The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - Uncle-ing - full transcript

Back in the '80s, audiences
loved the John Candy movie Uncle Buck,

about a ne'er-do-well uncle called
upon to watch his brother's kids.

But nobody loved it more
than me and my brother Barry.

He washed clothes
in the microwave

and dried them
on the ceiling fan!

He's a menace,
and you root for him!

His garbage car is spewing
smoke on the school carpool!

The children are coughing!
They're in harm's way!

Turn that crap off.

My pregnant brain hates
that blathering idiot.

She'd be much obliged if you'd
kindly watch your film elsewhere.



I'm her awfulness-to-politeness translator.
It's been a full-time job lately.

Mom!

What do you need, Schmoopy-Doo?

Let mama bird cater
to her life-giving

- baby bird's every need.
- I'm here, too.

You know, for when
my wife needs catering.

How ya feeling, Pumpkin?

Ready to pop that baby
into my waiting arms?

That sounds nothing like
our four-page birth plan.

Right now all I want is for
someone to turn off this dumbness.

How dare you ask us to turn off

John Candy's
number-one comedy film

in the subcategory
"Babysitting"!

Oh, I love him in that
one movie with the guy.



You know, um, eh,
the one with the face.

Uh, Adam knows what I like.

- Stripes.
- That's the one!

Oh, he is comedically unhealthy

and shouldn't defend
this country.

He's not just hilarious.

He's also teaching us
how to be uncles.

The only thing that clumsy oaf
is teaching anyone

is to never leave your kids
alone for a minute.

Why is he feeding beer to a dog?

'Cause he's recklessly
hilarious!

No one is safe from his antics.

Do you dopes really think

this is an okay way
for uncles to behave?

With all my heart.-I'd stake your
unborn child on it.

Okay, well, that seals it.

You two will never be allowed
anywhere near our baby.

- Whoa!
- Whoa, indeed!

How do you expect us to
"Uncle Buck" a baby from afar?

I don't want my baby
to be "Uncle Bucked."

Cheggit.
He made a pancake so huge,

he's serving it with a shovel.

Breakfast has never been
more zany!

Well, that's actually the only
appealing thing about this whole movie.

Geoff, make me that pancake.

Uh, I wish I could,
my cranky angel,

but I don't think anyone's ever
made a pancake that large.

Get it while it's hot!

- Didn't even see her leave.
- What in the hell?

She literally bends time!

You're the best, Mama.

Thank God someone sees
to my wants and needs.

Hurtful to the man
who was up all night

scratching your unreachables.

I want some of that impossibly
large morning entree.

Me too!
Giant flapjack me!

Mama! Geoff!
Circle the wagons!

Protect my cake!

Unh! Ow! Ow!

It was October
19th, 1980-something,

and life for our family
was about to change forever.

- It's time! Go! Go! Go!
- Gah!

It's 3:00 a.m.!
What the hell?

Your water broke!
You're having a baby!

I should put on pants!

There's no time.
Is that a nightgown?!

It's a floor-length sleep shirt!

I have sleepy-time heat issues!

Get your sweats,
your comfy shoes,

take this framed photo of me
for bedside inspiration.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Wait. How did you know
my water broke?

Uh, I heard it from my bedroom.

It was like a rolling,
gushing sound

like, uh... like the waves
on the North Shore of Hawaii.

Okay, I'll never know the
mysteries of the female body,

but wouldn't Erica be aware
of her water breaking?

Enough chit-chat! We're wasting
valuable seconds, people!

Is this another one
of your stupid drills?

Fine. It isa drill,
and you both failed miserably.

Had this been the real thing,

we wouldn't have even made it
to the hospital.

I'd be yanking a baby
out of my daughter

on the front lawn
of the Kremps' house.

What a haunting
suburban tableau.

Mom, enough with the drills.

Well, it's important
to be prepared.

Hopefully you'll do better
next time.

Don't let there be a next time!

You're right. No more drills.

So don't expect one.

I can't go back to sleep.

My heart is still pounding.

You know what I want, Geoff?

What, Schmoo?

- I said "Geoff"!
- She said "Geoff"!

Sorry!
I thought you said "Bev"!

Okay, just let me know
if you need me, all right?

I mean, of course, you need me,

but I am talking about, you
know, in the immediate sense.

Just checking in on needing me.

Huh? No? Okay. Here I go.

