The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Love Is a Mix Tape - full transcript

In the second-season opener, Adam takes the next step in his blossoming relationship with Dana by creating a mix tape for her, but the tape falls into Beverly's hands instead. Elsewhere, Barry gets caught with a fake ID.

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Anyone who grew
up in the '80s will tell you

there's those huge moments
you'll never forget.

Mary Lou Retton winning the gold...
hands across America...

The fall of the Berlin wall...

Alf eating his first cat.

But the thing I remember most
was this... my first kiss.

It was with Dana Caldwell,
the girl down the block,

and with the new school year,

it was time to define our relationship.

It's a genius move, pops.

I can say everything I
need to say to Dana

without actually having to say it.

Forget the tape.
Trust me, I know about women.

If you like a girl,
you tell her face-to-face.

Here's what I know about women...

They confuse and terrify me.

- I'm making a mixtape.
- Someone say mixtape?

It's your lucky day.
You came to the right guy.

But I didn't come to you. You
literally just came to me.

You can't just throw some
top 40 stuff on a tape.

You need to tell a story,
create a narrative about your love.

All right, first question...
Is she your girl?

I don't know.
I haven't seen her all summer.

She went to tennis camp.
I went to space camp.

She's an athlete. You're a nerd.

First song... Paula Abdul,
"Opposites Attract."

- I'm listening.
- Next song, we reel her in

with a silky slow jam by
yours truly, Big Tasty.

- I'm not listening.
- Too late.

Next song, we go with a classic...

Def Leppard's
"Pour some sugar on me."

- That song's nasty.
- Exactly!

Nasty wasn't my style...

So I spent the entire night
making an epic mixtape.

It was the perfect blend of Chicago,

R.E.M., INXS, and Weird Al.

It was pure romance.

And that's our first official mixtape.

I hope you like it as much as I like you.

And just like that,

I had created a piece of musical art...

a veritable love letter for the ears,

guaranteed to capture
the heart of any woman.

Unfortunately, it captured the
heart of the wrong woman.

- Snuggle monster.
- Whoa! Whoa!

What's happening?! What time is it?!

2:00 A.M.
I was just downstairs cleaning,

and I found the mixture
tape you made for me.

Oh, oh.
Mom, here's the thing...

I just couldn't wait till morning

to let you know that I love you, too.


It was a rookie mistake to leave
anything lying around my house,

but my mom wasn't so crazy

that she would actually think
it was for her, right?

- You're still in here, aren't you?
- Love you.

You got to tell her that
mixtape was meant for Dana.

I can't do that. Look how happy she is.

- It would shatter her to pieces.
- Well, you better find a way,

'cause you're heading down
a very dark road here.

- Fluffy and delicious, just like you.
- Oh! Mom...

Uh, listen.
I need to tell you something.

Oh, sweet boy, you've already
said it all with that tape.

Truth is, I was terrified.
You're in middle school now.

That's how old Barry and Erica were
when they stopped loving me.

But now that you've made me this tape,

I know that you still love your mama,

- and you always will.
- Here's the thing, mom.

Pops was right.

It was time to come clean, or do this.

I need a copy.

- Why?
- So...

- We can listen to it at the same time.
- Aww. How adorable.

And you know what?
Tomorrow night after school,

we're getting milkshakes and going to

that "Die Hard" movie
you've wanted to see.

"Die Hard"?!
That's R-rated!

No admission without an adult.

Well, you got your adult
right here, mister.

Did you just make a
date with your mother?

This whole situation is super messed up!

Damn it.
Who ate all the Boo-Berry?

I gave it to Adam 'cause
he's my favorite kid.

You can't say that out loud.

Oh, I can, and I just did.
Both of you, look at me.

Adam's my favorite.

- Yeah, I'm okay with it.
- Me too.

Yep, it was a dark road, all right.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ but nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was September 4, 1980-something,

and Erica was kicking off the
school year in a big way...

with a fake I.D.

Well, nice to make your acquaintance,

- Sophia Lopez.
- Give it back.

You don't want to share it with me?
That's not very generous,

considering you're an organ donor
from the great state of New Hampshire.

- Forget you saw this, understand?
- No can do.

I have a pornographic memory.
I want in.

No way.
You can't handle a fake I.D.

You'll immediately get caught
and ruin it for everyone.

Well, if you don't help me
get one, I'm telling dad.

- You wouldn't.
- Dad!

- Shut up.
- Dad!

You know he always comes
on the third "dad"

'cause he can't ignore it anymore,

And the man won't be happy
'cause he'll have to walk the stairs.

He hates to walk the stairs.

