The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Darryl Dawkins Dance - full transcript

Growing up, my brother fancied
himself quite the ladies' man.

Unfortunately, the only
lady who was into him

was this lady.

I know I'm your mother,

but I think I can
say this without bias.

Uh, you are an
Adonis cut from marble

sent from heaven
to be scrumptious.

Oh, you got some schmutz on.

Truth is, Barry had absolutely no
game in the woman department.

Guess who's gonna be
a professional BMX biker.

Guess who doesn't care.



Okay, then.

Yep. No game whatsoever.

♪ Big Tasty wants to
take you on a boat ride

♪ I know it's not good
timing 'cause your cat died ♪

Especially when it came to
Erica's best friend, Lainey.

She was the girl he pined
after since first grade.

Unfortunately, it
wasn't reciprocated.

Yep, my brother
was a lost cause.

Or so we thought.

General Hospital's on. Get out.

Can't. I'm busy.

Doing what? Sitting down
here alone, like a weirdo?

Sometimes I just
like to light a candle

and sit with my thoughts.



Erica, wait!

Lainey?

Hey.

Just looking for my scrunchie.

Guess it's not down there.

It's in your hair.

Oh!

So it is.

It's always the last place
you look. Okay, bye-bye now.

No, come back!

Hold it right there!

Are you and Barry together?

No. Not really. I mean, kind of.

He repulses me, but
I'm still drawn to him.

Ew! I know!

He's clumsy and annoying,

and has those big, brown eyes
and cute dimples when he smiles.

Ew! I know!

Lainey, we're talking
about my brother.

This has to stop!

I know! Ew!

I've tried, but I keep
getting pulled back in.

It's, like, he annoys
me so much,

I just want to kiss
his stupid face.

Ew! I know!

Ladies.

Can I interest either of you
in an orange crush on ice?

You! Me.

Gotta go.

You cannot date my best friend.

It's an unholy
union! I forbid it!

Please do.

Forbidden love is
the best kind of love.

Right after tender and jungle.

Oh!

You're delusional.

Your relationship's
not even real.

Why do you think she's
keeping it a secret?

Oh, we'll see how
much of a secret it is

after Lainey asks me to the
Darryl Dawkins Dance this Friday.

Darryl Dawkins? Do you
mean Sadie Hawkins?

No! I'm talking about the dance

when the girls ask the guys.

It's named after the basketball
player Darryl Dawkins.

Who?

Dr. Dunkenstein,
The Rim Wrecker.

Chocolate Thunder.

"Don't fake the funk
on a nasty dunk."

Why would a dance
where the girls ask the guys

be named after a
basketball player?

'Cause it's like, the
ball's in your court, girl.

That actually makes
a tiny bit of sense.

But Lainey's not asking you.

Oh, she will.

And we'll dance,
and we'll drink punch,

and we'll fall in love,
and we'll get married.

Stop talking.

Keep talking. Who's
getting married?

I heard "married,"
and I came running.

No one. No one.

Well, just so you know,

I've picked out the perfect
person for each of my children,

so whenever you're ready, I can
introduce you to your soulmate.

Pass! Pass!

Come on. Don't you want
what your father and I have?

Bevy!

I dropped your toothbrush
in the toilet again.

Did you do the right
thing and toss it,

or did you put it
back in the holder?

The right thing.

Soulmates.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was Saturday
morning, 1980-something,

and that meant
one thing. Cartoons.

Children across America would
park themselves on the couch

and be sucked into endless
hours of their favorite shows.

There was G.I. Joe, Dinosaucers,
The Real Ghostbusters,

and the greatest one
of all, Transformers.

So, they're robots,
but they're also cars?

And trucks and planes
and sometimes dinosaurs.

Why would you ruin
a perfectly good Fiero

by turning it into
some dumb robot?

Dumb? It's the world's
greatest cartoon.

They just came out
with an animated movie.

They took this and made
it longer? I don't get it.

Oh! But a grown man
hitting a ball with a stick,

that makes sense?

Don't you come after baseball.

It's America's pastime.

And robots are America's
future! Deal with it!

Deal with what?
Robots aren't even real.

Oh, you'll see how real they are

when cyborgs take over

and outlaw your
precious baseball.

Never. And you know why?

Because we will
rise up with our bats

and destroy those
metal bastards.

A bat against a plasma cannon?

Good luck mining steel
for your robot overlords.

Okay, this has
gotten away from us.

I'll take him to the talking-car
movie. You do what you do.