Okay. Well, what I want is to
get my giant body in water.

Okay.
So should I run a bath?

You mean the one
that we share with Barry

and all of his body hair?

So, like, the pool
at the Jewish Community Center?

I don't want to swim where a
rabbi's wife teaches water aerobics.

I want a baby moon.
We still have three weeks.

Take me away somewhere I
can float and feel weightless.

Your wish is my command.

Although it may be hard
to find a place

to float in Philadelphia
in the fall,

so is there by chance
a backup wish/command?

Just make it happen.

On it, my surly dove.

Whatever you do,
promise me that...

she is nowhere near us.

Well, it is famously not easy
to get away from your mom.

Mom what? I heard "Mom."

- Gah!
- Go!

Fun mistake. Okay.

I'll just wait
right outside this door

for the inevitable
calling of my name.

As Erica desperately
wanted to dodge my mom,

Barry and I went
straight to his friends

for some uncle-ing advice.

JTP but not lame Adam.

JTP but not lame Adam.

Hard to not feel deeply wounded,
but nice to see you, fellas.

No pleasantries!

- The JTP's time is too valuable.
- Not really.

You called me away from a mixer
with upper management.

Because it is important,
Matthew.

Our sister said we would be
"garbage uncles"

and we won't be allowed
near her baby.

We have three weeks
to figure out

how not to suck at uncle-ing.

- Why us?
- It seems intuitive.

For this, I basically handed

the Head of Regional Sales job
over to Lydia?

Well, you're here now,

so let's start with,
"What is an uncle?"

- The husband of an aunt.
- Mother's brother.

A cousin's male parent.

- Your half-sister's stepdad.
- A father's brother.

Your dad's friend
who doesn't have his own kids.

And famous uncles?

Uncle Vanya, the titular
character from the Chekhov play.

Only word I heard
is "titular."

Next.

Scrooge McDuck. Hah!

All that money,
and he couldn't fine peace.

A personal hero.
But I hate feathers. Next!

Uncle! Like
when you tap out

and stop trying to
think of famous uncles.

Wow! All truly
terrible examples.

You're no longer leading
this crucial meeting, Adam.

I wasn't sure why we were here
until now, so that's fine.

JTP, tell us how to
become good uncles.

My Uncle Phil calls me
cool nicknames

like "Sport," "Champ,"
and "Superstar."

It's possible
he doesn't know my name.

My uncle let me drive
his car. Oh, that's fun.

Like, when you were 15
or something?

No. No. Recently.

Uh, I think his license
is suspended

and I just taxied him around.

Keep it coming, guys.
There are no bad ideas.

I know. Why don't we go
to the park, right?

And use candy to lure children
into Matt Bradley's van

so we can practice
uncle-ing on them?

When I said "no bad ideas,"
clearly I was off by one.

What if you practice on Andy?

He's the side
of an average baby.

Come on, man.

Maybe you guys
are over thinking this.

My brain's pretty jacked, so
that happens a lot. Continue.

Erica is going to be an anxious
mother with a newborn.

She might just want you
to be responsible adults

who are always there for her.

Matt Bradley,
please stop punishing us

with your nonsense.

Look, don't you guys
have an uncle?

We do, and he's
a real piece of work.

I was talking
about our Uncle Marvin.

He was just as much of
an unpredictable loose cannon

as Uncle Buck.

He's the worst.

Can't do anything right.

There's your answer.
Why don't you just do

the opposite of what
your uncle would do?

I guess that could maybe work.

And so we sort of had a plan.

Which was to learn
at the feet of the master

how not to be an uncle.

Hey!
My nephs came to visit!

Wait a minute.
How did you find me?

Your address was on the
"if any left over" section

of our mom's holiday-card list.

Aww.
Well, that's not nothing.

Is that the truck
from "The Fall Guy"

in your depressing carport?

Yeah, it's the official
show-sanctioned replica.

No way. That truck
is TV-vehicle royalty.

Big-time, and now it's mine,

pending payment of
outstanding DMV fees.

Enter.
My house is your house.

But it also
might not be my house.

The stupid city doesn't
consider it a legal dwelling.

Man!
Am I glad to see you boys.

You know, ever since
your dad left us,

I've been trying
to think of ways

that I could be more involved
in your lives.

What about ever
visiting or calling?

Ohh!
Monday morning quarterback.

Look who's got
all the answers now.

Here's the thing.

