The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 10, Episode 2 - That's a Schwartz Man - full transcript

Back in the '80s,

David Hasselhoff was everywhere.

He rocked the free world in
those red shorts on the beach.

And no one worshipped the Hoff
more than my brother, Barry.

JTP! Plus assorted lessers.

JTP!
Plus assorted lessers.

Barry, we are not your lessers.

- We're parents...
- Shh. I'm talking.

Okay.

What'd I just taste
on that finger?

Either marmalade or Laffy Taffy.



Why do we keep coming over here?

Let me answer that question
with a question:

Do you guys know who's
in Philadelphia right now?

- The mayor?
- The Oak Ridge Boys?

I have no guess,
but I'm excited.

America's most dynamic film
and TV star, David Hasselhoff!

Morning gravy!

I love him in Knight Rider.

Making the audience believe
that you have a complicated,

emotional relationship
with a car?

That's acting, folks.

Bill gets it.

He's here,
and I need his autograph.

How exactly
can we help you with this?



That's for you to answer, Ginzy.

Now, let's get those
little noggins cranking.

There are no bad ideas, but,
uh, Matt Bradley, sit this one out.

That's not the punishment
you think it is.

Great, you're all here.
We have got a lot to go over.

Barry, take a seat.

Why would I sit?

This is my meeting to brainstorm

how I can meet
and befriend David Hasselhoff.

No, it's my meeting
to brainstorm

how the community
can come together

to fill the void in Mom's heart
when I go to college in a week.

I was invited to both meetings.

It's a neat feeling.

Adam, you don't need to worry.
Your mom is ready for this.

You're just projecting how you
feel about Chad going to college.

You gotta remember,

my mom loves me way more
than you love your son.

Enough!

We are not here to discuss
Ginzy's shaky family relationships.

I want to hear some ideas.

JTP, hit me!

You could write a letter
to his fan club?

That's how I got
Captain Kangaroo's J. Hancock.

Now on to me!

The key to helping Mom
will be to distract her.

She may not care about
you all that much,

but she's always game
for meddling

in someone else's business.

Bill, what's going on
in your life?

Well, Dolores and I
are remodeling our kitchen.

- Ooh.
- I could ask Bev to pick out knobs.

Hmm, we need something
more personal.

More personal than knobs? Okay.

What if you confided in her that
you and Dolores are having issues?

You two have seemed
distant lately.

- We have?
- She looks right past you, Bill.

Everyone sees it.

Aww.

Oh, look,

you've all come over to watch me
bravely take on my new life as a widow.

Not at all. We're actually here
because Smiley Glasses

thinks you're going to be
heartbroken when he goes to college.

Aww.

You've been through
a lot this year.

I thought maybe everyone
could help out somehow.

That is so sweet of you all
to support me in this way.

And, you know,
there is one thing

that really would feed my soul.

Nom-noms from my Schmoo.
Mom, no!

Come on, you've only got a
week left. You're gonna miss this.

- Aw!
- You're gonna miss it!

It was
September 28th, 1980-something,

and Erica and Geoff were
crossing an important milestone.

They were about to learn
the sex of their baby.

This is so exciting.

And it's not that I'm rooting

for it to be a girl,

but I could really use a break

from all the mohel interviews.

I think I'm nervous.

I know your mom just wants
to find the right guy,

but a dozen in-depth discussions

about ritual circumcision
seems like too many.

Of course, your pacing
isn't helping.

She also says
"penis" and "foreskin"

way more than is necessary.

Like, we all get the procedure.

Okay, Geoff, sit down!

Sorry, I-I guess
we're both nervous.

But it's gonna be okay.

Hey, you two.

Dr. B!

Please don't call me that.

...O-W-M-A-N. Bowman.

With "doctor" in front.

Dr. Bowman. Saved it!

You're gonna be a weird dad.

You ready to hear
what you're having?

- Yes, we are.
- We're gonna pass.

- Okay.
- Um, hon?

Look, I-I know we wanted
to find out the sex.

But I don't want to
find out the sex.

So let's not find out the sex.

But we've been
discussing this for months.

Which is exactly why
we're gonna hear it!

Another time.

- Erica.
- Okay, Bowman, go.

- Now stop!
- Oh, geez.

Boy or girl? Spill it!

- And you die!
- Okay, okay.

What's going on?

