hurtful and untrue.

I say we hug.

We'll start.
You guys join.

No.

I never understood
why you liked this bonehead,

But after meeting his dad,
I really don't get it.

I don't have to sit here
and watch my son be insulted

By a man who sells the
fourth-best type of flooring.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no.

There's only one thing
worse than bad-mouthing
the cowboys,

And that's talking nonsense
about tile.

You can't name one better
flooring option!

Not one!

Carpet, wood, linoleum,
brick, marble, astroturf.

Enough!

It'll be a cold day in hell

When my daughter dates
a no-good, tile-hating
eagle fan.

I think you guys
should leave.

I'm a step ahead of you!
Ca-caw!

Stop it.
What is that?

I am an eagle,
flying on my wings
to victory.

Ca-caw!

Eagles don't "ca-caw!"

Nobody knows the sound
an eagle makes!

(shouts) nobody!

(door opens)

Barry.

Eagles don't ca-caw.

Murray: Ca-caw!

Adult adam:
As barry was watching
his first love fly away,

I was getting ready
to climb to new heights

To show dana
what a man looked like.

Adam? I thought
you were grounded.

This is how grounded
I'm not.

(rattling)

Wait. You can't climb that,
it's too dangerous.

(crowd murmuring)

Dana isabelle caldwell,
you're worth it.

Adult adam:
And so, my climb
into greatness began.

Sure, I was a clumsy doof
with limited hand
and leg strength,

But I wouldn't let
my shortcomings stop me.

I had to show anthony balsamo
and the rest of my school

That adam goldberg
was the manliest of men.

It was my moment.

The wind was at my back,
my heart was pounding,

And I knew exactly
what I needed to write

To show all of jenkintown
that dana was my girl.

Nothing on god's green earth
could stop me.

No!

Come on! Damn it!

Well, nothing,
except for an empty can
of spray paint.

Oh, balls!

Do you know that guy,
dan?

Not that well.

Adult adam:
Even more unfortunate...

Oh, balls!

I got so swept up
in being man

That I'd forgotten
about my crippling
fear or heights.

(siren wails)

Also unfortunate,
they had to call
the fire department.

Turns out,
being swaddled like a baby

Didn't help my case
on proving my manhood.

Hey, you okay, bro?

(bleep) dan.

Adult adam:
Even though the eagles
lost pretty bad that day,

Barry was taking his loss
even harder.

What the hell
are you doing?

Just sorting
through the treasures
of our relationship.

The flyer shirt
she hated,

The stop sign
where she wanted to go left

And I wanted to go right,

So I got nervous,
went straight.

You might not
understand this, but...

Eagles and cowboys
just don't mix.

You and lainey
were doomed from the start.

We just root
for different teams.

So what?
So it gets complicated.

I've seen people try,
but it's, uh...

Well, that's a tough life.

You're living
in the past!

I don't see teams,
I see people.

Everyone sees teams.

Well, as much as I care
about the eagles...

I care about lainey more.

That's a damn big thing
to say.

I know it is.
You better mean it.

I do.

Well, let's get in
the damn car.

And bring
the stop sign.

We got to put it back.
It's a serious crime.

Bill, we need to talk.

I've got nothing
to say to you.

Look, I know
things got personal.

You said some things
about rocky.

I said some things
about floor tiling.

We got great kids,
and they like each other.

So let's just
move past this.

Mur, I'm a reasonable man.

I'll let lainey see barry

If you admit the cowboys
are america's team.

Reasonable?

That's not reasonable,
that's the opposite
of reasonable.

Dad, come on.
Let him try it on.

I'll do it.
Wait, seriously?

(sighs)

(mumbling)
the cowboys are...
What's that?

Cowboys...
(speaks gibberish)

I couldn't quite
hear you.
Cowboys... (mumbles)

Adult adam:
Even though my brother liked
lainey more than the eagles,

He hated watching
our dad get ridiculed.

The cowboys...

Suck!

They suck!
The cowboys suck!

I'm sorry, lainey,
they suck so hard.

I think we're done here.

Damn right we are! Ca-caw!
Ca-caw!

Stop it!
Ca-caw!

Eagles don't make
that noise!

Ca-caw!
It makes no sense!