Erica's baby is due
in three weeks,

and we need to learn
how to be good uncles.

Oh, my God.
I am beyond touched.

You want the Uncle Marvin
playbook.

Sure.
Let's say it that way.

Celebratory sodas all around!

While we
had come to the right place,

the same couldn't be said
for Geoff and Erica.

Here we are,
my swollen princess.

It's so steamy and damp.
Where are we?

You're at Tubs of Love,

where consenting adults come
to do whatever they want.

Why did he wink?

Geoff, I need so many answers.

Well, you said you wanted
to float in water

without your mother.

So I made both those wishes
come true.

Good sir, where do we change?

Changing rooms are back there,

but just so you know, we are
a clothing-optional resort.

Resort? All I see are a bunch
of skanky hot tubs

with couples in them.

No, that guy's there by himself.

Correction... his tub-mate
just surfaced.

And so few people
opted for clothing.

Geoff, how did you find
this place?

In the Yellow Pages, under "Indoor
Water-Themed Adult Experiences."

Our rate is 20 bucks an hour
or 30 for a themed tub like

"Desert Oasis"
or "When in Rome."

Ooh! "When in Rome"
sounds fun. Shall we?

Ew. No, we shan't.

Geoff, pregnant ladies
can't even go in hot tubs.

This was a giant
swing and a miss.

Oh, dear Lord, there are
three people in that tub.

Yeah, they fit up to eight
open-minded and slippery bodies.

I'm gonna make something
very clear.

I want to go home,
never come back here,

and somehow surgically remove
the part of my brain

where the memory
of this place is stored.

Thank you for your hospitality.
We'll be leaving now.

- Tell your friends!
- Seems unlikely.

Ohh... no.

What is it, my grumpy peach?
Are you hungry?

- I think my water just broke.
- Are you sure?

I mean, the floor
is already covered in...

I don't really want to know.

Yes, I'm sure, Geoff!
It's happening!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

It was happening.
My sister was going to have a baby,

just nowhere near the hospital
where she and Geoff had planned.

Okay. The doctor's
on his way in.

Oh, we don't need the doctor.

We just need to get
to our own hospital.

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

Dudes! We're having a baby!
Up top!

Left a bro hangin'.
Not cool.

Um, why is the doctor wearing
Air Jordans and a Swatch?

Did our baby somehow sneak
out of me and throw a lab coat on?

Good one! I'm Dr. Schiff,
but everyone calls me Scotty.

Or Schiffy. Or Scoot.

Or the occasional
Dr. Butthead.

Yeah, I can see that for you.

Sorry.
You just look very...

Young?
Yeah, I get that a lot.

But rest assured...
I'm a professional.

Okay.
Let's have a looky.

Whoa!
You are wicked dilating.

- Scooty Scoot, could you give us a minute?
- Totally.

I'll just go crush a quick round
of "Centipede" in the break room.

I cannot have Doogie Howser's
younger brother

- deliver our baby!
- Okay, I'll go find another doctor

who might be more
unlike a child.

And also I need my mom.

Ooh, here's the thing
about that.

Why is there a thing about that?

Remember when you told me
to plan this baby moon

and you didn't want her
to be a part of it?

I did something to ensure
that she wouldn't be around.

Oh, Geoff, so help me,
if you killed my mom...

No, but I may have indicated that
we were going to the beach house.

You sent her an hour
in the other direction?

Possibly.
And also yes.

Get her here! Now! On
it, -my demanding flower.

Geoff's mission was
clear... get my mom to the hospital,

no matter how far away she was.

- Hello, Geoffrey.
- How'd you know it was me?

Who else knows I'm here?

Listen.
Mrs. G, I can explain.

No need to explain. You didn't
want me crashing your baby moon,

so you told me it was here
at the beach house.

I'm so sorry, but in my defense,

doesn't the fact
that you went there

to crash our baby moon
vindicate me?

The it does, Geoffrey!

My daughter is about to
give life in three weeks.

I want to be with her.

About that.
Um, Erica's in labor!

What?
I know. Yay.

Also, we're in the one-doctor
town of New Hope.

Well, that's two
hours from here!

Again with the salty language.

But if you leave now,
maybe you can make it.

She's crossing her legs,
so you never know.

That's a great idea, but,
uh, when I first got here,

I was so hurt
by what you'd done to me

that I drank an entire bottle
of Chablis

that my neighbor had carelessly
left in her garage fridge.

