The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 10, Episode 4 - Man of the House - full transcript

ADULT ADAM:
Back in the '80s,

graduating was a big deal
in the family.

There was nothing more exciting
than celebrating a Goldberg.

Whoo!

So, when my sister
finished college early,

it surely
wouldn't go unnoticed.

Hi. Erica Goldberg Schwartz.

I'm here for my diploma.

Let me look you up.

In the meantime,
feel free to mingle

with your fellow
esteemed graduates.



Erica Goldberg graduating.

Ah.

It seems like only yesterday

you started that petition
to replace me.

Lucky for you,
I have no follow-through.

You're still here,
Dean Dean.

It's Provost Dean
now.

No salary bump or office change,

but I do get to explain
to people what a provost is.

- What is a provost?
- It's like a dean.

- Oh.
- Typically, our off-cycle graduates

are elderly people
with way too much energy

or... wackadoo child geniuses.

And knocked-up co-eds
who bust their hump



to finish courses
before they pop one out.

[Laughs] There you go.

It always works out
for young pregnant people.

Now, go join
Edie and Li'I Greg,

and as a congrats,

I have car wash gift certificates.

I don't need to be celebrated.

I'm sure my family
will go completely overboard

like they always do.

Right. Your family.

I've met them.

Not a subtle people.

But... let the fanfare begin.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

A piece of paper.

Eric Goldberg Schwartz?

You couldn't
even spell my name right?

Oh, G... We were close,
though, weren't we?

Let me just, uh, throw an "A"
on there with my old trusty Bic.

No. Mail me a new one
with my girl name.

That'll be an additional $1.50 postage.

And ceremony complete.

You all kinda did it.

Though her college didn't
quite rise to the occasion,

Erica was certain my
mom and Geoff would.

I'm home.

- Erica!
- There she is.

Close your eyes.
Don't look at anything!

Oh, no. Who could you
possibly be celebrating?

Dang it,
you guys ruined the surprise.

- Sorry.
- Our fault.

You know, that's on us

for coming over here when
you asked us for help.

It's gonna be the biggest,
bestest baby shower of all time.

Baby shower?
But we've already

had two of those.

And it's all for you.

It doesn't seem like
it's for me.

Oh, because it's not.
I am talking to your baby.

[Chuckles]

Hello, my yummy in the tummy.

You're still cooking
in the oven,

but when you pop out,

I'm gonna be the first person
you see,

and I'm gonna bring a spoon
so I can gobble you up!

And I'm bringing a delivery
room door that locks.

Shh, shh, shh. The baby's
trying to tell me something.

What's that?
[Gasps]

And you're my best friend.
[Chuckles]

- I'm really sorry, ladies.
- Not sorry.

- Nobody wants that job.
- I'm good.

I don't even listen
anymore.

ERICA: Geoff,
there you are.

You for sure know
what I accomplished today.

Big time.

According to the 30
scientific books I read

on human gestation,

today is the day our child
developed fingernails.

Right. Yeah, I guess
that happened today, too.

BEVERLY: I'm gonna
teach you all about life,

and you're gonna keep me
young

by teaching me
all the new dances.

And I think there's something
that you two are forgetting.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.
How could we?

My standard grandchild
greeting.

Kissy attack!

Move your swollen hands, Erica.

Let Daddy in for a helping, too.

[Both smooching]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

*THE GOLDBERGS (2013)*
Season 10 Episode 04

Episode Title: "Man of the House"
Aired on: October 12, 2022.

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was
October 12th, 1980 something,

and I was living my dream,
working in the movies.

For now,
my job was watching a cone,

but this was surely
the start

of what would be
a long Hollywood career.

Cone boy, you're fired.

- Wait, what?
- Dems the breaks.

Before you go,
pack everything up.

We're gonna move the whole
production back to LA.

I-I could stay on the team
and go to LA.

Oh, what a fun idea.

No.

But what about the cone?

The cone's coming with us.

The cone gets to go to LA?!

The cone has value.

You're gonna regret it
when I'm big time!

I think I'll be okay.

Ah.

Mr. Hasselhoff!

There he is.
The weird kid.

- Evan.
- Adam.

And did you know
the production is moving back to LA?

Of course I do.

I'm David Hasselhoff.

- I know everything.
- Damn it.

And just as I'm really coming
into my own with my cone work.

