The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Goldbergs Never Say Die! - full transcript

Every kid has that one
movie that defined their childhood.

Mine was "The Goonies."

It had treasure hunting,
pirates, kids on an adventure,

and cool gadgets built by Data.

I lived "Goonies."
I breathed "Goonies."

I even did the truffle shuffle,
a dance made famous

by Chunck, the lovable fat kid.

- Aww.
- Mom!

Is it silly dance time?

It's the truffle shuffle.

You're ruining my movie.



I'm pretty sure
I'm making it better.

She wasn't.

Their time! Up there! I was obsessed.
I wanted to live out every scene.

Down here it's our time.
Down here it's our time.

It's our time down here!
It's our time down here!

All right, beat it, butthole.
I rented "weird science."

No! Stop!
It's not over yet.

Let me tell you how it ends.

I punch you in the chest,
you cry, roll end credits.

Adam! What the hell?

- Did you take my hair dryer?
- Relax.

I think you're gonna
be delighted

when you see
what I've done with it.

- It's a goonie gadget.
- Neat.



Let's see how this thing works.

Wow. Works well.

You owe me a hair dryer,
you putz.

Hey. Great news.

There's a horrible smell
coming from the attic,

and your mom wants me
to figure out what it is.

How is that great news?

I got the brilliant idea
to dump it off on you morons.

I'm 80% sure
something's dead up there.

Go make some memories.

I'll be there in a sec.

I'm just about to watch
the good part.

Which is all of it.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

"How do toasters work"?

What? No.
I have an idea.

Every time I went up
into my attic,

I wished
I'd find a treasure map,

just like in my favorite scene
from "Goonies."

Unfortunately for me,

I'd mentioned that
to Erica and Barry.

Whoa.

I didn't know mom and dad
had this much crap up here.

Barry, when you drop something,
pick it up.

What the?

It's an old map of Jenkintown.

Oh, that thing?

Mom bought that when the
historical society shut down.

Oh, my God. It's signed
by William Penn.

Why would the founder
of Pennsylvania

sign a map of our town?

Because he died
in this very neighborhood.

Yeah, and they never found
his fortune. Who cares?

Come on. We have an attic
to clean.

There's an "x" on this map,
right in our own neighborhood.

An "x"?
What does an "x" mark?

The spot.

Guys, there's treasure
in this town,

and we're gonna find it.

Come on! Follow me!

I don't hear you running
after me!

We should be running
as a group.

You know, I like it
when we work together as a team

to torture and humiliate
our little brother.

Yeah. We should do
more mean projects together.

# I'm twisted up inside

# but nonetheless
I feel the need to say #

It was February 22,
1980-something,

and the day began like
most others for my grandpa.

Good morning, House of Waffles!
Belgian beauties on me!

Yep, breakfast for everyone,

but that's just who he was.

Pops' generosity knew
no boundaries.

- Hey, Albert. Nice shirt.
- You want it? It's yours.

No, no,
I-I don't want the shirt.

Take it.
Take the shirt.

All I said was
the shirt was nice.

That was the thing about pops.

He'd literally give you
the shirt off his back,

and we'd try not
to take advantage of him,

most of the time.

Big news, everybody.

It's my half-birthday
in two months.

Your half-birthday?

And you've just been sitting
on that?

No, stop.

There is no such thing
as a half-birthday.

Dad, take the money back.

Mom, leave him alone.

A handsome
60-year-old man

has the right to do
whatever he wants.

You think I'm 60?
Get over here.

And stop giving cash
to the kids

every time they lie to you
about your age.

Bevy, leave the man alone.

He's doing damn good
for a 40-year-old.

This guy!

While pops was giving away
his fortune,

I'd gathered my best friends
to find some of our own.

What's going on?
What are you nimrods up to?

Good, you're here.
Now the treasure hunt can begin.

Here are the costumes to the
characters you'll be assigned.

I, of course, will be Mikey,
leader of the Goonies.

That was both in reference
to my character,

also to help
my seasonal allergies.

Okay, let's keep this moving.

I've got some normal people
to see later.

Erica, you'll be Stef,
the unpleasant crab fisherman.

Dana, you'll be Andy,
the cute cheerleader.

Aww, that's sweet.

Get a room.
And for obvious reasons,

Emmy Mirsky, you'll be mouth.

I know you're a girl,
but I think of you like a dude.

And I think of you like a girl.

Okay! Really digging
this outfit.

Tell me more about this
clearly awesome badass.