'Cause I thought that you were
excited about finding out.

I was, but suddenly
it seems too soon.

I don't want to know until the
baby's really here. I'm sorry.

Call me when you figure it out.

Okay, we will. Or we won't.

I guess that's your point.

Yay, parenting!
It's already hard.

While Erica had flip-flopped

on finding out
the sex of their baby,

I was still concerned
my mom would flip out

when I went to NYU.

Hey, Mr. Glascott,
got a second?

For a recent graduate
who's off my books?

Absolutely not.

Shut the door behind you,
and have a great life.

Please!

Adam, I just spent the last hour

at the Home Ec sewing machine

altering my own pants

so they could fit
a third grader who wet himself.

I need this Cinnabon bad.

But I'm really worried
about my mom.

I need you to have a heartfelt
one-on-one with her.

Well, as you know, heartfelt
one-on-ones are kinda my thing.

I know she's gonna be devastated

when I go away to NYU,

but she's putting on
a brave face.

Can you find out
how she's really feeling?

As an admired and esteemed
guidance counselor,

the best man is on the job.

Odd. I've never seen
your legs before.

Well, we all have them.

Some are just skinnier
than others.

And do not touch that Cinnabon.

And so,
Mr. Glascott went to see

if he could figure out what was
really going on in my mom's heart.

Hey, John. How are you?

- Not lonely. You?
- What?

Adam's gonna be gone soon.

And I was wondering
how you're feeling

about living with nothing but
the echoes of his footsteps.

Oh, I'll miss him, of
course, but it's time, you know?

- It is. So, what if you fall down?
- Fall down?

You're making sauce, it
splatters, you slip and fall.

Next thing you know, you're
lying on your back, legs akimbo.

I would never spill my sauce.

Unless it's on a bed of
linguine with Parmed shrimp.

Sounds delicious.
I'll be by later.

But my point is,

you're alone and helpless
because Adam isn't there.

Well, what about Barry?
Or Geoff, or Erica?

Or my father-in-law?

- They're at a movie.
- So? They'll be home soon.

It's The Right Stuff.

Running time
is over three hours.

I'll pull the phone down.

- It's dead.
- Why?

You were overwhelmed with
loneliness and forgot to pay the bill.

Your world has gone dark.

Tell me I'm wrong, Beverly.

You are! I am ready for this!

And when I am alone,
I will tell myself,

if my friend John
can handle it, then so can I.

- Me?
- Yes!

I mean, you're alone almost
every day, and you manage.

Sure, you've got that bird,
but it's not a person.

Well, she says stuff.

She repeats stuff.

Uh-huh.

I got a lot to re-examine.

Thank you for always thinking
of me. It means so much.

Whatever.

How'd it go?

The woman is a fortress
of hidden emotions.

She's got all of her walls up,

and they are deflecting things
back at innocent people.

Get out of here.

While my mom
was holding back her feelings,

Geoff's parents couldn't
contain their excitement.

Aah, big faces!

- What is it? Boy or girl?
- Reveal!

Yeah, we decided
not to find out.

- Me!
- Oh, oh, Lou, calm down.

You calm down!
I want a gender, Linda!

If the kids decide that
they don't want to know,

we have to respect that.

Is it what you and Erica want,
Geoffy? Or just Erica?

Because this has
all the hallmarks

of a classic
Goldbergian flip-flop.

- What are you talking about?
- It's how they control us.

Remember our last dinner there?

Beverly said
we'd be having chicken.

Then what did she serve?

Salmon!

I had fish sticks for lunch.

All that planning
was out the window!

Erica did
lead the charge on this,

but I do have something fun
for you guys.

It's a
sonogram picture of your grandchild!

Oh! Ah! How cute!

- Where's my jeweler's loupe?
- Jeweler's loupe?

He uses it now
for his new hobby.

He paints pewter
Civil War figurines.

And, yes,
it's as exciting as it sounds.

Oh, and mustard tasting
with your sisters is Mardi Gras?

- A-ha!
- What is it?

Would you like to know
the sex of your child?

Uh, but Erica...

Sure, she makes
the big decisions for you.

But if you're interested...

You see that tiny protrusion
right there?

- Is that...
- He's a Schwartz man!

- Really?
- Yes!

Ahh!

Son of my son.

Made in the image of all the Schwartzes
before him in all our limited glory!

