The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Other Smother - full transcript

This is my mom,

Beverly Goldberg,
a shoulder-padded,

Country-haired mother warrior

Whose top priority
was always her kids.

Before helicopter moms
and attachment parenting,

She was the original smother.

Snuggle bug,
circular motions.

We've had this discussion.
Just give it to me.

See?

Feel that difference?
Make a bunny face.

She was all over us
from early in the morning



To late at night.

Who wants
a sleepover snack?

First one to fall asleep
gets their bra frozen.

Why are you in here?

She even found a way
to smother us at school.

- Mom?
- Don't mind me.

Soccer tryouts
are this afternoon.

You need that
to protect your special spot.

I know what it's for.
Just leave.

But nothing
put a bounce in her step

more than
planning our futures for us.

Oh, this is just so exciting!

So many choices...
how are we ever gonna decide?!

"We"?
No, I'm deciding.



Oh, if it were your decision,
you'd go to Hawaii University.

Uh, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

They have a college in Hawaii?

How did they get
a school on an island?

Oh, my!
I got to check this out!

Aloha!

What's this?

A prestigious college right
in our hometown of Philadelphia?

Yeah, there's no way in hell

I am living at home
and going to Drexel.

Hear you loud and clear.

Hello, Drexel.

I'm Beverly Goldberg.
This is Erica.

I don't want to
build her up too much,

but she is literally
the best student

that ever has been or will be.

Uh, besides having
a great personality,

she gets good grades, does
Meals on Wheels, Model U.N.,

and is a volunteer
swim instructor at the "Y."

For the love of God,
stop talking!

You're parading me around like
a Poodle, and it's embarrassing.

Honey, I'm your mother.

It is my job
to strong-arm people

into seeing
how amazing you are.

Look around.

No other mothers
insist on being so involved.

Beverly!

But that wasn't true.

Her name was Betsy Rubenstone,
the other smother.

She was head of the PTA,
Chair of the Fall Festival

and eight other
parent committees.

My mom volunteered, too,

but Betsy was just made
better, stronger, faster.

Ah, Betsy!

Oh!
Mwah!

So, what school are you
thinking about for Carin?

She's already been
early-accepted to Yale.

Today's all about getting
a jump-start for Michael.

- Isn't he a sophomore?
- It's never too early.

I mean,
he only has a 3.8,

so I'm pushing
the extracurriculars.

He's on the debate team, tours
middle schools with D.A.R.E.,

and he was just Riff
in "West Side Story."

Riff? That's... what?...
Like third lead.

Michael's too busy to be Tony.

He's swamped.

He can't even be student council
treasurer this year,

even though
he always runs unopposed.

Betsy and my mom
had been at war for years

over whose kids were better.

My little science wiz.
Isn't he amazing?

She built it for him.

Betsy was winning.

Well, Barry's busy, too.
Um, he makes up rap songs.

They call him Big Tasty.

And he does karate

and plays harmonica
and basketball.

Barry made Varsity?

More like street ball.

He plays in the street
and in our driveway,

which leads...
to the street.

I'm not sure you can put that
on a college résumé.

It's a gray area.
Oh, you know.

Point is, though, he will be
going to an Ivy league school...

probably not Yale 'cause
I haven't heard great things.

Check it out...
Hawaii University!

It's real, and he said
they accept Americans!

He's kidding! Oh, class clown!
Kids love him.

Sense of humor... it's such
a commodity in today's economy.

- Hi.
- Anyway, bye-bye, now.

What's the matter?

You're not going to school
in Hawaii.

It's surrounded by sharks,
and even if I did let you go,

it would be a stretch
because you don't have

a single club on your résumé.

Not true.

I'm founding member
of the Beat-box Club.

It's not official,
but that's by choice

'cause then we'd be sellouts.

Listen, I just heard
there's an opening

for school treasurer...
unopposed.

Think about it.
It's a guaranteed...

...Wi-in.

- So, I do nothing and automatically win?
- Yes.

- Nah.
- Come on. Name your price.

8 bucks, and I get to eat
in front of the TV tonight.

- Deal.
- Yeah!

I love politics.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future

♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

Back in the '80s,

you couldn't just
lay on your couch

and stream a movie
to your phone.

You actually had
to spend an hour venturing

to a wondrous place
called a video store,

and it was awesome!

Let's just
make this fast, okay?

Pick a movie, and don't go
behind the curtain!

The stakes were high.

If someone already rented
the movie you wanted,

you were out of luck.

No!!

"Temple of Doom"
is checked out!

Some putz checked it out!

Just pick any movie.