Hey, can you help me?

Maybe take me with you
to La-La Land?

Sorry, kid, they're gonna
hire all new PAs in LA.

And that's enough
to end this conversation.

Wha... David Hasselhoff, look out!

Thanks, Evan.

I owe you one.

Yes, you do,
David Hasselhoff.

Yes, you do.

How dare they not take you
to California.

You are vital.

Maybe I'm fooling myself.

Maybe
anyone can watch a cone.

You and I both know
that's not true.

I don't know
what's true anymore.

[Sighs] God,
I miss that cone.

What a sad tale of woe.

How you holding up,
fair brother of mine?

Uh, fine, I guess.

What's your angle?

No angle.

Just a friendly face

offering his incredibly
broad shoulder.

Fuh-gicle?

It's pronounced Fudge-sicle.

Again, what's happening
right now?

Your girlfriend moved away.
You lost your job.

This must be a really
hard time for you.

Let's workshop
these feelings.

To give you ammo
to destroy me?

To support you.

Just stop stalling
and get to the mean stuff.

You know, I suck,
I'm a loser,

disparaging remarks
about my hair, glasses,

and lack of athleticism.

Hey, you don't get to pick
the body you're born with.

And I just
want to help you

get back
on your extremely flat feet.

Because
then I'll owe you

and you'll make me
pay you back

in some publicly
humiliating way?

Adam, amigo,
chum, never.

Now that Dad's gone,

someone's got to be
the man of the house.

And as the oldest,
wisest, and most jacked,

that's obviously me.

ADULT ADAM: And there it was.

Barry didn't just want to be
my compassionate older brother.

He wanted to be my dad.

Oh, balls.

I cherish you, brother.

I'm ready to get messy
when you are.

It seems like
you already got a head start.

Oh, damn it.

My fuh-gicle is pooling
in the crook of my elbow.

All the towels!

ADULT ADAM: While Barry wanted
to advise me,

Erica went to her mother-in-law
for advice of her own.

So, what's going on?

Well, ever since I got pregnant,

everyone has forgotten
about me

and only been focusing on the baby.

Eyes up here, Linda.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But you're basically
just a thing

that carries the baby
now.

And by "thing,"
you mean a person

who is loved and respected,
right?

No. I would describe
you as more of a bucket.

A bucket?

What's in that bucket
is all that matters.

But this all stops
once I have the kid?

It'll get much worse.

See, then you're a mother,
and mothers are invisible.

Like an old bucket that's
exhausted and no one cares about.

All this bucket talk
is super disappointing.

But true.

For instance,
today is my birthday,

and not a single person
in my life remembered.

LOU: Linda.

The foot water is tepid!

It needs to be refreshed!

Be there in a jiff,
honey bun!

A jiff is not a measure
of time I recognize.

But speaking of Jif,

I would like a spoon of some
crunchy peanut butter while I soak.

- Wow.
- [Chuckles]

- Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Mm.

Well, you get used to it.

I mean, I'm not talking about
the peanut butter and feet part,

but the other things.

That's the bucket life.

But I don't want
the bucket life.

Geoff and my mom
forgot

that I graduated
from college yesterday.

Oh, congratulations!

It's just like
when I became a councilwoman.

Holy crap. You're a
Jenkintown councilwoman?

Two terms.

Just drop them some hints.

Knowing Bevy and Geoff,
it won't take much,

and they will be
mortified that they forgot.

I mean, it's not like they're Lou.

Linda, my hand has exactly
zero spoons

of chunky peanut butter.

Happy birthday, Councilwoman.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica was scared of
Linda's cautionary tale,

I had my own
upsetting story to tell.

Mr. Glascott,
I need to talk to you.

Is it about
my provocative sunbathing?

Honor the code
of the neighbor's fence

and stop peering over.

This is about something
very different...

Barry.

Ooh.
Family intrigue.

Dish the dirt,
you sassy hen.

Okay, I guess.

In the wake of my dad's passing,

Barry's trying
to fill his shoes...

Metaphorically, of course.

In reality, my dad's
shoes were disgusting,

as they housed his feet.

He once stole my newspaper
barefoot, so I know.

And exactly
what is Barry doing?

Well, for one, he keeps
trying to spend time with me

because he knows
I miss my girlfriend.

- How dare he!
- Yeah.

Wait,
that sounds surprisingly evolved.