I don't care. I'm not helping you.

- Dad!
- What?!

Why are you calling my name?
What do you want?

The hell's so damn important
that you make me walk the stairs?

Well, I just discovered that Erica is...

Gonna help her brother.
Thank you for your time.

What came next was a classic
Murray Goldberg golden rule...

one he said every day.

Okay, whatever you two are up to,
I'm not bailing you out.

- Understood.
- Understood.

Yeah. Guess I'm downstairs
for the rest of the day.

While Barry's year was looking up,

I was about to lock it down with Dana.

So, do you want to ride our bikes
later? I found a dead snake and

I was wondering if you wanted to
poke it with a stick or something.

Actually, um, a bunch of people
are going to Laserium tonight.

You know, the laser-light show.
Do you want to go together?

I had a perfect opening
to take pop's advice

and be honest with my special lady.

Instead, I did this.

Here. Gotta go.
It's a mixtape!

The good news was
I had a date with Dana Caldwell.

The bad news...
I was double booked.

Who's ready for our movie date?

- I bought a new sweater.
- Yeah, I was thinking, about our date...

Maybe we can hang out
on Saturday instead?

- Really?
- Yeah!

Make a whole day of it.

Pack a picnic, hit the park,
get a paddle boat.

I mean, I don't want to
be stuck in some movie.

I want to talk, find
out what makes you tick,

really dig in.
What do you think?

Holy [bleep] I love that idea!
I love it.

See you on Saturday.

While I was spinning my web of lies,

my brother and sister were working on

- a deception of their own.
- Uh, with double prints,

your film comes out to $17.23.

Before the age of digital cameras,
you actually had to venture

across town to get your pictures
from a creepy guy in a vest.

There's your pictures. Nice pecs.

What do you do, high weight, low reps?

- Yeah.
- I do arms on weekends, legs on Thursday...

- Let me do the talking.
- Of course.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Remember me?
Sophia Lopez.

- I was here last week.
- I want a fake I.D., okay?

You a cop?

- You wearing a wire, buddy?
- Huh?

What's that strap?
What's down here?

All right, if you are wearing
a wire and I catch you, you

have to retire from the force
that day without a pension.

- That's the law.
- Nobody's wearing a wire,

and you should probably read a law book.


All right, let's do this.
Step into the cutout.

Step into the future.
This is so high-tech.

- Yes, it is exciting.
- All right, smile. And three, two, one.

Dude, what are you doing?

No. Just act normal.
Lose the hat. Come on.

But Zeus Alexander Washington
always wears a hat.

Oh, no. That's your name?

That's too many letters, dude.

That's to weird. It's too stupid.

I like my second choice better anyway...

- James Bond.
- Taken.

- Barry Bonds.
- Also taken.

- Barry Fakington!
- What's wrong with you?

Just pick a normal name already.

- Barry Goldberg!
- That's your name.

- Erica Goldberg.
- Idiot, that is my name!

- Sir Richard Chamberlain.
- Stop panicking!

Mr. Clock table!

Now you're just saying
things that you see.

I'll pick you a name, dude, all right?

And just like that, Barry
had his new identity.

Carlos Del Monaco
of Mehoopany, Pennsylvania.

As Barry was getting a
new identity, I was still

getting up the nerve to find
out where I stood with Dana.

Luckily, she made it easy for me.

- I listened to the mixtape.
- Oh.

- Did you like it?
- I played it like four times.

You're a good boyfriend.

There it was.

Proof that if you never
speak your feelings,

eventually, the other person will.

That night, I was walking on air,

and nothing could bring me down.

Hi, Shmoopy.

Did you kids have fun?

- For sure.
- Totally.

Well, everybody buckle up,

'cause we're about to
take a musical journey...

with a special mixtape...

No! No! No! No!
No! No! No!

From my number-one guy.

Hey, it's me.
[Chicago's "You're the inspiration" plays]

I made this tape special for you,
and all the songs on it

remind me of us, especially this one,
'cause you're my inspiration.

♪ You know our love was meant to be ♪

- Is that my mixtape?
- # The kind of love to last forever #

Oh, balls.

♪ And I want you here with me ♪

- You too, Dana. It's fine.
- What's going on?

Why does your mom have my mixtape?

Oh, you're confused.

Um, Adam made me that tape
because I'm the inspiration.

I thought I was the inspiration.

- You are.
- Uh...

- I'm the inspiration.
- Those words are on that tape, yes.

So, then, who's the inspiration, Adam?

Yeah, Adam.
Who is the inspiration?

Did you give me
and your mom the same mixtape?

Okay, both of you like to laugh,
so you'll appreciate this.

