The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - You Opened the Door - full transcript

Beverly chaperons the school dance when, she learns Adam and Dana are attending it together. Murray endures teaching Barry about the birds and the bees.

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,

you couldn't keep up
with all the new dance styles.

There was breakin', poppin'
and lockin', the running man,

and something called
the electric boogaloo.

Unfortunately, I had two left feet.

I often found walking
a hard enough challenge.

- You okay?
- Me? Yeah...

been working out a lot.

My quads locked up on me.
That ever happen to you?

- Um, no.
- Das coo', das coo'.

- [chuckles] Here you go.
- Well, thanks for the help.

Hey, um, you going
to the dance Friday?

- Are you going?
- Yeah, maybe.

- Save me a dance?
- Oh, definitely. Sounds scrumptious.

Dana was amazing.

She wanted to dance with me,
and she didn't care

that I used words like "scrumptious."

Nothing was gonna bring me down.

Beverly: Adam!

Hurry up! We're late
for your dentist appointment!

Well, almost nothing.

Do you need to make...?
Make poo-poos?

I know you refuse to go at school,

but we don't have time
to stop at home,

so if you have to make poo-poos,
then make poo-poos here.

Oh, my god! I'm fine!
Just let me in and let's go!

- Well, first, tell me who that girl was.
- What girl? There was no girl.

You were talking
to Dana Caldwell.

Why do you ask me a question
if you already know the answer?

Unlock the door!

[singsong voice]
What were you talking about?

- Nothing!
- What were you talking about?

- Nothing!
- Were you talking about the dance?

- Tell me everything.
- Let's just go to the dentist already!

- What were you talking about?
- Oh, my god!

I'm the one kid in this world

who's looking forward
to getting his teeth drilled.

All right, Captain no fun.

With a smother like mine,
you have to shut her down fast.

You can't open the door,
even a crack.


So, then, Dana asked Adam
if he was going to the dance,

and Adam said yes. So, then,
she said to save her a dance.

How do you know all this
if you were in the car?

Sometimes a mother just knows.

And I trained myself
to read lips a little bit.

Huh. Read my lips.

- You need help.
- Murray, this is a big deal.

Our baby has his first girlfriend.

I think you know what that means.

- It's time for the talk.
- What talk?

You know,
about the birds and the bees

and what they do when they've
had a couple of white wines

and put on a Lionel Richie record?

Yeah, that talk.
Not for me.

Not for you?
You're his father.

Just give him the same talk
you gave Barry.


Ooh, here's the thing ...
I never did that.

What?! You were supposed
to talk that talk with him

- about three years ago!
- I know. I know. What can I say?

- It got away from me.
- Well, do it now.

What's the rush?

There's not, like, a line
outside of his bedroom.

- Murray!
- Fine!

[mimicking, no audio]

No, you are a pain in my ass!

That's right. I read lips.

[title music]
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was November 22,

and I was gonna learn to dance.

What do you mean
you don't know how to dance?

You're my grandson.
You've got rhythm in your blood!

I'm an open book.
Teach me.

As always, my Grandfather would

give me
all the answers I needed.

He had never failed me before.

A-shuffle and a-cha!

A-shuffle and a-cha!

A-squibbidy bee,
a-squibbidy boo!

A-squibbidy bee,
a-squibbidy boo!

And we take a break
'cause my foot is swollen!

There was a first time
for everything.

I had to find another teacher.

Erica, teach me to dance, and fast!

W-what did he say?
Come on! Then what did he say?

Please! I need to learn
how to move my body to music!

Lainey's in crisis.

Her parents bought her a
new car and it's yellow!

Barry: What's the matter,
little buddy?

- Got a problem Narry can solve?
- No.

- You'll just make fun of me.
- What? I would never do that.

Fine. I need someone
to teach me how to dance.

Ha! Loser.

But you came to the right guy.

- But I'm not coming to you.
- Let's do this.

[dance music plays]


When are you gonna
start dancing?