- Oh, no!
- You drove me to the bottle, Geoff!

Okay. I'll send Barry and Adam
to pick you up. Just sit tight.

To be clear,
when I finally do see you,

you and I have some
very unfinished business.

That's the scariest
kind of business!

As my mom
was gonna teach Geoff a lesson,

Opposite Uncle School
was in session.

Compadres, I am
going to teach you

how to be the greatest
uncles in... the... world.

Are... you... ready?

- Hell yes!
- You know it!

I gotta check out
these scratchers first.

Lesson number one...
Uncle-ing happens on your time.

"On our time."
Got it.

Damn it! I was three cherries
away, man! Three!

Yep, we were
about to learn everything not to do.

Think about it.
The kid's parents aren't gonna

bail on him
for holidays and birthdays,

so it leaves the door wide open
for you to bail on them.

"Bail on significant
life events."

Another important function
of the uncle

is to provide a loophole
around the "legal drinking age."

"Play fast and loose
with our nation's laws."

Where's the queen?
Where's the queen?

Where can it be?
Where can the queen be?

Is it over here?
Can the queen be here?

The queen is here. Is it here?
Where's the queen?

I'm so convinced
she's on the left,

I will up my bet to $20.

- Ooh, wrong again.
- Damn it!

That was my textbook money!

Now it's my chicken-fried
steak money. Ba-bam!

"Swindle children
without remorse."

Most uncle-ing happens
around the margins.

Baby's first R-rated movie?

That's where you come in.

Baby needs a diaper change?

That's where you go out.

You getting all this?

"Be the worst." Got it.

Okay, let's recap.

If the kid's birthday
is April 10th,

when should your card arrive?

- Never.
- Cards are a gateway to gifts.

And now you know all
the knowledge known to man.

Why does your notepad
say "opposite"?

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

"Never do the following."

Geez, Bar!
You could have been

a bit more savvy
with your note-taking.

Did you two come here
to learn how not to be uncles?

Uncle Marvin,
it's nothing personal.

We think you're the greatest.

You're super fun,
like our own Uncle Buck.

Except, you know,
not exactly a model

of reliability
and follow-through.

So I'm a joke. A dope.
A screw-up.

See? He gets it.

Can I call you back?

I gotta pull this knife
from my chest.

Huh? Y-Yeah.

Hold on. It's for you. Sounds
like someone real sweaty.

Geoff?

Oh, thank God!
The JTP said you were there

getting "opposite
uncle lessons"?

Don't explain.
Your sister's having a baby.

You need to get your mom.

She drank too much ice wine
at the beach house.

The New Hope hospital.

New Hope. Got it!

We gotta jam.
Erica's having a baby.

Congrats! Oh, wow.

That sounds like something
that I might kinda

want to be a part of.

But only on your own time.

Yeah. No obligations, right?
See you whenever.

As we were off to get our mom,

Geoff finally had everything
under control.

Barry and Adam are on their way
to get your mom

and bring her here,
and I talked to Scotty.

Turns out he just
took over the practice

from his recently retired
father,

so I had him ask his dad
to come in.

- Oh, phew.
- Greetings!

You must be, uh,
Greta and... Eric?

Uh, it's Geoff and Erica.
She's Erica.

Confound it.
Where did I put my bifocals?

That's Scotty's father?

Was it, like, a second marriage?

Isn't there a generation
in between? Or two even?

I don't know
their family history.

I'm learning in real time

that they represent the
extremes of the age spectrum.

I want my mom.
I want my mom now!

She's coming,
but in the meantime,

I found some other
comforting adults.

Mazel tov!

We couldn't be more excited!

Absolutely not.

But they're my parents.

And I'm a man of medicine.

You work on eyes!
Go help our blind doctor!

- We'll be in the waiting room.
- She's very scary!

While storm clouds
were brewing over the delivery room,

Barry and I were driving our mom

through some pretty steady rain.

Thank you, boys,
for picking me up.

Of course, Mama.
Nothing could stop us

from getting you
to that hospital.

What the...

Damn it!
We're stuck in mud!

Dirt's wet cousin!

No!

Okay, this is lightly on me for
saying nothing could stop us.

Erica's baby
was coming any minute,

but we weren't going anywhere,
so Barry swung into action.

My Lou Ferrigno-like strength
will get us out of this mess!

Hit it, Adam, and I'll push!