- Yes.
- This is weird.

I'm just gonna go grab a
ride with my friends.

- No!
- Yeah, bye, Dana.

Don't go.
I made the tape for you, okay?

But my mom thought it was for her
because she's a freaking lunatic!

I was just trying to spare
her crazy feelings!

Well, I'm glad you spared her feelings.

I had seriously
pissed off my girlfriend.

But maybe I could still
salvage things with my mom.

is "Die Hard" still an option?

Yeah, no. Not happening.

Guess who just turned 25!

Carlos Del Monaco.

Who wants spray paint,
lottery tickets?

I can vote, rent a car,
lease a junior one-bedroom apartment.

I'm all man, all the time!

All right, party's over.
Give me your fake I.D.

Fake I.D.?
Where are you getting this?

I don't know.

Maybe 'cause you've literally shown it
to every student in school.

I have been trying to ignore you all day.

So, I got carried away.
Come on, Coach Meller.

You remember the rush of
having a fake I.D., right?

Ah, geez, all right.
Just don't let me see it again.

You got it. These lips are zipped.

- Yo. You the dude with the fake I.D.?
- Yes, I am.

Carlos Del Monaco at your service.

I'm throwing an end-of-the-summer
bash at my place, seniors only,

but you can come if you
score us some beer.

I can get you all
the beers you want, young man.

How many beers we talking?
Huh? Huh? Huh?

5? 10?

- 10 cases should be enough.
- 10 cases?

Entire senior class is
counting on you, buddy.

Don't let us down.

You got it. You got it.

I'm gonna get the entire senior
class totally loaded tonight

with this little beauty right here.

- No, you're not.
- Damn it!

Dana. Wait.

Look, I...
I know you've been avoiding me,

but we've got to talk
about what happened.

Okay. Talk.

Seemed like my only
option was to finally do

what pops said
and speak from the heart.

Or try the tape thing again.

Oh, I've made you a new mixtape.
Only for you.

- "Adam's sorry jams"?
- Every title has the word "sorry" in it.

That's great, and if I lose that,

I can always get the other
copy from your mom.

Funny stuff.

But we're still on for
Laserium Saturday, right?

- I think I just need some space.
- Space? Totally get it.

You're talking to the dude
that went to space camp.

Even though all the women
in my life were mad at me,

at least I could turn to a
sweet cereal ghost for comfort.

Ah, Boo-Berry.

Or not.

- Aw, dang it. No more Boo-Berry.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I gave the last of it to Erica.

Looks like I'm the favorite kid now.

It won't last long, but I'm enjoying it.

Here you go, pumpkin loaf.

And you...
enjoy your tuna!

I know how well it keeps
on long school days.

If I ever wanted Boo-Berry
or my mother's love again,

I had to give my mom a sincere apology...

that I meant for someone else.

Hey, I made this for you special.

"Adam's sorry jams."

Sweet gesture.
Where's the case?

The case? Oh, no case.

I-I wanted the music to speak for itself.

What's that case-shaped
thing in your pocket?

That's my Uno deck. I...

I have a big tournament at school.
Got to go.

I know you made that
mixture tape for Dana!

No Boo-Berry for you ever again!

As bad as things were for me,
they were even worse for barry.

There you go, mur-man.
Frosty cold one.

I didn't ask for this.
What do you want?


I just thought I'd bring my
old man a bottle of suds.

Speaking of, how many of
those bad boys are in a case?

- 24.
- Damn it. That's so many beers.

I mean, there's only
four here. Why don't we

cruise down to Wawa and
buy you a whole bunch more?

I'm not gonna buy you beer, moron.

Pardon me?
That's not what I'm asking you for.

I'm just...

I'm looking for a fun
father-son activity, you know?

Like... like buying beer.
Or making beer.

That'd be fun, right?

Let's go buy some Yeast and Barley

- and start bonding in the bathtub.
- Okay...

Whatever stupid thing you're up to,
I am not bailing you out.

I know you always say this,
but let's just pretend for one second

- I did something real stupid.
- I can do that.

Isn't it your legal responsibility

- as my father to bail me out?
- No.

It's my responsibility to make you face
whatever dumb-ass decision

you made head on, even if it kills you.
I'm a good dad.

Barry didn't get what he
wanted out of my dad.

But turns out he got what he wanted
out of my dad's wallet.

This should get me through the night.

- I love beer.
- This is all for you?

Sure is.
Missus is a yapper.

- So... you're Murray Goldberg.
- Yeah.

Work down at the old furniture store.

Have the three kids back at home.

I call 'em morons,
but I secretly love them.