Oh, yes, that is a Schwartz man.

I'm having a boy?

The name lives on!

Now all you have to do is keep this secret
from your wife for the next few months.

While Geoff
had to keep a secret,

I was figuring out
how to keep my mom happy.

Okay, so, in a week, we're
set to head off to NYU together.

On our own, starting
our adult lives together.

But I won't be attending,
so you'll be going alone.

- Wait, what?
- I'm deferring for a year.

Dude, I chose NYU
so we could go together.

To share our adventure?

I talked to student housing,

and you're gonna be sharing
your adventure with Yuri Agapov.

He's enrolled in the school's Elder
Education Foreign Exchange program.

My freshman-year roommate
is some old Russian dude?

I'm sorry. But maybe you can distract yourself
by coming up with ideas to tell my mom

why I'm not going with you.

Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied
thinking about how you ruined my life.

Lives get ruined,
that's the way of the world.

You eat the crap sandwich,

you hope the next one's smaller.

But it never works out that way.

He is not like your other grandpa.

What are you doing
with that chalkboard?

Just a little
brainstorming sesh.

But I brought the JTP here
for mybrainstorming sesh.

Brainstorming? You told us
you invented a new pizza.

Yeah, barbecue ribs,
fried rice, and taco.

It seems like too many flavors,
but now we'll never know.

JTP, shh!

JTP, shh!

I heard the Hasselhoff movie

is hiring locals to run errands.

So why are we here?

I need you to give me tips to
make me look like a pathetic loser

that would fetch coffee
for Hollywood people.

Why would we know anything
about being a loser?

No reason.

Just tell me where you buy
your clothes

and how you live your lives,
and I'll take it from there.

- Super hurtful.
- Not cool.

Mostly Sears.

Barry gave me an idea,
Dave Kim. Follow me to my car.

What happens if I commit and then
you just decide not to go to your car?

Huh? Huh?

We can do better
than these people.

Yep, I was armed
with a brilliant plan:

Hassle the Hoff
by sneaking into his trailer.

Hello? Mr. Hasselhoff?

He's not here.

Good.
I'm rooting for you to fail.

Although this is kinda cool.

We're in the Hoff's
inner sanctum.

To think, this is where
he works on his craft

and brushes his lustrous mane.

Holy crap,
his Knight Rider jacket.

- Whoa.
- So rugged yet supple.

That's full grain, baby.

Softer than
my mother's nightgown.

Softer than both of our
mothers' nightgowns.

Why are you boys
being weird in my trailer?

Hello, Mr. Hasselhoff, sir.

Wow, you look
even buffer in person.

Thank you. The secret
is to be born beautiful.

It is an honor.

And if it wasn't
for Knight Rider

and the way you handled KITT,

I may never have mustered up
the courage to learn to drive.

Please leave.

Before we go, may I offer you my
humble services as your on-set assistant?

No, now beat it before
I have you both arrested.

So, my plan
failed, but I wasn't done yet.

I won't give up!
You'll love my perseverance!

But you should know that I have a
note from my doctor about lifting things.

Out, out, out, out, out, out!

Geoff knew
something he shouldn't,

and the hard part?
Keeping his mouth shut.

Listen. I know
you guys decided against

finding out the sex of the baby,

but just in case,

the search
for the right mohel continues.

More mohels. Yay.

If it's a boy, the foreskin and
penis will be the stars of the show.

Can't wait to see that show.

Ooh, look at the time. I'm
supposed to meet Ginzy at foreskin.

Oh, I mean 4:00.

Oh! Someone's got
foreskin on the brain.

You okay, hon?

I know you really wanted
to find out today.

Oh, I'm fine.
As long as you're happy.

Also I found out
the sex of the baby.

- What?
- I-It's my dad's fault.

He saw the sonogram,
and he is a doctor,

and he held this lens-thingy
with his own eye socket.

Wow. You know what you are?

- A bad boy?
- That's right.

And what happens to bad boys?

They get punished
'cause they did bad.

See, you know the sex
of our baby, but guess what?

I forbid you to tell me.

I can't keep this to myself!

Until our baby is born, you will carry
this burden with you day after day,

knowing it was forged
in the fires of your betrayal.

Please don't do this to me!
Wait, where are you going?

Out. So you can be alone
with your thoughts.