Both: Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Adult adam:
While barry and my dad
were flying high,

Erica was trying to keep
my smother grounded.

Where is he?
Where is my boy?

I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.

Tell me
where my favorite child is,

Or this is gonna get
real mean.

Meaner than that?
Cut it out.

Do what you will,
I won't crack.

Wow. Standing up
for your brother.

I'm proud of you, really.

What are you doing?

Just demonstrating
how I'll be showing up
to school next year

If you don't start talking.

(scoffs) you think
a few curlers scare me?

Wow. You put those in fast,
you're like a hair ninja.

Oh, it won't just
be curlers.

It'll be the whole
pre-bedtime routine.

(lisping) hi, erica,
it's me, your mother.

He's at the water tower.
You're weak.

I know.

Hey!

You are in
so much trouble, mister!

You thought
you were grounded before?

Well, you are
really grounded now.

It doesn't matter!

After tonight,
dana will never want
to see me again anyway.

What happened?

You were right.

I'm a little boy,

And every time
I try and be a man,

I just end up proving
I'm the farthest thing
from it.

I just...

I hate who I am right now.

Don't say that.

Look, I know this is hard
for you to understand,

But this period
of your life...
(clicks tongue)

It's only gonna last
a little while.

I'm sure, for you,
it seems like
it'll last forever,

But believe me,
it doesn't.

In fact, for me,

It all seems like
it's just going by so fast.

Just take me home.

(dire straits
romeo and juliet plays)

(brakes squeal)

Okay. Here's your stop.

But this is
dana's house.

Yeah. Go talk to her.

Really? You said
I wasn't allowed
to see her anymore.

I know what I said.

Go.

¶ a lovestruck romeo

¶ sings the streets
a serenade

¶ laying everybody low

¶ with a love song
that he made

¶ finds a streetlight

¶ steps out of the shade

¶ says something like... ¶

Adam?
We need to talk.

Okay, I'll come down.

No, wait.

I'll come up.

Adult adam: That night,
I was determined

To climb my way
into manhood.

Or at least make it
to dana's window

Without having
to be rescued
by firemen.

You know, you really need
to stop climbing things.

Look, all I wanted
was to be seen
as your boyfriend,

Not some little kid.

No one thinks that.

Of course they do.
Look at me.

Adam, look at me.

People think
I'm in high school,

And they stare at me,
and it sucks.

I don't want to go
to their parties.

I just want to ride my bike
and play video games...

With you.

(chuckles)
that sounds awesome.

So, now what?

Now I kiss you?

I'm good with that.

I can't believe you were
actually gonna say

The cowboys were better
than the eagles for me.

For your information,
I was never going
to say that.

Oh, you were
gonna say it.
I wasn't going to say it.

You were gonna say it.

Okay, maybe I like you
a little bit more
than the eagles.

Don't tell the eagles.

(knocking on door)

Lainey, what are you...

My dad hates your guts.

Oh, my god,
he hates you so much.

He forbid me from
ever seeing you again.

Well, thanks for delivering
that message in person.

Don't you get it?

He forbid me.

Forbidden love!
That is so hot!
Huh?

Oh, can't you guys just wait
until I leave the room

Before you start studying?

Ugh. I just ate.

Oh, and by the way,

Even though
the cowboys suck...

I think
barry chose well.

I chose him.

Hmm.

¶ all I do is kiss you

¶ through the bars of a rhyme

¶ julie, I'd do the stars
with you any time ¶

It's my green lantern ring.

It's actually
not worth anything, but...
I love it.

Adult adam:
That's the thing
about young love.

It's weird, it's awkward,
it's confusing as hell,

But no matter what size
you are, it's worth it.

(bell dinging)

Holy why?

Hi, erica.

Okay, fine!
You got me!

But I was only
in atlantic city
for a few hours,

And I wasn't even
with those dudes

When they were arrested.

Adam forgot his lunch.
I just brought it to him.

You said
you would come to school...

I thought you knew.
I didn't.

Then why are you here

Dressed as
my worst nightmare?

'cause some mornings,

It's just tougher to get it
together than others.

Now, moving on
to your punishment?

Oh, I love you, too,
erica!

Yes, this is my daughter!

I baked her in my tummy!