If your brother Barry,
who has historically been a buffoon,

is stepping up in a
kind way, I say let him.

- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.

Ah. There you are, sport.

It's almost time
to wash up for dinner.

Wash up?

You once tried to see
how many quarters

you could fit
in your mouth.

48.

And I sure hope
you picked up your room

like your mother
asked you to, sport.

Barry, you and I share
the room.

And you're the one who
started the Doritos fight.

And I almost forgot...
I just bought this for you.

Thought it might make for
some good dinnertime convo.

"Your Changing Body"?!

Don't worry, sport.

There are no stupid questions.

Especially about sex.

That is confusing.

My body has already changed!

And stop calling me sport!

They can be
so difficult at this age,

but that's the job.

- Come here.
- Oh!

Hey, listen, be home before
the street lights come on.

Bye, Mr. Glascott.

Yeah, I was way wrong.

Barry can't be
the man of the house.

You're right, Mr. Glascott.
He can't.

But someone else can.

Is it me? Because I'm
very not interested.

Whoa.
Slow down, book.

I'm only on page 7.

ADULT ADAM: While I had to come up
with a plan to stop Barry,

Erica was ready to drop
some very clear hints

to my mom and Geoff.

Hey, guys.
Whatcha doing?

Oh, nothing.

Just making a little baby
shower cake. [Chuckles]

What's that?

Well, cloth diapers are
arranged in a circular trifold

to make up
the cake portion.

The frosting layer is made
entirely of burp cloths,

fashioned into
a Dutch-Hungarian braid,

decorated with roses,

each one made out of 27
itty-bitty mini safety pins.

And I made a pile.

Gosh.

Everyone's going
to so much trouble

just because I'm graduating
to the next phase of life.

[Chuckling] Oh, Schmoo,

what an odd way
to express your thanks,

but it's our pleasure.

Seems that way.

But still, there are so many other
important events in people's lives.

Some that make you so happy,

you just wanna throw
your cap in the air.

Nonsense.

What could be more important
than our little star?

Who's about to make
its debut on the stage of life.

Mwah.

Speaking of
tortured theater metaphors,

can we think of
something else

that you might want
to cross a stage for?

Mnh-mnh.

Honey,
you've been off lately,

and I think I know why.

I really,
really hope you do.

You're nervous
about the baby coming.

- Oh, God. What? No.
- Yes.

Erica, it's totally
normal to be nervous.

I mean, I'm nervous.

My cool new friends I met
down at Baby World are nervous.

Is that why you were gone
for seven hours yesterday?

You were picking up strangers
at a baby superstore?

Okay, Lee and Deb are
no longer strangers,

and I learned so much...

Feeding, changing, burping.

It can all be
so exciting and scary.

That's why I signed us
up for a baby care class

that we can all take
together.

Wait, like, all three of us?

Oh, while there's nothing
left for me to learn,

I can be there
to support you

and hold that instructor
to impossibly high standards.

Thanks, but no thanks.

You're welcome,
and you're going.

And this is just the thing

to help you focus on
what really matters.

The baby in your belly.

Erica, look, the new baby
carrier finally arrived.

Let's strap you in.

ADULT ADAM: Yep. My mom and Geoff
had not gotten the hint.

Their obsession with the baby
was worse than ever.

Oh, you're a baby taxi.

But one thing was
perfectly clear to Erica.

I'm a bucket.

ADULT ADAM:
My brother was determined

to be the man of the house,

but someone else was about
to throw his hat in the ring.

Amazing news, everyone...

I am the man of the house.

Ooh, I can't wait to hear

what the sweaty one says
about this.

Falsehoods and untruths!

And away we go.

Adam is not the man of the house

because I've already claimed
that mantle

with my words and deeds.

For sure, but do you have
the official paperwork?

Because I do.

Oh, look,
it's embossed for some reason.

This isn't valid.

What sanctioning body
okayed this?

What's not okay
is the anxiety I feel

every time I come over here.

Can it, Ginzy.
Possible men are talking.

And now that I've filed
the proper paperwork,

my first order of business
as man of the house...

Barry, clean the gutters!

- [Scoffs] What?
- It's the beginning of fall.

Only a crazy person would
expend the shoulder strength

on such a fool's errand.

I command you
to do your homework.

It's pretty well established
I'm a college dropout, dude.