Shut up! My body's
becoming one with the beat.



The wave!

Crab legs!


And turtle spin!

- Breakin'.
- How does any of this help me?

I need to learn how to dance
with a girl!

can't help you with that.

But I can help you with this.

The worm!


After I got an ice pack
for Barry's face,

I decided to teach myself
how to dance

because time was running out.

[dance music plays]

Mm, get funky,
snuggle monkey.

[panting] Wait, what?
T-this isn't "the A-team."

No, leave it on.
We dance to that in jazzercize.

Maybe I was desperate,
or maybe I was just hypnotized

by my Mom's
surprisingly sweet moves.


do you think you could teach me
how to do that?

I let her in the door.

Get over here.

For the first time,
my Mother and I

were on the same team
with the same goal.

[Men Without Hats'
"the Safety Dance" plays]

There you go. Perfect.

And feel free to jazz it up
with some head movements.

♪ we can dance if we want to,
we can leave your friends behind ♪

No one's gonna tell you you're
moving your head too much.

♪ 'cause your friends don't dance,
and if they don't dance ♪

♪ well, they're no friends of mine ♪

♪ say, we can go where we want to ♪

♪ a place where they will never find ♪

♪ and we can act like we come
from out of this world ♪

- Look ... we're kid 'n play!
- ♪ leave the real one far behind ♪

- # we can dance , come see #
- John Travolta. There you go.

It was awesome... until this.

[Survivor's "the Search is Over" plays]

Well, this has been great.
See ya!

- # how can I convince you #
- Wait a minute, mister.

I'm not letting you go before
I teach you how to slow dance.

- # what you see is real? #
- No. No way. Not interested.

Sweetie, I know you
better than anyone.

I know this is
what's stressing you out ...

- # who am I to blame you #
- hand placement, where do you look,

- How do you keep from stepping on her feet?
- ♪ for doubting what you feel? ♪

Those are all valid questions, yes.

- I had come this far. I couldn't turn back now.
- ♪ I was always reachin' ♪

- Screw it. Let's do this.
- ♪ I was living for a dream ♪

- First, you, uh, put your hands on my waist.
- ♪ loving for a moment ♪

- No, thank you.
- Adam, I'm your mother.

That's the point!

♪ taking on the world ♪

- # that was just my style #
- Just rock back and forth, very gently.

- Right... and left.
- ♪ now I look into your eyes ♪

- Right... left.
- ♪ I can see forever ♪

What are you doing?! Ohh!

- [muffled] No snuggies! No snuggies!
- ♪ the search is over ♪

- # you were with me all the while #
- You smell like the dryer.

- No snuggies!
- Honey, you're so yummy!

That's not cool.
I'm out of here.

- # now the miles stretch out behind me #
- But thanks for the help!

And just to be clear,
I know I'm yelling,

- but I'm actually very appreciative!
- ♪ loves that I have lost ♪

While I was learning to dance,

my dad was ready to do
some teaching of his own.

- What are you doing?
- Eating boo berry.

Good for you.
Very smart.

Feed your body.


So, your mom found out
that I never got around

- to giving you the talk.
- What talk?

The..."people making people" talk.

- Ohh, that talk!
- Exactly!

So, if she asks,
tell her we just had it.

- But we didn't.
- We don't need to.

I mean, you're a grown man,
and you know everything.

- Of course!
- Yeah!

I do have one question.

Is it true
you can get a girl pregnant

if you french kiss her
after midnight?

- What are you talking about?
- Like in the movie "Gremlins."

If you kiss after midnight,
the saliva goes into her tummy,

and 'cause of her hormones
and the moon,

six weeks later, a baby comes out.

Gremlins? You think ...
how could you even ... ugh!

- Where are you going?
- I got to regroup!

I wasn't prepared for this!
I need to prepare.

Turns out, my Dad's world
wasn't the only one caving in.

Do you want the rad news
or the totally rad news?

- Don't say "rad."
- I got these on sale and thought

they'd be perfect
to wear to the dance.