You're my big brother.
That makes you brand.

Got it... I'm Burt,
the handsome surfer

who solves crimes at night, eh?

Close enough.

Chad Kremp, you'll play Chunk.

Stuff this pillow
under your shirt

and munch on this Baby Ruth.

Um, can this be a granola bar?

My mom won't let me
eat chocolate.

Oh, Chunk.
Classic comic sidekick.

- Are we a team or what?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

Question...
which Goonie am I?

Oh, yeah, Dave Kim.

Good question.
Who's left?

Let's see. Hmm.

Tough call.

Well, Brand is taken, so...

You wanted me to be Data.

What? No.

I just invited all of my closest
friends over to hang out.

You've literally never
invited me over before.

So you don't think
we're friends.

That really stings, Dave Kim...
really stings.

But since you're here,
you might as well wear

this elaborate gadget
and trench coat.

Or I'll be Mikey.

- You want to be Mikey? Be Mikey.
- Then I'm Mikey.

You can't be Mikey!
Just put on the coat!

All right, Goonies,

who's ready for the adventure
of a lifetime?

# Good enough

# for you, it's good enough

This is it. I can feel it.

Some treasure hunt... biking
10 feet across the street.

You're wrong, Dave Kim.

This is quite an adventure.

According to this map,
this is the spot.

Okay, we got to look for
anything out of the ordinary.

Look! That's a weird knot
in the tree.

Seems strange.

Like I said, this is
quite an adventure.

I told you this was real.

You guys ready?

'Cause once I open this...
Everything changes.

It's a note.

It says...

"Adam Goldberg
is a giant nerd!"

Say "cheese."

It's true.
You're such a nerd.

I hate you guys!

Adam, come on.

It's not like we invited
all of your friends.

But that did make it
extra hilarious.

Go ahead, yuck it up.

Starting now, I don't have
a brother and sister.

You're both dead to me.

We should go. Nobody tell
my mom about the chocolate.

Shut up, Chunck.

Thanks, Adam.

This was fun... Until the sad,
embarrassing part.

- Bye, Adam.
- Bye, Adam. See ya.

While my siblings were busy
ruining my life,

pops was living the high life.

So, what do you want to drink?

Red or white?

A Martini.
A little dirty.

Mm. I was hoping
you'd say that.

Hello!

What?

D-did you break
into my place?

No, I had a key made...

Which didn't work
because you changed the locks,

so I had to crawl in
through the window, so yes.

Who's this?

This is my daughter,
who was just leaving.

Sorry. I'm not really interested
in dating someone with kids.

Miriam, I swear
she's on her way out.

- I had no idea how this...
- Bye-bye.

Bye.

Nice job.
She was a sure thing.

Do you know how long...

Dad, we need to talk.
Your finances are a mess.

Oh, please.

You're late paying your bills,

you've been forgetting
to cash your checks,

and you've made some
very questionable investments.

I believe in that alpaca farm.

The alpaca
is the dog of the future.

Dad, I've got to take over
your finances.

The hell you are.

It says here you closed

your safety deposit box
five years ago.

I had a key. They had a key.
It was crazy.

So where's mom's good jewelry?
It was all in there.

- I gave it to you.
- No, you didn't.

I clearly remember handing it
directly to you.

You had a colorful sweater
and big hair,

and you were on your way

to tell somebody
how to run their life.

Okay, now you're just
describing me on any given day.

So you remember it, too.

Fine. You want me to ransack
my house from top to bottom?

I will.

But when I don't find that
jewelry, I'm calling the shots.

How dare you?

I'm very responsible
with my money.

You're using $10 bills
as coasters.

I ran out of fives.

Meanwhile, it had been a week

since I spoke to my brother
and sister,

and it was finally starting
to get to them.

Hey, pal.
You're looking good, strong.

What's that I hear, the wind?

Come on, Adam.

What do we got to do to stop
being dead to you already?

You can start with an apology.

Okay, fine.
We feel really bad.

For real, we're sorry.

I don't accept.

- You can't do that!
- I just did.

Take the sorry.

I reject the sorry!

You asked for the sorry!

I asked for it
so I could reject it.

You take the damn sorry!
Take it now! Take it!

I take nothing!

He's not taking it.

So you're just gonna
disown us? Unreal.

It's just a stupid,
stupid movie.

Not to me. That movie
is everything to me.

And you used it to embarrass me

in front of all my friends
and Dave Kim!

Okay, we got caught up
in the excitement

of crushing your little spirit.