Now go get the ladder and
your leaf-scooping gloves.

Ooh. We got a classic
man-off brewing in our midsts.

It's utterly meaningless,
but it beats hanging streamers.

Oh, damn it, I forgot the ice.

Ohh.

It was the one task
Murray used to do

when we had people over.

I'm surprised
he did one. [Snickers]

And your husband's Bob [bleep] Vila?

Show some respect,
Essie.

So, you'd say getting ice is
the man of the house's job?

I'm saying it's anybody-
who-will-get-it's job.

Not anyone.

Man of the house.

And that's me.

Not if I do it first!

Oh! Come on!

My glasses!

Oh.
They're such sweet boys.

There's a good chance
someone could get hurt,

but on the plus side,
cold beverages.

And so, my brother and I
raced to the store for ice.

The stakes were surprisingly
high for frozen water.

All Barry had to do was find it.

Where's the ice?

Where's the ice?!

Ice, reveal yourself!

Come on, Barry, think!

All the times you came
here and didn't buy ice.

Where did you not go?

Oh! Ice!

Of course!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yo, bro,
you can't just get ice.

Corporate counts our cups.

Where I'm going, I don't need cups.

- What?
- I don't know.

They keep the ice
outside the store, ya moron.

Face it, Bar,
I'm the man of the house.

How?

When Dad needed ice, he'd bring me

so I could run inside
and pay for it.

He couldn't even do that one task.

And neither could you.

You know what?

You're right.

It's not as much fun
if you just give up.

What's the point?

I saw you struggling

and I thought
I could step up and help,

but
you don't respect me.

Why would you?

I can't even get ice. Gah!

ADULT ADAM:
My competition with Barry

had left him feeling cold.

Meanwhile, Erica's
frustration was heating up.

Welcome
to Caring for Your Newborn,

where you will learn the basics
of life with your new baby.

We're all suckling
at your teat of knowledge.

Sorry, bad start.

Now, I'm glad to see
everyone has a partner.

Some of you are lucky
to have two.

So, so lucky.

I'm the grandma.

I know it's confusing
'cause I look so young.

I think they get it.

I made her,
and she's making the baby.

We're like
those Russian nesting dolls,

but with real people.
[Chuckles]

And I'm the biggest doll.

I guess
I'm the sad middle doll.

I got Philadelphia 76ers
nesting dolls at home,

but I lost the bottom
to Moses Malone.

O-kay.

If no one else has
anything to say about dolls,

let's learn
how to swaddle.

ADULT ADAM: But Erica wasn't really
there to learn anything.

Cheggit. Super-baby.

In fact...

[Thud] Ooh!

ADULT ADAM: ...she didn't want
to be there at all.

How'd you get so dirty?

Look, it's surfing.

Hang ten, dude.

Now, get it out.

[Burps] Oh.

Burped myself.

Oh!

Alright, well, I think
I got it. I'm out.

Wait, where are you going?

We haven't even learned
about nipple latching.

It's tougher than you think,
Erica.

I couldn't get you off
of me.

When you were three weeks old,
I wore you to a dinner party.

What's her problem?

[Scoffs] I knew
this would happen.

I set too high a standard
for being a mother.

ADULT ADAM: At least
that's what my mom thought,

but at the moment,
raising a kid

was the last thing
on Erica's mind.

And another thing,
you are gonna return that baby doll.

Nah, it's a little souvenir
for the fun day I had.

Time for night-night.

Aah! It doesn't have
the neck muscles for that yet!

Well, the good news
is I talked Ms. Maria

into honoring you
with this.

A baby class diploma?

Not that you deserve it.

ADULT ADAM:
And with that, my sister

had finally had enough.

You know what?
You're right.

I may not deserve this diploma,

but I'm pretty sure
that I deserve this one.

I graduated from college yesterday.

- Ohhhh.
- [Bleep]

But nobody remembered
and no one cared,

because clearly,
all that matters is this baby,

and I'm just a bucket.

It was my birthday yesterday!

I am so sorry.

ADULT ADAM: I had to fix the damage
I did to Barry.

Luckily, a TV superstar
owed me a favor.

Mr. Hasselhoff.

Oh, no.

Now what?

You're desperately needed to
resolve a small family issue.

That's definitely something
I should be involved in,

but I'm on a plane back
to LA in a few hours.