- You like 'em?
- They made a parachute into clothing!

Damn right, I like 'em!

And the even better news is
I will be joining you at the dance!

- What?!
- I know! [giggles]

I signed up to be a chaperone.

That way, I'll be there
to help with your moves.

I don't need help. ùDon't help me!

All kids are embarrassed
by their parents.

But don't think of me as your mom.
Think of me as your coach.

I don't want to think of you at all
when I'm dancing with Dana.

You won't even know I'm there.

And if I'm lucky, I'll get to see

my little baby have
his first slow dance!


I'd done the unthinkable.

I opened the door, and my Mom
had burst right through it!

What did he say?

- Have you lost your mind?!
- I slow-danced with mom!

- What?
- You heard me.

What do you mean?
What are you saying?

I... slow-danced...
with Mom.

You slow-danced with Mom?

- This doesn't concern you!
- What the hell it doesn't!

You can't go slow-dancing
with Mom and not expect me

to have lots of opinions on
this controversial matter.

It was a moment of weakness,
and she taught me how to dance,

and now she's gonna be
a chaperone tonight

and totally humiliate me!

- Now you've opened the door.
- I know.

- Just tell me how to close it.
- There is no way!

Once the door's open,
it stays open forever!

I sent her a letter
from camp saying I was homesick.

And the next night,
she showed up in the top bunk.

Look, this is a picture of us
in a canoe together!

Never again, Adam.
Never again!

This is all so upsetting.
I got to go. I can't be here.

Okay. There's got to be
a way out of this.

Yes! Lies and deception ...
that's your department.

I'll think of something ...
I promise.

- I love you.
- Don't say that.

Look into my eyes and
know that I... love... you.

Get out!

Love you!

- Again with the boo berry.
- You know it.

All right. Here we go.
Time for the talk.

All right, before we get down
to the nuts and bolts...

[laughs] Nuts.

[groans] All right,
instead of talking about

male and female body parts,
we're gonna use the names

of our favorite baseball players
as code words.

Look, you have a Mike Schmidt.

Ladies have a Wade Boggs.

And... why are we doing this?

This way, we won't be
talking about anything horrible.

We're just gonna be
talking about baseball ...

like, when a man loves a woman,

Mike Schmidt steps up to
the plate against Wade Boggs.

Wade Boggs plays third.
Why is he pitching?

Fine! Wade Boggs
is now Steve Carlton.

Steve? That's clearly
a dude's name.

Okay, the girl's parts
are gonna be, uh, Bo Jackson.

- That makes no sense.
- Bo's a girl's name!

It's wintertime. That's when
Bo Jackson plays football.

He'd never be on the same field
as Mike Schmidt.

I never thought that I would
ever say this to you,

but you're over-thinking this,
you moron.

I'm a moron?

Well, you're a Mike Schmidt!

- Take that back!
- Never!

Get your head
out of your orel hershiser

and come back here right now!


For what it's worth,

I found that whole baseball
thing very confusing.

- That bad, huh?
- It was bad.

What kind of 16-year-old boy
doesn't even know

the basics of the birds and the bees?

Murray, he knows everything.

I gave him the talk three years
ago when you dropped the ball.

- He's just messing with you.
- So he wants a sex talk, huh?

Well, I'm gonna give him
a sex talk, but good.

Or, instead of trying to spite him,

you actually have
a real conversation about it,

which would mean the world to him.

No, I'm gonna go with my thing.

As my Dad was putting
his plan into motion,

I was praying Erica was, as well.

Oh, balls.

Hey, boopie.
Look what mama bought.

- Now we're parachute pals.
- No! That's not a thing. Take 'em off.

- I paid for the pants.
- Don't wear the pants.

- I'm wearing the pants.
- Don't wear the pants.

- Hey, Mom?
- Oh, look, it's Erica.

Check out this box of old photos
that I found in the basement.

Man, such good memories.

We should, like, organize these
in some sort of way.