Pops could care less
about my silly cartoon,

but my best friend

would pretend to
love anything for me.

This is amazing.

What's happening?

That's the Autobots.

Those robots are the good guys.

Oh, watch this. They're
about to kick Decepticon butt.

But they didn't.
Instead, they did this.

They killed one
of the good guys.

No.

Actually, they killed
all the good guys.

No!

Even Optimus Prime
was killed in cold blood.

And along with it, my innocence.

Do the good guys
always die like this?

They're not dead.

It's probably a plot twist.

They'll come back
and save the day.

But they didn't.

You ready to go? No.

Optimus will be back.

I don't think he's coming back.

Oh, he's coming back.

Bigger and better and not dead.

He's dead, dude.

While I was feeling down,
Barry was trying to get down.

'Sup, hot lips?

You know the rules.

We only talk through the locker.

'Sup, hot lips?

What do you want?
People are looking.

I was wondering when exactly
you were gonna ask me to the dance.

Yeah, never. 'Cause then
people would see us together.

You know, it kind of sounds like

you don't want to be
seen with me in public.

It sounds like that 'cause
that's exactly what I'm saying.

Aw, come on. Don't give me those

puppy-dog eyes
through the locker.

You know I can't say
no to those baby browns.

Okay, fine!

Just go stag, and I'll
dance adjacent to you

without acknowledging
your presence.

But I was gonna
bring my cardboard

so I can breakdance
for you, baby.

I'm sorry.

Now go away.

Erica saw that longing
look in Lainey's eye

and knew there was
only one thing to do.

Stop it.

Mom, I need you to
get heavily involved

with your son in an
inappropriate way.

I'm in. You name it, I'll do it.

It's Barry.

He's in a serious funk

because nobody's asked him
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Well, when you're that
delicious, it can be intimidating.

That's a theory.

Anyway, I think that
he's ready to meet

that soulmate you
had picked out for him.

Oh, my God! It's
finally happening!

My children are coming to
me to help them find love!

I have literally found him

the most perfect,
beautiful girl in the world.

Great. Now, when
you're looking...

No, let's just do this already.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, Barry
did specifically say

he didn't want me to set him up.

You have to.

This is not me being selfish
or having my own agenda.

It's coming from
a place of love,

because I just want
Barry to be happy.

Me sideways.

I have raised some
thoughtful children.

Come here.

Stand up straight.

There it is.

I mean, who murders
Optimus Prime?

That's like killing Superman
or Knight Rider or Lassie.

You've been ranting about
this for two days, kiddo.

Come on. He's
just a cartoon robot.

To you. To me, he's a hero.

If I made that movie,
Optimus would live forever,

and he would bring
peace to Cybertron!

I don't know what
you're talking about,

but sure, let's make that movie.

We'll right the wrongs of
those Hollywood bastards.

Well, if we do
this, we do it right.

I'm talking
top-of-the-line costumes,

set design, romance,
big-budget stunt work.

I got $75 in my wallet.

Done.

What the hell are you
doing? That's my chair!

Now it's Optimus
Prime's command center.

I'm making an awesome movie.

For how long?

We're thinking five, six months.

What? I know.

It's gonna be tough with
the late-night shooting,

the crew taking over the
house, and the huge water bill.

I got to flood the basement.

Oh, yeah? Well, use
somebody else's chair.

Stop!

You don't understand.

Optimus was
murdered in cold blood.

The Greek exchange student
staying with the Applebaums?

No. That kid's name is Niko.

I'm talking about the
robot I like from the cartoon.

So?

So he's gone,

and if it can happen to
him, it can happen to anyone.

Oh. I see what's happening.

We need to have the death talk.

Eh, I'm fine. We
don't need to talk.

I just think death sucks

and it shouldn't happen,
and I'm gonna undo it.

Yeah, I know it's scary, but
we all got to go sometime.

You got nothing to worry about.

You got your whole
life ahead of you.

Really? Yeah.

Now, if you were an
old man, different story.

All right. Good talk.

But it wasn't a good talk.

Now I was worrying
about my other hero, Pops.

Okay, time for my
big battle scene.

Optimo gets run over and lives.

And hit me with the car.

About that, there
were some rewrites.

In the new scene,

Optimus Prime eats
a fiber-rich breakfast

and goes for a heart-smart walk.

Okay, I'm not understanding
my character here.

You told me I was a badass.

You are. And after this scene,

you're gonna rest
up with some hot tea

under an afghan, like a badass.