Alone with my thoughts? But
that's when a bad boy feels baddest!

Remember, you did this.

And I would never
do that to you.

But she totally would.

I need Dr. Bowman to tell me
the sex of my baby now.

Also, my husband
can never know I was here.

And if he finds out, I'll know
that someone in this room is a rat.

Ma'am, Dr. Bowman
is in delivery.

Fine. I'm sure
the info's in my file.

It must be one of these, right?

Not me, not me, not me.

Ma'am, it's not there.
What was your name again?

Erica Goldberg.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

While Erica
knew what she was having,

I was having a hard time
telling my mom the truth.

I got a job
with David Hasselhoff.

I did not get a job
with David Hasselhoff.

Adam, what are you
talking about?

It sounds too good to be true.

It was.

But I'm his new
personal assistant.

Again, I was not.

What the hell does
a personal assistant do?

You pick up dry cleaning,
roll up turkey slices,

maybe visit with a sick parent

if it conflicts with
an important drinks meeting.

So you'll be helping an?

That's just how
Hollywood works, babe.

And it's a great way to get my
foot in the door and learn the biz.

But you go to NYU in a week.
You can't start a job now.

Especially
since it doesn't exist.

The Hoff, like myself,

is the kind of man
other men want to be.

I know how he dreams,
how he thinks, how he sniffs.

Like this.

See? Effortless.

What are you talking about?

He'd never hire a dork like you.

Then why do I have this?

The script pages
they're shooting that day.

Face it.
David and I are best buds now.

Our wives will have to get
along on our joint vacations

even though
they despise each other.

I demand you introduce me so I
can have the life you are describing.

Absolutely not.

Part of my job is to make sure
people like you

don't get anywhere
near David Hasselhoff.

Damn it!

That sounds like something
David would do.

Look, if you leave right now,
silently and without a scene,

maybe I'll get you
his autograph.

I'm still not sold, Adam.

Your father always said, "There's
nothing more important than college."

I'll still go.
After I defer a year.

I called NYU.

They said the job
would count as school credit.

They couldn't
because there was no job.

- Really?
- Yes.

Not even a little.

It's like the perfect situation.

And, I mean,
it's David Hasselhoff.

And who better to teach you
about life than a Hollywood actor?

Well...

Is that a yes, Mama?

I guess so.

My lies worked.

Meanwhile, Erica was working
over Geoff for betraying her trust.

Here you go. Nachos from
your favorite Tex-Mex joint.

It's ringing.

Hello?

Uh-huh. Thanks.

That was the doctor's office.

You, uh,
left your sunglasses there

when you went by to find out
the sex of the baby?

Oh.

You've been making me
feel guilty

and running me all over town

when you did
the same thing I did?

I only wanted to know
after you knew!

I could have just told you
what I knew!

I didn't want you to know
that I knew!

I knew you wanted to know.
I just knew it!

I knew that you knew
that I wanted to know,

but you had still known
before I hadn't known anything!

And you knew that was wrong!

Well, it's also wrong
to pretend not to know

when you knew what was known!

Well, it was still unknown
until I knew it,

but that was after you knew
what I didn't want to know.

- I know!
- And now I know!

So we can just say it
and know together!

- We're having a boy!
- We're having a girl!

- What?
- What?

The sex remained a mystery,

but what wasn't a mystery was that
my mom was going to interfere in my life.

Welcome to the family,
Mr. Hasselhoff!

- What the h...
- I'm Adam's mom.

- Adam?
- Yeah.

The little piece of pottery that I
baked in my lady kiln 18 years ago.

Lady kiln?

Oh, poor thing, you seem off.

Did you have a rough day on set?

Listen, why don't I give you
some shrimp Parm

and then you can go shluffie?

Lady, what's happening here?

You know Adam,
your new assistant.

Remember? I baked him in here.

I don't have a new assistant.

Glasses,
golden locks like sunshine?

A million-watt smile
that would melt an iceberg?

I know who you think
you're talking about, and no.

Well, why would he lie to me?

I'm sorry, Mr. Hasselhoff,
I got to figure this out.

Ah.

Geoff and Erica
still didn't know

if they were having
a boy or a girl,

and it was time
to find out the truth.

So, this is the sonogram

your father,
the ophthalmologist,

was looking at when he
determined you were having a boy?