- Maybe in, like, a book?
- That would be fun.

Holy [bleep] Erica.
I have been begging you

to make a scrapbook
with me for years!

- Well, let's make it right now.
- Oh, now?

God, no. I've got to chaperone
Adam's dance tonight.

Tomorrow morning,
we'll wake up at dawn

and really hit it hard.
What do you say?

I'm kind of losing interest.

Oh, no, no.
Don't lose interest.

Um... I can do both.

Adam, I'll meet you at the dance.
Erica, don't move.

I'm just gonna run upstairs
and get my smock and glue gun.

There's 1,000 pictures in this box.

There's no way she's gonna
make it to that dance.

Have I mentioned that I love you?

Say it one more time,
and I won't help you.

Erica had
actually pulled it off.

My Mom was gonna be
stuck home all night!

All right, got our cocoa.

Let's cozy up and
spend the next few hours

- reliving my entire life.
- And... done!

How did you do this?

Please, I've had this whole thing
mapped out in my mind for years.

You... pressed flowers...

and put my favorite music
lyrics beneath each photo.

Take some time with it.

It's like a beautiful
kaleidoscope of my life.

Yeah, touching stuff.

Now, I've got to get to that dance.

The jam's not gonna
pump itself up. [chuckles]

While Erica's plan had failed,

my Dad was giving his one more shot.

Hey, uh, bar, you got a sec?

I think we should have
a talk, man to man.

Really? Okay.

I've never been
a great communicator,

so I think I should keep things
as direct and exact as possible.

- All right.
- So, we're not just gonna have the talk.

We're gonna experience the talk.

We're gonna do some role-playing.

I'm gonna be the girl.
You'll be the boy.

And we're gonna learn where
babies come from with our hands.

- Take a fraggle.
- I don't want the fraggle.

[high-pitched voice]
I'm a pretty fraggle girl.

Would you like to come up
to my condo for a nightcap?

I've been so lonely since I put
myself through nursing school.

Fraggles don't own condos!

Take it.
Put your hand in the fraggle.

Keep the fraggle away from me!

- Take it now!
- Stop it! I was messing with you!

- I know everything, okay?
- I know you know everything.

- Then why are you torturing me?
- Because you tortured me!

What kind of moron
makes their dad

give them the talk
when they don't need the talk?

- Who does that?
- Me. And you know why?

'Cause you couldn't be bothered

to have the talk
when I actually needed it.

Dads are supposed to
teach their kids stuff ...

how to throw a fastball
and change a tire and shave.

You never taught me anything!

In my defense,
I-I-I know very little.

And fraggles ...
they can't be nurses.

They dance their cares away.

As my Dad
was striking out at home,

I was ready to hit
the dance floor at school.

The only problem was
that at a junior-high dance,

kids don't dance,
but that didn't matter.

With my Mom distracted
by Erica at home,

it was time for me to show Dana
my awesome moves.

May I have this dance?

Kidding ...
I'm just here to chaperone.

Unless you're bored.
Then let's boogie.

- [gasps] What are you doing here?!
- I told you I'd make it.

- Now I'm gonna need you to leave.
- Will you stop with that?

I really want to be here
at this dance.

You can't deny me
that pleasure, Adam.

- Go away!
- But you're the one who asked me

- to teach you how to dance.
- It was a mistake.

I asked for your help
in a moment of weakness.

- It'll never happen again.
- Okay. I guess I'll just go then.


The sound of those swishing
parachute pants running away

was the sound of victory.

So, then, why did I feel so bad?

Even though I was forced

to hurt my Mom in the name
of love, I had to forge on.

I'd charm Dana with a
cup of Hawaiian punch

and then make my move.

[panting] Hey.

- Want some punch?
- No, I'm just gonna go

hang outside until my Mom
dances herself out.

I didn't know
your mom was a chaperone.

Yeah, and she went out
for margaritas with the

other moms before the dance.
It's so humiliating.

Turns out, my Mom was right
about one thing ...