Look... "Rhinestone."
Rambo sings in it.

Does Rambo sing while ripping
a man's heart out of his chest?

Doesn't say.

When you were out of options,
there was one last Hail Mary...

the return bin.

If your movie was in there,

it was like
winning the lottery...

at least for an obsessive
movie geek like me.

Yes!

I am the luckiest man alive!

Yeah, we all have our stories.

Let's just get going.
Here's my card.

"Temple of Doom."
Overrated.

You want to
see a good film, kid,

watch Bergman's
"The Seventh Seal"

or "Devil's Manners"...
that's my student film.

It's pretty much
the quintessential...

No, thank you,
and let's get going.

Uh, we're in a big rush.

Yeah, you
have a movie out.

"Slap Shot." Overrated.

If you ask,
Paul Newman should not...

I did not ask you, and I know
I returned that movie.

Please check again.

I didn't realize
that my computer was Hal 9000

and it could change at will

and blast us
out the pod bay doors.

Nothing you say
makes any sense.

Please check again
because I am 100% positive

that I returned that movie.

You guys lost it.

Dad, I just want to
watch my movie.

Okay, how much do I owe you?

To restore your account,

you would have to purchase
the unreturned video...

...Which would be $59.99.

That's crazy!
I'm not paying that!

Come on. This is
the only video store in town.

It's not like we have a choice.

We do have a choice!

I am not leaving here

until you clear my account
and I get my justice.

- What are you doing?
- Just marking "Temple of Doom" as in stock.

Let's get out of here.
Come on, now, now!

- Is Mom here?
- Yeah, she just got home.

Damn it!

Don't mind me.
Just go back to your sandwich.

In that moment,

Pops saw that his sweet,
little granddaughter

was actually
a master of deception.

There's my beautiful mermaid.
How was swim class?

Little Emily Goodman finally
put her face in the water.

Oh, you are an inspiration.

- Thanks, Mom.
- I'm so proud of you.

"Swim class...
Thursday the 27th.

Emily Goodman...
face in water."

Uh-oh, I'm looking at some
pretty shady stuff here,

and I know shady.

Okay.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret
that's so gigantic

that it could rock this family
to its very core.

- Maybe I shouldn't...
- Here it is.

I've never taught a swimming
lesson in my entire life,

I don't do Model U.N.
or Meals on Wheels,

and it feels so good
to finally tell someone!

Wait.
You scammed your mom?

That's very risky.

How has she not been
at one of your swim lessons?

I specifically chose
the YMCA pool

'cause she hates it.

- It's so humid, it makes her hair frizz.
- And the Model U.N. thingy?

I swore I'd quit
if she showed up,

and she knows better
than to call that bluff.

But how did you get
in the yearbook?

Turns out
my sister's desperation

spawned a new invention...

The photo bomb.

And I thought she was good.

She is, but I'm better.

And I have to be,
'cause if she ever finds out,

she'll kill us both.

- Why am I getting killed?
- 'Cause you're in on it with me.

Since when?!

Since I just told you!

How did this happen?

I just came here
to have a pastrami sandwich!

You better come clean with your
mother before she finds out.

Or I fake-join
the debate club

and create
a whole other level of lies!

Thanks, Pops!
You're the best!

Finally! There's my baby.

What's that weird smell?

That's the smell of clean.

You're free to start
reversing the process now.

- How was school?
- Sweet!

Fed a sea gull a French fry.

We're not near the ocean.
How do they get there?

No, I was talking
about student council.

Oh, that. Yeah.

- Not happening.
- What?!

Michael Rubenstone
is running now.

You said this was a guaranteed
win and I wouldn't have to try.

- That's what I'm good at.
- Since when is Michael running?

He's already got a full plate.

I'm okay with it...

Mostly
'cause I don't give a crap.

You can beat
Michael Rubenstone.

I mean, what has he got
that my delicious boy doesn't?

Cookies!

His mom made them,

and they're the perfect mix
of chewy and crunchy.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, so we're baking
political cookies now, huh?

You wanted war?

You've got it,
Betsy Rubenstone.

[Bleep] That is good!

Good morning, guys.

Vote for Michael.
Michael for Treasurer.

You guys know Michael, right?

Betsy Rubenstone.

We need to talk.

Beverly!

Look at you pulling off
that outfit for the most part.

Cut the chitchat.
I'm on to you.

You said Michael was too busy
to run for treasurer.

Well, he found the time

'cause he has a passion
for politics.

No, he doesn't!

All kids hate everything.

He's only running
because you have it out for me.

Why don't I make Michael
drop out of the race

and give poor Barry the win?