And the appendage
in question was, um,

reminiscent in the style
of most Schwartz men.

Yeah, that's a pinky.

Yeah, it is pink, isn't it?

But don't worry, it'll cool
down to a pale chiffon.

I meant, that's not a penis.

Well, it's not much, but
it'll still do what it needs to.

He's saying
it's a pinky finger, dumb-dumb.

Ohh.

So it is a girl?

Because...

The "F" on my chart.

For "Female"?

And who else on your chart
could be female?

Me?

Ohh.

When it comes to taking care of
this baby, will you two have help?

Okay, so we were both wrong.
Can you just tell us?

I would, but someone
made a mess of our files,

and the slip of paper with that
info hasn't been found.

Well, that person
sounds fun and pretty.

Today is your
high-resolution ultrasound.

If you want to know,
I can tell you then.

All right? You think about it.

As Geoff and Erica
had a decision to make,

my mom knew exactly
what she wanted to say to me.

Home already, Schmoo?

We wrapped early.

The director threw a tantrum
about his smoothie

and wouldn't come out
of his trailer.

That's Holly weird.

Oh, balls!

Your sweater would suggest
that you know

I'm not actually working
with David Hasselhoff.

Do you have any idea
how heartbreaking it was

for me to bedazzle
this sweater, Adam?

No, but it seems like there might
have been an easier way to call me out.

She's been ironing with her
back to the door for an hour.

What's going on?

Oh.

This should be good.

I went to see Mr. Hasselhoff

to deliver a "thank you Parm"
for hiring Adam,

but he made the whole thing up.

My Schmoo is a this!

A big fat this!

You spoke to David Hasselhoff?

How is everyone but me managing
to get so close to this guy?

I don't know what's going on
in your head, Mr. This,

but the first thing we're going
to do is re-enroll you at NYU.

No! I can't leave you now.

You've been through too much.

I'll be okay.

- You won't.
- Adam!

I don't believe you!

What is this about?

It's just, I'm not ready.

Okay?

I'm not ready. I thought
I was, but I'm just not.

Sweetie.

Losing Dad, it's been a lot.

And now with Barry
and Pop-Pop here,

and Geoff and Erica
having the baby,

I'm finally feeling
almost good again.

I don't want to give that up.

Well, then you don't have to.

Really?

Yeah.

NYU will be there
in another year.

Sorry I tried to put it on you.

I should have just admitted
how I was feeling.

It's okay, Schmoo.

We're all doing the best we can.

Confession!

The reason I've been so crazy

about getting
that autograph is, well,

we used to watch
Knight Rider with Dad.

He loved it as much as us,

so I-I thought it'd be cool to have
something that reminded me of that.

You know what?

You want an autograph?
Let's go get it.

- For real?
- Yeah, I want to meet this Hoff guy, too.

Come on, Bar.

Let's go break into
the poor man's trailer again.

I'd love that.

It's funny.

Sometimes the detours of life can
take us exactly where we need to be.

But it's also nice when
you're already on the right path.

There it is.

First live images of your baby.

And everything's okay?

It's perfect.

And here is the heartbeat.

Oh, my God.

That's our baby.

I just can't believe it.

So, do you wanna know
if it's a boy or a girl?

- Nope.
- No, thank you.

The baby's healthy.

Erica's healthy.

That's all that matters.

No matter how much we plan,

there will always be surprises.

Some good, some bad, and some
you never could have predicted.

I thought he was shorter.

It's like looking in a mirror.

We're gonna need an autograph.

And I really think
you should hire my son.

If you promise to never
come in this trailer again,

I might be able to get him
a PA job on the set.

- Really?
- But...

He's got to bring me
more of that shrimp Parm.

It's so good.

Yes.

That's the thing about family.

When you lean on
the people you love,

things tend to work out
in the end.

And even your biggest dreams
can come true.

Ah, JTP,

my barbecue rib,

fried rice, taco pizza.

Whoo!

Buckle up and enjoy

your international journey.

It's both sweet and salty,
but also soft and crunchy,

as if zero thought
was given to its assembly.

Oh!

I just bit into something sharp.

That's rib bone.

I left them in

for some extra flavor.

That explains why
my slice is so heavy.

Pizza can be anything.

Not in this case.

Move! I'm outta here!

I'll finish his.

Ew.

Not bad.