Feels like you're taking
the teeth out of this thing.

Well, I'm the director,
and this is my vision.

Now, take a calcium supplement

and stand on your
mark in the shade.

Oh, stop. Just tap me.
Tap me with the car.

You're old. It would
shatter your whole body.

I'll show you old.

Hit me with the car. No!

You get in that car and
you run me over right now.

Forget it! You're too
difficult to work with!

You're fired!

You can't fire me! I'm the star!

I fire you!

You can't fire me! I
brought you onto this project!

Well, I'm pulling the
funding, 'cause I'm very upset.

Even though I'm not quite clear

what we're arguing about.

And I'm walking like this
because of the costume,

not because I'm old.

Barry still might not have had a
date for the Darryl Dawkins dance,

but thanks to Erica's scheme,
he was about to get one.

Love bug, I just
got off the phone.

What's the best news
you could think of?

I'm gonna be on a
Wheaties box with Pete Rose.

Close. I found a wonderful girl,

and she wants to ask you
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

I honestly have no idea
what you're talking about.

She means "Darryl Dawkins."

Oh!

Yeah, forget it. I
hate that stupid dance.

Barry, you should listen to her.

Mom's the best
matchmaker in town, okay?

She set me up with
a ton of great people.

Really? Who?

You know, like, uh...

Mondragor McAlister.

Mondragor McAlister? Who's that?

Well, he's...

Stop talking into your soda can!

Barry, trust your mother.

I found the girl of your dreams.

She's smart, she's pretty,
and she's waiting in the kitchen.

What is she doing?

I already met the girl
of my dreams, Lainey.

She said she might
dance adjacent to me.

Dude, if you knew
what "adjacent" meant,

you would not be okay with that.

Here she is.

This is Evelyn Silver.

I know her mother from
my scrapbooking circle.

Well, I scrapbook, too, but
I'm nothing compared to Bevy.

She's the one who bought me
my first pair of scalloping scissors.

Your mom is my
arts-and-crafts guru.

I mean, I would
have never thought

to cut my pictures
into fun shapes,

like hearts and stars.

Squares are for squares.

Even weirder than Barry
dating Erica's best friend

was Barry dating our mother.

Wait, wait. I know you.

You're the girl at school who
always argues with the teachers.

Only when they're
wrong. Which is a lot.

Oh, duh!

Oh, dear God. I
like your sweater.

- I find it oddly comforting.
- Thank you.

You got some
schmutz on the side of...

This is so, so creepy.

Listen, your mom was thinking

maybe we could go
to the dance together.

Oh, I don't know what...

So you already have a date?

Not really. Well, you do now.

I'm wearing pink, so keep that in
mind when you're buying my corsage.

No carnations. Don't cheap out.

Bevy! Where are my
comfortable loafers?

Did you check by the front door?

Who are you?

I'm Evy. You just called for me.

No, I said "Bevy."

They're by the front door.

Well. Sorry.

And thank you.

Is that your hubby?

Yeah.

What a catch.

Oh, dear God.

What are you doing?

Signing up for
skydiving lessons.

I'll show him who's old.

Okay.

I just got into a
fight with Adam.

You just got into a fight
with Adam? Over what?

He wouldn't run
me over with the car!

Okay.

I mean, all of a sudden,

he's treating me like
some fragile old fogey.

This might
partially be my fault.

I may have said something
along the lines of "old people die,"

and he may have
jumped to conclusions.

What conclusions?

You know, if you're at
the deli counter of life

and you've got your ticket,

you're gonna get your sandwich
sooner than other people will.

What is this horrible
deli? I hate this deli.

We all got to eat
there sometime.

Well, I'm just
gonna have a pickle.

Can't just have a pickle.

I can, and I will.

You can't just have a pickle.

I'm in better shape than you.

Check out these guns!

Why are you yelling at me?

'Cause it's your fault!

You're the old guy wearing the
costume of the dead robot he loves.

You're right. The poor kid.

He's probably scared of
losing his two greatest heroes.

I'm sure there's a couple
of other heroes on that list.

Like me, for example.

Okay.

Evelyn Silver?

How could you go to the
dance with Evelyn Silver?

'Cause she asked me!

Well, she kind of told me.

She's pushy in a way
that feels familiar and safe.

Well, now we're never not
going to the dance together.

But we never were going
to the dance together.

But now we're really never
not going to the dance together.

Okay, I am totally lost here.