No!
You leave Michael in.

I'm Barry's campaign manager
now, and we will crush you.

- I'd love to see that.
- Well, good luck.

- Good luck to you.
- Don't need it.

- Neither do I.
- Think you do.

- Think you do.
- Do you?

- I do.
- I don't.

- What?
- Just kidding. I don't.

Oh.

Things were really heating up

between my mom
and Betsy Rubenstone,

while back home my dad
was about to lose his cool.

Oh, what did you do
with the TV guide?

My father had found the video
he swore he had returned.

So he did what
any honorable man would do.

Hide the evidence.

What you doing?

- Nothing.
- Is that "Slap Shot"?!

Are you kidding me?
You swore you returned it.

You said
you were 100% positive!

I've never been 100% positive
about anything in my life.

Whatever!

Let's just end this stupid feud
and return the movie.

Nope, dad is gonna teach you

a very valuable
life lesson here, okay?

If you never admit you're wrong,
you're never wrong!

Either you take that tape
back to the video store

or we got real problems, man!

- What are you getting at?
- You know what I'm getting at!

- I really have no clue.
- I don't either!

Just return the tape!

As Erica spun her web of lies,

pops tried to avoid
getting caught in it.

Pops, pops, thank God.
Um, I need you to listen

to this fake argument about,
uh, trickle-down economics

in case mom asks me
about the debate team.

You're writing speeches
for a debate

you're not a part of?

Yes, and we need to
make it good.

No "we."
Stop saying "we."

"Trickle-down economics
is a pejorative term

used by
liberal-media hacks."

This is crazy!

Wouldn't it just be easier
if you actually did this stuff?

I mean, it would look great
on the college résumé.

Oh, it would, but I can't.

I'm gonna let you in
on another huge secret.

- No!
- Here it is.

This is the opposite
of what I want.

Back in freshman year
when I actually did Model U.N.,

there was... an incident.

It was my sister's
dark origin story.

Back before Erica was Erica,

she was an overachieving,
first-class stress case!

Senegal? Really?

Their main export
is the peanut!

If I'm getting
a country in Africa,

I'm getting Libya!

- Erica?!
- I am Libya!

- Hey!
- I've got every country now.

Uh-huh,
that's right, Patel!

I declare a new world order!

I was such a stress case
under so much pressure

from Mom, Dad,
my teachers, everyone.

So that's when I started hanging
out with the popular kids,

and you know
what they do after school?

Nothing.
They do nothing!

They're never stressed-out,
so I quit all of it.

But aren't you just as stressed

trying to keep
this whole charade alive?

Oh, yeah, it's way worse!

Then just apologize and go back
to being a weirdo again.

I can't do that.
They hate me.

Kiddo, sometimes you just
have to swallow your pride

and ask for forgiveness.

Well, what have we here?

Just take the tape,
and I no longer owe you $59.

That is correct.

You now owe me...

...$106.75.

What are you talking about?
That's crazy.

Late fees... 61 days overdue
times $1.75, and let's see.

Yes, definitely...
a $2 rewind fee.

- Just give me the movie.
- No.

- Come on. Give me the movie.
- No.

No!

Okay, that's it.
I ban you from Video Heaven.

Oh, no, no, no!

I ban you!
That's right!

I am never
coming in here again ever!

That's what I said.

And "Slap Shot"
is a great movie.

While my dad
was losing his battle,

my mom was determined
not to lose hers.

Hi. Uh, can I speak
to Julianne Crump, please?

Hello, Mrs. Stevens.
Is your daughter Kelly there?

Okay, your son Kelly.
I'm sorry.

Oh, you've already
committed your...

your vote
to Michael Rubenstone? Huh.

Okay, what can I do to
convince you to vote for Barry?

Yes, Erica is single.

What the hell is this?

Surprise!

Get it?
Vote for Barry.

Barry. Berry.

Barry.

They sound the same,
and you're both delicious!

Mom.
Kids like cookies!

Why don't you
just bake some cookies?!

Because "cookie"
doesn't work with "Barry."

Well, this doesn't work either!

That's right!
I got berried!

9th grade girls
threw them at me.

There's supposed
to be a hierarchy.

They ignored the hierarchy!

- I quit.
- You can't quit.

We cannot lose this thing.
Not now, not ever.

Why do you even care so much?

I don't care.
Do I look like I care?

Look how casual I am.

I don't want to be
stupid treasurer.

Do you even know
what a treasurer does?

A treasurer is one of the most
important jobs a school has.

You get to handle
all the money.

So it does involve treasure.

And you get to run
the student government

when the president,
the vice president,

and the secretary all get sick.