But you said,
"I owe you one."

"I owe you one"
is an expression.

It's not a binding agreement.

So David Hasselhoff's word
is worthless?

I wonder
if John Tesh and Mary Hart

would like to hear about that.

Not the "Entertainment Tonight" hosts.

You could live up
to your word.

Just take me
to your problem.

David Hasselhoff
is happy to help! [Chuckles]

Hey, Bar, it's me.
Open the door.

BARRY: I don't want
to talk to you.

I get it, but I have someone here
you will want to talk to.

It's your personal hero.

- Is it Carl Weathers?
- No.

- Chuck Norris?
- No.

- Lou Ferrigno?
- No.

- Jean-Claude Van Damme?
- No!

- Tony Danza?
- No!

Just open the damn door!
It's David Hasselhoff!

[Gasps]

David Hasselhoff
from "Knight Rider"?

Is KITT here, too?

I should be enough.

I'm sorry.

I'm just having
a really hard time right now,

David Hasselhoff.

Look, I'm here to say...

What was it again?

"Barry, you don't need
to fill your dad's shoes,

because no one can.

But it was nice that you tried
to step up for your brother,

and even though
sometimes you go too far,

"he appreciates it... A lot."

He does, David Hasselhoff?

And David has one more thing
to say.

"Adam couldn't ask
for a better brother.

And that's all
you ever need to be."

Oh, damn it,
David Hasselhoff.

You know all the right things
to say.

Get over here, bro.

Look at that.

What a nice, weird moment.

ADULT ADAM:
Sometimes all it takes is

a TV icon to make things right,

but all Geoff had
was his big heart.

Let me get that for you.

Thanks.

I'm as big as a house.

But the most beautiful house
I've ever seen.

Like the place
where Batman lives.

You know,
not the cave part,

but the upstairs
with all the wood and the fireplace.

No, I got it. Nice house.

Erica, I messed up.

You deserve
to be celebrated.

You're the most kick-ass person
I know.

Graduating from Penn
early... That's amazing.

Just like you are.

And I'm so,
so proud of you.

Sure, well,
it's pretty well established

- that I am the best.
- [Chuckles]

You really are.

And as your husband

and the father
to whatever's going on in here,

I need to do
a better job

at honoring
the amazing woman you are.

Starting with this.

What did you do?

I made a call
to Provost Dean.

Put it on and come downstairs.

"Pomp and Circumstance" plays...

ADULT ADAM:
It may have come late,

and it may have been a
repurposed baby shower,

but that day,

Erica got the graduation
she deserved.

[♪♪]

There's my graduating
Schmoopie.

Mom.

Erica, I couldn't be more
excited about your baby,

but you were
my baby first,

and that will never change.

We all love you so much.

Even me.

But I do now question if I should
even be talking in this moment.

ESSIE: We've all had
some wine.

You said
this was non-alcoholic.

You'll be fine.
Congratulations.

Dean Provost Dean,
you may begin.

[Chuckles] Lucky me.

Erica Goldberg Schwartz,

will you please
accept this diploma?

- Whoo!
- [Laughing] Oh!

My baby graduated!
She did it!

That's my wife!

And for your commencement speaker,
um...

David Hasselhoff?

Really?

Yeah. Really?

I mean, you're here.

And what you said
upstairs was really moving.

Fine.

But I definitely
no longer owe you one.

[Cheers and applause,
camera shutter clicks]

Friends, parents, graduate,

while I'm not entirely
sure why I'm here,

there is one thing I do know.

It's important to celebrate

the big things
and the small things,

and frankly,
everything in between,

because none of us know
what life is gonna bring,

and while you're around
the people that you love,

you gotta celebrate it all.

ADULT ADAM:
I couldn't have said it better

myself, David Hasselhoff.

Have you seen your mother?

She needs to put the drawstrings
back in my sweatpants.

I haven't seen her, but have
you considered doing it yourself?

Are you mad, son?

These fingers are like sausages.

They have no taper.
How about you, Erica?

How about me, what?

Dad, why don't you
just put on some jeans?

Oh, is that your generation's
solution to everything?

Denim?

I want to watch TV
in relaxed pants.

I need your mother.

I might actually know
where she is.

Motion passes.

What am I looking at
right now?

Just your wife getting
a speed bump put in

over on Cedar Street.

Linda?!