I used to not want to be
seen with you in public,

but now I don't want to be
seen with you in private, either.

But if we were in private,
how could anyone see us?

They wouldn't not see us,
but now they'll never not see us!

I think my brain is
about to explode!

See if you understand
this. I'm dumping you.

We were together?

We were together!

Wait! Come back!

We were together.

Pops gave me some time to
cool down from our big blowup.

Unfortunately, I
was hotter than ever.

Hey, kiddo.

Can we talk?

Busy. I'm making a new movie.

Stop-motion animation. You
know what's good about that?

No actors.

Well, you look like
crap. Have you slept?

No, I haven't slept. I'm
making a masterpiece here.

Okay, look.

I know your dad talked
to you about the deli of life,

but you need to know,

I'm not eating a
sandwich just yet.

Maybe it's because
I'm super-tired,

but you're making no sense.

Look, everyone has their time.

But I'm here, I'm awesome,

and I'm not going anywhere
anytime soon, kiddo.

Really? Really.

Want to know my secret?

Hanging out with my best
friend keeps me young.

Now,

what do you say you run
your grandpa over with a car?

I'd love to.

Hey. Aren't you supposed

to be getting ready
for the dance?

What's the point? I
found love, and I lost it.

Now I'm never gonna
talk through a locker

with someone I really
care about again.

Well, Evy seems
creepily into you.

But Lainey was cool
and made me feel alive,

and I pretty much had a
crush on her for my entire life.

But like you said,
she doesn't like me.

Look, I know my best friend.

Lainey likes you.

She just treats you
like an annoying,

twerpy loser
because you let her.

Doesn't matter now.
I ruined everything.

No, I did.

Mom didn't just randomly
set you up on a date.

I may have put her up to it

because I didn't want you
Frenching on my best friend.

What?

I know it was wrong, but now...

I can't believe I'm saying this.

You should be at
the dance with her.

Ew.

♪ Heaven isn't too far away

♪ Closer to it every day ♪

Lainey. We need to talk.

Uh, I'm sorry. I don't know you.

Just hear me out!

No! Leave me alone!

Lainey!

Lainey!

♪ How I love the way you move

♪ And the sparkle in your eyes ♪

Lainey, wait!

Wait! Wait.

Okay, I know I'm
irritating and I sweat a lot

and my rap flow is
too ahead of its time,

so I get why you don't
want to be seen with me.

But I just need
to know one thing.

Do you like me?

I do. Please don't tell anyone.

I won't!

But it's come to my attention

you only treat me this
way because I put up with it.

But I'm here to tell you

I want to put up with it.

Let me stand in the shadows.

Let me only talk to you
through your locker vent.

Let me be your secret shame.

God, you're annoying.

I know.

Come on. Let's dance.

We can still hear
the music out here.

No.

Let's go inside.

Then everyone will see us.

That's the point, dummy.

♪ Heaven isn't too far away

♪ Closer to it every day

♪ No matter what
your friends might say

♪ We'll find our way

♪ Yeah ♪

Yep, Barry Goldberg
was on top of the world,

and no one could ruin that.

Not even Beverly Goldberg.

What the hell is this?

I set Barry up
with his soulmate,

and he's not even with her when I
show up completely unannounced?

Yeah, about that.
Why are you here?

I came to see the lovebirds,

but those are the
wrong lovebirds!

Yeah, but maybe not.

He does look happy.

He really does.

Wait. What happened to Evy?

Oh, I took care of that.

Turns out matchmaking
runs in the family.

Damn it. This is
my only good tie.

Oh, honey, that's okay.

Don't touch it. Rub it out with
club soda. Be good as new.

That's the thing
about growing up.

There's those perfect moments
where life just surprises you.

For Barry, that moment was now.

And for me, I felt that moment
every time I was with my grandfather.

That's the end of you, Optimus.

I literally cannot die!

He was more than my hero.

He was my best friend.

So, what'd you think, kiddo?

I love it.

Optimus! No!

We gather here today to witness
the burial of Optimus Prime.

Later that night...

There's no Optimus! He's gone!

Take the wave from me. What? No.

I don't want the wave.

Come on! Take it!
Stop it! I don't want it!

No wave.

What the hell?

I've been waiting in
the car 10 minutes.

Just watching Barry.
He's quite the dancer.

Looks like a moron to me.

You can say that again.

Evy, I'm gonna go sit in the
comfortable chairs over there.

Sitting? That sounds good.

Okay, yeah, I see it now.