One! Two!

Three!

Oh, no.

My contemporary stylish pants!

And we're deeper in.

Get over. Get over.
Ugh!

Well, thank you
for trying, boys.

You did good.
Unlike Geoffrey.

Oh, don't be so hard
on him, Mama.

Yeah, that nervous nerd
means well.

Oh, I will be
plenty hard on him.

He made me miss the birth
of my grandchild

and future best friend!

Yeah, all hope
was lost, and then this happened.

Oh, no!

It's an unsophisticated
rural type!

He'll know we're not
from these parts

and make quick work
of us city folk!

What... Duck down!

Ow! I'm not
limber enough!

Damn my careless attitude
towards exercise!

Adam, Adam, tempt him
with your soft eyes

so I can hit him
with my shoes, okay?

No, I won't be
your hillbilly bait.

Adam, just befriend
the country gentleman

so your brother can
sucker-punch him with his footwear!

It wasn't a good plan, but
fortunately, we didn't need it.

- Marvin?
- How's it going?

- What are you doing here?
- I'm rescuing my family.

Was I cool?
It sounded cool.

Let's ride!
We got a baby to meet!

Hah! That was
really fun to say.

You saved us, Uncle Marvin!

I know. I'm trying
to be a better uncle.

How about I go to the hospital
with you guys?

- We'd love that!
- For sure!

Sure, he may have
been a screw-up like Uncle Buck,

but that night,
Uncle Marvin was a hero,

and not a moment too soon.

- Oh, God, it hurts!
- I'm so sorry, my love.

I would take all the pain
if I could.

I wish you could, too.
All of it!

- Erica, it's time.
- Time?

Oh, you mean the thing that
you don't have much left of?

Sorry.
The pain and my failures

have made my lady-love
very direct.

She's here!

You may have this baby now.

Mom!

Beverly Goldberg.
Mama of the mama.

Babe, you did it.
Thank you.

I love you so much.

Doctor, if you need help,
I'm almost a doctor.

I'm not at all a doctor,
and I just accidentally

saw some stuff,
so I'm gonna wait outside.

You all need to wait outside,
except for the husband!

And her.
She stays, too.

Despite being stuck
hours away in the pouring rain,

we'd pulled off a miracle.

Sure, she wasn't thrilled
with Geoff,

but in that moment,
all my mom could think about

was that her baby
was about to have a baby.

Here we go.
And push.

And just like that, the person

we had all been waiting for
finally arrived.

It's a girl.

That day, the world welcomed
a new Goldberg.

Everyone, meet Muriel Allison
Goldberg Schwartz.

Muriel, after Murray.

Is Allison for Albert?

You know it.

Pops would be so proud.

Yeah, in a year
filled with too many goodbyes,

this was a hello
that brought us all together,

even those of us no longer here.

'Cause nothing
fills you with hope

more than a brand-new baby.

Mrs. G,
I-I need to apologize.

Geoffrey,
you shut your sweet mouth.

After what
you've given me today,

you don't ever need to
apologize to me again.

Oh, so beautiful.

Perfection.
Sheer perfection.

She really was.

Muriel changed all our lives
that day.

You dopes
want to hold your niece?

- Seriously?
- Could we?

I'd never held a baby before.

I couldn't believe how tiny
and warm and sweet she felt

and how I could immediately
love someone I just met.

I know what I said before,

but you two are
going to be amazing uncles.

How could we not?

We learned from the best.

I do what I can.

Yeah, our family
had gone through a lot that year,

but that's the amazing thing
about life.

Just when you think things
will never be okay again,

here comes a miracle
that proves you way wrong.

I'm a bubbe!

And that is pretty damn awesome.

I think we all can agree that
Uncle Buck did one thing right,

and that's the giant pancake.

- Big is beautiful.
- He wasted so much food!

But why stop there, when
there are so many other meals

that we can enlarge to their
atomic breaking point?

Let us begin!

Behold the McMarvin
quarter tonner!

- I don't know where to put my mouth.
- I do.

I always do.

Two gallons of Rocky Road
carefully molded

into a single scoop
of creamy deliciousness.

Sorry, belly, you're in trouble.

Nuts and marshmallows for days!

Meatballs!

Oh, yeah.
Get the sauce.

- Mmm.
- Should the middle be this pink?

Or this cold?

Bigger is not better.
Movies have failed us!

Ohh!