But we'll figure out a way
to even the score.

Trust me, I'm way ahead of you.

# Erica Slater,
that's gonna be my name #

# Erica Slater, unless
you think it's lame #

# Then we'll change your name
to Christian Go-o-ldberg #

Adam! God! Get out!

What did you do?!

You embarrassed me
in front of my friends,

so I sent this out
to a few select people

so you'll know
what it feels like.

- No!
- Yes!

- No!
- Yes!

That sucks, girl.

So we're good?

We sure are. I sent out a little
workout video of you.

So? I look good
when I work out.

With Mom.
That happened one time!

The one time I was filming it.

Dead!
You're dead to me!

Doesn't matter, 'cause you're
already dead to me!

Well, you're really dead to me!

Well, then that's settled.

We're all dead to each other.

Why would Christian Slater

change his last name
to Goldberg?

The search for my
grandmother's missing jewels had begun.

And when Beverly Goldberg
is on the hunt,

it's best to steer clear.

Okay, Dad, I've looked
everywhere down here.

No jewelry.

Now I'm heading upstairs

to start tearing apart
the rest of the house,

unless you want to
tell me something.

I want to tell you good luck.

I'm rooting for you, princess.

Unbelievable.

Albert, this is madness.
She's killing both of us here.

How are you getting killed?

She's going through every nook
and cranny of this house.

She already found my stash
of Cuban cigars.

She found my secret tin
of multi-flavored popcorn...

caramel, yellow cheese,
white cheese.

- Ooh, I like the white cheese.
- We all do.

Albert,
you're not going to win,

so let's end this
and get your finances in order.

Let me help you.

Here.
I even made you a budget.

This is a cruel joke, right?

$200 a month for clothes?
Are you nuts?

It's more than enough.

I wear silk.
It costs me a fortune.

Little worms make it.
Little worms make my clothes.

Well, then don't wear silk.

You're lucky I don't punch you
in the face right now.

Fine, $300 for clothes,

but it's coming out
of your food budget.

No way. It's already
unreasonably low.

How can I buy waffles for
an entire restaurant on $400?

- You can't.
- Selfish son of bitch.

Okay, fine...
$500 for food,

but I am not budging
on entertainment.

You only have me budgeted
for three massages a week.

It's insanity.

Do you know why this skin
is like butter?

'Cause it's rubbed with butter.

A woman named Rhoda

comes to my house
and rubs butter on me.

Now, do you want to
deprive me and her

- of that experience?
- Yes.

I am 100% positive
I gave Beverly that jewelry,

and I'm outraged that you
don't believe me... outraged.

So, you've been lying to Mom
this whole time?

Pops, this is bad.

When Mom finds out
that you're the one

who forgot
where you put the jewelry,

you'll be on a budget forever.

Rhoda will never
butter you up again.

Not if we track down
that jewelry.

I found this.

It's a list of Nana's jewelry,

plus a little clue to help me
remember where I put it.

"Irene's necklace, wedding ring,
brooch, and gems.

Play this until it ends."

- It rhymes.
- I like to make things fun.

- So what does the clue mean?
- No clue.

You know what this is?
A treasure hunt.

So you'll help me find it?

I vowed that my treasure-hunting
days were over.

But for you,
I'll come out of retirement.

Thanks for coming back.

I know how this is gonna sound,

but there actually is a bag
of lost jewelry,

and it's up to us to find it.

Dude, this is getting
kind of sad.

I'm serious. You're just gonna
have to trust me on this.

All right, but I'm really not
supposed to have chocolate.

We don't have to be Goonies
this time.

Oh, yeah?
So what, then?

"Indiana Jones"?
I got to be short round?

No, Dave Kim!

This isn't a movie.
This is real life.

And I just really wanted
my friends to help me.

So, what's the plan?

First, we need to get
the rest of our team.

Hey, you guys.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- We need your help.
- No fricking way!

- Not after you sent out those
humiliating tapes of us. - Yeah!

Everyone's making fun of me
at school.

No one will sit
next to me at lunch.

Girls are ignoring me.

- Dude, I didn't send out any tapes.
- Say what?

I just said I did
to make you guys mad.

No, no, you sent out tapes
to everyone at school

and that girl who works at
the Orange Julius at the mall.

- I really didn't.
- Huh?

- No tapes.
- No tapes?

- No tapes. - Well, I've got
some stuff to think about.

And we're not
helping you. Deal with it.

Wait.

Pops lost a bag of jewelry,
and we need to find it.