- Every kid is embarrassed by their parents.
- Mom!

- And ave me an idea.
- Mom!

Don't worry.
I'm just leaving.

- No. I need your help.
- Oh, no. You don't get my help.

Not after you said you're never
gonna ask for it again.

- That's not how this works.
- I'm sorry, okay?

Sometimes, I need your help.

But sometimes,
I just want you gone.

- Well, that's confusing!
- I know. It makes no sense.

But for now,
that's just how it's gonna be.

- So, what do you want?
- I want you to go on that dance floor

- and just... be yourself.
- I can do that.

♪ we can dance if we want to

♪ we can leave
your friends behind ♪

♪ 'cause your friends don't
dance, and if they don't dance ♪

♪ well, they're no friends of mine ♪

♪ say, we can go where we want to ♪

♪ a place where they will never find ♪

♪ and we can act like we come
from out of this world ♪

- # leave the real one far behind #
- Well, what do you know?

No one's looking
at your mom anymore.

- Did you do that for me?
- Well, I definitely didn't do it for me.

♪ we can go where we want to ♪

- # the night is young, and so am I #
- Adult Adam: My plan had worked.

I'd saved Dana,

but I couldn't have predicted
what happened next.

My Mom actually got
junior-high-school kids to dance...

and it was epic.

♪ and you can act real rude
and tolly removed ♪

♪ and I can act like an imbecile ♪

♪ say, we can dance,
we can dance ♪

♪ everything's out of control ♪

[Survivor's "the Search is Over" plays]

- # how can I convince you #
- Come on! I like the fast ones!

You know what? I'm gonna go
out and get some fresh air.

Why don't you come with me?

- # what you see is real? #
- Have fun, baby.

- Adult Adam: Normally, we don't say "I love you" in our family.
- # who am I to blame you #

- Luckily for me, my Mom could read lips.
- # for doubting what you feel? #

♪ I was always reachin' ♪

♪ you were just a girl I knew ♪

♪ I took for granted
the friend I have in you ♪

- Want some company?
- I am a terrible father.

- I'll take that as a yes.
- ♪ I was living for a dream ♪

[sighs] I don't even know
how to talk to my kids.

- I'm aware.
- ♪ loving for a moment ♪

I always thought that I would do

- everything different than my Dad did.
- ♪ taking on the world ♪

- And look at me ... I'm just like him.
- ♪ that was just my style ♪

- Murray, you're nothing like him.
- What are you talking about?

- We both look alike.
- ♪ now I look into your eyes ♪

We both scream all the time.

- We both walk around in our underwear.
- ♪ I can see forever ♪

But your dad would never be out here

- right now, feeling like this.
- ♪ the search is over ♪

- And that's why you're different.
- ♪ you were with me all the while ♪

Adult Adam: As for my Dad, he'd
never be a good communicator.

♪ can we last forever? ♪

Damn it!

- Has anyone seen the bottle opener?
- ♪ will we fall apart? ♪

But he was still able to
teach you a few things.

♪ at times it's so confusing ♪

- Here. Let me show you something.
- ♪ the questions of the heart ♪

- Ooh.
- Little party trick.

- The ladies love it.
- ♪ you followed me through changes ♪

- Not bad.
- ♪ and patiently you'd wait ♪

Don't just stand there.

Go get another one,
and I'll show you how.

♪ till I came to my senses
through some miracle of fate ♪

That night, I learned that some events
can't be captured in a scrapbook.

♪ I was living for a dream ♪

You just got to be there
and witness them yourself.

♪ loving for a moment ♪

♪ then I touched your hand ♪

♪ I could hear you whisper ♪

♪ the search is over ♪

♪ love was right before my eyes ♪

[dance music plays]

Mrs. Goldberg.

Mrs. Goldberg!
It's time to go home.

Mm, dances don't really end,
and the invitation for this one said,

- "6:00 to question mark," so...
- That was a 9.


[shutting down switches]
[music stops]

Okay, well, that was just rude.