So, you're telling me that
you're almost 50 years old?

I just look young.
Got a bit of a baby face.

I'm half Hawaiian.


Okay, Murray.
When's your birthday?

Oh, I should know this.
Damn it!

Obviously, I, uh...
I drink a lot.

You do know that your father
comes in here every morning

- for a cup of coffee, right?
- No, I did not.

- I think I'm gonna ring up your father.
- Thank you for your time.

It was Friday night...
Dwayne Martin's senior party.

Even though Barry lost his fake I.D.
and my dad's real one,

he was still determined to be the hero.

- You are in so much trouble!
- Dad?!

If you think I'm gonna let
you go into that party

with a bag full of...

- sandwiches? Where's the beer?
- There is no beer.

But I went to Lee's Hoagies
and bought cheesesteaks and

- patty melts and heroes.
- Why?

'Cause when you arrive
to the party with a hero,

they'll think you're a hero.

And another name for a hoagie is a hero!

And I want to be a hero!

- You're a moron!
- I know.

I mean, you spent their
beer money on sandwiches?

- What's wrong with you?
- Just wanted this year to be different.

You know, for...
for once, I want to go to a party

where people were actually
excited to see me.


The moment had arrived.
Collars were popped,

which meant tension was high.

My dad had a choice.

He could do what he always
said and not bail Barry out,

or he could do this...

Damn it, Barry!

If you think you can take this
ice-cold, delicious beer,

some of it very expensive from Germany,
you got another thing coming!

It's a good thing I came here!
Let's go!

Fight the power, Carlos.

My brother may have failed, but
my dad gave him a victory.

Hey, honey.
You okay?

Kids used to make me stuff
like this all the time.

I used to think I'd need a bigger box.

Guess not.

You do know that no son makes
a mixtape for his mom.

I guess I just wanted it to be true.

I don't want Adam turning out
horrible like the others.

Honey, he's a teenager.
They're all horrible.

But it's just so hard, you know?

I mean, when they're young,
they just love you so much.

And then they grow up and they don't.

Hey, Adam loves you.
The fact that he didn't tell you

the truth about the tape
just shows you how much.

But when it comes to him and Dana,
you got to stay out of it.

Oh, my god. You're right.

Guess I kind of made it
more complicated for him.

He's a smart kid.
He'll figure it out.

You're right.
I have to help him figure it out.

What? No.
Don't get involved.

Yes. Get involved!
Make a grand gesture

to help win Dana back for my little boy!

What's happening?
Are we even having the same conversation?

- Don't do that!
- I am gonna do that!

Dad, you are the best.
I'm gonna do it!

♪ Baby, you're the meaning in my life ♪

♪ You're the inspiration ♪

- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- Adam?

- We need to talk.
- If you got another tape, just leave it.

No. No more tapes. Just words.

I should've just told
you how I felt, okay?

Told you that I really like you.

Told you that I never felt
this way about anyone.

I'd do anything to be your boyfriend.

I didn't know if she was buying it,
then this happened.

♪ You should know ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ Always on my mind ♪

- I can't believe you did this.
- Yeah. It's unbelievable.

♪ You're the inspiration ♪

♪ You bring feeling to my life ♪

♪ You're the inspiration ♪

Thank you.

♪ I want to have you hear me sayin' ♪

Oh, my god. How did you pull this off?

I guess I just know the right person.

Turns out my mom broke
into the control booth

and terrified the engineer,
but she actually saved me.

So, you're finally the hero.
I hope it felt good.

Thanks to you.

You know, after all that big talk,

in the end, you still rescued me.

Well, don't get used to it.
It'll never happen again.

Come on. We both know
you'll always bail me out.

- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.

- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.

Yes, I will.
But don't tell the others.

♪ Always on my mind ♪
♪ No one needs you more than I ♪

That's the thing about parents.

No matter how hard we make it for them,

they always bail us out.

Hi, Dana.

I never thought I'd say
this, but I love you,

and remember, you're the everything,

and here's the song by R.E.M.,
"You are the everything."

There you go.
A new boat, huh?

Your wife loves to water ski.

I like the one-piece,
but the bikini really works on her.

- How you doing, old-timer?
- My granddaughter, Sophia Lopez,

said that you might know how
to fabricate an identification.

Let's just say I could do such a thing.

Why would a distinguished
gentleman like yourself

require such an item?

Let's just say I told a
younger woman I was 60

and need a way to prove it.
Can you help?

It depends. Are you a cop?

Because if you lie and bust me,
not only do I go free,

I get to keep your badge for a year.
That's the law.

- I have $200 cash.
- Step into the cutout.