Enough! I'm so tired of you
and that stupid movie.

I know it's stupid.

Look, I know "the Goonies"
isn't for everybody.

I know if you got dropped
on your head,

you wouldn't be a monster
with wiggling ears.

I know a kid
can't fall down a pit

and be saved
by chattering teeth.

And I can't tell you why pirates
would build a water slide.

But I still love "the Goonies"
'cause it's about friends

working together to do something
that really matters.

And this really matters.

You know why?

To quote "Goonies,"
it's our time.

It's our time down here.

Damn,
that's a well-written movie.

And just like
that, the real adventure had begun.

Okay, I've torn apart the house
from top to bottom,

and I found some
very questionable things...

fireworks, throwing stars,

Barry's hidden
lingerie catalogs,

Erica's wine coolers,
Murray's Ding Dongs,

Murray's Ho Hos,
Murray's Tastykakes,

a machete...
don't know whose this is.

But you know
what I didn't find?

Bevy, I know
it's somewhere in this house.

Just give it
another look-see.

And if you don't find it,
I'll do whatever you want.

Fine. But this
is the last time.

Come on, Adam.
I need this.

We were back in the attic
where it all began.

But this time,
the treasure hunt was real,

and one man's buttery massages
depended on it.

Wait. There's something here.
Look, on the back.

This is part of a treble clef.

This has been ripped off
the corner of some sheet music.

Sheet music?
I saw some earlier.

Guys, I saw this book
in a photo.

Look. It's Pops and Nana
and the book.

"Play this until it ends."
He means Nana's piano.

It's in storage at Dad's work.

We need to get his keys.

Guys, his pants
are at the door. Duh.

The hell are you doing?
Let's drive.

No, we're taking our bikes.
It'll be fun.

# Good enough

# for you, it's good enough

whoo!

# For me, it's good enough

# good enough for me

# yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# hoo-hoo

It's all the way back there.

# To feel the push and pull how are
we gonna get to it? There's no way.

I've got this.

I'm super strong
'cause I've been working out.

- Yeah, with Mom. - Not just with Mom!

# You mirror me

# Stumbling through those okay.

# Old-fashioned superstitions
Move. Move. Get under me.

# I find too hard to break
Come on. Faster.

# Oh, maybe you're out of place
# it was time to be a leader.

My friends had counted on me
to get them this far,

and there was no turning back.
# What's good enough

it was our time.
# For you, it's good enough

# for me, it's good enough

# It's good enough for me

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
it's inside the piano.

# For you, it's good enough

Sure, it was just old-lady jewelry, but to us,

- it was the greatest treasure
we'd ever seen. - Whoa.

# Good enough for me

# yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
unbelievable, kiddo. You really did it.

# Hoo-hoo
Goldbergs never say die.

- What are you doing?
- Hiding it for your mother to find.

You saw nothing.

Listen, Pops.

I know Mom's a pain,
but this time, she was right.

Yeah, Pops was stubborn.

But even he knew when it was
time to admit he was wrong.

Dad.

I know. I'm sorry.

Okay.

What's this?

It's a little thank-you
in advance

for helping me do my budget

and pay my bills
and two years of back taxes.

It's a bit of a cluster[Bleep]

Yes.

But I require no less
than four massages a week.

I'm not an animal.

That's the thing about family.

They may hate your movie

or disagree
with how you spend your money.

But in the end,
they are there with you

to eat some Belgian beauties.

That was the first morning

Pops didn't buy
the whole restaurant waffles,

just our family.

Hey, everybody!

Bloody Marys on me!

All right!

Technically,
it was more expensive,

but it was a start.

Oh, there are my weights.

Go away.
I'm using them.

Well, you're not using
this one correctly.

Let me show you how to do it.

I don't need your help.

Yes, you do.
And extend.

- I know what I'm doing.
- And twist.

- Do you feel that?
- Ooh, yeah.

This is what I like to call
a rainy-day bike ride.

- It's working your abs...
- Oh, my abs?

...and your quads and your hams
and your shins.

So will it get rid
of my baby fat?

Okay. Don't drop
it on your face.

We're marching.
We're in a parade.

Who's the leader of the band?
Big tasty. Big tasty.

All right, I want you to be

completely honest with me,
Dave Kim...

Mom or no Mom,

my body's shaping up nice,
am I right?

You people are weird.

Dave kim, your parents
are out of town.

You're throwing a party.
How is it going?

Uh, it's getting
a little out of control,

But it was worth it.