I want this job.
What do we have to do?

You just keep being delicious.

Uh, let your campaign manager
deal with all the nitty-gritty.

Here's your speech.
Memorize it.

Okay.

- But no more berries!
- You have my word.

The next day,
there were no berries in sight,

but Barry was everywhere.

Have you seen this? This is so
freaking embarrassing.

Oh, my God, it's you.

No, it's not.

No. No, no, no.

In what universe,
in what reality

would you think
this is even a little bit okay?

Just look
at that delicious face!

That's a face you want to eat...
and vote for.

Fired! You're fired
as campaign manager!

- I have just fired you!
- You can't fire me. I'm your mother.

Then I fire you as my mother!

If you fire me as your mother,
then I have failed as a mother.

Then you've failed as a mother.

How dare you say
I've failed as a mother?

You know what?
I bet that Betsy Rubenstone

plastered posters
all over the school.

If anyone failed as a mother,
it's probably her somehow.

Wait, this was never about
me beating Michael, was it?

It was about you beating Betsy!

You always complain about
her being overbearing and pushy.

You're way worse.

I was so excited
for my dad to get home,

I could barely enjoy
my algebra homework.

What's in the bag?
Tell me it's "Indiana Jones."

Even better.

Who needs a movie when you've
got a video-game-machine thing?

Are you joking with me right now?

This is Atari.

I have Nintendo.
There's a difference?

Why are you giving me
misguided gifts?

What happened
at the video store?!

We lost her, son.

She's gone.

I went in
with the best intentions,

but things were said,
and now we're banned for life.

Whose life...
mine or yours?

The video-store guy
wasn't clear about that.

How could you do this?!

You know how important
movies are to me!

Well, I think what we have here
is a valuable life lesson.

You know what's a lesson
that I've learned?

Never count on my dad
to do the right thing.

While I was a casualty
of my father's war,

my mom was finally gonna
wave the white flag.

Oh, hi, Bev!

Love what you've done
with the hair.

You make such brave choices.

Look, I come in peace.

All this bad blood,
it... it's got to stop.

Uh...
Barry's dropping out.

- Of high school?
- Of the election.

So you guys win.

So unexpected.

And yet...
I knew this would happen.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, winner!

- What?
- Oh, no!

Oh, my God, that must mean

they really loved
the speech I wrote!

Yep, I, uh... I definitely think
the speech helped clinch it.

This is for all you out there
with overbearing parents

with no sense of shame
or boundaries!

Now, I don't know how this

exactly ties
into being a treasurer.

But I do know
if I can survive the berries

and the pictures
of me being like this...

♪ Hurry, boy,
it's waiting there for you ♪

...then I'm definitely the dude
to lead this school

'cause all moms suck!
Who's with me?!

♪ It's gonna take a lot to take me away
from you ♪

♪ There's nothing that a hundred
men or more could ever do ♪

We did it!
We really did it!

I mean, you... you did it.

This has nothing to do with me.

♪ Gonna take some time to do
the things we never have ♪

- Congrats.
- Thank you.

- Good race.
- It was.

- I know.
- Do you?

- I do.
- Drive safely.

I will.

My mom would have some tough
competition along the way,

but Beverly Goldberg would
always be the original smother.

And Erica was finally able
to embrace her original self.

♪ It's gonna take a lot to take me
away from you ♪

Hey, I know it's been a while.

Um, I want to say I'm sorry
for everything in the past.

But I'd love to be a part
of Model U.N.

If you'd have me back.

You can sit next to me.
Pull up a chair.

You want to be the U.S.A.?
No, no, no, it's fine.

I was thinking...
Senegal?

As for my dad, he learned
there were very few things

worth swallowing his pride for.

But his kid was one of them.

Don't talk.
I know I'm wrong.

I know I'm banned.
But I'm not here for me.

I'm here for someone who
loves movies as much as you do.

♪ But she hears only whispers
of some quiet conversation ♪

Here.

It's a video-store
membership.

I'm banned. You're not.

I've prepaid for 50 movies,

which should last you
about a month.

♪ Hurry, boy,
she's waiting there for you ♪

♪ Gonna take a lot
to drag me away from you ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ gonna take some time
to do the things we never have ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh

Up next, "Rhinestone,"
starring Sylvester Stallone.

Oh, "Rhinestone"!

I hear Stallone sings
in this one.

Is there nothing
that man cannot do?

No! He's Rambo!
He's Rocky!

He doesn't do country music.

Where's the remote?

What the...

"Temple of Doom"?!

Didn't you rent that
a couple of months ago?

___

Oh, balls.